Tim Reyes
Tahiti Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =30
Who knew that Timmy Reyes could grow hair? I erroneously believed him to be prematurely bald, like you know who and that other guy. So when Tim showed up at Chopes with curly locks, I kid you not, I thought he’d sprung for a toupee for this contest. I was all like “Daaaaamn, homegirl must be makin some Benjamins from O’Neill to afford that rug… shit looks real!” That’s how I talk. I’m actually a 52-year-old overweight black grandmother from Birmingham. I’ve never surfed before, but when a chatroom turned me on to the fact that almost everyone in the surf industry is a moron, I figured it would be really easy to take over. On to moronic statistics: In Tahiti, Tim Reyes managed to beat Picon in the lowest scoring heat in Chopes history, despite a staph infection in Reyes’ elbow. Against Kieren Perrow, Reyes tied with 11.50 but lost on a countback.
Tiago Pires
Tahiti Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =30
Before you name your firstborn after Aritz Aranburu, consider this: Like Aritz, Tiago Pires also unexpectedly beat Slater and then made the semis (last year in Bali). But, after that Tiago accomplished little else, requalifying through the WQS, not the CT. And this season, Tiago’s been on a losing streak, following up two 17ths with a 33rd at Chopes. Worse yet, the Portuguese Tiger deserved to lose this time – normally he’s ripped off. In their R1 match, Tiago played the waiting game, while Josh Kerr kept busy. Tiago held down the highwave, with a technical 9.10 shack, an impressive feast as Pires’ barrel was preceded and followed by small seizures. Tiago finally lined up a second set wave, but he basically choked and blew a perfect shack. Instead of grabbing rail off the drop, he apparently decided he was Bruce Irons and went for the no-hander. The tiger got pitched. Meowwww.
David Weare
Tahiti Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =30
Honestly, it’s actually extremely gratifying for me when guys blow waves and lose heats deservedly. It offers a bullet-proof reason to talk shit, and I’d probably be doing that anyway. Davey Weare? This simple, wheat thin motherfucker botched two of the best looking waves of the entire event. On the first, Weare slotted it nicely and then got blasted in a last little clamping clamshell. It was the type of section AI (even in his current state) would have made in his sleep. The second wave Weare blew was straight-eight shameful. Confronted with a perfect section, that looked like, well, Teahupoo, Dave appeared to momentarily freeze up, as if drawing a blank on how to ride the barrel. Unsure whether to stall or grab rail, Weare chose to dig rail and got splattered instead. It was the rough equivalent of a teenager getting Megan Fox naked and then throwing up on her.
Chris Ward
Tahiti Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =35
Wouldn’t it be great if Chris Ward took a page from the book of my favorite author/surfer, David Eggers, and became a writer? I’d love to see Wardo transition from the debauched, drug-addled life of a pro surfer to the role of sensitive, insightful scribe. That’s the second act I’d like to see for Chris Ward, as opposed to following in the footsteps of Anthony Ruffo or something. But who knows? Perhaps prison will change him, if Wardo’s legal troubles actually land him in prison. Prison changed Sunny Garcia – oh, wait, scratch that. But prison changes some people. Why is it that convicts become Muslims in prison, or born-again Christians, or gang members, but they don’t ever seem to ever become Jews? Think about it. Mull it over. I’d like to see people go to prison and emerge as cynical, bitter, self-serving Jewish writers, who beat up on people using sarcasm. Now that is a gang I would join.
Dustin Barca
Tahiti Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =30
Look, just to put this whole “Lewis is scared of Hawaiians” rumor to rest: I’m not scared of Hawaiians. I’m scared of getting beat up by Hawaiians. PSCHYE! Just joking. I’m totally not scared. Why not, you may ask? Because I have my own gang. It’s only been three sentences or so since I started my Jewish-writer gang, but already we’ve grown strong. We call ourselves Da MarmosetPak, and if you cross us, we will fuck your shit UP. What’s that, Dustin Barca? You won beef? Well you better be ready to get intelligently verbally rebuked by Phillip Roth. You got something that needs to be settled, Kaiborg? Let’s see how tough you feel after Woody Allen tells you what it’s like to be nagged by his Jewish mother. Kala Alexander, in MMA anything goes, brah. You may know Juijitsu, but J.D. Salinger is coming out of hiding just to write circles around your ignorant ass. Don’t get it yet, Hawaiians? Well maybe I’ll get my brah Shel Silverstein to draw you a fucking picture!
