I have fled the scene. I am currently in the mountains, meditating on my sins against surfing. I am running through the snow holding a large boulder while simultaneously drinking vodka from a sheep's bladder, training to achieve the standard of journalism that readers of surfing websites demand.
It is slow going. These boulders are heavy, and I haven't had much time to consider what to write. The mountains are not my home. I did not grow up snowboarding - like most Jews with a medical degree, my father was terrified of the snow. When I first began to snowboard, out of a sense of duty (because it is what bros do) I felt like a total kook. Each time I fell or did something kooky, and got in the way of a more experienced snowboarding bro, I expected quick and justified retribution - epithets like:
"Beat it Kook!"
"Fuck you transplant! Where did you go to high school? Not here, I know that much already fuckwit!"
"Let's take this to the mid-mountain chalet, I'll kick your maggot ass!"
But shockingly, even the raddest bros on the mountain didn't say stuff like that to me. Usually they'd apologize if I got in their way and we almost collided. The most bad-ass of them would sneer very slightly as they sprayed me with snow.
What's wrong with you, snow-bros? Don't you know how to keep kooks in line?
Back at the beach, things are a bit different. Transplant artists are NOT tolerated. Take the Mollusk crew, for instance. These transplants moved to my city, started some kind of creative crafty surf shop that I don't quite understand, and then started breeding retro-kooks like they had a factory in their store.
Many of the old time locals do not appreciate the Mollusk crew AT ALL. They are not amused that kooks who ride retro-hulls and can barely stand up are now giving 40-year-to-life locals stinkeye because of their thrusters and relaxed-fit jeans. There is some friction.
Which makes it kind of ironic that the transplant Mollusk crew is now selling ironic tight-fitting $28 T-Shirts that read "Death to Locals."
I wonder if the locals will get the irony when one of these kooks takes their parking spot at the beach while giving the "cooler-than-thou" stare, and then emerges from their Toyota Prius wearing the "Death to Locals" T-shirt?
Personally, I've found it's hard to explain irony to paroled convicts on meth while they are busy punching you.
Mollusk's possibly ironic T-Shirt from Warriors of Radness.
snowboarders are pussies.
Toyota Prius
all retro fishes and fun shapes should come with a pamphlet on surf ettiquette
Warriors of Radness bro. You bettah recognize. Val Kooks R Us will be after you.
Good job on the equal opportunity ridicule.
0 for 3
Come on man. The title for this one was great but the words were soft cock. What about this is going to piss me off and make me hate you?
I think we’re all expecting more from the post Surfline Samuels.
Faithful reader, Chris Cote
Fuck “Mollusk” worst shop ever. Burn the $1000 wooden planks & $20 hey bro t-shirts.
While you are in the mountains you should begin work on the top 100 review of the wqs. I would love some details on Wiggoly Dontas and the G bros.
hahahah soft cock.
retro shit is so gay. its like a step below SUPing. at least SUPing has super cool dudes like pierce brosnan hyping the shit out of it.
retro guys are like slightly less coked out/manslutted out/ younger alex knosts
I can’t really judge your post as I personally avoid most of this surf “industry” racket at all costs. As much as I want to try and like that shirt, it just seems to be going in the other direction of lame, like another new version of “cool” or “groovy” bullshit that surrounds us on a daily basis.
I just grabbed a cup of delicious 7-11 mud shit and ended up here somehow in some random string of inet confusion.
Speaking of 7-11.
One time Rabbit Bartholomew got really shit-faced off of Franzia and Ambien and performed fellatio on a young man in a 7-11 that he had mistook for a slurpee machine. After realizing his mistake, he spit out the gooey reward into the closing shift-manager’s mop bucket, who later disposed of the dirty water into a storm drain. Nine months later, a creature emerged from the murky depths of the Newport river jetties. While no one has actually seen him in person, evidence of his existence is far and wide. The natives call him “Sean Collins.”
