Joel Parkinson
Bells Result: 1 Previous Result: 1 ASP Rating: 1
Well that was relatively easy. After breezing to two seemingly preordained victories, Parko’s all but secured the World Title. He’s like an NBA player on the free-throw line now, who only needs to make 1 of 2 to seal the deal and prevent the game from going into overtime. It’s always revealing – getting to see an athlete sweat in the spotlight. Will they focus or choke? Trouble is, Parko has to stand on that free-throw line, all eyes focused on him, for another 8 months. All the Aussies have conceded the title to Parko already. But Mr. Slater will be there, boring holes into Parko with his laser-beam eyes, trying to convince Joel that he’s really Bill Buckner in the ’86 World Series.
Mick Fanning
Bells Result: 3 Previous Result: 5 ASP Rating: 2
It’s easy to become lazy and chalk up World Titles to conspiracy theories. The ASP pushed Slater to his first comeback title, Mick Fanning won his because the ASP wanted an Australian champ, and now Parko has been anointed, because Fanning didn’t prove a worthy successor to Slater. Obviously, this is a paranoid and simplistic perspective on how titles are won. The judges and the ASP are not hiding the truth about Roswell. They do not know what the Chupacabra really is, or why the towers fell. Instead, the media, fans, and competitors choose a narrative each season, and then the contenders and judges play along and subconsciously guide us towards the expected outcome, like children on an Ouija Board. Mick Fanning is surfing as well as ever. But the story this year is Parko, so, somehow, for some reason, Mick has lost close heats (as he did to Jordy) while Parko has won his.
C.J. Hobgood
Bells Result: 5 Previous Result: 5 ASP Rating: 5
I can honestly say that I didn’t see this coming. Because the ASP season kicks off with two events in tricky rights, non-Australian goofyfoots pretty much take it for granted that they’ll start the year off in the middle of the pack, at best. But due to a strange confluence of events, including but not limited to the shape of the bracket, the shape of Slater’s boards, Taj underachieving, and the Irons Brothers dropping off tour, CJ and Fred now find themselves in the Top 5 heading into Tahiti. Brave new territory after years of getting clowned at Bells. If Globe had kept Fiji on the schedule, both goofs could legitimately consider themselves title contenders. Without Fiji? Ehhhh. But the more creepy and unpredictable CJ gets, the more likely his success. The darkside is calling.
Jordy Smith
Bells Result: 3 Previous Result: 9 ASP Rating: =3
Shot, Bru. Turns out, now that Jordy doesn’t think he’s automatically a Top 5 surfer, he may actually be a Top 5 surfer, after all. At Bells, in conditions seemingly ordered up by O’Neill and Rip Curl marketing directors, Jordy faced Fanning and came out on top. The power was on, and the stats told the story, as Smith put up the highest wave score (9.7) and heat score (18.70) of the event in R1. It was a glimpse of the rampaging primate we’d been promised. Even more impressively, Jordy surfed a bafflingly mature heat against Mick, in which he waited patiently for the best wave of the heat, and then destroyed it when it came to him. The next step in Jordy’s maturation? Ditch his Dad. It doesn’t matter how well-intentioned or knowledgeable Pops is – this isn’t Little League anymore. World Title contenders don’t need their parents doling out advice before and after every heat.
Freddy Patacchia
Bells Result: 3 Previous Result: 9 ASP Rating: =3
Well, clearly the Bud Light isn’t working – if it was, Fred P’s results would be as mediocre as the beer. Are you cheating on your “core” sponsor, Fred? (Speaking of core: Bud Light lists their surfing marketing initiatives as follows: “Sponsor of professional surfer Fred Patacchia and title sponsor of Bud Light WakeFest in Toronto, Canada.”) Thus far, Patacchia has followed in the hazy competitive footsteps of Kalani Robb, if Robb was bros with some guy at Bud Light instead of Taylor Steele. Now, all of a sudden, Fred’s found consistency and turned his weakest events into strengths. Patacchia was the only goofy to earn a 9+ wave score, and he put up the second highest heat total of the event -17.57 against Dingo. He did it by cracking the Occ-code and finding that one steep spot that accommodates vertical hooks on Bells Walls. But now, like a recovering addict teetering on the brink of a relapse, fans are walking on eggshells, waiting for the old Fred P to return with a 33rd.
Solid stuff here. With Dane and Kelly waiting in the shadows, this is still anyone’s game. Then again, Parko is looking in solid form. Tahiti will be interesting. I am calling a win for that dirtbag CJ. Just kidding Ceej, you don’t seem like a dirtbag mate, but I do think you’re gonna take Chopes. Onward!
Great work Lewis!! Seriously, the new Surfline Rankings are pathetic compared to yours. You are vindicated!!!
CJ is kind of creepy nowdays
When I read the intro to Surfline’s “new and improved” Power Rankings, I knew it was a bait and switch. Surfline’s loss, but on the bright side, the audience for this blog just exploded.
Keep up the great work.
Nice…the _real_ Power Rankings. Thanks for continuing to do this.
“He did it by cracking the Occ-code and finding that one steep spot that accommodates vertical hooks on Bells Walls.”
I wouldn’t say Fred emulated anything even close to Occy. Their styles in no way, shape, or form resemble each other. They’re as far apart as you could be as a goofy-footer and their lines at Bells are just as different. But Fred’s best heat was at Winkipop where the wave actually has a lip most of the time. He straight murked that heat against Dingo. I was very impressed.
Why Rip Curl doesn’t have Heats on Demand? I don’t know. I’d like to see that one again.
