Since I got fired I'm trying to figure out how I can get paid for this fuckery.
Me and the staff here at PostSurf (meaning me and my dog) have been throwing around a few ideas:
1) Sell ad space on PostSurf via pyramid scheme
I'm offering you, my reader, an amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make over $100,000 a year, without having to work almost at all. It's simple! For a one-time-only recurring fee of $1000 dollars, you can become a certified PostSurf ad salesman. You also become certified to train others in selling PostSurf ad space. So really, you'll earn that $1000 right back as soon as you sign up 1000 of your friends to become PostSurf ad salesman (PostSurf will receive a nominal 99% processing fee for all the salesmen you certify, leaving you with a hefty 1% commission!) Here's the best part: each time one of your army of PostSurf salesmen trains a friend, you'll get half their commission!!!
Get in early and watch the money pour in while you watch daytime television!
2) Deliver "Novelty Power Rankings" at Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs
This idea sounds like soooo much fun. I could create customized, super-personal Power Rankings of your loved ones, which I could then deliver at special occasions - birthdays, anniverseries, weddings, bar mitzvahs...
I often hear from readers that they're "totally into the power rankings." So surely, their significant other or 13-year-old daughter is just as big a fan too, right? What better way to show your love than to commision me to write a very special Power Ranking, just for them?
Wedding Sample:
"After reviewing Jenny's round 1 performance in bed with Mark on Saturday night, all I can say is, "That's some Benjamin Button shit, right there." Although her age is listed as 31, Jenny looks like Mark's ex-fiance Meredith, if you left Meredith on a desert island for 10 years with an all-you-can-eat buffet, but no moisturizer or shade. According to industry insiders, Jenny spent the first year of her relationship with Mark fucking like she was in the Special Olympics. But now she's minding the stepchildren and swallowing loads like she's Lindsay Lohan hoovering her dealer for an 8 ball. Even more inspiring was the fact that Jenny seemingly spent the entire event with one of her wonky implants dislocated - her right nipple looked like it was trying to flee the scene, out of sense of common decency. But a comeback is a comeback - so we're placing Jenny at 23 in the Power Rankings of girls Mark has slept with."
Who wouldn't pay to have me deliver a touching speech like that, in-person at their wedding?
Note: Because these personalized Power Rankings are works of art, they won't be cheap. But we're talking about your loved ones - some things are worth spending money on, even in a recession.
So, are the power rankings going to continue or not? My $1000 is in the mail and dang, those chicks are nasty looking. Couldn’t come up with anything better? Screw surfline. Good luck to you.
the power rankings will continue without the lame ass editorial oversight of the fucktards over at surfline. keep them coming. my check’s in the mail too.
I’m faxing you payment as we speak, Mr. Samuels. And by ‘payment,’ I mean nude pictures of Munga Barry having his salad tossed by a toothless lamprey.
Another great way to bring in income is to do what my daddy did. He owns a hetero beer joint in Nebraska called “The Pussy Splitter & J. Thunder Cock’s”. If you walk up in that piece talking all faggy, they’ll take you out back, bend you over the grease separator, and sodomize the shit out of you until you admit you like that there poontang. Needless to say, he’s rich and has a great sex life.
I was going to write a rambling schizophrenic narrative in honor of you, and, when thinking of which past generation surfer to reference, was going to use none other than Michael Munga Barry.
I think I must really get you. (Or, your getting predictable.)
Heh heh. Like a festering barnacle, I do grow on some people.
Lewis, you are waaaaay out of line. The brunette you have ranked at 14 is clearly hotter than the blonde skank you have at number 7. Look at the size of that nose! Number 14 looks like she could be Brazi. That must be the issue.
” Never let a good crisis go to waste”. Wise words from the top former ballet dancer in the Obama administration. You need to grab a hold of this creed and run with it Lewis! Freelancing is the way to go! You dont need Surfline or Transworld or even the Boogie Board Journal to succeed.Go off on your own with little to no financial backing. Heck Bobby Martinez is doing it and Bede hoofed it solo for a long time before he bellied up to the bar for some free shots. As a matter of fact I pledge to do my part. In honor of Lewis Samuels being without backing in the surf industry I am going to surf Haleiwa on Thursday with no stickers on my board just like mr. Smooth back in ‘92. P.S. I have to go now. Sean says he wants me to really do my homework and to be on top of my game for my first edition of the top 44 review coming up after the Bells event. Any tips?
here in latin america we support your work lewis!! (yeah I know who cares about latin dudes) a darle duro con los power rankings!!!