This is a very good topic. I always wonder when I walk into that shop. How many of these guys are real surfer’s? I feel i that is very contrived. I love the fact they don’t sell Surfer Magazine. I went to ask for one and they looked at me like I’m some crazy. There all so busy beating off to Sprout that reading Surfer MAgazine would be a waste of time. Nothing wrong with riding a different surfboard. I’m down with that but selling some fake ass lifestyle that was sold to them by another newcomer”if you get my drift” is just fucking lame.
Nice, Alpine Meadows, the Rincon of snow.
Why must people define themselves as surfers? By assigning virtues to oneself, the virtue becomes lost in a sea of commonality. Lot of tough guys out there that yell in the water who call themselves “surfers.” Im glad i dont associate myself with that group of 20 million, but i do enjoy going out on a good day whether it be pow, or good ground swell.
take care young angry generation.
I am so tired of these kvca bros and their fucking tight pants that they stole from their 12 year old sister and their cut off t-shirt collars. They are a joke and care more about their fashion and how “rad” they look rather than working on their bottom turns. I think we should all unite and donkey punch these little pussies like the bitches they really are.
One of the only surf shops in NYC is a Mollusk. It’s located in Hipsterville USA — Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Otherwise known as “Billyburg” (get it?) by all the achingly cool 20 somethings that roam the streets dressed in neon nut huggers and vintage sunglasses, Williamsburg used to be a slum, but is now “cool” based on the premise that “enough white people live there that it doesn’t feel dangerous” a friend told me. If you guys think Alex Knost So Cal hipsters are respulsive, try imagining them in every bar you go to making faux-intelectual conversation about the New York art scene. I’m heading to Mollusk tomorrow looking for a board. I’m thinking something made of compost with a tail skinnier than my jeans and fins of biodegradable cardboard.
The Mollusk Bros are even more annoying than Lewis Samuels retarded opinions. I actually hate them in the water. Style over substance, and the Marshall Brothers need to be punched in their twin faces.
ted, you couldn’t be more on target. that scene is…just…so lame.
I just got back to the country too. Imagine leaving five years ago then returning to find that everyone you went to high school with now lives in NYC ferreting away their trust fund money on neon clothing, vintage cameras and Sparx energy beer all the while pontificating on the evils of money, politics and the “American police state”. Fuck me. It’s like children of the corn with Facebook. We’re not in Kansas any more, Toto.
Kooks: People who listen to Gerardo records backwards and strangle-fuck the girls they meet through Craigslist. Depending on proximity to the equinox, sometimes livestock is involved.
Or, in other words: Alex Knost.
Shaun Collins is also in the mountains, hunting game. Some would say the most dangerous game of all. Sleep with one eye open Lewis.
Not a Kook: Lewis Samuels. He is so compassionate and caring that he stuffs ground beef inside of leather seats for purpose of reuniting cattle.
When Alex Knost was born, the attending nurse soiled herself inexplicably with tapioca pudding sputtering out of a zig-zagged slot that mysteriously appeared on her taint. It made a wet spluttering sound and filling her panty hose until she had pudding cankles.
Then her lips fell off.
Shortly thereafter, Alex strangled his father with his own umbilical chord.
No one dared make note of this phenomenon… until now.
How about some info on top snowboarders? That Shawn White dude looks pretty cool and his hair is way more gnar than anyone on the wct.
Unbelievable on how many fags are on this site.
Seriously, commenting on the clothes people wear, how they style their hair or what groups they associate with.
It’s obvious most on here are in high school and really care about what others think of them in addition to equating being cool with taking a superior attitude to other groups of individuals.
How about this - mind your own business and surf.
Look, I wasn’t gay until Matt’s father touched me. Okay?
I shall never forget. He stopped by my parent’s house one winter day back in ’86. He was visibly distraught. Sitting down on our plastic covered sofa, he inexplicably put me on his lap and told me a story about his retarded son and how he scored so low on his school aptitude test that the only job he would be able to hold was one as a squeezable mustard bottle. Not even the douchebag that runs the machine that fills the bottle - but the bottle itself.
