Editor's note: This guest post comes from Gra Murdoch, whose site , is a, um, well, a goldmine. Mr. Murdoch graciously crafted the following news article especially for PostSurf. Take a look at his article after this - it's a rare example of a surf piece that manages to be funny and insightful without being cruel.
'Pacific Solution' Proposed To Reclaim Ocean to Pristine Glory.
Thursday 9th July, Oceanic Survey Institute, Berkeley California – Scientists and Ecologists are proposing a radical solution to the 100 million tons of plastic waste circulating in what's known as the North Pacific Gyre.
“It's estimated that there are 46,000 pieces of plastic, most no bigger than a penny, floating on every square mile of the North Pacific, which is devastating marine life,” says the Institute's head of research Sylvia Watson.
“We intend to deploy squadrons of Sweepers – otherwise known as Stand Up Paddlers – to clean this up, square meter by square meter...”
The controversial proposal comes on the back of the institute's annual blue-sky-ideas summit at the OCI, where left-field thinking is encouraged.
“It's refreshing to run unconventional concepts up the flagpole and not have them immediately torn down by economists, analysts and bureaucrats” says Dr. Ken Yager, who has been modeling the Pacific Solution concept in his backyard pool in Ventura County.
Dr Yager, himself an enthusiast of the conventional 'short' surfboard, says the idea came to him one morning as he arrived at his local break to find 'an army' of Stand Up Paddlers edging towards the surf zone.
“My first reaction was that these people belonged elsewhere – perhaps far out to sea where they could do no harm – so as not to blight the inshore seascape.
“It didn't take long to reconcile their inane – some say janitorial – paddling motion with the environmental crisis that's looming over the literal and metaphorical horizon.”
According to Dr Yager's scenario, up to 50,000 stand up paddlers would be dispatched from numerous motherships in two classic 'vee' formations, one sweeping west to east, the other east-west, and meeting mid-ocean in a classic pincer movement to create a 'small island' of plastic for removal.
Though critics of the plan are skeptical that 50,000 Stand Up Paddle-Sweeper volunteers could be found and mobilized, Dr Yager is confident of attaining volunteer numbers for the program, suggesting that Stand Up Paddlers would respond well if the request was framed in an appealing context.
“Basically, if you call for help with a vital environmental program they'd run a mile, but tell 'em it's a chance to join the 'Vanguard of A Waterman Eco-Warrior Collective' and they'll fall over themselves in the rush to sign up.
“As empty a catch-cry as it is laughable, the sheer word 'Waterman' is catnip for these people.”
The scientific community remains divided over phase two of Yager's Pacific Solution, which involves vaporizing both the collected rubbish and 50,000 sweepers with a single nuclear blast.
“Ah yes, the nuclear option, I was waiting for that line of inquiry,” chuckled Dr Yager. “But let's keep things in context – this was a blue-sky ideas summit where radical ideas were there to be heard.
“It's unlikely a mid-ocean thermonuclear blast would be accepted by the international community. And though an irradiated ocean might be a fair price to pay for the final eradication of such annoying and useless detritus, it would be a shame to lose all that potentially recyclable plastic.”
When asked about the fate of the 50,000 Stand Up Paddlers in such a scenario, Dr Yager smiled and repeated slowly “what part of 'annoying ... and ... useless ... detritus' don't you understand?"
--Gra Murdoch,
Where do I send the check?
Currently as the Billabong Pro, Jeffery’s Bay, The Occy lip smacking fest is on and in full effect.
If he can keep up the rhythm of smacking his lips every 10 seconds like he’s sucking on some blokes dick, and carry it over to his heat with Tom Curren, he should have it, so to speak, in the bag.
Absolutely brilliant. Nice work mate.
Anyone else think Dean looks like Tom Hanks from Castaway?
anyone want to sup with me? Or SUPper on my vag?
This contest is gonna be dreamy.
Where do I sign up to volunteer?
what a shit contest in j-bay, i rather have “shit waves” like in Brazil, but therefore a fair battle…
Funny stuff. After reading the above post, I was feeling good about not being a jackass SUP’er. Proud of fighting for my place in the line up without the aid of a paddle or even an extra 6″ of board. Damn proud to be a surfer! Than I read the “disabled women” post and feel like a complete asshole again. Damn, sometimes I really hate us. Mr Samuels, Mr Murdock, Thanks for keeping everyone in check..
Onwards and downwards.
Cheap Shit Freddie P, Have a nice flight back to the open air prison.
I just watched the interview with Kekoa Bacalso. I can think of few worse things than dedicating your life to surfing, cross training like a mad man, showing up early to j bay to get your boards dialed and get comfortable on the wave, eschewing drinking and drugs, surfing well, then getting smoked by a kid who goes to the post heat interview and says: “I’m glad that wave barrelled, cuz if I had had to do turns, there is no way I would have gotten an eight!”. A lot of different conclusions can be drawn from his flippancy and overall lack of professionalism, but he’s easily the most likable guy on tour and one helluva surfer to boot. Even if he is only good for about two and a half waves.
