Kelly Slater
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =24
Lately, I feel old. Hedonistic, selfish pursuits don’t consistently bring me the same joy that they used to. When I get wasted, I have fun, but I’m haunted by the fact that in my 20s I got more wasted, and had more fun. When I surf, I’m haunted by the fact that after decades of single-minded obsession, only mind-blowingly perfect waves are capable of igniting the same sublime, deranged joy that even average days used to provide me with. Most of my friends have moved on – lost to family, jobs, responsibility, expectations. I watch them now, as they mimic the deranged smiles on their childrens’ faces, and I wonder if they possess a level of contentment that my selfish, surf-centric existence has robbed me of. But hey, that’s just me. Compared to say, Kelly Slater, surfing has played a relatively small role in my life. And I still wonder if it’s closing time; if perhaps the hour has arrived for me to focus on something other than surfing and selfishness.
Chris Davidson
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 9 ASP Rating: =24
Often enough, ASP heats are held in sub-standard conditions. Scorelines reflect this, with one surfer getting two average waves, while the other gets one average score but not a second. In situations like that, the contest rolls on. But when both surfers only manage one average score in 30 minutes (as in the R1 heat between Chris Davidson and Adam Robertson, won 9.56 to 9.00 TOTAL) it’s a sign the contest should be put on hold. By moving on to the final, Adam Robertson vindicated his close R1 heat win. But from Davo’s perspective, their dismal scoreline is a clear indication that the new format is far from fair when the conditions aren’t cooking. Surfers should get an opportunity to surf more than one average wave in an entire fucking contest.
Dayyan Neve
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =24
Speaking of the great format controversy: check out Jed Smith’s Stab article for some arguably justified whining from Dayyan Neve. In the interview, Dayyan mentions that his traveling partner Kai Otton loves the new format, as it seeds him into R2. Meanwhile Dayyan hates it, along with the notion of a single-tier rating system. “If you change it now to a single-tier tour, there is gonna be massive hell to pay. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was legal action,” Neve told Stab. What a tough guy! Oh, the irony: Kai drew Dayyan in the next heat. The final exchange was as tight as a professional mermaid’s box – Dayyan needed a 6.18, and the judges gave him a 6. I wonder if vocal criticism of the ASP earns a deduction of half a point?
Tim Boal
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =24
At the moment, my main beef with Tim Boal is the following: His stylish surfing and consistent determination make it difficult for me to make jokes about the French (most of which hinge on an innovative technique I call “juvenile, prejudiced stereotyping”). Against fellow Frenchman Miky Picon in R1, Boal showed that patented European desperation that used to be exclusively the secret weapon of Brazilians – effort born from a simple understanding that each World Tour heat represents the best chance they’ve ever had to break through the bullet-proof glass ceiling of Western surf xenophobia. If Nathaniel Curran had surfed at Bells as well as Boal surfed, we’d be reading feature articles about his performance right now. Instead, Boal was arguably underscored against Californian Bobby Martinez in R2. The Frenchman surfed above himself, but was predictably rewarded with two sixes and a loss.
David Weare
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =24
Watching Davey Weare surf makes me nervous. It’s an experience akin to watching a predictable suspense film, in which a happy family uses an axe to cut firewood. Rest assured that someone will be hacked to pieces with that same axe by the end of the film. That’s how I feel about Weare’s sick layback snaps and his kneebrace. (Anton Chekov noted back in the late 1880’s that “If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. Otherwise don’t put it there.”) Granted, one of the most compelling things about professional sport is that it’s not scripted – the kneebrace/snap combo could foreshadow nothing, in a reality-based fashion that Chekov found unacceptable in a narrative. Speaking of reality: Weare won his R1 heat against Curran convincingly, only to lose a close, wave-starved affair against Fred P.
Tiago Pires
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =24
Watching Tiago Pires surf against Mick Fanning in R2, a cynical viewer might have gotten the impression that the judges decided the outcome of this heat before it began. Match-ups like this are like a coloring book: the outline and shape of the result is there on the page for everyone to see, including the judges. All the surfers have to do is catch a couple set waves that hint at inherent respective talents – hand the judges the right color crayons. They’ll fill in the expected picture from there. So for Tiago to win heats against world champs, he was to do more than make it close. He has to decimate Fanning. Tiago caught the bigger waves, committed to his gouges, and scored perhaps the hollowest barrel of the event. And like fellow Euro Tim Boal, he lost anyway.
