Bells Power Rankings: 34-39

Posted by lewis on April 17, 2009 at 6:25 pm.

emslie

Greg Emslie

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29

Everything you possibly need to know about Greg “Bigfoot” Emslie can be learned by watching the seminal 1987 film “Harry and Hendersons,” backwards, while simultaneously listening to side two of Led Zeppelin IV, also backwards, while trying to snort lines of vintage angel dust cut with vintage Clark Foam dust.  Mind you, the lines must be bumped in a spiral pattern, off the vinyl record, forwards, while a friend diligently spins the record backwards, at exactly 33 1/3 rpm.  When Robert Plant sings “bustle in your hedgerow” backwards during Stairway to Heaven, you will clearly hear a satanic voice state “Bigfoot will lose to Drew Courtney in R1.”  Meanwhile, onscreen, as John Lithgow says backwards “I wanted King Kong, you brought me a goddamn giant gerbil,” you will hear a gerbil say “Not Richard Gere again!!!”

macca

Phillip MacDonald

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =39

The images haunt me to this day.  Yes, there is no proof.  There isn’t even a Zapruder-esque film.  But the rumors persist – Phil MacDonald sunk into a dark depression after falling off the ASP World Tour.  Facing the reality of his own post-competitive irrelevancy, MacDonald hired a media consultant who provided only one viable alternative: Ride for MacDonald’s, and ride as Ronald MacDonald.  Darkhorse Macca has never been able to rise to prominence in the States – while Ronald MacDonald is recognized by 96% of all school children in America.  Phil spurned the suggestion, with its clown makeup and wettie. He also spurned the plan to re-brand himself as a young Dr. Phil, flummoxing opponents via jovial straight-talk therapy during heats.  He chose to stay a faceless power-monger.  The Result? Two 33rds, the latest at the hands of the more marketable power-monger Taylor Knox.

bourez

Michel Bourez

Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =29

Back to this whole nickname issue: Gabe Kling is lacking, as we established yesterday.  Michel Bourez?  He’s packing, baby: goes by the nickname of The Spartan.  That’s a solid handle, whether you happen to be a gay porn star or the most promising Tahitian pro surfer  we’ve seen in a decade. Surf pundits expected big things from The Spartan at the Quikpro, but unfortunately The Spartan did not deliver.  Or rather, he delivered an eyeful of a surfing style worthy of a new nickname: The Spastic Colon.  But at Bells, the Spartan was back, demolishing Roy Powers in R1.  Yet Bourez ran into a wee bit of a problem in R2: a surfer by the name of Parko.  Michel surfed admirably, put up twin 5.83’s, but fell too many times and wilted in the face of Parko’s 9.23 highwave.

barca

Dustin Barca

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29

As a child, I suffered debilitating night terrors.  I’d lash out at invisible demons, only to wake myself up screaming.  I’d sleepwalk out the front door, sneak into the house of my benevolent Godly neighbor Mr. Flanders, and piss in his coffee machine, without ever waking up.  The nightmares usually involved mutated scenes from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. But in my dreams, when the pagan leader tore my heart out, and showed it to me, still beating, his face would not be that of the actor in the film.  It would be the face of Dustin Barca.  That is why, to this day, nothing scares me more than this friendly, misunderstood Hawaiian with a heart of gold, who, on a completed unrelated note, is well-trained in hand to hand combat.  Tiago “Indy” Pires (who is twice the man I am) valiantly slayed Barca in R1 at Bells.

muscroft

Nic Muscroft

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29

The ASP somewhat vaguely insists that they’re moving towards a unified ratings system (heretofore a holy grail of professional surfing, much like the unified theory of everything is the holy grail of Physics, haunting Einstein till his death). Despite this, The Power Rankings, for simplicity’s sake, will focus on the official ASP Top 45.  Meaning replacement surfers like Jay Thompson are being unfairly overlooked, and wildcards like Bells finalist Adam Robertson receive only passing mention.  Like Robertson, Nic Muscroft is a previously-unknown Victorian.  Unlike Robertson, Muscroft completely squandered his best chance at making an impact on tour.  With Nic getting a 33rd at home  (Dingo made short work of the local boy, who put up only 10.17 and never held the lead) it’s hard to imagine success coming anywhere else.

dunn

Ben Dunn

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =39

Are the Power Rankings good for pro surfing?  Often, pro surfers suggest to me that they are NOT good for pro surfers, at least, for one simple reason: I point out the obvious.  Prior to my arrival, the obvious used to be left unsaid.  Comfortably sponsored surfers believed that their obvious shortcomings would somehow not be noticed by their sponsors.  And then I ruined everything by spelling the obvious out, and some surfers became concerned that once their sponsors read the obvious online, their careers would be jeopardized.  Ben Dunn is sadly a surfer who is hiding from the obvious: he’s as boring as a Pet Rock, and that was before he started the year with two 33rds.  Worse yet, his latest loss comes at the feet of fellow Rip Curl rider Kekoa Bacalso, who is obviously a more talented, more marketable, more interesting alternative to Ben Dunn.

29 Comments

  • Mark says:

    Been Done looks like a nice, polite kid and I hear his dad is a great surf coach blah blah blah… but his is not the face of the future of pro surfing. Frickin Ratboy could combo this guy, make a tee time at Pasatiempo, stock up on beer for the fishing boat with Homer and STILL have time to make it to Flea’s intervention before Been Done has even nailed a 5.8.

    P.S. Breaking news Lewis. I am better than you.

  • Julio says:

    You’re were doing good when you first started, kid.
    Sharp, acid, sarcastic, almost accurate sometimes.
    Don’t use the power ranking for personal revenge.
    Stick with the surfing.
    Sure you’re no Derek Hynd, nor Nick Carroll but it’s the best we have for now.
    Avoid read hate mail.

