Taj Burrow
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 3 ASP Rating: 7
Poor Taj. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. In recent years, Taj has revealed his deep desire to emulate Cocoa Beach’s most famous son. Unfortunately for Taj, his personal trainer thinks Carrot Top, not Kelly Slater, is Cocoa Beach’s most famous son. (According to Wiki, Carrot Top is a comedian from Cocoa Beach who recently has become infamous due to his “dramatic muscle gain and facial change.”) At Bells, Taj did look like he’s bulked up some. But he also lost his only heat – to Jay Thompson, a guy who didn’t even manage to re-qualify. Carrot Top’s comedy act relies on one-liners and props – Taj’s rockered-out Firewire looked like a prop capable of explosive one-liner turns, but it lacks flow. Surfing’s Stuart Cornuelle reported that a fellow competitor noted after watching Taj lose, “That’s what happens when you have a personal trainer instead of a coach.” And when you emulate Carrot Top instead of Kelly Slater.
Adriano de Souza
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 2 ASP Rating: 6
Adriano had me going there, for a minute. After his incendiary Gold Coast performance, I thought he’d broken through to contender status. But at Winkipop, something just didn’t look right about his frontside hack. It’s doubtful anyone seeded into R2 will complain about the new format. But it is interesting to note how many top seeds were upset in their first heats – Kelly, Taj, Bede, Ace, and Adriano. Perhaps the buffer of R1 is important for top seeds too – it allows them to get in rhythm with the conditions and gather some steam. The true competitors will adapt – and Adriano is a true competitor whose 15.60 heat total would have won most bouts – but Ben Button put up 16.07. Mind you, if Brazilian competitors were allowed to paddle out for heats in groups of say, 8, as they do when free-surfing all over the world, a Brazo would surely be world champ.
Adrian Buchan
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 5 ASP Rating: =9
The historical importance of Ace Buchan may boil down to the significant progress Ace has made in proving that pro surfers are not inherently as stupid as the average European kindergartner. Either that or he’ll be remembered as “that guy that beat Slater in France in that one contest.” In all seriousness, how much farther can Ace rise? If he breaks the edge of the top 5, I reckon that’s pretty much maxed out, no matter how articulate this fucker is compared to Shaun Cansdell. Ace emerges from the Australian leg ranked equal ninth, which is pretty pimp for a goofyfoot. At Bells, his 17th was the unfortunate result not of a lapse in technique but a lapse in wave judgment. Buchan put up some cracker backside hooks, but lost to Dingo 15.50 to 6.13. The scoreline makes it look worse than it was – Ace interfered in a last-ditch effort, only succeeding in diminishing his stats.
Bede Durbidge
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 5 ASP Rating: =9
Bede Durbidge got force-fed a dose of his own medicine in his first and only heat at the Rip Curl Pro. Despite surfing in admirable Bede fashion, Durbidge lost to a rampaging underground darkhorse Aussie who had nothing to lose. Falling to a wildcard is a bitter pill – but at least Adam Robertson followed through and made the final after downing Bede 16.10 to 15.84. Tough luck for Bede, and tough luck for former ASP pro Luke Munro, who put a $1000 bet on Bede to win the World Title, at 8/1 odds. After bogging in the first two events, Bede can pretty much give up on earning his mate any money off that dreamer’s wager. Still, Bede’s got the judging criteria pegged – each turn acts as punctuation, stringing together waves that are a deranged amalgamation of Courtney Love’s all-caps blog entries and an e.e. cummings poem.
Dane Reynolds
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 9 ASP Rating: =19
What the fuck to make of Dane Reynolds? This is a dilemma, right here. Surfing needs its American Jesus figures, even when they’re media manufactured. We needed Dora, we needed Lopez, we needed Curren and we still need Slater. But with Slater on the wane, the vampires need Dane Reynolds, and they need to suck him dry. Inconveniently, Dane is an actual human being, who is obviously conflicted concerning his savior-of-the-industry status. At Bells, Dane characteristically disappointed the vampires: not only did he lose to Owen Wright (who surfs like the deranged lovechild of Dikembe Mutumbo and Flynn Novak) but by losing to Owen, Dane set in motion a chain reaction that culminated in Slater’s loss to Owen Wright. And that will likely culminate in a Joel Parkinson World Title.
