Ben Dunn
Tahiti Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =35
I’ve been wracking my alcohol-drenched brain, trying to determine if there was ever a more boring Australian pro surfer than Ben Dunn. Ces Wilson? Jake Spooner? Bryce Ellis? Ben Dunn might take the cake. If you’re gonna be a bottom-rung guy, might as well make it interesting – like Rod Kerr did. According to the legendary Derek Hynd, Rod “The Box” almost single-handedly peer-pressured the entire 1991 ASP tour into months of drunken, debauched hedonism. He beat Damien Hardman in a 36-hour, 2-continent drink-off, even though Hardman smoked Kerr in heats. Hardman was moved enough to declare “It should be a double World Championship.” If Ben Dunn managed to egg Slater into 36-hour drinking contests, I’d claim the kid. No such luck, but I’ll tip my hat to Dunn’s monumental backside progress: Last year at Chopes, Dunn’s performance was so bad Rabbit called it an embarrassment. This year, Dunn got shacked, put up 16.00 in R1, and then came within 1 second of beating Mick Fanning in R2.
Roy Powers
Tahiti Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =35
I’m honestly shocked by just how boring of a group of surfers I’ve assembled to write about today. Take a look at these 5 vanilla wafer bastards. They seriously should form an a cappella group and sing Michael Bolton tunes, instead of compete on tour. On paper, Roy Powers seems like the kind of guy who should excel in Tahiti. Like the Irons Brothers, he grew up surfing shifty, hucking, critical tropical pits. But Powers has gotten a 33rd in Tahiti each of the three times he’s surfed the Billabong Pro. Worse yet, Powers has never scored over 10 points total in any of his losing efforts. These are Jihad Khodr-type stats. Granted, Teahupoo was hit by a small hurricane during Roy’s 5.87 point heat against Mick Campbell. But did that stop that freaky little ginger leprechaun from getting shacked? No sir, it did not.
Phillip MacDonald
Tahiti Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =35
Phil MacDonald is another example of a surfer not to bet on at Teahupoo. He’s surfed the event 7 times, in every variety of condition, and he’s managed to win 2 out of 14 heats. I thought Roy Powers stats were pitiful, but Macca’s numbers are just plain shameful. His most recent heat win, against Wardo in R1, was handed to him. Wardo burned Macca in the first 10 seconds, copped an interference, and Ward still almost managed to win the heat. Macca got one deep little dogger for a 6.83, but compared to the better backsiders, Phil’s stance looks about as stylish and flexible as that of a He-Man action figure. Perhaps Macca thought his terrible luck was turning around – but it wasn’t so much luck as Wardo’s idiocy that handed him the heat. In the next heat, Phil scored a TOTAL of .77 points. The only lower scores in ASP history have come when Brazilians have refused to take off on a wave during heats on big days.
Marlon Lipke
Tahiti Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =35
I got a lot of flak for making some unfortunate German jokes about Marlon Lipke in the last Power Rankings. On a rational level, I understand that it’s totally unfair to make comedic generalizations about zee Germans. But on an emotional level, I can’t get past that one time zee Germans backed a sociopathic leader who attempted a genocide against my people. And there were those two world wars that Germany started… Anyhoo, I’m willing to look past all that, because Marlon Lipke has solid barrel steez (good enough for two 7’s in R1). It was Marlon’s first time at Chopes. When asked how he did so well, Marlon made pretty much the same point I did a couple days ago: “The wave is so good. You just have to stand up and go straight when you get the good one. Anyone can do it.” That quote won me over.
Greg Emslie
Tahiti Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =35
Watching Greg Emslie surf Teahupoo is like watching someone try to slit their wrists with a wooden spoon. Over the years, Emslie has won a couple heats at the Billabong Pro but the majority of times he’s bombed out. It was another 33rd this time around for Bigfoot. Against Bottle Thompson in R1, Emslie simply never took off deep enough to compete. On one wave he banged some hooks off the shoulder, on another he tried in vain to back into a shack parking space, like a senior citizen with a neck brace. Way back in the 90s, Slater helped lead a revolution in backside tuberiding by proving that dragging ass and backdooring peaks can be an advantage. From the antiquated look of Emslie’s approach, he never tuned in, turned on, and dropped in.
