As to what pro surfers do once they finish competing? I thought we all knew they serve as “team managers” for the companies they used to ride for…duh

Sorry but the story in that fairytale book your Grandma gave you (called the bible) was slightly skewed. I guess after a couple thousand years it happens. Like Chinese whispers… please let me set the story straight.

I’d just finished surfing that beachbreak in the land you now call Israel. 2ft wedges, fun, Bar Rafaeli the 1st was tanning her tits so all was good… I had a few wines, grilled fish, and some hummus dip etc with my bros (eddie rothman 1st, shaun thompson 1st, etc) and got a bit merry and went looking for chicks.

There wasn’t really much on offer (the roman jocks were throwing a party and we weren’t invited) so we visited a whore house accross the border and there wasn’t really enough pussy to go around so…

Me and my bro Mohammad tagged this slut named Mary. She was mean kine- great legs. If you want details- I pounded her pile-driver style without a rubber and knocked her up. I paid 3 gold beads and he paid 1, so I guess she thought I was richer. That’s probably why she claimed it was me- for pride. Plus that ****er is an ugly fucker… Regardless, there has always been some confusion.

Anyway I never knew about the kid until after he was born. His mum made up some shitty story about his Dad coming from outer space. Most of her clients were rich roman fags and when she refused to continue doing anal they turned against her and her son. (My kid - jesus).

Jesus was on meth half the time with his buddy Lewis Samuels the 1st. He’d spin wild stories about surfing (walking on water) and Lewis wrote it all down on his stone tablet. Jesus and his gang (disciples) surfed their brains out daily. The little cunt dropped in on me a number of times without even knowing his being had materialized from my sticky jizz.

He used to carve a cross logo into his planks. ( † ). Before long he turned it into a clothing company called Christianity Inc. which made quick-dry robes with 4-way stretch. He sponsored Alexander Knoxus the 1st and Donovonus the 1st with these fashionable rags. (is this an infomercial??!)

Anyway in the financial crisis of 10BC he ripped off this Roman investor group who had funded his travels to Syria. They took over, nailed him to his own logo and took Christianity Inc public. It was a wild success- they copied lewis’ trippy stories and made a best-seller book of fables (the bible).

2000 years later the brand is still going off but faces a few rivals in Islam (mohummad’s brand) and Da hui (Eddie’s line of ‘gear’). Their descendants are still proudly methed out.

Anyway mark enough of the history lesson, see you before you go to bed tonight. thanks for reading this bullshit you just wasted 5 minutes of your life.

god bless you when you sneeze xx