My fingers are having a bad case of diarrhea tonight. So it goes.
Kelly Slater: Just make things interesting. I could care less if you win another world title. But, whether you’re riding crazy boards, showing up to a heat with three minutes left, or cornholing sheepdogs in the competitor’s tents… keep it interesting Robert. Without you, the rest of the tour would turn into the ‘94-‘95 Houston Rocket’s.
Chris Davidson: I’m pretty sure that Chris Davidson actually owns a Harley. The one with all the saddlebags, behemoth sized windshield, and deluxe ‘Rich Corinthian Leather’ tassels flapping in the wind from the handles as he lives free and rides mediocre waves hard.
Dayyan Neve: You should be a porn star. I’m not really sure why. But that’s the first thing that cums to mind when I hear the name ‘Dayyan Neve.’
Tim Boal: I’ve seen you surf before. You have some pretty good moves for a Frenchman. Unfortunately, you only accomplished 227 off-the-lips in your heat, versus Bobby’s astounding 228 off-the-lips. Bells Beach: Where Embarrassing Happens.
David Weare: Meh. You had a moment or one-and-a-half, so; I lift a glass of Jamison to your efforts.
Tiago Pires: You had to go and do it, didn’t you… surf against ‘White Lightning?’ Kinda like Mr. Brown, you should have avoided getting behind the wheel.
My wife made a massive steak and potato dinner tonight. I inhaled that sucker and washed it down with about 8 heinekens and 5 bourbon and cokes. After relaxing for 20 minutes I lumbered toward the bathroom and cranked out the gnarliest, smelliest Blashemy Rottmouth EVER.
Hello Lewis et al. Just a few comments… As I said on the mic at Bells, I’m very happy that you have decided to bring the PRs back on PostSurf. Thanks.
As usual, they are highly entertaining, although lacking a little insight into some of the guys performances.
The number one crutch you should get rid of is bagging on the judges for certain surfers losses. Believe me or not (I spend a lot of time traveling with them and discussing criteria, scores and results), they are not biased! Some prefer power surfing, and some prefer modernity and progression, but 99.9% of the time, they get the right result! They do not have the time to waste reading through mags like Stab, and keeping track of what the surfers say about the system.
Also, please remind everyone that the ASP is made up of the Surfers and the Organizers, and while people like Brodie Carr, Al Hunt, Renato Hickle and Perry Hatchett may suggest modifications, it’s the surfers and organizer reps on the board that make the calls, and vote on any decisions made (like new formats, judging criteria and ranking systems). All the surfers, like Dayyan, have a right to an opinion, but just remember he was in the minority when the format decision was made.
Lastly, nice to see you giving a little love to the Brazilians and Europeans! If you’d like to help Tim Boal out, please remind everyone that he’s born in St. Martin (closer to the US than Europe), of Irish and French parentage, speaks fluent English, and is as far from having a typical “French” mentality… An upstanding young man and talented surfer, well worthy of your praise and respect!!!
It is amusing that people keep comparing Blasphemy Rottmouth to something that goes down a toilet. But I’m actually beginning to think that he’s someone who goes down in a toilet cubicle.
But the one with oral malodor who uses the lord’s name in vain is correct and the tour without Slater would be just a touring dog and pony show of sponsors’ whores. Plus Dane. Both he and Kelly are wonderfully flaky.
But here is the dilemma for Mr Parkinson, the man who would be king. He’s almost embarrassingly inarticulate and his Uncle Darryl was a better surfer. Discuss.
@ the postman | thanks for defending everyone (but the Euros) and for putting weight behind the hard earned ASP legitimacy (errr… no I meant the dream tour surfers’), but despite lovin to watch the live covergage, I couldn’t agree more with perfect peter about “sponsors’ whores”… especially true for some.
More generally, I think that Mr S. Lewis should be left free to write, babble about, offering actually fun and changing perspectives without havin the surfing SS come down on him… we well know who’s behind ASP europe ;)
thx to postsurf & power rankings!
Mailman… what’s wrong with the “french mentality”? You don’t seem to complain much about it in your “home away from home” in the Sud-Ouest, do you?. I wonder if you’d use the exact same words on a french forum/blog?!?
Re. the ASP i still remember a conversation with the organizer of an ASP Europe contest somewhere in Europe (not France) and how shocked he was that the whole ASP Europe staff there only cared about the french competitors and their results, but not the other european competitors. Even whose photo made it to the event’s website and who to mention on the press release was totally biaised. His (the organizer’s) words, not mine. Care to comment on that?
