Freddy Patacchia
Tahiti Result: 17 Previous Result: 3 ASP Rating: 9
I’m worried that Freddy P has lost his edge after reportedly having that kid with Bruce. Where’s the hatred? Patacchia is full of aloha lately, which is really incongruous coming from a Hawaiian professional surfer. For instance: Fred nearly landed on his opponent Josh Kerr in their heat after doing a flying kickout. But instead of chastising the haole for almost getting underneath him, Fred apologized, and then promptly lost a paddle battle with Kerr. I’d like to think Fred wants to make the Top 10, but it’s hard to back him when he’s writing things like this on :
“What’s so bad about finishing in the mid twenties? That’s a solid accomplishment, but the industry doesn’t care and the ASP doesn’t care… Fucked up.” Perhaps a bit more bastard desire would have seen Fred through to the final against Bobby, repeating their rookie year. Instead nice-guy Fred squandered an opportunity to capitalize on his Australian success.
Damien Hobgood
Tahiti Result: 9 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =10
Everyone wants to be someone else. Fred P is a journalist, Ace Buchan writes children’s books, Kieren Perrow makes baby clothes, Andy Irons wants to be Bubbles from The Wire… and now Damien Hobgood wants to be a famous director. See . More Ferrell than Scorcesse, but still… when Damo says “I piss excellence,” that’s actually kinda true, at Teahupoo at least. Both Hobgoods are about as close to a sure bet as you can get. (Comic Book Guy is screaming at his monitor right now, “Please! Are you completely ignorant to the fact that Damien lost to Danilo Costa in R4 in 2003?”) Incidentally, Comic Book Guy is right – which means that Damo’s loss to Aritz is not really a first, but instead a bump in the road for a past champion. Hey, Bobby lost to Picon at Chopes last year, and won the comp this year. But after a decade on tour, it’s valid to question how many more opportunities at the podium Damo will get.
Michael Campbell
Tahiti Result: 3 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: 16
Loneliness is compelling. It’s a motivator. Jed Smith, , described The Ginga Ninja’s Tahiti campaign as follows: “Mick Campbell had spent his time on Tahiti in solitude. He would eat alone, stay alone, and twice a day pack his boards into his hatchback rental and head east or west along the coast, to surf alone. After fixing his back-up board to a floating buoy, Mick Campbell paddled out for his semi-final and lost to Taj.” It’s almost enough to make you cry! Taj makes enough bong-dollars to hire friends to travel and caddy for him. Meanwhile, this poor ginge’s only friend is a buoy. When best-mate Danny Wills dropped off the tour, many predicted that Campbell would quickly follow suit. But like the severed man in a melancholy divorce, it seems that Mick has been forced to retrace the optimism of his youth. Misery loves company. Without company, we are sometimes forced to stop being miserable, and start being productive instead.
Kieren Perrow
Tahiti Result: 9 Previous Result: 5 ASP Rating: =10
As the surfer’s rep, Kieren Perrow has surely been wallowing in a trough of fetid complaints following the implementation of the new single-elimination format. Many surfers, bitterly opposed to the change, have claimed that the ASP did not involve them in the decision making process. “None of the surfers were informed and if the surfer’s representatives knew, they didn’t pass it on,” Dayyan Neve told Stab. “It’s a breakdown in communication somewhere. Someone is to blame.” Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that many tour competitors probably see surfer’s rep Kieren Perrow as that “someone.” To make matters worse, Perrow was seeded into R2, which must have made the situation even more uncomfortable. Perhaps distracted by the orgy of indignation, Kieren barely beat Tim Reyes in his first heat (winning on a countback) and then got smoked by Taj in his next heat.
Bede Durbidge
Tahiti Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =14
Another 12-bars of the Runner Up Blues for Bede. In Tahiti, Durbidge’s problem was his second seed, as much as anything else. It drew him Andy Irons. Durbidge countered AI’s barrels with some white boy Rice Krispie snap crackle pop. But he never found a pit to go with his 7.5 keeper. One of the lessons for Bede in the bitter pill that is 2009: Durbidge is far more dangerous as a darkhorse. This guy has the confidence to be a title contender, but perhaps putting pressure on himself is making things worse, not better. It kind of reminds me of Gary “Kong” Elkerton – another confident Aussie who tried to work and will his way to a world title. All it got him was runner-up finishes. And now he’s coaching Bede. Is Kong really the best guy to be giving advice on what it takes to win a World Title? “I tried this for 10 years, it never worked, so, um, maybe do the opposite.”
Confirming results from yesterdays heat: Despite a new-school charge featuring deranged third-world dictators, fake Portugeses, and too many phallic/scatalogical references to score, Snips takes it handily, backing up his 9.75 with an inspired second speedrun that checks in at 8.3, for a combined total of 18.05. Solid, bro. You get a champagne shower from GT.
I may look like a sweatered snail, but I yield to reveal nine inches of man, one inch for each title.
Kava kava might relax Heiarii,, but it hasn’t cured me!
And Bodhi is DQ’d for posting as a character played by Patrick Swayze. Sorry, it’s in the rulebook.
Freddy is just proving that when you’re jovial, you surf better. I used to work at a pizza place that had a sign in the bathroom that said “The best surfer in the water is the one who’s having the most fun” I agree with that comment. It means that time I surfed Cardiff Reef on mushrooms and almost drowned from laughing so hard, was hands down one of the best performances by a surfer ever.
Fuck Jamon Bagle and this ridiculous “heat” bullshit. You are a moron, proven post by post.
Lewis writes some good shit that we’ve all waited for and the first sentence off your keyboard is drivel, yesterdays at that.
Fred, concentrate on your day job. You should be top 10 and immune to contraction. Instead, you fuck around and whine about the lack of a losers round. Get off Andrew’s lap and his stify and win the heats that you’re supposed to. Your talent should allow you the luxury of not giving a shit.