“slit their wrists with a wooden spoon” “Senior citizen with a neck brace” Torching Mr Emslie.
Mc D’s .77 is all one need remember. How do you even do that? Why wasn’t it a .65?????? He was overscored.
“acappela group of Bolton tunes”.
Worth waiting for.
While Lipke the person is a true German, Lipke the surfer is really a product of Portugal. Did they do anything to the Jews?
I agree with you Lewis. These group of guys are moring boring than watching my great aunty file off the bunyons on her little toes on a Tuesday afternoon. I am so bored with the “elite” top 45 that I am going to start smoking speed from that mexican guy Chavez who lives in a van down by the river just to get through the internet webcasts when these guys surf and when listening to Dino Andino commentate. Anyways, Chavez just showed up and I need to get my stash piled up before Brazil because I know it’s going to be a loooooong contest.
Lewis’s latest post.
6.37
Without the Emslie jabs it woulda been a 5.1
BLAS ROTT is a homosexual
@Mark,
So what if he is?
Mark
Wait till you have something to say before you wake Blasphemy.
Wait a minute.
Roy Powers should have been moved WAY Up the rankings for what I believe is the comment of the whole connest. Best part is Billabong used it as official interview footage. Couldn’t believe I heard it the first time, then the second time it was proof.
Something to the effect of:
“I miss my girlfriend, you know she has that “touch”. MY FUCKING BALLS ARE LIKE WATERMELONS!!!”.
-totally classic.
By the way, what is the lowest Heat score of all time (if not 0.77) and who is the brazzo that did that?
PB - if he is, Mark would never vote for him or let him get married. He might pray for him though.
No Stu, praying for him might be misconstued as approval of a deviant lifestyle that deserves less human rights.
Hey, did you see the footage of the neck injury rehab on Surflie? In all his glory, diminutive Dustin Barca gets adjusted by Dr Tim. The photo makes Tim look enormous, like standing next to Shrek! Brown is hardly a large man…… meaning Dustin is another tour twinkie.
So much for the hard ass scowl, Barca.
you forget that pro surfing is a world of midgets. the goods can barely drive without a phone book on the seat as a booster.
Lewis,
I don’t like the banal link between Lipke and the Holocaust either. That’s a lot to throw on a surfer who more likely than not finds that era of history to be an unspeakable horror.
It’s no more fair for you to throw in a Nazi pic behind Lipke in your previous power rankings than it would be for me to photoshop a photo of an Israeli bomb heading for Palestinian children behind a picture of you.
Or perhaps you should photoshop a white supremacy icon behind Jordy Reynolds because he’s South African?
The point is you’re acting on prejudice, and not reason, when you associate the individual with the horror commited simply because he was born in the offending nation.
haha, you said jordy reynolds.
BTW, I actually think that despite his superior genetic make-up, Mr. Lipke would be despised by Adolph - he sitting behind some very dark-skinned folks in the rankings which just isn’t acceptable.
Woops. What a dumbass. I meant Dane Smith.
mr. postsurf, i’m confused…i agree these guys can be a little boring at times, but lipke? he really does surf well, i had a chance to watch him surf in portugal before he made the tour and was impressed….he has that cold, technical approach that germany is known for with a little “cozido a portuguese” thrown in….i think you guys have a lot in common, apparently you both live in countries you don’t claim (lipke is german but grew up and lives in portugal) and you (are american but claim “…….”?)Did I miss something, or aren’t you American? (i don’t know if your native San Francisco counts because of the frivolity of the man-friendly bath houses that ensued in the 70’s,80’s & 90’s…). I really have no recollection of Germany ever sending Americans to a concentration camp, did I miss something on the History Channel? You and Lipke should take a trip to Micronesia and discuss your deep seated German angst….
p.s.
surfing isn’t the UFC/MMA, it’s just surfing….we’ve had our run as press darlings and now we will fade back into anonymity like we did in the 70’s as public interest wanes…that’s ok w/me….
p.p.s.
i’m seeing postsurf but hearing glenn beck….
this msg. was sent during previews at a west la theater waiting for the new terminator flick to start….peace on everyone….
