TurtleGate: Day Two

Posted by lewis on June 24, 2009 at 10:22 am.

As TurtleGate enters its second day, PostSurf has uncovered shocking new evidence that the surf industry takes itself waaaaaaaaaay too seriously.

Despite not being a journalist, I have managed to assemble the following timeline of events:

Friday 19th June: Aussie charger Andrew Mooney (virtually unknown in America) and friends attempt to rape sea turtles in Mexico.

Saturday 20th June: Mr. Mooney posts evidence of his Sea Turtle assault on both Vimeo and Blogspot. PostSurf discovers the evidence of his depravity via RSS feed. It's called Google Reader, you simple bitch!

turtlegate

Tuesday 23rd June, morning: Hungover and jetlagged, yet compelled to post due to my stubborn nature, I publish a shocking expose of Mr. Mooney's deranged turtle-humping proclivities.  Despite not being a journalist, I conduct a short interview with an anonymous Marine Biologist, who identifies the turtle in question as an Olive Ridley, endangered on the Pacific Coast of Mexico.  In all fairness, my Marine Biologist expert source also notes that the particular Olive Ridley in question was "asking for it, drunk, and frankly, a bit of a whore."

Tuesday 23rd June, evening: Mr. Mooney removes his "Extreme Mexican Turtles" video from Vimeo.

picture-1

I update my post, noting that "Nothing shouts 'not guilty' louder than destroying evidence…"  Mr. Mooney puts the video evidence back up, re-titled "Mexican Turtles," making it sound much less extreme.

Wednesday 24th June early morning: Mr. Mooney responds to the TurtleGate crisis with a barrage of calculated PR.  Despite being Australian, it seems as if this Tapioca Fuckwit has almost no understanding of ironic humor.

On his Blog, Mooney states "I am sorry If I have offended anyone or inspired them so much to write death threats and tell me how bad I am at surfing. I swam with a turtle, thats what I did, gave it a stupid name and I don't think it was bad."

mooney-sez
Although apologetic, Mooney is defiant in his position that he did nothing wrong, even going as far as employing the Anchorman "When in Rome" defense:

"Why so much on me when its an everyday thing there, the turtles were not harmed and at the most a small fright which Im sure they can handle, they live in the ocean. I thought this was normal as every fishing charter advertisement there are tourists holding these turtles in exactly the same manor, every fishermen will show you photos of this trying to lure you into going fishing with them for the day. Ok thats what they do here, when in rome and i saw no harm. The guide showed us the way and he assured us this was a normal everyday thing. I am not one to hurt an animal, I love them..."

Mmmm.  This sounds almost exactly like the type of defense that pedophiles offer after being photographed on sex tours in Thailand.  It may be a "normal everyday thing" in Thailand - but that sure as hell don't make it right, Mister.

mooney_mex

Mooney in Mex. Photo: Stu Gibson /thecollective.net.au

Wednesday 24th June early morning: Australia's WAVES magazine publishes an interview with Mr. Mooney - perhaps the finest moment in surf industry damage control PR since my Surfline interview with Andy Irons.

WAVES states "Since dropping the video into cyberspace (Mooney's) received death threats and opinionated blogger/journer Lewis Samuels has made heavy reference to the flick on his blog, stating that the turtle they wrestled was endangered."

When asked if he engaged in animal cruelty, Mr. Mooney returns to his When-in-Rome-Thai-Pepophile-Defense, stating "At Turtle Island in Bali, the turtles are picked up and held by random people all day long. So I see it as very normal and I think it's a great thing to be able to interact with an animal."  Mooney also states "I took the upmost(sic) care when taking hold of the turtle…I’m not filled with regret in any way at all.”

Like any good interviewer, WAVES asks Mr. Mooney if he relied on alcohol “to put you up to doing it,” to which Mooney responds, “No not at all.”

What kind of sick bastard rapes turtles while SOBER?

Perhaps best of all, WAVES hints at the Enviro-Pro vs. Anti-Enviro-Pro issue by asking Mooney “How do you think people like Rasta would respond to this video?”