Tears began streaming down his face. He then said he feared that his son would spend his days raping tube socks to images of nude rhinoceros’ on the internet and mocking other surfers while never amounting to anything else.
I laughed… I cried, and then boldly exclaimed that I had all my teeth, could read, and didn’t spend my afternoons attempting to futilely blow myself. Matt’s father got a massive erection upon hearing this because I wasn’t like his own son… thus, my first and last homosexual experience.
True Story.
Matt wins! Biggest f-ing barn ever on postsurf! You obviously have a hard time fitting in with the action sports industry bro scene. If you went to an industry party I bet Alex Knost AND Shawn White would both ignore you. Do you even HAVE Donovan Frankenreiters new c.d.?
Mr.Samuels, you are one weird *mf*….Where did you slip through the cracks into our dysfunctional. highly self-absorbed, moderately self-destructive world of California surfing?….Are you trying to become the new ReichsFuhrer of “the real California surfer” by directing our anger @ someone deemed by you an outsider? Oh yeah, that sits real well w/your “i’m a first generation surfer and the grandson of an immigrant” quote a few posts ago, what happened did Mollusk not want you back after you “sold out” to Surfline…? Go peddle your wares in some other industry, i’ve heard ping-pong has an age-old culture and is ripe for the picking….
Regards
Laughing at Cote, who just brought TWS.com readers a third story on the andy/kelly movie premier. But I guess then maybe the best person to call out a soft cock is another soft cock. BTW, did I notice that TWS’s office is for lease? Is this a sign of things to come?
Welcome to the mountains Lewis! Nothing but good Christians up here, whe snowboard with the cross of Christ around our next and a “Fuck Obama” t-shirt underneath our snowboard shell.
you are all horrible people! Please stop having opinions! For the sake of our children - what if a child were to read this blog?????
Alex Knost and the Mollusk boys suck cock for cab fares….then walk home.
Ted - Have you been to Venice? Same scene to a T. Weird that we have a Mollusk too…
You forgot to mention the fixed gear hipster bike bullshit. Fuck does Bad Vibe know about this thing yet or is he still back at niceness all by himself?
Mollusk is so lame. They sell boards shaped by hand and shirts that are either their own or some of their equally not-corporately endorsed friend’s companies. What a bunch of douches. Slim fit pants! Only hipsters wear slim fit pants, right? So, hipsters wear slim fit pants. Mollusk guys wear slim fit pants. Mollusk guys are hipsters. A=B B=C A=C, right? Wait, if I understand math or informal logic, am I a hipster. Now I’m confused. Can you please define what you mean? For that matter, tell me what you like and what you don’t like so that I know what to do. Should I kill myself?
What’s up with their “bomb the oc” shirt? That shits just hateful. Fuck Mollusk. Can’t we all just get along?
damn straight Wes, that is a great program with uncle jim form neoighbours no less, dishing out the bad old dude justice. being australian so i have no idea about what most of you are on about here, but I’m into it. Go ted. Fuck mollusc and fuck chris cote who is obviousy not the real chris cote (who i have no idea about either) and occys underbelly, save it please.
looks like stab is on the band wagon….
Dr. @ 4:25pm,
And to think, I once believed I may have finally found a surfing blog written by a knowledgeable, honest, and humorous fellow-surfer…. one that ALSO included followers and commentators whose IQ’s even approached double digits. Instead, judging by the last few days, it’s a steady onslaught of the same ol’ inane surfer-dude drivel. I poked the surface, and the leven did not rise.
Wake me when you decide to remove you helmets, get a sense of humor, and can at least match wits with a gravy skin.
I apologize for making the hamsters inside your empty skulls hyperventilate.
Hey dude Occy Underbit, you so friggin’ missed the “you’re” in your second to last sentence. Faggot! Homo.
Hey AI,
Next time get “Underbite” right. Queer.
Occy, AI and Magnum: You’re all just closeted fudgepackers! Suck it!
