Preemptive Strike: Necessary defense against Groms?

Posted by lewis on June 17, 2009 at 7:22 am.

How much longer can responsible, red-blooded American adult surfers afford to stand idle while Groms Attack?  Is a preemptive strike justified to defend ourselves from future attacks?

Surfline (a media outlet well known for giving readers "the honest reporting they deserve") has documented multiple cases When Groms Attack: Puerto Rico, Hawaii, San Clemente, Cabo, Fiji... why should we wait idle while groms prepare another attack, perhaps on our home beaches?

groms1

I believe the time has come to launch a War on Groms, characterized by the use of preemptive lethal force.

The Bush Doctrine worked for us before.  Why not employ it in this case? If our country has the right to depose foreign regimes that represent a potential or perceived threat to the security of the United States, even if that threat is not immediate, then why should we wait when it comes to a War on Groms?

As former-president Bush noted, "If we wait for threats to fully materialize, we will have waited too long -- our security will require all Americans to be forward-looking and resolute, to be ready for preemptive action when necessary to defend our liberty and to defend our lives."

Sure, cute little groms, bouncing around in the whitewater, may not represent an immediate threat to adult surfers.  But as soon as they grow strong and gain skill, those little fuckers will be taking set waves from us AND making us look bad by surfing better than us and having more fun.  Don't believe me?  Just try enduring all 28 mind-numbing slides (plus grom audio!) in one of Surfline's "When Groms Attack" articles.

If the experience doesn't make you feel violated and violent, I don't know what will.

groms2

I implore you to consider striking before these groms acquire the physical prowess necessary to become legitimate threats to the established lineup hierarchy.

Let's smoke 'em out of their holes and return to a time-honored system of preemptive strike grom abuse.

I ask you this:  When was the last time you abused a grom?  In the 70s, Grom Abuse was prevalent.  Cheeky little bastards were sorted out.

According to Matt Warshaw's Encyclopedia of Surfing, "The grommet experience is defined in large part by hazing rituals.  At Sydney's North Narrabeen, young surfers have for decades been ritualistically stripped nude and lashed securely to a a tall metal 'grommet pole' for public viewing and/or abuse.  A 2001 Surfer Magazine article noted that the developing grommet can expect to be 'punched, kicked, spit-on, Dutch-rubbed, pantsed, pink-bellied, head-shaved, tampon-nosed or otherwise humiliated by older surfers.'"

Sadly, times have changed.  When was the last time YOU stripped a neighborhood pre-teen naked, tied them to a pole as they whimpered, and then Dutch-Rubbed them?  That's what I thought.

Part of the problem is those sticky legal restrictions, now prevalent in our overly-litigious culture.

When President Bush suggested a preemptive strike against Iraq, some legal-beagles suggested that Article 2, Section 4 of the U.N. Charter bars the threat or use of force against any state in the absence of an acute and imminent actual threat.

Similarly, I fear that abducting local schoolchildren, stripping them naked, and tying them to a pole in order to violate them may be against some type of law... or something.

It is possible that this would be particularly true in the case of girl grommets - a problem we didn't used to have to deal with pre Blue Crush.  Again, I suspect that local authorities might not feel that it's "strictly legal" for a creepy, drug-addled, 40-something local deadbeat surfer to abscond with a pre-teen girl, rip off her clothing, and tie her to a pole at the local beach.

Just a hunch.

fucking grom.  photo Aj Neste

74 Comments

  • WhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

  • Hugh Jass says:

    Ummmmm . . . did the previous posts which alluded to NAMBLA make someone randy? Lewis? Yikes.

  • ted says:

    Do you propose that we singe out all groms, or just the first borns your Majesty? I think I’ve got some goats blood around here somewhere…

  • funny bone(r) says:

    how do you keep coming up with funny topics

  • el dedo sin uña says:

    Should sponsored groms be first on the list? We already know where they are at all times so they are easy pickins.

  • Hmmmm says:

    I agree Lewis and this is all industry fueled. Does the term “Youth against the Establishment” sound fimilar. That’s right. Volcom is responsible for this “attack”. If we start at the top it will be easier to take out the troops. I think ….lost could be a valuable alli on this one. Just think of all the washed up, alcohol saturated troops in there camp that would be more than willing to take out the egotisitcal assholes at Volcom. It’s time to declare war, or at least dub it something like “Operation Establishment Reestablishment”.

  • Pobby Brown says:

    Man, that was like a Dana Carvey era SNL skit.

    Coulda been done in 3 minutes but dragged on for another 8 so that Nora Dunn could get some camera time.