3rd and last: why did Perry Hatchet explain at length how he and the other judges got together at the end of the day Slater was kicked out and reviewed the whole heat on video, to make sure the result was fair. It sounded weird… They did that for Slater’s heat but not for the others?!? There were plenty of other close calls. Mmmmmmmmmmm… :-(
Only two events in the bag and the tour already feels tired. Parko may finally win the title…but when he closes his eyes at night, he knows the title doesn’t have the same significance because Slater is on holiday riding funboards and sight seeing with his girlfriend. It is obvious that Slater is not committed. The last title that meant anything (outside of a certain 9) was Andy’s..when he beat the King at his own game.
The Asp should allow the less talented surfers more time to catch waves to make things more fair and equal. It isn’t right that the fortunate surfers with exceptional talent who have worked much harder to achieve success always get to win. There should be greater fairness in pro surfing. And the ASP should not allow Lewis Samuels to speak about pro surfing in a negative way. Oh yeah and there should be no term limits for members of the ASP board.
I don’t know if you guys caught this, but Blasphemy Rottenmouth, of which I am but a lowly (and frequently abused) large intestine, is both a SEMI-INTELLECTUAL and a PROFESSIONAL WRITER. Get this, BR has read the works of both Hunter Thompson and Kurt Vonnegut. That’s right bitches. And through prolific reading and parroting of these authors, BR landed himself a monthly column in a community magazine where he regularly offers his unique insight (taken from Thompson and Vonnegut) on the local party scene and upcoming bands.
Now BR has two columns. The high-profile column in the local rag AND his completely necessary addendum to Lewis Samuels’ incomplete Power Rankings. He was asked to assume this column after WINNING THE COVETED COMMENT OF THE WEEK AWARD, which he humbly accepted. What more do you people need?
If I seem like an angry large intestine, I am. Angry, agitated, irritated, misused, inflamed and bleeding. Are you people unfamiliar with the words “impacted stool”?
Rather than end with an original thought like a quote from the beginning of Fear and Loathing, I will defer to Mr. Vonnegut:
People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they’ll have good voice boxes in case there’s ever anything really meaningful to say.
Lewis finding perfect uncrowded waves is damn near impossible but if you have kids and a family you can forget about it or at least forget about surfing them with the skill enough to charge those barrels. Fuck that nuclear family life bullshit.
Hey KingFisher. The tour already feels tired? I don’t get it. Parko is proving he is not only the stylemaster of a generation but also, with Luke Egans help, a tremendous competitor. His best mate Fanning is in second place and Jordy Smith is beginning to live up to the hype. Not to mention Kekoa Bacalso is proving that L and L plate lunches and nightly sixers can indeed lead to a top ten rating PLUS C.J. and Freddy P. are carrying the goofy torch.
Now we just need Slater to win Tahiti in biblical 10 footers with C.J. and Fred at least making the quarters and we have a race on our hands.
P.S. What if Dane could somehow defy stereotypes and make the semis in Tahiti and reach the top ten by September and then win Trestles with 2 perfect scores in the final during an epic 6 foot south swell?
Even better if Damo gets second to Slater in Tahiti and joins the party with his brother. Imagine the bonus Gally would get if the Goods BOTH finished in the top five. The explosion in hackeysack sales alone would help the U.S. out of this recession.
hey lewis. set this thing up so we can post pictures
Give up the surf-centric life when they pry it from your cold, dead hand, Lewis. If you want meaning, do community work in your spare time. If you have to get married, make sure she surfs a lot. Otherwise she will never understand.
laughing my ass off at Mailman thinking that ASP judges are too busy to read Stab etc. Is there an easier, and less meaningful job than ASP judge? Fuck, I have a real job and a bunch of fucking kids to support and I find time to read all this on-line bullshit. I can only imagine how much time those clowns have on their hands.
btw, you’re spot on re the Tiago/Mick heat.
Wow, Lewis opened my soul and laid bare my every waking moment’s fear….. and I’m a generation older with a “surf clock” ticking louder every breath. The Kelly analysis is as profound as anything I have ever read.