Jimmicane, the kisser of surfline ass. cough, coughindustrywhorewhocantholdacandletolewis, cough…
Speaking of weird and going back to the Jordy gettin’ anal with cougars- Hope your mom doesn’t read the surf publications. That will be kinda strange for you.
Anybody have the enldell summer light at Karl Strauss? i just had some at lunch, it’s wonderful.
Fred rules.
Drinking at my desk is good too
Jimmicae, going to our slideshow tonight?
that’s endless summer light ale.
This is your best work yet Lewis - fucking ridiculous. And fuck surfline and their bureaucratic bullshit….You’re conspiracy theory about narratives is pretty interesting, but if slater had won on the Goldie then you could say the same about his “new” equipment bandwagon (how everyone was saying that they were reconsidering their boards because of slater). It might just be about that first event and who takes it.
And by the way, did anyone notice how much dylan slater jocked the ripcurl riders in the event. That was the lamest web commentating yet.
Is it possible that the Curren/Occy duel of (’86?) is yet the best competitive surfing to grace the Bells bowl? If so, then this comp is antiquated. The beefcake boards under the major thighs of St. Thomas and Marco Jay–that was the golden age . Now, only Parko and Slater are worth watching out there. (How many of you witnessed the carving 3 Slats did on his ‘weird’ board in the Virgin expression sesh?) This was the best carving 3 as performed live by the MASTER in years! He came out of that thing on rail…and with gained momentum he followed that inside rail to a figure eight burst directly into a backside air (didn’t pull the air, but probably because he was already fully blissed out). So much for Slats having a bad year. Ripping is Ripping. Speed, power, and flow.
Martin Potter and Snips are the only guys that provide good commentary. The other fools make me embarrassed to be a surfer.
Yeah. What’s up with no heats on demand, Rip Curl? Next time put that high on your priority list, ahead of “behind the scenes” and daily recaps. Most of the comp was unwatchable b/c of all the waiting (and the boring wave that is Bells). Heats on demand would have been huge.
Stuie, Stuie, Stuie.
Kisser of Surfline ass? What the fuck! Don’t you ever fucking pass false information like that shit.
The truth is well known. I hate surfline more than just about anyone. I’m friends with a couple dudes who work there and even they know how much I hate that website. It’s cheap. It cheapens the sport of surfing, and especially surf photography, by diluting everyone’s brains with instantaneous bullshit. They will post any photo if it’s free and pay barely anything for something that is half-shit. They don’t give a fuck. Quantity over quality. A bad strategy towards life.
Don’t slander my name again mother fucker! Pretty please. Thanks.
Chris I’m not making it. Magic playoff game tonight! Go Orlando!
there’s room for plenty of power rankings…give me a job when my mag goes under…gurgle gurgle gurgle…
..and your BALLS MAN… your ball are like THIIIS BIIIIG!
Parko can’t cutback. Realise.
I disagree about Potz and Snips as being good webcast commentators. I don’t like listening to either one–too many cliches and generally predictable commentary. I likes me some Adam Blakey and Occy. Occy’s comments on the stingray that jumped out of the water on Slater’s bottom turn at Pipe last year were great. Something like, “what was that stingray thinking, mate?” In general, the Aussies tend to be a little more entertaining, candid and open to reading critical messages.
Of course, the most brutal is Dave Stanfield. As much of a professional as he apparently is (meaning he shows up and is sober), I find myself wincing through much of his commentary. “_______ is really going to town on that wave,” is a painful one that comes to mind.
Of course, it’s great when Slater steps into the booth. He really seems to listen to the messages and anticipates what’s on the minds of the viewers (e.g., Dane getting burned against Taj on the Goldie). Peter Mel is good at interviewing post-heat.
How about Lewis Samuels making a guest appearance? Probably not on a Billabong sponsored event.
Jimmicane . . . aka Jimmy Wilson. Go back to sleep at your desk at surfermag.gay or go back to St. Augustine teaching 3rd graders. Don’t come on here acting bad bitch! After your gay as fuck gator football article in a surfing magazine. Stu is a much better writer than you’ll ever be.
My son is the man in the booth. Fucking brilliant shit.
Thank god I found the real power rankings. Although the guys Surfline has now may be more a bit more credible, they sure as hell don’t make me laugh as hard as the stuff Samuels puts up. Keep up the good work.
I totally agree with Jimmicanes assesment of Fred. He didn’t look at all like Occ during that torching of Dingo at Winkipop.Totally different lines. Stu needs to go back to watching West Wing reruns all day.
How could RipCurl forget about heats on demand? Major oversight more reason for the ASP to take everything in house and package right and consistently. Only seems logically. To think people only get to see the contest if they watch it live. Come on. And the new format blows chunks. Ace’s column on ummmm dare I say Surfline… is insightful. So the ASP wants to grow their base but how can they when nobody even understands which way there going to run a contest. This format or wait this format. Stick with something and show some conviction.
The Slater format is best for fans and people watching. To many waves go unridden during the heat.
Only seems logical…
I agree with myles, the best format shown so far for the audience is the slater format, its so frustrating watching online and waves just going through unridden for most of the heat. At least with four guys out there the non prioriy heat surfers are catching anything and everything… so i am being entertained!!!
Mark no one cares what you have to say but you. The only one who thinks your witty is you. The one person who thinks you’re clever or insightful is you. Your assesments like your surfing, like your writing, like your life don’t amount to shit. So fuck you and your stupid moron religion. Go back to spaming the drudge report.