The rest of these guys are solid surfers and with the exception of Damien, in their right place.
The KOng reference was pretty damn funny though. How ironic is it that Dave P delivered God a title at King Kong’s expense? That’s some Cheyne Horan shit if there ever was.
“Andy Irons wants to be Bubbles from The Wire… ” That’s the funniest thing you’ve said! Absolutely brilliant!
Mike seems a little bitter melonish, perhaps because his chances of requalifying are slim at this point.
“The best moron in the Comments section is the one who’s having the most fun.”
What is your favorite line of today’s thread, Jamon?
Oh right, you didn’t read it.
Time to start your own blog, buddy.
Well, now that you’re here, can you give us a highlight reel of the best scoring posts from last nights drunken debauchery? We are holding our breath for your results.
Thanks, Bagle
And really JB, once the format went to an elimination round one, I had no chance anyway.
Maybe I’m biased, but I never take offense at a nice, tasty slab of ham on a bagel…maybe try it with a little dijon, perhaps a slice of fresh garden tomato.
Whatever happened to Cheyne Horan anyway?
I’ll leave it to Lewis, or maybe BR, to break down the comment heat results. I just score ‘em.
Honestly, Mike, there are too many good lines to review…. “Best friend is a buoy” made me laugh and cry at the same time.
But Bede isn’t quite enough of a he-man asshole to be compared to Kong.
Cheyne Horan is quietly consulting Kelly on board design. Draw any parallels to Bede, BlackSlack?
“fixing his back-up board to a floating buoy”…
ok, so you caught me. so i was pulling doing double duty.
hey, my Chopes bong money barley covers my hay bill, bro.
-GT
Freddy P, the Hobgoods, Ace Buchan, all blogging or self indulging in the idea that people care what they really think. Next thing we’re going to be seeing them twittering while getting barreled with thoughts such as “hows my barrel face”? since they are now sponsored by technology that allows people to be on cell phones in the water
But I guess these guys have to continue to make themselves “relevant” and continue to be business moguls and keep up with the new types of media. Maybe spend more time working at being the best instead of being almost top ten then maybe you’ll be our favorite surfer?
geeez Andy, do you see the implications here? the writings on the wall?
via wikipedia.
“Bubbles was based on a real police informant known as “Possum,”[6] whose true identity has not been made public at the request of his family. The real Bubbles was noted as having an incredible memory for faces, and was often very helpful in pointing out drug dealers to police. David Simon met with him twice shortly before his death from AIDS, intending to write an article about him. He ended up turning it into an obituary”.
In Defense of Jamon Bagle, Part 2
Without the Hammy One, would comments have soared to almost 200 yesterday? Would Snips have risen to the occasion with not one, but two epic contributions? I suggest not. I argue that Jamon Bagle is good for business. And excellent with a mango smoothie.
Black’s Slacks does not see the Bede/Cheyne parallel. Black’s Slacks can be silky smooth and loads of fun, or they can sneak in out of the west when you’re most confident, shifting at the last minute & snapping your equipment, leaving you facedown and gasping for breath on the sand, next to some old guy with a safari hat and no clothes.
Lew … has Kelly won ANY heats this year ?
2 of the heats had that new format. what happened in the contest where they used the “old format” ? Kelly must have beat somebody to make it into Round 3 & get a 17th at Snapper. But, you’re the expert.
tell it like it is samuels…and give credit where it s due..
and take the piss coz it s your social duty…
No!!!!
Blacks Slacks has inadvertently revealed that he shares a computer with Jamon Bagle. Everyone avert your eyes!
But don’t worry, Blashphemy Rottmouth is STILL not Lewis Samuels.
oh..and because it holds our attention…
It’s official Linguica (you queer little Portuguese hobbit and easily one of the worst contributors on this site) the tour is coming to your town and BLOWING UP your homebreak. Thanks to Tom Whitaker for confirming suspicions:
“He likes travelling around the world,” said Tommy. “He loves Pipe. He’s definitely gonna go to Portugal because the place where we are staying has a sick golf course. Plus he’s got a missus now to show the world.”
Uh-oh, Jamon Bagle opening up softly, almost like he’s jumped into cold water but still surfing on his wax job from Tahiti. A bit tentative, and somewhat girly on his attempted hits, Stu scores the initial wave a 3.5, but gives the follow up a 5.0.
Is it odd that I’m falling in love with the Ginga Ninja after Lewis’ post? Perhaps it’s time for me to take a few of Cote’s shrooms, ditch the wife and kids, hop on a flight to Port Mac and see if Mick knows any of those moves Occy’s allegedly been throwing down recently. Wonder how Jamon would score that?
and yes, the 5.0 included bonus points for the alter-ego slip…
Cheyne Horan? After retiring from the tour, didn’t he blow out, and blow up, and end up resembling a oversized exersise ball?
snarky meanies on this site. i wonder how many laptop fan boys here could win a heat in a local WSA contest? Or even surfed in one?
Mike, is someone having a bad hair day? I personally think scoring comments is kind of fun, especially (you would agree, I suspect), since I usually don’t write things as interesting to read as the figments of BR’s imagination! So, let Bagle and I have our little bit of fun! (How many homo comments? Let loose!)
Seriously, would you like us all to just lick Lewis’ balls in every comment? We all pretty much do that anyway every time we log on!
Anyway, you’re right, the highest scores go to the guys that react to the newest posts the fastest, with the most hard hitting comments, written in the most fluid and entertaining matter, so take it away, Mike, the stage is yours!
Due to the recent security breach, I was forced to nail my doors shut and chain Blacks Slacks to the radiator. Haven’t decided what to do with him yet…trying not to panic….
OK, deep breath. Tomorrow I’m packing him in a shipping crate and sending him via container ship to Cheyne Horan’s surf camp:
…let the ex-almost-world-champion deal with him.
