Joel Parkinson
Tahiti Result: 9 Previous Result: 1 ASP Rating: 1
Joel Parkinson can find solace in recent history. Like Joel, Slater started last year with two wins, only to fall early at Chopes. Fortunately for Slater, all the other contenders fell early, too. Same story this year, as Parko’s real rivals (Mick, CJ, and Kelly) dropped the ball. Instead, two more toothless quasi-contenders emerged from the shadows – Taj Burrow and Bobby Martinez. Only trouble is, Parko is not Kelly Slater. So there’s no guarantee he’ll win the next one. Preserving a big lead is mostly a mental game. The rest of Parko’s year might play out like a teenager on mushrooms taking a phone call from their grandparents. The internal monologue running like this: “Don’t freak out man, don’t freak out. Just act normal, do what you’d usually do… wait, what do I usually do? What does being normal even mean?? Why am I talking to myself? Am I saying this out loud? Am I licking the phone? Why am I licking the phone? Are my pants wet? Did I pee on myself? I can’t tell if they’re wet or not. OH SHIT! I forgot how to breathe, I forgot how to BREATHE!“
Taj Burrow
Tahiti Result: 2 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: 2
From a statistical perspective, Taj Burrow currently has the best chance at challenging Parko for a world title. Assuming Burrow can drop that one nagging 17th like she’s a clingy girlfriend, he’s sitting pretty with one 3rd and one 2nd. Add a potential first in Brazil, and we might have a title race on our hands. Certainly, Taj wants it more than Fanning and CJ – but for that matter so does Adriano, and it doesn’t mean either of them will ever win a world title. In order to get there, Taj should play to his two key strengths: 1) The judges drink up the vitality in his turns as if it’s virgins’ blood. (Reference that 8.0 Taj got off fin pitches in the quarters). 2) Taj is employing a Bra Boy, MMA fighting-champion as his personal trainer. So, here’s the plan: If Taj sticks to doing his signture turns, and then has his trainer pull a and club Parko in the shins like he’s Nancy Kerrigan… Taj could win the title.
Mick Fanning
Tahiti Result: 9 Previous Result: 5 ASP Rating: 3
When watching Mick Fanning, I’m at times reminded of Tom Carroll’s quest to regain his lost World Title. When Curren stepped in and took the trophy away from Australia, Carroll re-focused, improving his surfing, dominating the North Shore, and training before training was something pro surfers even did. For all his effort, Carroll never regained the crown. He seemed destined to do it, but he threw it all away in 1988 by interfering with Todd Holland at Pipe. At other times, I’m reminded more of Damien Hardman, who didn’t seem particularly concerned about regaining the crown. He just kept chipping away, a workman at his trade, and eventually he won his title back, in 1991. What I’m getting at is this: Mick Fanning could easily win another title, but in order to do so he’ll have to figure out what the motivation is, and he’ll have to figure out if being motivated is even a help at all.
Adriano de Souza
Tahiti Result: 5 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: 5
Speaking of motivation: it’s no secret that Adriano wants it, and he both wins and loses because of it. After reportedly getting into an altercation with Dustin Barca during a freesurf, Adriano attacked his heat against Barca with sheer aggression. It was a brave tactic, given Barca’s reputation for exploding instead of thinking things through. Yes, the heat took place in Tahiti, which is theoretically neutral ground. But many Hawaiians before Barca have assumed that they’re de facto locals wherever there are tropical barrels. Judging by Adriano’s performance, he has little regard for his physical safety – and I say that mostly because he repeatedly smashed the lip over dry reef and lost skin because of it. However, De Souza’s motivation hurt him against Bobby, when he destroyed every scrap in a frenzy while Bobby patiently waited for the two best waves, and won. Now, any chance at a world title must be forged on a victory in Brazil.
Bobby Martinez
Tahiti Result: 1 Previous Result: 9 ASP Rating: 7
This is a patient man. He doesn’t win every heat, but in 4 years he’s won 4 events. It’s taken Damien Hobgood 10 seasons to win four, and Taj is only at 6 wins after 12 years on tour. Patience delivered Bobby a victory at Teahupoo, just as it’s cost him so many wins in the past. Think back to Chile ‘07, when Bobby scored a 10 against Mick Fanning, and then sat out back the entire rest of the heat waiting for another bomb… and lost. Or when Slater beat him in Fiji last year in similar circumstances. Bobby does not panic. If the tour is a game of poker, he’s willing to fold time and again, letting bad hands go by, waiting for just the right cards. This strategy looked like it was going to Aranburu him in the semis, but it did not. And in the final, it paid off to perfection: Bobby rode 4 waves to Taj’s 10… but Bobby’s first two scores added up to the highest total of the event, and another trophy on his mantelpiece.
still havent read it..
one thing about taj : he lives up to his potential. i.e. he doesnt have a world title in him, but he’s good. even though all his turns are skimboarder-like. never seen a wave from him like b-mart’s sick backside tube at j-bay (last year?) — that was nasty. and taj doesnt have slater or parko’s regular habit of mind-blowing. or fanning’s combo of speed and machine-like turns — come to think of it, though, i cant think of anything mind-blowing coming out of fanning, either, off-hand. hmmm …. perhaps it’s his blond hair and blue eyes that got him a title.