Dave Mailman, what constitutes interference?
@ Mike Wow. That was breathtakingly stupid of him. If he would have won that heat, it would have been very interesting to see what would have happened afterwards. Karma is a bitch. Can’t wait to see his video apologizing for it. Maybe he thought Kai was a homeless guy who floated out into the surf. What lame excuse will he come up with? That said, Kai was not surfing well, lucky he got that barrel.
Was Mr M Picon ripped off though? Very close.
@ Ted Kekoa is very fucking funny. He rips too, but his inner fat man is a little too close to coming out.
Perfect, I would like to see ‘the solution’ applied to all seas and oceans of the planet! Exterminate! Exterminate!
Fred P. did whatever it took. They have rashies on don’t they ? I’m not ozzy.
I’m in negotiations to do a guest post on the US Open of Surfing for Lewis (not really). If Samuels can get me a press credential so I can sit in the shade I’ll do it for a twelver of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
I’ll even take a black eye or two for the team.
Sean Holmes is the man. So long, Muscle Milk Guy!
@Mike. Good question. Will check the rule book and get back to you! If it was Beschen/Slater at Huntington, or TC and Hardman at Narra back in the day, I’d have to say it was Fred’s wave, but thing’s may have changed since then!
@ Dave….. Fred’s wave? Kai was on his feet and engaging his inside rail befor Fred popped up. Kai was paddling in toward shore, Fred was caught inside, swung at the last second. Wow, we saw totally different things.
Fred blazes, why pull a punk move when you have the talent edge?
Please elaborate your vision, seemed pretty damn cut and dry. And how could it be a “No Call”, we all saw it.
I’ve been surfing for 40 years daily and I don’t understand the judging. Didn’t in the three to the beach boredom, don’t now in an age of computers and replay.
Dave got me sidetracked, the disabled girl clowned us all and I am mortified.
And that is one of the many problems with the ASP. The rule book.
With any given event made up of 5% actual surfing, and the other 95% made up of yaking about the surfing, why is it that they employe people who are not only boring, but can barely speak?
Two man, even three man heats are boring. These contests are not really contests. For interests sake, they should be structured like real life surfing.
If many of the people involved are using MMA as an example….. Make this shit interesting. We want to see it like it really is. Hassling, fights, dings, bad blood, cut offs, burning and stuffing, possibly injuries. Just like the real world.
Send all 45 pros all out at once.
And hire some people who can actually converse in a entertaining manner to do the commentary.
Mike, like I said, BACK IN THE DAY, when Beschen was up and riding on a right at HB pier and Kelly took off in the soup behind him, stood up, and Besch copped the interference. Same as TC and Hardman at Narrabeen, with Tom turning around mid duck dive and standing up in the foam just to get the Iceman on interference.
I totally agree, if we were all out in the line-up, law of the ocean would say it was Ottz’ wave. Totally agree that Freddy didn’t need to do that and I think Karma got him back in the end sending Kai that sick little tube under priority…
However, I’ll check the rule book when I get a chance because as you know, what’s in the rule book doesn’t always make sense when applied to reality!
Kelly was scared that day Dave, Besch was on a roll and not impressed with Q9. That was a punk move, agreed.
It’s just funny that as free surfers, we all know clearly the priority and contests can’t figure it out. At least address the situation. With only two guys out, hasseling should not be part of the program.
Man, they’re getting burned for waves again. Another stop on the Dream Tour.
Once again, hold 4 man, one hour heats over 4 days, juggle the lineup participants and score an accumulated victory. The Billabong Challenge comes to mind, were you there, Dave?
Gotta love Kekoa. Style, power and it seems to me the best attitude of everyone. He appreciates where he is at but isn’t letting the pressure show.
Tomorrow should be killer.
OK, I couldn’t cut and paste the exact rule, but basically, that was Kai’s wave. If he had not cut out, he could have ridden the whole wave and got the score! Also, if they’d both ridden the wave together and Freddy didn’t hinder Kai’s scoring potential, then they both would have been scored. Basically, because Kai didn’t know the rule, Freddy faked him into kicking out!
Mike, I was not there, but the contest format at the BB Challenges was great. We used a similar system at the QS Masters and Quik Cup events I was involved in, and they worked great.
Mark, spot on about Kekoa! He’s a classic! And my alarm is set for 6:30 a.m.! Curren and Occy, bring it on!!!
Chapter 8 is what you want to read
Mike - so right. So far this year the dream tour is the QS, not the CT. Between heaving pits in Cape Town, cold mountains in Taz. perfect Ballito and smoking Maldives etc., the guys grinding it out on the QS are scoring while the Dream Tour languishes in merely ok waves comp in and comp out.
Since the boys are just goin’ fast and straight, would it be gay if they wore Lance-like helmets for aerodynamics ? Yes.
Occy vs. Curren @ 10:15 PM Pacific Time
go Dane !