Bob, that was Pagey to whom you’re referring (or possibly Occy before the comeback to win the title). Since then, Mr. Page has slimmed down, won some kind of Aussie Masters Title, and the Masters division at the latest ISA gig in Peru. He’s also started Cream Wax in Australia that Parko used in his win on the Goldy…
@3to5setsof7:
Black’s Slacks says he once got fifth in an NSSA event, but was “too fucking progressive” for the WSA.
I say tell it to Horan. And bring a bonzer quad fin biscuit with stars on it.
@3to5setsof7… I got third in my round 1 heat at the 6*Prime in Scotland. 2.80 two wave total. In my defense, I was still drunk from the night before, only a couple of hours sleep, and on a borrowed board that didn’t float.! If I’d had some proper preparation, I’m sure I would have broken the 3 point barrier. By the way, a poor, unlucky youth, named Matt Johnson got 4th… Wouldn’t want to be him!
Yeah, tough day today Mailman…. I’ll log off soon and you can enjoy your crumpets with Jamon in peace.
Stu, Port M is holding the goods, as is Coff’s, Taree, Yamba. Damn they have a good life down there.
@DM: I have it on good authority that Matt Johnson has neither arms nor legs, thus the name.
Gary Elkerton would have won at least one title if he’d just kept it going with the Kong persona. Tried to get all professional and lock “Kong” in the closest. Ended up working against him… I’m sure if we can convince everyone to start calling Dane Reynolds by his old nickname of “Beaver” again, he’d be a shoe in for the title in 2010!
His friends call him “Surf Matt”
I heard Pagey can be found in Club HubbaHubba in Honolulu with Occ and a guy named Rick from the mainland
Mike, you do make me laugh! Might have to replace the crumpets with croissants though since I live in France! As for visiting me mate Mick’s part of the world, maybe not the best time right now as CNN showed shots of Yamba completely submerged by the recent flooding! The good life they do have, but the good life is a little waterlogged right now…
Are surfers the most inappropriate demographic to appear on an awards stage?
The only ones dressed well are the two girls and the gay guy. Well, that was the rumor Matt George started although one should consider the source.
Everytime Mark Richards gets praise for the last three titles, he should owe Cheyne a royalty for not surfing a twin.
JB, I’m slappin’ my knee! No, seriously, Matt had arms and legs…
Turtle, that was years ago! Quit sniffing that resin jar, man!
My bad DMail, croissants it is.
And, as you know Dmail, that river means sand to the north side of the jetty! Damn, add a little south east swell and you’ve got a travel destination ready to book.
And they needed the rain.
Fuck, I gotta get out of here. How’s the frenchy sand looking?
Reb, regarding Kelly winning a heat this year, in R1 at the Quiky Pro he beat Dayyan Neve and Danny Wills riding the Wizard Sleeve…
The French sand is looking good, Mike! Steph Gilmore was in town 10 days or so ago and scored filthy La Gravière barrels… Plenty of swell this spring, just needed a few more days of offshore winds to make it a really good season. Still just a few more weeks until it gets hot enough for all the topless chicks to come back to the beach in their g-strings! Yes!
Can we all agree that the words, “Is someone having a bad hair day” will never be written in the comments section ever again? Unless you are a fat 40 year-old secretary with red hair, you have no place ever uttering those words.
Also, Lewis, can you please eliminate the phrase “ok kids…” from your posts? It makes me feel like I’m back at camp or something. We’re all adults here. It’s not like we have some tool commenting about his weiner on a daily basis. Oh wait. Never mind.
Blacks Slacks/Jamon Bagle,
Have you ever had a jamon bagle at the gliderport cafe by Black’s? Not too bad.
We also need to try to get back to the relevant text, which is Lewis’ post. This particular post wasn’t too exciting–so I’ll let it slide for now. But remember the reason for the season. When you asked Lewis Samuels into your heart, it wasn’t so you could find out more about David Mailman’s situation in France or learn about Mike’s nefarious business proposals.
One more thing. We need to get the Blasphemy Rottmouth to David Mailman comment ratio back to around 10 to 1 and not vice versa.
On principle, I agree with you Standard and I’ll do my part…. except Mailman has naked chicks fronting insane beach break. Why he’s at the computer is debatable.
No wonder he’s so content.
Last blast, at 160 lbs. I’d say Stephanie is pretty tappable for a heavy chick.
@Standards: “Still just a few more weeks until it gets hot enough for all the topless chicks to come back to the beach in their g-strings!”
The Mailman delivers! Keep it coming DM.
@Ballz: Gliderport is fine (when it’s open), but I am a superior pork/kosher product. better ingredients and more reasonably priced.
Mike - if you can get me to that part of the world without a stopover in NZ, let’s chat…
OK, Mike, back to conversations about the latest SurfPost… I’m going to take the role of Comic Book Guy, “screaming at his monitor right now, “Please! Are you completely ignorant to the fact that Damien lost to Danilo Costa in R4 in 2003?”) Incidentally, Comic Book Guy is right – which means that Damo’s loss to Aritz is not really a first, but instead a bump in the road for a past champion. Hey, Bobby lost to Picon at Chopes last year, and won the comp this year.” How is it that the Euros have become the new Brazilians? Everyone (except Tiago’s Linguica) loves to bag them.
Nonetheless, Tiago was the first Top 45 surfer to beat Kelly last year, and would have done Parko in Tahiti if not for an unlucky paddling interference. Jeremy, after taking down Fanning twice in heaving France as a 17 year old wildcard, beat K9 at Chopes his rookie year, and made the semis at Trestles, as well as the final in Brazil last year after beating Miky in the semis. Aritz finished 9th at Pipe last year and 3rd at Chopes this year. Michel beat Kelly in France 2 years ago, and won Haleiwa last year after an equal 5th in France as a wildcard. I’ll admit, Marlon and Tim are still in need of a big result, but neither of them are holding three 33rds, so let’s give some credit where credit is due…
Standards, once BR wakes up and manages to brush off last night’s hangover, I’ll take a break! Also, Barcelona v. Man U - Champions League final is on in an hour or two, so other distractions beckon… And I’m sorry for using the “hair” saying… How about “waking up on the wrong side of the bed”?