Let’s get things underway. Stab’s got $25k for the power rankings…
Lewis Samuels is about to take over the world. How do I know this?
When Lewis was born, the afterbirth became sentient. It flopped wetly up the attending physician’s leg, and buggered into his left nostril mercilessly until the doctor severed its prehensile pseudo-dong with a scalpel… unfortunately nicking his own nostril in the process. Everyone in the room averted their gaze from the spectacle out of respect for the doctor.
Later in life, Lewis sought out the ashes of this doctor, and ensconced them in an urn on his loving family’s mantle. He then stuck a No. 2 pencil into it, the sharpened-point down, and speed-fucked the family ottoman.
Somewhere in San Lucas, an otter farted.
haha…Stab doesn’t have $25k, let alone $25k for Lewis.
Krayon honey, please watch your language. There’s kids in the room. Some of the shit you’ve posted on here is hilarious and you’re obvious a really good writer.
But it kinda sucks to have to read some of your really descriptive stuff on a full stomach. It would be rad if you could make your point in a less bombastic way.
Maybe you could team up with that dude that writes the ExPat journal on Surfline. Seems he had some pretty interesting ways to keep his dough flow up.
If you get sponsors for PostSurf, then it will be you licking sponsor balls. It would be awesome to see that ironic twist! Well not ACTUALLY see it, but like metaphorically see it.
Writing is not a team sport, unless it’s me teaming with F. Crayola’s Headgear’s Dealer, leading him teeming with bacterial delusional deluges.
And no, Fedex the Urinal is not someone worth reading.
Is Mike Meatwhistle hear, too?
Ad hominem homonyms.
Get out of town SmudeDogg! Allen Weisbacker couldnt hold Lewis Samuels salty jock strap! That would be like Barrack Obama appointing a tax cheat to be the Secretary of the Treasury which oversees the Internal Revenue Service.It would NEVER happen.
Uhhh, let me break it down for you.
Weisbacker was a drug smuggler.
Samuels needs $.
People pay $ for the drugs people smuggle.
Lewis could bankroll PostSurf AND get in adventures by smuggling drugs. Weisbacker could teach him how….See where that is going? It’s a win-win.
I may pay 15$ for a ‘I’m Lewis Samuels too’ or ’surfline fired me too’ shirt and 2$ for a sticker for my van, the ‘eddie would go’ one is getting old.
We will support you from the Vasque Country Lewis!!!
I’d buy thats ticker. We can ALL be Lewis Samuels. Sweet. Think of all the toothless grannies we’d get to fuck.
I sort of suggested that Lewis’ work belongs with Stab (below), so I deserve a 10% cut if Stab pays $25k. However, I will forego that cut if the Power Rankings are actually published somewhere again.
“The Power Rankings bring traffic and interest to a website that is generally full of slurp-pieces. There goes any attempt to make Surfline into a legitimate resource for real news about surfing. I guess I have to stick to Stabmag.com” - Beng, 3/23/09
i just heard we’re going to continue the power ranking with jake paterson as the writer!… and we just registered powerrankings.com so it’s going to have it’s own site with its own ads and features etc
jake paterson????? now there’s a guy who needs to shut the fuck up.
would be classic to see coke light up against the real thing…
Lewis Samuels you are a fucking genius. Keep it up.
free lewis
Lewis for president
Visit the Sweet Sixteen feature on Surfline. There is a comment by “Do you know now?”
Read that comment, but only the capitalized letters.
nice cryptic message. its pretty much like davinci code.
lets see how long till that fat fuck collins gets hungry and eats it off the post board
Jake Paterson?
Sweet we will definitely get the real, unbiased story from a quik employee who is semi-retarded and friends with everyone on tour. Real insight for sure
lewis, you can always be one of those insult street comics in key west. the rape hungry homosexual mobs are not nearly as ravenous as the media suggests.
but if you really want to make money start a real pyramid scheme like the whole us economy. fucking sheep in nebraska will keep eating the hay ( is that what sheep eat? are there really sheep in nebraska? Fuck if i care!) even after it is well known that the oligarchs have shat upon it for years.
bromandude are you trying to steal my identity!??
a one of a kind periodical
This is the best blog I have seen on this subject. Lots to talk about. I’m going to show my mentor. It will certainly start a whole new conversation.