Posted by lewis on May 28, 2009 at 7:00 am.

C.J. Hobgood

Tahiti Result: 5 Previous Result: 5 ASP Rating: 4

Bitter truth: there was a moment in Tahiti, after Joel and Mick had lost, but before Taj had bested CJ, when Hobgood had a clear path to a legitimate world title.  It was Teahupoo, for fuck’s sake!  The last venue on tour in which the cards are clearly stacked in CJ’s favor.  But the moment slipped away, and the opportunity was lost.  As expected, CJ surfed his heats with a keen awareness of what it takes to win at Chopes: pits.  But things fell apart against Taj, as the regularfoot looked more aggressive in the deteriorating conditions.  Throughout his heats, CJ’s cutbacks lacked flow and purpose, as he tacked on Donovan-esque style slouches and two-stage positional finishes.  Fair enough, as the judges weren’t really scoring the cutbacks, anyway – just ask Bobby, who fell almost every time he tried to put it on rail.  But against Taj, CJ’s rail-apathy might have cost him.

Jordy Smith

Tahiti Result: 9 Previous Result: 3 ASP Rating: 6

Really, folks: is it any wonder people laugh at professional surfing? Jordy Smith is supposed to be our Lebron James.  The savoir of the league.  And he’s out there giving interviews about fucking cougars up the ass.  And then following that up with interviews about taking it up the ass.  “I don’t want to go to prison that’s for sure… if that’s what it feels like, I don’t want to go,” Smith told GT.  Oh, how the tables have turned, Jordy.  (And for the record, I’m not sure exactly what kind of rectal trauma Smith suffered, and, unlike GT, I don’t really want to know.)  The fact that the unspecified injury was one of the biggest stories of the event tells you a lot about professional surfing.  The other big story?  Josh Kerr getting stung by a wasp on the tip of his penis.  For god’s sake, let’s focus on actual surfing for a moment.  Smith looked much improved in his first heat, but against Adriano, he went into desperation mode after getting clipped on his opener.  There were like 20 minutes left, and Jordy only needed a 4.  He didn’t need to start launching rodeos.

Taylor Knox

Tahiti Result: 5 Previous Result: 9 ASP Rating: =10

For many fans, Taylor Knox is an eternal disappointment.  But consider this: how fucking shocked would you be to see Chris Brown or Vince de La Pena take down Parko at Chopes?  Don’t lie – your eyeballs would started bleeding.  I rest my case.  The fact that Knox is still here, still competing, and sometimes winning, is an amazing achievement.  The last few years, Taylor has turned into a bit of a veteran big game player.  Kinda like Robert Horry back in the day. Too bad surfing isn’t a team sport – but in a way it is, as Taylor came off the bench for Team Rip Curl, took out Parko, and cleared Fanning’s path to the basket.  TK does his best surfing against the surfers he respects the most.  Think Taylor’s losing effort at Trestles last year against Slater, or his winning, super-heat against Parko in R1 at J-Bay.  He’s still relevant.

Tom Whitaker

Tahiti Result: 5 Previous Result: 9 ASP Rating: 8

Incidentally, Tom Whitaker is another big game player.  Foolish pundits expressed shock when Whits took down Fanning in R3.   More discerning observers might have remembered Slater’s loss to Whitaker in dredging, shifty Mundaka barrels last year, or Slater’s loss to Whitaker at Bells the year before that.  Funny, really – that hat at Bells helped open up Fanning’s shot at his first world title.  Now, Whitaker has blocked Fanning’s path to the title instead.  Although he kept cool versus Fanning, Whits panicked against Aritz motherfuckin’ Aranburu.  Tommy tried to launch into a Jordy Smith upside-down flip thing, instead of sticking to his strengths.  The result: a deep and painful aranburuing.  Regardless, Whits has tip-toed his way back to the VIP room following a shocking 2008 campaign.  Sneaky bastard.

Aritz Aranburu

Tahiti Result: 3 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: 19

This is some Susan Boyle shit, right here.  I suspect the ASP marketing guys have been watching enough reality television to finally understand what sells in 2009.  The masses need heroes they can relate to.  They need aspirational entertainment; ugly ducklings transformed into princesses.  Enter the hunchback of Zarautz, Spain, whose unfortunate style translates extremely well when pig-dogging backside barrels.  (The trouble comes for Aritz when he pumps down the line frontisde, somehow in the same pig-dog stance, like a crab running sideways.)  But in left pits, Aritz proved his worth to a jaded surf world by sidelining Dane and Kelly.  I just hope their mutual sponsor, Quiksilver, doesn’t begin the cuts by firing Aranburu for insubordination. Maybe Aritz should get plastic surgery and implants now, in a bid to extend his 15 minutes…  And, for the record, I am now going to pretend I saw this coming.  Yes, poor Aranburu has been mercilessly slandered in the Power Rankings - but in his very first write up, I recognized that his backside tube skills made him look like a "special" third Irons Brother, who had been chained up in the basement for twenty years.


