One of the very few upsides of running this little corner of internet fuckery known as “PostSurf.com” is that I’ve been granted magical powers by Google Analytics that allow me to see how you all got here.
Whenever I’m feeling pessimistic about the intelligence level of surfers, I just browse the search terms that got them to my site, and suddenly I believe in all that is good with the world again.
Some of the things I can tell you: There are a LOT of people searching for naked photos of Alana Blanchard. There are also a lot of pro-hos searching for permutations of the following: “ProX + divorce” or “ProX + girlfriend” or “ProX + herpes.”
But people don’t just type in search terms – sometimes instead they type in questions for “the Google” to answer. Some of these are really insightful, relevant questions.
Sometimes the Google directs them to Postsurf for answers.
I was hoping that PostSurf’s commenters could answer some of my favorite questions from readers:
(And, yes, these are sadly real questions typed in by real people who really ended up at PostSurf.)
Is scott bass a moron?
alex knost horrible sucks worst?
how to look knost?
chafing penis boardshorts?
does tight pants make me a hipster?
where do the hipsters live in Sydney?
did dave and hannah rastovich separated?
what business opportunities has billabong got?
when does dateline come on tonight?
how to come up with money?
Jimmicane fat wanker?
Why is sean collins a fucking asshole?
how many world titles did bobby martinez win?
what your surfing style says about you?
swine flu punishment from allah?
when is the swine gonna be gone?
does makua rothman have a girlfriend?
makua rothman douchebag?
jewish bankers at the center of the earth?
do jews control the world?
what does backdoor mean in surfing?
is larry david an asshole?
how much money does a surf shop make per year for 15 years?
how to get chola eyebrows?
when are you not considered a kook any more?
fucking genius.
How much money does a surf shop make per year for 15 years?
Trick question, a surf shop wouldn’t last 15 years.
Alex Knost and his cycle-buddy look like two Auschwitz prisoners feasting their eyes on a stray three month old bagel.
Alex: “Don’t look Theodore, but therth a thurprith waiting for uth over by the guard tower!! We gonna haf dinner tonooight!”
I arrived here via a hyperlink on my Church’s website.
That’s right, I’m a priest.
My curiosity got the best of me, so I checked my keywords that deliver my brilliant list of readers to my surf-related blog.
So far the best three are:
1.”who farted” shirt with holes
2. dog turd
3. no popouts
I’m totally SEO’d for No Popouts, holding the #1 ranking, but the “who farted” shirt with holes has me crying over here.
Blasph is a priest…. velvet robes, incense, ceremony, chanting, worshippers, well stocked wine cellar and young men dressed in robes to assist. Drunken with power and fueled by alcohol, the king holds court both on stage (alter) and behind the icon screens. The Wizard of Oz, only tax exempt and prosecution free.
Isn’t Makua Hawaiin for fag?
Who’s gayer, Alex K or his blind buddy in capri’s? ( always thought AK was the bottom… who knew?)
Daiper rash ointment cures Penis rash overnight!
Backdoor is a term Alex Knost never loses in Pictionary.
Chola eyebrows? Place Alex in a closet with a mirror and tweezers…. and emerges a Gothic Dolphin!
To aid PostSurf’s growing clientele, I will provide a compiling of the most common answers, as applicable to the list above.
1. No, Scott Bass is proprietor of a successful magazine that, through savvy marketing tactics and staying true to core surf values, is now composed of 95% advertisements and 5% dedicated to sucking off Dane Reynolds.
2. Yes.
3. Add equal parts tight cut-off jeans pants, long fashionably cut designer bed-head hair, boy’s M size v-neck shirts, boat shoes (NO SOCKS), a longboard you found in your neighbor’s basement, some pretty awful alternative/punk/pop music, and an attitude of self-righteousness obtained by buying Starbucks coffee wholesale instead of from the shop.
4. Uncomfortable and cost-inefficient (Alex Knost and Rob Machado would advise going commando)
5. If by hipster you mean homosexual-in-training, then yes.
6. Don’t know, ask Luke Stedman boyfriend.
7. Yes, but only after she found him in bed with a dolphin, two manatees, and a three-foot rubber cock shaped like a harpoon.
8. Now that Andy quit the tour, Billabong’s collective thinking runs along these lines: “How can we squeeze three World Titles out of a Zoloft-abuser and a midget on amphetamines?”