  • Well, we’re a whiney gang of arm flappers today.

    I’m so tired of that midget Ezekiel Lau kid getting all the set waves at Lowers! Holing up at Lowers all month, Fuck em, bomb them out of their trenches! Smoke them out of there, their holes, with a dirty bomb! It would be interesting to find out how many upended groms fit inside a Lowers porta-potty. Only thing is, we’d end up in cell block 9. Why should Nationals be held at Lowers anyway? There must be some kind of conspiracy. They’ll do fine up in HB…or post em up in Newps, brah.

    The worst are the kids from the east coast, sitting on the inside like they own the place, blocking my line while forming a union lockout similar to the one their uncles form at Jersey City construction sites.

    Check me out! We’re the friggin groms from North Jersey! We’ve got shitstained colored watah, we rule the Belmar barrels like the chocolato cannolis we mange up, so fuggetaboutit. Welcome to the turnpike, only thing is, we brought it to LA, and guess what my friend, you don’t get a turn…so sit back and watch perfection, while we launch an aerial clown flip assault on your antiquated asses.

    So it’s back to the reality of looking forward to my 45 min session in shitty LA beachbreak today, looking forward to scoring a couple chest high closeouts, while Barlam, Mini Dino, Courtney, and crew blow butt at lowers all day. lucky bastards.

  • Chris Cote says:

    Hard hitting surf journalism. You’re changing the game Lewis. Soooo impressed.

  • Leash Police says:

    The grom problem (and many other problems with modern surfing) can be solved by simple disarmament: take away their leashes. We can all carry knives Point Break style. Then, their attempts at Jordy’s “best air ever” will send them swimming and they can decide surfing is too hard and will stick to skateboarding or riding dirtbikes.

    Let the movement begin!

    P.S. A leash with a sinker on it is the stupidest thing I have ever seen.

  • Bil-O Bil-O says:

    I’m gonna start selling collectible sinker charms for leashes. There’s a huge market for those, don’t you think? Rasta sinkers, Sinkers with fish hooks, Paris hilton sinkers, Power rangers sinkers. wow.

  • Bil-O Bil-O says:

    Leash bobbers would be cool too

  • Bil-O Bil-O says:

    ZQK could really spark business with Leash Jibbits. Quik Groms in tootoos would make perfect endorsers for these.

  • Daize GOP Forever says:

    I am glad to see Lewis finally realizes that W was right.

  • yeah says:

    rich kids from california.

  • luchador says:

    groms definately don’t get hazed like they should any more. When I was a grom, the older kids / guys used to beat the shit out of us routinely and kick sand in our face etc… Not only that, but we got dropped in on all the time, now those little fucks invade lowers and use their superior numbers to over whelm everyone. Those motherfuckers need to get jobs and stop clogging every line up all summer long. Oh yeah, and no more home school, those little bastards should have to sit through normal school and miss waves with everyone else

  • Barton Lynch says:

    I like the idea. A LOT.

  • correction says:

    skilled rich kids from california.

  • Bil-O Bil-O says:

    I’m turning into an old grump, similar to somone I would have fleed from in awed disdain. Sucks getting old, don’t it?

  • Your Mom says:

    i vote for forced manua labor camps. maybe if they have to work for a couple hours every day they’ll stop bitchin about how the waves such on the QS

  • Bil-O Bil-O says:

    those primadonnas couldn’t hand hard labor, they’d blister up their pruney hands.

    fled

  • Fuck the kids…except for the ones who bring weed to the beach…

  • genitor says:

    make kids to infiltrate their lines

  • brother andino says:

    come on old grumps i will spray you and pop huge airs over your heads

  • highlighted hair says:

    did the old grumpy surfers of today who got the hazing turn out to be contributors to the betterment of society? I got beat and hazed and I feel pretty good about it. Obama would say “don’t focus on our differences but get in touch with our common goals”. In this case a clean wave to ride without a yard sale across the face in front of you. Is spanking even legal anymore? raise your hand if it was when you were a grom. I think it works in certain situations, the local DA might disagree though.

  • Hazing groms was never really an American practice. It was more of an Australian/British thing. I even remember reading about a boat trip that Tom Carol was on and he was the head hazer. I’d like to see a new “when groms attack feature” where the groms tar and feather the adults and then tie them up on the boat so that they can get sun burned while watching them get mad shacks. After the session, the groms should be encouraged by the journalist to chum the water before throwing said adults overboard. Put it on a rail. Aloha!

