It's been a tough day here at PostSurf headquarters. Like every calm, rational, American, I'm panicked about Swine Flu.
Two cases were just diagnosed only miles from where I live. Our prime minister, that guy from Predator, just declared a state of emergency, and he usually doesn't scare so easy.
This whole thing sucks. It confirms red-blooded, god-fearing Americans worst fears about Mexicans AND swine.
What can we do? Should we close the borders? Should we nuke Mexico? Mark - you watch Fox News; I'm looking to you for guidance.
I just flew over Mexico the other day, and this guy was sitting next to me on the plane:
Should I be worried?
If you're anything like me, you have a lot of questions.
So as a service to PostSurf readers, I've tried to do some research on how Swine Flu will effect surfers. See below for the FACTS along with some guidelines on how we should be panicking.
1) Is Swine Flu contagious?
I think the answer is "yes." Swine Flu can be spread through genital-to-genital contact with Swines.
2) Is Swine Flu kosher?
No - because it comes from swine.
3) Can I catch Swine Flu from Mexicans?
Yes.
4) Can I get sick from getting too close to Gabe "Piggy" Kling?
Yes. But that sickness you'll feel isn't Swine Flu. It's heartache. I learned the hard way!
5) Should I stay home and watch Fox News instead of going surfing?
Yes. Particularly avoid crowded breaks.
6) Should I avoid surf trips to Barra, Scorpion Bay, and Isla Natividad?
No. Those spots are SICK. Go there, bro!
7) Can I contract Swine Flu from pig-dogging barrels?
It's too soon to tell, but it's safe to be alarmed. Click on the image below for more information about things I don't understand.
8) Can I get Swine Flu from bacon, cops, or being an alarmist, ignorant motherfucker?
No, maybe, yes.
9) Can I contract Swine Flu from hanging out with alternative, pig-nosed, 6-pierced titty Suicide Girls?
Yes. Among other things. Proceed with caution.
oh yes… stay far away from any of the hoards who just spend any time over the last four week, spring breaking it at any Mexican Playa, anyone surfing this prime season anywhere in the mainland Mex…. which should be damn near impossible.
Mui Mal, mi amigo.
Three shots of “unapproved and unchecked” tequila, a couple of homeopathic chinese herbal flu pills and a 15 minute self abuse looking at the picture of “Grand Canyon Cleavage” from the previous post and you’re sure to shoot that swine flu bug right out.
Surfline runs pics of Barra and the next thing you know all hell breaks loose down there. I wonder what they’re really doing at that surfline-funded med clinic anyway… If only I could post on surfline and get some answers.
I can confirm that Gabe does not have the Swine Flu but is recovering from a messed up ankle and bum knee contracted will in Tazzie. I suggest he changes his nickname effective immediately… to his middle name- Thor, much more menacing. More along the lines of Bourez with ” the Spartan”. This new nickname should have a direct impact with CT results.
typo- while in Tazzie…
holy shit those sextitlets are fricken creepy
Swine flu is a hoax desiged by a few surfers to clear the Mexican breaks. It is a giant conspiracy on par with the election of Obama, shooting of JFK, invasion of Iraq and countless other amazing non-sensical happenings. The timing of this outbreak is very suspect given its prime wave season down south. First those same fuckerados tried to rob/kill/hassle everyone crossing the border but that shit did not work- who was really scared when the waves were solid 6-8 at Rosarita ? So some guy f’ed a pig and coughed on a bunch of tourists- well let me tell you that shit will not work, amigos. I know that RVCA and Billabong are already working on a rubber face mask that you can wear in the water and on land- think again Mexicanos it is gonna take a lot more than that to scare our asses. Vamos a la playa.
Should we avoid carnitas?
Swine Flu canceled the most important meeting in the history of surfing‚—SIMA. So many of the surf industry’s problems were about to be solved by drunk assholes floating on pool toys (and yes, i was going to be one of them).
Can you catch swine flu at Mermaids in Cabo?
Did i mention source interlink has gone belly up?
p.s. Yacht Rock Party at the Saloon in Encinitas tomorrow night.
Swine flu party at the Saloon tomorrow night.
