Is the ASP world tour getting you down?
Fear not: sporting salvation is on the way - the has announced a Stand Up World Tour!
What exactly is a waterman, you ask?
In my experience, watermen are shortboarders whose egos can't deal with the dwindling wavecount that aging inevitability brings. So they ride gigantic boards and/or employ jetskis, sails, and paddles to hog more waves, and justify it by calling themselves Watermen.
Now, like any other undereducated, under-skilled labor force, the Janitors of the Sea are unionizing: they have formed the WATERMAN LEAGUE.
Honestly, after spending a few minutes on the website of the League of Extraordinary Watergentlemen, I was tempted to think the whole thing was a parody orchestrated by a comedic genius. (Such was the opinion of reader Seaman Staines, who left the URL in yesterday's comments).
But, alas, I think this macho wankery is FOR REAL, and chock full o' caramel-covered irony...with a nougat center!
Take the Waterman League Promo video:
Did Michael Bay direct this? I love how the first shot of a Stand Up Paddleboarder shows him waving his paddle around like a cracked-out gibbon, as he burns an actual surfer.
I also love how they leveraged footage of Kelly and Parko - as if they had something to do with this custard fuckery.
Moving on to the real topic: the . Let's hear the pitch!
"The Stand Up World Tour has been introduced in 2009 to embrace the emergence and exponential growth in the sport of Stand Up Paddling. At every level, we have witnessed unprecedented interest in the sport: from the all access flat water paddling that has become popular as a cross training exercise for professional athletes (Lance Armstrong) and core fitness work out for all (incl. celebrities such as Tom Hanks, Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Aniston and Pierce Brosnan) to the high performance riding in some of the most challenging waves in the world, Stand Up Paddling has touched every level of the outdoor demographic, without the traditional geographic limitations of ocean sports.
At one end of the sport, the Waterman League is supporting mass participation races and demos to encourage access for all to this incredible sport. At the other end, the organization is gathering the world’s greatest Watermen for a world championship tour like no other, held in some of the most challenging waves in the world."
Wow. Great. Sounds like someone is cashing in, at the expense of our line-ups.
Sign me up! How do I qualify for this tour?
"The Stand Up World Tour will consist of a prestigious 32 man fleet made up of the following: An elite Top 16 athletes (decided on by the Committee listed below) An additional 8 athletes selected from an alternate list (again the decision finalized by the Committee) A final 8 athletes made up of 4 local trial entrants in each location and 4 wild cards...
The 5 key members of the Stand Up World Tour Committee are as follows:
Ekolu Kalama (Chairman of the Committee); Bonga Perkins; Duane Desoto; Leleo Kinimaka; Chuck Patterson."
As you may have already guessed, given the absolute power to choose who's on this World Tour, "The Committee" naturally chose themselves, along with a list of primarily Hawaiian athletes.
Laird Hamilton and Scott Bass did not make the cut.
There will be three events on this Stand Up World Tour - held at Teahupoo, Ocean Beach, and Makaha.
Check out the tour trailer, again directed by Michael Bay:
My favorite part: when the guy at the end optimistically says "The sport is going to be... out of control!" And then they cut to a couple clips of SUPers who are, well, out of control - ditching their boards or getting pitched over the falls.
It's a nice summation of the real issue with growing the sport of Stand Up Paddling.
The Watermen who aim to profiteer are skilled enough to control their equipment. But the legions of kooks that they're encouraging to flood our line-ups on SUPs are not.
It's simply a safety issue. Any beginner surfer, regardless of their equipment, should be strongly encouraged to hold on to their board. But SUPs are too big for the vast majority of SUPers to control when caught inside or caught on a critical section of a wave.
The inevitable result will be an increase in injuries to other surfers, along with money in someone's pocket. At least local emergency rooms and chinese surfboard factories will profit!
Meatwads # 1!!!
anyone who posts after this loves to s.u.p.
@Mark
Still wanna see a Shane Herring vs. Bryce Ellis. Not sure how Bryce is fairing but…
I was robbed. But that’s ok - I still rule Cardiff with an iron broom.
First! You filthy winos!
Dayyummm! Too slow again.
SUP stands for seriously unwanted persons…in the line up
This calls for some serious guerilla tactics. Maybe bore holes in the bottom of their epoxys? Cut leases? Snap femurs? Coastal commision lobbyist (gulp)?
i sugest, as a rule, before entering the water everyone should be forced to be banged in the head with maximal strenght with the waterriding vehicle thei are using.
bodyboarders and inflatable buoy would came out laughing
as for SUP and TOWAT TOWIN i hope they have a hard head
This could be Mark’s calling!!!
Now pros can extend career/sponsorship milking via the following transition:
Washed up WCT pro-> A. Big wave tow act OR B. Enviro Freesurfer-> SUP Circuit
Savvy pros might event make four plays out of it.
Who’s on board? Gerr?
Thank you for calling this travesty to our immediate attention…who created that video? I love how it said their sport reaches “all 4 corners of the planet”…I was always under the impression the earth was round…Maybe Laird knows something we don’t from his extensive x-America paddle experiences.
“Meatwad”. A fitting term for the SUP fanatics and the above “#1″ commenter.
On another note, wouldn’t you love to give it to Jennifer Aniston, standing up or otherwise?
Sorry, I got distracted there.
I wish upon a star that this whole SUP ’sport’ would go away, but I don’t think it’s going to…unfortunately.
Pray with me: “Dear Tooth Fairy, please take all the SUP fuckwits and place them all in a zoo-like environment…together, similar to the one they are in the process of creating in the surf on beaches all over the world. Amen.”
Mark said Ikaika Kalama RIPS big Sunset on an S.U.P.
Nick is not one of us. We are ashamed of him.
Please go away Nick.
Mark should know, he rides an SUP without a paddle, talk about macho….
Mark, I’m starting to become worried about you. A few aliases is ok, but you’re pushing it now. Please stop or I’ll strike you dead. You can trust me when I tell you that you won’t like where you end up.
@ Mike
Only in the summer Flower Girl.
