Some ignorant people have suggested that there is a homoerotic aspect to being a fan of the ASP world tour. This is of course an absolutely ridiculous notion. There's nothing homoerotic in the worship and rapt appreciation of shirtless men frolicking in the ocean as they battle man-on-man. So I'm going to re-focus on the ASP world tour, as requested by my readers.
Back when I was a grom, good ol' Surfer Mag used to run these "guess the surfer" contests. They'd print closely-cropped photos of, for example, pro surfers' noses, and then invite readers to identify their favorite pro.
I'm still on the road, and in addition, I am an incredibly unimaginative human.
So today's bit of PostSurf fuckery:
Match the photos below with your favorite custard-pudding-bastard of a pro surfer!
Each photo is a close-up shot of one of the following ASP World Champs: Kelly Slater, CJ Hobgood, and Mick Fanning.
Match all correctly, and win a jazzercize class with Greg "GT" Tomlinson AND a new pair of Von Zipper shades!!!
See which photo is of which surfer after the jump!
Notes: No cheating, please - take your guess before you click through. This contest runs on the honor system. Photo crops inspired by the work of Chris Cote.
Easy.
Photo 1 is C.J. Hobgood. You can tell that the skin belongs to an older dude cause it looks a bit like my crinkle meat. Also, it looks distinctly like some part of C.J. I’ll identify as his mangina. That Samuels would focus in on that part of Mr. Hobgood, whatever the hell it is, aligns rather nicely with my impression that the two share a special relationship . . . of some kind.
Photo 2 is Kelly. I’m convinced of that because the body part in the photo has a Mediteranean hue about it. Since Kelly is descended from a camel jockey, it makes perfect sense that his skin would look like a Greek olive with a sunburn - just like you see in photo #2.
Photo 3 is Mick. Mick is yellow. That photo was taken of someone who is also yellow.
I think I prefer the post about the cute little kittens (stupid Vanity Fair, Steph Gilmore should have been in there). This one’s about as creepy as the thought of taking a jazzercise class with GT!
One more thing… Lewis, you kind of ruined all the fun by giving out the answers in the same post. I would have loved to have heard the comments for the different guesses, and then imagine the suspense waiting for the answers in the next post! Almost as much anticipation as during a week of Power Ratings! Maybe next time… Hope you’re having a great time with the kangaroos! Say ‘hi’ to Occy’s Mum!
Have fun with the kangaroos?
Man, after he spoiled this exercise by being either lazy or inattentive, I hope Samuels gets ravaged by a pack of dingos this afternoon.
vaginas and buttholes…
Funny post dave t
I agree with the Mailman, you should have waited till tomorrow to reveal the answers. Then you could have revealed that it was gay porn and upset the faithful readers
When all else fails (as the last few entries have) - just put up pics from your trip, Lewis.
Lewis, when are you going to sack up and do a full expose on the WolfPak.
I donʻt know the guy but I like photo three - reminded me of before prison.
Lewis, I realize that you DO have some kind of strange fascination with the professional surfers. I know itʻs because you surf so well and you could easily be pro; stands to reason; your fixation. Funny, I thought photo A was your eyelid.
I serve time locally and I am bothered recently by the SF expose those gay hippie retro retards posted on SURFLINE last sunday night.
Any information as to their location would be great
Love - BVB
I am off today and totally surfed out from 4 days in a row of Town perfection. Instead of making the drive again I have decided to stay home and relax and catch up on things.
Going over some past Post Surf posts and subsequent comments there is one thing I notice that is consistent dating all the way back to the halcyon days of the pioneer period of February 2009 and continuing through yesterday’s grammar battle between Dave T. and Stu.
Stu gets into it with practically everyone. Have you always been this way Stu? Why are you so difficult to get along with? At first I thought it was just me and my political and religious views but upon further inspection it seems as if you are simply an instigator who thinks he knows everything. In fact the only commenter Stu has ever seemed to bond with is Mike and that is mostly because of their mutual contempt for my lack of education and, in their opinion, ignorant political and religious beliefs.