Swine flu update from NYC, April 28th 2009
Well, the apocalypse is upon us gentlemen. Don’t believe the papers — they’ve sealed the bridges to Manhattan, and we, the uninfected but forsaken have been left to fend for ourselves. The disease is spreading like wildfire and the number of healthy dwindles by the hour. Quien sabía que habían tantos mexicanos, guey? Well, we all know now, guey. I have decided not to let the flu get me. Just this morning, I blew my poor brother’s face off with a double barrel shot gun — one of only two acceptable ways, along with, of course, the chain saw, of dispatching one of the infected. And to think, we all laughed at those survivalists who told us that the end was coming…I blame Lewis’s people, and by that, I mean goofy footers. Who knows, how they did it? Who cares? My only regret is that there are supposed to be waves on Saturday. Hope may be gone, but my resolve lives on. They will get to me eventually, but not before tasting the judgement of my boom stick.
No swine flu at Mermaids, but you had better be on the lookout for Mermaid flu.
Lewis, as a good Jew I would expect better from you. It is not to be referred to as “swine flu”. It’s Mexican flu (sorry Mexicans)…
Blasphemy Rottmouth foretold of this calamity last week when he called us all “pig fuckers”. What do we do now Blasphemy? I repent!
“Israeli official: Swine flu name offensive. JERUSALEM (AP) — The outbreak of swine flu should be renamed “Mexican” influenza in deference to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities over pork, said an Israeli health official Monday.”
What about the Mexican sensitivities over having the flu named after them?
they should call it Carnitas Flu.
Mexican flu seems a little insensitive. I think we should call it “little brown brothers’ plague”.
La Cucaracha Flu
Look up. it’s swine time.
Shoot! My friend just called me at work and says he heard I won comment of the week on Post Surf.
I rushed to my computer to find only a meager “Fox news watcher” reference from Lewis.
Thank’s for nothing bro. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with this site anymore.
are u gonna threaten to leave again?
Blasphemy Rottmouth did call with “pig fuckers”. Can’t wait to hear his take. Where are you BR?
Several major news sources reported today that Source Interlink ( Surfer and Surfing included) has filed for a pre-packaged, lender-approved Chapter 11 bankruptcy. According to a story on the New York Post:
If Rumsfeld held the “cure” to Avian, who will profit from Swine?
Without sounding conspiratal, how does pig flu mutate with bird flu and occupy human flu?
Kinda like Antrax only being mailed to Democrats and originating from the same military lab. Coincidence.
900 million in debt, I knew Surfer and Surfing were crap, but had no idea how big that turd was.
A drunken Cote dances on the grave, whippits in hand. Contraction is our reality, and TSW is not immune. Looks like Mauro has good timing.
Enjoy the party Chris.
whoa, could you just imagine all the whinging losers if this flu strain would have been contracted from something like say, frijoles? that’s beans for you gringos.
hey yo, back in the day, notice they didn’t call it the Aussie flu.
KANGAROO FLU BUG BITES THE APPLE
BY CORKY SIEMASZKO WITH NEWS WIRE SERVICES
Wednesday, January 14th 1998, 2:03AM
A new flu has popped up in New York City, and it’s nothing to sneeze at, officials warned yesterday.
Type A Sydney, which stands up to this year’s flu vaccine, has sickened nearly half of all flu victims this season, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta.
Along with New York, the so-called kangaroo flu also has been spotted in Southern California. And it’s spreading.
The old and the weak are most vulnerable to the virus, which is a variant of the Type A Wuhan flu that this year’s shot was supposed to tame.
“The vaccine isn’t as protective as it would be if this was the exact strain in the vaccine,” said Stephen Ostroff of the National Center for Infectious Diseases.
But it’s better than nothing. The U.S. flu vaccine is 70% to 90% effective among healthy adults and helps prevent complications that can lead to death.
The Sydney flu, discovered in Australia in June, has sickened 85 people in New York State, where the virus has been found in the city and in Albany, said Claire Pospisil of the state Health Department.
I’ve mocked Assphlegmy in jest. I’ve critiqued Assphlemy in seriousness.
But never have I seen a post more serendipitously surrendered for his edacious emesis .
Beasts, breasts, barrels, bitches.
Sex, Surfline, and the Crommyonian Sow.