If there is a god, the Ocean Beach event will be held in an onshore, short interval windswell. Love to see those waterman unsuccessfully struggle to get through OB’s relentlessly warbled 2′ shore pound rip in such conditions. Advanced notice “waterman”. Have your jetski partner ready to tow your worn out geriatric bodies out should your paddle power fail you!
That proves it, God hates Mark. We all suspected it, but now proof positive. God, can I quote you ver batum on Sunday at church? I’ll work it in amongst your other angry writings, a seamless segue if you will and I won’t distract your primary message, FEAR.
@ Sunset Messiah…. And to think Laird pulled it off without a CT resume’. Laird gives a legion of morons a rationalization for poor equipment choices.
Sweepers be damned! May all of your paddles become pushbrooms and your lineups become dusty sidewalks, driveways and patios!
Where ever I travel, I meet surly SF guy who needs to tell me how tough he is. The one constant amongst rad SF guy is his description of Ocean Beach. A marathon paddle against all odds to find shifty peaks that favor giant boards. Masochism disguised as performance. Then suddenly, confronted with rippable, point surf in trunks, SF guy struggles because he’s “used to surfing with booties”.
And I always think the same thing, why bother when Santa Cruz is a short ride away and flawless.
I elect myself and everyone here to the International League of SeaMonkeys. First order of business, we’ll need to get O.P’s director of propaganda on the phone and set-up some photo-shoots which capture the Surfing Monkey lifestyle. I’m thinking Gidget and MoonMonkey by a Tijuana border bonfire. But, I’m open to suggestions. This is an International League after all. Let’s just make sure we get some healthy looking Monkeys on the front of the package, with deep Monkey tans and white Monkey smiles. Monkey sex sells. Next, we’re going to need a slogan. I suggest something along the lines of, “Evolution in the water”. Finally, we’ll need to organize a world tour of surfing SeaMonkeys. Given our associations, we can probably rule out any Hawaii stops. But, everyone knows that the real profits lie in the Monkey-groms of the expanding middle-class in China. So, all we need to do is get that missing-link to buy into the SeaMonkey lifestyle. Therefore, I suggest we focus marketing accordingly, with the World SeaMonkey Champion crowned during a grueling three week S.U.P. Tour de Yangtze. I’m thinking, “Lance Armstrong overcomes the Green Dam.” A real story of modern SeaMonkey survival that the whole family can enjoy.
It’s unfair to call all SUPers “meatwads”. Their most skilled practitioner is, after all, Jennifer Aniston. That woman is a lot of things, but meatwad is not one of them. On a related subject: keep a lookout for the League of Extraordinary Watermen at a break near you, they will be the ones wearing t-shirts over their wet suits or booties with their board shorts.
I am going to be pissed if I show up at south OB during a pumping October swell and there is a whole cluster fuck of custard fucks trying to sweep through the denial zone.
right on lewis! SUPs are KOOKS
and that trailer was straight up gay…i thought the oceans were goign to part and king kamehameha was gonna surface on a SUP at the end when the music climaxed!
this one is even more hilarious:
fuck watermen.
Lewis,
Will you make a Power Rankings for the Sweepers too?
i love lamp. i love SUP. I LOVE SUP. I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW. I WOULD SCREAM IT AT THE TOP OF A MOUNTAIN BUT I DON’T HAVE A MOUNTAIN, I HAVE POSTSURF COMMENT SECTION.
I LOVE SUP. SUP SUP SUP SUP SUP
Enough of this. Jason Borte is apparently the new Lewis on Surfline’s latest power rankings. Somehow I don’t think Mark or any of his alter egos are going to be happy with Jordy’s placing.
this is bad, but maybe some good will come out of it. maybe we will realize that SUPers aren’t so bad and are TRUE watermen
AAAAAARrrrrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!
Why do people insist on calling this “traditional”???? Parmenter claiming “It’s a very old thing… you can see it going back eons.” This is bullshit, plain and simple. Stand up paddling has been around for *maybe*, again *MAYBE*, 50 years. You say it’s been done for generations in the Hawaiian Islands, Titus??? I love you man, but that’s bullshit. At most, we’re talking two generations… three if you really want to push it.
Christ, microwave ovens have probably been around longer.
It started with a guy at Waikiki who didn’t want to get his cigarettes wet when taking pictures of kook tourists on extra-long-and-extra-wide-stand-without-a-wave-it’s-so-easy-even-a-monkey-can-do-it longboards.
Traditional, you say? It goes back eons, you say? Fuck you.
Show me one fucking picture, anywhere, showing someone stand up paddle surfing that is older than fifty years. Can you even show me a cave drawing. Some artist’s rendering? ANYTHING???? I thought not.
We think Mick is PSYCHING at J-Bay right now. He is FRAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWTHING Mate!
“But to make it even better, maybe he should ride his own crazy shapes. Imagine Lance welding his own bike, or Tiger forging his own driver, or MJ stitching his own Nikes. Kelly makes chumps of those guys.”
there is no comparison. NONE. first, kelly wasn’t actually shaping those himself. and two, plus two is 4
@Lewis says: “So they ride gigantic boards and/or employ jetskis, sails, and paddles to hog more waves”
I had a great session yesterday in NorCal: In two hours I caught 30 waves and ran over two surfers and a sea lion.
(Chill out, I’m kidding about the surfers, and the sea lion actually jumped over the nose of my board — don’t want to have Turtlegate II)
Proud to be a “waterman” if that means riding tons of set waves rather than sitting around in the overcrowded, overamped line ups at The Lane or Pleasure Point.
and i could do those rankings, they are pretty much side by side with where the asp ranks the surfers. and then they throw in some gay commentary that my 8 year old son that doesn’t exist could write. i would know more about surfing living in ohio
Yeah K,H,W and h but the draw is lopsided. Mick, Jordy, Joel and Bobby all in the top half. There’s gonna be nuthin but assholes and elbows left when those boys are through scrapin.
BTW Mailman I have a question. Does the draw get reconfigured after the losers round? Or does it stay the way it is stated now meaning Mick could not meet Jordy, Joel or Bobby in the finals? I am confused.
