Magical Realism with Ben Button

Posted by lewis on June 1, 2009 at 9:45 am.

Drew was doing tow-ats in 2' rights.

Australia is a big, lucky country.  25,670 kms of coastline, chock full of bays, points, pubs, and pro surfers that I've disparaged.  There are some places in the surfworld that it may prove unwise for me to visit - Brazil, Basque Country, the North Shore... places where I've stirred the pot enough to expect to deal with consequences.

In all honesty, I did not think Australia was one of those places.  Usually, Aussies are more likely to "get" my sense of humor.  They've been raised with piss-taking, and most Aussies aren't egotistical, sensitive divas who suffer from insecurity issues.

So when I scheduled an Australian stopover last week, I figured, "no worries, mate."  As mentioned, it's a big fucking country, and I didn't plan on visiting the Gold Coast or Maroubra or other areas where Aussies-who-hate-me happen to live.  Then Jed Smith published his little Stab piece, in which ASP Top 45er Drew Courtney was interviewed concerning my writings.

"I’d love to meet him face to face. It wouldn’t go real good." Drew told Stab.

Flash-forward to the present.  I'm standing in a parking lot in rural New South Wales, off the beaten track, looking for a little solitude, hours away from any city.  I've barely seen any other surfers.  So it struck me as a bit strange when Drew "Benjamin Button" Courtney pulled up and parked next to me.

PWC enhanced Ben Button blast...

What are the fuckin' odds?  Of course, I was compelled to introduce myself to Mr. Courtney.  If nothing else, the result would be post-worthy.  Naturally, the conversation was a wee-bit awkward, as I'm sure both of us felt the coincidence to be a bit too unlikely to chalk up to chance.  There was part of me that wondered if Ben Button was stalking me, so I can only assume that Ben Button, faced with the unfathomable improbability of encountering "that seppo" in the middle of nowhere, must have assumed I was stalking him.

the above blast set up this kneeler.

No punches were thrown.  I gave Drew my usual spiel about why I write what I write, and he mostly just stood there and nodded pleasantly.  "Well, nice to meet you, anyway," Mr. Courtney finished with.  He was true to his word, I'll give him that: I met him face to face, and It didn't go real good.  Ben Button didn't say or do one goddamn thing that was interesting enough to post about.

Damn you, Drew Courtney!  Well played sir.  Well played.

Scene of my high-noon showdown with Ben Button. Take that, Dane Reynolds! local talent


  • Hog Flu says:

    G’Day Lewis!! Welcome to Oz mate!

    If ya get down here to Narra look me up. I am easy to find. Either be out surfing the left, car park rights, Dee Why or I’ll be swilling piss over at the Antler.

    Go the Roosters!!!

  • josh says:

    Fucking small-wave tow wankers. Why do all the pro-ho’s love that gay-ass shit?

  • Hawaiians, Brazillians and Basque's says:

    Are you calling US egotistical, sensitive diva’s who suffer from insecurity issues?

  • ryan says:

    that’s hilarious!!

  • I always find people who talk shit can rarely back it up.

  • Mike says:

    Lewie, what was he going to do? Really? If you’d had the same situation with an Aussie Rules player, then you’d have a worry….

    The pro’s are entirely protected by the advertising imperative, any criticism is so fresh that they don’t know how to proceed. Coddled by an image in the making, their real life success or failure is their first genuine expression and maybe that’s what they fear.

    Australia is insane, have a great trip.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    How’s that for Karma?

  • Cameron says:

    that’s pretty fucking retarded that you’d have to worry about going anywhere in fear of consequences… is surfing or the surfing world really that barbaric?

  • chris cote says:

    He’d be a lot cooler if he slapped you. But in the end, he’s actually a really nice guy which is good for the world, but not for interesting posts.

  • PCH Septic Tank says:

    F#$K. Quantas gives away tickets to OZ and every blogging teabagger from La Jolla to Bolinas packs up their CI’s and heads over there. Can’t wait for PCH to start raining blundstones and didjies. At least it will be refreshing to hear dudes call other dudes cunts in a California accent. Make sure you take Button’s car to Blackrock.

  • Gary Leonardi says:


  • MrBiscuits says:

    You should have taken a group picture!

  • anonymous says:

    Lewis, check the Fantasy site’s Rip Curl Sky Box Winner feature for a glimpse at a lean mean fighting machine.

  • Brazilian says:

    Hey Sam,

    You`re more than welcome! If you get close to Brazil just stop by and try our amazing crappy windy beach breaks!

  • trauzersnake says:


  • Lance says:

    HAHAHA I can only imagine how awkward that must have felt. But let’s be honest if these guys are really that sensitive about criticism then they are just a bunch of pussy’s and should be punched in the throats. Get over yourselves people and have fun and laugh if someone makes a joke…don’t get violent and say you’re going to do shit because of what someone said.