@Dave and Stu
10 events per year, a full month to host each event. Regionally consistent 5 Star waves. It is not too much to have the CT on 3 day standby as the swell models align. “Dear Mr Bacalsco, please be in Jeffrey’s by the 15th of July.” None of us who have the luxury of time book a surf trip without knowing the swell forecast these days. Heck, my trips are planned on one urgent email and a follow up visit to a forecasting site.
These are professionals at the highest level and this is their job. Asking them to be on call is a privilege of good waves.
Tav, West Oz, Carolines, Santa Cruz, Bali/gland, we need formula one race tracks, not the Mundaka’s of the world that turn on occassionally.
Allow the QS to visit the Beach crowd venues…. Bells, HB, Japan, Brazil, Mundaka, etc. The CT should be a televised event in perfect surf, regardless of the beach presence.
Dave, didn’t Occy win the Billabong Challenge at Lances and Macaroni’s? Those DVD’s will sell heaps and the ASP can double down on the contest Merch. But it first has to have control of it’s product.
Don’t know what time 7AM translates from SA to Santa Barbara, but I’ll try to stay awake. I know the replay will be butchered,, so you better see it live!
Oooppps, I mean Tarzana.
Thanks ReB for doing the math.
GT gets worse every time, how can that even be possible, is there a special school somewhere in California that teaches people to be like that? Probably, it’d explain quite a lot. If it wasn’t for the mute button on the broadcasts and my ipod, I don’t think I could watch this and stay even marginally sane.
I do not think GT went to school for broadcsast I could be wrong. I was told by someone that he was the V.P of Marketing for VZ sunnies.
@ What? Been through this before, pay attention in class. Also part owner of said VZ company. Google is your friend.
@ Mailman, props for coming here so often with sane words. And never resorting to referring to the size of your trausersnake.
The big questions about Freddy Pistachio, there is the rules and then there is the spirit of the sport.
@ Mike, the best bit is that Pistachio will probably have hang around to try and gain more credibility for insurfnews…or will he be cracking those mini spirit bottles on the flight back to halfwayhouse island?
@PeterPerfect
I resemble that remark!
Just watched the Tom Curren interview. Either GT stabbed Curren in the dark one night or Curren needs to see a therapist. When Curren says, “It should be fun”, he sounds like a guy going to the gallows. Or on Valium or whatever is the current drug de jour for people in America who don’t feel good about themselves. And when I say ‘people in America’, I mean all of you.
@ trauzersnake you’ll never know how much. You are a dick, in the nicest sense of the word.
@PeterP…. as a jaded fuck cynical mother fucker of a pissed off surfer during a fucked up flat spell from Hell, I, Mike am so fucking amped for the Clash!!!!!
And yeah, rules are made to be broken but Freddie crossed a different line this morning. He’ll spin it as an opportunity to interview dudes that managed to win heats, but he may as easily be home bound with Barca. I like FP’s surfing, too bad he played games and someone needed to call him out. Luke sure sounded pissed.
Got my cold Coors in the fridge, some cabbage rolled and enough chips and salsa to last me to midnight.
Go Curren! ( the worst interview in surfing, btw)
Split screen tonight, Billy Pro and Post surf!
Hey Jiggy Jig, you awake?
Here’s my assesment of the Clash….
Occy has gotten slower, Bobby torched him last year at Supers…. maybe year before. Martinez made Mark look slow. Occ’s gouges were so insane, so much displaced water but as the speed declined, those gouges were done in stages.
Curren remains butter and his surfing will wear much better as time marches.
Come on boys, let’s hear your opinions!
disagree, Mike, but not because Occy’s necessarily surfing better than Curren these days. Rather, it’s clear Curren’s style influenced basically the entire Momentum Generation, who in turn, influenced Jordy, Dane etc. So, in comparison to today’s surfing, Curren looks flat and boring, but only because guys have taken his lines and drawn them more radically. Occy, on the other hand, is pretty tough to copy unless you’re 5′2″ with legs like tree stumps. With nobody taking the Occy style anyplace new, it still looks unique and, in a strange way, more current. Thus, unless Occy boggs, I think he takes Curren unless the judges are looking for something more retro when they score it.
Point taken Stu, it’s gonna be fun.
I see Curren somewhat often and his tube riding is still precise and very technical.
Does anyone know what the tide is doing for the heat?
@ Stu Nice analysis.
@ Dunno Mike, gotta go with Stu on this one. Power surfing never ages. Curren is great to watch but, Stu’s right. Smooth lines verses vertical hacks? Depends on the surf. Oh, and Curran sounds depressed, Occy sounds amped.
@ Mike I’d check the tides but I get a nervous tick typing in ‘Surfline’.
If Kelly’s new tour was formatted in the silly wrestling format….
Kelly vs Andy
Curren vs Occ
Parko vs Fanning
Hobgood vs Hobgood
JOB vs Bruce
Dane vs Jordy
A traveling circus, coming to your town.
As stupid as it sounds, it’s more compelling.
Oh and I’m not Lewis, I just don’t like Christians…
Oh, I’m still not Lewis.
@ Mike, I’d pay for that.