Stu I would like to challenge you to change your ways and try to see things from a different perspective than your own. I am sure you will probably use this opportunity to slander me and say that I should be ashamed for kooking out on the internet. That is fine . That is what we all expect from you.
If you cannot bring yourself to at least try this then I feel that you should do us all a favor and quit Post Surf.
I think I speak for all of the East Coast commenters when I say that Stu should quit Post Surf.
Peace out Stu, Mike Piazza!
I cheated and ruined it for myself….fuck
And to think, I didn’t even use yesterday’s Daisy opportunity to make a Mark/God/Jerk-off joke…
Can someone please publish a list of GOOD Jewish surfers??????? Would Lewis make the list? What number would he be?
Is Kelly Jewish?
Stu has gone after Mark for his political and religious beliefs, and educational level. (Mike too, but let’s talk Stu.)
To mock Mark’s right wing politics, puts Stu onto the left side of the spectrum. Liberal? Democrat? Etc.? Some moderate version of the left?
But on the left to be sure.
Equality. Empathy. Tolerance. Acceptance.
These are some Left’s ideals, right? Eliminating classes in society (or at least reducing their separation).
And yet Mark accurately points out, Stu has “contempt for [Mark's] lack of education.”
–Perhaps Mark had some disadvantages? Life intervened with his educational plans? Maybe he chose not to do further studies? Maybe he came from a family/community/class that didn’t stress or value education?
Shouldn’t he be evaluated (w)holistically?
All of these possible scenarios are acceptable, correct, Mr. Lefty? We are to have empathy for the conditions that may have influenced his outcome? We are not superior for having continued our schooling, right?
Hmmmm…
Empathy; a core left spectrum tenant. Look it up, or…here:
“the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.”
Compare that definition to what Mark requests of Stu, “Stu I would like to challenge you to change your ways and try to see things from a different perspective than your own.”
Are you getting it Stu (and Mike)? He asked you to be empathetic, something someone who mocks his politics should already be.
Mark is actually quiet forgiving, patient, and accepting of the malice sent his way from Stu (and Mike) and the rest of the sheep who seldom comment, but who when do, imitate the approach of some regulars.
Also, isn’t it INtolerant and UNaccepting to tolerate and accept all but Christians and/or conservative minded people? People free to think anyway they like?
Mark’s occasional reactionary rantings may fall short of the Christian ideal, but that is actually the beauty of his belief. He admits his fallibility to meet ideals, yet is forgiven.
Stu (and Mike) constantly fall short of their empathetic, accepting, and tolerant ideals every time the judge as social, educational, and ideological elitists. Very unliberal and un-Democratic.
lol @ In Defense just writing the most boring thing ever posted on the internet.
In Defense, thank you, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m sure that Stu and Mike would agree. However… I also agree with ZZZZZZZZ, it’s time to go to bed!
Ever notice how Mark is always trying to ban everyone? People, sandwiches, critics, uh, heretics? Stu, take it as the meatful badge of honor that it is, and keep bringing the mustard.
It warms my dough that Lewis channeled his 10-year-old self for this posting.
Can you surf industry insiders please help me out? I am convinced that Stu is an aging, some what irrelevant industry surf journo. The stale prose is recognizable, but not quite sure who… the negativity and self flagellation made me initially think Matt George, but now I am not so sure? Pezman? Hawk? Bass?
Thank you, I think, mr. In Defense.
What do you have to say NOW Stu?
I think In Defense is really Mike. I swear I can just FEEL it as I read the words.
P.S. My entire family is not only educated but most have masters degrees and are C.E.O.’s and Judges etc.
I am the only surf bum/salesman in the lot. And I am pretty damn happy. Especially after my double tube ride at the Ala Moana Bowl the other day.
Mark for crying out loud, please shut the fuck up.
Fucking weird Lewis.
Go back to Kona Lazer you fucking KOOK!
@ Lazer
Dude until you begin using your real name your words mean nothing.
I think like you better as Smyrna than as InDefense. What does God think of multiple personalities? I would think that has to be bad somehow.
Disturbing, like an ink-blot full of maniacal growling leprechauns. But, the commentary on this site isn’t the only thing freaking me out. Those photos are grotesque in that ‘I can’t advert my gaze’ way too.
