Drew Courtney
Tahiti Result: 33 Previous Result: 9 ASP Rating: =20
Watching senior citizen/rookie Drew “Benjamin Button” Courtney surf Teahupoo was inspiring. It reminded me so much of the first time I saw “Cocoon.” Drew surfed and lost within the first couple hours of the waiting period… which was good for him in that he made it home in time for the early bird special. Against Marlon Lipke (don’t look for anymore German jokes from me - I learned my lesson) Drew was quickly rounded up and put in the oven with a combo situation. Taking off on shoulder, Drew also attempted to back into shacks like an octogenarian in a Lincoln continental who only uses the rearview. The judges were impressed to the tune of 2.07 and 3.83 points. Maybe this isn’t like Cocoon at all? OK, it’s like the first scene when all those pimping wrinkly bastards go swimming. What a curmudgeon ol’ Wilford Brimley was, that oatmeal slingin’ sonofabitch. And God, I miss the hot mess that was Jessica Tandy. Meow!
Heitor Alves
Tahiti Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =30
God damn do I love me some Heitor Alves. It’s reminds me of how I used to hate hot sauce, but now I squirt Vietnamese Sriracha Rooster sauce onto everything I eat. There are two possible explanations of my shifts in allegiance : 1) As we grow older, we grow wiser – with an open mind we learn to embrace new cultures and the type of pleasure that’s accompanied by some burning pain. 2) As we get older, we literally develop poor taste – our senses are dulled, so everything must be brighter, louder, spicier, and type must be bigger. When it comes to my rapt appreciation of Heitor Alves, I’m not sure which it is. But I can tell you this: Some inexperienced surfers hold back at Chopes. Others, like Heitor, make up for their inexperience with sheer bravado, pulling into death sections and hucking tailpitches. Although he went down to Jordy Smith, Heitor committed to fins-free chucks in a way very few other surfers did in Tahiti.
Chris Davidson
Tahiti Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =28
I can’t fucking stand pretentious chicks who quote Shakespeare. They’re the kind of girls who are so obvious that they’ll play “Imagine” at their wedding. For some people, looking intelligent is more important than having something intelligent to say. Barmy wankers. Back to Tahiti: When considering Chris Davidson’s performance, I’m reminded of an obscure quote from As You Like It:
All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts…
Pretty insightful, huh? Don’t place too much emphasis on the experience of being that one man playing many parts. Instead, think about what it’s like to experience seeing one guy keep showing up in your life, playing different parts each time. Sometimes I feel like my life is such a poor, insipidly produced stage production that the same extras keep appearing time and again. One day Chris Davidson is the veteran phoenix, risen from the ashes to a 5th at Kirra. The next day Davo looks old and baffled, as he pumps in front of barrels, cowering in confusion on the shoulder.
Jihad Khodr
Tahiti Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =20
As some of you might remember, Jihad Khodr held down the bottom spot on the Power Rankings for much of last season, due to his truly shiteous performance at Chopes. Since then, ol’ Jihad has made massive strides in his surfing and confidence. But against Andy Irons in R1, Jihad was right back to his old tricks. This is what I had to say about Jihad last year: “There were so many anti-highlight reel moments, from Jihad’s average of 2.17 on his scoring waves, to Jihad’s Herman Munster barrel style, to Jihad seemingly watching his own heats from the channel. Seriously, I think Jihad’s caddy sat deeper than him… Rabbit was overheard describing Khodr’s performance as ‘embarrassing.’” The only thing that changed is that this year Jihad improved his average wave score to 2.39 points, and Rabbit wasn’t there.
Tim Boal
Tahiti Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =25
Look, between you and me, I’m not sure that this Tim Boal chap is on the level. Something just doesn’t smell right here, and my dog’s in the other room, so it’s not her. Let’s revisit the facts: Boal grew up on a boat in the West Indies, was a championship sailor, and he speaks perfect English along with four other languages. I’m thinking he’s some kind of secret agent or something. Who the fuck speaks four languages? Here in America, most people can barely speak one language, and we’re proud of that fact. Salt of the Earth! Booyah! Team America, baby. Anyway, another clue is how Boal surfs: look closely. Yes, he rips, but he rips like someone pretending to be a Top 45 surfer. He does not rip like the real McCoy, or Malloy, or whatever. What I’m saying is this: Tim Boal is a master of disguise, so skilled that he can successfully impersonate a Top 45 pro. Motherfucker probably assassinates diplomats and has a stack of passports with different names. This is the guy I should be scared of – not Dustin Barca.
This is the only accurate commentary you have ever given:
“Here in America, most people can barely speak one language, and we’re proud of that fact. Salt of the Earth! Booyah! Team America, baby.”
Fucking American Suínos!