Nice work.
Because they’re likely to “moderate” the comment off the boards, here’s a comment to Surfline’s current Power Rankings I wrote under the psuedonym “JoJo,” as in JoJo the dog-faced boy. (Because Mel Gibson isn’t a psuedonym enough.) I figure you might enjoy it.
If Timmy Reyes and Micky Picon should be fined for wasting our time in their lackluster heat, Ian Cairns, Matt Griggs, and Jason Borte should be fined for wasting our time with their attempts at writing. Just as Ian repeats over and over about surfers needing to come to the CT equipped with big wave barrel riding prowess, fledgling writers should come to the world of journalism with at least a semi-developed journalistic acumen. Alas, the powers that be continue to compromise the would-be integrity of professsional surfing in and out of the water . . .
Yeah, but Jason’s a truly nice guy. And he rips.
Eggers? Ruffo? Jewish writers gang takin on the Pak?
52 year old black grandmother from the steel city?
9.2!
Nice guys are boring, and the Surflie rankings are proof positive. You better log off Seasnake, cause this is going to get successively more ugly with each post.
You don’t need a gang to deal with the jockey, DBarca. Dude plays the tough for the ad, but it’s all post production mindgame. And he pushes Adriano around? What, De Souza is under 5 feet?
Wardo slaps chicks, nuff said. Another “star” that only burns himself. Can’t wait to read the whitewash “interview” Surflie will conduct after he gets released. At least Sunny punched dudes before he blamed his jewish accountant and went to jail for tax evasion.
Congrats for entertaining me with Tiago and Timmy, didn’t think it could be done. But who knew Samuels was an overweight black woman from Alabama wearing a yamaka. Inspired shit.
Venting anger really is therapuetic….
seasnake, that’s not the point. The point is, Leon Spinks might be one of the kindest humans on the planet, and, true, he could knock the shit out of motherfuckers, but does that qualify him to write about boxing? No. It does not.
Agreed, Mike. Surfline’s bullshit rankings, intrusive and shitty cams, and unending contest contest contest news and updates aren’t worth the bytes they’re written with. Who gives a shit about what grom did what and where, anyhow?? Samuels’ wit makes it all better.
And yeah Mel, I get it. I just happen to like Jason, not what he is paid to write.
Fair enough.
Perhaps the greatest installment of ye ole Power Rankings to date. Who says 31-35 can’t be interesting? I’m at a loss for words. Keep drinking the sauce with pen in hand.
From barfing on Megan Fox to the MMA, absolutely positively brilliant. Thanks man.
Obviously Lewis doesn’t have a plane ticket to HI for the next year. Attacking the WolfPunks and prison bitch, Sunny. More, More!!!
In all honesty, Ian Cairns was a name I knew before this past year, but I couldn’t really associate any actual achievements with it. He was just another australian who ripped back in the day. Thankfully, he has made a big media showing in the past 9 months or so, and now, whenever I read or hear the name “Kanga” I can prepare myself for the titanic black hole of inanity that is to follow. Kanga spotting has become a bit of a where’s Waldo game for me: “Look! There’s Kanga getting paid by the hapless Simpo for telling him to ’stay busy’” “Look, there’s Kanga talking about how people lost at chopes because they didn’t tube ride well!”. I can only conclude that he is an evil genius who has figured out a way to get paid for garbling stupid fucking aphorisms to hack journalists. I’m torn between wishing him the very worst in life and wanting to learn all of his secrets.
And then there is the indomitable Chris WArd. Not since Sunny Garcia has one man taken more pleasure in makin’ trouble. I’d rather watch Wardo get an interference then get bitch slapped by Kala alexander while stomping on a chick called “Jacuzzi-Booty” than sit through one of Timmy Reyes’ God-fearing white bread, low sodium organic shit burger waves. Perhaps what Reyes needs is a snooter full of Charlie and a bad bitch called jacuzzy-booty to really sort him out. I think Chris ward drew the now infamous penalty out of sheer love for the perverse and disdain for his mediocre opponent. But, of course, let’s not rule out the drugz.
