If the ASP thought outside the box, a surf contest in Brazil could achieve the same shiny pink, saccharine, end-of-days entertainment value that Reality TV provides.
Picture this: The Top 45 descend on a sport-crazed, surf-fanatical melting pot, surrounded by small mountain ranges of coke and the hottest g-stringed women on earth. Package the debauchery right, and who cares about the quality of the shorebreak?
A shockingly large number of ASP world titles have come down to how well top surfers deal with copious drug and alcohol abuse combined with fame-drunk groupies. Why shouldn’t fans be made privy to the details? Each stop on tour should test a different aspect of each competitor’s skillset. Bells, coldwater. Teahupoo, hucking pits. Brazil, coke and whores. We know Jihad Khodr can’t navigate a backside shack, but perhaps he parties like Keith Richards? We have a right to know.
Back to reality: The Brazil ASP event starts next week. I sent off some interview requests to prominent Top 45 surfers. Some responded, some didn’t. I reckon it’s uncharted territory for these guys – who knows what to make of the PostSurf experiment?
I tried to ask about the partying, but predictably that line of questioning didn’t really get me anywhere.
“I remember being in this night club in Floripa with a pro from Oz, and these two chicks were fighting over him,” Taylor Knox told me. “It worked out pretty good for him because instead of having to pick, they both took him home!”
Fair enough. I asked CJ Hobgood if he can count on a certain group of guys being distracted in Brazil, due to the easy access to coke and whores. “It use to be that way,” CJ told me. “But ever since the internet and that PostSurf, turns out a post a day, surfers don’t have enough time… without the internet I’d be occupying my time with all those distractions in Brazil.”
Ug. Flattery will get you nowhere, Floridiot.
More seriously, there is a world title up for grabs. Many pundits maintain the Mick Fanning has the best shot at challenging frontrunner Joel Parkinson – but will friendship get in the way of a good race?
I asked Mick if he um, wants to see mate Joel Parkinson win a world title.
“Joel’s a good mate but he’s also a good rival,” Mick told PostSurf. “It’s weird, I don’t want to him to win the world title when I’m going for it but if he got there I’d be happy for him. He helped me celebrate my title and I’d love to do the same for him someday. So yeah, I’d like to see him win a world title but maybe after I’ve won a few more. Ha!”
Unsatisfied with that media-savvy response, I asked Mick if he’d have any hesitancy digging in the knife if it came down to it - say utilizing priority to beat Parko in a heat and end his dreams of a title.
“We’ve been surfing with and against each other since we were 14 so competition has always been a part of our friendship,” Fanning told me. “The friendship definitely doesn’t challenge my focus and it’s never affected my decision making in heats. I’ll always do what I can to beat the person I’m surfing against, even if it’s my good mate and he’s going for a World Title. It might mean ending his dream but I’m chasing my own dream like every other bloke on tour.”
For every surfer except Bobby Martinez, the first challenge will be getting over recent losses and focusing on the present. Bede Durbidge won Brazil last year, but in ‘09 he’s had a less-than stellar season. I asked Bede if he’s haunted by the heats that haven’t gone his way this year.
“I definitely go over in my head what mistakes I made and how I could of won the heat, and then I move forward,” Bede told PostSurf. “Sometimes when you lose, you learn more than you do from a win.”
Lewis,
They should have an ASP event at Bollinas…
hahahahahahahahahahahaha
you’re killing it lewis!
The whole carrying the dude up the beach thing is as tired as volleyball chicks slapping hands after every point. Leave it to the Ozzies to make winning gay.
Where are they holding this event, or does it matter? Isn’t Brazil just one unpunctuated beach break after another? If so, find the one closest to a large bar and have yourself a contest. To think that we should be talking about Tav.
Glad Taylor only watched the unnamed Australian take two coke whores home or else he would have gotten divorced…..
And isn’t CJ “christian”, meaning a pass of gorgeous coke whores? Oh right, they only follow that book on sunday mornings
Bobby’s gonna blow up Post Mark.
What’s the Christian stance on fake boobs?
so what % of surfers will bring their girlfriend/wife to the brazil event?
They’re all for them, Pobby - just ask Ms. Prejean.
You should be getting paid for this shit - maybe plaster the site in boardshort ads.
