Recently someone asked me if Laird Hamilton’s big wave exploits were the result of meth-fueled courage.
“How the fuck should I know?” I replied. “But I think no. Laird doesn’t need meth – he’s high enough on himself.”
Hamilton and his wife make up an Aryan uber-couple that TMZ calls them "," noting "Surf stud Laird Hamilton and his volleyball babe wife Gabrielle Reece are a perfect fit. Check out their matching abs!"
How HOT are they?
Mere mortals cannot stand next to Laird and his statuesque wife Gabby without suffering bizarre consequences. See the photo below.
They’re so hot that this poor bitch’s tits are trying to mutiny and join their marriage. Homegirl's wonky implants are fleeing the scene - one is headed for the natural beauty of Reece’s chest, while the other has chosen to side with Laird’s stern masculinity. Her tits are farther apart than Jordy's eyes.
Poor Laird appears well aware that there’s a price to be paid for parlaying a love of surfing into mainstream fame – and I'd imagine this fuckery is merely a glimpse at that cost.
me likey….
Laird’s clean. Kala’s not.
what ever you do,…
don’t call him Lairdo!
Isn’t that Andy Warhol?
that bird’s got room for a third tit bag right there!
although we would all be denied a goo laugh at her expense,… she should demand a refund for that hideous tit kit.
can you see it? in the ever so slight corner of his eye, Laird is digging a freak peek.
Who is this unnamed queen of the tit monkeys?
This surgical disaster is known as a “refund gap”. The huge gap between some woman’s fake boobs that is so big that they should get their money back from their doctor.
Isn’t that Lance Burkhart? I heard he break his stick he shreds so hard.
I don’t like Laird.
He has to ride big waves/uncommon equipment so no one can see how retarded he looks when he surfs.
“Burkhart, get your own damn wave!”
Threesome. As in just completed.
Warhol fucked a girl!!!!!?
Don’t blame the original for the legions of morons trying to follow, E.
I hope he never rides a retro fish or every lineup is doomed. Limp dicks desperate to look hard. Laird fans.
lmfao. Well done Lewis.
Where to begin!?
I must ponder…
Laird Hamilton’s thought bubble the minute this picture was taken:
I can’t wait to get home to my fully oxygenated living room. You know, the particular one that’s upholstered in Llama esophagus; where I chill and listen to Air Supply and Dan Fogleberg while dining on eggplant and various mints and breakfast cereals.
Laird mütherfückin’ Hamiltön is so hardcore, that when he was born, the walls of the delivery room spontaneously began growing hair. They’re still shaving those walls today.
Plus, he sweats ninja stars. So shits awright.
Is it weird that I’m having strange urges to dry-hump an otter’s sternum? After it was run over with a bulldozer?
The chick in the middle has a face that, while somewhat attractive, has a chest that somehow reminds me of the front-end of a 1973 Ford pickup.
Seriously, her tittays are so far apart they’re massaging her spine. Furthermore, her bewbays look like a pair of iguana eyes that mated with a set of lambchops.
Kids, this is what happens when you get driftwood implants.
I thought this was the red carpet pictures from the premiere of ‘Chucky XVI: Brides of BowlCunts.’ Okay… that went too far.
… but seriously, I would bang all three of these chicks.
It’s late, my dick is chapped, and I’m only halfway through Gabrielle’s ‘unsafe’ Google pictures. I gotta petition the Gatorade folks to start bundling hand lotion in their cases for the big box stores; that’d be two frequent aisles I wouldn’t have to wear my shoes down on.
L8.
I love the word “fuckery.”
First ever post to any website. I like this one.
@Just a Surfer,
‘Sall good homie. Welcome aboard.
Just make yourself a stupid name like ‘Thurston A. Fuggery’ and start posting redonkulous comments like:
“This picture of behemoth broads isn’t doing it for me. I’m more into Amish porn; where they, you know, show bare ankles and stuff.”
“Train Wreck” is all I can come up with. How many tabs did you ingest Rot? I feel like I did the first time I saw my sister groping on the porch with some Auburn fan when she was fifteen. Kinda queasy.
That kid shes holding in the photo is only 6 months old and almost 3 feet tall, holy shit.
u seen jamie o in da jcpenny catalog?
the only thing in that photo more inflated than that woman’s breasts is Laird Hamilton’s monstrous head. how me manages to ride waves with a watermelon between his shoulders is a miracle of physics. Great hair cut though — looks expensive — he must of paid with his American Express card. You ever notice that old Laird never appears in the media any more unless he is doing something ridiculously contrived so that young, wealthy, well bred folk will love him? Here I’m thinking of SUPing the English channel. Whatever worthy cause he is fundraising for is always overshadowed by him flexing in front of the camera for publicity shots that have a distinct resemblance to communist propaganda. Is that Lenin, or Laird?
I wonder why he was attending the event in question. Flexing for breast cancer awareness, perhaps.
