If we in the surf media want to be taken seriously, we have to step up our game and take our cues from the real media: more investigative journalism, more hard-hitting exposes of corruption, and more speculation about Lindsay Lohan’s sex life.
Budding surf media magnate CJ Hobgood is already hip to this - on his blog, CJ wrote of Lindsay, “Is it the freckles,the light skin or the redish hair (at times) prob all the above but i’m absolutley fatal on linsey.i know, if i ever met her the dream would die real quick,until then she’s still top 5.”
CJ penned those loving words only days before Christmas, 2008 (earmuffs, Baby Jesus, earmuffs!!!) when Lindsay was in a solid, loving, relationship with girlfriend Samantha Ronson. (Again: earmuffs, Baby Jesus, earmuffs!!!)
Now Lindsay is single - she got dumped by Sam a couple weeks ago.
Like many punters before her, Lindsay knows the best medicine for heartache is surfing.
So Lindsay spent the last week in Hawaii, riding a pop-out SUP with a leash on her front foot. Perhaps she’s a switch-hitter in the lineup, too? And, yes, like the Swine Flu and Sarah Palin, Nostradamus long ago predicted Lindsay’s surfing as a sign of the apocalypse.
Unfortunately, from the look of the photos, it seems Lindsay isn’t over Sam yet. Memories of their nights together haunt her surfing style.
In the shot above, Lindsay, smartly dressed in a black one-piece with black hair-extensions across the bodice, wearing black 80s shades in the lineup, is remembering how Sam used to oh-so-gently wield her belted tool when Lindsay was the Bottom.
Once on her feet, thanks to the voluptuous girth of her pop-out, Lindsay’s mind soon wanders, re-playing those memories of her time as the Top. Her eyes flutter closed as her hands cup the ghostly memory of Sam’s ample buttocks. A smile radiates across her face as her hips pull back, only to thrust forwad again like the wave that conveys her lovelorn, Gollum-esque frame towards shore.
Love hurts, my friends, love hurts.
Nothing to do with this post, BUT Dan ross’s style is disgusting! Contrary to the belief that brazzo s have horrible style, adriano is miles ahead of ross in the style and skill department
Ceej would totally do her. He’s already dammed to hell for the divorce, so what’s the harm?
“Gollum-esque frame…”
There is absolutely no way I can top that.
And yes, Lindsay is a little too skinny for my taste these days. When she wears a bikini, she looks like a pasty stocking filled with deer antlers. And her ass has gone from spank-tacular to flatter than Gumby’s. We need to organize a rescue party to extract her from the clutches of cocaine and dykes with dicks.
It’ll require 12 stout men, 18 horses, 5 bottles of ether, 3 sherpas, a concrete saw, 40 feet of rope, $7300 in unmarked bills, a leather-bound copy of The Delta of Venus, a case of flares, and 15 barrels of whiskey….
Who’s with me?
Blasphemy, why would you want to top what you obviously wrote?
Throw in bottle of Steinlager, and i’m there, BR!
On second thought, let it rot.
It’s far more entertaining that way. let it roll.
Odds of LL connecting with BI’s dealer?
To PacNW: ‘Bout the same as you releasing that death grip on your asphyxiating twig of a phallus whilst imagining the transfixing lesbo scenario depicted above by Papa Samuels.
I think she’s hot. Ranga’s don’t usually do it for me but Lindsay is hot as hell (her tits are perfect) Blashphemy Rottmouth could do better though, he’s more of a Jessica Alba dude except that he’s gay and would probably just talk to her about makeup and shit.
With Jessica Alba, I would hurl my severed right arm into the pulpwood shredder that grinds cellulose for Charmin, just in the off chance that she would wipe her perfect butt with a square that contained one of my molecules.
And I’m not gay… I refuse to cuddle afterwards.
@ lazer
does that mean that LL has no chance connecting with BI’s dealer?
BI’s dealer, better known as AI’s dealer, doesn’t need the extra business…
And when I say AI, I of course mean the basketball player.
If LL is Ginger, Dingo is Gilligan, BI the Skipper, Freddy P. the Professor, who might be Mary Ann and the Howells?
Chris Cote would me Mrs. Howell and Kekoa Becalso would be the SS Minnow.
‘remembering how Sam used to oh-so-gently wield her belted tool when Lindsay was the Bottom’
crab blinding sharpness! clap clap clap, wet clothes, dry martini,fin.