    Keep up the good work Lewis and have in Australia

  • Lance says:

    Sorry that was supposed to say “have fun in Australia”

  • @Gary Leonardi

    Go to some fucking petting zoo site if you want to chat about parrots. In fact, go fuck your monkey and spread aids to other faggots like yourself.

    Stay the fuck off Post Surf brah. It’s for surfing. For surfers not no pet fuckers brah!

    This is our turf. Stupid barney!

  • dr says:

    Mike you’ve been pretty off the mark lately. If you really think Drew Courtney is actively cultivating some kind of image, you are only kidding yourself.

  • dr says:

    I ‘get’ you makooka. You had me at @Gary Leonardi.

  • Myles says:

    The lesson… everything comes around in a small world.

  • Mike says:


    Drew Courtney exists in his own personal vacuum, I agree. I was channeling JOB, more likely and the rest of that ilk. Corporate tall wheat, so to speak. Thanks for the splash of cold water…

    Too bad you’re posting annonymously or I’d have to…. who the fuck cares anyway. This is fuckery, isn’t it?

  • Mario Van Peebles Jr. says:


    You should have asked Drew Courtney how much he got paid when he starred in ‘Benjammin’s Stuff In Butt Hole.’

  • Stu Smith says:

    Now using my last name… I wish Drew would have punched Lewis twice. Once for the blog and a second time for giving Mr. Mailman the COTW. We need Mark to win it more often if he’s going to stick around.

  • Eminem"s gay lover in the closet. says:

    Damn. At least he could have faked it like I did when I totally let Bruno put his ball sack on my chin last nite.

    (spoken in my baddest of bad, bad ass pink rapper trying to sound Black voice)…

    Freaking wanker!

  • Mike says:

    Smith…. well, that does narrow it down to just a few dozen pages in the Riverside phone book.

    Anyone else doubt that Lewis would “run into” Drew on a small day “Somewhere North of Sydney”? (The next Search contest site) There’s coicidence and then there’s coincidence. And on a stopover? Needle in a haystack, as they say.

  • Mark Jones says:

    Hey Lewis you should look up a friend of mine when you are down under. His name is Hog Flu and he surfs North Narrabeen. G’Day.

  • Lebron James says:

    Hey, that white ass surfer boy is a puss.

    Look at me. I didn’t even shake hands with the guys who kicked MY ass in the series!

  • Chopper Reid says:

    Oye, Drew,

    Harden the fuck up.

    Bloody wanker.

  • matt says:

    You stalking motherfucker!

  • Ryan Rich says:

    Killer post, someone was very bright to take advantage of the insane oz rates right now. Your loving it.

  • Gabriel García Márquez says:

    The title to this post is misleading…get off my steez bitch…and tell Mario Vargas Llosa to fuck off while you’re at it.

  • fella says:

    one of your close sources that knew you were going to Oz must have somehow known someone who knows “bennybutton” in order for you to have seen him. Oz is way too big with too many spots to have remarkebly come across him. Funny though.

  • Bob Dobb says:

    That has to be the most gay photo of a pro ho ever. Is he auditioning for the Bruno sequel?

    Effectively shaming old Drew Ben Buttons with the pen and photos. Amazingly, thru his OWN actions and words.

    Yo ho Drew. Foot, meet mouth.

  • Bob Dobb says:

    Any one care to wager that Drew Benn Button is wearing a leopard print dick tog under his wettie?

    Centrebet has it at even odds.

  • MuckFark Marquardt says:

    I too shall only use my full name from now on…. But seriously, can you imagine watching a 2 foot tow-at (that’s pronounced twat for those of you not in the know) session with Drew “I wanna be a butcher when I grow up” Courtney??? That would be about as fun as reading Bob Dobb’s penny stock rants while listing to a WQS webcast. No offense to king Mailman

  • Grom says:

    why do you write what you write Lewis?

  • Grom's Dad says:

    Son, Lewie writes what he writes for the same reason I fucked your mom without a condom out of angst and rage some ten-odd years ago: it feels good when it comes out. Actually, you’re just an unfortunate byproduct of that feeling and the fact that your mom is a dumb jesus-loving cunt who wouldn’t interrupt the third trimester when she finally figured out she wasn’t menstruating for half a year.

  • Cadaver says:

    I’m thinking the dewey-eyed mouth-to-sphincter resuscitation you performed on Jamie O’Brien might have won over a few hearts and eased the prospects of a beatdown on the North Shore, anyway.

  • JD says:

    Yeah come to Narra & I’ll piss in ya face !
    kick ya fins out and send ya to deewhy

    Roosters ?? fuckin Hog flu kook !

    Go NN sharks !!!

  • Dave says:

    Yep, I have met the guy once too. He stood there and noded a lot and listened to me just like you described. He invited me for a few beers later. I dont feel comfortable around pro surfer either because I am a kook too. But he wouldnt give a fuck if you were.

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