Mike, it’s almost 8 pm, howling onshore and kind of raining, so even the most dedicated “naturistes” (nude sunbathers) have all called it a day!
@standards
I resemble that remark. FUCK YOU!!!! I’ll cock-whip you and lace you in my bungi cords like party streamers. Asshole.
So, an update on today’s heat!!! (sounds of Mike and Standards groaning) Standards with his last series of semi-serious comments/disses gets him some one move wonder love in the high 5’s… But the one that still has me laughing is “We’re all adults here. It’s not like we have some tool commenting about his weiner on a daily basis. Oh wait. Never mind.”… 7.83 !!! Sitting a close second is the schizophrenic Jason Bagle/Black Slacks back and forth, 5.33. Tied for 3rd, Mike (cause he’s coming around to my cause, naked chicks, yeah! and MarkFark for his call out of Tiago’s Linguica in the early minutes of the heat. But the question everyone wants to know, where is BR ?!?
I’d even go so far as to say that Steph Gilmore is exactly what I look for in a rutting partner: a body like a batter-dipped slice of teddy bear and a face with just enough androgyny to make me question my entire belief system. Like Dr. Cutty or Judith Light.
Deconstruct my world, you raging hellcat!!
Dave Mailman, perhaps I was a bit harsh. I guess part of my annoyance is that I don’t get “Dave Mailman” to begin with. Are you a mailman? I mean, I can understand “Blasphemy Rottmouth”. Any one of his filthy, deranged posts merits an an eternity in hell. But, why Dave Mailman?
And, next time you want to ask somebody if they’re having a bad hair day try, “why are you being such a fucking asshole?” Or something along those lines.
Stu, the reality is that NZ has an open process for emmigration. I don’t know about Oz, but last time I tried to squat there I got in trouble attempting a domestic flight. NZ has resources, no war, sustainable banking, economic opportunity,nice people and hasn’t succumbed to Americanization…yet. Fullfill the citizenship requirement and you have a red carpet rolled out for you in Oz. My guess is, you won’t exercise it, but you can. Oz is America waiting to suffocate, though spectacular. I’m just bitter because all “my” Oz secret spots have now been planted in condo’s….
Well, it’s drinking time somewhere globally, cheers Mailman.
When is Lewis going to start rating board caddies? I might have been one of the best board caddies at Teahupoo. I totally freaked Jihad out, and I alone was the main reason Andy beat him in his first heat.
So Standard does your pseudonym imply…. Mediocre, pedestrian, perfunctory, non descript, innocuous?
Look at that hat! Usually when you buy a hat like that you get a free bowl of soup with it. Ohhh, but it looks great on you.
Mike, why are you being such a fucking asshole? Standards (and not Standard) refers to something established by authority, custom or consent as a rule for the measure of quality. As in, the comments have gone to shit because we have no standards.
Standards, Sorry for the confusion! I am actually one of the few people here who doesn’t use a pseudonym… David Wolfe Mailman is my full name, you fuck wit! I don’t normally use swear words, because my parents taught me better than that…
Mike, 12 year old Old Pulteney, straight from the Scottish Higlands, neat, of course. Cheers to you too!
Rodney, do you feel a Cinderella story coming on? And, forget about buying Bushwood!
Wow, thanks for the illiteration Standard.
DaveyM, on this side of the pond, we drink shitty scotch with chunk ice and beer cold. FYI in case Standard rolls through for a visit on your couch.
I had to write standards on the chalkboard of my third grade classroom after I peed in the goldfish aquarium.
To this day, I hate writing the words “I will not express my profound love for watersports in the classroom.”
I prefer a 12 year old Bowmore from the island of Islay, actually. Thanks for the clarification, Mr. Mailman.
@ Tiago’s Linguica… If you are out there, this one’s for you. Christiano Ronaldo is a poor excuse for a transvestite Italian football player in Portuguese clothing… Plays for who? Man Utd.? Must be a sign!
@ Everyone else, sorry for the off target comment but the European club soccer final is on and this pansy Portuguese mercenary playing for Manchester United, who thinks he’s god’s gift to the game is about to get his ass handed to him by Barcelona… and I’m sure TL loves him as much if not more as he loves the Portuguese Tiger!
Oh yeah, and you can get a surf in when you go to pick up aforementioned Scottish whiskey from the isle of Islay for my visit to your couch.
BR wakes up and immediately drops in with two high 7’s. Sexy Steph and oh so fond Simpsons-esque childhood memories! Hope you’re just getting warmed up, Blas!
Standards, don’t know what you do, but try to make it to Scotland for the 6 star in Thurso next year! Waves, whiskey and warm, welcoming and full waisted British chicks galore! If you drink enough whiskey you don’t even feel the cold…
@Mailman
Dude, your third place finish in Scotland obviously generated a lot of female interest. Have you seen the blog on your dating status?
Quote: “David is so caring and would be the best boyfriend in the world. Whoever he marries is the luckiest girl in the world.”
Good work! Just imagine if you had won that round of 296 heat.
Cheers!
Holy shit, Standards, we’ve gone off and started talking about ourselves again! Fuck! I am getting a hang of this swearing thing, ya bunch of cunts!
You’re preaching to the converted, DM. I surfed in and around Thurso for about a week and lived in the lower Hebrides for nearly a year. Never been to the QS event though. The problem with full wasted British chicks in that region is that they’re British chicks. Pasty white fatties. Too many cornish pasties. Mmmm. Cornish pasties.