Lazer just sounded exactly like B. Rot. Wasn’t Lazer the gnar Hawaiian dude that got all defensive about Bruce and Fred? Is Rot Lazer? Did he comment and submit failing to realize he was logged in as Lazer?
Hey Lewis can we get some sort of Commentator Guide to figure out who the heck is saying what? I’m confused.
I don’t know what you gents are talking about. Samantha Ronson is a flower of a young woman. She’s young, upwardly mobile, and wears a pork pie hat better than any skag-head in the last ten years apart from the lovely Pete Dogherty of the strokes. In fact, I often confuse them. Sure, you might say she looks like a 10 year old boy who would toss your salad for a bit’ o the brown, but I say that is the face/emaciated body of a girl who knows how to par-tay.
As for Ol’ Lindsay, if you take the photo of her standing up, choppe off the hair, add a little pot belly and a pair of black shorts…Boom: Alex Knost. If that isn’t exactly his noseriding stance, complete with delicately poseued hands, I’ve got to get my eyes checked.
My final question is this: Who is the guy/girl just outside the frame staring at Lohan’s ass all day as he pushes the crazy wench into waves? I don’t want to detract from her surfing, but let’s be honest my friends, she aint paddling herself into anything.
Dude, Lewis… Can you find some fucking relevant targets to aim for? You’re aiming so low you’re bound to shoot your dick off with one of these posts. Seriously, bagging on lilo is like so fucking 2006. Bagging on Freddy P? Really? The dude is already a caricature of himself, stop phoning it in…
Jokes about Carrot Top? It’s starting to get sad and you may need an intervention.
What I’m saying is, stop aiming for the low hanging, beat a dead horse fruit and start picking some real fights and better targets. Your low level scavenging is bringing down your stock…
I’ll apologize for Mark’s confusion, assuming it’s the Rob Machado “Woah dude, I just ingested a 40 lb bag of hemp and shrooms, so OF COURSE let’s make a bio-flick of my life in Indo” variety and not the, you know, more troubling OTHER kind usually followed by tearful parental admonishments and ending in sticky pools of man-chowder (C’mon, you guys know what I’m talking about! Right? No? YES YOU DO DAMMIT! Ok fine, never mind…)
Again, to PacNW: I was simply defending Bruce from you miscreants who spew on and on about his substance abuse problems while completely glossing over the fact that Luke Stedman clearly suffers from a self-medicating regime of blow, kiddie porn, and Ortho Tri-Cyclen.
HEADLINE: Dave Rastovich loses wife in tragic accident involving a mermaid costume, two orcas, and an SUP paddle. Now THAT’s food for thought boys (and they said fish was brain food! ha!). Discuss
12 stout men, 8 horses, sherpa’s….. are you going to recreate the ascension of Sandy Hill???!!!!! If you do, know that Vanity Fair will pay big for the exclusive. Wait, that’s it BR!!!!! Film the Sandy Hill story, no fucking way, starring Lindsay Lohan!!!!!!!!!
Confusion is par to the Christian Conservative course, so nice playing Marky. Now get back to fantasy, there’s a lot riding on your idolitry.
Funny how we haven’t heard from either Mike or Bay St. for awhile then they both drop comments within 33 minutes of one another.Plus they both claim the L.A.-Malibu-Tarzana region as home. Interesting.
Seriously Lewis. Are there even more than 4 commentators on Post Surf? Am I the only one who only uses one name? OR DO I ONLY USE ONE NAME?
P.S. Lewis is Blashemy Rottmouth. THAT we know for sure. He has B. Rot. sling the shit that he is afraid to sling for fear of physical retribution.
Hey Bay St.
Just to let you know. You SUCK! You are probably the least funny and the most uninformed of any of the kooks that comment on here.
Stu and Mike. I haven’t mentioned God or religion on here for weeks if not months. Drop it. Everyone gets it that you guys are atheists and you live to make fun of anyone who does not share your views. You are like Perez Hilton but even MORE gay.
P.S. I Qu…. forget it.
P.S. Hey Mike you can kiss that boat trip GOODBYE!
Yeah Bay St, leave the Lewis Samuels bashing to me. As the only member of this website who is a practicing Hasidic Jew, I hold license (granted by Yaweh) to denounce all other blasphemous opinions.