Off topic but here goes. Whomever suggested Lewis should check himself for fear of a lawsuit from Surfline is a little off base. Surfline does not have the intellectual rights to the Power Rankings. You can’t copyright an idea. That’s why you’ll see all of the different sport magazines offering their own power rankings in a variety of sports. Also, if Lewis or anyone else says that surfline is a sponsor ball-licking fuckery, he is not liable for slander (actually libel…slander is spoken, libel is written). Number 1, truth is an absolute defense to defamation (libel or slander). Number 2, it is quite difficult to maintain a defamation action based on the assertion of an opinion (see the 1st Amendment). Number 3, the standards for defamation as to public figures are quite high. Number 4, as someone already stated, you can’t take blood from a turnip. There’s no point in suing someone if they don’t have significant assets.
All of that to say, continue on your course Lewis. Full spead ahead. If Surfline wants to sue you, I suspect you will have attorneys to help you. It would be great PR.
Rottmouth, I resemble that remark.
would, would, might.
Re: Cote’s “would, would, might”
Might be the funniest thing Cote has ever written.
And, yes. It’s funny because it’s true.
Countdown to Blasphemy’s description of Cote’s night with Laird: 9, 8, 7…
6, 5, 4, 3…
Yeah Lew dog. Since you’ve gone this far at inciting the surf world you might as well throw the Hawaiians into the fire too. I think there was one surf journo that had the balls to write not so rosy stuff about them back in the 80’s but I can’t remember his name. With the Hawaiians you would have a ton of subject matter. Who cares if you can never go to Hawaii again. There are better waves with less hassles elsewhere as you know.
Possible topics
+Eddie Rothman’s rise to Hui General as a jew from Ohio- yes this it true.
+Joint article on Ice with Flea. What’s better- Hawaiian ice or stuff from CA’s central valley?
+Mickey Nielsen gets out of prison soon. Probably a good story there about all of the north shore assets seized and big players
+Jaime Obrien interview. Just ask why his hat is crooked all of the time.
Chris Cote sucks Hobgoblin ballz
I seem to recall that Eddie Rothman was from that soot-filled bastion of hell known as Pico Rivera
Last night, Chris Cote slathered Laird’s lower lip with ambergris and distilled roses, using only a hedgehog’s quill, while whistling Dixie in Cantonese and recanting his legendary tales of epic paddle-battles with Rick Kane in the wading pools behind the Wal-Mart in Poughkeepsie, Arkansas.
Unfortunately, Laird’s eyes soon began to flutter open after the chloroform wore off; and in a soothing, yet desperate voice, Chris tried to explain to Laird that the foam that was frothing from his mouth was merely the result of an unfortunate accident involving a rabid Chihuahua named Alejandro… which had nothing at all -whatsoever - to do with the creeping stain on the bulging crotch of his pants. To which Laird only replied, “Dude, you mussed up my hair!”
Exasperated, Chris finally gave up and went to stand in the corner - patiently waiting for the sound of approaching sirens.
(Do not ask how I know this, because I will not tell.)
He’s back! Nice one BR.
” That was a 7.8 on the Rotten scale.
Leave Chris alone. What he and I do on our own time is nobody’s business.
I think her tits are angry at each other.
Yeah, please respect their privacy!
Incidentally, you haven’t lived until you’ve had a gill job from Hannah.
F you Bru.
Blasphemy, you are on some Pittsburgh steak shit man. I don’t know how you come up with that raw rad ramble posting. It grows on you like scabbies in a Jaco hostel newlywed suite.
I heard Mike and his wife stayed in that honeymoon suite on their 3 week Costa Rica funboarding trip.
His wife took a picture of Mike jumping up and down on the nasty bed but she had to photoshop the wall stains out of the picture.
The wonders of photoshop and digital. Your boy Andre Smith is going to make the Bengals really happy and they got that gnarly island style linebacker from USC somehow in the 2nd round also. Glenn Coffee was a steal for the 49ers in the 3rd. Wished the Jags could of stole him. Was hoping chronic Percy would still be there but the Jags are over the hoodlums and it’s all about character which sounds good.
Roll Tide Richbzztch!
Laird Hamilton’s middle name is ‘Gloria.’ However, it is pronounced ‘Blake Pig-Iron.’
True Story.
Lewis, would you please start a Trestles QS Slog Blog, or do we have to wait until it’s over? So much to make fun of…
If you start a QS blog, I will never check this site again.
ooops
shit happens.
To be written off by Blasphemy Rottmouth is like getting a slow hour-long lotion handjob from jessica Alba—awesome.
I’ll take Gabby & Laird vs any two WCT fukwads in 2-on-2 hoops.
It would be fun to watch Gabby post up on Slater and drop 20 on ol’ chrome dome.
You should start a combo nssa-surfing America-Aussie Pro Junior series blog. I want to know more about the Gieselmanns and Dale Richards and Nat Young.
Chris Cote,
Where does that leave Surfer and Surfing? Does that make Transworld number 1? When can I expect my next catalog?