JOB vs Bruce
Dane vs Jordy
Now you’re talking. JOB is ripping, but he gets to select what rides you see. And he reads these comments apparently so…
I’m still not Lewis.
His Twitter is whack, in the funniest, un-politically correct way. And it appears he’s actually read a book or two…
Sorry boys, I’m not buying…
Check the footage of Bobby torching Occy, made him look bad, real bad.
Nice theory of Stu’s though and it makes sense…
Gonna be so fucking fun to watch.
And I know you have to keep up with what’s going on, but checking JOB’s twitter… come on Lewis, you didn’t pay for an education to lower yourself to that. Remember when you told Mailman that he was too good for something? You are too good for that.
Would be sick though, brucie vs JOB in heavy tubes.
OK PS crew, I’ve opened a little file where I am now compiling all of your ideas on how to improve the ASP and the different world tours it runs. Anything good will be submitted to the CEO on a semi-regular basis.
As for Curren vs. Occy, as a fellow Californian I say fuck his shit up, Tom! Bring it back to Cali, baby! Billabong should do this every year! I just hope the swell helps the two of them live up to the hype. If the surf is like it was today, Tom has got it in the bag. A bit bigger and Occy has more of a chance. A lot may come down to boards and fitness too…
See you in 6 1/2 hours!
PS: Regarding the K9 tour, could be interesting for video guys and retired ASP vets, but no way can a 16 man “tour” have the same legitimacy as an ASP world title. No one would be listening to Kelly if he didn’t have a few of them… Having said that, millions of people are apparently listening to JOB’s tweets, so what do I know!
Millions of people?
I apologize for being a dick, Jamie O’ Brien. You are apparently the most infuential surfer in history, according to Dave Mailman. Without ever bothering with the ASP, you have trumped everyone with Twitter mastery. You’ve even capture Lewis Samuels attention. Credit due.
Well except for two forty year old over the hill’s who have more people stoked than the top 10!
I tried to access the tides for Supers, but I am not a premium member, sorry LS.
Who out there pays for that stuff? Look it up
OK, maybe I overdid it by a few hundred thousand or so… Like I said, “What do I know?”. But, apparently he’s one of the most followed people on Twitter. I don’t know. I don’t Tweet. It’s just what a little bird told me. Get it? Tweety Bird? I tawt I taw a puddy tat!
Thank God for Curren and Occy!
Have you been drinking Dave?
Best sand bank in years, Curren has been out at first light every morning annihilating it much to the delight of the top 44, the lineup will be a blend of mid winter Rincon and Sandspit with a table spoonful of Curren mystique thrown in on one of Slater’s c.a.d shapes. Curren is going to smoke him. I hope Hynd is home.
Compliments to Gra Murdoch. I imagine those pieces were as fun to write as they were to read.
Now, what’s this I see here? People actually discussing surfing, with well thought out analysis to boot? The horsemen can’t be far behind.
Anyone else wondering what board Slater paddles-out?
Couple of years ago I might of went down the screet and grabbed what Archie was doing on his soft core nights to help me stay up and watch The Clash. But the alarm at 1:00 a.m. east coast time will hurt much less manana. I will due a banana smoothie and a wake up Stella Artois instead. The surf picked up mucho at dark at J Bay you have to admit and it looked pretty dreamy to me with that low winter light and dredging high tide tubes. Mikey Picon was shredding. Those speed drives and floaters were the best I have ever seen from him. Lewis and Quik will be stoked. They need to put him in a Orange County mag advertisement instead of Balding Freddie.
Maybe Hynd could sit in the booth.
That would be all time. Btw, Nate Curran looked suprisingly crisp. Stoked for him.
Nate Curran should look fresh…he’s only surfed like 3 heats on the CT this year.
Stu, get a clue
Brutal Stu…. the kid kills Silver Strand, so funny to hear everyone on PS slag the kid when I surf next to him and he’s going ballistic. His act on the base is solid. Maybe that doesn’t translate to the CT, but he may be better than his brother.
One thing to kill it in the VC, another game on the road.
But Newport hasn’t produced shit since Ritchie( one of the most underrated of all time) , not much before.
come to think of it, our area code has 4 participants left in the contest, how many does Orange County have despite disproportionate “sponsorship”.
Scoreboard Stu.
Please don’t talk about the base. Crappy closeout, no sand. SS is way better.
Haha… I’m not arguing in favor of the OC. In fact, it sucks and so do its pros. But, in all seriousness, isn’t this the first heat he’s made it out of? So, he surfed 2 heats at the Superbank, 1 at Bells, 1 at Chopes and now 1 at J-Bay with the second and last to come tomorrow. Go the (805)!
As for the base, it’s no secret, bdub. I’ll bet even Mark has surfed it.
Hasn’t been successful so far, very true Stu.
That secret spot is easier to access now than before 9/11, so much for homeland security. What we used to do for access is a thing of the past and they even allow cameras now.
I was arrested for having someone film me ( also arrested), camera was removed, film exposed and they kept my boards for good measure. All for a crappy closeout. Lucky the guards didn’t find the produce under my seat!
Sorry bdub, but it’s nearly open today.