Hey SURFLINE, you SUCK! Haha, told those fuckers didn’t I? Didn’t I?
PS: How many of you knew that 99% of deaths in the US involving auto-erotic asphyxiation occur in the Bible Belt? That’s an awkward bit of trivia if I say so myself.
PPS: Perez Hilton is gay?
Here’s my official Lohan Redemption Fantasy:
After a record coke/meth/paint thinner binge, Lohan goes on a drive through Hollywood. In one six-block stretch, she hits and kills several young mothers, seven toddlers, three nuns, John Mayer, a litter of black lab puppies, one of Britney’s kids, a van full of Special Olympics athletes, and a manatee just looking for its way home. As is the custom in California, her punishment is a suspended license and a $500 fine. However, the judge orders her to complete rehab in Blasphemy Rottmouth’s Mountain Retreat.
I take her to my picturesque mountain cabin to nurse her back to health. During the day, I require her to go for jogs around the lake, chop firewood, and hunt for game. In the evenings, I will prepare fantastic dishes of perfectly seasoned wild meat, vegetables, and eight grain breads. At first, she will vomit up most of this, and whatever she doesn’t vomit will appear later as explosive diarrhea. She will be required to keep her bathroom sparking clean, however. At the end of each day, we will drink a calming tea made of green tea leaves and ginseng, and then I will gently cleanser her in a rustic teak bathtub, using natural bath oils made from lilac and ginger.
As the days pass, she will reclaim much of her lost youth and vitality. The meth sweat will be slowly washed away, her complexion will clear, and her body will once again become the toned, lithe slice of hotness that we all first witnessed so many years ago.
The final phase of treatment will be designed to teach her to reconnect with humanity. And by “reconnect with humanity,” I mean I will perform every “place + noun” sexual act I can catalog, from the Albanian Corkscrew to the Zimbabwe Zing Zang. We might call Mandy Moore and Amanda Bynes over for some of the more complicated ones. Or, just to ferociously tag team me in a girl-on-girl-on-girl-on-guy, All-American Fuck-fest.
Naturally, this will kill me, but I will die with a big smile on my face. Young Lohan can then rejoin the world with her health and a positive new attitude. And she may make it through a week or two back in California before she drives her BMW into a telephone pole at 95 mph.
God Bless, Lindsay. God Bless.
I’d root her, bony ass and all.
I’m a sherpa.
Normally I’m suspicious of redemption stories, but that is one FANtastic tale of the fall and rise of what was formerly a promising young actress who, falling prey to the expanse of wasted dreams and talents that is the Hollywood BLVD, demonstrated an unhealthy proclivity toward bad career choices which culminated in a self-induced spiral of gratuitous substance abuse, attention whoring, and various run-ins with local law enforcement. We, the smiling American public, can surely congregate around young Lohan in her second act while remembering that bastion of strength and unflagging moral support that was her mentor cum rehabilitation expert: Blasphemy Rottmouth. I believe I speak for the community as a whole in wishing Ms. Lohan good fortune in her next endeavors, whatever they may be.
However, in his rush to perform appropriate treatments, Mr. Rottmouth neglected both the Downward Czech Monk as well as the ever-popular Sudanese Strawberry Shortcake. I confess myself dissapointed
@Laser,
Ah yes! The Sudanese Strawberry Shortcake. How could I forget the slaughter-fucking methods employed by our genocidal brethren from across the pond?
Damn this whiskey and my failing memory!
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…Amanda Bynes
Yesterday I read this from Lazer [sic], “I’m reminded of a 5th grader who has just discovered both sarcasm and the thesaurus on Microsoft Word, intent on proudly inputting his ‘opinions’.”
(Seems late on that observation, anyway, since Assphlegmy and I sparred on the topic a few weeks back.)
Due to mounting responsibilities, I avoided reading further comments and commenting myself; therefore, missing the deluge of digressions.
However, the first comment I view tonight from Mr. Optical Maser reads, “‘Bout the same as you releasing that death grip on your asphyxiating twig of a phallus whilst imagining the transfixing lesbo scenario depicted above by Papa Samuels.”
Lazer’s [sic] ray seems quite reflection resistant, given that it cannot illuminate his hypocrisy.
Not sure why I felt the need to say that, I think my new two week Swine flu work furlough has me loopy.