Turned on the computer lewis posted 1-5 and I jizzed in my pants
good job lewis….that was thoroughly entertaining. insightful. no holds barred (except maybe dustin barca who should’ve been ripped apart……but i think i get where you’re going with this guy). keep up the good work…surfline rules.
actually, Lewis didn’t say Fred looked like Occ, he just said he found some steep spots and hit them accordingly. Sorry, Mark, God’s on my side on this one.
Hate to see this installment - tomorrow’s post is bound to be a letdown lest Lewis is finally ready to spill the bean on AI.
Just as I thought, they didn’t post my comment. All I said was “I’m glad the real power rankings still exist, for FREEEEEE.”
i said “Lame….” and they didn’t publish that……lame
i said “screw hawaii, they’re a bunch of childish thugs with ice addictions who have done little or nothing to actually EARN respect in the last decade yet the entire industry still sucks on their balls like they’re made of chocolate. except kekoa, he’s cool.”
still waiting for them to post it.
Peter Mel?
He looks like he has a catchers mitt for a mug.
Well, the Power Rankings are through now. So far so good. The best individual take? Aranburu, no doubts about it. Man, that was funny!
About this one though, Lewis forgot to mention that Jordy Smiths is three meters tall and surfs uglier than the lochness monster. I mean, he surfs really uglyly. And yes, i’m creating a new word, use it at your will.
About the comments:
Dane is not a title contender yet folks.
The best duel i have witnessed at Bells was Parko X Kelly, with Slats tail sliding the half top of Bells lips on six feet waves, back in 2006 i guess. Wow, time flys!
Where can i see the expression session? Please, not in youtube! That’s so lame! An event with no heats on demands is half of a event nowadays. Shame on you rip kurl!
Things i want to know more:
The regulars on h-bomb.
ts, u spelled wrong. It’s “sucks”, not “rules” pal.
SmyrnaJeff thinks I am funny.
Sooooo, from the whole event I have to admit that Slaters carving 3 was the most fluid and inspired bit. Only thing that stands sharp in my memory. He came through so clean he looked like his feet were slightly surprised. The kneeboard does have its moments but they are few and far between.
Parko will drop the ball halfway to the goal I reckon. Few aussies can stand being the tall poppy for long. Mick did it just barely. Once. Occ was the only one since Nat to stand tall and not falter from the external pressure. He did cave to his own demons and love of nose candy though.
Could get mildly interesting. Hope its not another year of the Hobgoblin. That would be unbearable.
As for Freddy P being like Occy? Fuckin please tell me you were just pulling everyones leg with that bit. He surfed well enough but one honest Occy snap would burst both the boys femurs.
Just read this on ESPN online. Slater’s take on how the ASP world tour needs to change. It’s worth the read.
http://espn.go.com/action/news/story?id=4092753
Myles, thanks for the heads-up.
and here’s a quote,…
“The ASP has done a horrible job of marketing its surfers. I watch a lot of UFC, and they’ve done an amazing job of turning around the perception of that sport. People don’t think of UFC as tough guys beating the s— out of one another anymore. They call it mixed martial arts”.
yes, we need to widen the audience. we need to push professionals surfing towards a mix martial surfing event. Sponges, knee boards, short and long boards. SUP’s, canoes, buttskis, bodysurfers and airmatts.
Let the sport morph on it’s own where the better styles rise to the top. just like the UFC has done over the years.
Everything and every body, mixing it up.
Just like surfing at Byron Bay.
parko’s gonna fuck it up. he surfs amazing. but he’s parko.
Tony, I think I’ve told you this before but you aren’t a good listener for being a genius, so I’ll repeat one last time: I’m not a writer. I’ve never wanted to be a writer. I’ve never tried to be a writer. I’ve never claimed to be a writer. I never will be “a writer”. I don’t get paid to write. See. Just like you!
I’m a goddamn surf photographer. One of the lowest forms of life, in one of the lowest forms of industries. But you… you’re just a blogger who talks heaps of shit, yet has never once backed it up once by doing anything. That and you’re way too concerned about what I do. That makes you even lower than me, which is bad, but also funny. ahahaha! I love you man! Send me some emails sometime. I get bored every once in a while and love a laugh. jimmy@surfingmagazine.com
Tony K., Your comment to Mark (5:13 pm) was out of line.
Your a fool.
I still kind of think UFC is a bunch of tough guys beating the shit out of each other….and all these dudes are walking around out there. Yikes, I’m getting a gun. Sorry….I like to drink and I get a little loud sometimes……I’m sorry, bud……
I do think Mark is funny and I also think Tony Kucoach is really Stu when Stu doesn’t have the balls to say what he really feels.
Parko is a beautiful surfer to watch but it is very possible Tahiti will be a throwaway. If Slater makes the semi’s or better there I think we have a race.
Good decision to change Brazil to earlier in the year so everyone shows up. They are a pack of dogs down there but you cannot deny their passion for the sport.
One last thing. I have inside information that Stu is a kook.
