It's not like a wake up each morning, incredibly angry, eager to find some surf-industry thing I can rant about. It's not like I enjoy penning cynical, bitter tirades about this industry that has sprung up like a herpes growth on our shared passion.
I wake up happy. I wake up ever optimistic that the dawn's light will reveal good waves and good articles on my favorite surf websites. The inevitable result? Another caustic tired tirade in the shadow of Miki Dora.
So... what a pleasure it is to post something worth celebrating: Photo Feature on the sex life of
The way you can tell I wasn't ripping Stab off with my Hannah Mermaid post? I definitely would have used their photos - they are better than the photos I used. Hats off.
I quote:
"I refer to Dave and Hannah Rastovich.
In Hawaii late last year, we photographed the happily married couple as they avidly caressed for our lens.
It is sexy, it is hot, it is erotic.
But it is also tender and loving.
Note the way David stares meditatively past his woman as she possesses him cowboy-like; see how Hannah cups her terrific bosom as David lays spent, planning his next environmental adventure or a signature trunk that emits not one megabyte of carbon. Look closely at the interplay between the deepest of loves and that most fiery of orbs.
Read, watch and learn. – Derek Rielly.
Editor’s note: Two months after this shoot, Dave and Hannah decided to separate. Stabs asks that you please respect their privacy during this difficult time."
Wow. This post really has not merit of any kind to surfing…..but, she’s nice to look at. Thanks for the surf porn.
Hmmmm, this has about as much merit as Holly Beck’s cucumber ad campaign, and will facilitate the usual discussion amongst the faithful, inevitably wandering off course so that by the 4th reply it has nothing to do with your original Post. Do you ever fell like a Kindergarden teacher Lewis? That said, she is smoking hot, and that dirtbag, dolphin stroking hippie is pulling in, so he deserves props. This Post will obviously inspire a spike in REAL porn viewing. This is a true definition of ‘lay day’.
…FEEL like a kindergarden teacher… Sorry i was looking at porn on my other monitor. Very distracting.
To repeat, that mermaid is smoking hot. The photos clear up the matter of whether she has legs and an ass. She clearly does, at least while on land. Unfortuntaely, we are left to conjecture as to the existence, location and smell of any mer-pussy. While of course respecting the privacy of Rasta and the mermaid, I would like to go on record as saying it must smell extremely fishy.
now those are some nice pics of tom hanks and daryl hannah! now if you could only find a few of her caressing steve martin from Roxanne we would really get the steamy stuff.
Rasta’s friends tell me he can dejaculate. What this means in layman’s terms, is after he orgasms, he can suck the sperm back up through his cock and into his testes. There is a lot more to the process than just that; but I don’t have the time to get into that shit right now, gawdammit.
I hear Slater’s dating Hannah Mermaid, hence his recent fall from grace. He’s more worried about dolphins than titles at this point.
Couldn’t even pretend to have sex without product placement.
sweeeet ass this Hannah has!
I’m Rasta’s “friend”.
Lewis from bobo? Just found this site. Weren’t you friends with Chet’s little bro? Haven’t seen Chet since Hastings.
Shut up, tdog. Nobody gives a shit if you know Lewis or not. And Chet? Isn’t that the big brother from Weird Science? I can’t imagine what he has to do with surfing. Now, can we please get back to Hannah’s ass?
It’s true, they separated. He cited “incompatibility” but her publicist says that it was “incomplete penetration” coupled with the neighbors constant complaints about “dolphin squeaks” coming from next door.
The reality is that in order to have a relationship at least one of the parties involved needs to have as much interest in the other person as they do in themselves or their career.
It seems it was a pure publicity stunt. She agreed to spend a half an hour per day without her tail on and he agreed to pretend not to be gay.
Right up there with Michael Jacksons marriage to Priscilla.
And Tom Cruise doing pretty much anything.
…..And Slaters new boards.
And Taj loses his heat despite that fact that bottle dug a rail on every other turn.
Funny how Slaters curse always extends to his closest competitors.
I’ll go out on a limb and predict that Parko breaks his magic stick in the semis and loses to Jordy in final.
This is precisely what surfing needs…an orgasmic shot of sex-fueled adrenaline. Speaking of STAB and stabbing. I once cut a hole in my Hap Jacobs longboard and tried to screw it. “She” took it like I was stabbing her with a knife. Of course the board didn’t have an ass like her, or a Boys division NSSA champ for that matter.