Otherwise, brillant work Lewis. He-man action figures and barbershop quartets? Me likes.
Hate to post the obvious, but….
Who financed the third reich? Talk about rabbit holes….
And how many Poles died in the holocaust? Funny how proprietary European Jews feel about their loss, as disgusting as it was for everyone. That last sentence can have you imprisoned in many countries, why the gag legislation of an unassailable truth? The world is fucked by the fuckery masquerading as fact.
As for Mr Lipke’s placement, think anyone paid for losing to Jesse Owens back in the day?
I noticed Frodo Baggins has made another appearance in these rankings despite the fact that I once again missed him in the actual contest. If he does in fact exist, I would say, go easy on him — he’s carrying the ultimate burden.
pimpy says….i’ll bet samuels couldn’t get proper financing for a bmw or a benzio, that’s where his distrust begins….going to popoyo in the morn…yeah!
@ the critic’s critic,
Lewis is Jewish. Believe it or not, one can be both American and Jewish. Oh yeah, and in case you missed it, Nazi Germany engaged in the systematic murder of millions of Jews.
Enjoy terminator dude!
In the interet of fairness LS should use a photo of General Custer, a blanket infected with smallpox and a Bible for the Hobgood pics.
“The point is you’re acting on prejudice, and not reason, when you associate the individual with the horror commited simply because he was born in the offending nation.”
Balz, LS isn’t looking to act on reason, he’s acting humor.
And I’m unfamiliar with the work commited. Is that like a civil-union/cohabitation between two homosexual mites? Darn, I just offended the mite and LGBT demographic. Please send this entire message to the Ministry of Truth’s memory hole.
Now that was funny, butt nug.
Before I have to visit Tim Brown’s blog on surfline and probably get censored, does anyone know a good cure for DRY SACK? The waves have been flat and I’ve been beating off profusely. Please help. Thx.
Fuck you, Lewis. You associated us with Ben Dunn.
I will spit on you if you ever come to my Incan paradise.
Don’t ever imply us boring again!
And better not come to Brazil, that’s just a short seven week hike for us. I’ll personally chew your scrotum like cud and give you a hoof spelunking.
Erik, you are partially correct. The first post it was an attempt at humor by Lewis. This time, however, Lewis attempted to justify it by explaining that he is Jewish and therefore Germans and the Holocaust are fair game. And personally, I don’t find that acceptable, nor do I find it funny.
I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about with respect to the rest of your post. I do find that kind of funny.
Start acting on reason, you insensitive fuckwit!
Fuck you Lewis! We’re offended too.
Can we call him Lewish?
i think those are alpaca…they spit but not as often
Benn Dunn: Sure, no one can remember any wave he’s ever ridden. But, he can crab walk the entire length of a rugby field on all three of his testicles. So he’s got that going for him.
Roy Powers: Roy is far from boring. I vividly recall that one time he stole Bob Dole’s pen and used it to rape an anteater’s snout. And just to prove he wasn’t stupid, he once proved string theory by writing his theorems with gravy skins in the Waimea shorebreak.
Macca: Can’t top the He-Man style analogy.
‘Nips’ Lipke: I think he’ll rip it up in Brasil. Provided he gets through customs without them detecting the Hasidic lampshade collection he totes around in his fanny pack.
Greg Emslie: He looks like a pencil eraser. To make matters worse, he surfs like a No. 2. No, not the pencil.
Mark is an androgynous fencepost, that wakes up every morning to the patient panting of a Yorkshire Terrier, as it mirthfully wet humps the splinters of his shaft, before finishing with a bukkake flourish.
Mark at 10:33 a.m. was NOT me. F you faker!
P.S. Although I do agree with Mark at 10:33 a.m. He has a good point about Blas Rotts sexuality.
I was driving past 2 foot Lani’s at 10:33 a.m. ( 7:33 a.m.) on my way to my shitty job.
@trauzersnake - try pleasuring yourself with Eurcerin. It feels good and you’ll have the softest sack this side of the north pole.
WOW, another Lipke / Nazi reference and quoting Derek Hynd. How original.
Take Mike’s job offer, Mark. You’ll thank him for it later.