Hey Ballz, FUCK YOU! I’ve been in the surf industry longer than your mom has been giving five dollar blow jobs in Compton. The D in Dave stands for DON’T FUCK WITH DAVE STANFIELD. Get that straight bitches! I WILL take the time to come down from the media tent to put my foot directly in your mother-fucking ass. I don’t care if it’s Slater v. Dane in the finals. I will put my mother fucking foot in your mother fucking ass.
http://espn.go.com/action/news/story?id=4092753
Good read Myles, thanks for pointing it out. KS is now approaching the historical ego-driven kookiness of an aging and aimless done it all Tinseltown legend. Would any of you care to come up with a “Wacko Jacko” epithet for Slats. I’m creatively impotent. (and have an overabundance of (self) righteous indignation)
Now, for some of the latter. Seriously, hasn’t surfing grown enough in one generation? Yes, Burkhard and Soderquist and the Malloys and California Day and….. god, yes , we can all go find that little beachy soul sesh … blah blah blah… but the reality is, is that there are more people surfing the same number of spots and that the “secondary spots” that you might have scored alone in the past are no longer secondary. What does this mean? That average surfers with insight and commitment no longer have their soul seshes with the same frequency. Why, because.. everyone wants to be KS. Kool kids are dropping out and doing home study and hitting the Mentawis or wherever at the age of 14 without any sacrifice at all. There are all these surf coaches and trainers… And the non-surf media (NYT included!) is still completely surf struck. Dear KS, please back off man. What you owe to surfing is not to be the best surfer that ever lived but to accept that you are one of many. Chill out dude, the world is not Rincon, OC Malibu or wherever the surf/ Hollywood industrial complex industry pisses and makes its mark. (Who owns FUEL … 20th C. Fox!) The world respects you, you might think about giving back some of that respect in a less self-aggrandizing way. If KS wants to do good things for pro surfing, might he also see the implications for non-pro surfing. (”We don’t need another hero, we don’t need to know the way home, All we want is life beyond thunderdome” (or the surf parks and artificial waves)
Is it just me or do any of you wish that the Genie could be put back in the bottle?
I miss Blashemy Rottmouth.
I’m curious whether Blasphemy Rottmouth’s abscence means Lewis Samuels’ abscence as well. No one’s seen them in the same room, have they?
And wow. I never would have guessed what a vulgar bastard Dave Stanfield is.
I’m surprised Slats didn’t have editorial rights to cut that video clip out of the ESPN interview. It’s hilarious hearing him tout this new design and then gaggin it in two foot slop. He did the same thing at Snapper in the heat he lost out in.
Wow jimmicane looks like another thing you’re not got at is psychology. Thanks for the indepth interpretation of my post but like your photos and articles it sucked.
I didn’t read the Slater article as him trying to figure out a way to get more people surfing or make spots more crowded. Sorry, that’s not his fault. If it, then why are you on here following the tour? I read the article as Slater’s thoughts on how to make the tour better. Part of that is marketing. An interview booth for the competitors post-heat would be good. Better than listening to the webcasters fill time. And he’s right, it’s more interesting when you know about the competitors’ personality. That’s part of what makes Lewis Samuels’ writing so compelling.
In fact, I agree with nearly everything he says in the article. One more tour stop on the Mainland (Steamer Lane? Rincon?)? Check. Encourage expirimental surfing? Check. Eliminate sponsors’ control of the events? Check. Trim the top 45 to eliminate scrubs? Check.
But he does bog it pretty bad on that turn at Rincon.
Yup, I’ll be coming back here for more. Nice work.
Yeates is correct. Slater (who’s If I were President rant in one of the mags recently was filled with similar nonesnse) wants to take control of the comps away from sponsors but then proposes to move the comps closer to the industry. His fruity scoring ideas would never work and, most glaringly, he fails to understand that surfing is not, and never will be, a mainstream sport. People in Iowa don’t give a shit about surfing and they never will. On the flip side, everyone, whether an old white guy, a young black guy or anyone in between, can understand the rush and challenge associated with a cage fight. Same goes for jumping motorcycles - you don’t need to live anywhere in particular to ride a bike. Lastly, and maybe it’s because sponsors and mags have been kissing his ass for nearly three decades now, Slater doesn’t understand that outside the water, he and all of his friends, are a fairly boring bunch. Slater should just shut up and surf like the industry monkey he is.
I don’t think I like the implications of the statement by stu… “everyone, whether an old white guy, a young black guy or anyone in between, can understand the rush and challenge associated with a cage fight.” Geography obviously limits appreciation of surfing. Race does not.
And stu’s right. Nobody cares about Slater outside the water. That’s why we’re not talking about his thoughts right now. What a spoiled arse for wanting post-heat interviews and coverage of surfers’ personas.
Let me see if I have this right. Slater, 9 time world champ, should shut up about the tour. Meanwhile we should all listen to stu, who apparently has interesting friends.
Sounds to me like Stu is the 9 time world champ of being disliked on Post Surf. Only difference is Stu has never had a super model for a girlfriend and he doesn’t surf very well.
you had to bring up buckner?
why not throw in a bucky dent for good measure. a-hole
I hesitate to ask this in Blasphemy’s abscence, but what’s the connection between midget wreslters and Jordy? And would anyone like to elaborate on the CJ photo?
Dear Ballz,
The midget wrestlers bear distinct facial features that Jordy also shares. The broadness of the nose and the wide set eyes, for instance. These facial features are also present in Down Syndrome affected people, but for different reasons. But what is Lewis/BR trying to say with this? Some analysts have interpreted this as meaning that it would take a whole team of Midget Wrestlers to manhandle Jordy to the ground, in which case the Midget Wrestlers are the rest of the tour. Even though the Brazilians speak Portuguese, they are still part of South America and the wrestlers are Mexican. Draw your own conclusions there.
Other analysts working on decoding this triumph by Mr Samuels have noted that Jordy is also seen as a physical freak, a Down Syndrome baby that is six-foot two. The use of Midget Wrestlers instead of a Down Syndrome affected person is what is called a ‘MacGuffin’ In the film world, it’s a plot device that while has little meaning, has the effect of making us think it’s important.
CJ?
CJ is simply a cross-dresser who looks to the Lord for a cure.
just wait till they put wave machines in lakes.
