Michael Campbell
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =29
From a historical perspective, when an Aussie thinks of backside surfing at Bells, they think of Mark Occhilupo and little else. But throughout the late 80s and early 90s, Damien Hardman ruled the Bells bowl with a methodical precision. With the help of high-volume, low rocker period equipment, Dooma cleared pesky flat spots at will and moved from rail-turn to rail-turn without the usual twitchy pumps that afflicted other 80s competitors. Pitted against the futuristic looseness of Josh Kerr in R1, Mick Campbell belted set waves with the focused, tedious precision of a rejuvenated Damien Hardman. The judges bought in, and even in a losing effort against CJ Hobgood in R2, Mick looked worthy, kicking his back foot through snaps with the fiery, ornery resolve one demands from gingers and leprechauns.
Tim Reyes
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =29
Two people who appreciate the enigma of Luke Stedman more than I do: Jay Thompson and Tim Reyes. Thanks to Luke’s absence, Thompson has gotten two starts and two 17ths this year. Tim Reyes, on the other hand, got bumped up to a Top 16 seed, meaning he didn’t have to surf in the oh-so-popular sudden-death chaos of R1. Good thing for Timmy, too – judging by his shitty luck this season, he’ll need all the help he can get. Against Kieren Perrow in R2, Reyes saw the door slammed in his face when Perrow wailed into a 9.23 late in the heat. Not a surprising result, really – everyone from Kelly Slater to Evan Slater have noted that Perrow is one of the most intelligent competitors on tour. In comparison, Tim Reyes is often characterized as a super-optimistic, talented charger who has learned all the tricks – meaning he’s about as savvy as your average Golden Retriever.
Chris Ward
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =29
Speaking of Golden Retrievers – do you ever wish that animals could talk? Wouldn’t it be fascinating to see what goes through the mind of, say, Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua? Same goes for Chris Ward – if only he was articulate enough to link words into full sentences, the world would be awed by the Fear and Loathing stories Wardo could tell us. It would be surfing’s equivalent of Keith Richards learning how to use the English language, as opposed to the incomprehensible language of gargles, grunts, mumbles and power chords that Richards presently uses to communicate. Free from hey-bro aphasia, Wardo could explain why the hell he surfs so sharp in some events and then pushes water through top turns in the next event, as he did at Bells. Wardo spent the majority of his bout with T.Knox in comboland – and that was before Taylor put up his best scores.
Josh Kerr
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29
If the ASP were the NBA, Josh Kerr would have been drafted straight out of high school. He would have rode the pine for much of his rookie season, but made Sportscenter’s Top 10 Plays of the Day on numerous occasions, when the coach put him in during the fourth quarter of blowouts. During his sophomore season, Kerr would have been arrested for taking a handgun on the plane with him “by mistake.” He would have impregnated both his high school sweetheart and an “adult model” with the stage name of Boobonce. Both children would have been named Jazzmyn. Luckily for us, the ASP is not the NBA. Josh Kerr is simply a friendly Aussie family man who gets 33rds despite sticking blowtail reverses…while making every highlight reel.
Heitor Alves
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29
As I mentioned a lifetime ago in the last installment of the Power Rankings, I am now 100% a fan of all the Brazilians on tour. It’s a contradictory ideological position, like being one of those “Jews for Jesus.” So like a good fan, I was deeply saddened by the less than stellar results suffered by the Brazo Force. Against Jay Thompson in R1, Heitor Alves was left playing catch up after Thompson opened up with an 8.83. Despite being a razor-sharp humble ripper, Heitor never found more than a 4 and his heat total was a woeful 6.60. Less than impressive stuff - the judges have been known to give Parko 6.60 wave scores for bellyboarding off the jetski. Chin up, Heitor.
Roy Powers
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29
Anyone can win heats. It’s losing heats that distinguishes the real pros from the pretenders. Take Roy Powers for instance: the poor guy got absolutely shellacked by Michel Bourez in R1 – Roy only put up a 2.33 and 3.93 on his two scoring waves. The judges have been known to give Kelly Slater’s fecal matter scores like that for the turns it does while being flushed. So how the fuck do you bounce back from a shocker like that? How do you prevent yourself from spiraling into depression, especially considering the circumstances? Like all the other 33rd finishers, Roy got only one chance, in shitty waves… only to watch the waves crank for the remainder of the contest. If Powers can lose like that, yet completely forget about it and move on – that’s a pro move, right there.
