As TurtleGate enters its second day, PostSurf has uncovered shocking new evidence that the surf industry takes itself waaaaaaaaaay too seriously.
Despite not being a journalist, I have managed to assemble the following timeline of events:
Friday 19th June: Aussie charger Andrew Mooney (virtually unknown in America) and friends attempt to rape sea turtles in Mexico.
Saturday 20th June: Mr. Mooney posts evidence of his Sea Turtle assault on both Vimeo and Blogspot. PostSurf discovers the evidence of his depravity via RSS feed. It's called Google Reader, you simple bitch!
Tuesday 23rd June, morning: Hungover and jetlagged, yet compelled to post due to my stubborn nature, I publish a shocking expose of Mr. Mooney's deranged turtle-humping proclivities. Despite not being a journalist, I conduct a short interview with an anonymous Marine Biologist, who identifies the turtle in question as an
Tuesday 23rd June, evening: Mr. Mooney removes his "Extreme Mexican Turtles" video from Vimeo.
I update my post, noting that "Nothing shouts 'not guilty' louder than destroying evidence…" Mr. Mooney puts the video evidence back up, re-titled
Wednesday 24th June early morning: Mr. Mooney responds to the TurtleGate crisis with a barrage of calculated PR. Despite being Australian, it seems as if this Tapioca Fuckwit has almost no understanding of ironic humor.
Although apologetic, Mooney is defiant in his position that he did nothing wrong, even going as far as employing the Anchorman "When in Rome" defense:
"Why so much on me when its an everyday thing there, the turtles were not harmed and at the most a small fright which Im sure they can handle, they live in the ocean. I thought this was normal as every fishing charter advertisement there are tourists holding these turtles in exactly the same manor, every fishermen will show you photos of this trying to lure you into going fishing with them for the day. Ok thats what they do here, when in rome and i saw no harm. The guide showed us the way and he assured us this was a normal everyday thing. I am not one to hurt an animal, I love them..."
Mmmm. This sounds almost exactly like the type of defense that pedophiles offer after being photographed on sex tours in Thailand. It may be a "normal everyday thing" in Thailand - but that sure as hell don't make it right, Mister.
Wednesday 24th June early morning: Australia's
WAVES states "Since dropping the video into cyberspace (Mooney's) received death threats and opinionated blogger/journer Lewis Samuels has made heavy reference to the flick on his blog, stating that the turtle they wrestled was endangered."
When asked if he engaged in animal cruelty, Mr. Mooney returns to his When-in-Rome-Thai-Pepophile-Defense, stating "At Turtle Island in Bali, the turtles are picked up and held by random people all day long. So I see it as very normal and I think it's a great thing to be able to interact with an animal." Mooney also states "I took the upmost(sic) care when taking hold of the turtle…I’m not filled with regret in any way at all.”
Like any good interviewer, WAVES asks Mr. Mooney if he relied on alcohol “to put you up to doing it,” to which Mooney responds, “No not at all.”
What kind of sick bastard rapes turtles while SOBER?
Perhaps best of all, WAVES hints at the Enviro-Pro vs. Anti-Enviro-Pro issue by asking Mooney “How do you think people like Rasta would respond to this video?”
Mooney’s response is priceless:
“I don’t know what you mean by ‘people like Rasta’. Do you mean people who surf wooden boards? I ride a wooden board too. But I think you mean people who love animals and don’t want them to be harmed. I’d like to think I would be counted as one of those ‘people like Rasta’. I love animals and I have many at my house; dogs, chooks, fish and a snake just to name a few. I look after them all as they’re supposed to be and love them all. I grew up on a farm so I have always been surrounded by animals; horses, sheep, cattle, emus, kangaroos etc. I think they’re all great.”
Dear lord. How sick IS this Mooney chap? I hate to think about what he's most likely done to that barnyard of animals recited above, under the cover of night and influence of alcohol. Mind you, this is a man who pays to rape turtles while SOBER.
Wednesday 24th June late morning: PostSurf, ever vigilant, responds to ongoing TurtleGate developments with this post. I also contact my anonymous Marine Biologist again.
After watching the video in slow motion over 50 times, my turtle expert notes the turtle Mr. Mooney attempted to rape appears to be male, and underage. To cap it off, my turtle expert snickers, "He picked the ugliest one."