Is this “Post Surf” or Mikes website for analysis of surfing and government deception? Jeez Mike take a frickin breather dude. You are gonna get carpel tunnel from jammin so hard on the keyboard.
I know I know…. you will reply with a jab at southerners with a little open air prison thrown in for good measure then ending with the classic Mike grandfinale!!!!!!…… money or humanity Mark? Which do you choose?
Have fun in Tarzana tonight with your buddies and say hi to CaliGirl for me. It has been 3 days so she should be in a good mood by now and ready to comment again.
P.S. Mick and Kekoa in the final with Mick winning by a CaliGirl cooter hair. You heard it here first.
@ Mike
20 out 67 comments bro. Man you need to get some waves SOON!
@ Mike @ 5:31 pm
There are a couple of pretty good surfers in my neighborhood.
Hey Mark, considering you flood every post with half the comments (it’s pretty obvious christian boy, you ain’t that slick), you are what people smarter than you like to call a hippo-krit.
and the award for most stained GT interview goes to this gem:
@ Ken
ANOTHER action sports website? How do you guys stay in business?
I mean Lewis must BARELY be making it with Post Surf and it is the best site in the world. How can “KEN” make it with yet another shitty “action sports” website?
I thought Kens site looked pretty cool.
Of course i am a complete fucking kook and I not only surf but I also rollerblade and play beach volleyball at Coney island.
Right on Ken. F that Mark guy.
Mark, it’s been years since any CaliGirl had cooter hair. It’s all shaved these days. I can only imagine the overgrown Bammy cooter bushes you must have encountered in the 70s.
I was entertained by the “Rasta trains with Al Gore” video on the contest website. I know we’ve covered this topic, but now it’s back in my face. So, I’m Looking forward to seeing how Rasta takes on global carbon emissions in the future. Somehow I’m guessing it will involve flying somewhere that has surf.
@ Ken Brazil, Buzz Kill of the tour!!!!!!!!!
Good stuff.
As for Mark, not so much.
CURREN!!!!
I watched from a few feet away as Occy inducted Curren into the HB Walk of Fame a few years ago. Talk about your awkward speeches. Curren was all emmmm, errrr, uhmmmm. Get on with it already! Jesus Christ it was tough to watch. The shy act only works for so long then it becomes annoying. You’re a Goddamn professional for fuck sakes. Act like it. The more things change the more they stay the same. Right?
Laptop next to the PC. PS and JBay baby. This is gonna be great!
One hour and counting
Is it possible that we’ve been the stooge of yet another Sacha Baron Cohen farce? Honestly, could someone as douchey as GT really exist? Would the webcast sponsors really allow him to handle the interviews?
Take a look at GT and his adorable leather jacket…
and then take a look at Bruno…
I feel like one of the Southern frat boys in Borat.
Just stopping by to say Hi. Miss you all !!! Stopped by the site a few times, West Hollywood thanks for the dinner invite, sounds great. Busy all day yesterday with very important things. Sunday is Funday and I like to have my fun outside of cyberspace, till my computer can make me a perfect cocktail and serve amazing appetizers I’ll have to go out into the real world to get my needs satisfied.
Here are my comments so you all will have something to talk about (make fun of)
1. I ADORE Occy, but I’m going with my boy Curren.
2. Is it just me or does no one like to be interviewed by GT? The boys seem to open up more when a fellow Pro surfer interviews them. I know Rasta is a little busy right now w. the whole Al Gore saving the world thing, but I’d think you could find someone that is not on tour right now to do the job.
3. Oh Freddy P. my sweet, always smiling, happy go lucky Freddie. My heart is broken. Wait, heart broken my not be the term I’m looking for. Disappointed, yes disappointed in him is better. But as the old saying goes, ‘expectations are just disappointments waiting to happen.” I expected more and now I’m just disappointed…my bad.
brutal Curren interview…
He’s only fluid in the water, but GT seguing the fucking stupid polls into Tom’s boards???? Were you told to mention the “stats”? Curren couldn’t give a shit, stop fishing an empty pond.
There you go, to all surfer interviews, stop fishing an empty pond.
Have Dave Mailman entertain us, even Chris Cote. File fucking footage, but no more GT… For sure.
@Ballz, I actually wax, but thanks for the back up babe !!!!
“Remember, just a while ago while you were staying at my house” GT beams
A tortured Curren replies ” ummm like 6 years ago and I didn’t dream what you remember I did”
Let the “make fun of” begin…
Why yes, Mike, I was drinking a few hours ago! How could you tell? Nice to see Cali girl back! Curren v. Occy, here we go!
Ronnie Blakey is so handsome. Kind of dark and mysterious – like Curren. He makes me want to take a long hot shower while fondling a water balloon.
Occy’s underbite makes me want to fondle a grizzly bear cub in front of its mother so she’ll quickly put me out of my misery.
Occy does rip though. I predict Occy edging this one.
But in the end, it’s us, the viewing peasants who win.
@ CaliGirl
I’m sorry. I can be a real jerk sometimes. You have shown a lot of class the way you came back on to comment and didn’t even say anything mean.