Marlon Lipke is my favorite on the WCT. Germans love me.
Well, Mark, you’re only 1/2 right (I’ll let you consider which part you missed). But, Slater’s never had a wife and kids waiting for him at home. And, unlike Kelly, I have all my hair, no acne pocks and my daddy loved (and still loves) me, so I still win. I actually thought you’d be on my side on this one after kelly’s uber-liberal spout off in the mag a while ago, which pretty much showed the depth of his thought (or lack thereof) on matters big and small, but I guess your hero-worship (there’s another one of those things God hates, yet you’re right on it, again…hope you enjoy Hades pal) is still blinding you a bit. I’d love to surf like him but wouldn’t trade places for all the high-school diplomas hanging on your wall.
And, sorry Ballz, you’re right. Didn’t mean to tie my example to any sort of race argument/limit. But in all seriousness, let’s say they give you full coverage of surfers’ personas. Do you expect it’ll be different than what you get on Surfline? Do you expect you’ll care what Greg Emslie eats for breakfast or what he does on his time off back in East London? They’ve got this on tv now - it’s call firsthand on Fuel TV and it’s as boring as all fuck (except when Rasta’s van gets broken into…that was classic). Or go to the Hobgoblins’ blog and get bored off your skull there. You want interesting surfers you need to look well outside the tour.
I can understand the things about me that you dislike Stu. I know and admit my faults. But to sit there behind your little veil of anonymity and talk about Slaters dad, who died of cancer, not loving him really shows us all what a true piece of shit you really are. I am surprised Lewis printed that.
I would hereby like to initiate a movement to ban Stu from Post Surf. He is bringing this site down and it would be in everyones best interest if this heartless kook was banished back to commenting on Transworld and Surflines blogs only.
So it is written. So it shall be done.
Stu, you are one lame small wienered dude who obviously has no wife and kids waiting at home.
You are a waste of cyberspace
Marky Mark Mark…..
Your Christian world is black and white, reactionary. “Quit” was your signature, now “Ban”. Does everything have to be final?
Distasteful opinion is free expression. Freedom isn’t qualified. The real world is shades of grey. It’s ok, debate is a function of growth. Faith rarely is.
Nice top of the rankings, but not great. More ammunition for failing seeds than those with scoreboard.
Parko is brilliant…… and will wilt. There is only one “Manny Ramirez” on this tour, clutch. Although Jordy may be on his way, the victim of Stu’s poison pen can “turn it on”.
Maybe not on that kneeboard……
After we ban Stu, let’s burn the books! Burn them I say!
That’s what I was going to say.
I think Stu is suffering from a severe case of penis envy (mine) and should probably banned from post surf.
actually it’s no secret that Kelly and his dad had issues up until just days before he died. It’s one of the things that has driven Kelly. Surprised a “fan” like you didn’t know that, Mark.
Mike, don’t blame Mark for his shortcomings. His bible tells him that life is black and white. College might have opened his eyes a bit, but alas, he appears to be happily stuck in his safe little pretend world. I can only imagine what he would have demanded from me had I mentioned the out-of-wedlock daughter Kelly had but didn’t really bother sticking around to help raise! Despite his harsh words though, Mark’s proven by his several failed attempts to quit this site that nothing he does is really final.
After we ban Stu and burn the books, can we dress up like women and take pictures?
Can we burn the torture memos too?
That was not “Distasteful expression”. What Stu said could only come from the mouth of a COWARD who is frightened to death of giving us an inkling of who he is or where is from. That is because he is AFRAID to voice his opinion if he has to defend it in any way other than anonymously.
I have let people know where I am from and where I live. If you spent time on the North Shore and snooped around you could find me and I would recite every opinion I have on this blog right to your face.If you were out at Laniakea on Thursday I probably said hello to you.
I will not blurt out my last name and my address simply because some anonymous liberal will probably start crank calling my home and freak out my wife and kids but I am not AFRAID of exposure like Stu is.
Stu needs to pull out his tampon, grab a hold of his stinky vagina and say that he is sorry to the 9 time world champ. Anything less should result in a complete and total ban.
Mark, this isn’t a political website brother
You sound like a tool as well talking about liberals, well you sound like a fat white drug user from florida actually
Conservatives crank call too ya haole
Mark, no need for directions to your place. We know exactly where you live after your last couple of posts. I’m sure the humidity is terrible but is the smell really as bad as they say down there under Mr. Slater’s nut sack?
Just because he is the 9x champ and superhuman on a surfboard does not put him above moral reproach…you of all people should at least a basic understanding of moral principles, or did you skip that chapter in the good book?
Stu, it looks like you have an angry mob on your hands. Everybody put your pitchforks down and take deep breaths. Stu should not be banned.
You may be right that the WCT would market pros in surflinesque fashion, and that would be lame. But, as a matter of fact, I would like to know what Emslie eats for breakfast (something delicious I hope). We’re oversaturated with Hobgoods and Slater here, but I wouldn’t mind learning more about some of the overseas guys. As much as I hate saying this, I suspect some of the Brazis have good stories. And I’d like to know more about Bourez. I don’t know too much about Kekoa. What does he eat for breakfast? A lot apparently.
I guess the tour wouldn’t give us the good stuff like Lewis does. They probably wouldn’t market CJ as a cross-dresser, Mick and Picon as chupacabras, Wardo as a drunken assaulter of manatees or Jordy as a cougar-ass pounder. Nevertheless, I think the ASP could do a bit more. All it does now is put out an extremely brief fact sheet about each pro on its website.