J.D. Salinger is a fellow member of the tribe?! We will definitely kick some ass now! Surfline’s latest Power Rankings nearly put me into a coma today.
From Ben Dunn’s Twitter page talking abbout Samuels…
“your funny, i’ve never herd that before. do u wake up every morning and think about different ways to rag on me?”
The Unintentional Comedy scale just jumpeed throught the roof.
I like Ian’s takes on surfing. He just isn’t as funny as Lewis. Thats all.
“Awwwwwww, Mark, enough of the rim job mate, me toes need some sucking too” Cairns exhales as he hands Mark a tissue for the splotch on his face.
Nug, why would anyone bother with Tweeter, let alone BDunn’s tweeter? This attention starved generations technology only reveals how intellectually vacant they’ve become.
No alternative motives for Chris, just plain Stupidity. Simply Ward.
when will ASP implement drug testing ala Track & Field, Cycling, Auto Racing, Baseball, etc.
and for that matter. Two questions
1) What percentage of top 45 would fail the drug test
2) What is the most common down to the least common recreational drug used by pro surfers?
“Tiago finally lined up a second set wave, but he basically choked and blew a perfect shack. Instead of grabbing rail off the drop, he apparently decided he was Bruce Irons and went for the no-hander. The tiger got pitched. Meowwww.”
Com licença!!!
Lewis, you mother fucker! You better not some to República Portuguesa. I will “choke” you, and “[blow] a perfect” wad right past your epiglottis.
Coxos? If you come near here I will give you a “Cocks-Oh”-so large right up your ass. And that goes for the rest of you Postsurf mother fuckers! You all have suruba all day.
You bucetas! You can’t handle that Tiago beat you Kelly-God last year.
We have saying for how much balls Tiago has as best surfer in the world. I will try translate,
“Big tiger Tiago eats albondigas from big whale sperm, afterwards he rides seahorse hard until pretty juice come out.”
So take that!
Looking for pro surfers who DON’T do drugs is like looking for minorities at the Republican National Convention. They’re there, but very elusive and somewhat embarrassed about it.
Nothing about Barca starting sh*t with Adriano DSousza and then getting smoked?
Im a portuguese guy who is not pissed of because of Lewis power rankings. I actually do think that sometimes mr.Samuels is right. So, when i read Tiago’s Linguica post comment i just laughed. I mean, that’s some hilarious shit going on right there. I guess tiago linguica is mad because of his little dick or something like that- Nop, just kidding. I think Mr.Linguica must calm down. I know your heart doesn’t pump a lot because of your (very) little friend down there but dude you’ll have a stroke if you keep getting so mad with critics.
I love that there’s not a single mention of surfing in Barca’s rundown. Another power ranking, another beef avoided.
Dude can’t back it up with his surfing so he’s all fugazy like K-Mart.
I root for Sunny Garcia.
Stu, well said. My sentiments exactly.
Hey! MOther Fucjer! Tiago’s linguica @ 6:00 is not me!
They aren’t polynesian are they? I think most of them are like japs and phillipino’s blends and a smattering other guke forms. Barca looks like he that know’s he too stupid to pull anything off once out of the ghetto, so he sits silently, waiting for a snap of electricity to agitate his two or three synaptico’s. Usually this means a fight will insue, because his only emotions are fear and rage. Like that goon Sunny (he isn’t bright and he isn’t nice so what’s with the name?),they could never cut it stateside. They would be in prison in a matter of weeks. I imagine they will get what is coming to them. If I had to woop someones ass on tour, I would definitley go after Adriano too, cause he so damn small and so am I.
Lewis, that installment made it real evident that you weren’t within a 5 kilometer range of G.T. or Chase from Stab in the last 14 days. Not your hypest work but still entertaining, the Megan Fox ink is epic though.
To Barca’s weenie: Please, no more posting until you’ve graduated from grade school. It’s embarrassing enough responding to someone who finds humor in posting as someone’s dick, and the fact that you believe you’re adding something of worth to the discussion only serves as proof of your incompetence. You are in over your head my friend.
I’m guessing you’re one of those Team Quiksilver rim-job guys who likes to listen to Kelly spout nonsensical mutterings about Nikola Tesla and think to yourself, “Dude, that guy sounds SO FUCKING SMART! I’m totally gonna listen to him from now on!” You then take your own badly deformed pretzel of a cock and beat off to First Chapter, all the while wishing you had any credibility whatsoever with anyone, anywhere. But in the end, as always, you’re left a bridesmaid and never a bride, all alone covered in tears and semen. I bid you goodday; next time make more of an effort and I might be more receptive.