Mooney’s response is priceless:

“I don’t know what you mean by ‘people like Rasta’. Do you mean people who surf wooden boards? I ride a wooden board too. But I think you mean people who love animals and don’t want them to be harmed. I’d like to think I would be counted as one of those ‘people like Rasta’. I love animals and I have many at my house; dogs, chooks, fish and a snake just to name a few. I look after them all as they’re supposed to be and love them all. I grew up on a farm so I have always been surrounded by animals; horses, sheep, cattle, emus, kangaroos etc. I think they’re all great.”

Dear lord.  How sick IS this Mooney chap?  I hate to think about what he's most likely done to that barnyard of animals recited above, under the cover of night and influence of alcohol.  Mind you, this is a man who pays to rape turtles while SOBER.

mooney_sick

Wednesday 24th June late morning: PostSurf, ever vigilant, responds to ongoing TurtleGate developments with this post.  I also contact my anonymous Marine Biologist again.

After watching the video in slow motion over 50 times, my turtle expert notes the turtle Mr. Mooney attempted to rape appears to be male, and underage.  To cap it off, my turtle expert snickers, "He picked the ugliest one."

87 Comments

  • el dedo sin uña says:

    I think this asks more questions than it answers.

  • Old Kook says:

    I can’t believe he is stupid enough to have reposted the video.

  • goblok says:

    poor mooney… I suppose that if you have shit for brains you’re going to get yourself in trouble at some point.

    I hear Quiksilver will drop him, because he ‘has shown a distinct lack of respect to the environment that we all live in. We at Quiksilver are committed to a healthy environment for all and therefore can not associate ourselves with Mr Mooney any longer. As a testament to this commitment, we will be launching a Save The Turtles boardshort, only $70!’

  • zac varf says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvlzFodyhFU

    this mooney chap reminds me of this womans relationship with animals..

    the one after the old lady with the parrot, who describes her husband being judgemental of her friendship with the dog as being the last straw in their marriage..

  • sunsetmessiah@yahoo.com says:

    Carbon/Eco credits for sale, 3 for a dollar, no per person limit, inquire within.

  • Wilber! says:

    Ahhhhhahahahaahahaha… fucking awesome. Fuck the turtles!

  • Forward Observer says:

    The incessant giggling during the whole clip tops it off. To give each one of those fuckwits an open hand to the back of the head - now that would be funny.
    Have to give mooney props for the Rasta comment, and the tow in. The turtle rape ruined it.

  • PacNW says:

    Olive ridley you say? Clearly not, this is definitely a case of being at Loggerheads.

  • LongDuckDong says:

    Have you ever felt the insides of a turtle? pure extacy….

  • el dedo sin uña says:

    Only up to the elbow. When does the “extacy” start? Really after the wrist its kind of a bloody mess.

  • Mark says:

    I have a dog.

  • Lance says:

    that was a bit disturbing… especially since he rapes ugly sea turtles, i wonder what kind of girls he goes for… oh wait maybe that what all the pets are for at his house… did he mention anything about a gerbal?

  • el dedo sin uña says:

    @Mark I have 2 dogs but we are on the subject of pedoturtleits.
    @Lance No mention of gerbals, do you have a specific interest?

  • Hugh Jass says:

    This has devolved into utter idiocy.

  • Stu says:

    Forget turtles, Lewis, and start back up tomorrow where you left off on AI and his fluff piece on Surflie…

  • Stu says:

    On topic, I don’t expect than anyone’s ever called Aussie surfers smart (much like Mark), so none of this should be a surprise.

  • PacNW says:

    Let me get this straight: A man jumps on a turtle (sober) and posts video. Then, some animals lovers watch said video and in response, threaten to murder the man to teach him the lesson that, animals should be treated like people. Is it me or does the irony just keep coming?

  • Hugh Jass says:

    So, Lewis, now that you’ve spelled out clearly that you are not a journalist–”Despite not being a journalist, I conduct a short interview . . . “–you must accept, at the very least, that you are a blogger with somewhat of a cult following. With this comes a certain measure of reponsibility. I can comment neither on the degree nor the brand of responsibility you assume in writing and posting, but I would like to suggest that you consider your role in such threats being incited. Seriously. It’s one thing–sardonic humor–to degrade and demoralize professional surfers who fail to live up (y)our expectations, but it’s another pursuit altogether–libel, to be plain–to twist fact for the sake of “the story”. I would like to think you had learned this simple lesson by now.