Slats isn’t perfect, but he rips and has been around the tour a long time. And he’s certainly as capable of formulating and articulating a coherent thought as anyone on tour. Thus, his opinions, though certainly not above reproach, deserve to be heard.
In other individual sports, like tennis, golf, and athletics, who does more to promote the athletes to the general public, the brands (Nike, Addidas, Puma) or the governing bodies of those sports? I think the answer is the brands!
So, go easy on the ASP and the way they communicate the surfers images to the world at large. The governing body’s job is to run the tours and to communicate the professional image of the sport. It is not to promote the athletes individually. That is the job of the individual surfer and his sponsors.
Just a reminder, the ASP really is 50% surfers votes and 50% contest organizer votes (of which the majority are held by the industry brands: Quiksilver, Billabong and Rip Curl). So, when you bag on the ASP, just remember who you are really bagging on, the surfers and the brands themselves. The surfers have their own website (worldprosurfers.com), as do each of the brands, and many surfers have their own blogs… Yet nobody seems to have the solution. The real “problem” is that the masses around the world could care less about surfing, and until they do, we’ll never be able to attract “real” sponsorship money that would allow the brands to disengage from organizing the majority of the events, which would then allow the surfers to truly set about changing the professional competitive aspect of the sport. Having said that, even amongst the surfers, there are too many conflicting and changing opinions to really come to an agreement on a system that is fair for everyone… Just ask that guy from the Da Hui video!
Dave Mailman,
Well stated. No question marketing is different in the individual sports compared with team sports. You’re correct, the sponsors do the vast majority of it.
To be fair, I wasn’t bagging on the ASP. I simply think they can do a bit more than putting out bare-bones background facts on their website. Maybe they are doing more. If they are, I’m unaware of it, which speaks to its efficacy.
I have no problem bagging on the surfers and their sponsors. I can’t get enough of it actually, which is one of the reasons I like reading Lewis Samuels. It’s even more fun when you know more about the surfers.
I just didn’t think the criticism of Slater as spouting off at the mouth is legitimate. And I think it’s absurd to suggest he should shut up about the tour.
I don’t think what I’m talking about would necessarily involve the paradigm shift you contemplate requiring the masses and real sponsorship money. I guess that’s what Slater is looking for, and there I depart from his views. I don’t give a rat’s ass about them earning more money.
What I think I’m talking about is at least a more informative website requiring minimal resources. I guess we’ll still only get what the surfers and sponsors want us to know a la surfline. So maybe it’s all crap. Which makes this site all the more relevant.
This website is killing my billables. Any advice on cutting back? I’m like Mark, I see the computer in the corner and all I can hear is Lewis and the rest of you wackos beckoning.
In no other athletic medium are the participants so insulated from criticism. Essentially, the pros are treated as they are, marketing vehicles. The commercial interests that support this tour manage that image and the individualism that surfing once extolled is suffocated for a precious few’s financial concern.
Take the NFL…. it is an independent commercial product with the peripheral incomes ( Nike, etc) sponsoring the base product instead of becoming the product.
Kelly Slater surfs better than I do. But does that imply that I can’t criticize him? Melvin Durslag won pulitzers questioning The Dodgers, Rams and Lakers, yet he was nearly blind, wheelchair bound and never touched the field himself. He could be honest in his observation, he wasn’t part and parcel of the Leagues genuine principle.
Mr Lewis Samuels publicly learned that lesson, he is only as viable as the corporations deem him in what has become mainstream….. which would have been an insulting term in my youth.
A once proud art ( surfing ) that held a strict code of participation ( localism ) and was founded on counter culture lifestyle has been kidnapped and marketed to a exponentially growing demo of humans that would never have been engaged had it not been for disingenuous marketing campaigns ( Quik, BBong, etc). They sold our lives as the new dream ( Blue Crush).
Now you have indoctrinated youth paying extra to advertise their favorite brand to further expose their best interest, if they surf. Add in surf schools ( the “new” child care ), advertising ( Volcom series ) and a totatl lack of code enforcement and well attended chaos is our collective future.
Yeah! Wait, whose house are we burning?
The most interesting stories in Surfing are gagged. Volcom going public ( criminal ), Billabong Pipe house drugs and alcohol with pre teen minors, ongoing urban pollution issues in “surf city”, Crack in Hanalei, Quiksilver’s Mc Night awarded waterman of the year ( multi million dollar company that supports nothing but itself )….
Considering the subterfuge, Kelly Slater’s humanity is transparent, conflicted and human. The icon of the icon genuinely on display and experimenting….. with an occasional failure to remind us all that trying is no guarantee. Possibly the only honest story in surfing…. he’s transcended the marketing despite being under it’s constant spotlight.
I nominate Mike for comment of the week.
Is Blashemy Rottmouth home yet? And are you telling me someone who makes big money like he claims he and his wife do can’t afford a laptop?
Is he on a boat surfing one of those passes in the Great Barrier Reef? Is he in Humbolt planting his Spring crop? Is he in REHAB?
WHERE IS BLASHEMY ROTTMOUTH?
The same place Lewis Samuels is.
Is anyone else kind of freaked out by the fact that Blasphemy Rottmouth signed off by wishing all of us “pig-fuckers” adieu? Shortly thereafter swine flu sent the world into a panicked frenzy. That’s some clairvoyant shit right there. And does anyone know if you can get it by fucking pigs? I may need to get tested.
Mike, good stuff mate.