“You’re killing it lewis”
“you should be getting paid for this shit”
fuck lewis. you know why it’s called postsurf.com cause that bitch don’t surf no mo.
just uses google to nab pretty pics and claim ‘em as himself.
you can’t do that fuckery with video though.
What’s the christian stance on “moobs”?
What’s the christian stance on goofy vs. regular?
You can use GIRLS instead WHORES lewis
If you ever show around you can add get beaten to your coke/whores duties.
We are pretty good at slaping smart asses like you.
Now Now Mau Mau
http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/post/Jordy-Smith-pulls-arguably-the-best-surfing-move?urn=top,171898
You need this kind of content on your blog. I heard Slater threatened to kill Mark Pesavento for posting this and also threatened to blow up GrindTV for making such a claim. I also heard that Rob Machado disputes the claim, stating, “What about that time in Peru I smoked out of a 3 foot bong while surfing a canoe made out of sticks? That was the most high-performance maneuver ever executed on a wave.”
peru has better and cheaper coke, but the ass isnt as big. move the contest there
The yahoo sports blog blows this one away.
http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/post/Jordy-Smith-pulls-arguably-the-best-surfing-move?urn=top,171898
Some fun comments on this one.
…Sorry, didn’t see HP’s link. I’ve been hangin with Rob all week down in Lobitos and don’t know up from down.
Have YOU (be honest) every REALLY seen footage of Keith Richards “PARTYING”? I didn’t think so… So, no matter what AI’s Dealer or anyone else says, you won’t see any footage of Kelly, Andy, Dane, Bruce, Julian, Parko, Mick, Taj, Adriano, Bede, “Happy” Gilmore or President Obama (and he has admitted he has) partying either, so forget it! Stop dwelling on it! Got better things to do!
Anyway, like our MASTER, LEWIS says, BACK TO REALITY !!!
The pro from oz that TK is talking about is surely, Happy Pat! Even if POC is as OC as they come… which is what I love about him! Really!
I’m actually just home from the Cloud 9 (starring K9) super VIP Hossegor premiere, so a little tipsy!
Clifton James loves his twin and GOD (not the one that comments on PS), almost as much as he loves Kelly, but not quite as much as Mick loves Parko… or do I have that backwards? Anyway… If Kelly doesn’t crack the quarters in Brazil, that’s it for this year. Maybe forever. Nine is a nice number. CLOUD 9… just like the title of my buddy’s film. Nico Dazet is my hero. Bravo Daz! You’re not “too” bad either K9…
Well, seems that Dave the Mailman has another problem with getting married…. he likes boys.
Way to gay it up, Davo. Go to sleep tipsy twinkie.
Yeah which Hobgood is what? Damien is divorced right? The other one is the Christian? I need to know before I pass judgement
Surfing used to be way more cool.
Dear Kampion, Hynd, Warshaw and Hawk,
I disagree. Have you noticed how cool Rob Machado is lately? Shit, there is even a contest where the grand prize is an opportunity to hang out with Rob Machado, which is proof of how cool he is and in turn the sport of surfing.
Heinz
Does anyone here realize Mark is ranked in the top 20 in Fantasy Surfer out of 16,000 participants?
Talk about someone that is savvy about pro surfing. I bet ya he is in the top 10 when Brazil is finished, top 5 after J-Bay and leading the Fantasy Tour by the time the final horn blows at Trestles.
I hear he might even make a guest appearance in the bleachers at Lowers. If I was PeterPerfect or Stu I would consider steering clear of San Clemente around early to mid September otherwise they might experience a good old fashioned Alabama Ass Whoopin.
Oh Yeah. Pat O’Connell is fuckin cool as shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if he went home with 3 or 4 Brazzo chicks at once.
Brazil, coke and whores,… oh, you’re so funny Mr. Lewis, congratulations on your funnyness!
Dave Mailman says:
Have YOU (be honest) every REALLY seen footage of Keith Richards “PARTYING”? I didn’t think so… So, no matter what AI’s Dealer or anyone else says, you won’t see any footage of Kelly, Andy, Dane, Bruce, Julian, Parko, Mick, Taj, Adriano, Bede, “Happy” Gilmore or President Obama (and he has admitted he has) partying either, so forget it!
You know who else you will never see pictures of partying an a multi gold medal holding Olympiad.. Oh wait never mind.