If it stays the same we could see a final of Slater against either of the 4 surfers I just mentioned. How would Mick and Slates be in the final at perfect Supers?
Oh but I forgot. Pro surfing sucks. Mike said so. Sorry.
@mike @ 12:25 Nice try, smyrna, to slander me. SUP’s are the surfing equivilant of training wheels. And I know you have a paddle in your house.
Jason Borte is master of the obvious…. though he meets his deadlines…. unlike some slacker blog authors who write interesting things, but have no sense of responsibility.
The best part in the video is when they talk about sup’ing being an old sport and then slap a final cut filter over the same crappy action footage that was being cycled through-out.
Smyrna doesn’t play dirty pool amigo. Nor do I.
There is a rat in the kitchen and, I think, some dog shit in the living room.
I rode an alaia within a pack of SUPers the other day. It was like sailing a dinghy through a fleet of supertankers.
For the sake of our children these sup people should be put on a prison island, segregated from good christian Americans. Oh wait. Nevermind.
I use to stand up paddle board before I grew a pair of nuts and learned to swim. true story
I prefer sit-down paddling in my canoe.
I foresee this SUP World Tour hitting it off successfully… much like the WNBA.
@ F Murray Abrahambone
I heard your mom was heavily recruited by the WNBA. They wanted her to use her as a pulling guard.
And by pulling I mean….. ahh forget it. i can’t stoop this low.
thank good most of those foolios stick to fresh water around here.
You guys missed out on a great opportunity. I just registered . I’m gonna be rich!
I’m gonna patent my $800 carbon fiber stand up paddle design now… I’ll be rich. Shame is the only thing that will cure this menace; remember how many spongers there were in the 80s before 14 year old girls began using “tea-bagger” and “dick-dragger” as a household term. Now only the truly shameless will boogie board.
Lewis needs to change the post surf manifesto “Core Surfers of the World, Unite!” I say Lewis harness the power of PostSurf to start a grass roots organization to rid the world or the barney menace. We need to protest the waterman events.
Possible sign ideas: “SUP… NOT FOR ME” “LARID GO AWAY” “CHARLIE STAND UP SURFS” “CAN’T WE ALL JUST SMOKE A BONG” “RANDY FRENCH FOR PRESIDENT…OF HELL” “WHAT WOULD WARDO DO (PROBABLY BLUDGEON THAT BITCH WITH HER OWN PADDLE)” I’ll start the protest here in Germany at the nearest see mit windsurfenkompetition…
“I can’t stoop this low…”
Sure you can Mark; everyone here has seen that clip of you on Youporn where you won the ‘08 Autofellatio Championships. You’re one limber m’fuckah.
@ F Murray…. you are mistaken, that was Smyrna Jeff… Mark was fluffing the competitors backstage. You have to read the credits at the end of the flick, it explains everything.
@Mike
Dammit, you’re right. All those bucktoothed hillbillies from the South look alike.
Geez, we’re already getting snaked by logs taking off on the outside and now SUP ocean liners are snaking the logs- this has to stop!
Mike don’t diss Ocean Beach everyone knows Jack O’Neil invented the wetsuit here and only moved down to Pussy Cruz when his eye got poked out and he lost his mojo. We’ll have to give you a noogie when you follow the SUP world tour up here in October-
I’ve lost all respect for Dave Parmenter. Mr. Intellectual Let Me Tell You What You Should Ride and What the Sport is About. Yeah, don’t ever ride a “retro” board. Ride a plastic canoe from REI.
You were beaten to the punch Lewis:
If I didn’t know any better I’d suspect plagiarism…
great, now I have a troll too… Hi Mark.
Bros, don’t be so uptight about sharing our Mother Ocean. There’s sooo many waves to go around. Just chill. You know? And if you haven’t tried SUPing yet . . . dude . . . don’t get me started. It’s one of the most chill aquatic activities I’ve ever endeavored to . . . wait . . . ever endeavored . . . that’s a lyric waiting to be born . . . whoa . . . I think I just birthed it. Anyway, dude, seriously, trust me, it’s so BOMB!!! There’s nothing like the sweet smell of SUP brine on the old moustachio. Lates!
I’m not Mark, I’m the man in the mirror Stu. I post on here when you’re asleep.
But if I’m asleep, wouldn’t you be too? Or are you more of a bizarro-world Stu, operating exactly opposite of of me?
@ The Real Stu
I have been on the road for 3 hours running errands. I may have an alias or three but I have too much pride to comment as you buddy.
Lewis needs to do something about this.
LMAO that Ocean Beach is hosting a S.U.P world tour event! I would be so pissed if I lived there. I feel for you and your shrinking beach. But I’m still laughing at your expense. Seriously though, what is the connection between this League of SeaMonkeys® and S.F. anyway? Or, are you just taking it up the a$$ from a group of complete outsiders?
SUP (Simple Update Protocol) is a simple and compact “ping feed” that web services can produce in order to alert the consumers of their feeds when a feed has been updated.
What does this have to do with Surfing?
I am working on a prototype Stand Up Boogiboard (SUB). Much more compact than the SUPs. I got them to about 6′2 right now. I might be able to get to 5′11 by increasing the thickness a tad. Let me know if you re interested. I accept pre-orders.
I was just saying hi, Mark. Either that, or jumping to the same, apparently incorrect, assumption you always do when you have a troll… I didn’t know there was 3 hours of road in Hawaii?
@sunsetmessiah
Bryce Ellis is in the Yamba area of NSW. He surfs a bit here and there. He does something in the real estate game, either agent or appraiser.
Yep, Ted, wasn’t including Jen in the ‘Meatwad’ category. I want her for my sex slave and I’d use that paddle to give her the spanking she deserves for ever getting on one of those SUP wankercraft.
And I’m with Shreddy Roosevelt. REI canoe, love it!