That day I learned a few things. 1) I like boys 2) Sex Wax is not really good for sex. And 3) Hell hath no fury like a Sex Wax dingleberry.
My dad once told me that if I ever found a woman I’d be willing do anything for, then I should never let her go. He also told me to take that woman and wail on her derrière like a woodpecker on Eucalyptus.
But I never thought I’d find that woman. Naturally, in my mind, “willing to do anything” meant slaughtering all the remaining Lesser One Horned Rhinoceros in Southeast Asia using my prized Mike Watt guitar pick then delivering their carcasses on rough hewn Sumatran Pine to the Commander in Chief of the Indonesian Military while draped in the flag of the Free Aceh Movement and simultaneously reciting The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock backwards in Yiddish.
Rhino’s, you are warned. Hannah may be THAT woman.
Parko going down in the semis doesn’t really equate to a cursed result. BTW, given the Jordy love posted by jig, I think it’s safe to assume jig=Mark.
I am definately NOT Jiggy Jig because I, unlike him, realize that Jordy and Parko are in the same half of the draw. They cannot meet in the final.
I thought you might be out having a Tea party today.
speaking of parties, does anyone miss AI on tour? Not me.
Surf talk only from here on out for Mark.
I would love to see A.I. carving it up out there.
didn’t look at the heat draw. Leave that statistical shit to Lewis who seems to have abandoned his true calling.
As for loving the lover of anal cougars, well,.. at least we have that in common. I’m not a big Jordy fan in general. But he has been on an off and on tear lately and surfing way above the pack.
Personally I’d like to see Parko win the event and either him or Slater win the year. Even though I think Parkos win would be a swan song in some ways and Kellys would be for sure.
Changing of the guard coming on by next year for sure unless Jordy or Dane can pull it together and light it up. Maybe that Bart Simpo guy or one of the Maui air crew can make it next year and turn it into a trick fest.
By the way, is it just me or does the bells event seem like the slowest most boring event in years? Normally I like the way Bells forces people to show what they got in the way of performance in average surf but this is just painful.
Be awesome if Taylor Knox could win the tour and retire in style. Never happpen but as long as its an “off” year might as well give it to a guy who surfs better than his results ever indicate.
he’s a head case to the extent he couldn’t win a title even if he was the only one on tour.
As they just said, almost 500 heats and for what? His own grandmother would probably beat him despite trying to throw heats his way and riding a soft funboard. In reality he murders it though.
It IS just you. And how is this an ” off ” year? Just because Slater hasn’t won every contest? Parko won the opener at his home break in barrels and is now, along with Mick, blowing doors at Bells. And the waves have been consistent at Bells with moments of excellence.
I agree about T. Knox but that blind dude on American Idol can see that isn’t going to happen.
Come on Jig.You are off today.
Dave Rastovich resembles a Phil Hendrie character.
Steve Bosell or Rudy Canoza.
just a hunch that it isn’t gonna be a year when anyone really raises the bar. Maybe I’m wrong. We shall see.
Can’t believe Parko can hold form for the year but lightning did strike once. could happen again and just slightly miss Mick and shock the shit out of Joel.
Aside from Parkos heat flashes of brilliance have been few and far between. Lots of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory going on.
As for Taylor, always been a Taylor fan and wish he had found a way to deliver at least one year. I know he won’t but no harm in cheering for the old guys now and again.
Seems to me that C.J. is not only the better competitor here but, at this point in Taylors career, C.J. is the better surfer as well.
So apparently the ASP loves Lewis…..the webcast just gave a “shout out” to the boy!
yea, Kook, I head that.
now, when is it Lewis’s shout? the bloody cheap bastard!
Taylor is technically the best surfer on tour, has been for years. Polished, powerful and precise, his rail is always leading to the next turn.
“Snapper” was decided in chaos, with a brilliant performance, but one must take into account that no waves would have been caught without a jet ski.
Well, Blasph Rott just won this weeks comment of the week……
I’d say Slater and Parko are both technically better than Taylor. Taylor is more consistently committed to holding his rail longer and burying it again earlier but that is not the same thing as being technically the best.
Think of it like music. There is sound and there is the spaces in between. Taylor holds his notes the longest but makes poor use of “release”, ie., the space between. Slater understands “silence” better than anyone else ever has.