Add a fucking edit button Lewis most of on here have a healthy buzz on.
Where is Rod “The Box” Kerr when you need him? Give him a fucking wildcard. Schmoo too.
I had to qive up doing coke some years back. It was a pretty good buzz, but it seemed it would always turn my magnificient meatwhistle into a shriveled stack of dimes……quite similar to what smyrna has…..
Why is it that all of the commenters with huge pricks have a problem with me? I am confused? What did I say or do to deserve this abuse?
I have a question for Mailman.
Why doesn’t Schmoo commentate for Quik events anymore? Did he get axed?
I though he and Pottz were a great team. What happened Dave?
@ Dave Mailman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMecXZdpN4Q
@smyrna
It’s not your fault bro. That east coast,HOT summer, you know, when its FLAT and HOT, and did i mention FLAT, will certainly shrivel one’s member….stack of dimes with a pair of T-baggs scraping the ground.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axH9bhwI8os
@ trauzersnake
More like a vienna sausage with a couple of shriveled, dried out grapes clinging to the side.
But i have a 8 inch tongue.
And I cruise with Gorkin.
@smyrna
so what, you bend over and lick your own vienna whilst gorkin bangs all the chicks?
….or maybe he tounges Gorkin’s butthole? (not that there’s anything wrong with that) We never quite figured out why Dane hangs out with Virs, but it looks like we know why Gorkin hangs out with Smyrna.
@ trauzer… maybe we should introduce Smyrna to Mailman, a french holiday if you wish.
@Mike
he he…yeah they’re probably a little looser about that sort of thing over there, and at least mailman would probably nice and gentle about delivering the goods to poor naive smyrna.
Those sorority girls from Gainesville were mackin that vienna sausage like starving ethiopians bud.
Of course that was after 24 jello shots and a couple cases of Bud Light. But like Tim tebow said to Nick Saban after the S.E.C. championship game last year. ” Scoreboard is scoreboard bud.”
@ Mike
Don’t you read Post Surf? Mailman is already taken bro. Didn’t you read his glowing appraisal of Tim Boal?
G’Day from Narra! How ya goin Lewis? Things are good down undah but I am a little sick of this clown Smyrna cloggin up ya comments section on Post Surf. What happened to Occ’s Mum? Or That fuckin nuts bloke Blasphemy? He was funny! Or Mark? Where is that kook hidin?
Anyway I have the inside track that Davo is gonna be chompin to go in Brazil. He’s been sober for a week now and has been tearing the bag outta North Steyne.
Anyway good luck with your website mate! Cheers!
@ Hog Flu
Fuck off you inbred fucking convict fuck!
Oh yeah BTW. Mark is DONE with Post Surf. He called me today and said he is serious this time.
He is hangin up his spurs.
Nova Iguacu is home to more than 28,000 transgenders. So many, in fact, that they have 3 bathroom designations:
The usual for Men and Women… and the gender non-specific ‘Other.’ How fucken great is that? (Chris Cote, do not answer that question out loud here - in a public forum.)
So many chicks with dicks spraying their warm yellow gatorade on the floor that they have to have separate bathrooms for them! What will they thing of next?
P.s.
Female asses of the caliber we find on frequent excursions into Brasil, usually have one thing written all over them:
Skinny arms, huge calves and an ass you could park a Hungry Man dinner on. Think figure skater. Possibly ballroom dancer.
And speaking of ballroom, I need to go change into some sweat pants.
Look who just skipped onto the dance floor.
I smell virgin blood.
SmyrnaJeff, Shmoo is now an agent to the stars (Michel Bourez, and if my hungover brain is working correctly, Jordy too).
Good morning mr. Mailman! Thanks for the prompt reply and I hope that Hossegor is looking crisp and clean today.
Have a bloody mary mate. I have found that dealing with a strong hangover requires the same tact as dealing with an asshole punk fuck local kook. You look him in the eye and fucking CLOCK him with zero hesitation. BINGO! No more hassles for you at that spot!
Same with a nasty Hangover. If your head is throbbing from too much of the nasty from the previous evening then rare back like one of those faggity Euro soccer players and PUNCH a goal right into the mug of that headache and proceed to drink twice as heavy right through the lunch hour. BINGO! You will feel like Stu the moment he recieved his third worthless masters degree that has taken him absolutely fucking nowhere ever since.