Mark eptiomizes the naivete of fresh eyes…. and the gilded vision of experience and age. Please continue enjoying this product and I wish I shared your perspective. Several faces add some drama to these events, but no one has replaced Kelly as he replaced Curren and Occy, as they replaced the Free Ride crew. Mr Reynolds will disappear soon into video land and Jordy will have the playground to himself. This tour should be begging Mr Irons to return.
Regarding judges….. Parkos 9.6 something shocked me. Well surfed, but hardly 2 points superior than any other scores and comboed the only good story of the contest…. a story the ASP desperately needs.
As an aside, Dane Boy was spotted this weekend goofing around on a fish and my first thought seeing him was ” why the fuck would he come home?” A world of opportunities lies open in the southern hemisphere and free time and corporate dollars spell “SCORE”. Instead, the savant surfs the dredge?
Great writing Mr Samuels, Derek Hynde was brilliant, but never reached your Kelly eclipse. Wow.
Spot on Ballz….
The other side of the fence is not green, Lewis. Just look into the hollow eyes of your “bro’s” when you get home from a tube fest. Immasculated and beasts of burden, your friends hang onto your every word and when it comes time for them to speak, they have nothing to say…. empty tanks.
If Lewis would ever write what he really knows about AI, Mike, it’d be clear that he’s NEVER coming back to the tour. Kelly will ride off into the sunset and make way for Jordy, Dane (if he so chooses), Owen and Julian and eventually you’ll be discussing their grip on things like it was never any other way. Don’t fear change.
I wonder if Kelly would come on here and actually say something that would help the surfers in the lower tiers of the Power Rankings do better. even Simon Cowell gives constructive criticism when a singer takes a shit on stage. I think Lewis has been concentrating too hard on making us think he is a wonderful writer, and spending less time dissecting the actual surfing of the Top 45, not that I really give a shit.
And yes, any Australian man could “Aramburu” me after enough beer.
I am glad the Power Rankings are back, and my advice to the author is, don’t get a job at Transworld, Surfer, Stab, or anywhere else, stay on your own and don’t let corpo scum like myself suck your corpse bloodless and leave you nude and raped, unless you’re into that sort of thing.
Stu!
Get back on Transworldsurf.com right now, stop cheating on us.
Have to agree with Stu about Mailman saying the judges don’t have enough spare time to read Stab. Come on Mailman! I work my arse off 50 plus hours and I spend time with the fam and I surf all the time and still hang onto every single word of every single surfing website I can find. I guess some would call me a loser or a freak but I simply love pro surfing.
Hey Mike just because no chick will even say hello to you doesn’t mean you should totally dismiss the concept of marriage and family. When I was single I did surf and travel more but now I have kids and a wife who is fairly understanding about my surf habit. My life is balanced now and if you could look into my eyes ( creepy thought ) you would see that they are not hollow.
P.S. Hey Mailman the rest of your comment was fine and it was sweet how you spoke such kind words about Tim Boal. Have you two shared a glass of red while watching the sun go down on the Basque coast? Snuggled in a warm blanket on a chilly morning while checking Mundaka?
Taking editorial advice from Mr Cote is about as relevant as watching bad TV. Glad he doesn’t give a shit, he just comments on it because no one posts on TWS.
I am praying for change, Stu… Mr Obama and the North Pacific are letting me down.
The AI story will never be told, nor will the Volcom public offering or the Surfrider failure to even address “surf city’s” (?) ongoing pollution crime. The biggest stories of our lifetimes suffocated. Manipulated information to protect financial interests, sounds familiar GOP?
Mark, sometimes prose is written in generalities.
I “negotiated” my second marraige and it’s working great, but only because I set terms my fellow friends failed to address. “Fairly Understanding” is a euphmism for acquiesence, but we’ll discuss this in detail once you win the fantasy thing and we’re sharing cold Bintangs from the channel at HT’s after a long days surf.
Thanks for the invite by the way, now get back to studying those heat tapes.
Props to Chris Cote for coming on here straight up and taking the abuse. For the record, did Transworld offer Lewis a position?
Now to the substance. When someone makes a critical comment and follows it with the caveat, “not that I give a shit” it should be read as “I give a shit”. Which means Mr. Cote wants more analysis couched in simple writing.
With all due respect Mr. Cote, we already have that and most of it sucks. I would put to you that surf writers/mags should spend more time trying to make us think they are good writers. I enjoy reading pros’ articles from surf trips and the like, but often am left with the distinct sentiment that the writers are self-indulgent retards who happen to rip. It is nice to balance those articles with pieces that requires you to think before reaching analysis, or that actually makes you think beyond the analysis.