9. 9:30 Hawaiian (I think)
10. Follow the …Lost advertising scheme; mock the people who buy your stuff, so the people who don’t buy it might.
11. Ummmm
12. Because he fired me…I mean he fired the guy who writes some of the stuff on here, who is neither myself nor Blasphemy Rottmouth.
13. Well, if you count all past and future World Titles that Bobby will win, then subtract from that the number of hours it takes Alex Knost to get dressed, the answer is: -3.5.
Too tired, someone else must continue for me…
hey, i found this site by searching such terms as, Master Sha is a bogus huckster!
and so is Quality$tocks.net.
fucking penny stocks hustlers!!!
HA! Thats nothing. You need to upgrade the the Google Analytics Gold package.
Not only can you see what they’re searching, and what site lead them to yours, but you can also get their IP address and do a reverse look up and get their home address and phone numbers. And thats even for the “anonymous” pos(t)ers.
I stopped reading surf mags when they had Knost give the tour of Newport. His act would be barred immediately everywhere north of 44th street on a south swell. Numerous longtime Newport surfers were more qualified to do that article.
Gentlemen: As much as we all like ripping on Alex Knost, I would like to call your attention to the fact that the man standing on the back of the bike in this post’s picture is, in fact, Pauly Shore. On a related note, where the fuck does Lewis get these pictures?
Yeah, that’s Pauly Shore.
Photos like this should stop all that chatter on the interwebs that this site is gay.
This is classic.
Man… Knost (aka the pitcher) must be really having fun and the dude (aka “the catcher”) is straight out of the movie Deliverance. Lewis where do you find this stuff? Alex already had a hard-on for you but this one takes the cake. Sure you will win his heart over with this post.
Question is, where did this take place and whose the photographer?
Is the photographer a hipster too?
So is Alex being Aranburu’ed by the other hipster driving the bike? No lookie no tellie.
The photo was from Water magazine.
you guys are a bunch of jealous kooks, alex’s lving the life as a pro surfer, RVCA seems to think he’s doing something right, they paid him to be himself and surfed way better than most of you trash talking kooks on this site. go back to your cubicles and shut the fuck off!!!
Yeah Blackies…you and I should hang out. i’d love to explore your tonsils.
So are we saying that Knost is the illegitimate son of Pauly Shore?
@blackies
Dear barely-literate douchebag,
No one said anything about his surfing. But I will now. When he rides a longboard, if you just watch the lower half of his body (and I’m sure you have as you’re clearly gay defending him), he’s Fred Astaire — he can rip. However, if you watch the top half, he’s Ginger Rogers. Or to put it in terms you’ll understand, the top half of his body is gayer than your drag queen boyfriend doing his best “I Will Survive” act at your Sunday afternoon Tea Dance.
@Blackies,
Are talking about my hooker? Because if you are, you need to slap that bitch for me ya hear!?
BR, do you mind? I’m desperately trying to win comment of the weak as nothing will boost my ego like being the chosen one on a blog run by an unemployed Jewish surf journalist. It worked for Mark, who is still cock-a-hoop. Or has his cock in a hoop. Where cock in a hoop = cock-ring.
Damn, I need to pray teh gay away. Again. Who is that delicious hipster on teh bike?
@Blackies,
For this kook, could you please explain ’shut the fuck off’? Is that like Twitter speak for ‘turn your computer off’ or something?
I’m confused.
And I don’t think I am jealous of Alex for my balls are not stuck to my leg due to my overly taut pants. But if you admit that you are the queen sitting on the bike with him, then I’ll say he surfs better then me - deal?
Oh, and before I go - the term “Alex’s” shows possession, you can’t just chuck an apostrophe in between “Alex” and “is” to make a new word.
Carry on
Wouldn’t it be funny if Blackies gazed at enough Alex Knost latently ambiguous photos to gain himself a full arousal… then bent said arousal in the shape of a ‘U,’ before squatting uponst said U-shaped tip??
He’d be properly fucking himself.
And we would be merry.
Btw, “Gothic Dolphin” = lmfao.
I’m still wiping fecal remnants from my chair after reading that.
@PeterPerfect,
You’ll get yours. Just be patient.
Whatever you do; Do. Not. Click. Todd. Martin’s. Penis’. link.
You are warned!