I am American and can speak mexican, puerto rican, cuban, hispanican, and conversational brazillian.
Yes, I’m only a fifteen minite jaunt away from a 4000 word philosofical thesis at any moment. However, obvious trollers like Lewis only earn the graces of the pinky-cuticle on my back-hand of rath. Mark & Mike are gay. Word.
Brazilian?!! That’s Portuguese you idiot buceta!!!!
I need to leave this site; you are all too mesmo estúpido.
Fuck you all George Bushes!!!!
Tiago!! Figo!!!!! República Portuguesa!!!!!!!
Duuuh Tiago’s ass wipe!! Brazil is in South America not Portugal, Suínos!
CBS Sunday Morning was pretty good today. It’s my favorite show on TV.
BR, you’re the one tattoeing my name on your entertainment center….
The easy fodder of the back 15 succumbs to a more difficult comedy stream of the mid 15 and Lewis acquiesces to the predicament by skipping the exercise. Kinda like a tough draw where you decide to control your own destiny and sit in the channel…. watching, blackberry in hand booking the first flight out. Call it “Khodring”.
As for Davidson, Samuel Lewis reveals his frustrating evening last night with a less inebriated girly. Davo’s “performance” deserves nothing more than the perfunctory observation, (pumping the shoulder) and our esteemed author stretches to bridge the intellectual divide he painted.
Courtney’s heat scores were common, as low as may have ever been judged on the CT. Innocuous if not for the hyperbole in the commentator booth.
But as always, Lewie pulls it all together for Tim Boal, who could have taken my order at KFC yesterday for all I know. Master chameleon, internationally articulate and thoroughly forgettable.
Going on PostSurf on a sunday is kind of boring.
It would be funny to watch a surf flick starring all the guys on this list. Who would have the last part? Heitor would probably have the most entertaining part, i’d actually like to see what he surfs like when he’s not wearing a jersey. I heard he can do airs, but i’ve never actually seen him do one. It’s like I heard that Lewis gets beat up by Hawaiians, but i’ve never actually seen it, so i don’t believe it.
@ Chris
Hey I saw you on the Surflie video, a week with Occy. But, once again, no footage of you surfing, just the file footage of you in a bar. Dude, you’ve been typecast. What, no whipping cream to whippit?
Thought you would ride the momentum of the Freddie P interview which was stellar. Can’t teach an old dog….
Has TWS even mentioned any of the guys on today’s post? Probably a good move as they don’t move any Merch…..
It doesn’t matter who got the last part because no one would make it through to the end anyway.
Funny shit, Lewis.
What’s not funny is calling Sriracha sauce Vietnamese. You can start a war with a statement like that, as Thais and Viets don’t really get along. Viets like Fish Sauce anyway.
Sriracha (Thai: ศรีราชา, pronounced /siːrətʃə/)[1] is the generic name for a Thai hot sauce named after the seaside city of Si Racha, Thailand, where it was first produced for dishes served at local seafood restaurants. It is a paste typically made from sun-ripened chili peppers, vinegar, garlic, sugar and salt. An Americanized puree, primarily produced by Huy Fong Foods, is drastically different from the Thai pastes. It has become a common condiment stateside.[2]
I hope you aren’t using the pussy American version - the real stuff will put the lead in your pencil.
You have a GIRL dog?
AND you drink tea?
I freakin quit.
Maria Teresa Thierstein Simões-Ferreira Heinz speaks four languages as well. and she’s no pretentious twat living a lux lifestyle by the means of a personal inherited fortune, run as a non-profit. oh no!
BTW, speaking of languages…. “oh stewardess, I speak Jive”.
http://tiny.cc/X8B7Z
for chris cote, check out this air Heitor made at chopes last year. air at 3.59
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyFud0iyfWs
ops not chopes. i meant the search event
BTW, if your native tongue is a “Romance”/Latin based language, your list should include all 26. so, at four, that makes Tim as well as Maria Teresa Thierstein Simões-Ferreira Heinz absolutely pikey.
Hey yo. My momma didn’t raise no dummy. I dug her rap.
This morning my wife said it would be interesting if I got together one day with Mike,Stu, Lazer, Ballz,PeterPerfect, Blashemy Rottmouth, Erik, SmyrnaJeff ( she doesn’t know that is me ) and the boys.
I asked her what she thought they would look like. ” Well”, she cooed.” None of them would be as handsome as you that is for sure. And I bet Blasphemy Rottmouth is a pimple faced computer nerd who overdoses on porn and hasn’t kissed a live human female in at least 3 years.”
I was stoked on her kind words until a little later when she said that if I was busy working then she could meet PeterPerfect and TrauserSnake herself and keep them entertained until I got home. That seemed a little strange.
what would the Dream Tour be like if Sunny hadn’t of punched Neco at the end of the 2007 Pipeline Masters ?