DM, your parents were right. Ignore my earlier comments. I thought you were a grizzly old postman. Continue full speed ahead with optimism and use profanity sparingly. That is all.
@Daveinthemail,
I think it was a couple of years ago on Ballenger’s site where he had photos of Mr. Horan looking like a massive beached Monk Seal.
Dr. X, I had not seen that! Although I am not a philandering man, I will out of respect for my fiancee and 4 month old daughter I won’t go check it out now while they are in the room!
OK, Champions League final is on. Barcelona up 1-0. Going to leave you all to your own devices now. Play nice! I’ll be back in an hour or two!
@Chris Cote, yea, some board caddy. didn’t Mick Campbell tether his board to your neck, mistaking you for a channel buoy?
Big Kahuna bottles of Steinlagers preferred here.
and BTW, with the recent Kirin buyout of Lion Breweries, AU:LNN, I’ve just recently made enough money to buy all the beer my complete extended family could drink for life! Unfortunately, my 5% yield will be going away. Capital gains still rule. President Zero, first Hawaiian President, planned raising of the tax grab has not kicked in yet!
Sorry, I just referred to stocks again on a surf related message board.
Now back to your discussions of single malted swill.
What the heck, DaveMailman,
You slag me over my warning the less informed about what goes on in the world of penny stocks and those who get paid to hustle them, and here you are talking about freaking Soccer?
Soccer?
Heh. Make sure they have plenty of stretchers on the sidelines!
Halftime!
@ Bob, about Cheyne, could be… Haven’t scene him since the 1998 Masters comp, and his reappearance on the Quiky Pro webcast. I know he was hanging with Pagey for awhile at his surf camp, so maybe they ballooned up together?
@ Standards, I hate Newquay, but I love those cornish pastries, and Scottish beef and onion meat pies, and pints of McEwan’s, and fried Mars Bars and hagis! Wait, hang on, scratch the last one! Hagis taste as foul as most of BR’s comments are. Fried Mars bars however can be surprisingly good, a bit wasted on a cold, rainy, windy afternoon!
Christiano Ronaldo has only faked one penalty so far… No stretchers needed yet. Second half on now! Later!!!
Interesting Cote, Mick tried to tether his plank to my shvanz, mistaking it for the anchor chain on the SS Paul Gauguin.
In line with the Comic Book Guy lines, all I can say is Ha ha, your name’s Dave Mailman.
Stu, you’re a funny guy!
btw, who’s surfing those French beachies better, you or Kevin Olson?
the only soccer moment worth watching, is this…
After thinking about this for a while, I’ve come to the distinct conclusion that Kieren Perrow is analogous to a ghost poopy. He does exist. In fact, you’re pretty sure you grunted and pushed your way through every heat of a contest until something foul was delivered into the bowl. But, after sweating the whole ordeal out - “Poof!” Nothing. No Kieren. Meanwhile, the satisfaction of your relaxed bowels, signals there were results. It’s just not something anyone remembers seeing.
In the end, all you’re left with is a foul odor and the need to flush… just in case.
And I can’t knock Bede. He won the Pipeline Masters in heaving life-threatening conditions. He won at Ground Zero of surfing in epic conditions and lived; it’s like peeing in Pam Anderson’s butt and living to tell the tale without a mouth full of Valtrex.
BR, last comment score 9.5 !!! Finally, something for us to sink our collective teeth into, the anti-thesis of a ghost poopy.
Stu, that would have to be Kevin Olsen, which would make sense since he claims to be a pro surfer, bru!
“Andy Irons wants to be Bubbles from The Wire”
Brutal.
Speaking of futball. With the declining skills, The Kelly/George Best comparison should fit right about now.
K9 is at the point in his career where he’ll need to be careful of the single malt, the oxy, and the Steinlagers.
Keep him away from Andy.
9.5 for the Kieren comment, Bede’s one, not so funny. 4.0. Needs to add some “sizzle”, I believe is the word making the rounds in the “in” pro surf commentary crowd these days…
Stuck here in France, I’m a bit behind the times on the Wire references… Please explain, or I will be forced to download it illegally from the internet! And I don’t have the time to waste, ’cause I already waste enough time as it is… as you can see.
when jeremy flores was 14 years old,kelly slater said that he surfed better than him at 14.
We should ask him what he thinks about jeremy at 20 years old, and compare again
I don’t know, Bob. I would like to see more Kelly, Andy and their best friends trips to exotic, perfect, heavy wave locations à la the ‘A Fly in the Champagne’ trip. They already make for great articles, photos, videos… just imagine if K9 and AI were off tour, slammin’ beers with the boys, and they had daily live webcasting on top of it all?!?
Now, that would be full on bullshit!
jeremy flores is the new sunny garcia without the pounds
@D.Mail, you are right. just because Georgie Best retired from competitive Soccer did not mean the “entertainment” ended!
as to the Wire, i did not know what it was either. apparently it’s a popular tele show.
this, from Wikipedia.
“Bubbles was based on a real police informant known as “Possum,”[6] whose true identity has not been made public at the request of his family. The real Bubbles was noted as having an incredible memory for faces, and was often very helpful in pointing out drug dealers to police. David Simon met with him twice shortly before his death from AIDS, intending to write an article about him. He ended up turning it into an obituary”.
K10. it just does not have the same ring.
unless your driving thru Northern Baja or something.
Nacho, interesting question, that Lewis will have to ask to the man himself, as I have neither the answer, nor Kelly’s personal e-mail or the number to his direct telephone line.
Bob, much respect for George Best… the Keith Moon of English football! Don’t know if we can compare Kelly to him, though. K9 would really have to hit the drink to equal the best of the Best.