Assphlegmy will awake soon. Upon seeing this post lobbed up so perfectly for his punishing, he flung into a flurry of aggressive and ravenous masturbation. So furious was his tempest that, just prior to his rapturous crescendo, he blacked out from a sudden spell of hypovolemic shock.
At the precise moment his pallorous frame slammed into the imported Iron wood floor, an anorexic transient on Los Angeles’ skid row defecated the first 100% pure kosher pork sausage after she emptied her syringe.
Sadly, it now sits lost in the bowels of a port-a-potty, lost forever like Indie’s Lost Ark.
Heh heh. I see some of ya’lls been busy this evening. I apologize for being late to the party. Allow me a few moments to gather what lucid thougts remain amongst the alcohol fueled cells betwixt me ears.
Shit, Erik, if you’re going to post brilliance like that all day, I may as well go stick my dick in a cookie jar…
… but I digress.
The swine flu epidemic reminds me of a brief fling I had when I was seventeen. Her name was Mark’s Mother.
Mark’s mom loved me bad. Pudding of a woman, the moons behind her cheaters waxed for the love of my throbbing meat gristle. She bleated after me, udders wagging, tongue lolling, buttocks dimpling - attended by flies. She was all armpit hair and thigh flesh. Like Kekoa Becalso, except with two vaginas instead of one.
The cheaters, thick as hog’s hooves, slid down her nose till arrested by the bump. She nudged them with a bulbous finger; then grinned. She wrote me love notes with her eyes. Her mouth foamed with abashment - she spoke, she didn’t speak: ecstasies of impossible and carnal love. “Don’t ever let that thing come here again,” my friends would tell me.
Yet Mark’s colossal mother haunted every window seat and fridge nook. Most days, while waiting for my impending return from an afternoon session, she left the imprint of her navel in the screen door. Bowl-like; it was like the sag in a cake fallen in. After my explicit ruminations of extremely plausible head-dips and successful stand-ups, her lips would spread apart and bear forth the only three yellowing teeth in her mouth. They clung to her gums like rickety rat teeth, two on top and one crooked incisor along the bottom. Alas, we were young… we were dumb… and she was full of dung. And nine months later, she bore forth a son, and called its name Marcus TonySnowGeorgeBushHaliburtonCheneyFoxNews BamaUpHisSlamma.
In conclusion, I apologize for any role I may have played in this latest world-wide health debacle. But I ask that ye not judge me, lest ye yerself be judged.
That said, I feel an upwelling of sentimental vapors which I shalt convey in song…
Me, give me a gal with a bovine’s soul,
Her head in her belly, her heart in her hole.
Me, spare me the sorrow of them pointed chicks
With a strap on for each pelvis, a substitute for our dicks -
Getting their kicks,
Rectilinear chicks.
Them, give them each other to hump and cajole.
Me, give me a gal with a bovine soul.
Oh, with a bo!
Oh, oh, with a bo!
Bo, bo, with a bovine soul!
During a briefing on Tuesday, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, said “This really isn’t swine flu. It’s H1N1 virus. We want to say to consumers here and abroad that there is no risk to you, there is no scientific evidence whatsoever that there is any link between consuming pork, prepared pork products, and the H1N1 virus.”
Mark, you should know all about pork. It’s practically all conservatives morons like Rush have talked about for the last few years. Meanwhile Republicans stripped $900 million from from the stimulus package for pandemic preparedness. NOW WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE…the Governator can’t even save us.
Dear BR, you are one part Oscar Wilde, one part Hunter S and 33% bovine beast with five thick, delicious legs, but just four cloven hooves. However it was Gwyneth Paltrow who foretold this calamity. Why else would someone sent to broadcast about Spanish cuisine not partake of ‘a wonderful, magical animal’ that is the pig? What did she know?
It’s now clear that Chris Martin is the devil and Coldplay are the house band in hell. Apple is Rosemary’s baby. Slater saw Coldplay in Australia and clearly made a pact with the devil. Wait until Chopes. Wait, my friends.
@PeterPerfect,
The world is our oyster; together we can fuck the shit out of that pearl house.
Dear Blasphemy Rottmouth,
Hey dad! Can I borrow $5,000? Sales are down here in Hawaii and I am behind on the bills. Sadly my landlord is a local enforcer type and I had to borrow Kanga Cairn’s baseball bat to fend him off last week when the rent was due and he caught me surfing 6 foot plus Laniakea all day instead of hustling at work.