I sat awhile in perfect silence, rallying my stunned faculties.
Immediately it occurred to me that my ears had deceived me, or Bartleby had entirely misunderstood my meaning. I repeated my request in the clearest tone I could assume. But in quite as clear a one came the previous reply, “I would prefer not to.”
“Prefer not to,” echoed I, rising in high excitement, and crossing the
room with a stride. “What do you mean? Are you moon-struck? I want
you to help me compare this sheet here–take it,” and I thrust it
towards him.
“I would prefer not to,” said he.
lewis, your blog is great. Since you seem to be no holds barred, why don’t you man up and give us the real AI story.
the shirt is by the label ‘warriors of radness’ look them up there’s some funny shit on youtube
Bartleby? Nice. Out of context… but still, here? Ye gods! Perhaps they haven’t burned ALL the literature books in the coastal school libraries. Keep swinging. Someone’s bound to pulverize one of Occy’s softballs.
OB LOCALS? SF LOCALS? ALL YOU GUYS ARE FROM LA.
FAGS.
Wow, you were so close to being onto a cool story. You scratched the surface of something bigger. Seriously, do you really care about t-shirts?
‘Soft cock’, is right. Welcome to the world of peer-review. You post, you publish, you ask for it.
So, explain to all of us super hard-core surfers why localism is lacking in the mountains. What makes Santa Cruz different than Squaw Valley? Seaside different than Mt. Baker? Does one suffer from meth-addiction and the other not? Are good waves more rare than powder days? Do people nearer the mountains enjoy more sex?
PS: Drexnefex, this is not ‘Hot Tuna’. But if you EVER post any more surf maps of our spots up here, the boys and I will hunt you down and force you into a bathtub with that ass-pissing Japanese whore of yours to teach you a lesson with whale sashimi and recyclable board-shorts. But yeah… that said, let’s meet up for a beer on the mountain sometime. Capiche?
PPS: Chris Cote, look I’ve got tons of awesome editorial ideas but I’m just not interested in living where you live.
HEy Mollusk, listen up… Here in Hawaii, we ride em’, single fins, twins, whatevs at Sunset, Waimea, Pipe, an all da spots you neva gonna surf. An hey, we jus REGULAR FOLK, not no HIPSTa-SCENESTER brah!. Or Emo. SAD emo scenesters don’t exist HAWAII. Too big, bright, and beautiful for dem here. Bu u come Hawaii and try open dat shop here, You think u can hang cuz? U makin da kine look bad bu wit your image and shop pouring black gunk on da roots of surfin. Chirpin Aku Bird, take take take but no give. Wot! U helpin out the kids? Wot doing? HEY! here some study I did yea to prove you neva gonna make it here cuZ!
“Dr. Alison Kay of the University of Hawaii estimates from the current number of marine mollusk species found here that a new marine mollusk may have successfully colonized the Hawaiian Islands on average only once every 13,000 years!”
BU, hey, I gots ALOHA, you neva guess I wrote dis when u meet me, just shut da mouth, its best, for now, an when u come.
First of all, why is everyone on here such a homophobe? What are you- in 8th grade?
I dig Mollusk. Sure, the dudes there don’t surf great (not to mention, are as illiterate as in any other surf shop) and and a lot of the boards they sell are not all that functional, but culturally I think it’s really good for surfing.
I mean, why is it a bad thing if a shop is not defined by corporate entities?
So, they sell alaias. Grow a set and get the fuck over it.
Hey Lewis! I am warming up for the Bells event by doing a review of the 6 star wqs in Tasmania but I am having trouble with a few of the names and i was hoping you could help out. Which one of these dudes do you feel has the best chance of making the ct? Tamaroa Mccomb, Damien Fahrenfort, Rudy Palmboom, Marco Polo, Nobuyuki Osawa, Rhys Bombaci, Wiggoly Dontas or Gony Zubizarruta? This job is gonna be tougher than I thought.