@Nacho,
The funny thing is, Slater already responded to that question the other day, when Craig Sager propositioned him during halftime of the Lakers first game versus the Nuggets. Allegedly, Craig inappropriately touched Kelly’s inner thigh while asking him if he liked the older, more mature Jeremy on tour. To which the nine-times champion coldly responded, “Bitch, he ain’t gots nothin’ now that I ain’t already gots from that hairless lil’ fo’teen year ol’ version of the Frenchy, so backdefuggoff! Sheeiit, you best respec. Word.”
What drives many people at the top ranks of any sport into over use of drugs and alcohol is the pressure they think they can’t handle without overindulgence. We can discuss the reasons why many do the same into retirement. K9 is not immune. He’s still a dog like the rest of us.
Aaahhh, the thought of Kelly as a drunk and homeless guy living on the street… Never happen.
Heat update as commenting comes to a close in the Euro Zone:
Although not in top form, BR has taken the heat once again using his finely honed sense of everything wrong in the world and the unsettling ability to regurgitate it as written word. Standards pulls in in second place do especially to the “we’re all adults here” line, and somebody slap me, but I’m putting H2O “Bob” in third due to his finally talking some sense for once, and especially for coming up with a stock comment that we could actually get excited about… investing in breweries!!! Aaaarrgghhg!!!!! Beeeerrrrrrr!!! Glug glug glug glug! Buuuuurrrrrpppp!!!
Now, I have to go! It’s almost midnight and my computer is about to change back into a pumpkin.
Good night!
Looks like Mike, Stu and Dave Mailman make a cute little threesome.
I see I am leaving at the right time. Enjoy your new buddy Mike.
Good night Mailman. May your dreams be filled with images of Filipino she-male hookers sodomizing each other with wheelbarrow handles.
Oops. I just gave myself wood.
Brb.
awww, Marky appears jealous. Enjoy the move to the PNW. Shame you won’t be joining us down the coast - I know deep down that you Christians love to be stereotyped and classified…
How do I move to France? Never been, but I hear it’s got waves and tits and Mailmen.
Hey Stu do you live in San Diego?
Never said K9 would be a “drunk and homeless guy living on the street”. The potential to turn into some sort of Malibuski ala a Gary Busey. Or a Santa Barbarbarian recluse similar to a Mike Jackson is still there. After all, he is hounded and grounded,by the likes of a TMZ, As well as putting himself out there.
Negativo. Somewhere north of there. Doesn’t get more crowded with industry bros than in my neck of the woods.
Hey Stu Mike and I have both said controversial stuff on here and we have both used our real names and stated our homes of record ( me more so then Mike, all we know is he is somewhere between S.B. and S.M.).
What about you? I have heard some brutal, mean words come from your keyboard yet whenever I ask any details about you there is only silence. I guess that is just the way of the web.
Mike I have to admit that you are growing on me. Something tells me we may be doing some serious business in the future. Aloha my friend.
P.S. Not so much you Stu.
If I told you my last name was Pid, would you believe me?
for what it’s worth Mark, nothing you’ve said is controversial. You just think it is.
For what it is worth Stu, you have no testicles.
And I better not catch you up on V. island. Me and the Bruhwillers don’t like pansy ass cowards like yourself.
how would you know it was me? do you think I wear a hat with my name on it (i.e., Mr. Pid)?
Mark,
His full name is Stu L. Sampull
Ba-da-bump-crash!
Stu. Coward of the Week.
Hi there Lewis. Nice to hear from you. How is the weather in Ocean Beach today?
If Lewis actually knew who I was, he be both shocked and appalled.
I’ll give you a hint: It starts with R and ends with Abbi.
Just for the record: Fred P lost the final at Choppes in 2006, (his second year on tour after being the 2005 rookie of the year) against Bob Martinez (rookie of the year in 2006).
I love my typo’s. They like the retarded children I never had, but always made fun of.
Good job Faso. I would have said the same thing if I wasn’t busy putting Stu in a combo situation.
I could also be Stu Hart or Stu Pidasol but I’ll never tell!
Ok, BR, I’ll ask - you love your typo’s what?
ZING! Point to Stu.
Whew. Seems the he “weather’” has cleared up just in time for the Hang Loose Brazil.
By the way, since we’ve been moved up on the schedule, all the pros who never had to actually show up? You’ll soon find out why we call it the “Hang Loose” Pro. Expect to see a major run on the rankings.
HInt. Don’t eat the the comida.
When i was a kid i used to throw sand in the others childrens eyes when they didn’t handed me some toy at the sandbox. Now all i do is to comment on postsurf (and read Rottmouth) exclusively for the sake fun of it, without any expection of childish recognition or what-so-ever, just like when i was a sand throwing children. Or just like surfing. But than this jason beagle comes at scene and starts playing the role of judgding stupidity at his own will. Well, i’m at the spitting phase now. Show me your cheeks beagle.
Ever heard of spellcheck Bodhi? Dude you sound like one of those tatooed wave hogs at Rocky De Janeiro.
I meant tattooed. I think.
One time as a child in Alabama one of the other kids didn’t handed me some toy in playbox. Then I moved to California and came at surfing scene. Now I live hawaii and just to comment post surf.
I used to shoot my jizz in other kids eyes and slap them with my already huge member when they didn’t handed me some toy at sandbox
That Damo vid as a director was as lame as it could get. On the other hand some Good did an awesome vid:
By the way, i like Standards.
Football is good:
And this:
Mark, always when you try to correct me you screw yourself up in the sequence, it’s so funny.
@Bodhi
It would be so funny if you had an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident.
On the whole, I give Lewis’s post today a B- and the comments a D-. Very little actual analysis of anything surf related. Amazingly, Blasphemy Rottmouth had more substance than anyone today.