Carrot top is from cocoa beach??? I did not know that. What a town! K slater AND carrot top??… and I dream of genie…….”hey gemie, why don’ t you make your tounge six feet long and lick my balls from across the room?”
“Owen Wright (who surfs like the deranged lovechild of Dikembe Mutumbo and Flynn Novak)”
Now thats some next level shit right there.
….because only rot can do tricks like that.
Have to admit I tossed a few for genie back in the day myself.
Dane does need a bit of working class aussie injected into his veins. By the time he realizes what he really wants and could have had it will have passed him by. At least he hasn’t admitted defeat and gone off to prance for peace like dolphin boy.
Bedes a cover band. A really good cover band. But a cover band.
Ace too smart for his own good? If you say so. Marzo is surfings Einstien and Da Vinci rolled into one these days. One of a few who always entertains and can still surprise at any time. The polar opposite of the thinking man.
Still can’t tell the Brazos apart. It’s like owning six rottweillers. Who cares what you call ‘em. All appetite and no style. Rush the bowl and salivate, let the gobs of slobber fly from your fingertips with every over punctuated snap.
Taj has made a career out of the type of equipment problems that currently plague Kelly. All that chatter isn’t fooling anyone anymore. Add a pound to your boards instead of your body and a quarter inch of width. And a little thickness and drop the tail rocker back to 2 3/8. Just a shot away.
Maybe Slaters politics are finally being reflected in his surfing. He’s to far to the left to win going right.
Carrot Top?! This guy looks like he spent all day Saturday staring eagerly at a hot pocket through the door of a Mexican microwave oven whose timer was set on “Eternity”. He looks like he spent twenty-seven hours headbutting an overstoked furnace. Perhaps he merely went bobbing for tater tots in a vat of boiling peanut oil? Damn.
His arms and chest are as hairless as a fetal pig’s belly; his face has the marks of an expertly grilled steak; and his head is covered by what I can only describe as bloody stool.
I’m going home and smoking foam rubber through a PVC bong…
Bede’s a cover band alright… I heard he plays backup Meat-Whistle in the Dead Kenny G’s.
If Taj surfs like he did at Bells one more time, he needs his feet amputated above the angle and replaced with old lady’s chair legs with ball rollers on them; and then he should be pushed down a flight of old splintery stairs into a kiddie pool full of rat ejaculate and bat guano.
Maybe that will slap him with the “Ben Severson” reality award for runner-up of a lifetime.
Man, I was starting to wonder Mr. Samuels. The lower seed power rankings were bordering on tabloidish and asinine, but these are the guys that really begin to matter and their rankings reflect your attention.
Bravo I say and keep it up, especially the write up on Kekoa Bacalso
Oh my. Courtney Love. Her torn up visage makes me want to step up to a frosty Colt 45 malt liquor and take a loooong pull. Jeah.
Speaking of mauled licker, I would have nestled my nozzle in the sodden grotto betwixt a Pre-“Ask For It” era Courtney’s lactation pontoons; they made baby’s skin look like Eudora Welty’s ass. And damned if even her velvet elbow ain’t sexy as all git-out.
She’s tossing hell-sparks into the dry kindling of my pants as we speak. )Yes I just said “Eudora Welty,” bitches. I’m old enough to fart Pharaoh’s dust in your general direction.
Bells isn’t Taj’s type of wave, not enough corners to blister and too much space to fill. The season is early, back off hounds.
Jig is solid. I wrote before that Dane came home from the loss. Who would leave the southern hemi for garbage at home? No thinking human.
A stones throw from heaven and he settles for surfing with the criminals at the dredge. Bad decisions plague life and an anchor tatt sounds the alarm.
Bede is Damien Hardman, too bad that there are fewer tour stops and another coolie is in the mix. Cover band may be generous, but funny.
What should really be lauded is Lewis Samuel’s usage of pitch perfect photo’s illustrating severe opinions…. his alter ego gets all the credit (BR), but the visual accompaniement to his prose is almost too provoking. Kudo’s to a consumate master.