Blasphemy,
at what point does that sad example of a woman attempt escape from your little freak den in the hills, tires of you forcing her to write your musings to Postsurf, and you hobble that sad sack of bones, ala the freak Anne Wilkes in Misery?
Bob Dobb.
Subject-verb agreement. Try it.
Erik Erik Erik, how quickly you cut to the meat (oops) of things. I’m hesitant to get into this discussion with you, in part due to your blatant affinity for mistimed pseudo-scholarly shorthand, but here we go anyway. I was drawn into this website very recently and quite by chance, so your reference to the conversation between yourself Assphlegmy means less to me than that illness you contracted while humping those damnable dirty Yorkshires during your stay at a Tijuana whorehouse (those were oinks, not moans). However, pig-porking notwithstanding, I felt compelled to begin expressing myself in a manner more consistent with the lemmings who frequent this Richard Simmons-Style Turkish Bath of a site. So now the cat’s out of the proverbial fucking bag and I’m left with no choice but to dance the dance of an unwilling 13-year old Mormon bride, with YOU, Erik, playing the part of the elderly polygamist pederast. You’re welcome.
I’ll leave you with this; it’s a bold-faced lie giving me the title ‘hypocrite’, and I resent your attempt to cast me in those dire straits. Either confess your transgression and recant your statement, or accept your role as internet pedophile and live in infamy on PostSur from this moment forth as the site’s first self-admitted child molester. See, it’s all sticks and stones until someone plays the Amber Alert
Bob Dobb’s Subject-Verb Agreement Summative Quiz:
Amidst a wild night of coke-holing with Lindsay, Nick Jonas _____1_____ Lindsay, incidentally using his promise ring as an ornamental monocle, to passionately ____2_____ him with her trusty antelope femur strap-on, eventually hemorrhaging his hepatic artery.
Lindsay, living the tatooed code which crowns her clitoral hood, “Want not, waste not”, immediately ____3____ his cocaine laced bloody discharge. This act both maintains her euphoric state and temporarily alleviates her chronic anemia.
1) a. allow b. allows
2) a. punishes b. punish
3) a. consume b. consumes
It is official. Lewis is B. Rot AND Laser.
P.S. Hey Laser. FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK YYYYYYOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!
Kook.
Lazer, being that for the most part I engage in adversarial
tete-a-tete’s merely for enjoyment, that I enjoyed reading your response, and that I am still quite happy to have a mandated two week vacation, I will suggest to readers that they read “hypocrite” as applied to you will as little negative connotation as possible; though I will neither recant nor accept as per you demands.
Although, given the anonymity that the internet allows, I would have chosen to “accept [my] role as internet pedophile and live in infamy on PostSur from this moment forth as the site’s first self-admitted child molester.”
This being true, of course, only because I have never visited a site called “Postsur”, and therefore would be fully immune to its viewer’s ire.
Ever notice, almost without exception it’s only men that develop weird fetishes? Foot, spanking, sock sniffing, antenna fellating, fuzzy suits, etc.
What up with that? Chemical imbalance, I guess.
I want to rub peanut butter on her LiLo’s cleavage, then kill myself and immediately come back as a stray cocker spaniel passing by so I can properly lick it off.
Erik: I’ve been known to let off a few premature PostSurf ejaculations in my day and I will concede to a point; so here you go, the F you (get it?) have been longing for. Drink it in my friend
Blasphemy Rottmouth: It’s not a chemical imbalance that compels such behavior, but rather the indomitable pioneering spirit that first led man to create fire, cross the deep briny blue, fly to the moon and masturbate to German midget fetish porn
Okay düdes, cut back on the meth… your paranoia about me being Lewis Samuels is making even ME actually think I’m him. Then, I gazed at my cock as it stirred the vats at the sewer plant THROUGH the toilet whilst I stood peeing, and I realized that this was physically impossible. I’m sorry Lewis, but let’s be honest here.
As I stated a few weeks back, I’m sticking by my given name, and nothing else. Blasphemy Rottmouth forever.
… except, I sometimes post as Mark or Chris Cote when I accidently smash my balls on the laundry hamper lid. It’s usually brief, and full of banshee squeals.
But seriously, I’m just a stupid mütherfücker like all yä’ll.
Happy Friday, cockfaces.