Jig, You appreciate the segues between Slaters assualts ( silence ), but if Taylor is surfing well, obviously not in a heat, he has no segues. Slater is the master of recovery, meaning he raises his risk level because his elasticity allows him the luxury of linkage. Parko is right there. Pretty fucking rad to watch all this shit go down instead of waiting for the Prime Media twins to cover this 3 months from now.
well it may not be on point with the rasta mermaid subject but at least this thread is about surfing.
thank heavens taj and his firewood flicking are not going to sight pollute for the rest of the contest.
with the solid scores for parko i would have thought taylor’s committed power would have gotten some more love.
Bobby tried to win a heat without surfing. Mick surfed an entire heat without priority and snuffed the spectator.
Oddly enough when I see Taylor freesurf out the front here from time to time he has better linkage and a bit more space in between. It’s like contests make him try too hard and he is half a step forced.
Taj, as FO, points out, only plays sixteenth notes and only knows one rhythm.
moving to winki….giving me fucking blue balls, I had my chips and beer ready for an interesting heat…FUCK!
Move to Winki favors Jordy I reckon. Should see some sick action now on a cleaner playing field. Yee Haw.
Let me get this “straight”…is this Rasto guy trying to prove that he’s the only pro/tour surfer type that’s not a flaming fag?
All the rest seem to get off on snuggling in a hot tub with their tour “Bros”…or living together for weeks at a time in secluded cabins to make “films”…
Curious thing that…
Let’s Hijack Lewis’s post. What musical act best represents each competitor? I’ll start it off by saying Taj is like listening to Pennywise.
Tank’s like listening to Pantera’s “primal concrete sledge”…..I’d also like to plow alana blanchard…she looks unbeleivable in the watch ad that keeps popping up.
I missed Bobbys heat. Apparently so did he.
taj is like the chipmunks
comboland……yAAAWWWWWWN….
Watching Parko surf is like listening to the opening chords of Led Zeppelins Ten Years Gone while watching a beautiful sunset over Kaena Point.
you’re making me have flashbacks mark
God, what a sleeper that turned out to be. Thank god for seinfeld. I wish I could get that 30 minutes back….let me guess, they’re gonna call it for the day now. Anybody know when the NBA playoffs start? The final round of the Masters was epic the other day. No wonder Lewis caps on the surf industry so hard, it’s really not a sport, it’s a way of life. Out.
“yeah I’m really happy I made it through that heat, Owens’ a great kid and he’ll just be killing it in the future, glad I don’t have to work for another three days, and I’ll be fucking cougars in the ass…it’s a wonderful life.
The question of 2009 so far. Can Jordy conjure up his own African electrical storm to deal with the White Lightning from Coolangatta? What if they wait until tomorrow and those two go at it in 8 foot plus smokers?
If Kekoa wins this heat I am going to have a beer in Mililani tonight in his honor.
The entire cheerleading team at Mililani High School just went wild! Yeah Kekoa!
Some good heats on tap for tomorrow. Upset of the day is CJ over Parko.
Rasta’s forked tongue slowly wiggled up Hannah’s spine as she shrieked out in the passionate dance of lovemaking. “This is so erotic,” she thought to herself as he sensually and tenderly began to suck her brain out through her ears. Chunky pink ooze squirted everywhere as she got drunk off the slow, dull, rhythmic sensation of body-snatching… senselessness slowly crept in. She arched her back, and then, everything went dark.
Simultaneously, somewhere in deep space, Haley’s Comet crashed into an errant Neil Armstrong fecal log.
These two events have almost nothing in common.
The more I look at her, the more I likey. When I was a young blasphemous grom, there were certain hotties that made me want to do filthy, obscene, and sometimes vial things to. Hannah happens to fall under the specific category of females that cause everlasting wood.
I would gargle with turtle boogers and verbally recite all the genealogies listed in the Pentateuch, only using short bursts of gerbil squeaks, while roller-skating over the Lang Wapper Bridge in Antwerp, dressed only in puréed moose anus and a flag that read: My Bald Headed Butler Burps Belgian Waffles; just for the honor of serving my subsequent incarceration in the same cell that once housed the captured German soldier, whose misfired Luger sent a bullet that grazed the helmet of her Grandfather’s Lieutenant’s favorite Private, as he stormed the beaches of Normandy in World War II.