Best post of the day on Parko.
It reads like personal experience….. mine.
Too funny.
Only one thought left for me…. This contest ended last year and you finally finished the rankings. How many contests left? You’ve dug a deep hole Mr Samuels and your ego is digging it deeper.
Barca=WQS not WCT
There is a game that I used to play when I was still but a school boy at Eaton It’s called: One of these things is not like the other one.I was reminded of that game while looking over this list of power rankings. Joel, Taj, Mick, Bobby and…wait a minute now, who’s this? Adriano?
I would really like to see a Brazillian win a world title just to throw it in the faces of people from more developed countries. I would also like to see Adriano win to throw it in the faces of all the racist Australian lads who like to throw around words like “golliwog” (not sure if anyone caught that in the podcast, but it was there, while Adriano was surfing, no less). But none of that changes the fact that Adriano surfs like an exceptionally talented small child with a fine motor skill disorder. If he and Jeremy Flores had a love child, it would be a four foot tall contest machine who would win every heat with flick turns and outlandish claims.
and I misspelled “Brazilian”. Shows you how much a British public school education is worth.
lewis, you prove time and again that your memory has been colonized by pop culture. you didn’t have to dig deep for tonya and nancy, but still, tonya = taj is a good one. wah! my shoelaces!
it’d be great if scott hamilton announced for surf contests. he’d bring a level of genteel fruitiness to the world of surf commentary. occy and scott hamilton in the booth. yes?
ted, isn’t it Eton?
What? I’m the number one surfer in the world. I’m hip. I’m cool. I am an artist and in a band. And I ride retro logs.
Spot-on as usual. Great insight. thanks
Correction: Taj has 7 wins in 12 years. The ASP just gave Kelly the trophy & check at Trestles. (Anyone who disputes this: go watch the video of the SCORING waves. Slater’s two scoring rides are not even close. Unfortunately, the judges appear to have decided the winner based on who had the better session.)
@A. Knowst:
#1 in the world? you’re gonna have to prove it to us, boy man. when is that ‘best surfer on stilts’ surf off between you and Jihad scheduled to take place?
This post by Blasphemy Rottmouth yesterday may be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. I actually shot coke out of my nose and onto the computer screen, not to mention shat my britches, upon first reading it.
I think it deserves to be reset. As you will recall, I was bemoaning my unreciprocated love for the Progressive Insurance girl. I made it clear that my intentions were to camp out on her lawn to win her over. Thankfully Blasphemy advised a more sensible approach…
Blasphemy Rottmouth says:
May 28, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Ballz,
I would start by rummaging through her trash when she’s not home. Used panties rarely turn up, but I’ve… errr, ‘studies’ have shown that many useful items such as combs, used Q-tips, and toenail clippings are successfully found around 80% of the time.
When in dire straights, waiting for the correct moment to spring from your windowless Econovan in an effort to share the bald-headed butler beneath your trench coat can be a tedious task. Nevertheless, a task well worth the wait, when you see the look of unsquelched horror on her face.
Good luck my friend.
I had nothing better to do, so I made a side-by-side comparison of Lewis’ Power Rankings vs. Surfline’s:
Stark differences. Prefer Lewis’ except for Kelly’s and Bobby’s rankings.
@kev,
I actually don’t know. I’ll take your word for it though. you in gotham? Look, the sun came out!
I am a fan of Bobby’s surfing. To support Bobby, I will not buy any more clothing.
Just one question, Lewis, how old were you when your grandparents called while tripping?
OOoops, guess Ted never attended Eton… They at least teach you to spell the school name correctly. Besides, it isn’t a public school, since it charges a pretty hefty tuition.
Never fails, even in the early throws…. this game of telephone quickly escapes it’s foundational premise, the rankings. Who knows where it will go.
Lewis Samuels, reduce your rankings to quarterly assesments, that gives you time to be genius and all you have to do is add nuance to that genius as inspirations unfold.
Don’t know how you do this and still maintain any other life…. time for advertising.
hey ted, yeah, gotham indeed. upper east side baby! i’m the founding member of the upper east crew–we surf the standing waves underneath the queensboro bridge.