  • Richbzztch says:

    Best segment yet Lewis, your back to the real surfing basics on this 5 spot brotherman. You killed it with Knox and I thought the same damn thing about C.J.’s wack anti carves. His freesurfing footage looked raw and inspiring, his inside no priority tubes were crypt but those cutties looked scared to death to fall. Epic Jordy analogy also. Where did you get that crotch rocket hottie photo? 9.6 P.W. score on this five spot package L.S.

  • Richbzztch says:

    Wasn’t that killer heat between Slates and Knox year before last(07)? Knox scored that gnarly 10 in the quarters against him but couldn’t get by Slaters double 9’s. I might be wrong though due to approximately 6,457 Heineken’s I have drank since then.

  • Jimmy Slade says:

    To be fair to Bobby, he was on borrowed equipment.

  • MuckFark says:

    Bobby was on the same shitty Gallagher shaped thruster Ceej was riding. Great for the barrel. But cutback coincidence? I think not.

    And for all you fucking morons out there still trying to figure it out; when you want to say “you are” in quick colloquial way, you absolutely must use a fucking contraction, YOU’RE. Stop making the same dumb ass mistake over and over YOU’RE driving me insane. Thank you

  • Time Machine says:

    LEwis, when are you going to do the full report GT. Enough is enough

  • dennis says:


    please do a write up on this, aranburu has fucking 900+ votes. its a layup

  • Basqo Puro says:

    Aritz Aranburued all of you all!

    It’s easy to be mean at he style when he beat all your hero surfer. It obvio, like denis says said, Aritz has 900+ votes because the world now see he best!

    Euskaldunak! Euskaldunak! Euskaldunak!

    Aritz is absinthe for all!

    LEwis ranking #10! Top 10!

    Euskaldunak! Euskaldunak! Euskaldunak!

  • Tripod says:

    Some pretty good stuff, but, in my opinion, not as inspired as what you wrote about the bottom 5. Overall, the accompanying photos are better than write ups this time around.

  • Heinz Phillips says:


    You’re post is right on. Your perceptive. Yur name is clever two.


  • meter says:

    Much improved from the last couple of posts. a deep and painful aranburuing was a slam dunk.

  • flow says:

    when you talk about aranburu, don’t mention spain but the basque country.
    careful with that shit lewis, they don’t like it over their and could send a terrorist comando to settle things with a few pounds of c4.

  • Mike says:

    Lewis, stop clowning Taylor…. oh yeah, the backhanded slap that ended your “analysis” was appreciated by TAylor’s fans…. are there any? He is elite, but invisible, like so many of these guys.

    Aritz and Whitts have seen the last of the top 10 boys, the water slide will open after Brazil

    Jordy is into Anal, Mark is into Jordy, what’s Jordy’s putter into? COTWeEk!!!!!!!

    But in the dying heat, Lewis pulls a gem out of his ass… “Donovan-esque style slouches and two stage positional finishes”


  • ted says:

    I was really hoping Aritz was going to take the number one spot on the rankings this time. After all, he took out many of the big names this event and did so while struggling with a debilitating case of epilepsy.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    That ““special” third Irons Brother, who had been chained up in the basement for twenty years” was out at 4 to 5 foot, kegging, offshore La Piste in Capbreton this morning getting shacked off his nut with that “unfortunate style (that) translates extremely well when pig-dogging backside barrels” and even threaded his way through a couple on his forehand “like a crab running sideways”, while Lewis was sleeping off his hangover, and having sweet, salacious dreams of a private, “man on man” session with BR…

  • Mike says:

    Oh Dave the Mailman, can you please track my subscription to Surfers Journal? I had trouble sleeping last night and wondered when it will arrive.

    Thanks buddy for calling down to the station for that info.

  • Mike says:

    Lewis and BR do man on man, Mailman, it’s called masterbation.

    Your probably unfamiliar with the crass term because of all those naked french chicks frolicking the dunes, but in SF a man has to take care of himself occassionally…. or so I’ve heard.

