Monthly Archives: April 2009

Surf Journalism: Anyone can do it!

One thing PostSurf has taught me: any retard can start an awesome surf website.
One of the latest is InSurfNews, started by Fred Patacchia and his partner Andrew Oliver.
They just put up this unintentionally hilarious press release on Surfline about a Bruce Irons interview.
So much to savor in that press release ...  Where to begin?
They tell [...]

IF YOU DON’T SURF, START. No, wait, I mean…

When I was a grom, Gotcha ran their "IF YOU DON'T SURF, DON'T START" ad campaign.  Lost recently re-ran the same exact campaign, but 20 years on, it comes across as ironic nostalgia for an era when everyone and their fat sister didn't surf already.

Consider, for instance, this quote from 90s Santa Cruz pro Adam [...]

Swine Flu. PANIC!

It's been a tough day here at PostSurf headquarters.  Like every calm, rational, American, I'm panicked about Swine Flu.
Two cases were just diagnosed only miles from where I live.  Our prime minister, that guy from Predator, just declared a state of emergency, and he usually doesn't scare so easy.
This whole thing sucks.  It confirms red-blooded, [...]

OMG, Laird is SO hot!

Recently someone asked me if Laird Hamilton’s big wave exploits were the result of meth-fueled courage.
“How the fuck should I know?” I replied. “But I think no. Laird doesn’t need meth – he’s high enough on himself.”
Hamilton and his wife make up an Aryan uber-couple that TMZ calls them "The Brangelina of Fitness," noting [...]


What's most interesting to me at this point about Surfline's "new and improved Power Rankings" (as described objectively by Surfline's editor) is that they feature yet another attempt by Surfline to stifle dissent from their audience.
Like all Surfline features, the comments section for the new rankings is moderated.
Unsurprisingly, I received a large number of emails [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 1-5

Joel Parkinson
Bells Result: 1 Previous Result: 1 ASP Rating: 1
Well that was relatively easy.  After breezing to two seemingly preordained victories, Parko’s all but secured the World Title.  He’s like an NBA player on the free-throw line now, who only needs to make 1 of 2 to seal the deal and prevent the game from [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 6-10

Taj Burrow
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 3 ASP Rating: 7
Poor Taj.  Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.  In recent years, Taj has revealed his deep desire to emulate Cocoa Beach’s most famous son.  Unfortunately for Taj, his personal trainer thinks Carrot Top, not Kelly Slater, is Cocoa Beach’s most famous son.  (According to Wiki, Carrot [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 11-15

Kekoa Bacalso
Bells Result: 5 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =9
On a more serious note: it’s a well-know fact that surf journalists cannot write about Hawaiians with anything approaching candor.  My former employer was happy to let me throw Brazilians or Euros under the bus.  But when it came to Hawaiians, even Hawaiian haoles, I was [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 16-21

Drew Courtney
Bells Result: 9 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =14
One of the most common mistakes novice drunk drivers make is going too slow.  If you’re driving 15 MPH and swerving like a sidewinder, everyone knows you’re plastered.  But if you’re fanging it in 5th gear, people are going to notice the pure speed before they [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 22-27

Kelly Slater
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =24
Lately, I feel old.  Hedonistic, selfish pursuits don’t consistently bring me the same joy that they used to.  When I get wasted, I have fun, but I’m haunted by the fact that in my 20s I got more wasted, and had more fun.  When I surf, [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 28-33

Michael Campbell
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =29
From a historical perspective, when an Aussie thinks of backside surfing at Bells, they think of Mark Occhilupo and little else.  But throughout the late 80s and early 90s, Damien Hardman ruled the Bells bowl with a methodical precision.  With the help of high-volume, low rocker [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 34-39

Greg Emslie
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29
Everything you possibly need to know about Greg “Bigfoot” Emslie can be learned by watching the seminal 1987 film “Harry and Hendersons,” backwards, while simultaneously listening to side two of Led Zeppelin IV, also backwards, while trying to snort lines of vintage angel dust cut with [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 40-45

OK, kids.  The Power Rankings live on - on Postsurf, for now.  I'll be putting up a handful a day over the course of the next week.  Let's start with the bottom dwellers.

Miky Picon
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 Rating: =39
Many cynics scoff that the ASP is poised on the brink of irrelevancy: a [...]

Finally, something to celebrate!

It's not like a wake up each morning, incredibly angry, eager to find some surf-industry thing I can rant about.  It's not like I enjoy penning cynical, bitter tirades about this industry that has sprung up like a herpes growth on our shared passion.
I wake up happy.  I wake up ever optimistic that the dawn's [...]