I would also suggest that you spend less time watching Simon Cowell. This is not American Idol, Mr. Samuels is not Ian Cairns, and there is no need for him to offer constructive criticism to anyone on the ASP. Let him bash and praise honestly at will! I love it.
Woops. Pieces that require you to think and make you think. I guess I’m the retard.
And Blasphemy Rottenmouth, the 94-95 Houston Rockets were legit. You must be from Chicago.
Chris, your site is so slow that I’ve almost had to give it up. While I admit it’s fun to poke at the various corporate video promos you keep running (let’s be honest, most people don’t even know who brett simpson is, let alone give a shit how he trains, as evidenced by the whopping 200 views to that story), I can’t just keep talking to myself over there. If I wanted circular conversations with nobody in particular, I’d call my 3 year-old.
Happily Mr. Mike! I can’t wait until we are sitting on the boat together after an epic day of surfing swilling coldies and slapping high fives!
After dinner we can compare notes about the things Obama promised during his campaign and what he actually did once he became more drunk with power than Blasphemy Rottmouth after his 7th comment and 12th martini of the evening.
P.S. You are growing on me Mikey boy.
Ballz,
I’m not even from the US, let alone that shithole in Illinois. Yes, most of the surfers on the tour are legit like the Rockets were. They’re paid professionals. And if Slater had decided not to do the tour last year, and we crowned Bede as champ instead, no one would take that away from him. But, I imagine there would be more than a few grumbles about him not having to face Kelly in any of the finals. Would the Rocket’s have beaten the Bulls if they had faced them with Jordan? We’ll never know. But it would have been far more entertaining to see them try.
Just like the much anticipated Kobe - LeBron war in the finals this year.
(Fingers crossed).
And Mike you HAVE to admit that manipulated information is FAR from being copyrighted by the G.O.P.
Just turn on any major media outlet and see how many negative things are said about Barrack.
P.S. Ever wonder why the Today show has had more positive stories on wind energy than any other morning American show? Maybe because N.B.C. is owned by General electric and G.E. will be the one to benefit the most FINANCIALLY by major government subsidies for wind energy? Just a thought.
Obama is failing because he’s entered the box that was previously occupied by Bush. We voted in change, not incremental. Give him time to find his way out of the paper bag that suffocates his post election “vision”.
As for our previous Post wars….. most “liberals” just want “Christians” to act Christian. Instead, that religion has been used by Republican corporatists and has been hijacked by Santa and the Easter bunny. The inherent hypocrisy drives thinking men crazy. Kudo’s though to all that walk the walk, PostMark.
As for TWS, the mag and the website give me a migrane. I know that there must be some content in there somewhere, but the over edited, Attention Deficit Art direction is getting in it’s own way….. maybe intentionally.
Think about it Stu, “Simpo” is about as exciting as the Homogenous Brothers (Gadouskas). Talented, but sterile as all fuck.
Fair enough Blasphemy. Olajuan-Jordan would have been great. Also hoping for Kobe-LeBron. Not from the US, huh? I’m going to guess the UK or Ireland then.
And why hasn’t Obama EVEN ONCE mentioned the U.A.W.’s role in the fall of the American auto companies? Because the unions helped him get elected? Would you agree that is at least possible Mr. Mike?
Mike,
Son??? Is that you?
Here’s the deal, if we choose alternative energy and gave up that garbage that enables the middle east, we could wage a “war” without any army….. reduce that region to a desert.
Those of us who lived in the 70’s went through the same crisis, even worse and the alternatives are there.
The reality is, if America is to rebound, alternative energy could be our manufacturing saviour. Once the decision to bite that bullet is made, every Big Oil company would scramble to retrofit their entire organization to enter the new reality. But NONE will do so until that resource is exhausted, their is no altruism on their horizon.
Same as the Banks/Wall street. Legal banking is good business, trouble is, the current “financial industry” feels entitled to historic theft. Let them fail, legitimate substainable business will gladly replace Goldman Sachs, etc.
Prosecute these criminals…. moving on is not about looking forward, it’s about allowing the past to eventually repeat itself.
GE is also the global leader in Weapons of Mass Destruction…. you know, the reason we are all so scared.
Fuck I need to surf.
PS…. Blasphemy can’t be from Britian, he doesn’t read with an english accent.
I agree about the importance of developing alternative energy but you did not answer my question about manipulated information.