  • ReB says:



  • Ballz says:

    Flow, are you kidding me? We’ve got the Nazis and Da Hui pissed, why not the Basqes? I guess the Nazis are more or less vanquished. Da Hui is a relatively small group of small-minded thugs who have yet to resort to C4. But somehow they seem a more realistic threat to candor here. The Basques are certainly capable, but why target overseas surfers?

    The trick is getting the Basques to turn on Da Hui. Barca needs to get Aranbrued. I think that Bosco, the always delicious chocolatey drink, had it right when he said, “It’s easy to be mean at he style when he beat all your hero surfer.”

    Can you imagine how mean at their style Da Hui would be at Aranbru and the Basques generally if Aranbru vanquished Barca and then called Da Hui out for being pig-headed steroid freaks with raisins for testicles?

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Mike, my last comment was an apparently failed attempt to let everyone know that it was pumping this morning in the Hossegor region, as opposed to where most of you live, that I’m bitter because I had a meeting with my accountant that was eventually canceled but still missed aforementioned session, that bag on him all you want Aritz is living the good life scoring sick waves traveling the world and taking out world champs and media darlings along the way, and I think that Lewis is a bit jealous of the “Hunchback of Zarautz, Spain” (which is in the Basque Country by the way, and yes, there is a difference… But that’s a topic for another day).

  • Ballz says:

    Dave Mailman, the whole jealousy slant is too easy. Yes, Lewis is jealous of Aranbru, just like we all are jealous of every single person on tour (perhaps with the distinct exception of Josh Kerr and his wasp sting).

    The Power Rankings exist for criticism. Lewis is fucking good at it. Staying pig-dog as he pumps down the line frontside? Brilliant.

    You presumably find something interesting about Lewis’ writing or you wouldn’t be on here incessantly. Please don’t resort to the line that every wanker on tour says when he’s the victim of LS’ pen. He’s just jealous. No shit. Now deal with the criticism.

  • Stu says:

    I think I know how Aritz felt this morning when he learned of his position on the Power Rankings. Similar, I suppose, to the feeling I had after laying an ideal, single turd this morning, complete with a perfectly-tapered point and no dirt left for the paper. Life is good today, but you never know when that next burrito will force its way through and turn things upside down.

  • Ballz says:

    Off topic, but Stephanie Gillmore or the chick on the Progressive Insurance commercials dressed in white?

  • MuckFark says:

    Yur write Heinz. I say fuck grammar and piss on diction. My comments are rarely entertaining anyway, why should they be even be legible?

    I am retiring the MuckFark alias in honor of Mark. As a recognition of his OG COTW status and because he generally writes some of the most insightful/entertaining comments on here. I reserve the right to reinstate my alias at any point, but for now I move on to greener pastures. My new name will be Heinzlicksballz….or maybe I’ll return to an old favorite AKnostic.

    The Artist Formerly Known as MuckFark

  • Steve says:


    Heading into Brazil, prediction wise, I’d think it would be…

    5. Bobby
    4/3. Jick and Moel
    2. Taj
    1. Adriano

  • JAVAL says:

    Mailman, it would be nice if you explained what you meant with that last sentence, please…

  • Dave Mailman says:

    @JAVAL. It means people are already hating me, so best not to go off topic into the historical/political discussion of the Basque Country and it’s division between France and Spain…

  • JimG says:

    Power Rankings 1-5:

    1. Alex Knowst
    2. Donovan Frankenreiter
    3. Dave Rastavich
    4. Bruce Irons (A.I. is still too into competition.)
    5. Rob Machado

  • Chris Cote says:

    I should do a video about the US Open in the same style as the Da Hui Tahiti video. I would, but i have very soft bones in my face and a lot of dental work, i’d hate to have it smashed in.

    “Surfers of Huntington Beach … “

  • Ballz says:

    These are the 5 most powerful people in the surfing industry, known loosely as “the Pentaverate”. They run the media and the brands and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion known as, “the Meadows”.

    1. GT
    2. Alex Knoost
    3. Scott Bass
    4. Sean Collins
    5. Eddie Rothman

  • Ballz says:

    Chris Cote, make sure to bounce your pectorales and to struggle when pronouncing multisyllabic words.

  • gargle gargle says:

    (The trouble comes for Aritz when he pumps down the line frontisde, somehow in the same pig-dog stance, like a crab running sideways.)

    Had me laughing out loud Lewis!
    Farking funny shite carnal…

  • Richbzztch says:

    Muckfark was an awesome name. Your gonna change something as classic and original as that?