I promise I will pay it back. If not you can just take it out of the back child support you owe my mom.
H1N1 is Stu. Guaranteed.
Dear Blasphemy Rottmouth, Pearls before Swine, BR, Pearls before Swine!
I tried to reply but this is the message i received:
“Hmmm, your comment seems a bit spammy. We’re not real big on spam around here.”
Spam? Fuck, this bovine virus has hit the internet.
In the words of Amy Swinehouse, ‘What kind of fuckery is this?’
It’s now clear that Slater is Beelzebub, the chief lieutenant of that fucker from Coldplay. And Paltrow is like Mary Magdalene, you know, a whore for the bad guys. I hear that if you play Coldplay backwards it’s just as fucking awful. Apparently it sounds like the bastard son of U2 and Radiohead.
Thankfully, I write this from a bunker where I reside with Dick Cheney and other luminaries. The pig plague will not reach me here, even as you begin burying your dead with bulldozers. Cheney has his gun cocked. People are nervous, but it’s better to die at the hands of a five-time deferring, America-butt-fucking ex-VP with a twitchy trigger finger than dying like all you swine-infected foaming-mouthed fuckers up on the surface. The Jews and Muslims will feel vindicated, but will die as well because we’ve slipped pork in some form into just about every foodstuff known to man. Why? Because it tastes good.
PS: Freddy P’s shapers have a pig farm behind their shaping bays. True story. Is this Freddy P’s revenge for being on his backhand in OZ? Will Freddy P release a bladder of pigs blood in the Chopes line-up while Slater laughs maniacally in the channel?
What kind of fuckery is this?
Does anybody remember the scene in ‘ROAD WARRIOR’ where Wez goes into this wide-eyed, berserker rapture and Lord Hunumgus has to choke him out to keep him from killing everyone right on the spot?
Swine Flu is doing the same thing to me, except I am sans hockey-masked giant to keep me in check.
I blame society for what is about to happen.
@ PeterPerfect,
I hear ya, I was thoroughly enjoying a left-hand point break with a few of my friends over this last weekend. Late Sunday afternoon, we enjoyed our normal pre-surf snack of Hostess cupcakes.
Shortly thereafter, we paddled into some head high to double overhead peeling peaks. Tide was heading out. The sun bled into the horizon beyond. After my fifth wave, I turned and stroked for the sixth gem of what had been, to that point, a most awesome session. As the board swelled to my feet and I pitched onto the glassy face, I giggled when my fins grabbed a sure hold of the curving sodden sculpture before me. Barrel? Or drive for the open face hack? I pondered these things momentarily before setting my rail and…
Suddenly there was the horrendous sound of cracking fiberglass, splintering balsa stringer, and the high pitched whine of a full-throttle prop; freed from its watery confines and slashing through the evening air, hungry for scalp… all this cacophony diminishing as I was ejected into the night, like pork gristle dislodged from Dom Delouise’s fleshy pink gullet by a Schwarzenegger-applied Heimlich.
Moments later, I came to – a rugged heap of quivering neoprene and salt patties writhing in epileptic fits as the memories were made manifest. And as I looked back into the shorebreak, whilst fighting the demons of a sauced-stupor, I managed to witness the slimy scaled back of one of Cthulu’s orphaned children slip back into the waves to report back to his new Step-Father.
Needless to say, I will never surf after eating that shit again.
I forgot what my pint wasstthh.
G’niiiiiiiight..,,.
the geniuses of Egypt are currently killing every single pig in the country.
that should tell us all we need to know abut that fuckery of a country.
ring the bell. all is well.
sorry, Mark, not me. My swine flu rant would have been more along the lines of how this is really God seeking to punish all the non-believers for all their sins. Salvation from this monster virus can only be found in your local church. HE will save us all! Except all those pesky Muslims, Hindus etc. They’re fucked.
Muslim leader: Israel bird flu punishment from Allah
Gaza preacher says during weekend mosque services bird-flu virus found in Israel last week was sent by Allah to punish the Jews for being the ‘worst of humanity’ and is the beginning of the outbreak of other diseases meant to destroy the Jewish state within the next 20 years; ‘pray for Allah to dry out the sexual organs of the Jews,’ he adds
Published: 03.20.06
The bird-flu virus found in Israel last week was sent by Allah to punish the Jews for being “the worst of humanity” and is the beginning of the outbreak of other diseases meant to destroy the Jewish state within the next 20 years, a Gaza preacher said at mosque services this weekend.