Bingo. Mark catches an 8 footer at the buzzer and scores a 9.6 to send mike packing back home to Tarzana and the cold embrace of his second wife who was seeing Stu on the side while Mike was gone.
I have often wondered if Mark can be real. It must be a performance, or an extended ad for some upcoming Seth Rogen movie, right? No one can be that self-absorbed, delusional, and otherwise worthless, can they? Someone who, in any other country besides the USA, would have starved to death long ago?
But then I realized: I want Mark to be real. I want these to be his genuine thoughts. “But why, Blasphemy?” you ask. I’ll tell you why: Because he sets the bar so damn low for the rest of us. Like most people – people with a soul, that is – I sometimes wonder if my existence really matters. Am I contributing, in a positive way, to something larger than myself? For most of us, this means taking care of friends and family, maybe doing good works in the community or having a job that’s both fulfilling and gives something back. But yet many of us still wonder – again, those of us with souls: Am I, on the whole, a good person more often than I am a bad person. Does it really make a difference?
But assume Mark is real, and he is every bit the weeping sore on the ass of humanity that his comments would suggest. I can take comfort in the fact that I will never sink to the depths of human worthlessness that he has. I can go out tomorrow and anally rape a baby seal, and I will still, on average, be contributing far above what he and his ilk do. It’s a useful exercise in perspective.
If we get good Lance’s, I’ll live with the infidelities. As you may know, Tarzana has heaps of chicks, but no smoking deep tubes.
Regan eliminated the Anti trust laws, the result is that 4 men now own all traditional media information. All 4 men are beholded to a foreign bank. Yes, information is manipulated and despite our ideological issues, we all have that same common enemy….. who control both the GOP and now, apparently Obama.
Oh, and I live inside a makeshift marsupial tent on the planet Krypton… I’m easy to spot. I’m the one wearing the 95 gallon cowboy hat and spurs made from rusty Cadillac Escalade rims and nothing else. I speak in Braille and my blood type is Pepsi. I have a tattoo of my own penis inside my own urethra. Does this make me gay?
Wait. Don’t answer that.
Walk off homer, BR…..
I am really enjoying this new round of power rankings, but I find myself missing one thing about the old forma. Over the last year or so, I have been able to read about the guys who’s heats I never bothered to watch due to their resounding mediocrity and still be able to get a feel for who they are as athletes — even if the surfing in question was incredibly boring. In doing so, I felt like I understood the tour and the surfers on it a bit better. With the new rankings, i have gotten insight that literally no-one else in the surf media is saying — ie:Lewis’ eloquent paragraph about Mr. Sl9ter. However, I have also slogged through a lot of words that didn’t really say much of anything — ie: Chris Davidson Dayyan Neve and David Weare. It could be that they are so mind numblingly cookie cutter as to be interchangeable and therefore unworthy of more in depth info, but it could also be that style is intruding over substance. I’m a big fan of literary quotations (i even reads me a few books here and there) but 300 words and a chekov reference don’t tell me anything about Davey Weare that I couldn’t have scribbled on a cocktail napkin while watching the heat on my laptop in a local bar.
So, the highs are higher than they ever were in the Surfline days, but the lows are a waste of good words. I guess I’d like to see the writing get a bit tighter. Or perhaps I’d like the good people at the ASP shave off some of the tour’s excess baggage — Aussie hobbits, frenchmen, and some of the brazileiros all included.
B. Rot has a soul? One would never know from the worthless, vile and selfish spew that projects from his extremely large and loud mouth. Dude do you have anything even beginning to remotely resemble a life? Do you have friends? A family? Bro do you even have a dog?
I admit I have been hypocritical in my comments on this site regarding myself being a christian and then proceeding to act differently. I am guilty and not proud of it at all. I also admit that, for some unexplainable reason, I am a little addicted to commenting on here and that I can be mean at times. But you strike me as the kind of person who has never admitted guilt or taken personal responsibility for anything he has done wrong. Ever.
I have spent the last hour or so looking deep within myself and I have come to the conclusion that the best thing for everyone involved here is for me to quit commenting on Post Surf. It was fun while it lasted and I wish Lewis all the best in future Posts as well as other endeavors. I will miss Artie, Stu and the rest of the gang and, in a strange way, I will even miss Blasphemy Rottmouth.
Aloha, in this particular case, means goodbye.