  • dr says:

    I’ve just heard The Black Seeds the first time. And they’re shit.
    It seems I do not know everything after all. For the many commentators on this post with my previously held affliction I suggest you check them out. I’m not necessarily apologizing to jack Johnson, Donovan, or this captain L.Ron Knox fellow but I’m seriously thinking about giving peace a chance.

    P.S. It’s flat in Paris.

  • H2O "Bob" Dobb says:

    @Ballz, it’s Flo,

    it’s also what Aritz lacks.

  • Pauly Shore says:

    Hey, I didn’t give anyone permission to use my pic next to Ceej! Fuck you guys. Wanna buy my DVD?

  • aitor says:

    Lewis, did you already forgot that Aritz finished 9th (he was beaten by Jamie O) last year at the Pipe Masters??? Don’t you remember that last year’s Pipe Masters was all about Backdoor? Don’t your remember his first big result on wqs was at Thurso’s frontside barrels?

    As he proved at Tahiti that he is really good on backside barrels, he proved at Backdoor that he’s also very good on frontside barrels.
    Hey, it’s simple, he’s good on barrels and big waves. He’s not so good on small waves yet.
    But he’s 23 years old, he is definitely a hard worker and we usually have small waves at Zarautz… so I’m sure he will improve his surfing on small waves.

    By the way, you wrote the same shit about Aritz as Ian Cairns did on surfline.

  • jake says:

    Nothing to do with the power rankings, but pretty gnarly. Cote is probably tickled pink to read this shit.

    Sinking ship?


  • Chris Cote says:

    I don’t want any friends to lose jobs, but i do want Transworld to crush shit.

    The waves always get shitty when i tell myself i’m gonna start surfing again.

    go buy A Fly In The Champagne

    subscribe to Transworld SURF

    anything else i can sell on here?

  • kyle says:

    do you put these up in segments to get more hits on your website? Still like it better than the new power rankings, but you dont have to talk shit about everyone.

  • Stu says:

    Ballz - you talking about the cashier chick? I’d take Steph all day. She’s not as hefty as you think - at 5′10, there’s a lot of frame there, and it all looks good to me. Can you imagine how bummed the midgets on tour, or Chris Cote, get when they stand next to her?

  • Scott Cbass says:

    Right, Kyle. They say mean things here about lots of people. Better not catch them at Cardiff Reef, right bro?

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Chris Cote,

    If you sell me your soul, I’ll use lube the next time you bend over.

  • Chris Cote says:

    Will do, and Thank you

  • trauzersnake says:

    @ Pauly Shore

    I’ll buy it if it has that big hoss knocking you out on stage in odessa, TX, as seen on ifilm.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    @Ballz… OK, you win. I admit it. I am not nearly as talented as some people here at coming up with witty barbs, or amusing imaginary conversations, that may or may not have anything to do with the day’s post topic, but certainly make us all laugh. Yes, I’m even jealous of some of them. Sometimes, I actually turn green with envy when I read the words of the enormous talents that are Lewis Samuels, Blasphemy Rottmouth, and some of their friends. So I’m sorry I played the jealousy card! My bad!

    Note to self! What I have learned the last few days on PostSurf:
    1. Do not use the “bad hair day” phrase.
    2. Do not play the “jealousy” card.
    3. Do not “score” people’s comments.
    4. Do not make too many comments.
    5. In fact, do not even make any comments at all, because your comments are no fun.

    OK!!! I can take a hint!!! You sound like all the angry guys who write messages to us commentators about how shitty we sound on the webcasts. Jealous pricks, I say! Shit! The J WORD, again!

  • Ballz says:


    No slight on Stephanie. I actually have a bit of a Progressive Girl fetish. I don’t know what my problem is. I can’t stop thinking about her. Maybe it’s the all white or something. Should I go camp out in her yard? Celebrity chicks love that shit.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:


    I would start by rummaging through her trash when she’s not home. Used panties rarely turn up, but I’ve… errr, ‘studies’ have shown that many useful items such as combs, used Q-tips, and toenail clippings are successfully found around 80% of the time.

    When in dire straights, waiting for the correct moment to spring from your windowless Econovan in an effort to share the bald-headed butler beneath your trench coat can be a tedious task. Nevertheless, a task well worth the wait, when you see the look of unsquelched horror on her face.

    Good luck my friend.

