All right kids - it's time for another reader challenge!
The following painting, by Heironymous Bosch, contains uncannily accurate depictions of a number of surf industry figures and brands - despite the fact that Bosch painted it in 1504. Amazing, really.
From Wiki (where I do all my fact-checking):
"The left panel depicts God presenting to Adam the newly created Eve, while the central panel is a broad panorama of sexually engaged nude figures, fantastical animals, oversized fruit and hybrid stone formations. The right panel is a hellscape and portrays the torments of damnation. Art historians and critics frequently interpret the painting as a didactic warning on the perils of life's temptations.However the intricacy of its symbolism, particularly that of the central panel, has led to a wide range of scholarly interpretations over the centuries."
So now it's your turn to interpret the symbols - Match all of the following with their corresponding figure and win!
1) Christian Fletcher
2) Quiksilver
3) SUPers
4) Billabong
5) Buzzy Trent
6) Sean Collins
7) Shane Herring
8) Richie Collins
9) Flea Vorostko
10) Chris Cote
Note: you may want to begin your search for many of these figures in the right panel, which depicts Bosch's hellscape of eternal damnation.
There are times I wonder why I read your blog Lewis. This would be one of those times.
(But, dammit, if your lunacy and utterly unpredictable bullshit doesn’t just rope me back in).
Christian is over there on the right, that one is way to obvious. Also I see Shane herring doing something discusting. Way way to easy to spot Flea as well as the SUPer…. I only see one of those.
I can see the charcoaled remnants of Billabong, and Sean collins.
I see Cote but for some reason he looks like he has Tits and a Cooch.
Buzzy looks like he is leading us to the promised land. Oh and I think I see Occy’s overbite but it’s munching on something………….. Oh yeah Richie is over in the corner givin it a pull while everyone else is gettin some!!!!!!!!!
Quiksilver doesn’t look to good so I’ll just say a prayer
Here’s my take on this thought provoking post:
1. Christian Fletcher: Easy. He is God. Located in the first frame, He is the father of modern aerial surfing, backdoor soul, and fellow lowrider who loves old Fords, like myself.
2. Quiksilver: The mountains on Hell’s horizon. They vomit forth the glow of Kelly Slater’s throbbing gristle, minutes after he took Giselle Buttchin from behind.
3. SUPers: Those who frolic amongst the serene lake in panel two. Ironically, their gasoline fumes caused the fish to mutate, sprout wings, and fly.
4. Billabong: Duh, the primordial puddle of ooze in the first frame. Birthing a limitless supply of knuckle dragging creatures yet to evolve into creatures possessing enough self awareness to use their opposable thumbs to jack-off the flaccid maggots that dangle betwixt their webbed-foot clad legs.
5. Buzzy Trent: He sits ‘ponst his throne of big wave surfing in the last frame. There, he surveys the carnage of professional surfing about him, and dines on the meaty thigh of Carlos Burle. “Where were you fifty years ago, putz?” Buzzy ponders as femur shrapnel rattles about his cavernous mouth.
6. Sean Collins: Somewhat hard to locate this pile of rotting flesh amongst so much filth and debauchery. Then… SMACK!! There he is. Right before our astonished eyes. Smack dab in the middle of the last frame. His smug expression is subtly obscured by a sombrero sporting various corporate lute players who proudly espouse their keen knowledge of all surf spots heretofore unbeknownst to the peasant masses. His smile reflects the shudders his colon is experiencing as the next wave of “young guns” foolishly make their way up the ladder of success to the gaping asshole of reality. So it goes.
7. Shane Herring: Who? Where? Here? Oh, yeah, he’s the washed up coulda-been who’s passed out on the table in the lower portion of the last frame. It’s probably best he’s not lucid enough to witness any more Slater victories at this point.
8. Richie Collins: Richie resides in the last frame. His exposed buttocks lies just below the gallows, his head buried in the decadent sands of Newport Beach’s obscurity, and his prolapsed rectum dispensing hand-shaped surfboards resembling the fingers of an arthritic geriatric patient.
9. Flea Virostko: Darryl emerges, though it’s hard to see, from the bathhouse in the lower right portion of the middle frame. What he was doing in that bathhouse with other sweaty, nude men… I cannot judge. I only calls it like I sees it. No offense Darryl, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with alternative lifestyles.
10. Chris Cote: Amazingly, he shows up in all three panels. In panel one, he climbs from the primordial ooze with the sad look of realization on his face that, his mind will never evolve beyond that of a tadpole. In the second panel, he has morphed into a tower of Menos Tiny Phallus; in the lake on the upper left corner… and there he spouts forth his devout love of seeing corporate men. Finally, in the last frame, Chris manages an extremely heavy petting session with a swine in nun’s garb – a Mother Teresa, if you will.
All in all, a brilliant masterpiece by Bosch. The painting itself is sexy… like a sexy nightmare. Now, I pray my nightly dose of whisky and Ambien drowns my sorrows for having pained my retinas with this post.
I see this picture more simply. Simply put, Mark resides in the first panel of the triptych, I reside in the last panel of the triptych and the rest of you lascivious bastards reside in the center panel.
