Did Parko steal the Lindbergh baby?

Posted by lewis on June 10, 2009 at 9:12 am.

Back to ASP concerns:

An insightful Joel Parkinson interview is up on Surfline.

It includes one bombshell revelation:

When asked about family, Parko announces "I even had a dream that I had Barca's baby."

Bitch said WHAT now?

Parko.  Photo: Sean Rowland

Parko. Photo: Sean Rowland

Naturally, I re-read that wonderful sentence a few times before moving on to the next sentence.  At first, I thought this was another example in the growing trend of same-sex parenting which seems to be sweeping the ranks of Hawaiian professional surfers.  (Refer back to the press release in which Bruce Irons “discusses his store, life after tour, and his new baby with longtime friend and former competitor Fred ‘FreddyP’ Patacchia.”)

However, a close reading of both texts suggests that neither power couple are literally having babies together.  So I entertained the possibility that Parko was speaking metaphorically when he told Surfline "I even had a dream that I had Barca's baby."

Better keep a good grip on that baby... Photo: Sean Rowland.

Better keep a good grip on that baby... Photo: Sean Rowland.

Word on the street is that Barca is feared by many ASP insiders due to his, well, um, fearsome fighting skills.  For instance, Barca and Adriano de Souza reportedly got into it in Tahiti.  A witness, who chose to remain anonymous out of fear of WolfPak retribution, reported to PostSurf that a tense verbal standoff between the two Top 45 surfers turned physical when Barca kicked Adriano in the shin.

I kid you not.  I can only hope that Adriano responded by saying "Ow!! That really hurt! Honestly, who throws a shoe?"

Taking this altercation into account, a Freudian analysis of Parko's dream suggests that having Dustin Barca's baby is symbolic of Parko's deep-seated insecurity in the face of Barca's dominant alpha male fighting skills.  Parko is so emasculated by his inability to physically challenge Barca that he dreams of literally being Barca's female mate and subsequently birthing Dustin Barca's child.

That was my second interpretation.

However, upon an even closer read, I reconsidered my analysis.  Parko goes on to say "(Barca) was out in a heat with his girl and I had his baby on the shore, like a babysitter or some shit and I was loving it!"

So... perhaps Parko is just trying to tell Surfline how much he misses his own children.  Caring for Barca's baby, who was assumedly present in Tahiti, offers an outlet for Parko's fathering instincts.

Conclusion? Hide yer babies when Joel Parkinson is around.  He's liable to steal them, babysit them, and love it.

68 Comments

  • Heavy Local from Turkey says:

    too funny!
    love it…
    Much better than bagging on poor old adam virs…
    Who rips by the way.
    cheers

  • Tube says:

    Barca will be gone next year. Jihad has a better chance than him.

  • Growler says:

    Virs is so fat….. oh forget it.

  • Sloops says:

    I’d fuck Virs if I could surf like him…

  • Occy's Mum says:

    “Parko is so emasculated by his inability to physically challenge Barca that he dreams of literally being Barca’s female mate and subsequently birthing Dustin Barca’s child.”

    Some hilarious shit man.

    P.S. Sloops, thanks for giving me an upset stomach dude.

  • josh says:

    Lewis you never fail to leave me crying tears of maniacal laughter. Classic.

  • Erik says:

    Time: Summer, 2008.
    Event: AYSO Saturday community soccer
    Location: Undisclosed (mindful of WolfPak retribution for those involved)

    Dustin Barca, angry that the youth in front of him had purchased the Snack Shack’s last Capri Sun (it also happened to be his favorite flavor, Tropical Morning), flew into a maniacal rage.

    The offending youth cowered in fear, then ran. Barca, known for his fearsome fighting skills, chased the fleeing youth toward the backstop in the corner of the athletic field. Thanks his soccer cleats, the youth was able to out maneuver Dustin, making erratic and evasive darting movements. This would not be the last time his soccer equipment proved advantageous.

    The youth’s luck ran out as he reached the chain link trap behind home plate. Barca, panting and scowling, walked menacingly toward the youth.