@Lazer,
I believe I once saw Briny Blue open for Scottish Donkey Logs at Coachella. They blew the roof off the tent. Much like Adriano did at Lowers this morning.
Happy Friday Trauzersnake!
You cocksucking barnacle-raper.
@BR
Hey, bruno just likes mayo, not ketchup
Wow.
I have seen the evolutionary missing link…and he surfs (though less like a monkey than Dustin Barca).
Please visit Surfline for a quick view.
See slide 20 of the “Shopping With the Stars” feature (the feature’s title need not be mocked in that it mocks itself).
Postsurf poll:
Dane Gudauskas looks more Bonobo or Orangutan?
For simplicity’s sake,
http://www.surfline.com/surf-news/slater-reynolds-curren-and-crew-rock-channel-islands-hollywood-store-shopping-with-the-stars_26358/
@lazer
Re:
“However, pig-porking notwithstanding, I felt compelled to begin expressing myself in a manner more consistent with the lemmings who frequent this Richard Simmons-Style Turkish Bath of a site. So now the cat’s out of the proverbial fucking bag and I’m left with no choice but to dance the dance of an unwilling 13-year old Mormon bride, with YOU, Erik, playing the part of the elderly polygamist pederast. You’re welcome.”
Welcome home, son.
@Erik,
Unfortunately, that’s not Dane. It’s Chris Kaman’s son. Did I just invoke the Clipper’s; the perennial cellar dwellers in a so-called professional tour?
I believe I did.
And yes, Mark loses the creationism argument solely on the existence of these two creatures.
More importantly, Lisa Anderson is looking more tore up than a fifth-wheel’s double bed after John Daly swallowed six cases of Pabst and passed out and on the mattress while dreaming of dry-humping a forest of un-lubricated Slim-Jim’s.
Salvatore Feragamo called, they want Lisa’s hide to supplement their latest luxury sofa line.
@Erik:
OK, I’ll bite. I’l flick through the frames. With some notes.
Who is the kneeboarder?
Why do they insist on highlighting Kelly’s pock-marked profile?
Taylor Knox = backcountry lumberjack.
Fucking DJs and their Apple laptops.
Dane Reynolds = Missing Link with shirt.
Wow. Managed to make Lisa Anderson look unfuckable.
Rob Machado. Please go away. And get a haircut. But make going away a No1 priority.
Timmy Curran or any high profile surfer with acoustic guitar = Ambien.
And then frame 20. SWEET BABY JESUS. WHAT THE FUCK.
Man, that photographer really screwed the ugly filter on tight.
Dear Jeremiah Klein. You suck. Badly.
Dear Lewis Samuels:
Can we do a post based soley on the Surfer / Songwriter? (Tim C., Donovan, and the ringleader - Jack Johnson).
I have a feeling there’s some pent up anger that’s ready to be unleashed.
@BR, now you’re leaving yourself notes on your own blog? Weird.
To all: All this talk of surfing that infamously mediocre Southern California break, which by the way more resembles an overflowing Matsumoto’s shave-ice machine than an actual wave, has left me bloodless in my nether region. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I haven’t seen anything this flaccid and lagging since observing a Jihad bottom-shimmy. So in an attempt to regain my normal thick-as-your-wrist virility, let us instead turn our attention to that last bastion of the French colonizing complex; yes, I’m speaking here of Tahiti and more specifically Teahupoo. An article on the contest there would certainly be boner-inducing, and I hope Mr. Samuels will oblige me (and others, I presume) with a bit of PostSurf Viagra to once again erect our collective shriveled state.
Obviously, I am neither Blasphemy Rottmouth nor Lewis Samuels
Au Contraire,
I believe PeterPerfect is really Damien Hobgood’s left brain lobe. Sure, it’s obvious that Damien hasn’t figured out how to use you yet, but at least he never notices that you’re missing.
@BR/LS, you fell for my trap. The fact that you resorted to an ad-hominem attack proves my point.
And you’re forgetting that the Christian siamese goofy-footed twins share a left lobe. Praise the Lord!
@peter perfect
…Rob Machado, he he he
@PeterPerfect,
You wanna take the gloves off bruhaha stylie?
Okay then, bitch.
Just remember, your momma’s so fat her face has love handles. So fat she cut her leg and French fries came out. So fat, when she sits on a motorcycle her right ass cheek has to go in the sidecar. So fat they garnish her martini with a tater tot.