  • michael says:

    hahahahahah great stuff lewis

  • Ancient Jetties says:

    Lewis,

    Editor’s delight, hombre: The word is “THEIR” not “THERE”…

  • SmyrnaJeff says:

    Hey Lewis.

    I am stoked that you have finally come to your senses politically. Maybe now Mark will start commenting on a regular basis again.
    BTW I predict a Giesselman sweep at Nationals.

  • Dick Cheney says:

    Great post Lewis! Good to see that not all of our young Americans are drinking the Obama kool-aid.

  • God says:

    Not even I want to hear from Mark these days, either directly or through his 30 other handles.

  • JimG says:

    Lewis brings up a good point not just relating to groms but to a lack of knowing your place in the line up overall. Before I was good (yes I am considered a good surfer), I would NEVER have paddled out at name spots unless they were virtually empty. Once I got good, I would still defer to better surfers not because they might haze me, but because better surfers should get the best waves at the best spots.

    SO BOTTOM LINE: IF YOU ARE NOT GOOD (I.E. YOU ROUTINELY FALL (or cannot do) ON STEEP/LATE DROPS (like a dredging Newport drop), SNAPS, CUTBACKS, ETC.), DO NOT PADDLE OUT AT NAME SPOTS ANYWHERE & (since I know O.C.) THESE ORANGE COUNTY SPOTS EVER - Lowers, Salt Creek, the Point, 28th in winter, 44th, 56th, River Jetties (basically almost any spot in Newport since it is probably the worst place on earth to learn to surf other Teahupoo, Pipe, & similar waves), anywhere w/in 50 yards of HB pier. (I don’t know the Laguna Spots.)

  • Mark says:

    @God

    Can you please use your real name next time? Didn’t Lewis go over this 4 or 5 posts ago?

    P.S. Not that anyone really cares but I would like to set the record straight. I am NOT a Bush fan and I do NOT agree with the way we went into Iraq and I have no problem with gays but the shit Obama is getting ready to do to America should scare the living hell out of all of us. I am not joking and I am not prejudiced against African-Americans or anyone else for that matter. I am a white guy in Hawaii for crying out loud. I know what racism feels like from the other side.
    Government run Auto makers? Government run banks? Government run health care? Car Czars? Compensation Czars? Just the fact that they use the word Czar so much scares me. And why are they rushing into everything? Why did we pass that stimulas bill OVERNIGHT and then only spend 2or 3 percent of it in the first 100 days? Why do sweeping, monumental,massive health care reforms have to be rushed through congress by September? Why won’t they let there be more debates about it?
    I am sure people will comment that this isn’t a political website and for me to shut up but if this administration gets their way then ” groms gone wild” feautures on Surfline will be the LAST thing we will be worried about.
    The young people of America need to realize that THEIR FUTURE is at stake.

  • God says:

    ZZZZZZZZZ.

  • JimG says:

    There is no God. Generations ago people prayed to their dead relatives and other entities. Now, just as ridiculously, people pray to God b/c humans 2000 years ago apparently knew more than us.

    I do believe in Captain Crunch for I am the Frizzle Fry - Les Claypool, Primus.

  • Mark says:

    And why won’t Obama support Tort reform? That is a big reason for the huge health care costs. Doctors are terrified of getting sued so they order more tests than are really needed. But Obama chooses to protect his buddies in the legal community instead of getting to the real heart of the matter.

  • Bil-O Bil-O says:

    Hey, who stepped on a duck?

  • Mark says:

    @ God

    Is that you Lewis? How can you be God AND Blashemy Rottmouth at the same time?

  • jiggy jig says:

    Spot on Mark. Don’t forget firing inspector generals who catch your b-ball bro supporters for corruption and piss off your wife

    read it and weep. This guy is worse than Bush or Cheney could dream of being.

    http://michellemalkin.com/2009/06/12/obamas-americorps-scandal-and-the-first-ladys-meddling/

  • Bil-O Bil-O says:

    Isn’t the Dennis Miller Show on a different station?

  • God says:

    Mark, my son, BR knows more about Me than you ever will. While I appreciate you spreading my good Word, I do not trust you understand the same. BR, on the other hand, knows of which he speaks, even if his “speak” is lifted from another website.

  • Mark you hit the nail right on the head. Now drive over here from Kahuku and give me head and I will nail that ass so hard that fucking nigger Obama will be jealous.

    kisses,
    Makuka

  • Mark says:

    Thanks Jig. It is unbelievable that someone calls Kevin Johnson on his poor management of our money and the President FIRES him.