Sheikh Abu Muhammed, an imam at the popular Al-Tadwa mosque in Beit Lahia north of Gaza City, went on to ask Muslims at his Friday night sermon to pray for the sexual organs of Jews to “dry out” so they cannot reproduce, a Palestinian in attendance at the mosque services told WorldNetDaily.
“Praise Allah the bird flu has hit the Jews. It came because of their sins against the Palestinians; because they are the most cruel enemy of humanity; because they are themselves the enemy of humanity; because they don’t believe in Allah; because they falsify the book of Allah; because they cheated the prophet Muhammed; and because they cheated Allah and even their own prophet, Moses,” Sheikh Muhammed was quoted as saying.
“This bird flu will be the beginning of diseases which will hit the nonbelievers. Please Allah keep hitting the enemy with more diseases. This is no doubt the beginning of the end of the Israelis. Like (late Hamas spiritual leader) Sheikh Yassin said, 2025 will be the end of Jews. This (bird flu) is the sign,” said Sheikh Muhammed, according to congregants.
‘Pray for Allah to dry out sexual organs of Jews’
Yassin, who was assassinated by Israel in March, 2004, told followers he used Quranic verse to divine Israel would be destroyed by the year 2025.
In his mosque speech, Sheikh Muhammed reportedly went on to explain Allah decided to “hit the Israelis with birds,” since birds are mentioned in the Quran as a tool used to defeat infidels.
He asked for congregants to “pray for Allah to dry out the sexual organs of the Jews with a disease so they won’t be able to reproduce anymore.”
Muhammed made his comments in spite of predictions the virus found in Israel may surface through migrating fowl in the nearby Palestinian territories.
so I was right…I just had the wrong God in mind.
I think Blasph might be the cyber anti~christ.
When I read his posts my girlfriends cats start crying, the lights flicker in the bathroom and that hottie Karen O’s rad voice comes screaming unexpectedly out of my i’tunes account even while I’m on Postsurf. Scary shit but pretty cool none the less. Mark, where is the Search event going to be held at? I trust your asp judgement second to L.S. and third to 80’s Hynd.
we know it’s fatal. and if that long history of thiers is any clue, once you get it, death is imminent.
and apparently, Quiksilver has contracted it.
the Q$ disease.
back test anything covered by Q$. it is the death nail. and don’t forget to read their lovely disclaimer!
yes, it is worse than contracting Swine Flu. 100% guaranteed death.
Public Opinion Here Please:
I’m going to Mexico,(or that was the plan), Sinaloa, surfcamp, with a 250 yard point break in front of our crib. I’ve paid in full, bought the ticket, packed and even built two boards for this trip. I’m supposed to go in two weeks from Now.
I now am thinking twice. I’ve got a kid, wife, two jobs to return too. Professional commitments up the wazoo when I get back. My wife is freakin.
Would you go? When I was 20 I’d go … come on guys. Gimme your opin, I need voices here …………
Your only problem is that you are going to a ’surfcamp’. That, my friend, is the real danger.
Feed the beast, Marlin.
Marlin,
Eddie would go.
But again, he tried to swim, in shark infested waters, to Tahiti.
…And be fed by it, apparently.
36,000 or so Americans die from the flu each year. Would you not go because some Mexican’s had the sniffles?
You’ve had your fill. Please don’t accept the second helping of hype.
just wear a mask and airbrush a big picture of Jesus on your board and you’ll be golden.
yea, Erik, that’s better odds than a pig in Egypt these days. Uniformed up in Afgani is a safer place.
Marlin, just go.
if all goes well, maybe you’ll be quarantined to Mex, and we won’t let you back in the country.
Marlin, you’re first issue is the surf camp you choose….. long, but mushy lefts. A funboard trip that Mark dreams about, hope those boards that you had built are hiding some extra foam for those dead spots.
Good news is that after you are ferried away from Mazatlan, the “accomodations” are fairly remote and interaction with locals confined to the staff….. cooking your Puerco taco’s!