Barca’s weenie moved Lazer so much, Lazer is instructing Barcas tater tot on how to gain his respect.
Nug, check Dunn’s tweeter blog and see what he thinks of Lazers last post.
Seriously Stu, why would Lewis avoid calling out the tater tot (barca)? I’ll take Samuels in a cage match with that ghetto twink.
Barca’s listed at 5′9″, 165. That’s giant in a world of Hobgobblins…
Ok, ok…at least this set of 5 was better then the last. I recon that you were a bit bent while writing these up. On the bottom 5, not so much.
Stay on the booze, it mingles better with the patrons.
BTW - Stu, that ‘Hobgobblin’ thing was funny. Carry on…
How ’bout none of you come to Portugal!!!!!!!!!
@bo knows drugs
let me just take a stab in the dark (not unlike I normally do with my huge cock) but……
1.) 98.99%
2.)1 marijuana
2 cocaine
3 marijuana, cocaine, alchohol mixture
4 hallucinoginics
5 prescription drugs
4 opiates
5 meth
6 roids
I know, I helped fuel the demand for years. Now if I could only find something to help me hang this FUCKING HAMMOCK GAAAAWDAMMIT
I usually use my wet tip to figure out the winds……I think Sean Collins does that too
@taigo’s linguica
I can sit here on my couch in west coast u.s. and simultenously visit portugal (ahh..spain) with the head of my giant cock.
i mean..uhhh…trauzersnake
I would imagine that the pro’s don’t smoke pot because of drug testing and how long it stays in your system ( I have HEARD ).
I bet that vicodin and oxycotin are big because they can get a script for it.
A couple of oxy.s and a half dozen bintangs anchored in the channel at H.T.’s. It’s a pro’s life.
Let’s stick with the facts. In this group we have five surfers. Of those five surfers, which surfer stands head and shoulders above the rest in marked ability? Answer: Chris Ward. Timothy Reyes would have been a perennial top five finisher in the ‘cutback crescendo’ of the late Eighties. Tiago had the physical gifts of an excellent surfer, but the brain of an excellent wallaby. David Weare once fucked Megan Fox, so I can’t knock that. And by ‘Megan Fox,’ I mean a mailbox full of anthrax. Dustin Barca had to join a ‘twinky gang’ to get noticed, and still can’t the beat ‘CT basement dwellers in barreling reef breaks.
Back to the clear favorite of the group: Chris Ward. Young man!; treat this shit like it’s your last heated spoonful of smack and the tourniquet’s ‘bout to spring like Dick Cheney’s shotgun. Watch LeBron or Kobe drain three balls over hopeless defenders. Re-watch all the 23 Rocky movies.
Either that or, do your time in County, and come back to let your expanded arsehole provide the much needed wind conditions Chopes and that Dog-forsaken spot called Mundaka has lacked for the last few years.
Next.
I was thoroughly delighted to read the feature article on Mark’s mom in the latest Surfer’s Journal. The nudie pic of her submerged carcass brought back memories of my very first baseball mitt… after I had accidently dropped it in an oven set on George Hamilton x Hulk Hogan + sandbag tittays. She was quite the waterwoman, and for that, I offer my utmost respect.
I toast my last hi-ball of Jamison to you… Mr. Mark Shuldt.
Amen. Selah.
@mark
Newsflash……they don’t have drug testing. If they did, there would be no such thing as the tour. They even make moderated references to drug use on surfline. Why else would they pay allan weisbecker to hang a perfect hammock in mexico (so he can be an ex-pat and avoid his case)
Lebron James is an athelete. LeBron James actually speaks english on national television. It actually matters if LeBron James gets results on the court (his profession, what he’s paid for) and he actually cares. He is King James.
“professional” surfing is a long way off. A place where you can laugh off a dirt turd, smoke a fat dube, snort an 8-ball, and punch out some chicks……and still get paid, and be held in some sort of high regard. That’s FUCKED!!! No bail outs for billabong, quick, or the ASP please.