  • ReB says:

    Lew … it’s hard to find video of the final between Owen Wright and the Gudauskas brother at the last WQS event. it’s supposed to be real good, plenty of airs. can you use your connections to get video of it ?

  • Joe Torres says:

    Hey, uh, what’s ya name . . . Lewis . . . yeah, that’s right . . . Lewis. Ain’t we gettin’ kinda close to the, uh, whadayacallit contest? You know . . . da one in Sout America . . . uh Brazil I tink . . . yeah, that’s it . . . Brazil. Anyways, ain’t that contest only like 10 days away or summtin’? That’s what I taught . . . yeah . . . so . . . uh, anyways, I tink dats why mosta deez palookas is on ‘dis site, you know what I’m sayin’? Fuh da Powa Rankin’s and shit. So, uh, whudaya say? We gonna see some Powa Rankin’s here pretty soon, or is I gonna hafta send summa my boys up to dangle ya smart head ova da Golden Gate? You know what I’m sayin’? Ahrite den. Fuggedaboudit . . . I spect to see some funny ritin’ ‘roun here. Kuhpeesh? Kuhpeesh.

  • Ewwwwww! Did you see how dirty the bottoms of Brother’s feet are? No more footies with Brother!

  • Richbzztch says:

    Damn, Jason Andre surfs just like half turn Flavio Padaratz with new school above the lip technique. No wonder he’s crushing the W.Q.S. That wave looks super fun on a sub - 5′6″ surfboard. The new criteria for 2010 that Mailman was talikng up is a little off if that last Gud brother wave was a 10? That white water chickenman flip?

  • . . . ooopsy! I meant to type “footsies”; not “footies”. Tee hee!

  • Mike says:

    Well, there you have it, God hates Mark.

    With no heaven on the horizon, will a christian consider caring about the environment that allows him 8 consecutive days of deep tube riding? Or is it still “crash and burn”, who cares because the robes in Heaven are 1000 thread Egyptian Cotton and you bathe in Evian. I’ll just worship until God relents and allows me into that exclusive country club in the sky. Jesus was very proprietary.

    As for grommets, taking the Australian deviancy as standard, they should all be tormented to understand courtesy and ettiquette. Too bad the modern parent is so busy living through them as a best friend. There was a time when misbehaviour was handled internally and the “victims” learned a code that would limit future beatings.

    Density, absentee parenting and no enforcement breed chaos. Add lawyers and courts to the mix…

  • Mike says:

    @Dave the Mailman…

    Your insights yesterday were appreciated, by me. Although it’s more than fucked up that someone like you volunteers to promote crass corporatism pro bono. If someone with talent, DaveM, literally has to donate his time, what does that say about the surf “industry”.

    And Dave, you always write in such a generous tone towards the benefactors of your commentary… a blurred, soft line. Why?

    And if the commentators are so abused, what influence are the judges under.

  • Mark says:

    @ Mike

    How does not wanting to live under a Socialist regime make me non-caring of our environment? Is there no middle ground somewhere between Dubyaa and our current President?

    P.S. Get your facts straight pal. Heaven IS on the horizon and it was NINE consecutive days of deep tube riding. With a few blistering roundhouse cuttie gouges thrown in for good measure.

  • SmyrnaJeff says:

    Bilo-Bilo is a Barn-o Barn-o

  • Occy's Underbite says:

    Tap, tap, tap…

    Good evening ladies and gentlemen. You sir, yes you over there… the one with a human ass draped over your skull like a gluteal fedora. Yeahhhhp, dhhhhat means you, nitwit:

    Mr. Joe Torres:

    You DO know that the power rankings come AFTER the contests, right?

    Okay then. Let’s all calm our stampeding Stetson’s, and thank our Lord Laird that God knows and trusts His true Son.

  • Mike says:

    @Mark, the illusion of heaven creates less urgency in the reality of earth for those who “believe”. Maybe even carelessness. Like I’ve written before, religion is scary.

    The “middle ground” between our latest presidents is wafer thin except the perpetual campaign. W may turn out to be a more transparent corporatist than O. Who knew that change meant the same?

    Whoever is impersonating as Occy’s U, you’re drunk.

  • A.I.'s Dealer says:

    D’fuck you calling a drunk???

    Whoops, I meant, Joe Torre’s response was well thought out and intelligent.

    I meant no disrespect in any way to the Torre family, or the Torre organisation.

    Forget everything I just said.

    I sleeps wiff da fishes.