Thanks Lewis- I’ve been waiting for you to delve into this travesty. Oarons are like aids except when you punch the aids virus theyd on’t call a lawyer.Now they have some stupid magazine that shouldn’t even exist save for the fact that its readers have found a way to bypass the hard fought stages of surfing that all of us have had to go through. Surfing self esteem? They’ll never have it. They are Oarons, not surfers.They are the drag queens of the surfing- they want you to think they are surfers, they want to look like surfers, but they are just clowns, the laughing stock of every lineup. They are oblivious to respect and ettiquette-Most Oarons who plunk down $1500 think they are now entitled to waddle into any lineup and have a Becker given right to fall and lose their floating sidewalk on any set that they can oar into. After all, Laird does it, and he’s their messiah.
Lewis- we need a voice for the revolution and I nominate you!
I’ll continue to do my work in the lineup spreading ill will to all these stick bearing aliens. I hate them. Shouldn’t all surfers?
Is this now a political Blog???
Socialist Unity Party
i don’t want to hurt nobody but I will kill somebody in front of there own momma for associating my name in any way shape or form with mutha fuckin s.u.p.s
I’m souling out bro’s and bro-ettes. Fuck SUPing. That shit is so last year. I’m making a new genre call SUA. I can’t take credit for its inception, but damnit, I’m taking it to the masses. Stand Up Alaia’s. The ultimate in soul and watermanology. Fins are for the weak. And you must carve your paddle from a tree out in the forest, its paramount that it be a large and aged tree (your choice of what type), preferably older than 100 years to give that extra slice of soul into your Stand Up Alaia experience. I hate you all.
Surfers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your snakes
same article written 2 days ago. nice one lewis.
Still anyone who sups in waves over waist high can get fucked
Suppies are clogging up the surf zone on boats.
If it has a paddle, it belongs in either a marina, or far out at sea. Out of the surf line up.
Suppies blow.
And Titus? He looks to be frothing around the corners of his mouth.
Similar to a guy with early dementia.
SeaDonkeys®
Suck it. Tijuana style.
@Suppie Suck- don’t diss Titus, he’s just trying to support his Hawaiian heritage although they probably didn’t SUP in the old days. But I respect Titus because remember as a grom seeing he and a couple of other boys surfing Hanalei (the right) at 10-12 hawaiian freight trains down the reef, the break is usually sectiony but it was off the chart, super big cajonnes-
plagarism sucks. Tijuana style.
@ not another Mark….. so what someone surfed well one day, respect for life? Reads like Mark.
@ Not another mark
Can you change your name please? I get enough heat on my own without people associating your comments with me then subsequently punching me out in the water.
I am a good looking guy and would like to remain that way.
P.S. Titus rips on any board he rides.
meatwad rips on any bun he rides
I think Suppies Suck was just pointing out the fact that Titus was drooling a bit in that vid.
And it wasn’t frothing over a Suppie board. He was actually drooling like a Alzheimer’s patient.
I’m so glad we don’t have to deal with this crap up here (see drexnefex @2:22pm). Although I have to admit that I would love to see the S.U.P world tour invade certain localized breaks up here. Those WaterMonkeys look pretty tough and I’m sure they could hold their own. What’s a waterman if he doesn’t know how to fight over waves? They should rename themselves, “The Justice League of Super-WaterHeros” and only hold contests at gnarly methed out localized spots around the world. The ensuing clashes would be ones for the ages. I’m not sure who I would root for at the end of the day. But that’s what would make it so engaging. Who wouldn’t pay money to watch the Super-WaterHeros duke it out with the boys at Ft. Point, Seaside etc…?
Hi, I’m a real waterman. This sport is so cool, and so am I. My new SUP is 92 ft long and takes 6 watermen to crew it. Donovan and I use to rescue whales when I’m not catching open ocean swells 400 miles off the continental shelf. I have a theatre onboard so Jen, Tom, Matthew, and Pierce can watch their movies. I can’t wait to get to sunny OB, I hear everyone is super friendly and I bet they can’t wait to see some real watermen ripping up those sweet Noriega barrels. Don’t worry, we’ll be setting aside some time for autographs so you can tell your buds you met a real waterman.
If you put all ‘true watermen’ in a room together, I’m reasonably sure the only sounds you’d hear would be roughly equivalent the grunting and scratching that emanates from a gorilla’s cage at the zoo.
Laird: “Oooouurrrggghhh. Arrruugggaahhh. Uggg, Dave Kalama, you are soooo tan and fit… did you eat an extra rice cake for dinnerrrrraahhhggghh!”
Poto: “Ahhhbahhbahhbahhbahh. Bahhhh. Me like Chopes. Me eat barnacles off Laird’s big toe. Raaawwrrghhh!”
Jennifer Anniston: “Uhhhhh, yeaaaahhh baby… uhhhh-huhhh. This one time, Brad Pitt tickled my taint with his earlobe and my subsequent fart blew the highlights out of his hair. Ohhh, yeeeaahhhh.”
Blasphemy Rottmouth: “Thanks Jennifer, I just came in my pants.”
Lets bury our petty differences, come and be a part of ASsUPP.
‘Sup BR?
I’m worried that I might spew on my laptop if I read another word from ‘Kanga.
Blasph is blowing it working the surf blog angle, Hollywood is waiting. Maybe you could bring Lewis along as a protege’. Nah, you’re right, not enough talent. Gotta watch what becomes an entourage.
Dave Kalama: “Whoooogahhh. Laird sure have hell of a wingspan. And him haircut by bowl make me think of little toe-heads unnaturally… MRO FOO GAAAAHHHH BRRRR GMMMM PRYRRRR! FOO GAAAAHHHHH! ARROOOOO FOO! YEAHHHHHHH BRRRRRRR!”
Blasphemy Rottmouth: Until now, I hadn’t realized those were the actual words and not just the distortion being fed through my blown Fender® Amp.
Laird: “Duhhhhrgg, I’m gonna hug you and squeeze you and kiss you and pet you and name you Elmer…”
Poto: “Me name not Elmer, it Poto. I tink you just crack me clavicle.”
They are here to stay and developing into mean machines fast. Really useful cross training for when the waves are shit too!
Oh and I think Luke Egan is still pretty capable of getting his share of waves on his shortboard!
check this out. this week there´s a sup world cup in hamburg of all places. some germans start paddeling these boats on rivers and lakes. as long they don´t show up in the line-ups, it´s ok, there are already more than enough kooks in the water here.