G’night. I’ve drunk too way much.
My mother has the body of an angel. I’m looking at it right now. Oh mother…I want to write bad poetry and wear tight leather pants.
BR, a little piece of advice. Might want to sleep on the ‘fat’ section of your stand-up routine. I know it sounded great after a few lines of Lindsay’s love powder but it won’t be fondly remembered in the cold pre-dawn when you have to slink off to work at the seafood factory. Damn squid.
Now I must go and pay the servants for the week. Why do these Mexicalis insist on cash?
Lewis Samuels is a hack and lacks any original material whatsoever.
Those who praised his use of “Gollum-esque frame…” in description of Ms. Lohan would do themselves well to read popular celebrity blog http://www.wwtdd.com - which Lewis clearly does.
I’ll point out the site’s posting on April 28, entitled “is that gollum” … http://www.wwtdd.com/2009/04/is-that-gollum/
I’ll leave you to read (and by “you”, I the audience, not Lewis, unless he wishes to read it again).
It’s just disappointing that in this day and age, the landscape of journalism, surf journalism especially, is wrought it plageurism, inaccuracies, passive reporting, observational reporting and other unsound practices that deter from the quality and impact of real news.
Perhaps Lewis “the Paper Tiger” Samuels isn’t as core of a journalist as everyone (including myself) thinks he is. Merely another armchair critic with a blog. Give a laptop and instructions to any number of surf-savvy pub-dwellers across the globe, and you’re likely to get more biting, hilarious and penetrating commentary than you’ll find here.
It is a shame. I was once a fan, I am no longer. Good luck with whatever pays you Lewis…because this site is now crap.
it’s quite obvious that Machado is not only enthralled with the look, but he has that Roysopp song looped in his dome 24/7.
Blashemy Rottmouths mom is fatter than that black prostitute from the movie Borat.
P.S. Eric Hogetz is a barn. Ten to one he keeps on reading this blog. Plus that sounds like a made up name.
Hey Lewis how about Power Rankings for the commentators?
I think Peter Perfect is on a roll right now. B. Rot is a superstar but rattled by the fresh material of Lazer.
Stu and Mike can’t seem to produce much more than a ” God isn’t real ” comment these days.Come on boys you are better than that. Plus you are wrong but that is besides the point.
Ballz is one of my favorites and that is not just because he respects my A.S.P knowledge.
SmyrnaJeff seemed cool but he vanished. He liked my humor.Gators suck by the way.
Mark is consistent and seems to be poised on the verge of an epic comment but it hasn’t appeared yet. I still like the Borats sister at Rocky Point gag but it obviously wasn’t as well recieved on here. I bet Chris Cote laughed. I mean the real Chris Cote. not Stu faking it on Post Surf.
Artie and Pirate Salsa have gone underground in the Castro.
Eric is too new to rate. Trauzersnake is impressive.
Anyway this is just a thought.
Mark, I was raised in Catholic Schools…. I earned my aetheism. Please don’t disparage my faith, I live more Christian than any bible belting, conservative Republican. You see, the lessons in that book sunk in despite the glossy candy coating ( fables) that allow inferior intellects to digest humane behaviour. Unfortunatetly, your flock can’t live your faith as anger and exclusion are hallmarks of Jesus’ message (?)…..
I’m super bummed that you’re reneging on the invite, I guess you don’t like a challenge or dynamic thought. I’ll just make my wife earn more money so I can pay my own way. You’ll find that aetheists are super fun people who care without judgement.
God Bless you, Mark. And may all you fellow posters walk in God’s light and share in that joy. Wow, that feels great…. Let me try another….. Fuck gays, Muslims, Mexicans, Liberals, Intellectuals, science, …. I’m getting the hang of this!!!! I’m ready for a baptism, a bully pulpit and righteousness! Amen
Timmy Curran with an acoustic guitar…. ambien. Perfect prose from Peter.
lol @ Eric Hogetz reading WWTDD.com
I’ll take your word for it dude. I don’t want to risk getting a computer virus by visiting that filth.
Lewis is the only fresh voice published on surfing, Eric. Pulling vague lirerary references, bridgeing divergent metaphors and slapping iconic faces, no irreverance comes even close. Even when he occassionaly fails, I applaud the risk because without it, you’re acceptable for Surflie.com.