  • Stu says:

    You’re not the only one from what I can tell. I’ve always been partial to girls with a bit of height, and the 2x world title thing at a still very young age makes it all that much sweeter. Maybe, however, it’s just what she’s up against in the likes of Coco, Sally etc., none of whom are much bigger than a pencil troll as far as I can tell. That said, give me Paige Hareb any day over the rest of ‘em…

  • MrBiscuits says:

    Excellent segment. Can we get more on jordy’s cougar-anal fetish and where GT fits into the equation?

  • Mark says:

    Long live MuckFark!!!

  • Mark says:

    Good job Lewis. I have to give you credit for powering out the posts for seemingly zero financial reward.

    When is Kelly Slater going to announce his intentions for the remainder of 2009? Does Dave Mailman, alleged insider as well as Mikes new best friend, have any idea? How about you Lewis? Do you ever speak with the pro’s or are you as popular as Sean Hannity at a wine tasting in Mill Valley?

    Slater has proven to be an unstoppable front runner but when was the last time he started off like this and ended up winning the world title? Ever?

    Come on champ!!!! Go down to Brazil and make it interesting!!!

    P.S. Hey Mailman is France a good place to live? What is the economy like? How about tax rates? Health care?

    Just wondering.

  • Stu's shriveled raisin testicles says:

    We are practically non-existent.

  • Mike says:

    Mailman Dave has a proper edge to him, doesn’t he? Polite even when infuriated. Apologetically pissed off.

  • Mark says:

    @ Blashemy Rottmouth

    My wife is missing a comb and some nail polish.

    And my mom called from Bama and said she can’t find her curling iron.

    What’s up?

  • Mark says:

    @ Mike

    Are you going to offer Dave mailman a job too? I am sure he will be polite yet firm when asking for the business and will apologetically show his frustration in a tactful manner when rejected.

  • Stu says:

    Shut up mark, you fag. Don’t hide behind screen names. I told you my real name yesterday, so step up. Better not let me see you in the OC.

    Man, that’s fun. Now I see why you do it. I should try the quitting and then coming back the next day thing next.

    You’d love France, Mark. No working more than 35 hours a week and 8 weeks of vacation minimum. Free health care too. All the stuff Republicans want so badly here but can’t get.

  • Stu says:

    I hear even dummies with no real education can live a nice life in France.

  • Mark says:

    Why are you arguing with the internet Stu?

  • Stu says:

    You’re not man enough to challenge me, you keyboard sissy.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    I suppose anal sex with the chick on the motorcycle in Jordy’s pic would be like putting your wiener in the Holland Tunnel. When she’s finished, she has to wipe with a live sheep.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    That ass is so fat it partially exists in yesterday.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    That ass is so fat, it poops full size women with slightly smaller asses.

  • Mike says:

    Mark, what is your trip?

    I have several territories open, you clowned the offer? All you’d have to do is try…. that’s what salesman do, try. Proactive wins and the ground (sales) floor is open. If you drop the ball, someone will catch it, I’m not woriied. You happen to fit the profile, but I could attend one morning of church and find a new Mark… and you know I am loathe to do that.

    Dave delivers mail, he has a job.

  • Llama Squad says:

    Why must Mr. Lewis insist on using our likeness in his silly rankings?

    We as a species do not advocate violence.
    Especially toward little boys playing…is that Australian rules football? Wait, that’s not futball! Mother Fucking kid!

    And stop using the Llamas! Especially for Tommy Whits. No one even notices his ascent, his heat wins. He just suddenly places.

    He is like The Great Incan Potato. Long ago, when the great white condor ruled the skies above the white capped mountains of ancient Peru, the wild potato, ancestor of all the world’s spuds, was first planted in the rocky, cool soil. You never knew it came, yet it will fill you eternally and leave you in a hallucinogenic stupor.

    That, and all Llamas spit on you.


  • Stu says:

    Even better… I hear mailmen in France get 12 weeks a year off! No wonder Dave loves it there so much.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Seriously, that ass is so fat it has a trunk. Gilbert Grape’s mother just called me… she said she’s concerned for the health of the ass pictured next to Jordy.

    Then, she recommended ordering quint-stackers from Burger King. Yes, I said quint gawdammit!

  • Mark says:

    Just read Ace Buchan’s blog on surfline. He pretty much repeated my take on Slater not quitting while he is down.

    Ace does seem like a pretty cool bloke and he is a decent, articulate writer as well.

    Can’t remember if it was 2005 or 2006 but I was watching the World Cup at Sunset seated next to the Brazillian crew of pro’s and Ace got THROATED on an inside almond that had the boy’s in the bleachers going MAD. I knew at that moment the guy was something special. Peterson Rosa ( or maybe it was Neco Padaratz, who can tell? ) turned back and looked at me with his arms raised like ” WTF!”.