Lewis, why did you have to become a Twitter fluke? Bummed me out. Twitter, mint chocolate ice cream, hot tea and little dogs are very suspect. I still dig your writing and I like the way Knost rides a traditional longboard so it’s all good what you guys do on your on time. Good call on Bacalsco at Supers Mark. Parsons and the union still haven’t decided which format to run on the opening lay day? Has to be a bit frustrating for vet’s and rookies alike.
I live in Florida for good it seems again after moving back from Hawaii and not traveling enough so I’m gay involuntarily without sucking or licking anything. Gotta admit it’s smart of Bonga and those guys since long shortboarding isn’t as popular as it was. Stoked Tudor hasn’t fagged out and jumped on that wack bandwagon. Funny that SUP- ing started as a way for the lazy Waikiki beachboyz not to get their cig’s wet while wearing Aloha shirts and doing surf lessons. That’s when it was cool as fuck.
what an excelent media publication, congrats for the author; nerdies, celebs, dudes n biatches - stay off the rippable line ups, go to some lake or a river fkn damn
So when this tour starts to gain some popularity will they have events at some of the up and comming SUP locations?
I can see a entire midwest qualifying series where you will be judged on your boat wake SUP’ing and paddle twirling skills.
The top “Watermen” from the midwest will be calling out the old guard from the islands. There will be a changing of the guard and the SUP world will never recover.
How creepy is Sean Holmes ?!
LMFAO of the aftermath of “This sport is going to be out of control”. FAIL
@Rchbzz
What do you mean “stuck” in Florida? This place is KILLER!
What’s wrong with SUPs you guys? I like them and ride them every chance I get. Yes, some people look at me funny in the water but people look at me funny anyway. They are so much fun!! Nothing like striking poses with my paddle while I’m speeding down the line. And if anybody says anything, I twirl my paddle like a nunchuck, a kung fy weapon of many uses and that makes them shut the fuck up. I can also catch air on my SUP and strike amazing poses with my paddle while in the air. And I’m also quitting transworld and joining the tour, so that you know…
100! You sniveling man-yogurt garglers.
Cote owes Mark a royalty…. that phrase “quitting” is tradeMarked. Not surprised though, Chris and Scott can swap inside secrets while appearing innocent at Seaside. Two street sweepers, a sunset and the eventual cocktail at the Chart House. One with a mini umbrella.
True watermen live on isolated islands of the Chesapeake, spaeke with olde english accents and hunt the dreaded blue claw crab.
Mark at 9:56 not me.
Hey Chris, I have a great idea! Why don’t you dedicate an entire issue to SUPing?!?!? As editor, you rip on one so create the ultimate street sweeper edition. Your readers will be so appreciative of this new direction, you’ll take the industry by storm.
Wow. Then you don’t have to quit because you can write the “behind the scenes backstage at the contest” bullshit that all the SUP’ers want, no need to know! Another gratuitous worshipping of Laird, Paddle tips and some vintage Waikiki Beach Boy homage. That’s enough editorial, now your editors will only have to work overtime superimposing Scott Bass into the air… maybe a sequence proving the first Rodeo Flip with a paddle planted in the lip facilitating the manuever. Mark’s God bless photo shop.
One political question…. Obama received allowance from Russia to supply our troops through Soviet territory, a concession sold as a great compromise.
Who else thought of General Custer when they read that?
The US expends/exhausts itself in another undefined war in Afghanistan while the economy drifts steadily into Goldman Sach’s hands and at what point will we be so vulnerable.
For you kids out there, DO NOT ENLIST IN THE NATIONAL GUARD.
My apologies boys, back to regular programming…….fuckery
order now….with every purchase of a new SUP you get three ab ripppin’ C.D.s.. this is $120 value for free if you act fast. but wait that’s all, hold everything, if you order now you’ll also get a copy of “how to surf like a pro in two weeks” and the waterman’s proven butts and guts diet plan to help you get ripped and toned for the surf zone. this offer wont last so act now…
Ha !! S.U.P. riders got more waves than you !! Grovel on bitches !!
Mark at 10:08 is not me. Sorry for the confusion.
We were totally confused.
Nice one Mike. And I personally thank you.
Just as those San Fran Grannie panty loopster who banned military recruiters from campuses, subsequently shooting themselves in the foot as throngs of young patriots went right down to their local recruitment office to check it out for themselves what loopy left told them no no little boys and girls, loopster knows best now…. Mike does the same lame here on PostSurf!
Semper Fildelis. Carry on.
SgtMajMarCor Carlton W. Kent
Yea, Suppies got more waves than us.
Just like a fat load of an fartknocker gets more at the all you can eat buffet.
Who’s down with SUP?
YEAH YOU KNOW ME!
Who’s down with SUP?
YEAH YOU KNOW ME!
Nice one Shreddy! That’s now gonna be stuck in my head when I surf Town later today. Yeah you know me!
the real mark.
im the real Mark, yes im the real Mark and i say whos the real mark please stand up , please stand up.
(as i stand up)
im the real mark
Riding SUPs is almost as lame as posting on Internet Blogs.
Wait, I think I just did something lame.
I just watched those trailers for the first time and I can’t believe Lewis was as easy on that shit as he was. Michael Bay directed those shits for sure. OUT OF CONTROL! Lewis’s definition of a waterman couldn’t be more true. Post Surf in the zone again.
@ fake Mark
Town is flat. And so is your mom’s chest even though that didn’t stop F. Murray Abrahambone from feelin her up.
http://postsurf.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/sup1.jpg
anything that gets more women out in the water must be acknowledged to have some redeeming merit.
GO DANE !
SUP’s are a good way to keep your sandwich dry whilst pretending you’re not burning the whole damned lineup.
Conversely, SUPers are much easier to shoot with a pellet gun from the beach.
One of your finest pieces Lewis.
Wasn’t Sean Holmes that 70’s porn star who died from aids?