  • Joao says:

    Ripcurl make shit suits that fall apart with a guarantee worth less than the democratic rights of the Chinese workers who ’stitched’ the shit together and now the fuckers bring the ASP here? They better bring some new suits, some money to say sorry and security bigger than me cos right now I’m in the mood to kill. Mailman you stupid fucker you were in on this what about the corporate responsibility of these companies, as in holding them to account for fleecing surfers for 300 euros for shit that doesn’t last a month before letting them host a WCT event? What can I do against some nultinational company that chooses to fuck me over? Nothing of course, unless they come to my home… bring it Ripcurl Bitch!

  • Hmmmm says:

    Lewis, your fucking hilarious. I do feel bad for Mooney though. He seems to be a decent dude who just happened to post online something that Lewis can spin for this “fuckery” and when people dont catch the sarcasm, Mooney is a place for them to vent there uptightness. While reading this, I laughed for I too am rather cynical. But I also wondered how much longer will Lewis be able to entertain us until he runs into one of his subjects of entertainement that’s not as entertained?

  • Stu says:

    I love Rip Curl suits and the Chinese kids who make them.

  • Dudley Poor says:

    @Hugh Jass

    Seriously, bro? Wasn’t that you whinging about poor Rasta yesterday? Now it’s poor Mooney? Poor pro surfers. There lives are so hard.

    Thankfully they have Hugh Jass to defend them.

  • Pac Sun says:

    You are really trying to get back at quiksilver for getting you fired from surfline aren’t you. Was it even quik? They are all the same. Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people’s lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist. no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?

  • michael says:

    waves description of themselves on google “Australia’s wittiest surfing magazine is a hero-driven, irreverent and fashionable publication with plenty of attitude” hahahahahahah so lame

  • Dudley Poor says:

    And BTW

    Mooney’s quote “I swam with a turtle, thats what I did, gave it a stupid name and I don’t think it was bad” makes it sound like he had Dr. Seuss handle his PR statement.

  • bdub says:

    Post Surf was blacked out for me around 3pm for about 1 hour, thought the corporate monkey suits finally silenced, Samuels. Glad it is not the case, please keep up the slandering.

  • drake saffire says:

    absolute classic Lewis. You’ve got Mooney pissing into the wind on this one!

  • Mark Sanford says:

    I have decided to be honest with the people of South Carolina. I have spent the last 7 days Turtle hunting with Perez Hilton and The Black Eyed Peas. I apologize to the people of South Carolina for decieving them.

  • Dudley Poor says:

    @ Pac Sun

    OMG. LOL. and so on you fucktard.

    If LS had it in for quiksilver, and actually wanted to be an investigative journalist, surely his most effective method of corporate sabotage is writing falsely negative things about world-famous Quik icon Andrew Mooney.

  • Mike says:

    And you were worried about me slagging Mailman Dave, Lewis!

    Oh no, drawing so much with some fuckery, the subject backpedaling and the Samuels piling on!!!!!

    Gotta love Post Surf, when nothings happening, something will happen.

    Maybe Mooney should twitter JOB or Whitlock to find out how this plays out!

    Post Surf was off line today for me and just came back on to this ongoing drama, Film at 11!

  • F. Murray Abrahambone says:

    Pac Sun is a fine example of a thing that should not be… on this site.

    P.s.

    …No matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way.

    (just thought I’d throw that out there - in case anyone missed it the third time.)

  • West Hollywood says:

    That turtle is a Pro! I’ve seen it working the back rooms on the Strip many times. It is not really Rape if you pay cash up front!

  • Shredder says:

    i can’t even believe how dumb this Mooney fvck is. what a retard.

  • ReB says:

    fVcking turtle can bite your fVcking hand off.

    fVcking thing will give him a fVcking nipple-ectomy.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdsds1uXuqU

    go PARKO !

    go TAJ !

  • Turtle Boy says:

    I like turtles.