And then I would console my balls of blue with a warm tube sock.
Did I mention that Rasta looks like a stoned pygmie-iguana, ala Cheech and Chong’s ‘Up in Smoke’ movie, in the top picture?
‘night.
C.J.’s trip is filet knife sharp right now with the true coach sport package he has going with Gally and his bro. Taking out 10 + boards and checking spray on video for that extra .05 is some good shit bra! To bad Tavarua is cancelled. Jordy at Winki was sick, he is starting to really figure things out also. Parko and Luke teaming up is another Marvel Comic type of deal that might have some serious positive ramifications in the Goods ~ Gally mold. A.I has to be a little bummed not being able to see Kelly’s wildcard duo results in person a heat or two after the fact. Adam Robo is on some 80’s trialist raw shit also, love it.
Great analysis Richbzztch but you must have been taking out the trash or something during Kekoas heat. Otherwise you would have mentioned big boys grunting power gaffs and massive breakfast carb consumption. Also Freddy P. RIPPING on his magic board. The Hawaiians had the two highest heat totals.
What an awesome contest! I still cannot understand why some on this site continue to whine about the state of pro surfing and how boring Bells is. This event has had some incredible surfing and all who are in the Quarters are absolutely blowing doors at the highest possible level. The final day could be one for the record books!
Now you will have to excuse me. We have a firing 6 to 7 foot plus spring swell on hand and I am going to eat a massive breakfast and go practice my Kekoa carves.
P.S. I will catch one for you today Mike.
Yeah, what was I thinking. I had to run to the post office Fl time before 12:00 on the bike but i saw that heavy heavy full speed arc Kekoa did on his 9.1 ( I think) early in the heat. Shades of Halewia during the triple crown final but much much sharper. He is in full bloom youth form and the Rip curl box crew has kinda been sleeping on him. Freddy and him are on some state of the art new age aloha shit. Good to see, hasn’t really been anything like this since Sunny, Kaipo and Derek in the late 80’s early 90’s. Didn’t Kekoa have one of the highest heat scores early on at the Gold Coast also? Him and freddie have been dropping lots of 9’s early this season. Love it, more 5ths or better for both in the future. Fred is another that is going to miss Tavarua. Do you think the Search event is going to be in the Canaries at that killer right the O&E w.q.s was at? Just wondering sorry about the rambling, lots of Nor’easter chunks on tap here in the near future also so surf stoked ever so super slightly.
Another good example supporting Surfline’s decision to fire Lewis (yes, beating a dead horse…):
With Lewis out of the mix, its clear that Surfline can now waste that much desired website ‘real estate’ on more important things.
Boy, I hope she is ok from that massive fall. What was that, like 1.5-2 ft Hawaiian?
Mark, are you seriously up at 4:24 am posting on this thing? Or are you stuck in the Tarzana area you seem to discuss so often?
It was 5:24 a.m. Stu and I was amped for the North Shore dawn patrol. Why are you always hating on me dude? Now that my wife won’t allow me to talk politics or religion on here ( she calls me PostMark ) you should have no reason to be blowin up on me like Kekoa Bacalso on a couple of five dollar foot longs. I have extended the olive branch all the way from Haleiwa to wherever the heck you live. Take it in peace my friend.
P.S. Surflines wrap up of yesterdays proceedings in Oz was VERY poorly written. Looks like quite the talent vacuum since Lewis got launched.
My master tells the story of a raggedy old dog chained to the fence of the city dump who liked to eat his own shit. One day as my master pissed on to his growling jaw through a metal fence, he observed something extraordinary—-a prodigious and odious pile of maggot-infested shit freshly deposited from the beast’s mangy rectum. My master could not betray his horror, which the beast must have noticed, for my master swears he observed a smirk. What followed could never have been anticipated. Rather than consume the pile, he buried the feces below a rat’s den covered in horse semen and anal fissures.
My master returned years later to find the city dump and the filthy beast gone. All that remained was a thoroughly worn 2 foot long eco-friendly mermaid dildo covered in barbed wire and decaying German condoms from World War II.
Meanwhile a hilariously irrelevant non sequitur caused David Rastovich to dejaculate inside of me.