The fact that Kelly is human IS a pretty good story. Most of us forget that he’s not an alien or some sort of lab-produced gnome. As for some of the other conspiracy stuff here (sparked by Lewis of course), I am calling complete bullshit. Parko is unquestionably surfing the best this year. And like LS and many others here, I am a ridiculous fan of pro surfing and think the judges get it right 98% of the time. And that includes Kelly’s mantle and Fanning’s one-hit wonder. Parko got serious in the off-season, and will be tough to beat. But as one other bloke poignantly pointed out, he is Parko. A Kelly or Mick win at Chopes could rattle him. And we all know he is not immune to 17th’s.
And as an aside, I am becoming increasingly skeptical that BR and LS are actually two different people. But that is a bit of a lame debate in my opinion, so I will just leave it at that.
Great that I find your blog. The Surfline’s “new & improved” Power Rankings sucks.
I’m a Brazzo, as you say, but I like your writing anyways. Like “Jihad’s caddy was deeper than him at Chope’s” was hilarious.
Keep on bro.
wrong e-mail, now it’s ok
Mark is praying for a Blasphemy Rotto sighting……
Does anyone else wonder now why he believes in a God?
1972, Alambama swamp and little Mark wonders when Santa is coming.
Well, I’ll tell you my fine, christian friend, the chosen one is now exclusive to his own blog…..
BlasphemyRottomouth.com! Burn up the server, boys.
If Chopes is serious, both Joel and Mick are likely early exits. Andy and Kelly should see the Hobbits in the semi’s unless one of the frontside Ozzy’s, Freddie or Bobby step up. Specialty waves attract a different moth to the flame.
No atheists in the foxholes, Mike. Also no atheists during a clean-up set at Waimea.
Tony seems to pay a lot of attention to jimmicane but doesn’t actually know what magazine he works at. what a tool. The comments on this website suck shit. I used to like it but now it’s all just blabbering garbage. It only took a few useless people to ruin it. Tony is one of them
Jimmicane works for surfing, not surfer. Nicely done
“Jimmicane . . . aka Jimmy Wilson. Go back to sleep at your desk at surfermag.gay or go back to St. Augustine teaching 3rd graders. Don’t come on here acting bad bitch! After your gay as fuck gator football article in a surfing magazine. Stu is a much better writer than you’ll ever be.”
Excellent as usual. It seems the ASP’s explanation for inexplicable scores is that they usually get the surfer who surfed the better heat to the next round. If that is the case, why give scores & tell surfers what they need? Why not just watch the video replay of the best 2 waves & score them together?
Now fricken Stu has gone missing. I was just messin with you little buddy. Don’t go gettin your panties in a bunch and really quit. It isn’t all it is cracked up to be. Trust me.
I forgot: the take on the “Curran” family was genius.
Hey Mike you better ease up bro. I hear SmyrnaJeff would be willing to wear a Crimson Tide rashguard the entire trip if I took him to the Ments instead of you. Play nice dude or you will be replaced quicker than Surfline replaced LS.
Mike has hinted multiple times about the issues with Volcom going public, and it being criminal. Whats the deal? the whole thing was necessary to pay back Quik for the seed money in the first place, and also to slip shares into McKnight’s trust without anybody knowing. EVERYONE knows that Volcom was what Quik wanted to be, but never could - pseudo “outside” the industry “wildmen” who dont give a shit, wxcept for the fact that its all an act. I want to hear what else Mike knows, i bet its pretty interesting…
Nice try “dried up” and fairly close.
Who lent Wooly the money and who lent Wooly the art direction?
Now, the “investor” lives in seclusion in Montecito, hiding from the sunlight. Ironic, because if he was indicted, he’d be hiding from the sunlight…. but in a not so glamourous zip code and a much smaller space.
Nice projection into the CEO”s trust, an angle I never considered because of such a glaring other thread. But that would explain the generosity shown after such blatant conflict of interest.
When you want to write this story, L, you’ll find the leads Bob Woodward style and you know how to get ahold of me.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUNDING FROM A DRUG DEALER??? NO!!! How smart is Volcom, take the money from a shady source, then act like shady “dudes” and take the whole image way over the top. No one would ever think that a bunch of surf brobrahs acting like drug addicts would actually be funded by the profits. I like Mike, in fact, I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be like Mike. Lewis, let Mike write a guest column about what he knows. its time to blow the top off of the phony marketing world of pro surfing. especially because volcom is traded publicly.
My apologies Mark, I was distracted in thought.
I will wear any color trunks you wish, I hate rash guards. Paint a fucking confederate flag or Bush’s face, I won’t care as I’m stroking into overhead Rifles and my wife can always photoshop the indiscretion out of the photo’s you’ll be taking of me from the channel.
Glory to Mark in the highest and peace to his people on earth. May Mark turn this bread ( fantasy league ) into wine ( boat trip ) and even Judas ( me) will find peace . Amen.
Haven’t felt so pious since Catholic high school. A good education, but at what price?
Besides, Symrna Jeff has already admitted to being gay ( on Blasphemy’s website ) and those sleeping berths are quite small.
No, Dried up, the drugs are being stuffed down children’s throats at Billabong house down the street from Mark. That’s the house I am aware of, but as you know, Billy is hardly a leader so I’d expect no less from the Chase Manhattan’s….. errrr Vco.
Consider this, if Chris Mauro (Surfer) was writing and doing the art direction for Chris Cote, how would Prime Media feel about that? Maybe Mauro’s wife lends Cote seed money despite the fact that Mauro has an executive investment in Surfer?
Cote hits it big, TWS goes public and Halliburton now owns the “rebel” brand. All of Cote’s past credit comes back to haunt him…. as in loans he never imagined paying off and an entire inner circle of “bro’s” becomes estranged and rich simutaneiously.