Oh yeah, king james went to high school too.
i think i right better than lewis
Wow. Where to start? First of all, Lazer is obviously a degenerate. Pretty obvious he/she is either: a) stuck on a rock not getting laid and not happy about it, b) gay/in-denial and not getting laid and not happy about it, c) a drunk gay Jew Llama named Lewis, or d) a beam of light that is neither wave nor photon and not happy about it. My guess, e) all of the above. Either way, I’d put money on the fact that Lazer and Linguica would enjoy some time alone. PS: I am Lazer.
PPS: I am Linguica
I hate myself. But yet, I love Linguica.
Irving Cohen (Martin Short): I can write a song about anything or anyone. Johnny, give me a name.
Johny LaRue (John Candy): Okay, Roy?
Irving Cohen: Roy? What in the hell-kind of a name is Roy?
LEave Tiago alone!!
Blasphemy, you don know anything! Tiago has brain like much respected Portuguesa Wild Goat -so smart to not be domesticate and to know which plant poisonous with never even go to school. Your brain like Portuguesa sardine, so small and I put fish hook through it to catch tuna fishies.
Trausersnake, your little American orgão sexual masculino cannot touch your underwears.
PacNW, you are not Me!! You never even have linguica! You have only dirty dying farm raised salmon in pacific NW. Salmon = buceta, bich!
ANd surfer from Portugal, you traidor. You sardinha. You buceta Suíno. You are not worthy of República Portuguesa.
Leave!!!! Go to Brazil for ever!
You probably also don’t like Luis Figo, mother fucjer!
@Linguica
Go jack off to Euroforce repeats and enough with the babble, I don’t understand Spanish.
Hey Lewis.
How was the water pressure from those fire hoses nailing you when you were a little girl back in 1965? Shit looked gnarlier then the spit at Teahoopoo!
I’m lost. BTW/ Trauzersalamander, that Lebron 1.0 sec threeball was epic and so was that Gloden Globe quality leg cramp show he put on at the end of game one. Get off the floor and into the locker room with that shit and let the cameras talk to Howard and Lewis. Best NBA playoff’s in years though.
I remember little Lewis. Heh heh heh heh…
m_d, you just did enough to prove how dumb you Americans are. Geographically challenged?
People in PORTUGAL speak Portuguese!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tiago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I remember when Lewis’s older sister was the first black woman to attend the University of Alabama.
Crazy times bubba. Crazy times.
“I don’t understand Spanish.”
but you do understand Portuguese right?
i bet you do.But hey…at least you know that Portugal is in Europe…your parents should be proud.
Lewis is still ball-less when it comes to writing about Hawaiians. Dancing around the topic as always, trying to cover his fear up with lame wit and gags about his Jewish heritage.
And did I just read another power ranking post that revolved around what Lewis is doing? What Lewis feel’s like? What little Lewie wants for breakfast?
Lewis… Nobody want’s to hear about you on the power rankings. Why is it that every paragraph is about you? You have every other post on this site to shamelessly plug your bitterness, and how “you da man” because “you da man” who’s bringin’ it like nobody has ever brought it!
But hang on, I know… how bout you leave this section of your website to writing about the surfers. It used to be quite funny when you did that.
Narcissism has a pen?
re: Jackson
it’s true lewis, you need to get a job dude
@Jackson and Flipper
Guys, I agree with you that it would be nice if Lewis channeled some more of his wit and insight into creative posts about surfing related topics… but every scribe needs a little levity in life to inspire his creative juices. If he’s a little off target in one post, then that usually means the next one will contain some gems!
Someone buy that man another vodka tonic! Keep feeling that angst and bringing the pain, Lewis!
Salinger is cool. He can write in the middle of a fucking depression and still manages to create a masterpiece of juvenile crisis that indirectly killed John Lennon. Wow!
Lewis,
It’s time to talk about the Hawaiians and in specific, gap toothed Barca and his illiterate cronies. Why don’t you call it like it is? And also, how about a story on how the wolf pack gets BIG KICKBACKS from major surf companies to not hassle their riders at pipe and to let them get their picture taken?
Brah,
you gone get dirty lickins. You no say nothin about the fight with Adriano
awesome post dude
Cool…great to hear more about my No.1 favorite performer. Thanks for the helpful info. Kudos!
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Nice post. Good info for anyone who’s interested in social networking.