Last decent south out at Magnolia street. Late afternoon… 4-6 feet and howling sideshore… Rode my SUP… No sixteen year old fuck kooks on local shaper suck sticks getting swept down the beach in 3 mile an hour current like a fucking German tourist at Yosemite who got a little too close to the river… oh yeah, except the one I rescued from the rip. Other than the drowning rat, I was the only guy out… but I suck ’cause I was on an SUP. Every tool has its time dipshits.
I forgot to mention, my SUP is 7′6″.
@ Miley read the article, very interesting. I have become rather bored with the SUP topic,so I think I will go take my small fluffy puppy for a walk, then head down to 333 for a few cocktails, followed by grabbing my hot pink Boogie board and heading for the lineup…if you see me be sure to wave.
@ CaliGirl
Why don’t you fly on over here and boogie board goat island? You can pet my dog Eddie and then we can look at the Drudge Report together and drink budweiser and listen to Molly Hatchett.
My top 3 songs to get amped for good waves.
#3 “Paradise City” by Guns and Roses.
#2 “Trampled Under Foot” by Led Zeppelin.
#1 “It’s Only Rock and Roll” by the Rolling Stones.
“What is this fuckery?!!” ..man i crack up everytime when i come across that saying on this site,
Tim Reyes wins J-Bay and joins the title hunt with a semifinal at Lowers.
This fuckery is mostly about my mom.
“And I like it I like it, yes I do!”
And the cuntery is mostly about me.
@ fake mark 3:51 and 3:53
I know this is you Lewis. Don’t you have enough aliases already without commenting as me?
BTW Lewis I am curious. If the tour comes down to Pipe and the North Shore has a stellar season and there are multiple title contenders cruising the aisles at Foodland are you going to come over for a bit?
I am sure you will be welcomed with open arms. But just in case you might want to work on a will.
” I, Lewis Samuels, in sound body and mind, bequeath most of my assets to my dog and my boards go to Matt Warshaw. Because those are the only 2 souls in the world who give a shit about me. Oh yeah and that 40 year old barrel virgin guy too.”
I hate to be mean bro but don’t be surprised if you end up all alone when you are old. Kind of like those dried up queens you see down at the free clinic in the Castro.
If you continue to do nothing but belittle people and comment under other peoples names then that is the future you can expect Lewis.
I can see nobody’s really taken to heart what I wrote yesterday, and that saddens me . . . deeply. Maybe if I tell you a story about how SUPing can touch lives, you’ll heed my sage advice.
So, anyway, one day after a super chill jam sesh with Matisyahou, I decided I was going to go for a little SUP tour around some of the inspiring coves near my home in Laguna Beach. It was a beautiful day, so I threw on my cut-off jean shorts, a short-sleeved, collared, button-down, terry cloth Kensington shirt I still have in my closet from when I was in the third grade–I love that shirt now more than ever because I kind of look like the guy from the Kensington logo!–my favorite floppy, tasseled leather hat, and the finless SUP my shaper, Jeff Lausch, shaped for me. The thing’s INSANE!!! It has an airbrush of the Pringles guy wearing shades and a bandana, ’cause I kind of look like him too! Anyway, so I’m all ready to jet out the door, and my cell rings . . . it goes “Free! Free! Free! Free!” . . . and I’m all, “Dude, who’s calling me at a time like this?” It turns out it was Jesse Billauer. So, I answered and I’m all, “Yeah! Jesse, my brother! How’s it rollin’?” And he’s like, “Pretty good, Donnie. How ’bout you?” And I’m just, “Stylin’ my man! Stylin’! I’m about to go for a SUP and explore some of the nuggety little coves around Lagoony. Care to join a brother?” And Jesse’s like, “Yeah. Whatever dude. Funny.” And then I remembered that my man Jesse can’t really SUP; so, I was like, “Dude, c’mon, I wasn’t being a dick. I’m serious! Meet me at Agate and I’ll throw you on the nose of my board and paddle you around the joint!” It was quiet for what seemed like longer even than one of my songs, but finally Jesse was like,” Seriously dude? You’d do that for me?” I have to admit, I hadn’t really planned for it, but I was getting like all misty-eyed right on the spot and all choked up and shit and I was all, “Brother Jesse, I’d be prouder than Mary to paddle you around!” So, that was it! We were on! I grabbed an extra pair of cut-off Wranglers, a killer vee-neck White Shadow t-shirt–remember that show!?!–my favorite Easy Rider motor cycle helmet–you know, the red, white, and blue American Flag kind–and loaded my truck to meet Jesse at Agate. After we had Jesse all outfitted, I threw him on the front of my board and paddled around every little cove in Laguna. There were so many awesome things that happened that day–like when I had to paddle over a set at Rockpile and Jesse fell off the nose of my board but managed to stay afloat until I circled the Pringle mobile back around to scoop him up and realized that even though he hit his head on the rocks at second reef multiple times, he was still smiling and the helmet wasn’t even scratched!! Or, the time when I was switching my paddle over to the other side, I swept him overboard, he landed feet first on an urchin and didn’t even feel it!–but nothing was as awesome as when we were back on land and Jesse teared up when I gave him my paddle to keep as a souvenir from the day. So, there you have it. I hope now you’ll see SUPing as an activity that can bring joy to people’s lives. Peace!
Oh yeah and I guess Warshaw will probably get your Toyota Prius too.
@ Donovan 4:17 pm
Not funny you stupid dirtbag!
Movie in the making? its perfect…
Brilliant (see above link). Seaman Staines one step ahead of the pack. Cheers!
@ ‘Donovan’ 4:17 pm
I think we would all agree that having a go at people given the choices they make in life is fair game. Likewise, I’m sure I speak for everyone reading when I say the rest of that was out of bounds. You don’t have to try so hard to be liked.
@Tim Ryan: yer a keeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooook.
This sounds like the rant of a bunch of small weenie chip riders that can’t comprehend the notion that there’s more than one way to ride waves, and that the world is already full of lay-down poser kooks that are a hazard to all in the line up. Quit your crybaby whining already. SUP surfing is here to stay.
GOAT ISLAND? i am the real mark and would not be surfing goat island with all those byu kids. gimme a break. that not real mark up there claiming he’ll go drink some buds and surf goat island is some byu kook
What’s up Post Surf!