  • lazer says:

    And now, a voice of reason: With globalization abounding, we as impartial viewers must hesitate to cast judgement before all angles have been studied. Here, we find ourselves in a rush to condemn an Australian man who, for reasons unbeknownst, took it upon himself to express his abiding affection for sea-life by porking a turtle.

    This case, quickly gaining worldwide media attention, is a microcosm for the irresponsible proliferation of journalistic bias against turtle-fucking aficionados, many of whom are suffering in the resulting backlash. Remember, in cultures abroad exist countless sexual explorers who freely imbibe their subcultural fetishes without fear of redress from Americanized views regarding beastiality.

    In all fairness, this homosexual shell-shucking should not be miscategorized as mere marine rape until all sides of the story have been examined. Perhaps, as the article suggests, Mr. Mooney had a preexisting relationship with the turtle and the coitus was consensual. Perhaps the turtle was drunk, or dressed provocatively in an attempt to beguile an innocent surfer into mating with it. Additionally, we must consider that in all likelihood the turtle will not press charges in an attempt to ease the burden of the media spotlight on his turtle wife and kids.

    Finally, Mr. Dave Rastovich’s affection for sealife is well documented and must be thrown into the discussion. Had it been Dave rather than Mr. Mooney photographed coupling with this unfortunate bastard, Mr. Rastovich would have been applauded for his undying commitment to furthering human/sea-turtle relations. Another example of media bias from Lewis Samuels, and a sad comment on the state of global journalistic integrity as a whole.

  • Jim Strides says:

    I LOVE that in 2009, a magazine exists that is so ‘hero-driven’ they gormlessly assume the only souls who could possibly be upset by someone harming an animal are “people like Rasta”.

    According to Waves, you only qualify as Caring About Stuff if you’re a good-looking freesurfer with a mermaid ex-wife and a signature wetsuit made out of bamboo. Everyone else in the world who isn’t “people like Rasta”? Continue to live without thinking, just like us.

    I thought Mooney’s response to that question was great. Hats off, kid.

  • ... says:

    who is this lewis person anyway? a ‘blogger’ wow u must be so proud of urself
    get over this shit he swam with a turtle everyone does it there and wats with all this rape stuff? lewis u seem to love to talk about it i wonder wat u get up to in ur spare time??
    u are a sad ugly little wanker who has nothing better to do than to put shit on other people
    get over it and get back to talking about surfing or watever it is u do on this shit website

  • Angry Villager with Pitchfork says:

    YES! who IS this lewis person.

    Clearly he is the problem, not fuckwit pro surfers.

    let’s round this lewis up, along with the other bloggers.

    If he is not sad now, he WILL be sad once I gently poke him with my pitchfork.

  • dadada says:

    hey at least mooney is getting international exposure through this!.. i bet waves will print that interview 3 months from now, lame inbreds

  • NPC says:

    andrew mooney rips! lewis you are a fuckwit! fuckoff!

  • A.I.'s Dealer says:

    Andrew Mooney rips innocent turtle rectums; and just because he can surf at a skill level slightly above the average Joe next to any pier in the world, he gets a pass?

    Hell naw. This aggression will not stand!

    Did OJ get off scot-free just because he was a great athlete? Does Scott Weiland get any more chances than you or I just because he’s a famous musician? Does Lindsay Lohan get a lenient sentence after driving drunk just because she used to be hot and act… and bang men??

    D’fuck you think Mooney should get treated any different you heartless bastards!!

  • Jack Colt says:

    I guess there is no such things as bad publicity. I’ll rape a penguin wearing a hat and fake mustache and post it on Youtube if I could.

  • trauzersnake says:

    I think mooney should have to register with the department of fish and game and he shouldn’t be allowed to live within a 15 mile radius of a zoo, aquarium, or animal farm. Furthermore, that turtle should be thanking its lucky stars that it wasn’t my giant cock under that shell.

  • Too Short says:

    @Dudley Poor

    You need a healthy injection of some pop culture. Go to Blockbuster, if they still have them, and rent Zoolander. You might be enlightened to one of the more relevant movie quotes of the early 2000’s (notice the sarcasm….something you clearly lack any ability to detect upon).