I’ll take the Bride’s maid on the far left. Sure she’s big as an Ox, but think about it: She’s probably a really good cook and any kids you have will be part wildebeest. You won’t have to worry about paying for college cause your kids would get a full shot put sponsorship.
Ooops, forgot to mention the Brazilians…..
never mind
WOW! After a sweet late afternoon session in 6 foot north swell conditions I was feeling kind of warm and fuzzy. The sun was melting onto the horizon over Kaena Point and as the Foo Fighters ” Aint it the Life” mellowed my mood I thought to myself ” Mark you need to take the night off from reading and commenting on Post Surf.”
So I enjoyed the SMOKING mexican dinner and CRAZY GOOD banana cream pie my wife had prepared. We sat on our lanai with our daughter telling us funny stories about her day at school. My wife looked deep into my eyes, stroked my hair and whispered into my ear. “See honey. You don’t need that silly website to make you happy. I bet you can go an entire week without even looking at it much less making a comment.”
She smiled warmly and snuggled into my arms as my daughter dressed my dog in a silly little candy cane costume. Maybe she was right. Maybe i can just quit altogether and move on to the truly important things in my life.
Everything was fine until Mama and daughter had to run down to Foodland for some kind of school supplies and I was left all alone. Staring across the room at the computer. Staring. ” I wonder if Lewis has posted the next 6 spots on the power rankings?,” I asked myself. Shoot no one will notice if I just take a glance.
BAM! There it was! I felt like a recovering addict who discovered a forgotten 8 ball in his dresser AND the family was out of town for 2 days. Carrot top? Owen Wright the love child of Novak and Mutumbo? And the “quote of the week” in my opinion about the Brazos paddling out in groups of 8! I was in tears I was laughing so hard.
Then to top things off Jig chimes in with the Rottweiler analogy and B. Rot nails a succession of 9.3’s and I am rolling around the floor holding my stomach in laughter!
10 minutes later the door opens and my daughter runs in. ” Were you a good boy Daddy? Momma and I have a bet on whether or not you looked on Post Surf.”
” Of course I didn’t look sugar”, I lied. ” I am just sitting here watching American Idol”.
“Bedes a cover band. A really good cover band. But a cover band.” Nice work jiggy jig. But what kind of cover band? He’s not just your average pub cover band slaughtering Cold Chisel in Australia or ‘the boss’ in the US, he’s more like the Pink Floyd Show. The lights are there, the sound is good and you might enjoy the performance if you close your eyes, but you leave with a vague sense of dissatisfaction and a hankering to put on Pink Floyd when you get home to hear the real thing.
But Bede as word champ? Luke Munro, are you out there? I have some prime land I want to sell you. Give me a call.
Taj couldn’t link a girly bracelet let alone a set of maneuvers at the moment because he’s spooked about the ‘big moves’ he needs to get a score and Kelly is deliberately sabotaging his chances because he’s fucking bored, but ‘ten’ equals the amount of fingers that he has, so ten would be nice. One more failure and he’s either toast or engineering the greatest finish to a career in sporting history by winning several contests in a row.
Dane is by far the most enigmatic surfer on tour, he makes Kelly’s flakiness look positively careerist. But is it all an act?
Remember when Parmenter delivered Curren a title?
Yeah, that same “intellect” that shapes shitty boards and stood proud against the tyranny of bad contests and saved Tommy God’s ass at the very same Bells.
Lewis annointed Reynolds the destroyer of Kelly through some weird ass “six degrees of Kevin Bacon” bullshit that lays the thrown at Parko’s feet.
A bit of a stretch, but far too much projection for Mr Cote to follow, so a good thing.
Glad to see that the healthy lifestyle Mark leads requires no deception.
Hey Mike isn’t it midnight in Tarzana?
Mark,
The witching hour tolls ’round the clock where I come from… and it tolleth for thee.
You rolled a seven when you shoulda rolled snakes.
Time to pay up.
I thought Bede played the electric triangle in the ‘Soy Milk Division.’
Electric Cowbell. And the talk box on his only hit, ‘Do You Surf Like We Do’.
Stabmag has called Mr Samuels out for losing his intestinal fortitude in dealing with our friends from the Hawaiian Islands. Given the reception a certain Captain James Cook received for dropping in on the Duke at Sunset, it’s perhaps understandable.