    “Why don’t you just leave me alone?”, the kid whined.
    “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?”
    (Observers would note later that the two were, actually, the same size owing to Dustin’s diminutive stature.)

    As the rest of the youth’s Under 10 yrs. soccer team, The Blue Angels, ran closer, Dustin moved in to administer his justice.

    Barca wound up. The advancing Blue Angels gasped. The innocent youth screamed.

    A muted thud.

    The youth recognized contact, but felt no pain. Puzzled, relieved, and yet still frightened, he peeked first out of one eye, then with both.

    He and his team mates shared a moment of relief, realization and rejuvenation. Barca couldn’t hurt them!

    Dustin took a little longer to figure it out. With the Blue Angels now flying and yelling in unison toward the impotent former aggressor, the obvious fact finally penetrated his pot and poi muddled morass. His best and only tactical move, the shin kick, was useless.

    The Blue Angels swarmed- amazing the vigor and confidence that a pair of Big 5 Sporting Goods foamy shin guards inspire.

  • Shaun says:

    Touche….classic post!

  • Pobby Brown says:

    Parko, aka The Baby Hog!

  • JimG says:

    @ Lewis:

    I’d like to read an investigative article on the oft-mentioned WolfPak & DaHui. Particularly, I’d like to know exactly how all members of said groups earn a living. Let me start: Northshore has 2 establishments where a person could support himself off tips so that could potentially employ a couple of them. A couple more could drive to town. Very few other jobs on the NS could pay enough to cover rent, car, food, Budweiser (although now than can likely get it via Freddy). Hmmm, trust funds? most of these guys seem to hang out & surf and/or party all day. Rental properties since many could own properties on the NS bought when dirt cheap or through squatters rights.

    See what I mean - a very worthy topic.

  • Hugh G. Rection says:

    One does not refer back to something Lewis. The word “refer” means to go back, hence, to use is with the word back is incorrect.

  • JimG says:

    Sorry for the typos/grammar errors in previous post: I hurry my posts so as to still work.

    I forgot - Extortion Pro employs multiple members.

  • Hugh G. Rection says:

    it not is. Fuck off.

  • Barca's baby says:

    Joel’s breath smelled like penis.

  • Barca's baby says:

    Joel has bigger fingers than my daddy.

  • Barca's baby says:

    My dad doesn’t hate Brazo’s, he just hates not having any meth.

  • F. Murray Abrahambone says:

    I wonder if the baby in Parko’s dream is symbolic of the Tour Championship. Meaning, he’s close to it. He can hold it. He can even touch its soft butt cheeks. But, in the end, it’s still doesn’t belong to him. And Barca represents Slater. How, you ask? Well, Joel’s fear of conjuring the image of ‘the one who shan’t be named,’ so he subconsciously puts a harmless face upon his rival… one he need not fear as a title threat.

    Or, his dream really means what everyone on tour’s suspected all along; that Parko’s now, technically speaking, a child molester.

    Just like Johnny ‘Boy’ Gomes.

  • A.I.'s Dealer says:

    lol @ Erik’s story.

  • Stu says:

    Mr. Rection is incorrect. Nothing worse than grammar cops who don’t know what they’re talking about.

  • Booty Call says:

    KALA ALEXANDER IS A DUMB BITCH

  • Hugh G. Rection says:

    @Stu
    A doctor can refer a patient back to the doctor who referred the patient to him in the first place, asswhipe. Beyond that, it is very difficult to come up with a situation where “refer back” is appropriate. In any case, the way Lewis used it was improper.

    “Nothing worse than grammar cops who don’t know what they’re talking about” should read: There is nothing worse than a grammer cop who doesn’t know what he is talking about. At least you were kind enough to use the proper address; Mr. Rection!

  • M says:

    OHHHH Stu just got served!

  • Gerald Ford says:

    hahaha, nice reference in the title.

  • trauzersnake says:

    I’m glad i got to go to bali 10 years ago, before it recently became “surfing’s newest epicenter.” Guess that’s ruined too. Thx hurley/surfline.