    I recommend renting Old School after that….that was a pretty good movie too.

    love,
    Too Short

  • trauzersnake says:

    I heard that Smyrna once tried to mount one of those Florida Snappin’ turtles from behind, and it suddenly turned and bit half of his cock off. Poor bastard was only left with 1/8″.

  • Booger says:

    Where can I sign up for one of those turtle raping trips? Waterways? This will be better then the time we watched AI do lines of coke off a ten year old’s boner.
    Lewis, why no Wardo stories? There are more of him then the rest of the top 48 combined. Wardo in Santa Barbara “these chicks are hot, do you know where I can score some coke”

  • Mark says:

    @ trauzersnake

    Smyrna can’t comment anymore. he is in his ” special place “.

  • trauzersnake says:

    @Mark

    Where’s that….inside Gorkin’s butthole?

  • Mario Lavandeira says:

    I credit Lewis’s post the other day to give me the courage to use my real name thank you.

    BTW

    Do you have Artie and Pirate Salsa’s number?

  • Occy's Underbite says:

    I only tow into slabs behind gravy boat’s made of snake tartar.

  • Magnum Q. Meatwhistle says:

    I like to wear a codpiece made from bumblebee wings and three-toed sloth menstruation when shaking up in Chopes during the Spring…

    … but only on alternating business casual Fridays.

  • F. Murray Abrahambone says:

    Since I’m a nerd, my vintage O’Neill Animal-Skin wetsuit comes equipped with a pocket-protector made from refried aardvark cuticles.

    Very, Very Green.

  • A.I.'s Dealer says:

    Don’t forget me!

    Whilst boating around the Mentawai’s, I like to wear penny loafers made from dried yak vulvas.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Well fuck all yalls.

    I have a hot pocket made out of Mark’s mom.

    That’s right. I eat my heart out every night… you sniveling little sandflea’s premature ejaculate.

    Yes, that means YOU!

  • Mario Lavandeira says:

    Fabulous! I looovvvveeee Blas! Wicked!~

  • Former Central Fla commenter says:

    I hate Blasphemy Rottmouth.

  • dadada says:

    Blasphemy Rottmouth, F. Murray Abrahambone, and Magnum Q. Meatwhistle are the same person: mike

  • Occy's Underbite says:

    @Dadada

    You know nothing. Nothing!!

  • A.I.'s Dealer says:

    @Dadada

    You know nothing. Nothing!!

    Wait, did someone else already say that??!

  • PeterPerfect says:

    @ huge ass, responsibility comes with writing for a corporate entity. This is a blog. Libel? You have no idea what you’re talking about. Take it or leave it. Your over-anal-izing it, and this is from someone who is qualified to teach journalism. You’ve been writing crap here for a while and your not funny, not insightful, and have not had sex with Mark’s mom. That’s three strikes, asswipe.

    Go back to writing bad press releases for billaquikcurl or worse, as a PR shill for a non-competitive “pro” surfer, you’re way out of your depth. Oh and Mark’s mom got the photo, she says no thanks, she’s not a charity worker.

  • pierre says:

    who knows? the turtle may have enjoyed the whole thing..

  • Fisher says:

    people like rasta? does that mean persons with substance abuse issues? can quiksilver be charges with conspiracy or aiding and abetting paedophelia or maybe engaging in a sexual act with a minor? have stabler and benson been called in on this one?

  • Fat git says:

    Waaaa bollox to all the “intelligent” comments, that is funny as fuck!

  • Unreal that one funny Lewis sarcasm post turns into a public relations nightmare for this cat and others. Fucking epic. The postsurf influence was greatly underestimated by myself. Funny as shit but Mooney is hating it, when will people learn that you don’t have to put every thing you do on the fucking net: vimeo, youtube, myspace, facekook, twitter, blogs etc? Day 2 of turtle gate couldn’t have been much better than this. Awesome.

  • Hugh Jass says:

    @ Peter Perfect,

    1) Responsibility is not limited to corporate employment. (In fact, if you knew the tiniest iota about corporate law, you’d know that, ultimately, corporations are held less accountable for their actions than are individuals, and that individuals within corporations are, much more often than not, untouchable.) Here’s an example of the kind of responsibility I’m talking about: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/27/us/27myspace.html So, would you also argue that Lori Drew, who was not writing for a corporation, had no reason to consider assuming a measure of responsibility for what she was writing and posting on the Internet? Yeah, never mind, you probably would.