… and I am aroused - fuck you Viagra, it’s been four hours already!
so in that link you said not to look at,which one is Knost
Those who identify with Alex Knost and his steez secretly yearn to be impregnated simultaneously by Good Charlotte and Jeff Spicoli.
@lazer, I just watched a video of the band Japanese Motors featuring this A Knost character and you’ll be pleased to know there is now something far worse than a hippy surfer playing ukulele, I humbly apologize.
And to those who’ll say “but they opened for Modest Mouse!”
1. Their record company probably paid Modest Mouse. It’s common these days.
2. Modest Mouse are not silly. Isaac Brock is not going to have a support band that can upstage him.
Ha! So you admit then, freely, that Makua Rothman is the greatest musician to date?
Bitches! John Mayer rules the singer / songwriter world. Do not tread ‘ponst his carefully woven fabric deeply thoughtless and generic bluesmanship.
John Mayer would eat Makua and shit modest mice… and then drown in a pool of his own self-inflicted blood-bath of irony.
@ lazer, steady on, we have a lot of work to do to repair our relationship. If that ugly ball of Philadelphian roid rage otherwise known as Fast Eddie is asking, yes, Makua Rothman is the greatest musician alive.
Having now witnessed both Japanese Motors and the link that Blasphemy Rottmouth said not to click, my mind is spinning. Which is worse? And why do I feel the two are somehow related? And why do I feel the need to have a scalding hot shower?
Ummm… fabric (of) deeply thoughtless and generic bluesmanship.
Why the fuck can’t we preview before posting? Or have a trashcan to delete our inept postings???
Is THAT too much to ask?
Fuck you a thousand times.
@BR, sounds like your fifth Cosmopolitan talking…
I just watched 1:13 of Japanese Motors. I’m now contacting my lawyers to sue this PeterPerfect character for stealing that valuable time in which I could have been making myself more dunk.
I’m disgustipated.
@BR, bullshit, you were fucking warned. Won’t stand up. Exhibit A:
@lazer, I just watched a video of the band Japanese Motors featuring this A Knost character and you’ll be pleased to know there is now something far worse than a hippy surfer playing ukulele, I humbly apologize.
No further questions. And the plaintiff is clearly intoxhicated.
Pssshhht. Pheteer Pharfekt din’t no sheiiit. Hee’s mammy so uugly Michael Vick electrocuted her.
I shallt refrain from jokes about the allegend rape stand out of respekt for my friends.
Piece out.
@BR, I understand. You’re still hurting about that “unemployed Jewish surf journalist” quip. It’s OK.
Boy,
It didn’t take long for this website to turn into a sad reflection of everyone involved. Lewis Samuels, I hope you know that you are ultimately responsible of making an utter fool of yourself. Maybe it’s time for you to walk through the door and close it behind you. A fast demise of a would be ball licking talent. I’m calling you out ……you are a farce.
After reading Imaikalani’s post I’ve determined a few things:
He/she/it’s mouth is so rotten it needs to brush with neosporin. Its’ insults are so old, they should have been written on papyrus in sanskrit.
Bring something more maleable to the playground next time young toddling.
Well, I guess I can kiss goodbye that ‘comment of the weak’ accolade I was pining for…
Keep trying PeterPerfect.
Mark!
I luf you!
It’s no use Mark. I can see the new header for this website tomorrow already:
“POSTSURF unfiltered thoughts on surf culture by a would be ball licking talent.”
I’m toast.
G’night dickwads!
Don’t forget to turn out the lights as you prepare to fuck the living shit out o’ your empty electrical wall socket’s before relenting to a permanent sleep in a shuderring mass of semi-static flesh.
C-U-2Morrow.
Alana Blanchard is reaaaally hot.
What about Alex Knost? What about that photo? Do I have to say more or it’s all said and done?
Lewis you never answered the real question……are there naked pictures of Alana Blanchard or not? Those might be the only thing more entertaining than seeing A Knost railroad his blindfolded boyfriend on the back of a bike. Much like a horrific car crash I don’t want to see the aftermath, yet I can’t turn away.
Jimmicane fat wanker?
Answer = Yes
and no I didn’t phrase that question on google. Seems other people agree, Jimmicane is a douche =)
who is alex knost?