Fuckin go, if the pandemic materializes further, you’ll know next week. Remember, money wants you to live in fear so that you don’t question it’s motives. “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself”.
Same chap warned us about the military industrial complex, see how good that message was digested.
you have your Presidents confused there, Mike.
FDR and IKE were two different people.
and this little take on the truth of Tom Jeffersom is damn good.
Hey Richbzztch.
You are becoming one of my favorite taters ( Bamese for commentator) but I am offended you place me second to Leftie Lewie regarding ASP knowledge.
Dude I was keeping stats on the pro tour during math class in the seventies when Louie was a little boy in Bolinas watching hippies bathe each other in the river.
I threw eggs at John Scotts anti-competition banners during WSA contests at the Lane.
I cried when Cheyne Horan won at Sunset. I cheered when Pottz won the World Title. I have watched the footage of Occy winning the Bells skins event over 1,000 times in the Occumentary (to this day the best backside ripping I have EVER seen). I cheered from the channel at Sunset during the mid-80’s when Tom Carroll, Simon Anderson and Kong redefined high performance big wave surfing.
And I have been waiting patiently for another great title race along the lines of Andy-Kelly a few years ago.Hopefully 2009 will finally be the year when it comes down to the wire at Pipe with Parko, Mick, Slater, Jordy and C.J. all with a mathematical chance.
P.S. I would like to see the Search event in Ireland.
It’s as competitive as it’s ever been, Mark. it’s all about the psyche. Kelly has the eyes. “don’t look him in the eyes, mate”, the Aussie coached Owen.
And now Rob Machado has the Caveman vibe going on. Straight freak psyche right there.
The Lowers Comp is pretty boring.
This post is kind of boring too.
The judges at Lowers must have swine flue, or maybe they’re the swine that started it all. The scoring on Aritz’s air was so ridiculously low (2.something)it’s embarrassing. I felt sorry for the poor fucker, putting his recovering leg on the line for nothing.
search is in norway …
Should I shave my head ala Slater or let my hair fall out gradually?
Maybe Losness will throw in some of those snap turns of his and save the comp, hey Chris?
Sorry Dobby, had an inspiration and ran with it…. thanks for the edit.
As a contemporary of mine, Mark maintains child like enthusiasm as a surfing spectator. I’m aware of certain performances, but more because they changed my thinking about board design. Simon’s Bells win had me pulling out templates and configuring what I thought was tri fin placement. I always wondered who the actual event appealed to, now I know.
I’ve always maintained that the ASP has failed to capture the imagination of everday Joe, historically. Idol worship wasn’t a hallmark of that era, 70’s. We hated everybody. I’ve always found it odd that most surfers could give an educated opinion on the NFL, yet few cared about the IPS, ASP, etc. Maybe I have to rethink this….
Now throwing eggs at the anti comp dude should’ve found you near death underneath the nearest peir. People ended up there for less, in the day.
Keep studying Lani boy, I’m packed and ready to celebrate your lifetime devotion to the tour.
Marlin, here’s your info
Search is in northern Africa.
morocco…
the Search will take place at the Wavehouse, FlowBarrel Bruticus Maximus, Mission Beach, CA!
one of your best posts yet lewis.
-#1fan <3
I bet Octo-mom wishes she had that many boobies.
Althought I hate surfing with others, especially people who blow waves or suck riding them, I just have to try and shed some light on the fact that Sean Collins is once again up to his lying ways. After ruining Barra and posting surf predictions that were false because he wanted to score a swell in Southern Baja with few people there, he needs to stop this non-sense. I want to make it clear that there is no swine flu in Scorps and people aren’r wearing masks around town. You do not need to stay away from the locals like most of the gringos (like Sean) do anyways. I know I might be pissing people who want to score this place with few people out, but I’d rather screw over Sean Collins and set the record straight. There are not 3 dozen people sick in town. I called my neigbor (he was born in the town of little saint john) and there is no sickness there. Go there, have fun, ride waves, cut Sean off. take care, Nate
Great,and pregant Freddy is on my Fantasy Team
Octomom should hook up with that sextitlet chick and then all of her new kids could be fed simultaneously. I’d watch that reality show.
I have been looking through similar blog posts in this topic. Not many of them are good with writing skill and quality, but yours is an exception. I would like to read more of your writings on this subject.