@shreddy
Thanks, bud. Finally something I can really use from this fuckery, and I didn’t have to have Tim Brown’s grubby paws fondling my sack.
“And I’m unfamiliar with the work commited. Is that like a civil-union/cohabitation between two homosexual mites? Darn, I just offended the mite and LGBT demographic. Please send this entire message to the Ministry of Truth’s memory hole.”
Balz, that was me making fun of your typo as I made one myself. Erik, you fuckwit!
It should have read, “…unfamiliar with the word commited.”
And sorry, Mr. Alpaca, I may have not been specific enough as I wrote under the Llama Squad. My apologies.
@ Blasphemy Rottmouth at 12:47 p.m.
O.K. this is getting freaky.
I happen to be the proud owner of an 8 pound terrier-chihuahua mix who sleeps with my wife and I every night.
Yesterday I forgot to take him out for his nightly piss and he rewarded my idiocy last night by hosing down our bed with stinky dog urine all over the sheets and the mattress. Now my wife has yet another reason to loathe my existence.
Rot’s comment at 12:47 p.m. is a little too close to the truth.
Where do you live again mr. Rottmouth?
Mark: You have an 8-pound terrier chihuahua mix that sleeps with your wife?
@Mark,
I’m surprised you didn’t notice the effervescent glow of my laptop, as I sat perched in the palm just outside your bedroom window last night.
And tell your wife to leave the curtains on the bathroom window open a little more the next time she tinkles.
Can we get in on that?
ruthless commentary Luis, oh I mean lewis
How about a WCT event at the pit?
Andrew could be the wildcard, then you could disect him as a WCT darkhorse
I meant he sleeps with my wife AND I.
@BR
Just make sure you use eurcerin. Don’t make the same mistakes I have, especially in the tropics.
Llama Squad at 1:20 pm was NOT me. F you faker!
(My Mark-like reaction. I will now, however, franchise “Llama Squad”. Send your checks to Mark’s tinkling wife, she manages Accounts Payable.)
Lol @ all you guys.
Like none of you have ever slept with a dog before.
Psshhhhh.
He sleeps with my wife AND ME. You sick bastard.
STAY IN CHARACTER FUCKWITTS.
“Sheep are slow and tasty, and therefore must remain constantly alert.” (Bruce Schneier)
Just finished watching the new Terminator flick (i give it 3.5 out of 5 coconuts), and while watching the movie had this rising feeling that because of my contrary feelings on Mr.PostSurf’s criticisms that I’m on some kind of Department of Surf Truth hit list run by Skynet (joining Surfline, Billabong & Marlon Lipke), which also happens to be based in San Francsico…creepy, eh? I have this rising feeling, as do i’m sure many of our lower rung asp competitors, that i will soon start seeing virus-infected emails and new squads of da hui goons will be cruising the beaches of my homebreak, or it could just have been the movie…..as Benny Hill said: “If you go to a party and don’t know who the fool is, it’s probably you”…Beware my lads, we’re the sheep….
p.s. this post was made on the way home to heat up a nice pre-dinner snack of tortillas & scrambled eggses….
Mark: I wasn’t judging, simply inquiring. In fact, I might be inspired to write a short sceenplay about it, something along the lines of…oh I don’t know, maybe ‘Old Yeller’ meets ‘Wifeswap’ starring the talking pug in ‘Men in Black’ and Sharon Stone.
All: On a more serious note, I feel Lewis Samuels has free reign to poke fun at the Motherland as he sees fit, much like I give myself permission to mention the white devils’ illegal overthrow of the Queen.
That said, Yaweh forbid this blog turn into an uncomfortable mix of surf/politico discourse. Are we to be treated to an entry on Jordy Smith and apartheid? Let’s leave politics to Bill O’Reilly, Jesse Ventura, and Mark and Mike (albeit poorly for the latter two).
PS to Mark: This is what happens when you throw your significant other into the discussion. That’s why I leave mine chained to the bed face-down wearing nothing except butterscotch and Fritos. Oops
@Lazer,
Thanks. Now I have a boner and can’t get up from my desk until it goes away.
Wait… I just thought of Mark’s mum. S’all good now.
Carry on.