I did learn that David Mailman is a real person and obviously a pretty darn good surfer, and is apparently preping for the next event in Hossegor. And I also learned that Chris Cote makes a pretty good buoy and looks about as intimidating as my Auntie Mildrid from Liverpool.
And finally I realized that I’m getting really tired of Mark’s act. Quit or don’t quit. Either way, quit threatening it. Stop lamenting how great it was in the good ole days when you won the comment of the week. Move on. And don’t expect us to feel sorry for you because some people think your politics are stupid. Try persuasion. You’re not winning anybody over with pity.
I give today’s comments an F-. Absolutely boring. Didn’t even elicit a chuckle. I hope mailman’s surfing is more exciting than his excruciating commentary.
I once had a good delivery guy called “the mailman”
In fact, that will be my next book……”The Mailman and Me” Look for it at an amazon or surfline store near you!
@ Standards
I have to agree with you. I am getting tired of my own act.
BTW We rate comments as well as posts on a numerical scale of 0.01 to 10.00.Just like pro surfing. Not letters like in grade school.
P.S. Fuck you Standards. No one has analysed pro surfing more than me on this site. You are obviously a regular on Post Surf using a fake name. I am not going for your Pommie act with the little Auntie Mildred from Liverpool bullshit. Man up and tell us who you really are.
Mark,
Fuck you, cocksucker! Would you care for some tea?
Mark,
Is it really the measure of a man that he identify himself on postsurf’s commentary page? What did it get you?
If you go back and read my comment, I did not specifically criticize you for lack of analysis, although I think you will note a good portion of your comments in fact have very little. My criticism pertained to your waffling back and forth on quitting. Do it or don’t do it. Either way, quit fucking going on about it. It’s tiresome. And stop the whinning about how underscored you are. As you put it, Man Up!
That being said, I was actually really enjoying your daily accounts of life on the North Shore until you apparently had to go underground or whatevs. Can we get updates on that topic? I would much rather hear about that than how you’re constantly being unappreciated.
I agree, Trausersnake.
I think that with the site’s growing popularity the once potent Postsurf comments page will only become more mundane.
Disinterest through dilution.
@ trauzersnake
What the fuck is your problem? Are you Mark’s digital bodyguard or something? Is he doing you for that? Go fuck yourself!
Yeah, somehow you know that my PIROCA is so big that i could do that, but i won’t.
I’m not a fag like you.
It’s been a while since i wanted to say this: I DO NOT like your comments. Seriously, they never add anything to the table. You drag the debate level to your level, which is lower than pure shit.
@ Standards
With the exception of Tuesday and Wedensday of last week at Lani’s, which was firing 6 foot plus,it has been small to flat. Town has been 2 to 4 foot and really clean. The weather has been really hot with light and variable winds for what seems like 2 weeks. No trades to speak of.Crowds have been pretty mellow.
Happy now?
Sorry I was so snappy. Money stress sucks.
That’s what I’m talkin’ about Mark. For those of us in less privileged locales, that shit is gold. 2-4 hawaiian, really clean sounds pretty good to me about now. Whatever happened with the bad vibes you were getting from commenting on postsurf? Hopefully mellowed.
By the way, some dude just fired off two shots from a gun a block or so away from me. I’m at the office bustin balls and postsurfin, and this place aint’ in the best neighborhood. Staying away from the windows.
@Bohdi
What dick, all I said was it would be funny if you had an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident. Thanks for the sideways compliment though. Cliffs on both sides man….roach, you’re cold because all the blood is draining out of your body. You’re gonna be dead soon. I hope it was worth it.
@standards
Sean Collins apparently has “standards” which is why we’re all licking Lewis’ balls now. Asshole.
@ Standards
You ever seen Bustin Down the Door? You know the part where Ian Cairns has a shotgun in his car and he is ready to use it?
Bingo.
Hey standards, quick, look out the window, its the Ginja Ninha cock-whipping Gabe Kling on the corner!
@ irrelevant person who likes to post about his weiner on a surf blog,
Go back to doing what it is you do best. You know you want to do it. Come on. Make a clever quip about your tallywacker. We can’t get enough.
Geez. No wonder you’re ready to go. Yeah, get out of that place man. Maybe when you’re gone and the dust settles, you can give us the full story.
@ standards
If I had any sort of relevance I wouldn’t be wasting my time posting to this bullshit, as some of us have been doing ALL DAY LONG.
I’ve never claimed relevance, merely being the owner of a massive, thick, veiny, crooked, purple-helmeted, nasty meatwhistle.
LAL finally played some D…..
@Mark, yea those were the days when someone could own a shotgun. Wait those still are the days. Unless of course you’re in Australia where the lot of ‘em allowed the politicians to confiscate their self protective devices.
talk about wankers.
Well, apparently i’m short of allies in this comparative cock swinging fuck-each-other meeting place. You bitches are obviously on a multiple attack.
Typical cowards.
@ trauzersnake
Compliment? I’d never compliment some bitter motherfucker. You’re not even creative. Your gay comment implied that i’d suffer an accident, because i do have a cock sir. And i knew you had a pussy after all, that’s why it doesn’t work for you.
Dead? I’m as alive as i could be, i’m no fading surf website that will drown quick on it’s own bitterness.
Well, this could be a cool website. It’s fading away now. I’ve noticed some people came here to debate some serious issues and they were always severely bashed. But it’s supposed to be fun, right? Let’s all talk about our cocks, let’s all say how much fucking money we make, how many boards we have, just like a porkfessional surfer that we could not be.
Good comments for the dozen that frequent this piece of shit.
@Bodhi
Dude, the more you get cock-whipped, the better your english becomes. It’s good for you bro! Glad to be of help.
I told you this comment board was ALL about surfing. And that does encompass publicly traded surf related stocks.
This from Billabong’s CEO Derek O’Neill and CFO Craig White. AU:BBG.