Sunny would have got the wild card into the 2008 WCT. As it turned out, he almost but didn’t qualify on the QS in 2008.
Damn I hope he makes it back on tour for 2010.
@Mark, haven’t you learned that bringing your wife into this fuckery never ends well?
Would love to meet your wife mate. ;)
I shit abortions!
The repeated references to Lewis’ drinking are almost a pattern. Hemingway, Hunter Thompson, and Lewis Samuels. I’m sure there are other writers who wrote about drinking.
If you’re going to write about drinking, how about telling us the details ? Do you drink Jagermeister ? Do you ever vomit because you drank too much ?
Who’s the most famous person you’ve drunk with, besides yourself ?
Come on, if you’re going to talk about drinking, please tell us the details.
So far, ReB needs to go home.
First off, Sunny? Besides occasional moments of brilliance (that two turn 8.5 or whatever at Lowers about SEVEN years ago) or maybe at Sunset or Backdoor, he is not fun to watch. I surfed with him a few months back at a CA reef/point and he in uninteresting -entirely.
Second, this isn’t Extra, Access Hollywood, or Us Magazine. We don’t really care about Lewis, as much as his humorous, insightful, and accurate take on what is left of pro surfing.
I don’t know how you want your name pronounced, but I’m thinking “Reba”.
If you want a “They’re Just Like US” feature on surf ‘celebrities’, then write a request to Cote, Surfing, or Surfline.
@ ReB
I would score your initial comments just a little lower than Mikey Pikons 2 wave score against Timmy Reyes in Tahiti.
Post surf is the WCT of commeting.. TW and surfline comments are the WQS.
ReB belongs in the grandmasters division ( over 70 ) at the central Texas NSSA regionals during a one foot windwsell in April with 40 mph onshore winds and no one on the beach as well as no one else in his heat. The judges didn’t even show up. And it was STILL decided on a countback.
One time Lewis took me to this one bar that allows bitches (the real kind), and Cesar Millan was there.
It was SOOOO cool!
He drinks cosmos. I though that was sooo cool too, ’cause I totally drink those also!
Nice, very nice Lewis. You were much more in the zone on this 5 spot. Sriracha is epic with mayo on a normal turkey sandwich also. May ploy is the shit though but a lil more ballless. Who is that freak on the Tim Boal ranking? Her shit looks even better than my chick’s rack. Heitor is a raw Brazillian hybrid.
Hey ReB does it count if I drank tea with Lewis?
I drank a few 40’s with Lewis the other night but that bitch STILL wouldn’t put out! I wasted alsmost $6 for NOTHING!
Actually I am a BLACK man not a BALCK man.
One time I vomited because after sampling a rotting raccoon carcass. It was just at the right balance of tangy and putrid…or so I thought.
I tried to clean it up myself (so ashamed), but Lewis still had to toss that rug.
I think I’d do it again, though.
I have always enjoyed a few drinks to loosen up a little before sex.
Damn, Reba! Maybe you have a purpose after all. Look what you started. I welcome you to write whenever things get slow.
Don’t forget to listen to your Sugar Ray CD’s before commenting, so as to be in form.
Ban ReB!!!!!!
I think Erik said that last one. I don’t know??? Just seems like his voice.
Thanks, Lewis’ Dog. I swear I tried to submit that exact comment at Reba.
Bluebird special? Ouch!
Chump don’t wan’t the help, chump don’t get the help.
to mike
I rip you
http://surf.transworld.net/2009/04/27/chris-cote-in-el-salvador/
Brazilians don’t speak Portuguese. That’s like saying Haitians speak French. They speak a fucked up, bastardized dialect of the language.
See Lewis, Chris Cote has a job…. and, besides endless backside whacks at some fruity point in ES, a nice frontside grab cutty too. (seen somewhere, can’t remember where, lately.. Tahiti??) Was your mysto trip to “Brazil” paid for by ‘viewers like me’?? I don’t think so. Might I suggest San Francisco Unified in the interim??
Or… Lewis and CC fuse their energies, and Lewis his fractured self - like Arnold Schwarzanegger and Maria Shriver to create a more humane and business friendly California via a new and improved Transworld? Lewis, you need the money and Cote’s self-effacing naivete and run of the mill mag needs some craft and street cred. You guys would also need an angel investor not tied to the biz though…..hmmmm….. sorry, can’t help.
Lastly, if there really is a Yamikuza with LS, P. Roth and most likely Allan Weisb. or at least his rinkly balls being established, I’d like to order a bumper sticker and a couple t-shirts. Where should I send my buck fifty?
Nice Cote, why do you hide behind the drunken yobo facade? Sweet footage. So surflie edited you out?