Why can’t you people simply talk about pro surfing?
Is there an online comment section on World Pro Surfers.com?
How about Water magazine.com?
I just want informed, insightful comments on the current state of pro surfing. I am tired of hearing how fat my mom is or how Blashemy Rottmouth was masturbating outside my bathroom window while my wife was taking a pee this morning.
Lewis can’t you control these people?
@Mark, but that’s exactly where the state of pro surfing is right now. I dunno why the other sports treat surfing as somehow a less than serious discipline. If something is used as a marketing tool to reach teenage kids, it’s probably gonna end up involving a lot more wanking than inisghtful discourse.
These comments are “GOING ORFFFFF”!!
Mark, does your wife “work” with geriatrics? I’ve got an itch only she can scratch. And by itch I mean a 12” tube steak lookin for a clambake. I’m pretty sure I can get her to go orffffff just like those little Newport homos in their Counter Culture shorts and Hypercolor shirts back in the 80’s.
I’m insulted Lazer…
but your wife sounds like a buffet to me, lick,lick, crunch. Why don’t you send a link to the video? Don’t have a copy? Blasphemy has the entire catalogue and is generous with his inventory.
@Stu, Mark is too scared to succeed. You know, fear based ideologies…. my bad, theologies. He probably wouldn’t know what to do with empty surf anyway. You can lead a horse to water….. And if he can’t manage a lap dog, maybe a territory and a legit career was unsustainable anyway.
Free Radical is right.
The reason this discourse becomes distracted so easily is that pro surfing is irrelevant to us.
A BIllabong exec once told me that pre teen indoctrination is their corporate mantra. ” We lock kids into our brand for 15 years and replace the upper ages atrition with the next wave of 6th graders”.
Wow, Erik cracks the rock mexican comment one day, lectures against racial profiling the next. What school are you teaching at?
@ Mike
I will see you in late July. I haven’t worn a suit for over 5 years but I will be looking DAMN fine in one for my interview.
And I have farkin RIPPED in EMPTY PERFECTION right here in my open air prison 2 or 3 times in the past 2 weeks.
Are you using reverse psychology to fire me up or are you simply going back on your word like your hero President Obama? Which one is it boss man?
@Mark
If we did that, it might as well be surfline, the diversions are much more fun, take the chopes contest and subjects of the first two installments of the power rankings as case in point.
I’d rather make fun of Dr. Tim Brown beginning his session with Dustin Barca. “OK Dustin, I’m going to have to take your temperature, open wide while I slide my wet tip between that big gap in your grill…this is going to hurt you more than it hurts me.
That is fine mr. Snake but how many times have you heard YOUR mother called a fat slut in the past couple of months?
@Mark
I am not your boss, only the director.
You’ll never wear a suit for me.
Glad to hear that you’re scoring waves, wish I was.
I am as disappointed in Obama as your are scared of him.
Email the website and you’ll be directed to my office. There is some homework that would help you consider if you’re interested.
You are the profile of what I am looking for, Conservative Republican Nice guy.
Our clients see me roll up in a hybrid, paper thin 6′4″ reclining in the passenger seat and all they see is dope smoking hippy. If Ritchie Cunningham pulls up in a truck with a Bush/Cheney sticker, they are all ears and THE PRODUCT SELLS ITSELF.
Water and labor are looming issues above every Ag business in America, a potential about to blow up.
@ Mark
Yeah that’s true, and it’s kind of lame. Maybe that Dave T asshole will comment again, I really missed out on all the fun of that cock-whipping. Even though I’m a foul-mouthed sinner, I myself stay away from people’s mothers.
Lipke / Nazi again? Just as unfunny as the first time. Oy. Should your blog become the venue where people discuss in the comments just how wonderfully the Jews have treated the Palestinians since being handed Palestinian land? Didn’t think so. Bombing Lebanon with outlawed weapons that are still maiming innocent children today? Didn’t think so.