P.S. Mike I will still honor my commitment to take you to Indo when I win Fantasy Surfer. Of course the season won’t be over until next December so the boat trip would not be until the summer of 2010. God only knows what our world will look like by then.
Good riddance!
Mark,
If Brett Favre can retire, so can you…
But, I surmise that when you no longer heard the rustlings of Death’s long black robes against your bed chamber door, you’ll carefully resume your picking of groin sores and dropping their rust-red payloads of pus-glazed discs onto the salty Ritz cracker that is bound for your mouth.
And if you have no idea what I just said, do not despair; for my third testicle doesn’t either. He’s a dense little bugger, but I love him just the same. Without him, my ejaculations would limply dribble out like yogurt from a toothless lamprey.
Now, let’s all hold hand and flatulate the tune to “Cumbaya” together.
again. what’s funny is that a true Christian would probably temper himself and find a way to discuss surfing on this site without dipping into angry debates about things we really have very little say over at this point. Anger (wrath), after all, is one of those pesky 7 deadly sins, no? As of course, would be pride (my point is better than yours…you’re a dumb liberal and I’m not etc.) which is the worst of them all, and sloth (how much time DO you waste here, Mark?). But I’m no bible guy, so what do I know.
oh, and anyone who needs to do serious soul-searching because of a blog is both weak and somewhat psycho.
“as tight as a professional mermaid’s box…”
I almost choked on my whaleburger.
I feel another post of the week coming on for Blasph. We all owe you a debt of gratitude for putting Mark and his overzealous conservative dribble in check.
P.S. Mark, I hear Fox News has a fantastic comment board. If you act fast they’ll even throw in Karl Rove’s jockstrap and a free tea-bagging from Bill O’reilly just for signing up. Woo hoo!
The Wizard’s gonna win Tahiti. And J-bay.
Is Parko now going by “The Wizzard”? Slater will win perhaps 1 comp this year and Jordy will win J-Bay.
I’m back, what did I miss? Oh, more smart people talking politics on a surf website. rad.
Mark. Don’t leave!
Yes. L.S. and the rankings are great. But, yes, more content on the surfing done by those ranked would be better. Flaws and strengths.
Is Andy done doing blow? Anyone know?
it was oxy, Occy.
BTW, the judges work one week out of every six. don’t tells us they have no time to fraternize with surfers and surf insiders.
besides, like the 2002 Olympic ice skating fix? it not that they were Russian, French, or whatevers….
it’s that they were judges.
Boop, Boop!
Seems to me like that guy mark was funnier than most anyone else on here. I could do without the political bullshit but the guy had some good stuff. Especially that goofy story about Borats sister checking out Clay marzo and Granger larson at Rocky point with Cote stumbling up behind them. Then recently his backhanding of the guy from Santa Cruz defending Ratboy was good too. Too bad he bailed.
blasphemy rottmoouth pull your head out of lewy ass, because all that shit is clogging up your brain. get a life man, don’t you have any thing better to do? get a job @#@$hole!!!!
Some buckethead named Fawn wastes three hours of his day to type the question, “Don’t you have anything better to do?”
Pluck, pluck, pluck… pluck, pluck,pluck,pluck… (eerrrrttt) pluck, pluck… pluck, pluck, pluck, pluck, pluck, pluck.(uuuurrrpp)
Translated into English: “You must be joking.”
come to Hawaii this winter and we can work this out in person. i’ll happy to buy you a ticket!!
Wow, another scatalogical reference for Blasphemy Rottmouth. bet he’s feeling like shit.
@Fawn,
No thanks, I’ll just ride my bike. Look, Fecus, I only have to work a few months out of the year in an industry where my six figure salary is considered weak, so there goes your “get a job theory.” I dig Lewis’ writing and come here to read it and occasionally defend my own thoughts against an onslaught of typically stunted surfer-dude drivel. Meanwhile, I have three kids so my problem is too much sex, not needing a life. Not to rub salt in your wounds, but my wife makes more money designing websites for movie studios and casinos in her spare time at home, than you’ll make while slaving your life away at Target™ the next four years. So there goes the rest of your theory.
As they say in Uruguay, “you’ll never catch up, so just grab your ankles and take it.”
I teed up the ‘your a gay’ comment for you… as I’m that’s the next insult you’ll be throwing my way.
@PeterPerfect,
You should know better. Blasphemy Rottmouth is an anagram for “Anal Blister Juice.”