Hey Lewis don’t clown these guys too hard. They made a decision to S.U.P. and they can live with it. No regrets.
Unlike us at the Billabong Pro at Waimea.
Mark @ 5:22
????????????????????????????????????????????
Mark @ 5:30
it means get a job
or post under a different alias. its getting old
Mark at 5:58 and 5:59 is the real mark. trust me. i am his friend. would i lie? no. i wouldn’t. because i am his friend
Mark @ 4:12.
Please baby, please! Chirp up brother. Leave Lewis the Legend alone you fucking fuckwit.
Peace, Mark
I think Lewis just ran me off of his site.
Aloha Post Surf.
Shreddy,
That was original. No play on the word “tool?” I set you up for that one. Clearly this sand box (or at least the space in which Shreddy sits) is reserved for the “special” kids.
TMR
Posting under other people’s names/monikers is lame. Fake Mark, give it a rest. If you want to have a rip, just be up front. Like this, “Orange County is full of douchebags. Tim Ryan lives in Orange County. Therefore, Tim Ryan is a douchebag.” See, not so hard.
this isn’t lewis. this is mark. fake mark, how old are you and what part of hawaii do you live in?
Stab Dozen
#12.
Surfline’s power rankings.
After sacking the Postsurf.com author for writing weird lipstick commo stuff about Billabong, Surfline employed Ian Cairs, Matt Griggs and Jason Borte to comment on the Top 45: Not as as sterile you’d think. The humour and the subtlety of phrase have gone, but they’re not afraid to throw a little dirt around: “Tommy’s forehand technique is terrible,” says Matt Griggs about Tom Whitaker. About Jeremy Flores he says: “His surfing can be disjointed. He tends to do multiple bottom turns, which shows a lack of commitment and technique. At this level, you should be able to make it to the top of the wave in one turn. This is pretty basic stuff.”
“Weird lipstick commo stuff.” Wow, didn’t know THAT about this Lewis character. I guess I’m fraternizing with a Communist? And a Jewish one at that.
Scab Magazine seems to be the epicenter of modern surf journalism - as you can tell by the hard hitting dirt throwing above - but can’t get the spelling right on Ian Cairns’ name, even though he was once an Australian. Northern Beaches Fashion Poodles.
Tom Whits better move from the Southern Beaches if he wants Matt Briggs’ approval. After all, Matt was such a winner. But at least he’s not sterile. Well, as far as we know.
@Tim Ryan My SUP is a 5.5″ sesame bagel. Just thought you needed to know.
@West Side: Watch your words. Some of my best friends are weenie chips.
It makes me so dad when mark quits… i feel like ricky schroeder in The Champ
Lol @ Tim Ryan’s webpage.
Mark @ 6:22.
Cry me a river you handsome 40-something overall nice guy. We all know you’re addicted to this bullshit and the musings of the man you woefully and incompetently attempt to bring down. We all know that won’t happen, and frankly, we don’t want you leaving. You’re kind of like the mascot on this site. A mascot that would love nothing more than scoring COTW.
Now, what we DO want, is to have a laugh. Lighten up and go get in the beautiful blue water a stone throw from where you and your chick live. Sounds like you you have a pretty nice life over there. Aloha.
P.S. The other fake Mark is a true fuckwit. Love that guy.
so how many fake marks are there?
***************Next***************
Wow, I thought maybe Tim Ryan the lawyer was instead TR the board shaper from Malibu. I should have known better since I know all.
What’s up Lewis? I have been in Paraguay on business and haven’t noticed what is happening on P.S. and in the pro surfing world.
But I am back now and have a week or so off to surf and check out the J-Bay contest.
Let the games begin!
@ Donavon
That was over the edge, dude. You’re a dick. You better watch yourself, for behind each corner of every cove you SUP around, I might be there to clothesline you with my…………………..
‘I know….it’s only Ala Mo but i like it like it yes I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@ Tim Ryan
I wrote you off as a clown, but then you threw down with the 7′6″….. Wow, dude, so gnarly bro and at Maggie of all spots. Short board Street Sweepers are so rad that you can call out shortboarders!
Hey Cote, interview this dim fuck for the SUP issue. “Hey Tim Ryan, do you have training wheels on your bike?”. TR: “Yeah, but my bike is a dirt bike, not a cruiser”. “Ok, but you have traing wheels…” Cote will read like Mike Wallace.
@Mike,
In all honesty, I believe Tim may have meant Magnolia, Seattle. As PacNW can surely attest, when it’s 4-6 feet, ‘American style,’ in the Puget Sound… all bets are off. Not for the faint of heart. No sir. Only for the truest and most hardcore watersports men. And by watersports, I mean sweet, sweet Cytherea.
In conclusion, cut the cock some slack. He gets hard when he throws out the numbers 4 and 6 as ‘above average.’
Now… about those ‘traing’ wheels…
And by ‘cock,’ I meant TMR.
Also know affectionately by his loving parents as Too Much Ridalin.
Magnum Samuels, Tim was claiming Huntington. Though your measurements may prove correct….alone in his sandbox.
Please apologize to bob Dobbs for my spelling issues.
Hey Fidel,
You’re back from the trip away from the internet next to the best pointbreak in Centro? Did you meet Allen Weisbecker? That would’ve been pretty zen. Any surf stars down there? I like Jordy, but his nipples are kind of close.
Mahalo, Mark
Attention all,
This just streamed across the newsbar at CNN - Mark’s favorite network:
Tim Ryan once SUP’d into full-throttle Typhoon Lagoon while saving a drowning albino toddler with the tails of his clam-digger board shorts; all before he miraculously was able to simultaneously rape a pair of water-wings that belonged to a blind one-legged boogie boarder, who mistakenly dropped in on him as he tucked his 4”-6” paddle into a gaping 3 foot mushburger as it crashed violently onto the epoxied floor of the pool.
Dear Lewis,
You’re so cool and I think that black eye gives you character. Even though you sip latte’s, I know you love pro surfing as much as I do. Jordy is so ready to take the thrown and dreamy. Dane is so ambivilant…. and moody. Kolohe is on the rise…so much to keep abreast of. Pro surfing is so dramatic.