But still, I can’t wait for the Slater/Syrian Terrorist post. Come on, funding Hezbollah is funny. How about Slater with a rocket launcher on his shoulders. Oh, that’s right you don’t have the balls because Slater is a bigger target than some unknown Portuguese/German surfer on his first year on tour. What about the Nazis who escaped to Brazil? Surely you could find one of the Brazilians who has a connection to the Nazis? That would be funny. Or not. Oh, and Blasphemy Rottmouth and the Hasidic lampshade collection — no problem for Lipke in Brazil, those Nazi’s and their offspring have been in and out of Brazil since the early 1940s.
You are a witty, sometimes insightful writer, but as you can see by most of the reactions here, you can write this stuff and put a little hitler doll in your pictures, but it just shows that you’ve go nothing to say about Lipke and plenty of people find it offensive.
This ‘emotional level’ problem you have with the Germans is typical of Americans — you need a bogeyman. But a few generations out and with Lipke born and living in Portugal (going on tour as the first German national clearly holds some advantages for Lipke) it just appears odd, out of place and once again, not very funny. It’s racist, kinda like your constant Brazilian jokes. Perhaps on an ‘emotional level’ you should boycott Brazil because they harboured Nazis.
Lipke was being modest when talking about tube-riding skills. If it’s so easy how come Lipke surfed the barrel so much better than the rest of the bottom-dwellers here? I don’t even remember him from the first two events, but here he showed skills.
Perhaps before you resort to the Lipke/Nazi fallback position next time, think about whether you’d have the balls to goose-step and do a Hitler mustache in front of Lipke. Because that’s what you’re doing with this crap here. I wouldn’t defend someone punching you out because of what you said about their surfing, that’s fair game, but with what you’ve said about Lipke, I’d just hope someone has a video camera when it happens.
Sorry to interrupt the serious Blasphemy Rottmouth and Mike’s mom/Mike’s wife sex tape scandal., it’s compelling stuff to half a dozen cubicle-dwellers.
@ trauzersnake
I would even settle for nealdude right now.
Anything to get that foul mouthed piece of swine crap Blasphemy Rottmouth to take his focus off of my family.
Hey Lewis can you please hurry up with numbers 31 to 35?
Thanks
You had me Unemotionaloutsider until you confused me with Mark and lazer….
But the boogey man thing is a tool of power, create fear and the sheep will roll over for the saviour. Opiate of the masses, religion. Wolves guarding the hen house.
Israel’s bombing of a defensless, herded civilian population (gaza) is a crime to humanity. They’re using American technology and every person in the US that voted Republican has murder on their report cards. Good luck with your St Peter, “Conservatives”.
@ Unemotionaloutsider
EASY Steinbeck.
We try and keep our comments UNDER 3,000 words here bro.
Lmfao @ Unemotionaloutsider
Hey Smyrna, do you need a job? Florida is open.
Another collective digital loaf we pinched off on this site today. Nice work, gentleman (queue in God Bless America).
Mike I clicked your name and no web site came up.
I hate Germans as much as I hate Jews. You guys need to stop descriminating. It’s polite to hate equally.
Now, instead of the smallpox blanket for the Hobgoods, I think a fuckin’ medal of fucking honor or a goddamn dove would be more appropriate. We saved the Jews from extinction(even though that was a by-product of our efforts), and turned that shit ticket called Europe, back to the fucktards.
Furthermore, If native americans wanted to keep this land, they should have armed themselves and their stead. They should have invented steel and the stirrup and they might have been alright. No, those crazy redmen doomed themselves by not pushing the technology envelope. Wow, I feel better about my house sitting on a Choctaw Burial Mound already!
To the queers on this “site”, If nature intended you to fuck asshole, there would be no other choice on the appropriate partner. In that ridiculous dimension pussy on a slut would look like Neo’s mouth in that interrogation. There would be only a brown starfish hanging beneath a hump of ill concieved flesh where, in the current demension a pussy should be. Babies would be born through the anal canal and spend 40 weeks gestating in the large intestine. I guess in that dimesion then stench of Rottmouths Moms labia would be considered desirable.
Gay=shit smells.
I heard Nealdude jacks off to footage of slaughtered Palestinian orphaned dung beetles.
Okay, that went too far. I’m censoring myself for the evening.
See you all on Tuesday.
@Lewis Goldberg:
Marry me!