But alas, it’s all over your head. Freddies blog, on the other hand is easily digested…. it’s already been chewed!
Once, at a large tourist aquarium with the clear walk-through tunnels packed with vacationers, I witnessed a wheelchair bound ‘tard projectile vomit his only hot lunch of the week all over the narrow walkway; then sit in it crying while his cursing wranglers ran to find a hose. The smell of shame and bile in that enclosed space reminds me of the one and only time I ever looked in at WWTDD.com.
And, not surprisingly, I don’t feel the need to go back.
MIKE, GODDAMIT, I ALREADY TOLD YOU PEOPLE TO LEAVE FREDDY P ALONE!
Much like Jackson Pollock and epileptic hookers, I fear FreddyP and Andrew’s site will go largely unappreciated by you cretins.
I, on the other hand, know a thing or two about the simple pleasures of life.
Sorry Lazer, I forgot your rules…. if someone possess’ a ranking above 20 on the CT, everything they endeavor shall be worshipped without scrutiny.
Freddie and Andrew will be the next version of Wham!
Wham…. “Freddie and Andrew are traveling the world together”
They take so many flights together that even when they aren’t in cramped conditions, they sit together on one third of a three man couch and giggle.
Like the way Freddie P butched it up after the hair dye msistep, but growing a cum catcher is no way to dispel the rumors. Better enjoy what hair you have now, though FP, doesn’t look like a future issue for you.
Hey Mike.
Alright you can come if I win. But you have to help me out with this next contest. Is Slater going to stand and deliver? How about A.I? Hobgoods?
You give me some decent advice that pans out and we could be doing go behinds and slapping fives at Thunders in the summer of 2010.
Slapping behinds at Thunders? Not sure what you’re inferring…..
Andy and Kelly will be motivated. Isn’t it a Billy event? If it is, they may have Andy’s scores already posted.
What is it that you sell, anyway?
Surfing is one of the 12 steps in celebrity land.
Why do you ask Mike?
In sales we are trained to always answer a question with another question.
I’m pretty good huh Mike?
Earache,
quiz squizz,
1) singular
2) plural
3) plural
I may have to visit the rock for a consultation, Kahala district home.
@Eric Hogetz, both you and LS read WWTDD.
No further questions. And keep both hands on the table.
Looks like you’re going to need another screen name. Make it funny. Bro.
Hey Mike .
Fly on over Sunday night! I will pick you up and we can crack Sunset Beach at dawn Monday. It should be 5 to 7 foot with some 8 foot sets and perfect, mirror glass conditions.
You can stay at my home in the spare bedroom but there are a few things you should know. I have a poster of Winston Churchill in the living room, a huge picture of Ronald Reagan in the bedroom where you will stay, a football signed by congressman J.C. Watts on the coffee table and THEN, when you flush the toilet, the National Anthem plays.
Oh yeah and there are bibles EVERYWHERE.
Deal? Leave me your number and I will call you right now!
Jeez, all these women are is figments of your imagination, chemicals in your brain, pixels on the computer screen.
Does your computer screen need a windshield wiper ? Getting body fluids on an LCD display violates the warranty.
Here’s a picture of Jessica
http://thetrawbros.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/jessica-alba-bikini-07.jpg
Hey Mike I think you have been watching too many reruns of Columbo on t.v. dude.
Kahala district? That is where the rich people live. Or did you mean Kohala district? That is the Big Island.
I live in a SHACK but I have a great view of the Bay.
Sorry but no more hints.
P.S. Do you watch a lot of Magnum P.I.?
Kahala, near the Mandarin Oriental. No one in Kohala could afford me.
If she is patient and can wait two weeks, I’ll hang around…. in front of Alligators. If not, I’ll blow in and out, same day.
I grew up near the Tuttles, so pictures of Reagan don’t faze me. He wasn’t as evil as his handlers or successor…. just a cowboy puppet. And Bibles aren’t scary, just the people who quote from them. It’s a shame those lessons aren’t followed by the congregations hedging their bets on a meeting with St Peter.
Don’t watch TV except Bear games. And with Jay Cutller, maybe some preseason.
There are no shacks with a view of any bay, you’re stoked.
Thanks for the link ReB,
With a celestial body like that, half of us would blindly ravage Jessica even if her head looked like Jack Nicholson pushing his way out of a hog rectum. And the other half of you demented carrot-kegelers would watch on night vision video; spanking that mu’fucker like it spilled grape juice on the sofa.