Didn’t sell me on that trip though, another fat chick that requires so much work to look good.
Yeah, I’m in here for an accident too. I fire-bombed a bowling alley, killed three people. I was messin around with these three girls in the parking lot. Their boyfriends didn’t like it too much….beat the shit out of me. So I went back the next night, TOTALLED the place….only thing was is I killed the wrong three people____________well, time to get counted……..
I know viking, I know……you’re incurably innocent. He He He….yeah….
@tiago’s linguica
I will launch a liquid, pearly white ICBM from my cock and cover your nation in my glue. We will hear broken spanish no more, as your land will be rendered a large wax museum.
I’d let Jessica Tandy bake me cookies anytime. In her toot-can. Naked. While I watched. Unfortunately for ol’ Wilford, even Drew Courtney’s diabeetus-curing hip flanks aren’t enough to overcome his massive blood-sugar deficiencies. Poor, poor Wilford. We love you Wilford!
Heitor Alves smells like expired lentil soup. What? The reason I know this, is evident in the over-ripe tinge to his explosive post cabbage-binge flatulence that emanates from his profile picture. Have I watched him actually surf a heat??… ehhh, a couple. But ye gods! Who wants to watch a giraffe’s foreskin hump its own cock?
I once felt and looked just like Chris Davidson. It happened on this one funky fifth-Friday of the month; and I was wearing shirt and shorts made entirely of rice-cakes. I was nervous. And without knowing it, I stepped into the pavilion seat at a Jonas Brother’s concert, and released my body to the throes of existential epileptic seizures of ecstasy.
I was so content.
Moving along. Let us not make fun of the Jihad. We all know, that fateful day the TET Offensive was carried out; Jihad heroically placed his cheek upon a detonating grenade just as it was about to annihilate a village of sixty-two million innocent women and children. His cheeks paid dearly with the shrapnel of hate, but his heart beats on for the love of mankind. Amen.
His surfing beats on like Meg White…
Tim Boal can do many things. He can tie a fly on the eyelash of a colic-ridden two year old. He can fluctuate through his hair follicles when peeing from a 38 degree angle on an empty barn door. And he can empty his bowels into a thimble without spilling a dribble whilst jackhammering the cursive letter ‘Z’ in the floorboards of a moving ‘L’ Train.
In a word: Impressive.
In other words, he can he rip the anticipatory cock-slobbers of the Brazo’s + Ace Buchan and below Ozzies + All Americans minus B-Mart, Hobbits, Slates and Knox…
So, there’s that.
P.s.
I would love to change the last line in my stream of consciousness to:
In other words, he can rip the anticipatory…
Oh, the labors drunken typing.
Heh heh. Typos.
I’m actually quite surprised that the dillweed who thinks it’s funny to post as other people hasn’t picked up on this fact.
Then again, I’m pretty sure he/she/it wouldn’t know a typo if it gargled their own taint-sweat.
P.P.S Heh Heh. I mean ‘typo’s’ not ‘typos’. I forgot the ”’ sorry to be such a Blaspussy Rottcock Heh heh heh heh
Oh, the labors drunken typing. And drunken stroking of my micrskopic kock
sorry i spoted another error
‘if it gargled their own’ … should have been ‘its own’
Heh Heh… I’m still drunk and still have a raging boner*
*might be slightly limp
@Blasphemy Rottmouth 11:22 - 11:29
Your comments were slightly more homosexual than Freddie Mercury’s old butt plug dry-hammered into Perez Hilton’s bung hole. But, if you keep trying, you may fit that bobbing buoy into Mark’s puckered naval after all.
Yes, I said naval.
The whole A-hole thing is played out.
Next.
@chris cote- you’re ripping but that Eddie Vedder version … neither of you are rocking in the free world right there.
@Blasphemy Rottmouth’s imposter in another half hour:
If you’re so smart and funny, why not just join our fun? We could inflict a bit more damage if we just focused on the right targets.
At some point, infighting is retarded… like Drew Courtney’s right shoulder when the waves are overhead.
Magnum Q. Meattrumpet!
Long time no see.
Many Fay and Sesquipidalian say hi.
Assphlegmy must be naval deep in the Jamison.
Magnum Rottmouth Blasphemy Meatwhistle III
Same person.
If you wanna see the next power ranking click below:
http://postsurf.com/2009/05/24/tahiti-power-rankings-21-25
Stop everything and start writing the Tim Boal, Surf Assassin treatment and script. The plot is simple and just as you’ve outlined.
damn cote can surf! nice frontside three. almost pulled the reverse too but chicken’d out :)
Nice take on Heitor, funny take about Boal.
Fuck you Tiago Linguiça! You are boring.
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