    2) I’m not talking. I’m writing. You should try it sometime.

    3) To what does “it” refer when you ask that I “take it or leave it”?

    4) It’s “overanalyzing”; not “over-anal-izing”. (You should know this as someone who is “qualified to teach journalism.” But, if you were trying to be funny be isolating the word “anal” in your grade school neologism . . . I get it . . . but it’s less than sophomoric . . . in fact, it’s soft-o-moronic. Wow. See how lame that is?) And, in case you hadn’t noticed, Postsurf was born of the act of analysis.

    5) You’ve been writing even crappier crap “on here” for far longer than I have . . . so, what’s your point?

    6) I’m not trying to be funny; so, thanks. (You’re not trying to be funny either, are you? I really hope not.)

    7) A consistent failure to recognize insightfulness is a symptom of neuromyopia . . . you might want to get your mind’s eye checked.

    8) That’s a cute name you have for your penis: “Mark’s Mom” . . . but seriously, not interested . . .

    9) I’m not in your ballpark. You must have been pitching to someone else, slugger.

    10) Neither in the surf industry nor a shill. Oh, and unless it’s in relation to the act of sodomy–be it consensual or otherwise, on caretta caretta or homo sapiens, etc.–”depth” is clearly a topic on which you are grossly underqualified to comment.

    11) You need counseling. Your propensity for personifying your phallus has reached the point of clinical psychosis. As you well know, penises are often the subjects of photographs, but never are they the recipients of them.

  • The surf world does take itself way too seriously if you can’t laugh at this kind of shit. So do the postsurf commenter’s. The only thing Lewis has to worry about is maybe a little bit of stink eye at Shipsterns, maybe a dunking. Your tripping on this shit I’m sure Lewis. Hilarious semi - journalism going on.

  • Hugh Jass says:

    Ryan, don’t fret mon frère . . . maybe, just maybe, I’m playing the foil . . .

  • goblok says:

    i’m so drunk now

  • goblok says:

    By the way, mr Mooney (are you reading) there is a nice little lefthander in West Java that you may be interested in. It’s called ‘Turtles’…

    At daytime you can get barreled and at night time you could sneak out of the camp to hump a few turtles that are crawling up the beach to lay eggs. Easy targets mate!

    http://www.wannasurf.com/spot/Asia/Indonesia/West_Java/turtles/index.html

  • Not Rasta says:

    @ Hugh Jass

    “This has developed into utter idiocy”

    Son, your name is Hugh Jass.

    Carry on.

  • Hugh Jass says:

    @ Not Rasta

    You must be Lewis, as you blatantly misquoted me. Scroll up again son and learn a new word: “devolved”. Yes, there are similarities to the word “developed” and “devolved”, but they are neither homonyms nor homophones–you can look up those words, too.

    Dad, your screen name screams “I’m trying!” No, I take that back . . . it’s more of a whimper than a scream.

    Toodles.

  • Mike says:

    @hugh Jass Lewis is playing you.

  • Mike says:

    Credit due, stirring an absent pot has the ingredients running for cover…. Genius, though perverted Samuels.

  • Fuck Yeah says:

    SHIT YEAH MOONEY ROOT THAT MEXICAN TURTLE… FUNNY SHIT!!!!!!!!

  • Hugh Jass says:

    @mike

    I am playing (with) myself . . .

    . . . while viewing a thumbnail photo of Drew Brophy’s wife.

  • stu gibson says:

    hey lewis what is your email, i cant find it on your shambles of a blog, or in between my images ripped off the net. contact me

  • Simon says:

    I think the turtles had the most fun.

  • I am a turtle .

    .

    .

    weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  • neverlearned says:

    damn. it seems that the Australian chapter of MTLA (Man-Turtle Love Association) have commemorated this event by commisioning a bronze statue celebrating turtle rape.

    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/81/Turtle_boy_love_statue.jpg

    it appears Mr. Mooney has his supporters.

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