How much longer can responsible, red-blooded American adult surfers afford to stand idle while Groms Attack? Is a preemptive strike justified to defend ourselves from future attacks?
Surfline (a media outlet well known for giving readers "the honest reporting they deserve") has documented multiple cases When Groms Attack: Puerto Rico, Hawaii, San Clemente, Cabo, Fiji... why should we wait idle while groms prepare another attack, perhaps on our home beaches?
I believe the time has come to launch a War on Groms, characterized by the use of preemptive lethal force.
The Bush Doctrine worked for us before. Why not employ it in this case? If our country has the right to depose foreign regimes that represent a potential or perceived threat to the security of the United States, even if that threat is not immediate, then why should we wait when it comes to a War on Groms?
As former-president Bush noted, "If we wait for threats to fully materialize, we will have waited too long -- our security will require all Americans to be forward-looking and resolute, to be ready for preemptive action when necessary to defend our liberty and to defend our lives."
Sure, cute little groms, bouncing around in the whitewater, may not represent an immediate threat to adult surfers. But as soon as they grow strong and gain skill, those little fuckers will be taking set waves from us AND making us look bad by surfing better than us and having more fun. Don't believe me? Just try enduring all 28 mind-numbing slides (plus grom audio!) in one of Surfline's "
If the experience doesn't make you feel violated and violent, I don't know what will.
I implore you to consider striking before these groms acquire the physical prowess necessary to become legitimate threats to the established lineup hierarchy.
Let's smoke 'em out of their holes and return to a time-honored system of preemptive strike grom abuse.
I ask you this: When was the last time you abused a grom? In the 70s, Grom Abuse was prevalent. Cheeky little bastards were sorted out.
According to Matt Warshaw's
Sadly, times have changed. When was the last time YOU stripped a neighborhood pre-teen naked, tied them to a pole as they whimpered, and then Dutch-Rubbed them? That's what I thought.
Part of the problem is those sticky legal restrictions, now prevalent in our overly-litigious culture.
When President Bush suggested a preemptive strike against Iraq, some legal-beagles suggested that Article 2, Section 4 of the
Similarly, I fear that abducting local schoolchildren, stripping them naked, and tying them to a pole in order to violate them may be against some type of law... or something.
It is possible that this would be particularly true in the case of girl grommets - a problem we didn't used to have to deal with pre Blue Crush. Again, I suspect that local authorities might not feel that it's "strictly legal" for a creepy, drug-addled, 40-something local deadbeat surfer to abscond with a pre-teen girl, rip off her clothing, and tie her to a pole at the local beach.
Just a hunch.