I prefer to take up residence amongst the mutilated beings depicted who are the result of some demonic four-way between Frankenstein’s monster, a Morlock, Jeffrey Dahmer and, of course, Pinhead. They are unclean. Bosch’s style is unclean. In this context, that’s decidedly a compliment.
Duuuuuude this painting is so epic and sooooo not jockish. I loooooovvvve it.
Looks like christian fletcher in the green gas chameber-looking thing on the right with one door open….no matter how many drugs and toxic substances you give him…he lives; and Richie Collins on the SUP, going up the river, bent over, cupping his balls, and fingering his own asshole. Right off of Richie’s starboard bow, it looks like Flea emerging from a two-wave hold down at mav’s, surrounded by a toxic pool of meth and vodka…sad, really. Like the whole baseball and steroids thing didn’t make much sense to me until now. Damn it Lewis, enough of this fuckery, I’m trying to study for a state-sponsored professional examination here.
This is Minor League WQS Nit ncaa div. 2 boring drivel. This site doesn’t live up to the hype.
So this is what California looks like…helluva party you guys got going over there. I’m having trouble picking out most of the people Luís mentioned, but for some reason, Alanna Blanchard keeps jumping out of both the first and third pannels. Weird huh?
After reading what Blasphemy Rotmouth wrote I was so blown away that there is no way anyone could have picked out all of those characters like the way he did. Rotmouth you were right on with everything you said and I take my hat off and congratulate you. If there was a prize surely you would win it. Thank you for that.
you’re getting meaner and meaner, post after post. kinda dig that. keep it up mr.lewis
Yes, Rotmouth deserves an award.
And the award is…
The Sorriest Sad Person Award to He Who Devotes So Much Time to Not Living His Own Life But Seeking Esteem Through Time Consuming Comments Attributed to Monikers on Some Dude’s Blog.
But at the same time, Rotmouth, I enjoy your efforts.
Well what do you know: I just spotted Laird Hamilton. He’s the one in all three tiyptychs telling everyone that they can find salvation through drinking creatine smoothies, occasional self flagelation, and or course, buying his book.
Lewis, it’s good to see that you read The Daily Dish…even if you do steal from it.
Take a look at that post date again Blizz you douchebag.
Samuels put up his post a day before them, so he didn’t steal the idea and it’s either that site stole from postsurf or its a random good friday coincidince.
@Lance is Right,
Yes, but how many times did you orgasm reading my comment.
Lance is Right,
1. This is a blog I come to so I can read Lewis Samuels witty and sometimes hilarious comments and post a few of my own thoughts. I enjoy seeing much of what he writes float over your head like a ninja hand-gliding on a cool-ranch dusted Dorito. You have no wit, you only snipe at other people who comment. You bring nothing to this site. Your posts are boring and of little interest other than irritation. Being an irritant is the last refuge of an attention-craving dimwit.
2. It’s not about me being clever; it’s about you being boring. Your comment wouldn’t attract my venom if they were at least witty. They, and you, are just tiresome.
3. It’s obvious from your post that you resent being average. Don’t; it’s fine, really. Strength in numbers. Now shut up and get my order before I have to fill out an Arby’s comment card.
Jackie Done, just so you know, it is possible for people to post from different time zones.
…and Andrew Sullivan is not fucking reading postsurf.
Magnum Q… stop trying to bore us with your snotty put downs. You tried to be funny and smart in your comment but lets be honest it was weak amd lame… if I was a 12 year old boy who had a gun and you were a dog I would put you down old yeller.
Lance,
We appreciate you fulfilling all (3) points with your retort at 12:24pm.
Way to hit ‘em where it hurts.
Lance, FYI, Occy’s Undertaint and Magnum Q.I. are the same sad person.
He defends his own comments using monikers. Pathetic.
He has to support himself. He is his own one friend. He is his own lover.
Masturbating in anonymity. He is his own messiah and his palms and digits are his twelve loyal disciples.
he should surf mav’s gassed on whiskey and ambien
How come I not here Lewis? You forget me bro? I not in picture?
I think I can see Jordy getting after it right there on my Winki-Pop in the picture on the right.
El Senor Holy War,
You are in the painting. So well placed and accurately portrayed that Lewis needed not include you in his challenge.
You are the one bearing the weight of the long horn on your back; the horn aimed at the SUP guy, opposite the leg being inhaled by the cauldron crowned fish-being missing from Mos Eisley Cantina…the guy with the pole up the ass, thus explaining your style.
Fill out the comment card Meatwhistle, Lance isn’t even right for Arby’s.
And of course Blasphemy hit the art lit project out of the park! 14 years at the University of Pheonix has prepared him well and that thorough analysis proves the 50 G’s are worth paying interest on.
Andrew Sullivan plagerizing Lewis Samuels……. wow. Does Lewis know Jeff Gannon too?
Hey, Blasphemy Rottmouth: funniest words I’ve read in awhile. Brilliant! Thanks for the afternoon laugh.
Surfboard and wetsuit
a leash and a car,
all the pollution you need
to ride a sand bar.