Somehow…Someway; the trainwreck of Lewis Samuel’s Power Ranking’s are getting better and better. Here are my incredibly intrepid thoughts on your spot-on picks:
Ginga Ninja: Please don’t beat my ass up. Also, your off-the-lip hacks are otherworldly. Assassinate those soft shoulders, elude the younger crowd, and provide the ladies in the clubs post-surf with your explicit espionage skills. Thank Huey’s hairy fourth testicle that there are only 3,219 other surfers that can pull those monotonous maneuvers with such precision and skill.
Tim Reyes: You surf like you’re wearing bloated hams on your ankles. You should surf like your hairline depended on each point. And by ‘point,’ I mean anything besides a committed cutback.
Chris Ward: “We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like ‘I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive….’ And suddenly there was a terrible smell all around us and the air was full of terrible man perfume and I was temporarily blinded by the sun glare reflecting off of huge gaudy metallic man-necklaces and a voice was screaming ‘Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn surfers?”
Then, I beheld, as it were, “a fourteen pound midget fucking a polar bear!!”
Made ya look!
Josh Kerr: Amen, Lewis mütherfücking Samuels.
Heitor Alves: Fuck you WD40!
Roy Powers: In all honesty, I’m someone who writes for a living. Tapping out a few absurd and semi-intellectual sentences in a minute is similar to any normal heterosexual male tapping one out on the meat whistle in less than ten seconds with a nude Scarlett Johansen spread before him. To put it in laymen’s terms: Easy. Like surfing itself, it’s really not rocket science. Now… Roy Powers, SURF LIKE A MAN!!!!
Funny that more than half of the pros in the APS profiles are 150lbs, not 154, 158, but 150. Except Heitor who tanks in at 146lbs. That was a shocker because I thought the facial grimace would have brought him up to at least 170lbs. With the camera angles shot from the waist looking up, these guys look like forces to be reckoned with. I knew they were small but…. Ok, they are like a bunch of midgets with six packs. There I said it!
If the big wave thing can add 10 years to your career these guys have a shot as jockeys.
As a journalist (Lewis calls himself one so therefore I too am a journo) I feel compelled to correct my previous post. Winner of the ASP Extreme Midget contest is actually Adriano De Souza thundering in at 5′6″ 137 lbs wet. This guy has potential for a long career. When he wraps up the tour he can do the big wave thing for 5 to 10. Then he can be a horse jockey for another 5, and finally he can pull another 5 in midget throwing over in the UK.
all very good, Lewis.
Soooo, it looks like everyone’s fled to surfline, thedirty, icanhascheeseburger, and the rest of the dregs of internet whoredom.
So be it.
The next round please, Mr. Samuels.
4 comments? Is Bigamy Rotgut the only one reading these posts? I suggest stepping it up to 10 at a time Lewis and then moving on to bigger and better things. Even Stu has nothing to say.
P.S. I thought you would be rocking after that plug you got from the announcers at Bells. I for one am a major fan. Maybe all of that trash from Billy Rottenbreath is turning the world off to your talents. I would deep six that dude quick and maybe have Warshaw over for a pale ale (or wine or whatever you people in San Francisco drink) and ask him for advice.
Are you begging you my love Marcus?
By the way I saw that free surfing footage of Tim Reyes at Bells and he was going OFF. Plus he spends a lot of time in that regular foot utopia one and a half hours south of the Bay so he probably golfs and fishes good as well.
This is obviously that time of night when B.Rot is HAMMERED like John Steinbeck during his Travels With Charley period.
P.S. Either B. Rot sits at his computer all day waiting to comment on here or he is really Lewis Samuels. Either way it is kind of creepy.
Mark. I am not Luis, thank Beelzebub. But, I am hammered. My recommendation: dude, always start off with just one tab; you never know how strong that shit is.
Oh, and ‘Are You Begging You My Love?’ was the best song ever composed by the much heralded cover band Six Pence None the Bitcher. You should check them out. St. Peter changed his title from ‘St.’ to ‘Throbbing’ after feeling their swift guitar licks tickling his undergarments.
Mark, the first option about Assphlegmy Snotgout is correct.
But I disagree with you about the 10 at a time. Slower installments helps my productivity with family and work.
When the rankings came all at once I would read them so. This would also allow for L.S. to post more subsequent posts, which I would also then read.
Side note. I was thinking today that it was quite entertaining in its own way to have the rankings on Surfline, because of all the comments from Surfline’s readers. Some literally said that they weren’t smart enough to understand Lewis’ humor and references. Or, some would be furious about the ranking order. Good times.
Third Reader,
So… you’re saying it sucks that four of us get Lewis Samuels’ humor. Oh wait, I reread the fist line of your comment.
“Start off with one tab”!!!!!
” I’m not feeling anything yet? Better take a second” ooooopssss…….
Green Pyramid, Led Zepplin, Forum, 1976