Great, that’s all we need here, a dyslexic pseudo-intellectual. Thanks for the boring details of your boring existence, though, it makes me feel even more superior.
Anytime I can give you something to chew on… and I don’t mean that in a gay way… or, did I?
I’m sure your ’students’ enjoy your Wildean dandy persona. It appears you need to surf the gay away.
I bet that Blasphemy Rottmouth is lying about his wife,kids,job and how much money he makes.
I just always remember with a certain tragedy and shock years ago when Slater, Dorian, and their claiming soul brother Macahdo used to blow into our little island town to film their Momentum videos with their friend (who had no creativity with a video camera, but made millions) They were the most selfish, self centered bunch of pricks, that lived their lives seemingly by shafting and excluding others from their daily immoral routines. They took everything and gave nothing and were incredibly shrewd and calculated about everything that they did, especially when it came to the business of surfing. I never forgot that. Picking up any surf magazine after realizing that these people were so fucking self centered and selfish was nearly impossible. Though I always respected their surfing, these people, like Slater live these lives that other surfers have wholeheartedly and foolishly supported over the years.
Lewis campaign against Kelly is very effective. Two contests and two 17. The real wizard here is Mr. Samuels himself. The thing is Kelly has 10 million personal full on selfish reasons to win number 10, but that is only the result of one of the most brilliant careers in the history of the sports. I just hope Kelly can at least give a good run for Parko first title, although i think the guy who is in the forefront of performance is Fanning. Let’s see what happens next.
I’m with Cote on this one, and to me it seems even deeper than he makes it out to be. Lewis, you have transformed your power rankings into a bitter bashing of the corporate surf world. Instead of your usual constructive criticism with a side of humorous insight, you now have forgotten what made surf fans so furious about your firing. You TOLD IT LIKE IT WAS, and added humor and a couple funny cutdowns. Now all it is is bashing, and without giving the insight you once did, you and your power rankings will slowly dwindle into the long lost universe that is the internet. So it is up to you whether you want to hop on your rocket ship and fly right out of the surf world, but let’s all hope you decide to get back down to earth. Kelly is Andy, you are not going to break him by making him think he is old, but a guy like him would have no problem getting an African size black ball and have your ass banished. I am still a fan and I still support you, but come on dude, be the bigger man against the MAN that is surfline.
Oh and anyone can spend an entire day to come up with 8 witty paragraphs. I could just see you sitting in your computer chair daunting an evil laugh, a week unshaven, eating 3 day old pizza thinking to yourself “mwahaha I am god” like Dr. Faulker from Bio-Dome. Your words once had the clout of Faulkner’s coconut bombs but now they seem like a bootleg box of m-80s.
What Kyle fails to read is bold entertainment…. and look at the wolves Lewis is writing to.
Bashing the corporate surf world is a privilige of being uncompromised and the rest of the “industry” garbage is published through rose colored glasses and preordained scripts.
It’s refreshing to read candor instead of carefully manipulated and every page pervasive advertising. There is so much more to surfing than Quiksilver’s best interest, a genre that is completely ignored.
There are sister magazines of Prime Media that will cater to your sense of sterility, KL.
I’m just quoting my idol on an important statement:
“Lewis, you have transformed your power rankings into a bitter bashing of the corporate surf world. Instead of your usual constructive criticism with a side of humorous insight, you now have forgotten what made surf fans so furious about your firing. You TOLD IT LIKE IT WAS, and added humor and a couple funny cutdowns. Now all it is is bashing, and without giving the insight you once did…”
Wow, Fan’s reiteration is so much more profound than the original author.
Well, i still have to say this:
Lewis take on Kelly is spetacular. It is witty, clever and mostly, true. I just don’t agree with the use of one single word: hedonistic.
You may say many things about the bald old man now, but just don’t go into misconception. What it takes to win a world title is reserved to only a few, extremely talented, perseverent and lucky guys. To see an intense, technical and fast surfer like the albine monkey to sweat his shirt just to clinch his first one on the belt is proof enough. It’s not a walk in the park. Now, imagine to win it three times, like Andy and Curren did. Well, imagine to win it six times, Slats status was when he battled Irons. And now, almost six years after the most disputed world title ever, KS has added another three to his belt. I mean, the guy surpassed Andy’s whole carrer in few years. In other words, if Andy was a planet, KS would be Galactus.
Really Lewis, i agree 100% with your words there, i just think you meant narcissistic, and not hedonistic.