    P.S. Stu I have decided to offer an olive branch to you. In the spirit of bipartisanship that President Obama has brought to Washington I would like to offer a fresh start and try my best to make ammends. What is that you say? Oh. Obama has done absolutely NOTHING bipartisan since he was elected? Oh well I will still stand by my offer. Stu, will you be my friend?

  • Mucksark would be epic.

  • Mark says:

    Golly darn Gosh, Ace is pretty cool and he is a decent writer, articulate. He pretty much wrote the same thing I did, he even copied me on Surflie. I was bummed at first to find no Gadauskas Brothers updates, the ‘QS is a grind and when I sit in the portuegeusse section of the bleachers, I’m reminded how much I enjoyed Ace’s take on Slater… the same as mine. Broing down with Neco, the memory of what a cool bloke ACe is on that World Cup day…. special because I live on the North Shore. They hold the World Cup at Sunset beach, I love that wave like the back of my hand. Slater’s not quitting… or else I’d have to charge him for a royalty? I hope he does, I need the cash to move to a Christian compound in Oregon. I wonder, is Ace Christian? Being such a cool bloke, I can easily see him going to my church. Your black president threatens me, Stu. YOu should be like Ace buchan and visit both Surflie and Church, then you would hate other people not like you who shouldn’t have the same rights as you. Jesus wanted capitalism to dominate society, Jesus loves money. Anyway, in the spirit of bipartisanship, Stu I want you to be my bestest friend in the world. Can’t wait for tomorrow morning, Rubber Duckies is supposed to be going off, but I’m gonna outthink the rest of the Bro’s and hit Euhukai. Hope I see Ace out there practicing for Brazil? He’s on my team.

  • Mark says:

    Obviously Mark at 4:53 isn’t me.

  • H2O "Bob" Dobb says:

    @Mark. Euro Health care?

    The cost of healthcare is a bargain.

    As long as you disregard the long wait time for anything of importance, the rationing of services for anyone over the age of 61, and your over the top oppressive tax bill.

    Other than that, it’s great!

    And don’t foregt, it’s FREE!

  • Mark says:

    Hi Stu. Vengeance is mine, sayeth the lord.

    I will pray for you.

  • Mark says:

    I don’t want to be where I am not wanted.

    You win.

  • The Coalition to bring Mark back says:

    Please, let us all pray to keep Mark on Post Surf. He’s very fun and a solid citizen, something this site needs. Now that we have Dave the Mailman, Scott Bass, Dennis and Ted, a culture change is undeway.

    “Ace Buchanan here, lay off me mate Mark from Haliewa, he’s a good bloke and you toughs on Post Surf are going to hell”.

    The next time we have the post Barbque, we need to make sure Mark is invited. Last event was intolerable once Blasphemy got drunk and took over the conversation.

    Yeah Mark!

  • Mike says:

    You guys had a bar b que?

  • Mike says:

    Mailman must have lost my invitation, thanks Dave.

  • Mark says:

    You spelled Haleiwa wrong Mike.

  • Suckfark fyi bzztch, Bobby was riding a borrowed DHD from Tahitian local Alan Riou. Similar to his normal spec’s and not a sick Gally C.J. thruster. Fucking morons drive me insane when they are not up on tour insider specifics. BTW are you still selling your Gally G Deck on Craigslist?.

  • Mike says:

    He’s back! Yeah!

    Nice to read you again my friend, how’s everything going?

    You, of all people should know I know how to spell.

    Welcome Home, Bammy

  • allan weisbecker's rinkld nutsak says:

    @ Mark

    You can move down here to Mexico with me buddy. I even have an extra hammock for you. I just might need you to run a couple of little errands for me. It’s no big deal (he he, well, it is a big deal..haha). Anyway, come on down amigo.

    BTW, can you do that thing like jesus does-you know, lay your hands on my rinkld nutsak and make it smooth and supple once again?? That would be cool. Adios!!

  • Namib says:

    What a joke these comments are. I live in western Africa and usually surf alone. Reading these comments makes me thankful for that.

  • trauzersnake says:

    @ Namib

    That’s part of the point. I live in the western united states and usually surf with 5 to 200 other guys, and i have sex alone. Reading these comments gives me a big boner. Anyway, I got that going for me.

  • Namib says:

    Sorry I commented.