  • trauzersnake says:

    @ Hugh G. Rection

    It actually appears that Stu was using that phrase in the plural form, where he probably meant you were one of many grammar cops he was referring to. So it’s probably okay.

  • trauzersnake says:

    @ Hugh G. Rection

    My cock is much larger than yours.

  • Mark says:

    Oh yeah . Besides bowling a documented 292 I also won an AYSO championship when I was 12.

  • Mike says:

    Erik, can’t wait to read what you come up with once school ends….You earned your “k”.

    Bammy,bowling and girls soccer…. and look how you turned out to be. God bless America.

    Trauzer and Hugh G should do the American tour for those Australian penis puppeteers…. shoot the tour like Spinal Tap reality and watch the freaks come out by the 3rd week, somewhere in Kansas. By St Louis the local sluts are tailgaiting before the show.

    What was this thread about?

  • Meatwad says:

    yeah Marks back!

  • Jamon Bagel says:

    yeah Mark’s back!!!

  • Magnum Q. Meatwhistle says:

    Who’s Mark?

  • trauzersnake says:

    I fondly remember phoning bowling alleys as a youth, and as the chap on the other end picked up I would ask “yeah, do you have 16 lb. balls?” “yeah, we got 16lb. balls,” they would often reply. “Isn’t it hard to walk?” i would ask, as snickering filled the room and the voice on the other end quickly became hostile before the big click….good times.

  • kurt says:

    is that derek ho behind the camera laughing at the current state of professional surfing?

  • Arnie says:

    I thought the articled was funny, until the last sentence.
    At that point I found it hysterical, great conclusion.

  • Stu says:

    I wonder if “Barca’s baby” is really just something Joel calls his shits?

    @ Mark - welcome back!

    @ Mr. Rection - while I’m usually not one to debate such things, your persistence intrigues me. Rather than debate it, I’ll simply point you to dictionary.com, where you’ll find the following half way down the “refer” page:

    It is sometimes believed that the phrase refer back is redundant, since the prefix re- means “back,” but the objection is misplaced. In fact, an expression can refer either to something that has already been mentioned or to something that is yet to be mentioned, and the distinction between refer back and refer ahead may thus be required for clarification….

    Understanding that dictionary.com may not be the final word in grammar, I’d also point you to any number of good grammar books out there. While there is debate on this topic, the fact that you didn’t acknowledge the same early on leads me to believe you’re a dope. The fact that you didn’t get that I was lumping you in with other boring grammar cops leads me to believe you’re no more educated than Mark and safely lumped into the boring grammar cop category.

  • Robert Dobbs says:

    Dusty in a dust up?

    The word Barca, is Spanish for pussy who’ll be off the tour in 6 months.

  • Robert Dobbs says:

    Barca is Spanish for,

    all barca. no bite.

    Dusty’s a one off, and run off the tour.

    On a second note, wasn’t there a song written for him that kiddies sing around Christmas time?

  • Robert Dobbs says:

    Actually, Barca in Spanish means a small boat or dinghy.

    In Dusty’s case, it’s more like a lot dingy.

  • Robert Dobbs says:

    In Dusty’s case,

    Conduce no bueno su barca

  • Mike says:

    @Roberto Dobbos…. su espanol es articulato y tiene mucho palabra’s que pintar senor Barca es un perro pequito como un abierto Pusseo.

    Just interpreting, not my opinion.

    @ Stu, are you that bored that laying out Mr Rection over semantics takes precedent over fuckery? Let Erik do the teaching,he’s permanentlty enrolled….

    Marks reunion party is planned for Friday night at Kua Aina burgers… please RSVP, we expect a massive crowd for the 23rd such function since February. Like make up sex with a pyscho chick, these “bro-downs” go off and the illustrious Chris Cote will reintroduce Mark Jones to his screaming fans!

  • Mike says:

    Mike @ 9:48 was not me, nice try Mark.

    I know how to spell papusa…

    Knock, Knock, ” Mrs. Samuels, can Blasphemy Rottomouth come out and play?”