  • Phil Jarret and Steve Barilotti says:

    Mark rocks.

  • Mark says:

    Thanks gentlemen but don’t get any ideas about recruiting me for your filthy capitalistic magazines. I’m a soul commenter.

  • Imaikalani says:

    There’s a real sinking feeling that all of these people (these professionals) need to either go back and get their GED’s, or move on to college and learn some transferable skills for the world other than surfing and slaying worn out chicks around the globe. Seriously, pro surfing is beat. Thank goodness the act of surfing is as great as ever…

  • trauzersnake says:

    Imaikalani has my vote for comment of the week.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    There is really nothing to add or subtract from our bosses commentary on Emslie, Maca, or Muscroft. Modern physics will not allow one to subtract from what doesn’t exist. And let’s agree on this; these three have disappeared faster than a baby’s pacifier in an inflatable wading pool filled with severed human nipples.

    Barca, on the other hand, deserves a lashing. Boy gots some skills. No doubt. Boy also gots the look of which we don’t speak. That look, for lack of better words, can only be described by this story:

    One time I went way out past the rigs fishing with some buds. Late in the day I made the mistake of making a tepid salami sandwich slathered in sun-brewed mayonnaise. After 3 hours of agony holding back the rectal spew, I finally dove into the nearest toilet on the dock the second we made it back. It was one of those instances where the brain alerts the sphincter, “The pants waist has cleared your position; release the hounds”, even before ass touched toilet.

    The look on Barca’s face in his ASP pic sums up that moment in time for me better than words ever could. Thank you, Lewis Samuels and the Association of Surfing Professionals.

    Good luck Mr. Barca, on ‘holding your own’ when the tour hits Chopes.

    Wait.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Yes, I would bang the Alpaca in Benn Dunn’s picture… and I’d maybe even lower my standards enough to take a stab at the beached Menotaur in Muscroft’s pix.

    Don’t judge me for it.

  • yeah says:

    it seems like you are trying too hard in the writing, lewis.

  • Blasphemy Rottenmouth's Large Intestine says:

    Alas, I remember that day only too well. God how I wish he had only eaten the “salami covered in mayonaise”. Curse his fishing trips and his buds. The mere mention of the word fish now causes uncontrollable post-traumatic spasms and bleeding.

  • Bodhi says:

    Who cares about Rio de Janeiro surfing! It’s already over crowded anyway. There’s no need of foreigners in the lineup.

    Lewis, why there’s always some tension when you write about Barca? He sures looks like a bandit but did he menaced you somehow?
    Why don’t you make a fist-fight power rankings? That would be funny.

  • Sharpy says:

    Here’s hoping Chopes is actually big for the main event this year so Michel can remove himself from the morass at the bottom of the ladder. He’s better than this…

  • phizen says:

    Great to have the unfiltered power rankings back, better than ever.

  • Rhys says:

    You’re one of the few (only?) writers telling it like it is about pro surfing, but this edition seems heavy on the gags and light on any actual substance.

    If I wanted to laugh my ass off I’d read a sycophantic interview in one of the big surf magazines.

  • Mike says:

    That really wasn’t Jarret and Bartilloni commenting……

    Lewis will someday supplant DHynde if he continues, but he started off better than Nick Carroll.

  • Truth says:

    Rhys comment and Mike’s on N. Carroll are dead on.

  • Jamie says:

    Rudy all I see is a kook on a mediocre left about to get dropped in on by 10,000 sponges. Pretty much my worst nightmare.

  • PeterPerfect says:

    Ben Dunne’s feminine head tilt towards the higher shoulder might have been a laugh for the photographer when taking this photo, but it reminds one of the position Mr Samuels takes when discussing Mr Barca. He’s a little girl, afraid of the raw masculinity of Mr Barca, but also a little turned on. This is why he couldn’t concentrate enough to come up with something better than Phil MacDonald = Ronald MacDonald.

  • Meatwad says:

    RE:Rhys says: this edition seems heavy on the gags and light on any actual substance.

    Check archived Power Rankings dude people who drop dirty turds get clowned thats it, the substance you crave is yet to come. keep up the good work Lewis

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    PeterPerfect’s mom is so fat, her backfat has its own economic system, which is actually outperforming the United States and Malawi as we speak.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    PeterPerfect’s mom is so fat her OB/GYN uses a kayak.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    PeterPerfect’s mom uses her own right calve as a tampon.

    Correction, Peter Perfect’s mom’s OB/GYN uses a forklift and three mops.

    … sorry, lost my train of thought while waiting for the next post.

    Whatup Lewis? We needs fresh meat. And by ‘fresh meat,’ we don’t mean PeterPerfect’s mom.

  • PeterPerfect says:

    Clearly you are not the real Blasphemy Rottmouth, he can spell and is slightly amusing.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    PeterPerfect’s mom’s so fat her favorite perfume is Thousand Island.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    PeterPerfect’s mom’s so fat she tried to donate plasma but all they could extract was sausage gravy.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    PeterPerfect’s mom’s so fat she uses Michael J. Fox as a vibrator…

    …I went too far, didn’t I?

    I almost said crack babies…

  • Mac says:

    “Prior to my arrival, the obvious used to be left unsaid.” deep in my heart, i always knew you were jesus christ.

  • jb says:

    Wow .. still frothing at the mouth when it comes to BARCA who is #19 now after BRAZIL not 37. DeSouza actually tried to hire two 250 lb thugs to derail Barca in Brazil, only one of the guys later came by Barca’s compound and apologized admittedly that he was hired , paid, by DeSouza to bully Dustin. Too much drama. But Barca is my on my team, he’s a good guy!

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