Help the Contorted Hipsters

Posted by lewis on February 25, 2009 at 8:25 am.

Wow.  I feel really bad.

Last week I poked fun at poor Alex Knost (turns out he's NOT gay or a pedophile!) - but little did I know, he IS disabled - Alex is one of those Contorted Hipsters.

Not sure if you've heard yet, but it's a really sad and tragic disease afflicting young Hipsters. Now a famous surfer is clearly suffering from the tell-tale severe spinal curvature and twisted tragic poses associated with being a Contorted Hipster.


A lot of otherwise young, healthy, earnest, artistic, unique, stylish hipsters are suffering from the same condition.

Not sure yet, but some speculate that it's caused by tight jeans, lack of bathing, crappy electro-pop, or all that cocaine.

Please help find a cure for the Contorted Hipsters!


Right now Alex is still able to surf, but it appears his condition is worsening by the day.  For the price of a useless, piece-of-shit retro-hull, you could help us fund research into this ghastly disease.  Please contact me if you'd like to donate now. Maybe we should do a Walk-a-thon?

knost can barely surf with his disease!  Photo: Figm

knost can barely surf with his disease! Photo: Figm


  • fruitiass says:

    Contorted or not, why is he always bent over?

  • caring cool kid says:

    Maybe we should do a “We are the World”style video to raise money.
    Does anyone know Donovan? Maybe he’ll help?

  • Kaser_1 says:

    Enough is enough. Keep making fun of these guys and they’ll stop visiting my van.

  • nuthugginbuttplugger says:

    Poor Archy sitting in the background. Would somebody please buck-up and get him off KVCA already.

  • nuthugginbuttplugger says:

    Speaking of Donovan, I saw his mustache driving a Toyota Prius through the Swami’s lot today.

  • wills says:

    donovan? I’d love to see a good old fashioned cat fight between him and alex. Winner meets rastavich in the slap fight finals….

  • Tight Pants 4Ever says:

    The haters can make fun all they want. Lewis is just jealous b/c he keeps getting turned down by the boys on tour.

  • haha says:

    Laugh all you want but in recent times Knosty has been getting more play in fashion mags than any other pro surfer.

    Let’s just leave the hating on the beach and judge him by his surfing- that hang ten pic is pretty sick- it’s refreshing to see after every other kid is going for an air reverse.

  • wills says:

    its true, alex has his own style… Every grom trying to be the next kolohe has gotten sooo stale. Its like photogs are stuck on air only setting. In the 70’s alex wouldnt of stood out… He’s retro-fresh. Seems authentic with his slightly wt back story. If you meet alex you’ll see he’s got a cool and friendly vibe. You meet some ripping little freak and it is usually a pretty arrogant exchange… In the line up and out.

  • chickenfingers says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I love you Lewis!

  • nuthugginbuttplugger says:

    “Laugh all you want but in recent times Knosty has been getting more play in fashion mags than any other pro surfer.”

    Because pro surfing needs more no talent ass clown models like Danny Fuller and Hans Hagen. Who the hell reads fashion mags any way? Ooow, what should I wear next.

    I’m going to make a movie about me kicking my surfboard out of waves and then charge money for it. Where’s my captains hat, I need to get back to the jacuzzi with the boyz.

  • TheGeneral says:

    ah yes, these kids are on the scene here too, long bangs, retro logs, paddle for everything that moves, travel in packs. At least they don’t wear leashes so we get a break every few minutes.

  • gooch says:

    you all probbably suck at surfing, no reason to hate on anyone unless they did something personally to you. obviously youre unsure about your own situation

  • johnny says:

    nice lewis, i love it. you are killin it, these guys try way to hard to be super hipsters in lame tight pants. good job on the gaybro tip,
    can you please call out tow-in surfing? please write a big article about all the tow-bros? guys like scott chandler and chuck patterson? they tow into puerto with there stand up paddles in hand, and get covers of lame stand up mags, its about time for something like this

  • vogue says:

    “Who the hell reads fashion mags any way? Ooow, what should I wear next.”

    wow you live a sheltered life. 3 major surf mags in the u.s versus about 100 fashion mags.

    lewis if you go to sydney i think most guys would be in tight jeans. actually i think ozzie and the monster children crew had an influence on alex and the newport posse.

    skaters have so many looks - punk, hip hop, hobo - why can’t surfing have a bit of flavor? why should we wear cargo’s and a hawaiian shirt??

  • nuthugginbuttplugger says:

    sOunds like a sheltered surf shop type of life. It’s requires a surfboard and waves, where does the v-neck t-shirt and tight pants come in as relevant? I wear a bathrobe alldayeveryday. Maybe they’ll be 101 fashion mags now.

  • Simon Barsinister says:

    One part of their malady you failed to mention is how it affects their vocal chords and neck. It cause them to speak very softly while never being able to raise their heads and look at the person they are speaking to. It’s weird, man.

  • Beavertails Smell says:

    These sailor outfits are getting out of control.

  • Steven Spack-holie says:

    I love alex nost. he is so good at surfing and looking
    cool. I think we should really be nice to a cool cat and
    try to be open to new ideas.

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