Mark Knobfellator,
bartleby out of context on postsurf? doesn’t lewis (in so many words) say ‘i would prefer not to’ to the surf industry? postsurf as a subtractive politics?
yeah.
You are right, Wise surf shop and their legions of pop-outs and corpo clothing is much better for the SF surf scene.
Surfy surf kook. What is better corporate or contrived? Billabong=Corporate. Mollusk=Contrived.
A perfect example of Mollusk Kooks who cant surf.
I like Mollusk. Yes their boards are ridiculously overpriced, and they have a contrived hipsterian-ness to them, but they sell good wetsuits. And I know the owner. (I’m gay).
The real beef with Mollusk is that Jon tries to lock artists and shapers down to working only with Mollusk, then doesn’t order enough product to pay their rent and can’t be bothered to pay any of his bills on time.
I wonder how much that costs artists, shapers, designers and glassers, in interest on the credit cards they are forced to use to float them till they can convince him to pay up?
He’s tried to force other area shops not to carry the same boards and guilted his artists and shapers into not working with anyone else. How groovy art colony is that shit?
He’s built the shop by having some of the coolest non corpo gear in the industry, assymbling the best boards you could have in a shop, having personal talent that equates to the best art direction ever to hit a surf shop and cultivating the most talented group friends you can imagine. To try and sustain it with actions like that though goes against the entire image he’s striving to maintain.
Maybe as the critism gets a little louder he’ll open up his group and allow them to achieve their full potential, while still making some good profit.
” gonna be a long, long crazy crazy night”.
news flash… the whole surfboard manufacturing industry doesn’t pay their bills on time! anyone apart of it will tell you as much. so this phenomenon is not just relegated to Mollusk. from my experience Mollusk has actually been one of the better shops that pays shapers in a timely manner.
this whole rant against Mollusk i find a bit reactionary, and pretty boring to be honest (boring enough for me to spend time commenting on, HA!). like meddler mentioned above, they’ve become pretty successful and done so on their own terms. is that what pisses people off? like ‘em or not, they feed a market that now exists, a market they did not create by the way.
but yes, to appease some of the haters, i do agree that that t-shirt IS horse-shit.
Mr. Dog, is corporate or contrived our only two choices? meh
NO. It isn’t. The third choice is NEITHER. All of you who claim either “core”/corpo or grassroots-anti-corpo-cool-guy are failing to realize one thing: YOU’RE ALL WALKING BILLBOARDS. Go to the drug store, buy a pack of Hanes white tees (or for those of you who just have to “belong”, American Apparel so you can feel cool and hip and still not have a logo emblazoned on your chest) and be quiet.
It’s always great to watch some really bearded sole hipster who just started surfing the summer of his senior year play the whole role. Give him a resin tint, 18 fins, 12 channel bottom for the speed they’ll need to surf Linda Mar.
I never thought there would be such an opposition to a group of people who try to promote hand shaped boards and quality over quantity. I run a surf shop and it’s not an easy business and it’s easy to buy the cheaper boards and products that are made overseas because of the higher profit margin. Surf shops are taking a beating these days with competition from Hollister to Pac Sun and Zumiez, from the big department stores who carry the same quiksilver and billbong items you have only they sell it cheaper. It’s a tough time to run a surf shop. So any shop who can draw a line in the sand and say they won’t succumb to cheap boards made overseas and buy products that are mostly made in the US (not all, it’s damn hard to do that) you have to tip your hat to them for being a profitable business and standing firm with their beliefs, regardless if you like their style or not. They found a niche and try to support their shapers. Fault them for skinny jeans and v-necks but you can’t fault them for their respect for the foundation of surfing, the board builders.
you know what I find funny about the people in NY who talk shit about mollusk? a lot when you watch them surf and see their etiquette in the water.
quit pointing the finger and talking shit, confront your own failures in life cause its the true source of your anguish. its the reason why you arent hitting the whitewater on your cutbacks. i mean, as i look at the times of all your posts, 8 am, arent you guys in cali? you should be out surfing, instead your online hating.
and jeff, from ny. we’ve seen you surf. we’ve seen your surf etiquette. you and several others do not qualify to talk shit.