Looks like Lewis’s time stamp hasn’t taken into account the early switch to daylight savings time.
only a few hours until CJ takes down Parko.
lots of nutters on here, i feel right at home
Parko will take down C.J. and then he will be taken down by Jordy who will have taken down Mick. Then Jordy will take down kekoa in one of the all time power surfing finals in Bells history. Then I will be ranked in the top 200 in fantasy Surfer out of almost 15,000 people worldwide.
P.S. Hey Mike when I win Fantasy Surfer would you like to go on the first prize Mentawai boat trip as my guest? I guess you have to ask your mom huh?
I seem to have developed a fan. And by ‘fan,’ I mean stalker.
Either that or a highly evolved (and clincally disturbed) large intestine.
Parko will definitely take down CJ. No way a goofy foot wins Bells. CJ is not Occy.
they said the same before he won Sunset. Just a hunch.
clearly a bad hunch. While a bit wave-starved, CJ had a half hour to catch 2 decent waves and just waited himself into a loss. He must have been using the Taylor Knox “I hate to win” strategy.
Freddy P was extremely well spoken after his win in the Semi’s. Nice to see the stereotype of “Hawaiian Brudda” blown out.
dont let him fool you.
The winner of this one wins the contest and the tour? Is this the defining heat of the year? Could be. Parko looks to have his best form ever, so if Jordy beats him…..
He’s not fooling me…..it’s just good to see he can be well spoken when he’s on camera, better than playing the fool.
true enough.
Jordy needs a good one now, eh? . Cant win it with a crumb unless he pulls out some psycho flip or something.
Good heat so far, possibly best yet of the contest.
If Freddys first wave had come 20 seconds earlier……..
Rip Curl Bells: Let’s see how many off-the-lips we can do to the beach contest. Filthy. No doubt these are the best off-the-lippers on the planet.
can’t wait to see Lewis’ rankings after this. Slater sitting solidly at equal 24 should be fun.
Bells is a right, as is Winkipop. Obviously, this favors regular foots. (Same with the Quikpro.)
But what are we to do with the poor unfortunate goofy foots? Shall we mandate that each heat advances 0.5 goofy footers? Therefore making it that in at least every other heat, at least one goofy footer advances.
This is surfing’s Fairness Act. Since we can’t permanently attach vision obscuring goggles or weights and shackles to the regular footers a la Harrison Bergeron, this is our best option for leveling the playing field; for restoring balance to the winner’s podium.
This sounds fair, especially for the goofy footers who didn’t choose this contest venue at a right point break; they just have an unfair disadvantage because of the powers that be (the ASP founding fathers being overwhelmingly natural footed and discriminatory).
Si se puede! Lets put our support unequivocally behind the goofies!
Help support fairness in professional surfing. Get behind the disenfranchised and underprivileged World Tour goofy footers!
-Handicapper General
Hey Marky,
If you win the fantasy league and invite me on a boat trip…. , I’ll go to church with you, pray for Alabama football, wear a rosary bead while getting shacked at Lance’s, block for you at Pipe, vote for Bush next election…. which ever Bush is annointed our next king, caddy for you on your next round, detail your car with a toothbrush, send postcards to Stu and Blasphemy from you, I’ll wear an “I love Jordy too!” t shirt, take your kids to school, and kiss your wife!
Wow, thanks bro, God Bless everyone and good on ya Mark from Hi! Fuck, my boards are packed already…. well the truth is there is no need to unpack them around this fucking place. 50 MPH winds for two days and no windswell….. and Marks catching waves for me. I knew if I had faith God would come through. Glory Hallelujah!!!!!!
Billabong is PIMP!
I’m Dave Rastavich, male prostitute.
(as in Fred Garvin)
they say sponsored surfers are whores being prostituted by their pimps, but this is ridicules!!!! his pimp even gets between him and his bitch in the sack, well placed logo!!!!!!! Whooooooooow!!!
As part of my own opinion PostSurf » Finally, something to celebrate!: is regarded as a very well constructed message. Certainly meriting talking about and in addition perfectly worth bringing up http://postsurf.com/2009/04/15/finally-something-to-celebrate on top of that. Seriously, Jen Gockerell
Personally, my own judgment PostSurf » Finally, something to celebrate!: is truly a incredibly well composed account. Definately seriously worth talking about and after that definitely worth bringing up http://postsurf.com/2009/04/15/finally-something-to-celebrate in either case. Truly, Dominic Monteagudo