MARLON LIPKE = GERMANY = HITLER = NOT LIKE JEWS = NOT LIKE MARLON LIPKE = JOKEY UMBRAGE FUNNY HA HA INTERNET FUCKERY GIGGLES
I’m flattered(plastered)! I will be coy to your advances, for now.
Ban Nate Curran, Gabe Kling and Ben Dunn!
What does Mike have against Palestinians?
Why must he say we are “herded”? That word connotes strongly. Are you saying we are dumb livestock? Fuck You!
I will personally mortar your ass!
I will Fatah your Hamas in a heartbeat you verbal viper! Sneaky serpent.
We have saying, “When serpent play pretend nice, put it in a mother fucking bag and beat it shit out.”
Is King Kong also a Neo-Nazi? His pic is ‘tween to adorable Adolf doll and Hienrich Lipke.
@Lewis Goldgerg, I play with my shit all day. It’s a primates prerogative.
Does that make me a gay gorilla?
Bark. Woof.
I like to take mean shits and watch Lewis pick it up with a bag.
Are you fucking kidding me? I wouldn’t touch his shit with no bag. Nigga please.
In case you were all wondering, since this has gotten political.
Obama is a kook in and outa da water, ok.
There here let the clowining begin.
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Gorilla in the Mist,
Yes, you are a gay. Sadly, it’s not because you play with your own stool. Ney, in your perverse case, you are gay because you like to fuck young orangutan boys in their little purple asses. Boy orangutan asshole is to be sought out and ravaged like so many bananna’s in your sick world. Playing with feaces is not indicative of being a LGBT, as you said, it is a primates prerogative. However, cocksucking and buttfucking orangutan boys is indicative of said condition. If I can be of further assistance, please don’t hesitate to let me know.
PS. Just curious, does orangutan shit stick to your pelvic fur?
Didn’t Jihad score a ten at Teahupoo last year? This year he looked like Fred Flintstone in his heat versus AI. He could blame his demise on the toughest draw of R1, but there are too many left barrels on tour for Jihad to underperform the way he did.
hehe I called Jihad Fred Flinstone hehe I’m like Lewis lite except I think under perform is one word. Cooperate cock is yummy
Hey lewis,
Muscroft changed his photo for ya all smiles now my vote for the new best tour photo now goes to(drum roll please) Drew Courtney, he looks like Richard fucking Simons in that teal tank top
So Lewis…How can you let those schmucks over at Surfline get their Power Rankings out before yours? What are you waiting for? Finish this mess already. We have bile to spew.
@ Lewis
Can I fondle your balls later? .. I’m bored of my wive’s saggy nuts
Does anywon even reed my comments?
Finally BR is showing his true colors. I thought he was a homo… but it turns out he’s bi… you go girl!
Ok those last two posts were not me.
Me & Lewis again? Just as unfunny as the first time. Oy.Perhaps before you resort to the Mike/Mark fallback position next time, think about whether you’d have the balls to goose-step and do a Lewis mustache in front of PeterPerfect. Because that’s what you’re doing with this crap here. I wouldn’t defend someone punching you out because of what you said about their surfing, that’s fair game, but with what you’ve said about Lewis, I’d just hope someone has a video camera when it happens.
Sorry to interrupt the serious Mark and Mike’s mom/Mike’s wife sex tape scandal., it’s compelling stuff to half a dozen cubicle-dwellers.
No. How can anyone ever get bored of their wifes saggy nuts? I am afraid that’s all I have on offer anyway; old, dirty, empty, blown-out, balls. Once they were IT, and now they don’t even know what IT is. But as your mom always said, before she went mute from all the facefucking, they’re MY old, dirty, empty, blown-out, balls!
I just love that Wardo, with one other guy out, with money on the line, for no sensible reason whatsover, just can’t help but burn a man. Sorry, burn a “person.” Wouldn’t want to be sexist or anything, I mean, like, I don’t um, punch, uh…. shit nevermind.
Why do I get equated with llamas?
I don’t like it that I get dragged into this weird Germany thing and then called a tool by Mark, eh? I’m just a bogey-style man who likes to drop it in real deep at the Chopes, then go straight and get spit out in the channel going Mach 15 so I scares the gapers in their aluminium-awning skiffs.
Bogey Style is the Only Style!