  • gooch says:

    the groms these days are getting way outta line. its too bad that nobody can do anything about it, theres nothing i would love more than to punch a few kids in the head, maybe toss their boards in and make them swim. but in doing that, now you risk the parents, the lawsuits, and who knows what. But theres one thing that really pisses me off, and thats stupid Moke hawaiian groms coming over to california and acting like they deserve waves and respect. They paddle out in packs like a bunch of little beaners, and like the saying goes, you mess with one bean.. you get the whole burrito. which in their case is about the same, and you might have to deal with one of their monkey fathers. so i think the next order of attack would be smashing every smart mouth little hawaiian fuck that gets lippy.

  • Gooch brah,

    if you not careful, you gone get dirty lickins bulaia. Hawaii is Aloha, California, and especially OC, is an erected penis up your okole. Put it on a rail. Aloha!

  • F. Murray Abrahambone says:

    @Gooch

    Now you’re just being an asshole.

    Beat it, prick.

  • Not another mark says:

    Obama credibly bodysurfs Sandy Beach- that alone means a lot to me. Go ahead and criticise Obama but my answer is two words- “George Bush”. His fucked-up economic melt-down has directly made keeping my job more important than my surf time. But no worries, the establishment will grind down any “revolution” into a few baby steps. It sounds cool to be a six-figure sponsored, home-schooled, globe-trotting attack grom. But I skip right over the grom articles and shots- I’m past puberty, it just doesn’t resonate. Most of these kids won’t end up on the WCT or on contract in the long run. Their surf coaches probably sign the IEP school forms so they won’t even have a high school education (maybe I’m wrong and they’re all Rhodes scholars). I hope the parents are saving the money for them and not blowing it on Lexuses.

  • Magnum Q. Meatwhistle says:

    I agree with Not Another Mark…

    … even though that means he’s nowhere near the vaguest vicinity of that person who’s name resonates most clearly amongst the ears of the simplistic who read and dribble comments uponst this hallowed site.

  • Magnum Q. Meatwhistle says:

    And by all that, I mean SmyrnaJeff.

  • Magnum Q. Meatwhistle says:

    Or, Many Fay and a number of other cowardly snipers who nitpick like niggardly nitwits…

    … see Gooch, you CAN use words from you lexicon of lewd language to make poignant comments without sounding like a hooded Klansman attempting to dryhump his sister in a pile of dead oak leaves.

    Shit.

    I just made you hard, didn’t I.

  • Occy's Underbite says:

    I just made myself hard by typing ‘you,’ instead of ‘you’re.’

    Fuck me sideways.

    Just like Many Fay’s brother did every time he whispered in his sister Many’s ear, “don’t worry, this time the spooning won’t hurt your tailbone quite as bad.”

  • Black's Slacks says:

    Way way back, on a pretty big day by my then-grom standards, I got caught right in the pit on a fat set wave, so I pissed my pants and bailed my board without looking behind me. Bad move. The guy did exactly the right, thing: paddled over, smacked me upside the head and sent me to the beach. I never did that again. Not ever.

  • D-man says:

    FUCK!! I am too late!! Groms have attacked NJ! Lewis if only I had gotten the message sooner.

  • BIL-O BIL-O says:

    Smyrna Jeff is a skimboarding hick

  • gooch says:

    @Aipa… im not sure what you just said, not even sure if that was english, but obviously you sound like someone that lives on an island, tell your little groms to have some “Aloha” when they come over to someone else’s spot. Make sure to point out that they are not in hawaii anymore, and they must HAVE RESPECT FOR THE LOCALS AS EVERYONE ELSE HAS RESPECT FOR HAWAIIANS WHEN WE SURF THERE….
    @F.Murray…. FUCK YOU

  • @gooch

    Ahahana! Most island groms surf mo bettah than adult mainlanders. But yes, respect is a must and young grom boys must learn. But what you say is a ohe launa, disrespecting the Hawaiian brodahs and language. E! You gone getit white boy, if you come ova. Hawaiian take care of you.

  • @gooch

    Fuck, most of the Hawaiian kids that I know are in town for nationals and have WAY more respect in the line-up than the typical yuppie fucking OC brat………. Plus with the dads that I know,if they saw there groms gettin out of line, they’d give em a smack…

    I’ve never met a mean Hawaiian…but I see plenty of douche-cunts in the OC everyday..

    But still…. Fuck the kids… unless they bring weed to the beach.

  • a.j. says:

    The photographer must be an artist. such creativity.
    It maybe time to for a change. I think weddings are the way to go…
    More money and a lot less of an impact on the world.

  • I’ve just subscribed to your RSS feed. I love your content.

  • Thank you for a great post

  • Wonderful to read!

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