… Don’t lie.
What’s up with the coldwater classic webcast? Yesterday the jacuzzi attendant was doing the commentary and now it’s on but there is no webcast.
@BR, sorry old chap, but Jessica Alba can’t act, so keep in mind she couldn’t even fake an orgasm as your thimble-sized thumb penis finally dribbles its pungent, toxic, evil espuma onto her ass.
Of course, I can tell she’s a squirter, so I’d have to have some ground rules and groundsheets in place before I let her worship the cock.
I guess LS is over at WWTDD or The Dirty looking for ex-girlfriends.
@PeterPerfect,
Regardless of your taste in dangling man-maggots; I would mosh on a litter of kittens with my Doc Martens just for the privilege of hearing Jessica Alba poot into a wet tube sock… it would sound like Madeline Albright’s dying lawn mower refusing to pull-start.
That, I am sure of.
I pray Lewis is busy con-cock-ting the monster post of all-time: The Former Pro-Surfer / Turned Sensitive Folk Artist / Whilst Being a Goo-Goo-Dolls Fellator.
Madeline Albright’s lawnmower used to be the name of my band. How did you know?
Yesterday I forgot to mention that there is one thing more tedious than these fuckwits with their acoustic guitars as chick magnets – no, not them fellating Eddie Vedder – any of them with a ukulele.
… We lay and wait. Or, is it lie and weight?
I play ukulele and I resent that.
Just finished watching Pulp Fiction; I am now more firmly convinced than ever that Chris Cote is Quentin Tarantino’s 3-month premature twin.
i just finished watching the 2007 ASP award show o Fuel TV. I am not convinced of anything new, but do wonder if, after watching Cote interview the chicks, men of diminutive stature ever really feel like men?
Oye! You poofs goo gooing over some bag of bones circa 1990’s are missing out on the now.
Gaga.
http://tiny.cc/Pz8qA
Now pick up your slack.
Did anyone see the “award” ceremony following the Lowers Pro Junior event?
Like pulling teeth with no anesthesia for the audience, the kids couldn’t give a shit. Why bother?
BR, you’re a bit scary dude, but fucking genius.
let’s compare flea’s naked feature shot (all soaped up)…to the lohan
you know you found yourself on the throne looking at that shot him thinking to yourself ‘why am i looking at this?’…why? who agrees to that photo…it’s a-rod esque…
Is Samuels this hard up for material, mermaid was good, laird boobs ok, but this one just sucked. How about a review of say the ASR trade show? Shit you could dedicate a whole seperate website to parade of the sad and delusional at that event. Or how about exposing some more of the behind the scenes BS that goes on. Anything with some substance please. If I wanted to read discussions about cokeheads lesbos, religeon, polotics or rants from guys that never get laid, I would be on craigslist right now.
comment 100!
You and Lazer have the gayest names ever! Comment 101!
I think some of you regulars need to take a step back and think about what you are actually doing. Drinking by yourself on a Saturday night and arguing with people on a surf blog is a bit odd. I am sure Lindsay Lohan even did something less pathetic…well..maybe
Grow up clowns. Enjoyed the post Lewis, some pretty witty stuff overall.
Fuck you Gerald Ford!
Nothing wrong with a little drinky-poo!
Sorry about that Gerry. It was a brutal weekend and postsurf was all i had to distract from the old lady tearing me a new ass. Well, that and http://www.lunacytoons.com/titties.html
check it out! Compete.com… Lewis Samuel’s Postsurf.com racing up the charts, on a twitterish type of projectile.
good on him!
@Gerald Ford,
Hey, in this economy, ‘drinking and fighting on the internet’ is the new ‘buy a boat you can’t afford and invade someone’s surf spot.’
However, as my very favorite P.U.S.A., it’s nice to see that your rotting corpse has maintained its dense baldheaded bumblefucking ways.
I pour a shot of Jamison out in your honor.
Cheers!
lol @ nuthigginbuttplugger.
Lazer is way gayer. It suggests a failed career on the American Gladiators circuit.
And where’s the irony?
I love Gingers…nothing hotter than pasty-see thru-frekled skin and red hair to match!!!!!!! I’m with CJ, “i’m absolutley fatal” for real redheads!!!