Picking up where LAZER left off:
14. If you’re Adriano DeSouza, it doesn’t talk to you at all. It just tries to punch you in the face.
15. Yes, of course.
16. If it’s smoked, it should last quite awhile.
17. No, but Alex Knost likes the cut of his ukelele.
18. Try ebay.
19. What about them? Do you have an actual question?
20. Well, that’s a trickier issue thnt you might think. The Jewish bankers at the center of the earth are using advanced credit default algorithms to control the planet’s spin, pitch, and glide. But they’re also locked in a death-battle with the post-911 Protestant Evangelical New-Demonolgists who use chemical contrails to control most of our thoughts and desires. So really it’s kind of a wash.
21. It’s when Alex Knost strokes into a smooth one and sees the cylinder feathering just up ahead…he knows it time to go for a grab, pull in, and wait for the spit. (ps I hate myself now).
22. Let’s see, he’s way more successful than any of us, so… Yes.
23. The syntax of this question actually creates one of the most complex mathematical quandaries of the modern era. This previously-undiscovered logic/feedback anomaly has disrupted operations at the Center-Of-Earth Jewish banker command center, sending the earth markedly out of orbit and drastically reducing our chances for long term survival. Thanks a bunch, you greedy asshole.
24. Don’t event try it. Cholas will cut anyone who tries to take their eyebrows.
25. If you started surfing after the age of 21, I’m afraid the answer is “never.” Unless you’re really, really nice to Alex….
What about me? Aren’t trucker hats better than skinny jeans?
I really hope B.R. isn’t L.S. If so your going full on Roger Clemons on me. From hero to busted A-Rod roid zero. The site kinda went from avant guard surf journo feel to slimy myspace c.h.u.d. vibe. It’s not your fault but I can’t wait till Tahiti so you can do what you do best. Your posts are still pretty killer but some of the feed back is babylon. My fault for reading most of it and being a hypocrite but the power rankings were insane. Mark, do you know Dooma DiLallo(tall Italian big nose Back yards)? One of my best buds, he lives in the Sunset area and has stayed for the last 14 years while I pussed out and moved back to Fl. It was my first year not visiting and wasting my free North Shore room and board.
Damn, Alex looks so on fire in every shot, either still frames or video or moving film that he has to smoke flesh blunts. I saw The Present the other night, it was great and The Mattson 2 were killer and really cool cats as well. Well worth the hour drive and 12 Heinekin hangover. Nothing like their 2000 mile drive from San Diego. Mahalo fellas.
roflmao. bravo!
Might be the greatest post/comments section I’ve read in months. Lots of creative f*ckers littering the blogosphere.
Alex Knost: FAIL
Alex Knost is the epitome of American efficiency. To quote the great Gerald Ford:
“The three-martini lunch is the epitome of American efficiency. Where else can you get an earful, a bellyful and a snootful at the same time?”
Alex lives life like a three martini lunch minus the martinis and the lunch.
He’s so efficient he even named his band the Japanese Motors. Coincidentally, they sound much like a swarm of bees invading the gayborhood
Here’s another Gerald Ford quote just for Mark:
“The political lesson of Watergate is this: Never again must America allow an arrogant, elite guard of political adolescents to by-pass the regular party organization and dictate the terms of a national election.”
Too bad we didn’t heed his advice. Instead we allowed Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Rove to steal not just one but two Presidential elections and f*ck our country in the ass harder than A Knost’s after two Zimas on a night out with Sean Colllins.
if you check it out close enough, surely Al K and his mate are in there somewhere.
My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over.
And Lewis’ next entry begins tomorrow.
Japanese Motors….Didn’t they ask for a bail out? And what the hell is that f*cking dance he is doing in all his videos?!
No offense to his Liberal Left Testicle who has posted above, but why is the man himself, Weispecker, contaminating Mexico now?
New book > depart from Costa Rica > falling ill > arrival of Weispecker in Mex > Swine Flu pandemic…..
Hrmmm, think about it.
*Disclaimer - I do like his books.
I see those stupid hipsters everywhere wearing american apparel and tight jeans trying to be “just like so in with life” like for some reason they think there doing something different, i can see all young hipsters saying to there kids one day,”it was like so different back then like we got a black president everything was changing it was just like different times” nope sorry all hipsters maybe if i throw a v-neck of a bridge they will all follow.
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…wouldn’t it be mind-blowing to be a famous icon like that. So much fame and probably oodles of money, too!
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