Schmoo is Jordy’s agent? I did not know that. Whatever. I can’t keep track of all the ball licking that takes place in the world. I am just a simple country boy Dave. Tryin to catch an occasional head dip in this whirlwind pro life of 20 second tubes and Jordy flips in Indo.
Thanks for taking the time to slum with us peasants. Whether or not you realize it or even care ( I believe you DO ) you should know that we appreciate it.
Looks like mr. Rottmouth has pounded his little skitch noodle to the point where he has passed out in a pool of pathetic pre-jizz. When you get that jacked up on the shit every night it is tough to enjoy the full release of a healthy man-load.
I feel sorry for you Blas. It sucks to be alone.
I fucking QUIT!
Go ahead Mark. Garnish my fucking wages to cover your copyright infringement fee’s. I don’t even CARE!!!!!
I’m movin to P.R. and findin me a hot little Latina and chargin Tres Palmas till I fuckin DROWN!
@ SmyrnaJeff
Good riddance ya fuckin Seppo KOOK!!!!!
Hey SmyrnaJeff, if it were the weekend, I would go for the hair of the dog treatment, but mid-week afternoon baby sitting duties DO NOT include getting drunk while watching the kid. At least not in my lady’s rule book!
Even with all the drinking last night, we still didn’t manage to kick up any swell though. Only people out today are SUPs or those little Tommy Carroll surf dolls that came out a few years back. Hot and sunny though. Perfect topless suntanning weather. I bet BR has hopped on the red-eye and is camping out in the sand dunes scoping potential targets!
…and yeah, SmyrnaJeff, I do care, because you guys care too! Even BR, although he does get a little carried away sometimes.
What happens in Brazil, stays in Brazil … unless your condom breaks midway through, then you might bring home something that makes your penis ooze molten syrup.
On a lighter note, I heard there’s a drug down there that when you spray it onto your shirt an inhale it’s like a five-minute whippit! So any of you pros headed down, you know what souvenir to bring home for uncle Chris.
Chris? Are you speaking of from experience about the Brazilian penile ooze? Doesn’t sound fun…
Never been there, but I will go there, and I will rule the place. Everybody will love me, and I will love everybody.
@Chris Cote could you please send me a photograph of your penis oozing molten syrup? My “lady” had given me permission to inspect the photo carefully. Or maybe you could come over the pond for the event this fall and stay with us and we can see it for ourselves. Oh, that’s just my hangover talking. Think I’ll take my parasol and a celebrity gossip magazine and go sun myself, just shaved my legs!!!!
@Smyrna My “lady” and I have plenty of room for a southern bear, why don’t you come along with Chris? And please don’t quit again, that reads too much like Mark and he is insufferable. We could play tackle football, a great yankee drinking game, french style. My “lady” allows me to dip strawberries into chocolate, it’s within “her” rules so it’s ok. The thought of your visit is making me blush!!!!!!
Ciao, Dave the Mailman
i smell a virgin boys asshole
Mails - This place is sucking you in. You’re better than this! Say Hello to Mike for me. Ciao
Yeah, Huss! Will say hi to my bro! You’re right, I’m outta here! Lates!
Lewis, what an asshole you are. “mountain ranges of coke”?? What the fuck do you know about Brazil anyway?
Hi Dave and Huss,
Huss, you didn’t have to tip Dave, he knew the culprit. Bright guy that Dave, too bright to post drunk again. Probably hasn’t read that far down his fiancee’s rule book, but he’ll have it down cold soon.
To those of you considering marriage, take each step very carefully. The rules Dave is abiding by now won’t loosen once the contract is signed. And it is the biggest business arrangement most of us will engage in our lifetimes.
Cynically yours, Mike
P.S. Dave, I can help you more than you could imagine, have Huss pass along my contact info.
Actually makukai gayman– Lewis was out surfing thrice a day when he came thru NZ recently. I’m guessin you just surf the net and boys bars…
@ mailman I know I’m later here. While there may not be footage of Keith Richards partying, he sure as hell does not deny it. You should here him talk about how great the pharmaceutical coke was in the 70’s, so good he doesn’t even bother with the crap they got today!
Let me tell you…absolutely my No.1 actor right now. What a great presence. Just wonderful!
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