Sounds unlikely, but the Cote’ of this metaphor was rather shrewd and avoided getting high publicly with aerisol cans of Cool Whip.
Drug profits funding legitimate businesses? You mean legitimate businesses cleaning money. That does not happen. And (insert marginally known surf co. here) sells a million t-shirts a year.
Don’t tell me Mike. Your wife makes big money part time doing photo work. What is it with these commenters who have spouses making big dough? My wife is a homemaker. Every penny we have is from my lame ass salesman paycheck.
We need to put out an APB or MIA or something on our man Stu. I am feeling a tad guilty about my tampon rampage yesterday and I would hate to be responsible for someone doing the unthinkable.
Stu Rocks!!!! Ban Mark
Surfing, Surfer is the same ASG bullshit.
Mike -
is that why eckert and woolcott aint so tight no mo?
I like your style dude.
DU, money is evil, the false god that book of fairy tales warns you about worshipping. Greed without a finish line. And surfers are not immune. Money is freedom to me, not an ability to consume.
The surf industry has worked against our collective best interest all along, selling out the fantasy version of our lifestyle for immediate profit. I was fortunate to grow up in a time when we had open spaces and no attention. Yeah, we had to ride shitty boards that are now repackaged as candy and more popular than when we experimneted on them.
Consider the courting of the female market. 50% of the population oblivious to our art. I’m not against girls surfing, would’ve saved my first marriage, but I am against a massive integration of huge numbers of participants that have not been introduced to the code that defined our learning phase. Like I’ve written before, ignorant chaos is the future. Our “industry” marched into that marketing campaign without the slightest consideration of a future of diminishing returns. But they scored cash and it’s never enough.
Mark, please refrain from reckless projection. The abiltiy to use photoshop doesn’t necessarily suggest wealth. My wife teaches yoga and runs the center…… but came from an advertising background in editing. Yoga is not wildly profitable, advertising was. My former career was wildly profitable, unemployment is not. We chose freedom from money ( responsiblity to money ) and live in freedom with all the skills that money afforded us.
The best time in modern history to be debt free and poor is now…… happy. Now if the surf would just get rideable, I could quit posting!
How much do I owe you Mark for writing that word?
Sorry, Marky. God doesn’t like me using the Sabbath for wasteful things such as PostSurf debates. If I recall, you started the God debate by suggesting some Godly feel-good bullshit book to Lewis. For what’s in store for you and the rest of the “Christian when convenient” folks out there, see the book “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn. Based on what I’ve seen here, you’re not making the cut my friend.
Re the Slater topic, if you cut the field to 24, and then focus a heavy PR slant on them, you’ll run out of interesting things to say in a mater of moments. While they’re typically nice, funny guys, anyone who’s known pros will tell you that instead of being more there than meets the eye, there’s usually much, much less. The really interesting guys in surfing are not the guys on tour, but the guys like Brian Connely, who do it day in and day out whether you’re watching or not. The ASP will never be anything more than what it already is and surfing will stay (as it should) a curiosity to a large majority of the world no matter how much you market it.
I love Occy’s mum, and stu, Mark and Mike are kind of cool, too… Talk to you guy’s soon! Probably, when I’m back from Scotland, ’cause the it’s kind of the end of the earth up there and the internet connection doesn’t always work! Say HI to BR for me if he comes back from vacation before me!
Cheers from the UK! First round of whiskey is on me!
Well Lew, you mind if I can you Lew? I mean it is my third post and all so I feel like we are on an abbreviated name basis. I have to give you credit where credit is do in regards to surfline completely making a mockery out of the power rankings, and making you actually seem like an intelligent and gifted writer. Hell they made you look like a halfway poetic linguist. After seeing those rankings and reading a solid two paragraphs, I realized that you leaving surfline was merely a gift from God to help save whatever IQ points you have left that had not been vacuumed by the uneducated “little brains” over there. If they want to do themselves a favor, they should just have Dane Reynolds or Clay Marzo do the power rankings so they have an actual excuse for sounding retarded. That was mean, I’m sorry, but…no i’m not sorry. Dane has an anchor tattooed on his chest that represents the drowning of his brain waves and Marzo well, is just special.
Stu wrote:
“Guys like Brian Connely, who do it day in and day out whether you’re watching or not.”
Wow…
To give this contrived, self promoting seed farmer any kind of relevance compared to the top 24 surfers on the world tour is beyond comprehension. He gets barrelled… big fuckin deal… so do 10,000 other people we’ve never heard of. You know why we never heard of them? Because they dont have a camera mounted on everything they own and make videos / take photos of themselves. BC is a photo slut of the worst kind.. cause he is stroking himself!
I went on for a while longer… but then I backspaced it…Guess this one hit a nerve, sorry Stu … I would like to hear peoples thoughts on the subject of the Rastas, Connellys, Ozzies, Alex Knost etc.. and their supposed “soul” with the cameras rolling 24-7??!! Is’nt “soul icon” a contradiction?
I do understand the sellout issue with Brian a bit. I don’t see Rasta or Knost packing up and hitting Mex for months on end though and I get the feeling he’d be doing the same thing whether he made money or not (which brings up the next issue…Brian’s family is fucking loaded so he probably hasn’t given anything up to chase waves…maybe he was a bad example, but hopefully you get the point). You’re right though - there are thousands of really interesting guys in the line up. My point was only that the stories you get on the pros will always be filtered, whether there are 24 or 44 of them and whether it’s the sponsors or ASP feeding you the lines.