Adriano is coming…
I agree he´s style is not great, but his timing is absurd.
His turns and barrel rides are improving at each contest.
Heitor is ripping too, but his results are shitty so far.
Great job Lewis!
ha! Standing waves and baby strollers — i love the upper east side. Also, to refute what someone said earlier, Eton is a british public school, which is to say, American private school. Sound confusing? it is. Bloody Poms don’t habla the ingles as well as we do.
That’s a fair top-5. Despite Parko’s wins, it’s wide open.
Damn, epic again L.S.
good work as always…I looked at surfline for the vids but you for the editorial. Funny and brutal. Good work.
@ted,
If it happened in ANY OTHER sport, the sod that said it would be shit-canned, tossed out on their ear. never to work in the business again! who ever uttered the term golliwogg while Adriano was out ripping the comp should be out of the business of announcing any surf contest even again.
We need names here, Ted.
BTW, Adriano, being the man that he is will rise above.
Flavor Flav.
The New and Improved Power Rankings on Surfline are pitiful. Lewis, when are your rankings going to be picked up by another mag/website?? Surfline must be waving the white flag?
Patagonia ruined Dan’s career.
@The Boss:
I must concur with Mike. Your Joel Parkinson narrative was awesome!
Looking forward to some meaty posts, now that the power rankings are done.
Why thank you, Ballz. Glad to be of service.
Just think of me as the Dr. Phil of this site. Except smart. Maybe I’ll even get my own show, cut the pretense, and call myself Dr. Shill.
And because everyone here knows I have Tourettes…
Balls!
In light of the fact that Dr. Sha is already taken, Dr Shill could work.
Funny, I was not aware that this Dr Sha duck was so in to James Brown!
Google, Dr Sha. Soul Transplant.
And like everyone these days, (other than Billabong of course), he’s got some sort of 2 for 1/discount special.
Act now. Limited time offer. While supplies last!
QUACK!
nice to see it back to the “Power Rankings” instead of the as-of-late “Power Wankings”
doing drugs, i.e., shrooms is not cool and nothing to joke about.
yea todd,
drugs are lame!
much luv and aloha from heaven,
jason
@todd
@jason
fuck you todd!!! drugs rule.
go back to eastside jason!!!!
@todd
@jason
@ronnie
@all dead people
you guys know you aren’t supposed to support this communist bullshit website! go die!!!!
In real life, Taj is the clingy girlfriend (recall his sissy meltdown after seeing pics of his lovely in the arms of some rich Seppo douche a while back). This will play out on tour as well. Fanning wins the title - you heard it here first.
Lewis, thanks for the entertainment.
i didn’t quite get the part about Parko & shrooms.
how about making a video interview with GT ?
Taj is clingy. With his Burro.
Which will come in handy in Brazil.
As to Greg Tomlinson, aka GT. Working the Billybonged Big Wave awards ceremony in that funny suit, didn’t he look like an aging Merv Griffin or Mike Douglas?
surfline is so gay, please post some shit ripping their lame will kelly compete article…
nice to see I am not the only one driven mad by Taj’s overscored ankle flicks.
What is up with the ASP press photos of Joel and Taj? Shoots, even the girl’s photos have been upgraded to make the women look half attractive… to lesbians and dirty old men.
Anyway, the snaps of Taj and Joel in those plain white tees look like they’ve been issued standard ASP prison garb.
There’s no logos there! Isn’t this a violation of their clothing contracts?
Jordy makes the semi’s in Brazil then wins J-Bay. Then it is ON at Trestles.
I saw the Body Ventura ripping down at Baja Malibu last week. He loves drugs just like Parko. I hope Parko and the Body are the next AI/Slater rivalry but with kind of more hair and less hard drugs.
Funny write up on Parko. I can relate to the shroomed out response to the call from the oldies mate.
Hey Lewis why do you suppose Nathan Hedge hasn’t requalified yet? We here at North Narra wanna see our boy back on the CT. Hog is a proud Aussie and we would gladly give back Ben Dunn to see Hog back in the big leauges.
Cheers from a very wet Oz.
I can answer that for Lewis. I think it’s because Hog is past his prime and surfs like a little girl. Nah, kidding. He doesn’t even surf as well as that little Enever girl these days. Either that or he just doesn’t want back on the tour.
In all seriousness, is Hedge really even trying to get back on tour? He doesn’t seem to be hitting the QS’s very hard. If Davo can get back on, you’d think the Hog could as well.
Jordy piles on the bobotie, boerewors, melktert, and slim jims,… sorry biltong, and really “blows up”, busting thru his signature O’Neill boardies.