Why, as a heterosexual man, do I suddenly have the urge to under-arm fuck Kelly Slater and Mick Fanning? And why do I find CJ’s clittoris so delectable?
On another note, it’s refreshing not to find the comments hijacked by quips about weiners. The comments were virtually unreadable over the last few days.
Or is that his labia? I can’t tell. Which is why my wife hates me.
Dave Mailman, time for a France update.
How would anyone ever guess? All the cropped photos are upside down.
You think like me better as Smyrna than In Defense? Do we have to call the grammar cops again?
@ In defense… or Mark
I don’t remember Stu clowning your lack of education, nor I. We do have difference’s ideologically. Talk about projecting insecurity… Although all the spelling and grammatic errors in Defense do paint the inference of a pedestrian education.
EVen a Jamon bagle senses the Christian ethic… ban those you don’t agree with. Ostrazation. Exclusion. Righteous indignation. That’s what Jesus would do.
Too bad Ballz, one anatomy class could have changed your life!
@ballz 7:14-7:19
You should find cj’s clitoris AND labia delectible (as shown in the photos)…In which case your wife would be stoked.
Also, dude, your name is ballz-come on, man
Thirdly, your wife would be thrilled by my massive,veiny, COCK.
@ballz
…just ask mark’s wife.
lazer @ 4:21 PM: Nice try, but commenting as me after 4:20 is a sure way to get caught as I’m rarely coherent at that time.
SmyrnaJeff: I am not from Kona, it’s too full of people whom I imagine you resemble: spoiled white shit-talkers. I’m in no sporting mood.
@ Lazer
I just spoke with Smyrna and he said he is sorry. I told him not to mess with Pahoa boys and although he didn’t get it he trusts my judgement.
P.S, I hope you enjoy the upcoming southeaster.
@Lazer
If it wan’t you at 4:21 then who was it?
Funny how someone calling himself In Defense rides into Post Surf on a white stallion and basically sends Stu and Mike packing back to the WQS like Yadin and Sunny at the World Cup last year and all they can do to retaliate is to claim me as the masked man.
Take your lickings like men not boys.
Here I sit, soft and soggy
Thought 1 was Steph and spanked it doggy
Sure that 2 must be Alana
…think I’m gonna blow,..I’m gonna…
Hit jump when I meant to click on 3
and now my sex life’s done
poor me
Van Dyke said it best.
“Latent not blatant, you stupid fucks”
@ Stu and Mike
Who knows? Maybe Lewis himself is In Defense. It is entirely possible that Mr. Samuels has decided to try and get sober after drinking like a sailor in Oz and his sponsor told him to retire Blashemy Rottmouth and get in touch with who he really is as a person. That would explain it.
P.S. Hey Lewis call me if you need to talk. One day at a time brother. One day at a time.
Mike is Jamon Bagel. Guaranteed.
@ mark
Jamon bagel is merely a sandwich. I hear Virs is looking for him.
Everything is fictional. Names are chosen just to add affect to the story, no endorsing going on whatsoever.
Surfers from all over the world competed in the first ever PerfectPro today. This APS tour stop is truly one of its kind. Situated in the heart of the Netherlands, this first man-made pointbreak delivered (obviously) perfect 6 to 8 feet peeling surf. Fans in the arena enjoyed a day of great competition, unforgettable maneuvers, live music and the crowning of a champion. We sat down with Klaas Peter, founder of PerfectSurf to ask him more about the SurfArena.
Surfers Magazine: Why the Netherlands? Why here?
PerfectSurf: Why not here? The Dutch have encountered far worse problems regarding water than “just” the recreation of J-bay wave in our backyard. We realized we had everything going for us. Sponsors were willing to finance, we had qualified technicians and specialists and even politicians endorsed the idea of a “Surf Arena”
etc etc. end story
When will this become reality? Or am I just kidding myself?
Greetings,
Tom
you may say I am a dreamer…but I’m not the only one.
too easy
Kelly is 1 because of the tan.
Mick is 3 because he is albino,
and that leaves CJ as 2.
2 easy!