“An analyst asked if Billabong has lost market share because it did not participate in price promotions.
Derek O’Neill: “I think that we’d have to say that yeah, we probably have lost a little bit of market share. The fact is, it’s been a pretty good time for some of those retailers, frankly, when everyone is offering it up on a plate it can be pretty attractive.
“I think that we don’t think we’ve lost any brand equity and I’m not sure that frankly giving your product away is going to help you in the end. I think we’ve held our ground. That type of deep discounting can’t continue forever”
“But look, you know, we probably did lose some shelf space for a while there. You know, we’re going to work hard to get it back. The fact is that it was - I can’t blame the retailers too much when they get attractive deals, frankly, but we just really didn’t want to go there. You know, we could have maybe stepped it down a little bit, we probably wouldn’t be showing any different revenue numbers now, we would have sold a lot more units, but the margin would be pretty bad.”
And then he goes on to note….
Store closures
“You know, we’ve been concentrating on the retail we’ve had. I must say landlords are starting to become very enthusiastic again about offering very good deals that currently we’ve held back on with regards to new openings. But certainly that environment’s changed and there could be the opportunity to go into some attractive locations at much lower prices than we’ve paid before.”
Derek, Everyone’s been discounting. It’s called deflation. Get with the program.
No wonder Lewis called you out on the ineptitude of BBG’s management…. and lost his Surfgrind job for doing so.
.
Prediction for Brazil:
I was taking a nap at work a little earlier and I had the craziest vision. I saw Mick Fanning standing on the podium completely drenched in champagne and he was SCREAMING and SHAKING the trophy off towards someone to the side of the stage. He looked even more stoked than when he won Snapper right off the bat after his injury.
In the background, underneath the Hang Loose Pro banner, I could see the target of his froth. Joel Parkinson was standing there with his shoulders slumped and a hollow look in his eyes. Fanning started howling like Blasphemy Rottmouth the day he killed his first cat. ” J-BAY mate!!!!! See you at farkin J-BAYYYYYYYYYYY ya CUNTTTTTT!!!!!!
Meanwhile, halfway around the world, Kelly Slater missed a 2 foot putt and threw his club to the ground in frustration.
I had a busy day today, catching up to find “Mark” pretty active. For quitting, have to admit that the guy is prolific.
Nice to see the scoreboard (DMail)is sleeping.
Knock, Knock….” Mrs. Samuels, can Blasphemy come out and play”
What are you going to do when you lose Mark, Lewis?
Could Dave the Mailman be your next provacatuer?
All I read is that Mark (?) is gone, replaced by creepy gay Mark… pseudonym for BlasphR, 6 degree’s to Lewis Samuels.
And you want to be my latex salesman.
Congrats to Samuel Lewistein, 150 some posts over your least inspired work is prodigious. If that is a word.
The true humor of this boys is that Lewie has to write 9 more masterpieces after he finishes this ranking!!!!! No pay, and one huge gorilla needing to be fed.
Better find some help.
Gay Mark? Latex salesman? What?
Brazil is going to be sick,… if you know what I mean.
Unfortunately, it will be the top tier that comes down with a serious case of the squirts. Upsetting the seeding order, and odor, for the rest of the season.
Brazilian massages for everyone!
Taj, bring your Burro.
I do believe Kelly threw his putter.
Taj wouldn’t bother to pick it up. Bruce would have never pulled it out of his bag. Mick wouldn’t have known he had a putter. Joel’s putter was left at home. Bobby’s putter might have had DNA evidence on it. CJ’s putter was at Damiens house. Taylor’s putter has a mind of it’s own. Wardo’s putter is Lost. Bede’s putter hides in plain sight. Andy’s is gaining weight. Dane’s doesn’t want to play. Freddie’s dyed it’s grip. Courtney’s has a massive head. Macca’s putter missed the ball.
Otton’s putter is keeping time with Spector. Jordy’s putter is filling Mark. Deano’s putter is in Bruce’s bag and he doesn’t know it.
The putter that is JOB is making the rounds at a cocktail party full of strippers and shouldn’t be smelled.
Then Kelly missed another putt.
@ Mike
Dude I barely even know Jordy!
P.S. I see you are pretty fired up tonight. Succesful day at work today?
i want to go have a sandwich.
You know, it would be useful to remember that when logging into someone else’s blog, reading their posts, then logging into the comments section of said posts, only to expend enough mental energy to conjure enough brain cells to form a semi-coherent reponse… tells us three things:
A: The blogger has accomplished his / her objective of eliciting a response to his / her opinions.
B: The commenter thinks enough of his / her own cognitive ability to comprehend the bloggers intent with said post, and offer a substantive response.
C: That Mark’s mom once siphoned off the entire contents of a California’s Cryo-Sperm bank using Layne Staley’s prized tourniquet tubing and a hollowed out aardvark’s gonad.
That said, can someone please explain the direct correlation between Freddy P’s follicular highlighting and its connection, however vague, to heterosexuality?
Wait.
I just watched his bathroom stall interview with some dude that has millipedes running loose above his eyes.
Nevermind.
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that, or Freddy’s lifestyle choices. For the record Fredrick, I don’t agree with Cali’s Supreme Court ruling either… Hollah!)
it s time you all go surf for a reality chek
Lewis,
I’m a kiwi who teaches english in a university, and a long time surfer, so you’re a double treat for me.
Your words are pure pleasure, I wish I could write like you. I liked Derek Hynd, but he was a bit ‘bad acid’ for me sometimes. I like your style.
Cream rises to the top.
Cheers
As always, WWWWAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY over your head, Marky.
Hey Mark, have you seen the Christian dude on Youtube yet? Search, My cat is christian.
But all you fuckwads have to admit, the putting post was pure genius, drunken, but genius.
I’m claiming comment of the WeEk.
Hi Shannon, what’s your sign?
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