Forced to move up a size in quiver size, loses out to any and every Brazilian god he pulls in a heat, bru.
mmmm, little enever girl. she’s on our list.
Congratulations Lewis, this thing is taking off….
YOu’ll have 200 posts by midnight.
classic stuff. saved the best for last. Lewis with some personal narrative.
Mate I can’t even begin to tell you the shit Davo has pulled around Narra.
As far as surfing goes he has moments of fucking genius but then he can’t seem to close the deal. However you can’t argue the big names he has taken down over the years.
It’s funny Stu I was wondering the same thing about Nathan’s level of commitment on the wqs. He came close 2 years ago but maybe he figures that as long as someone else is paying for the free ride he will keep chasing the rainbow with or without 100% devotion.
Lewis I really enjoy your blog mate. I could do without all the Rotten mouth stuff or that one guy’s political ravings but I appreciate your humor and insight on the tour.
Keep it up mate!
Show some Titty !
Whatever he hits………he destroys!!!
I remember that phone call! I figured little Joel had just snuck down behind the pie shop and had a V.B. or two with Mick and that little Abo friend of his, I can’t remember the name , oh wait it’s Dingo. Yeah that’s right. Dingo. I bet the Abo was the one that gave him the shrooms.
Oh well grommets will be grommets! Go the title Joel!!!
WE ARE COMING FOR YOU ALL! EACH AND EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU BASTARDS. YOU’D BE SURPRISED WHAT KIND OF INFORMATION LEWIS SAMUELS WILL GIVE UP WHEN ONE OF HIS TESTICLES IS SHOVED DOWN HIS THROAT. YOU’D ALSO BE SURPRISED HOW EASILY YOU CAN BE LOCATED WITH A SIMPLE EMAIL ADDRESS. SWEET DREAMS.
LAL shoved their stones down the nuggets throat. Will the chosen one make it to the dance?
I think reggie miller would make a great asp commentator.
Yes, Hong Hong Fui Da Hui. with just one surfer from Hawaii managing to make it out of the Billibong Tahiti contests round two, and that one pro not even on the circuit, I’d be upset too.
Now back to your ice pipe, brah.
And you thought your were so smart Da Pui.
Boy am I glad I’ve been using SmyrnaJeff’s wife’s email address everytime I log in.
And I was so smart my fingers allowed the possessive your, instead of collective you’re.
Back to the bottle for me…
Smyrna’s wife is so generous…. And when Mark’s away….errr, Jeff, she is always hospitable. So friendly and open…
You are home early tonight Lewis, single guy, big city and Dr Jeckyll becomes Blasphemy Rottmouth by 9:30???? But I notice the posts are brief. Cheers, mate.
@ DA HUI
SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and I’m talking about my portly, lengthy, curvy, vericose, purple kevlar-helmeted cock) in contrast to that ice pipe.
Aloha, dummy……….
@Mike:
… You would think it would behoove me to type all my comments in Word before publishing here.
Alas, you’d be wrong. I usually tap out a response; read said response, along with others that have been recently added; then giggle like a school girl watching Aranburu swap knickers without a towel - before hastily typing my fetid, alcohol-drenched, stream of consciousness.
Tonight I’ve been flying solo… like LeBron taking every shot last night. Some will hit and some will miss. In the end, I’ll always take you to the hole with my unstoppable penetration.
Lakers baby.
Re: the whole ‘I’m a pro surfer’s ghost,’ posting insipid comments here can easily explained; their collective asshole, feeling neglected, blows out a forlorn note as a sputtering desperate mating call.
To Perez Hilton’s 4″ dong.
Hint:
Perez ain’t answering unless your last name is Pattachia.
Pattachia = The aboriginal word for Patacchia
Which means: fruit of an unborn seahorse’s descending colon loom.
LOL. Where the fuck do you come up with this shit?
It’s quite easy Occy’s Mum. I hold my ear up to the conch between your legs, and repeat whatever current the wind blows.
Figured it was from some place like that.
sittin in the channel “hey watch them play up the scores in the final”
taj drops an 8(all in)first wave.bobby laughs with pocket Aces,”shouldn’t of over scored tajs first wave cause now i’m putting him in combo land for the rest of the heat.judges fault or tajs quick start?
either way bobby made a quick call with his pocket aces.
nice evaluation,don’t agree all the time but i applaud your own thoughts.more than i can say for the people that comment in “like the wind always changing”
Wonderful to read!
Between me and my husband we’ve owned more MP3 players over the years than I can count, including Sansas, iRivers, iPods (classic & touch), the Ibiza Rhapsody, etc. But, the last few years I’ve settled down to one line of players. Why? Because I was happy to discover how well-designed and fun to use the underappreciated (and widely mocked) Zunes are.