The pro’s are so rad, thanks for informing us with your incredible literature. I think Kekao is poised to get past the 2 round, what do you think? Imagine if Parko and Steph G had a baby?! Would it be more famous than the 3 kids Michael Jackson didn’t have?????
Jeff Smyrna agrees with me, the cornbread in Mississippi is the best.
Fuck Stu, ban him for life and that’s it, I QUIT!
@M.Q.M
Ahh yes, gentle Magnolia, Seattle. A quiet flower of neighborhood. While I have never S.U.P’d her wild shores, I have indeed snowboarded her majestic peaks.
I hate you Lewis.
But you are one funny son of a gun.
And so are all of your “friends”.
I would rate M I crooked letter crooked letter I hump back hump back i’s cornbread about third actually behind Georgia and, naturally, my beloved home of A L A B A M A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obviously, SOMEONE is far drunker than I.
Guess I’ll cancel that appointment with AA tomorrow.
@ F. Murray Abrahambone @ 11:06 p.m.
Let er rip tater chip!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya’ll sound like a bunch of Pacsun kook-posers starving for attention around here.
Don’t forget to hate !!
1.Spongers
2.Longboarders
3.kayaks
4.Funboarders
I’ll run your cry-baby kook ass over lator !!
@ donovan….. brilliant
@ Donovan thru Mark, brilliant
@ Mark thru Mike, brilliant.
i don’t know who this other Mark is because i am the original fake mark. sorry mark. i am done. from now on it is this other “fake” mark guy. good run.
I don’t care what internet posturing you pro oaron ass lickers spout, this is war and where I live all the SURFERS (n. the sport of riding waves by paddling into them using the arms, and not a fucking oar) are banding together and dedicating this summer to a campaign of ill will, confrontations and guerilla tactics to any floating sidewalks invading our lineups. You want to paddle by in the kelp beds, look at all the nice fish and pretend you are a gondolier- so be it. We will wave to you and wish you well. But if you so much as point that down payment on a riverside foreclosure anywhere near a set wave, the shortboarding militia will spring into action. By the way, we are recruiting longboreders too.
Fuck you Oarons. You could have shown respect and etiquette, but you didn’t because you don’t understand the first thing about surfing. I guess those LAIRD models don’t come with an instruction manual, only a ribbed for your pleasure oar grip.
Surfing will always protect its own. Oarons- go back to the golf course, they are really missing you at the club.
And Cote- you are a fucking sell out. You used to bash oarons, now you you display the latest floating sidewalks in your surfboard section. Another one bites the oar- pity. What a poser you are.
Every so often a new face pops up around Postsurf. No Oars is a familiar read. Keep writing.
Hey No Oars just Whores: I will look for you and your guerrilla pals and make a point of running you the fuck over. You want war, you got it, dickhead.
Bring it on westside. Where do you sweep? Perhaps you can wear maids outfits since you are all so gay and the joke of the lineup.
Do you realize how lame you all are? The fuuniest thing is you think oaring involves skill. Calling yourselves watermen is hysterical! Watermen have etiquette and respect, you goons are a safety hazard.
Don’t show respect- then you get taught it fast! If you knew anything about surfing, you would know this.
No oars, you’d fall on your ass and drown if you tried SUP surfing, that’s why you’re so afraid. I’ve been surfing for over 30 years and don’t need a limp dick punk like you preaching respect, so watch your panzy little mouth or I’ll rip your little plastic fins off and choke you with them. Your big mouth, narrow mind and wuss body is going to put you in the ER.
like I said bring it on. Where do you sweep?
@west side: “Dude, i know what i’m doing. I’ve been surfing for thirty years.” Well, the village idiot may try for thirty years to become smart but it doesnt mean he will be successful, ey? Surfing for 30 years doesn’t mean you’re any less of a kook now then the day you started. the 30 year kook syndrome is everywhere, and now they’re sweeping. in fact, the suggestion that it takes any skill to SUP reveals that you are actually more of a kook now then when you started surfing. still the village idiot.
hahaha. the SUP world tour video looks like jurassic park meets survivor. i was waiting for jeff probst to come out and introduce a host of normal surfers that might have the chance of surviving an onslaught of blade like paddles and small barges all manned by has been dinosaurs in the dramatic tropical setting of hawaii.
Lewis, OB? How can I help?
we really need to keep these comments going and not let this post die. I so generously asked westside to tell me where he sweeps and he has refused to post. As I recall, he threatened to send me to the ER.
Right now, I am so frightened that I can barely type because internet tough guys, especially Oarons who are finally realizing that they are the laughing stock and joke of every lineup, so I am begging you to let me apologize in person- Mr Lairdwannbe.
As for your amazing thirty years of surfing, I must tell that I have you beat there by a decade. But unlike you who probably couldn’t take the kids who rip and decided you would take your revenge on genetics and those young fuckers by purchasing a floating sidewalk and becoming a wave hog and safety hazard, I have chosen to remain on my shortboard and stay strong and feisty. To me surfing has always been about ripping, pushing it never giving in. You give up in the lineup, you start dying on land. You want to stand straight? Fine, just put down the oar. Step away from the oar. You don’t need that oar, man.
You don’t realize just how gay you are. Waterman? Sure you are, you and Richard Simmons.
So let me know where you sweep and perhaps I can bring a mirror to show you how sad and defeated you are. You can be a surfer again, you can I promise. But not with an oar, not now, not ever.
Attempt to mount the rig and proceed to dunk. He will defend himself with the cry of Waterman and Kings but keep at him. If he hits you with the thing I am your witness. I have your back. We also have plans in place for this fucking world tour bullshit. OB is not an janitor friendly place.
Attempt to mount the rig and proceed to dunk. He will defend himself with the cry of Waterman and Kings but keep at him. If he hits you with the thing I am your witness. I have your back. We also have plans in place for this fucking world tour bullshit. OB is not a janitor friendly place.
It’s great that we are able to receive the and that opens up completely new chances.
Cool…great to hear more about my absolute favorite celerbrity. Thanks for the great info. Kudos!
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