  • trauzersnake says:

    @ Namib

    It was only a joke, bro. I think Kelly, Andy, and Bruce are the greatest innovators of our time when it comes to backside tube-riding. I’ve never seen more beautiful surfing than Tom Curren swooping at Lance’s R. in the original surf video, and there are too many underground guys to name that absolutely rip.

    Take ZQK’s first quarter loss with a grain of salt. Most of it is due to a loss from discontinued operations resulting from the sale of its Rossignol winter sports gear business, however their $740 million line of credit that is coming due could cause problems. It appears they have been able to extend that somewhat. Their financial statistics in comparison to competitors and the industry sector are ok.

    Whew! Can I go back to talking about my cock now?

  • trauzersnake says:

    that was supposed to be ’search’ video. sorry

  • Mark says:

    Vaya Con Dios.

  • Mike says:

    Where you going?

    Bammy, wanna go to Namibia?

    I’ll ask Dave the Mailman if he’ll let you tag along. He’s quite particular.

  • Occy's Mum says:

    Absolutely fucking solid. Insightful, relevant, and funny as hell.

    Knox is a legend. You hear that TAYLOR? A legend. And you seem nice as hell from what I can tell.

    Not sure you can top this Lewis, but good luck.

  • Occy's Mum says:

    And BR @ 3:50. LOL.

  • trauzersnake says:

    I didn’t really want to slap cocks with that guy anyway. Probably has some 16 1/2″ black mamba.

  • Mike says:

    size queen

  • Bil-O Bil-O says:

    Jeez guys, stop wasting your time on here with all this slapping moose cock bullshit; check out this awesome shirt for sale on amazon and write a review over there. Chicks will be ALL OVER YOU when you wear this t-short with 3 wolfs howling at the moon on it.


  • Mike says:

    Traveling salesman?

    He’s trying, Mark.

    That’s what salesman do.

  • trauzersnake says:

    The top 45 really need to take notes from King James.

  • Bil-O Bil-O says:

    i’m not a salesman, my friend sent me the link to that shirt and i thought it was funny. the reviews are sweet. there’s some other funny reviews where they sell zubaz pants, great for boss men like you guys., especially if you’re considering circumcision later in life; perfect for speeding up the healing process.
    i can’t believe how much ammo you guys carry.
    on fire. everyday.

  • Jeff Hackman says:

    Quiksilver needs to get back to it’s roots. What originally put it on the map. Apparently, the very same thing that provided the ASP with it’s seed money, and it’s very foundational beginnings.

    Drug Smuggling.

  • Jon says:


    what the fuck does west africa have to do with the namib you dumb fuck

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Ervin Johnson once surfed in Namibia adorned with a full HazMat suit… and the fucker still got AIDS.

  • allan weisbecker's rinkld nutsak says:

    @ Jefe Hackman

    Huh?? Did I mention I have an extra hammock down here?

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:


    And by ‘take notes from LeBron’ you must mean; make sure you’re trailing a heat 19.50 to 15.00 at Gas Chambers, while depending on a bomb set with one minute left, after paddling for twelve straight days against the Mississippi River’s current?

    Ummm. Okay.

    Magic in Six.

    Heh heh.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    @Bil-O Bil-O

    I would buy that shirt. It would be a fine collector’s piece – commemorating the unholy triumvirate of Mark, SmyrnaJeff, and TheCoalitionToBringBackMark (TCTFUCKHISSELF), howling at the gaping orifice that is… ‘Goatse.’

    Google it… and die!

  • allan weisbecker's rinkld nutsak says:

    Does anyone think that Sean Collins ever carried a little ‘extra load’ during one of his sailboat races?


    He’s certainly paddling pretty hard. Not thinking ‘oh, I’m over this paddling, I’ll just go be a photo slut.” I think that bomb will come at the horn with the King dragging his giant black member in the face for a 10.00. That’s professional sportsmanship.

  • allan weisbecker's rinkld nutsak says:

    WHOOPS!!!! I was supposed to be Trauzer!!! Busted…GAAWWDAMMIT!!!!

  • trauzersnake says:

    …too many stones to keep up, that’s what i said to her.,

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Lol @ Trauzer’s faux pas.

  • Mike says:

    You guys are sick, I quit.

    I’ll send the check Mark, leave me alone.

  • Mike says:

    magic in 6

  • Bob Dobb says:

    Cavs in 7.

    A Burro in Brazil.

  • trauzersnake says:

    Please bow your heads in silence for our friend Allan Weisbecker’s Rinkld Nutsak. He was a great….well, he probably should’ve been sitting in a cell instead of a hammock, but……..