BTW CaliGirl
Who are you? Lewis? Mike? Stu? I can just FEEL that you aren’t who you claim to be. Come on babe I can handle it. Who ARE you CaliGirl?
I thought we were supposed to be seeing Occy v. Curren archive footage and a breakdown of the rivalry before the heat… not another heat recap from yesterday! I could have slept another 30 minutes! Damn you BBONG!
It’s been really fun reading and commenting of postsurf the last few months. But, for personal reasons, I must quit. I hope that my stupid comments made someone, somewhere, chuckle at some point. But I don’t want to let my big schlong get in the way of serious, competitive surfing commentary and analysis. I guess this is the last time I will get to use the’@’ sign:
@Mark-you seem like a pretty nice guy
@Mike-you too, but it seems you smoke a lot of bud (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and some of what you’re trying to convey gets lost in translation
@JimG-I don’t really think you’re a cumdumpster, bro
@PeterPerfect-FUCK YOU!!!
@ Gary Leonardi-I hope that someday you get a beautiful parrot that speaks seven languages.
@BR-later dude
Guys can’t write as girls, even gay ones.
Put your tater tot away Mark, not polite and Cali girl will run if she sees it first.
Trauzer’s quitting? Palin, Mark now Trauzer…. fuck who’s gonna be funny now?
I will truly miss the fuckery.
ALOHA!!!!!
@ Mark. soooooooooooooooooo NONE of the above. See this is why it is LAME when people post under multiple names, it induces paranoia. BTW do not live in Tarzana…I live MUCH further South.
Bon Voyage Trauzer!
Is Dave Rastovich also the drummer for ‘Foo Fighters’?
Rastovich has fallen into the cult of that Manbearpig, ALGORE.
Gore looks and speaks like some psycho kook.
And what he says in that speech that so impressed the simple mind of Daveie Ratovich was absolute rubbish.
Might as well have signed up with the Heaven’s Gate cult, Dave. There is no difference.
’s_Gate_(religious_group)
@ CaliGirl
Why don’t you fly over to Oahu for a few days? My wife and kids have been gone a week and they will not return until July 21st.
There is a heaping pile of dirty clothes in the hamper, peanut butter and jelly sandwich remains everywhere, empty bud light cans all over and I SWEAR I can smell dog crap but I just can’t seem to find it. And Eddie ain’t talkin.
I need you CaliGirl! I will pay for your ticket!
I’m gonna have to root for Occy in this one. I don’t know if I could survive a post-heat interview with Curren and GT.
Watching two old men surf. They should have called this ‘The Clash: Methuselah vs. Rip Van Winkle.’
P.S. If you leave first thing tomorrow we can watch the Kekoa-Mick final together!
100!! You filthy grape smuggling ostrich fuckers!!
Money’s on Tom.
And I cannot believe how bad everyone surfed in the first round. Everyone looked so average. Falling behind every single wave. Never actually putting it together, making the wave down the line.
It is my sincere hope trauzersnake will be back once his surgery is over.
Good luck with the penile implants, by the way.
Occy takes this, by a chin.
I actually think his underbite gives him a slight edge. He can use it to pivot through critical bottom turns; or when he’s paddling, he can use it to steer his board.
Time warp. Is it 1985? Or 1850? I would say the former based on the Curren/Occy matchup, but then I got a load of GT (heh) who is apparently but a poor mill worker in industrial London.
Things that make me go hmmmmmmmmmm
I would hit Occy’s backside, and I would hit Curren’s frontside… if I were, you know forced to make that decision.
How is it that they can’t clear the lineup for Curren Occy? Send Barca out there for chrisakes.
Let’s see, PacNW, We see who you are rooting for.
But the real question is, who would you rather Root?
*** Go Tommy ***
@Bruno
Probably a question best directed at CaliGirl. But if I were a Mexican, I’d put Occy on the bottom. Curren is obviously a dead-fish.
Slater said the word “projecting”. isn’t that Mikes word?
They should round up all those pig fuckers who refused to get out of the way, suspend them by meat hooks above a pit filled with ravenous she-wolves, and let their flesh slowly rip, tendon by tendon, from the bones, until their nearly dead husks fall to their fate amidst a frenzied blur of gnashing teeth and rabid froth.
But, that’s just me.
I miss Trauzersnake already.
Will someone please tell Curren that this heat really doesn’t count for much more than bragging rights. That said he does need to catch a wave. Even if he gets the two best set waves, we just really want to see him surf…anything.
God, please talk to Mother Nature and Huey to send some waves for the old boys! Apparently they didn’t get your memo about the heat!
My money’s looking safe. Someone wake Tom up pronto. It’s like Weekend at Bernie’s out there.
Does ANYONE have the memory of heats past like Slater? Good job commenting champ. Too bad you aren’t getting past Mick in this comp.
South Africa. No country for old men.
Nice commentary on the Occy/Tommy heat…
curren takes it.
This is Mark & Tom specialty heat is so indicative of the whole ASP.