The funniest bit, though is where they quote Blasphemy Rottmouth’s pithy comments as one of Mr Samuels.
Fact or fiction?
Blasphemy Stupidfuck’s metaphorically laden, obscurely referenced, long winded deliveries are just like Dennis Miller’s. They end with no punch.
Damn some of you guys ARE on some Stephen Hawking shit on here man. B.R. has me actually reading every post with complete interest now and the power rankings are getting more epic on every front. Went to Puerto this past summer and the Brazzos did that shit everywhere I went. Barra is like the spot down the street now and you would see the same 6 pack there in the afternoon that you saw in the morning at far bar with the 7th on camera duty. Sucked.
Dead Kenny G’s was awesome B.R. Who is the new Rob Bain on tour? Is there anyone close? From cig smoking Bay puss out to top five power surfing contender? There used to be some gnarly goofy foots on tour. Barton, Carrol, Bain, Christian Dave Mac, Derek, Occy, Hardman, Rommelse, Egan all sitting at or near the top 16. Most in the top 10. Never happen again.
little known fact: Adriano De Souza and Jeremy Flores are the bastard sons of the same tiny little man — a professional gaelic tap dancer called Twinkle Toes Pierre who had the lightest, fastest step in two different continents and weighed 89 pounds on a fat day. For my part, I can’t tell the half brothers apart.
Good morning Post Surf. Hi Mike. Dane Reynolds is my favorite surfer. Blasphemy and Stu are my favorite posters. I like Mike because he berates me. This year’s tour will be a battle for second, the judges have made up their collective minds. Lewis, meet me in Tahiti, I’ll watch you surf from the shoulder, I’ll be the dude sitting on a raft surrounded by floating beer cans, hopefully i’ll be close enough to the action that I can high five all my pro bros when they come out of the tube. yeeeeeeeeeeew
I can’t wait.
Surfline has its “new and improved” Power Rankings up. It’s the combined efforts of Ian Cairns, Matt Griggs and Jason Borte. I have yet to read it in its entirety, but suffice it to say, so far pretty boring. It reads like an impromptu interview of the 3, with rather predictable and generic analysis. I confess I’m a biased Lewis Samuels (a.k.a. Blaspehmy Rottmouth) follower, and would more likely than not commit any number of heinous acts in his name if so instructed, but still could they not have at least feigned creativity and originality? Honestly, there are more laughs in any one single ranking by Lewis.
In short, bad move surfline. You suck.
as attempted to be posted on surfline:
“Nice job, fuckwits. This already sucks.
And I like how any negative comments are edited out by the thought police (sorry for the reference you don’t understand). Go Stalin! Go Mao! Go Collins!
Even if you are editing only because of the powers that be, then you have traded your morality for money.
Surfline has sunk even lower. “Oh, cool! Another ‘Groms Attack’ feature.” Fuck you.”
For the sake of accuracy, it was Surfing Mag that reported Taj’s “personal trainer instead of a coach” quote, not STAB. Still STAB is better.
I’m confused by Dane so high here. Sure he’s the best surfer on the planet on some days, but strength doesn’t necessarily equal power, which I assume runs these rankings. To me, Dane’s similar to a few of those guys you knew in school - so smart you can see their brains working behind their eyes, but so stupid they can’t tie their own shoes. Some of those guys went on to run wall street, write wickedly funny books etc., while others ended up asking “paper or plastic” a thousand times a day (none, of course, ended up working at TWS). I can’t imagine what it’s like to be Dane, but I hope he decides the tour’s worth his efforts - we don’t need another carpenter running around Ventura.
Just checked out the new and improved Power Rankings over at Surfline. I wonder if The POW3R RANKINGS TEAM wears Bronzed Aussie Jumpsuits when they write? It reads like a wanna be pre-draft preview from USA Today.
Surfline’s bastardized power rankings are a fine example of reverse alchemy.
If Chris Cote would just spray his posts with neon and cover them with advertisements, I might have some idea what in the hell he was trying to say. That would be rad.
Surfline’s new power rankings comments have to be reviewed before they are posted. Imagine that . . .
Censored comments on the Rankings? What is this, Iran? Did you notice that it’s been almost 3 hours since the Moderator has posted any reviews? I’m sure that they’re absolutely flooded with comments right now.