    “I’m sorry dear, Lewis is indisposed and out of costume at the moment” Mrs Samuels responds.

  • RE: Wolf Pack etc.
    Yes, please do an article on how the wolfpak gets substantial KICKBACKS from major surf companies to allow their riders to catch waves and be photographed at pipe. Talk about the dudes sitting on long boards in the channel deciding who paddles to the break and who doesn’t. Expose this shit, don’t be a pussy

  • trauzersnake says:

    Is Timmy Curran gonna play Mark’s reunion party? I’ll tell you, I just suffered through 30 minutes of fuel TV at a friends because I can’t afford the deluxe cable package, and I learned 3 things:

    1.) Lewis really is on the money, in all respects
    2.) I’d rather have a pineapple shoved up my ass than watch/listen to Tim Curran play

    3.) Chris Cote has some real sack to actually give his real name on here.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Lol @ Hugh G. Rection typing ass’whipe.’

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    @ Hugh

    You must ‘whipe’ your ass with the King’s English in these threads or I will hack off your ears with the Ninja stars I ejaculate from my nipples… named Benedict and Horace, respectively.

    You pile of shit-eating maggots.

    I ought to smoke you like a polluted tuna and chop you up like shark liver… you wretched bugger of masculine women.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Awe c’mon Hugh… it’s all in good fun mate.

    You jelly-toed backwoods country fuck.

    Forgive me… for it is well documented that I am a victim of Tourette’s.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Actually, I can’t hate on Hugh.

    He begins to grow on you, despite having the grammar and punctuation of a dyslexic and retarded technical-writer for stereo receiver instructions.

    That’s right bitch. Bring your weak ass shit to poppa. You won’t catch ME slippingg.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    SonuvaBITCH!

  • yeah says:

    PLEASE WRITE ON THE WOLFPAK BITCHES.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    To answer what someone noted earlier, I would like to add that The WolfPack is what is referred to in the Shrink World as a group who has a moderate case of “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”. They thrive on attention. Unlike most of the cretins who offend our senses on a personal level, in reality, they’re not really a bunch of a cretins. They are intelligent enough to recognize themselves as an interpolated subject: i.e., those whose subjectivity is a creation of others. They have been “hailed” as inforcers at Pipe, and so they respond as that subject.

    What the WolfPack doesn’t understand is that their entire so-called “lifestyle” is completely unsustainable; and when the material conditions no longer permit them their ability to aggrandize their appearance and gratify their narcissism… they will be in a very, very bad way. As the economy and ecology degrade and the resource extraction process continues to collapse, they, and their kind - the poser gangsters - will necessarily be caught in a difficult place.

    Bereft of any intellectual capacity, and incapable of thinking their way out of the problem, they and their ilk will turn more and more to violence… as violence completes the partial mind. It will be up to the rest of us, who are the majority, to be vigilant citizens and prevent these dimwits from controlling the dominant cultural narratives.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    (Yes, I had started typing that diatribe before Yeah made his earnest request…)

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    The problem is that The WolfPack / Hui / BraBoys / HBTrannyCunnilingousCrew’s lifestyles, directly benefit the ruling elite in corporate surfing culture, who have built the capitalist machine into this planet ruining consumption device. For their plan to work, the world would have to have infinite and easy resources to burn, and also be an infinitely deep garbage dump. Obviously, the world is not such a thing. So, the Keynesian consumerist model of capitalism, and the narcissistic bobbleheads that are its grandchildren, are destined for the trashbin of history.

    On a personal level, the likes of JOB and Barca and even (dare I say) The Irons Brothers (!), are in for a very rude awakening. They will see their methods of gratification reduce as they find themselves increasingly threatened and impoverished, and utterly incapable of doing the simplest things for themselves.

    Does Barca know how to darn his own socks, build a fire, can vegetables, grow vegetables, plant a tree, or even know what KINDS of trees to plant for specific purposes (heat/shade/food/wood fabrication)? Can JOB even cook his own meals or bake anything? If one of the Iron’s Brothers had to rewire part of his house, could he do it? Can they fix a broken stair? Make glue? Fix a bicycle? These are just some of the simpler tasks that will be *required* knowledge as we slip down the backside of the petroleum curve.