Over hyped. And sucked.
Suck on that you convict monkeys!
That was the most epic battle ever.
Guys tune in, GT is interviewing Curren again????
It’s settled. A 40 year old Curren is still better than Jeremy Flores in his prime.
And GT looks like a character from Hard Times. Can somebody give the poor bloke some mittens and a slice of bread?
It couldn’t have lived up to the hype, glad I’m buzzed.
Dat fucking GT steelt mijn blik
Mark’s wife at 10:52 wasn’t actually her, she’s so pissed at that fat fuck cheating Mark that she QUIT postsurf for good…… sorry Aussies, For sure.
So, does she owe Mark for royalty infringement? Wow, could change divorce law. You are getting divorced, Mark, aren’t you?
I know some attorney would love to access the posts today.
And all for a fake girl. The tragedy and the comedy, playing out on Post Surf. Lewis is genius.
shite waves. rematch!
I can’t feel my face.
Apparently, Jeremy Flores can’t feel his feet.
Stop the contest, Occy and Curren until lunch
Curren’s interview showed he was treating this thing like a sudden death cage-match for the World Championships.
Love it.
I would pay to see Occy toss his salad with that huge underbite.
So STOKED for Curren…even though heat was less than exciting.
Kelly Did a fabulous job commentating!!!!
What the F was w/ the guys that would not get out of the water…so disrespectful.
I did not want to be miss fashion police but Ballz brought it up. Glad GT has moved on from the oh so very bad members only looking leather jacket….but then he has to throw on a ugly scarf,bad mittens,and a stupid looking hat.
Funny how Occ plays Curren as the esoteric, then when he loses he disappears from his sponsors broadcast. Amazing how good the waves have gotten. So fucked for the Iconic Clash.
GT = Tiny Tim Cratchit on happy pills.
Curren - Occy rematch coming soon pre finals. I freaking love the Curren interviews.
How desperate, Parsons announces an Icon rematch! Between the quarters and semi’s!!! Maybe all day tomorrow if you want! Heck, we could cancel the contest and show specialty heats! Hit the polls at Billabong Pro .com! Curren v Occy or Adriano against anybody.
Senior tour it is!
Tommy beat Occy worse then my client beat those two cougars in Mammoth…
Could Rasta have left that tuft of hair in his freaking face any more on purpose earlier?
If Alex Knost is a Hipster and Rasta is a tree hugger then what is GT?
Curren beating Occy dashed my conspiracy theory about the event sponsor influencing the results. Hopefully they get more swell in the rematch (and Slater back commentating).
“If Alex Knost is a Hipster and Rasta is a tree hugger then what is GT?”
Answer: A pole-smoker.
GT is a fag and I am single now, trauzer are you still quitting?
GT is why mamas don’t let their babies grow up to be Southern Californian.
Am I going mad or is Nathan Curran actually winning a heat?
Where are the jet ski’s? CONTINUITY FUCKING MORONS
I am torn at who to root for… the Brazo or the Christian Surfer? Maybe a shark will come and eat them both… we can only hope.
Anyone else see the girl in the stands yawn.
Two in the hand is worth one in the bush Jarek… concur.
Don’t worry, Nathan will figure a way to screw up. Oh ye of little faith…
@ Mike
J-Bay is a protected reserve…no skis is part of the deal.
@Nathaniel Curran:
Heh Heh Heh. Whom doth the bell toll?
It tolleth for thee.
@Br@11:43
Dumb ass.
Wonder if Adriano will claim this heat? Maybe his “fans” will carry him up the point???!!!!
Holy Laird! Nate won!! I will now go fuck a concrete version of Mark’s mother’s vajayjay.
… no, wait, that really IS Mark’s mother’s vajayjay!
Oh right sorry uniformed, different rules for every event, I forgot.
The Brazzo was surfing at Mach 4. The best surfer doesn’t always luck up. Did Roy just actually make a whole wave? Bobby just woke the comp up though. High test coffee straight from Santa Barbara but maybe slightly over caffeinated from the judges.
Bobby is killing it.
I used to think B.R. was lewis but now I know different. Lewis samuels has a certain feel for the ebb and flow of wct level competition. B.R. couldn’t call a NSSA gulf coast menehune division heat.
Go back and watch the WISA Lane contests that Brenda Scott used to dominate B.R. then come back up here when you are ready for the big leagues.
Kook.
Damn Bobby! My fantasy surfer set up just went down the port a let.
GT is killing me
GT “adores” both Occy and Curren. What’s the Borat’s new movie called? Yeah, for sure, that.
Well, no one could suggest that surfing remains homophobic. Silver lining I guess.
I dedicate that win to all of those sick of Adriano’s claims.
Mike, you have to adapt our system to the “system” sometimes!
Nature reserve = No jet skis.
Hawaii = Hawaiian wild cards… Bad argument, I know! ;-)
Apologies for not teaching my son a lick of grammar. My bad.
stanfield’s act is wearing thin as well…
Does that mean that if we turn Pipe into a nature reserve, we eliminate the Hawaiian wildcards? That would be a syllogism, bitches.