By the way, I keep thinking about my man Jihad, contender for the number one surfer in the world on stilts?! Nice try, but in a fantasy surf off, I would probably have to give the nod to Alex Knost. He could probably do the splits in a 100 yard speed trim perched atop a hand tinted corrugated cardboard 10′ log while wearing 10′ stilts, making his effective length over 23′…
The Surfline Rankings were weak. Not one of the members of the new team professed there love to Steds.
Surfline’s “new and improved” version of the Power Rankings are painful, almost embarrassing…
After watching the Archie movie a while ago. One thing sticks out that he said. He said he wished he just would have put all his energy into the world tour for at least one year. I hope decides that maybe one year he will do the same.
Can’t wait to read the top five LS! The comments about/on PostSurf are almost as good as Mr.Samuels remarks!
Though I have to admit that I thought Surfline’s power ranking we’re insightful and dead on. Boring but true. Ian get’s it.
Rottmouth… do you have blog we can flow too?
I think it’s cute how Chris Cote chimes in… maybe he thinks some teen girls are reading this and has a chances of getting there number.
I read through about half of the Surfline Power Rankings. S’all I could stomach. I now have carpal tunnel syndrome from furiously pounding the “Next” button, after each monotonous batch of commentary. Thanks Surfline asshats.
What the hell is going on over there? I’m more confused than a blind fluffer at a North Dakota weenie roast. And I have no conceptual grasp of what that even could be.
Their semi-literate comments are devoid of any original thought, which perfectly illustrates what Samuels has said all along. The ASP continues to feed their limp lil’ smokie through the glory-hole of Surfline; allowing their ‘expert’ panel of commenter’s to fellate at will. I felt like I had just read a script to a gay porno when I had reached the half-way mark. They should call their feature: Power Bottom Wankings.
They could have done a little better, no? I mean, when Van Halen fired Sammy Hagar, they didn’t carry on with some mediocre hack as their front man did they? Hail naw, they immediately got the best front man in the history of rock n’ roll… wait, no they didn’t. Surfline – I have seen your future, and the future is Gary Cherone.
What does Ian Cairns get? How to coach Gabe Kling to the 45th spot?
Go LS, thanks for giving us some more delicious absurdity to chew on. Surfline is such a straight laced kook outfit in their decision to take the Power Rankings seriously. Do they really think that people “care”? I am so tired of personal trainers, surf coaches, home schooled brats and what is happening to our sport at the hands of “the industry”. Why did the film biz and surf biz ever have to wed? Where is Surfline’s hedonistic spirit? Tame, tame, tame and lame. Are we malcontents to dine so voraciously on the metaphorical orgies found on Postsurf? I know one thing for sure - content, like food is best when it tantalizes and stimulates the palette. That goes beyond satiating. Whether of your own prose or that of folk like Blasphemy Rotmouth contriving succulent imagery like “rat ejaculate and bat guano”, I am a reader that maintains the highest degree of respect for all literate, entertaining and mind expanding debauchery. And even more so when its done for the love and not the sponsors. Thank you for taking Surfline “head on” and continuing with the real Power Rankings. Dude, have you copyrighted that?
Reading surfline’s power rankings makes me think of what it would be like if you were to pull me out through Blasphemy’s ass hole and string me up like a chile to dry in the desert sun. You might be tempted to cut me open to discover what lies inside my mucousy, reddish walls. That would be your mistake. Because while you might be prepared for the lethal combination of methane and hydrogen cyanide produced as the byproduct of decaying rodents simmering in stomach acid, what you could never anticipate is the volume and pressure at which the morbid coctail would spray upon your horrified and quickly disfigured face.
Cool picture of yourself on your website Miles—button up shirt, rolled up, hands in pockets, saying, “Hey guys, lets do some business, but, like, casual business—no pressure. Maybe we could talk about branding over a Pacifico or a Corona at a beach bar.”
What can I do with my brand to make myself look like I’m not trying to get teenage girls phone numbers?
You’re the expert. You tell me.
Myles is cool for putting his own name though.
Now thats a punch!