I think the chick’s boobs are moving apart because if you look closely, there’s a little blonde head that’s probably used to nestling in there.
Ballz to the wallz
you can expect it monthly in your mailbox.
Catalogs for everybody!
i think she does have a 3rd tit….something weird growing out of the center of her chest….maybe it’s a target??? surfline rules….
If her boobs had seen that scene in thicker than water where Laird gets spit out of that cavernous chopes wave, you know the one where they add the fade to white light like he was shat out of heavens own vag, they would both pull to him
first we have Laird going all full leftie, artisy fartsy, and rocking the Andy Warhol look… and then Rob Machado looking to audition for the Caveman commercials redux.
And now this chick with tits for pit?
Fareaks!
Her cleave. is almost as wide as that barrel
You could hang an S.U.P. paddle between those sweater cows.
i dont want to admit that i know this, BUT, that chick in the picture is some New York socialite, and ex-model, and is on the Real Housewives of New York City. What can i say, i’m married and my wife watches this stuff…
Laird is looking a bit like George Hamilton. He in fact might be the next GH of our generation. Hey, he’s still got a gig.
oh great dried… ya think Laird and Gabby are currently auditioning for the Malibu version?
him and Gabby got a two-fer from that gay french dude with the cowboy hat that does hair in LA.
Would it be physiologically possible to get a boob job from her? There’s a lot of surface area between those 2 gel sacks. Could one of our scientists weigh in on that?
i saw laird at little doom in LA on a SUP….he was paddling around the line up shaking peoples hands while standing and looking down at them……struck me as strange…
Do you think Laird or Gabby gave her the pearl necklace.
good observations, confessed hair.
is it true? will Laird will be rolling in a convertible, teamed with Gavin Newsome in the next Gay Parade?
laird is rad. he parlayed his skills into a hot wife and a bunch of stuff? now what? prob get a job at oxbow developing new slightly kooky rashguards or being a personal trainer up in malibu. There are worse things in life.
You want a Malibu beach bod like this you need P-90 ox highlight confusion
Rumor is, Laird might be riding in the parade.
He’s gone Hollywood.
And that is what we like about him.
I’m proud to live in a country where “gill job” and “Heaven’s Vag” can be mentioned in the same thread without fear of persecution. I don’t regret for a second losing both my arms and legs in the Grenada invasion due to a tragic wheat thresher incident.
BTW, guess how I’m typing this. Hint: it rhymes with “I have a mule cock”.
Oh yeah: the lady in the middle has boobs so far apart, she has to lay down to get her blouse on.
Her boobs are so far apart, she has to get three passports when she leaves the country. She looks like she just got titty-frigged by a skyscraper.
And by skyscraper, I mean me.
When she talks, her voice echoes into the cavernous oblivion between her hammerhead breasts.
Her name is Kelly Bensimon she’s 54 and the pic is from a Fundraiser in NYC last year. The pic does not do her justice, considering her ex husband went from Elle Macpherson to her speaks volumes. All that said, her teets could use a little work.
Speaks volumes about something, but about what I’m not sure. In this case, there’s more to Mr. Ex-Elle’s “strange” than we can even begin to understand.
Lewis bones chicks way hotter than that, right?
thanks to Strongarm and others, that cavernous cleavage chick from the NYC now has a name.
And if you Google her, she’s as proud of that shit as Arisonans are of the Grand Canyon.
So proud that apparently the most dangerous place on Earth is between her and any camera!
no kidding.
she’s rockin’ those hideous things everywhere she possibly can!
welcome to America! everyone’s a slut.
Welcome to America!
The nation that’s full of lonely, bald, rich millionaires that shower the next silicon and botoxed goddess with mansions just so they can go through her laundry hamper, sniffing her used panties while she’s out boffing the guy that’s installing the plasma screen in her walk-in shoe closet. The dream can be yours, young female readers, for the price of a few sit-ups and a tightly managed eating disorder.
lewis samuels is now officially the Perez Hilton of pro surfing!
Clearly someone mentioned the suburb that resides between her artificial funbags:
‘Kelly Bensimon, New “Real Housewife,” Arrested For Assaulting Boyfriend’
sorry, welcome to planet earth, where everyone’s slut.
and that’s what we like about it!
Mark, is that really what a nice Christian boy would project? Are wives now fair game? Precedents come back to haunt…..
Blasph needs an editor.
The only way TSW could be number one is if everyone else in the race would quit ( registered tradeMark ). And that would make Mark a very rich man. Congratulations Mr Cote, you’ve proved the “every dog has his day” axiom. Would’ve been nice if you achieved something, but what the fuck, a win is a win. Congrats, brother Chris.
she seriously cannot be titty fucked…sucks for her
Those of you that would, would, maybe, would, now have a new weekly porn series to tune into on Bravo. Real Housewives of New York City, as Ms. Massacred Tit Job is one of the “housewives” on the show. Get your box of tissue ready, it’s an hour show.