I don’t have any retro boards or shop at mollusk, but this article is ridiculous. No one who seems to be wrapped up in the mollusk thing is giving the stinkeye to anyone else. They’re invariably mellow, relaxed people who are into surfing for the right reasons.
It’s the old timer morons who think they should be provided right-of-way because they were here first who needlessly generate friction and should be eliminated from the gene pool (& I’ve lived in SF longer than most of you have been alive.)
With luck lewis runs into a tree in tahoe so his personal contribution to the overexposure of surfing on the internet comes to an end.
i think lewis is cool actually i like the blog.
Ho ! Now we got Renneker on here!
To NY
Nice point about post times, unless you lived on this lake we once called the Pacific.
If we had a winter this year, none of us would have any time for this.
As it is, there is a lot of pent up frustration…..
Mollusk?
We collectively explored these “retro” boards when they were experimental and quickly moved on to the next degree in function. Why the fetish over candy boards ridden poorly? Has fashion(?) eclipsed performance to these enthusiasts? What can we say about a generation obsessed with other dead generations and no signature of their own? What other sport is going backwards intentionally?
When my college buddies moved back to the bay area after school, they ditched their shortboards and became gun afficianados. Joke’s on them as the kids are killing the retro knock off’s.
FUCK EVERYBODY
Down here in San Diego county the emo hipster with the resin tint Fish and wood keels with the tight pants aren’t an issue, those guys are chill. It’s the uptight/high stress Laird Hamilton wannabee stock broker in springsuit and booties and the plastic pop-out stand up paddle board (SUP) strapped to the top of his bright yellow H2 who causes chaos at our surf spots. You SF guys are lucky because big OB clears out the kooks real fast. Down here it never gets over shoulder high.
DEATH TO MOLLUSK! ANGERRRRRR!
In my opinion, surfing has reached it’s post modern phase, like it or not. The reason why people have gone backward is because there isn’t really anywhere else to go. People are surfing 80 foot waves and doing crazy aerials, but at the end of the day, it’s not the quantum leaps that happened, say between ‘60 and ‘69. That just isn’t going to happen again. The reason why there is so much irony is also because there really isn’t much else to talk about.
Let’s get a couple things straight. John from Mollusk is boss.
Also: The Marshall Brothers (Warriors of Radness) are funnier than Lewis Samuels. They enjoy making fun of surfers more than anyone. They also like to rip on the surf industry and orange county in general. And they rip too. What more do you want? Chad’s coming to SF next weekend if you want to hang out. I live in the Mission. I wear tight pants.
I also forgot to say, in defense of Mollusk, two of the best surfers I’ve known in SF worked behind the counter at Mollusk and also were guys you’d see out in double overhead plus OB. They also are artists. I think that’s pretty cool. You can’t stereotype everyone. Also, I’ve seen Andy at Mollusk parties, and we all know he rips.
Andy der fo da girlz cuz, but he wear girl pants too, so you guys can trade em’. I never go see Andy on da kine tho eh?
Lewis Hamilton is such a fool for performing those burnout and fishtail stunts . But he must have been really charged up after setting the fastest time in practice for the Australian Grand prix. He should have kept off the road and had a few drinks to wind down .
greatly, the post is in reality the sweetest on this deserving subject. I fit in with your conclusions and will thirstily look forward to your next updates. Just saying thankx will not just be satisfactory, for the fantastic clarity in your writing. I will right away grab your rss feed to stay privy of any updates.
In a recent conversation, a fellow author was telling me about a seminar he attended. He said data was provided that showed “try before you buy” eBook sales were significantly more successful that “BuyNow” eBooks.
Useful information, many thanks to the author. It is puzzling to me now, but in general, the usefulness and importance is overwhelming. Very much thanks again and good luck!
Been looking for this article for long time ago and finally found here. thanks for sharing this post. appreciate!