Mark next time you call the Bogey a tool he’s going to fade you for reals. If not it’s all on the level.
Hey! they’re using an accountant…I like that! (even though I still couldn’t bear to read it) Maybe he can do a break-even analysis on how many times I can jack off each day with the constraint of getting dry sack. Or maybe he can express an independent opinion on whether gorilla in the mist is gay because he plays with his feces. Or perhaps an audit of the origination of the weaponry used by isreal against lebanon in 2006. Public trust…good stuff, I’m shitcanned….fuck all of you
dave mccaully was pretty boring to watch
I just got this fucking hammock hung perfect when I began stroking and wham! on the hardwood, dick-in-hand, wrapped up like a giant chicken flauta….GAAWDDAMMIT!!!!!
I don’t appreciate Lewis’ dog’s comments, unless I should…
Regardless, I want to cut his nuts off.
You wallow rival in the affliction of the attention a blog earns Lewis Hate the Germans (some of my best friends) are German, and Chinese and Arabic, and Iranian and White sands. How do you manage to keep up with all of this? Must be an inner thing. Oh wait, yes I do, never mind.
I saw you surfing, and then walking towards Mollusk.
I watched you get out of your hipster street clothes.
The thonged throngs reveled in your godlike chosen presence at Pipeline Beach Pacifica.
And though for art though stammering ing this ilked diatribe of ill begotten contrivance be thou damned
to flatness and an eternal locals sorry, depressed and increpid existence at Ocean Beach Hippie Cali Frisco Traitor trailorville.
Bvbbv…etc: What the fuck was that? Is that even English?
Thanks for the impersonation, Mark.
Blasphemy Rottmouth isn’t Lewis, he’s too intelligent.
My bad.
@Bvbbvbbbbbbbbbb
I did your act kid.
I haven’t been to the City for years.
What is Mollusk like?
Just skimmed through Kanga’s power rankings through my Memorial Day drove home up the East Side slowly past 15 major parties semi beer goggles.
Have to admit Ian is a good writer as well as a rabid, hard to the core fan of pro surfing. Of course the pedigree needs no intro from a kook like me.
All I am saying is Ian Cairns wrote a good power rankings for Surfline. I haven’t read the other guys stuff yet. Lewis IS the MAN however and he DID invent the PR. I guess what I am trying to say is there is no way to replace Lewis but if you had to I would choose Ian. And I BETTER not get accused of ball licking here!!!!
@Blasphemy Rottmouth 7:39 – 7:47
Are you kidding me? If you’re going to felch my name and post illiterate opiates for the stunted, then at least mention the fact that your eyes are so close together it’s impossible for you to avoid Stop sign poles. You’ll get that joke around the same time your first child starts mimicking everything you say and do.
Seriously Lewis, it’s high time we had a secure login for this site. I realize you know which comments are authentic based on the email addresses given upon our log in; but the rest of us are left at the mercy of mindless mercenaries - cherry pickers that haven’t the intestinal fortitude to fillet a fortune cookie.
I hate to keep beating a dead Mark’s mother’s corpse; but if you’re going to take my name, shouldn’t we at least consummate this shit? And by ‘consummate,’ I mean: the eye socket of your scavenged-skull accepting my prodigious phallus.
Lick, Lick, Lick….. “Mark, can you move down the taint a bit, mate” Kanga growns as he raises his feet to the air.
I know you’re used to blind idolitry, PostMark, but as brilliant as Lewis sometimes may be, he’s building on the genius that was Derek Hynde.
Blasph, don’t worry about your legacy….. the posers can’t fake your deviant bent. You’ll continue to get full credit.
@ Mike
I wouldn’t expekt anything less.
I’m getting you’re name tattooed on my ass ring underneeth ‘Kala’
Too much information, BR…. let it be a surprise for Mark
@Mike. Took the words right out of my mouth, but the true OG power ranker’s last name is spelled Hynd… no e. Not a big deal, but…
@everyone. As much as I enjoy you all taking the piss out of each other, the Jews/Arabs/Nazis comments and all the scatology is getting a bit old. Going to move up the PRs a bit and see if you’ve all grown up a bit since this last series of comments.
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