I don’t have time to read all the comments on here so I don’t know if someone already wrote this, but really? Owen Wright? I don’t agree. That kid surfs insane. You didn’t see the best of him during those two heats when he beat Reynolds and Slater. But he beat Reynolds and Slater. I think you’ll see a whole lot more of him in the near future and you’ll be impressed. He’s a pretty fucking amazing surfer.
What footage or sessions have you seen of him besides his heats in that contest Lewis? I’m interested to hear.
@Myles,
I do not have a blog. This is about all I can handle right now. In fact, even I’m not sure what “Blasphemy Rottmouth” means. I’m having an existential crisis. I’m going to crawl into the corner of my office, retract into a thumb-sucking fetal shape like a large hairy gulf shrimp, and fart slowly in silent fetid wisps until my wife pulls me out into the light and medicates me.
Speaking of which, I’m heading North for some waves. I’ll be back next week. Anyone posting as me from here on out is… well, you can tell the difference.
Have a good weekend you pig-fuckers. And by ‘good,’ I mean drunk.
Cheers!
And by pig-fuckers you mean pig-fuckers.
thank god we have real surfer making the calls for surline power rankings. no kooks!!
mr collins, is that you?
When Blashemy Rottmouth says he is leaving for a week do you think he means it? Cause I hate it when people say they are going to do something then don’t.
Stu I was reading your comment about Dane where you compared him to a few guys ” you knew in school”. Are you referring to guys you knew in high school or college? I ask because I am one of those losers who did not go to college and I want to make sure I can relate to your comment.
I think you need more off-the-wall metaphors.
So, PLEASE, will you write & tell us what went down in the halls of Surfline ? You know, the part where you went splitsviLLe.
You & Rabbit are/were the 2 best writers in Surfdom. Maybe you can team up.
Please do be attentive to detail in your use of the words “less” and “fewer”. It’s “less swell, fewer waves.” It’s just a little grammar point that was drilled into me by my parents.
college, of course.
P.S. Hurry up & do Power Rankings 1-5 ! I’m jonesing for a proper Power Rankings.
Joel Parkinson World Title. That’s another of your old campaigns you used to write in Surfline. People are buying it mate.
First off, Myles, Blasph has his own blog….. it’s called Postsurf.com
Mr Cote, have a great trip and if you’re filming, please stay sober long enough for us to get an impression if you have any talent. Who knows, we may all rush out for subrisciptions. That channel is pretty sick, but I made the mistake of chasing that wave down the reef a bit when a swing wide spooked the shit out of me. Never had seen anything like it and in those days, the paddle in was brutal. Have fun Chris, I almost quit surfing that day. And if you do drink, pass on any skate rail inspirations.
Mark, Blasph only used the word “leaving” because he didn’t want to pay you any royalties for your trademark. Nice to read some humor from you.
Well, after reading about the New Format, I had a look at Surflie.com’s new rankings.
They make the color white edgy. How can three guys be so bland….. and not be named Gadauskas.
Going back to the comments relating to Hawaiians, have you guys seen the Da Hui message on Tahiti and wildcards?
http://www.stabmag.com/index/happy-easter-from-da-hui.php
They advocate 15 wildcards for the Tahitians a la Pipe Masters. In Da Hui’s view, it’s unfair that Hawaiians and Tahitians, with some of the world’s best waves in their backyards, have to travel around the world on the WQS to compete in WCT events in their homelands.
Naturally, this message is delivered via a video in which a thug wearing no shirt flexes his pecs while reading, with some difficulty, a written statement. I can’t tell if he’s aware that he can’t punch us through the camera.
Thugs, it’s the WORLD tour. That means you, like everyone else, have to travel. While it may be impossible for Tahitians to finance travel on the WQS, there is no similar excuse for Hawaiians.
I am so tired of the entitlement attitude in Hawaii. Have you noticed how the Hawaiian wildcards don’t win Pipe Masters? It must be the judging. It couldn’t be because they just aren’t that good. See Pipeline Posse (which set back modern surfing 10 years); but see Jamie O (who probably should be on the WCT but also doesn’t look very Hawaiian to me).
Props to Bourez and Kekoa for letting their surfing take them where they are. LS is right, Kekoa is a breath of fresh air. He doesn’t speak like he just got out of prison, nor does he carry a sense of entitlement by virtue of his race/homeland.