    In conclusion: feeding the attention of the likes of The WolfPack don’t help mental midgets like Dustin, Brucie or Jamie. What would help them? Public service. Helping others. Every – fucking - day.

    Look, they aren’t COMPLETELY retarded. And they could do well in such a world. It would build something in them that is clearly less than familiar.

    It’s called depth of character.

    (Steps off the podium, belches, grabs his snifter of Jamison and heads for the exit…

    … see you all next week!)

  • Dave Mailman says:

    BR, you rule! Lewis, you’re not bad either! Mike, sorry, but I won’t be able to make it to Mark’s reunion party. Buy him a beer for me! I’ll owe you one!

  • Dingo says:

    If JOB is so dumb why is Twitter such a riot? Seems like a very intelligent young man…
    Or is it a PR job being done by Agent Smith?
    twitter.com/whoisjob

  • Hugh G. Rection says:

    @BR
    LOL. Slippingg was funny. You really got liquored up and went on a tear. How did you know I was a backwoods country fuck? And no I can’t spell, but you understand me none the less. I find people who can only spell a word one way are BORING and STUPID(ex. STU).

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ass%20whipe

    @Stu
    My point was, one should never speak in generalizations. And that your penis lacks length and girth.

    @Trauzer
    Your a fucking bad ass!

  • jb says:

    You guys who get off on creative words for what a bad guy Barca is, You don’t know that he has bought several young groms each year tickets to Cali for Nationals Championships. He is very giving to the less fortunate on Kauai, gifting them with goods. You truely don;t know the Hawaiian born Barca. I see there is a few hate mails regarding him. You guys get off on reading wrong information and then forming your own conclusions and sarcastic opinions.

  • Mario Van Peebles Jr. says:

    @jb,

    We appreciate your keen insight into the Hawaiian culture. You really opened our eyes to how bad things really are there. Those of us in the educated World weep for your future.

    Good luck fending off the Chinese!

  • yeah says:

    EXPOSE THE WOLFPAK.

  • dave t says:

    @Stu

    You cited dictionary.com. Specifically, a usage note appearing therein under the “refer” entry. You quoted the note as support for your position. The note, and by extension your having quoted it, actually undermines your position.

    The note, as fate had it, contained an example purporting to illustrate that “refer back” is not an irrational construction because it is possible to “refer ahead.”

    Leaving aside the fact that the usage note author erroneously posits “refer ahead” instead of “refer forward” as the reflexive of “refer back” (ahead : behind as forward : backward), the author presents the following sentence as proof that “to refer back” is not irrational provided to “refer forward” is a distinguishable concept.

    Jones promised that if he was elected to the council, Harris would be made the council president.

    The author’s rationale . . . that the pronoun “he,” as it appears in the sentence, can reasonably take either Jones or Harris as its antecedent. It is self-evident that his proposition is stupid if for no other reason than because rules of grammar already make clear that a pronoun’s antecedent is the last noun that agrees in person, number, and gender. Applying the rule here yields the following conclusion:

    If Jones was promising that if Harris got elected then Harris would be elected president, then, Jones has a 4th grade education at best.

    But the fact that his entire concept is completely irrelevant to the pertinent inquiry is only the first of the dictionary editor’s errors.

    Let me break this down. The original sentence consists of a subordinate clause followed by an independent clause. If a retard wrote it or a retard interpreted it, two possible constructions are inevitably suggested:

    1: If Jones gets elected, then Harris would be president.
    2: If Harris gets elected, then Harris would be president.

    Unsurprisingly, both conditions applied here, a retard wrote it and then interpreted it – only in this case, both conditions were vested in the same person, the web-editor.

    What is clear is that the main idea being expressed consists of a hypothetical situation followed by a consequence. In grammar, this is called a conditional sentence. A conditional sentence must contain a conditional [“if”] clause and a result [“then”] clause.