Smog up the coast
check coves and beaches
scope boils and points
you see the same trannie leeches.
At any hour, any day
someone’s surfing ‘your spot’
he’s got his longboard, ten friends,
their SUVs in the lot.
You paddle out alone
to the crowd on the peak
and they don’t even bail
when you take a big leak.
The sets are for locs
outsides for the carps
insides for barneys
anywheres for sharks.
A few joke and some fart
both funny and foul
but most sit on boards
wait for waves and scowl.
A meth head gets eggy,
stink-eyes a twin fin,
and yells “beat it kook!”
to the otter beside him.
Some midget gets barrelled
busts an air and he flows,
valleys wonder, groms dream:
“Dude…is he a pro?!”
In between sets they talk
boards, girls and partyin
the same things said
every hour ad-nauseam:
“Got wasted last night
with my boys and some hos
picked up this hot chick
turns out ‘twas a bro.”
“I used to longboard,
then I rode quad fins
now I ride hand-planes
nude with the dolphins.”
“Mavs is gnarly right now
but Wednesday was bigger.”
“Nice! Did you kill it?”
“Nah, I took pictures.”
“This hull slides ass,
but has a cool tint and label.”
“Ah, no worries dude,
‘tis biodegradable.”
“My girl’s havin’ a baby.”
“Dude, congratulations!”
“No way, brah…
No more surf vacations.”
“Thesis on Foucault
is due next week.”
“I’ve got an art class.”
“Whatever. Lets go to Bali.”
“I Have my gun today,
a big swell is coming.”
while its 3 foot onshore
and everyone’s slumming.
You hear it every day
the same shitty songs
wish you could set off
a neutron bomb.
You get your first wave
after an hour or two,
dodge SUPs down the line,
more lemmings to shoo.
Give up and stroke in
walk to the car all sandy,
but your window is busted
in shards like rock candy.
Fuck ‘em, you say,
fuck all, fuck you!
I’m gonna go bush
on the island of Vancou–
“–fuck that!” says your bro,
“Go and check da net.
No chicks, no jobs up there
‘tis funky, cold and wet.”
But I have an old friend
Went dharma, flipped his lid,
surfs Oregon, eats raw,
shapes single fins off the grid…
“Nah. Sack up. Surf mellow,
it’s not ‘bout Oregon or France
it’s like Joe Campbell says–
Life’s all about the dance.
Ya see, climate change is coming
Gaia’s bringin’ nine hells
more waves for surfers
when society fells.”
That poem was a 6.5 max.
Eonegin,
You made my night. That was excellent work. Standing O. With that, I can forego the Ambien and polish the rest of this here Jameson bottle and sleep off the nightmare flat spell.
Bravo!
Warshaw, Hawk, Kampion and Hynd,
I’ll give you the benifit of the doubt and assume you mean meant “my mommas cock” when you said “That poem.”
What the fuck does mean meant mean?
It means he meant to mean to say he meant; drunk-ass Jenny pouch humpers.
I’m confused.
i love to poop
pooping is fun.
poop on my face
poop on yours.
diaria in the air
your in dispair.
diaria on the gound
safe and sound.
so much poop
so little time.
poop on a quarter
poop on a dime.
the comments section of this blog has definitaly become more entertaining than the blog posts… but i guess you need someone to be the moderator
Did Rorschach surf?
Now do it for this Dodd painting that hangs in the Tate Britain!!
We were way better than Lewis.
This site will forever be incomplete until you people lay down your swords and ask Mark to return. He is a genuine fan of pro surfing who is articulate, well read and has a great attitude. Just because he has different political views than most of you doesn’t mean that he is a bad person.
P.S. Here is a list of people Mark requires a direct apology from if he is to return to Post Surf.
1: Artie 2: Stu 3: Mike 4: Blasphemy Rottmouth 4:Occy’s Underbite 5: Pirate Salsa 6:Magnum Q. Meatwhistle 7: Lewis Samuels.
We thank all of you in advance. Mark is a proud dude and this will not be a simple task. However we feel that sincere apologies from these guys could result in a return to Post Surf glory for Mark that will benefit us all just in time for Jordy Smiths triumphant victory at Bells Beach.
Oh yeah he is also really funny.
Coalition has a point….. Without any threads worth commenting on and ridiculous “poetry” confusing our brightest minds, many of Mark’s critics are reduced to infighting and stabs in the intellectual dark. Lord of the flies, cyber space.
But Mark’s probably just enjoying the Masters…. you know, that golf course that doesn’t allow women and negros… well, except that one dude who keeps winning that lame green jacket. No wonder the good ol boy club has their panties in a wad over our new president, he’s playing outside of their box. Their “Christian” world of exclusion and self serving interests is imploding under the weight of the density of an exponentially growing demographic of Have Nots.
Is that what you had in mind, Coalition. Glad to do my part. Welcome back Mark and may Jordy be gentle with your fantasies.
We didn’t here an apology in that comment mr. Mike.
Mark just reminded us that he needs an apology from A.I.’s Dealer as well.
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