Ian Cairns is a professional surfer?
well yea, he was at one moment in time.
now? he looks more like a professional meat pie eater. the Aussie Kobayashi.
apparently he still rips. he has the pie floater down to a science.
what has Kelly lost more of?
his interest in competition surfing?
or his net worth in shares of ZQK?
“with Slater on the wane, the vampires need Dane Reynolds, and they need to suck him dry. Inconveniently, Dane is an actual human being, who is obviously conflicted concerning his savior-of-the-industry status.”
This is a nice observation. I was feeling pretty meh about the Power Rankings but with this installment Lewis seems to be getting his groove back.
I first heard about the “new and improved power rankings here”….so, out of curiosity I had to check it out. There was the feature, with the mugshots, that were somehow the same, but different. I opened it up, scanned the first bit for a split second……man, it was like the time I went to a friend’s without the courtesy call…..door was cracked open, I walked in, turned a corner, and there it was, my freind passed out on the floor, dick in hand, with a puddle of cumshot………..REVOLTING!!!……clicked away in .025 seconds.
According to surfline, Gabe Kling is paying Cairns in meat pies and is getting totally fucked.
I’m guessing Slater has lost more in ZQK. Coffee at Dennys is literally worth more than a share. I would guess you could get 2 meatpies for a share except they don’t sell meat pies at Dennys.
Slater should consider a contract with Dennys and meat pies. They could give him 10 cups of coffee and 10 meat pies for a 10th title. At a minimum, that might bring Cairns on his side.
With Lewis Samuels, we have the real Power Rankings right here. An eloquent writer, who has always called it like he sees it, in a more than entertaining fashion.
That ersatz brand of Power Rankings?
Written by a bunch of Power Rangers.
Chris… I’m touched. I didn’t even know that I would register on your radar. I like the fact that you know who I am. No hiding here blog world.
Don’t get me wrong with the teenage girl thing, I’m only jealous and wish I had your job- the Globe Fiji thing is the best webcast of the year. Let’s have a beer, no pressure- casual style.
What kind of advice is Taj getting? Does he not know the difference between a
personal trainer…
http://tiny.cc/Y2grZ
and a coach?
http://tiny.cc/7ai9L
The bloke should demand his money back.
Rottmouth… your insightful wisdom will be missed. But I’m sure you will be back checking 1-5 rankings.
Does Myles realize that Chris Cote is really Stu?
just got my first batch of “surfline sucks” stickers ordered up. T-shirts are next. j
Good morning everybody. Jiggy Jog, give us some stickers!
This is on a different note, but if any of my post surf “buddies” wants to do something surfy tonight, we’re doing a slide show at the surf museum in San Clemente. I assure you, if you smoke enough weed, and drink just enough beer, you will feel like you are actually in the tube with the dude up on the screen. Oh, the soundtrack with have a lot of Ween and Santana, so that will help.
http://surf.transworld.net/2009/04/24/transworld-surfsurfing-heritage-light-table-session-this-friday-night/
Somebody bring some whippits, too—i haven’t had those in a while.
Whippits and Gravity bong hits… wish I could make it.
Guess I’m slow to catch on and didn’t realize the Lewis and Blashemy Rottmouth were one in the same. Noted.
I’m bustin down the door of your malicious lies! The rumors which you all have apparently spread to the effect that I am paid by Gabe Kling in meat pies are unequivocally false. I have never, nor will I ever, accept compensation in the form of meat pies. It is true that Gabe Kling handed me a half-eaten meat pie after getting a 33rd on the Goldie and said, “thanks a lot, coach.” And it is true that said meat pie was delicious. It is also true that I consume meat pies regularly and have the figure to show for it. Nevertheless, I do not accept meat pies as payment for surf coaching.
Floridiots in SD ruined surfing.
That’s a cool invitation from Mr. Cote. It’s nice to get the fuck out from the virtual world and go to real life. Apparently, Chris is not affraid of a bunch of surfing obssessive geeks.
Thanks for the clarification, Ian.
Apparently Ian Cairns has obtained that svelte figure not thru meat pies, but that magic blend of two continents.
Beans, rice, and Budaberg.