    Jones promised that if he was elected to the council, Harris would be made the council president.

    What the hell . . . no “then” in this conditional. To correct the sentence, it should look like this:

    Jones promised that if he was elected to the council, then Harris would be made the council president.

    The above fix results in a formal conditional sentence. It also happens that the conditional clause presents an improbable present condition, followed by an appropriate results clause that accounts for a changed condition. Such constructions are known as present unreal conditionals. Present unreal conditional sentences distinguish what would be true if its antecedent were true (as opposed to what is true if its condition is true). Naturally, then, the result clause in a present unreal conditional must contain one of the following auxiliaries: could, would, should, might. Here, the author actually gets this part right.

    But never fear. There are other considerations here that the retarded web-editor botches. In the case of present unreal conditionals where the dependent clause introduces the possibility of a changed condition, the writer must use the subjunctive, a verb mood, to signal possibility. In these situations, the construction should be referred to as a subjunctive conditional. Applying the subjunctive mood to the sentence at issue here results in the following alteration:

    Jones promised that if he were elected to the council, then Harris would be made the council president.

    Conclusion:

    The mere fact that the usage note author’s sentence features a pronoun with an intentionally ambiguous antecedent as proof that to “refer back” is not an irrational expression, proves only that he is a fucking retard. The sentence he so carefully crafted contains two unintentional grammatical errors: a failure to apply the proper verb mood and an incomplete conditional expression.

    Your evidence, Stu, isn’t persuasive.

    So the question is this: Other than the fact that the expression “refer back” is widely used by retards like the incompetent, web-editor, what makes you think that “refer back” is a proper usage given established conventions – of both reason and the English language?

  • how sick is that parko turn? can you come close to that lewis?

  • ZZZZZZZZZ says:

    lol @ Dave T posting the most boring comment on the internet.

    Seriously.

    Look it up on Ebay if you don’t believe me.

  • Flipper says:

    Referring back -hehehe - to dave zzzz’s post …. dude, writing is meant to communicate. Your writing is so utterly and pathetically boring that you failed to communicate. Free yourself and your students, god save them should you have any, of your pedantic jive and let more colorful thoughts flourish. Or maybe you’re a copy editor…anyways….

    To all: Fuck the System! Write, Write, Write! Write the bitches, your weak teachers, the Barcas and Bushes of the world away. Don’t let anyone tame your tongue or let their eloquent lashings stop you! So what if you end up writing like Adam Virs surfs, if you can punt and pull in, does it really matter to you and your bros if you flap like a spastic monkey?

    And damn, Parko! - if you ever read this crap, you got wicked style! You do not flap like a monkey.

  • barcafan says:

    To all of you haters out there, you don’t have the story right…… Adriano DeSouza was getting in Occys face down in Tahiti and cussing at him and being a disrespectful punk. Occy is someone that is so nice and mellow and is a surfing legend. Anyone that surfs would know that and would have respect for him. Which is exactly what Barca has, the most respect for his elders and surfing legends that have paved the way for so many of todays surfers. He was simply defending Occy, by kicking Adriano in his shin. Big freakin deal, its not like he knocked him out or did some fancy jiu jitsu move. He kicked him and called him a disrespectful punk, which is exactly what Adriano is!!! Ya, Barca should have minded his own business, but when it comes to his friends or family he can’t back down….and if any of you cowards wouldn’t do the same, I feel sorry for you!

  • barcafan says:

    The wolfpak is a bunch of friends from Hawaii that try to protect their love for the ocean, land, family and friends. They can be aggressive but its all to protect where they live and what they love to do everyday, SURF!

  • alex ridzi says:

    the hawaiians arepretty united. But when a FATALITY happen , down here, which can be easy avoided, so far, people wil cry, come on gents its just surf or MMA, why the hawaiians do not come to mess the things out of their facility for a bunch of grown mens doing over time in the world, we will kill soneone in brazil. and will be made by normas sport fan of course. like sniper shot a bullet in any hawaii foward. asshole

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