  • Mike says:

    Ouch, sorry to hear about that truazr

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    You got to hand it to the guy, Tom Whitaker surfs fabulously well for having the face of David Arquette’s mongoloid brother, and the legs of an anorexic stork.

    Good on ya, mate.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:


    Is Tommy Whits all of a sudden off limits? Did I go to far??

    Is this thing on?

    HELLo, HELlo, HEllo, Hello… hello???

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    And here I was going to get all deep into the Tyler ‘Titleist-Face’ Knox’s fecal incontinence.

    Oh well, another day, another time.

  • Bil-O Bil-O says:

    @BR, 3W1M QuikWolves Edition:

    Mark my words: If Kelly would wear the “Three Wolf-One Moon” T-Shirt, it would bring the untapped power of the wizard sleeve to fruition!

    But you don’t have to take my word for it, this trio of reviews speak for themselves:

    “…I can tell you now that the 3 Wolf 1 Moon shirt is the real reason why the dinosaurs are extinct.” F.Monteleone

    “I received my three wolf moon t-shirt in the mail 514 days ago. After eagerly tearing open the package, I pulled it over my head. I’ve been wearing it ever since. My life has completely transformed in the past 514 days: it’s gone from mediocre to fantastic…” T.Trask

    “…Caution: As others here have documented, the raw power of this shirt is way too much to handle and can be dangerous in the wrong hands. Please everyone, use the 3W1M wisely…” Nisah Cheatham

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Lol @ my Australian prununciation of Taylor’s name…

    Fuck you and all that you love.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Lol @ my spelling of pronunciation… and Bil-O’s t-shirt hawking skills.

    Dude, I already ordered three for my grandma so back off, bitch!

    And she’s been dead for three years now.

  • Those charged w/governance-ZQK says:

    Lay off of us you snivelling worms. We are fine. We are 404 compliant. We are golden, just like our golden boy. We file our 10 Q’s, 10 K’s, and all that shit timely. We employ thousands of chinks, indos, bengladehi’s and others…can you say that you pissants?!! Think about it next time you take a hot piss in one of our supple, snug fitting wetsuits. We are bigger than you, we are bigger than life. Sean Collins licks our collective ball bag. Get over it dregs. See you on Indies Trader IV……or not!! PISSANTS!!!!!!

  • Bil-O Bil-O says:

    Quiksilver fall line 2009: 3W3M

    with a shirt as powerful as 3W1M, you should be able to bring your grandma back to life, especially with three layered up.

    just wait for the 3 MOONS version to come out for the fall line…3 moons =3x the gravitational pull, 3x the power, 3x the resurrection ability

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    I’m sorry, but three visions of ‘Goatse’ are just too much for my sanctimonious mind.

  • Bil-O Bil-O says:

    this is nearly as cool as all you douchbags:


  • PacNW says:

    Bil-O has stolen the show. IMHO, the reviews of the 3WXM shirt were a classic study in the power of understatement.

    Now, where the heck is that damn Portuguese frother, Linguica?! I need to keep him from eating all our fish. Further, I’m leaving for Madeira in a matter of hours and could use some input.

    To the rest of you (and your alter-egos), consider yourself lucky I’m not as profane as Dave Mailman.

  • A Basque guy says:

    This looks like an idiot comments championship. Who will win??
    This should be a surfing comments website and it is not…
    Do you guys have a real work? I don´t think so
    Sometimes Lewis´s power rankings are funny but not all of them
    And don´t worry Lewis, we will not send any terrorist command to blow your ass for your shitty comments about Aritz

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    I would envite you, and your superb prose, to comment in a thread that hasn’t been dead for twenty-four hours.

    Other than that, feel free to dog-pile onto the heap of carnage.

  • A Basque guy says:

    I will keep reading this Blog because is good to improve my english and sometimes i do have fun reading the power rankings…but why Lewis does´nt give any chance to Aritz? He admits that Aritz has been mercilessly slandered in the power rankings, and I think Aritz is in tne wct because he´s been surfing really well the last years in the wqs and he has proved that in Pipe last year and this time in Tahiti.

  • A Basque guy says:

    by the way, could you tell me who´s not been dead for 24 hours?

  • A Basque guy says:

    Sorry for my english Blasphemy, i understand now je je je

  • pat ryan says:

    I am glad we have interviews with jordy about cougars taking it in the ass. our sport isn’t like other sports and that is a good thing. imagine how boring shit would be if all the guys were professional robots.

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