Back to ASP concerns:
It includes one bombshell revelation:
When asked about family, Parko announces "I even had a dream that I had Barca's baby."
Bitch said WHAT now?
Naturally, I re-read that wonderful sentence a few times before moving on to the next sentence. At first, I thought this was another example in the growing trend of same-sex parenting which seems to be sweeping the ranks of Hawaiian professional surfers. (Refer back to the press release in which Bruce Irons “discusses his store, life after tour, and his new baby with longtime friend and former competitor Fred ‘FreddyP’ Patacchia.”)
However, a close reading of both texts suggests that neither power couple are literally having babies together. So I entertained the possibility that Parko was speaking metaphorically when he told Surfline "I even had a dream that I had Barca's baby."
Word on the street is that Barca is feared by many ASP insiders due to his, well, um, fearsome fighting skills. For instance, Barca and Adriano de Souza reportedly got into it in Tahiti. A witness, who chose to remain anonymous out of fear of WolfPak retribution, reported to PostSurf that a tense verbal standoff between the two Top 45 surfers turned physical when Barca kicked Adriano in the shin.
I kid you not. I can only hope that Adriano responded by saying "Ow!! That really hurt! Honestly, who throws a shoe?"
Taking this altercation into account, a Freudian analysis of Parko's dream suggests that having Dustin Barca's baby is symbolic of Parko's deep-seated insecurity in the face of Barca's dominant alpha male fighting skills. Parko is so emasculated by his inability to physically challenge Barca that he dreams of literally being Barca's female mate and subsequently birthing Dustin Barca's child.
That was my second interpretation.
However, upon an even closer read, I reconsidered my analysis. Parko goes on to say "(Barca) was out in a heat with his girl and I had his baby on the shore, like a babysitter or some shit and I was loving it!"
So... perhaps Parko is just trying to tell Surfline how much he misses his own children. Caring for Barca's baby, who was assumedly present in Tahiti, offers an outlet for Parko's fathering instincts.
Conclusion? Hide yer babies when Joel Parkinson is around. He's liable to steal them, babysit them, and love it.