Go back and watch the tapes of Brenda Scott? Another whore? WTF?!
What do you mean “is” wearing thin. He’s been this bad for 30 years. Still, his annoying voice in the Curren/Occy heat added to the nostalgia.
Do you want to debate Hawaiin wild cards, Dave?
If you can’t qualify for the tour, you don’t surf the tour. Jet ski’s should never be allowed, it’s surfing Dave.
Same format, same game, same title. Different venues. It’s that simple.
or should be.
Wow, Mark’s wife is so much smarter!
Can we please get “The Legends of SUP” heat started already. These fit little boys go too fast for my brain.
And bring back D. David Morin too…he was so cute.
Dave Stansfield is the ghost of commentators past.
@Mark,
And the reason I would give up my comfortable living to make a few shillings commentating on ANY tour?? I’ll stick to writing C-list horror movies and telling fart jokes in my spare time.
Thanks.
Or unemployed and bored
Tom Whitaker V Ben Dunn…. ambien, good night.
has Rasta been thoroughly excoriated for his “training” with algore? I’m to lazy to scroll through the above comments to find out.
^^ who is that?
meaning br @12:22
IS GT MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS…. or just the inspiration? Either way, vaya con dias…
Dave Mailman,
Do you know why they don’t integrate the other two events in the Triple Crown into the WCT? Surfers are there anyway, the infrastructure and sponsorship are set-up, and shouldn’t Sunset have something to do with deciding the World Champ (as long as Bells does)?
Get Dayyane Neve out of booth. Please ! What a retard !
Has that dick left yet?
Tap Tap…
Hellooooo…
Anyone still here? I just caught Dayyan Neve live in the commentary booth. Dude.
No… dudé.
Paging Munga Barry. You could cut the sexual tension between Ronnie and Dayyan with a hair plucked from Mark’s mother’s nose wart hair. That said, Dayyan’s sense of style is as impeccable as Liberace; and his cadence on the air is as eloquent as Elton John. He’s a true connoisseur of men’s sport. And by ‘sport’, I would obviously mean wiener.
…Not that there’s anything wrong with wiener love.
beautiful surfing from Joel
@ B.R.
I see you have decided to resort to bragging about your gay career writing for Hollywood or whatever it is you do.
Bro I bet frickin CaliGirl makes more money a year then you do. Why don’t you go comment on the Kimos Mala Wharf invitational or something. The more they drink before their heat the better they are scored. You should fit right in you lush.
Hello Dick Perfect.
Between you, Ace Buckin’, Roy Powers, and Luke Studman… we’d have a fouresome for the ages in homosexual pornstar names.
Rock on!
@Mark,
I refuse to put my payrole up against strippers. They earn EVERY single penny they make. And believe me, I’ve donated plenty of my payrole to the furtherance of their careers.
And by that, I mean…
Parko is on Fire… Right now he’s making Curren look like Curran with his carves.
Parko fuckin’ OWNS this heat. Parkinson’s style = Curren’s +/-.
@Jarek,
Heh heh. Yup. Great minds.
Slater is going to be crying in the shower (again) after Parko Destroys him tomorrow…
OH NO PARKO GOES DOWN
@Jarek,
Will Joel beat Slater? Parko’s obviously on fire right now… but this ain’t the quarters or finals… and he may be hurt.
Willis Reed anyone?
Google it.
Or else, queue the thunderous beat of Slates, Mick and CJ.
@ BR, I always make the girls say ‘you have the perfect peter’ as they peel off my leather chaps.
Why is one of the ‘Top 44′ drawing stick figures on the screen?
@Pete,
I love how Dayyan thought some heaving spray from the competitor was a shark… then tried to play it off by sketching a mustard shit on the tele-prompter.
Taj is going down… you read it here first… and last.
@ Dayyan = dumb as a box of hammers, not quite as useful. Getting late for you BR?
Ring finger toe? GT is a douche.
200!! You hillbilly fellating flamingo fuckers!!
Aaaeewww ffuuuuucck!
@ BR:
stitch him up and he will be fine… Slater is definitely going to be surfing like what the Hobgoods call him “the wizard” and be all over dramatic pretending to almost fall on his patented carve to tailslide look how flexible I am shit, but Parko’s style suits J-Bay perfectly. I think the Aussie commentator said it perfect when the other guy said “Parko makes it look easy” and he replied “I think it actually is easy for Joel.”
Unless they are afraid Slater will quit the tour then tell give him two tens…
Bye Bye Taj…
You and me, Pete.
@Jarek,
If Parko continues to surf the way he is… only Sean Holmes will beat him.
Sean Holmes.
THAT’s a pretty perfect porn name.
Holmes & Parko are the only guys that have it wired so far. Great surfing.
Not to knock Taj but everyone who rides a firewire that I ever surfed with was a total douche bag. Makes the carbon fiber board guys look like Machado in a Final…
Holmes and Parko are fitting this wave like a thong flosses the butt cheeks of Kim Kardashian.
At first, it may look easy; but then, you realize there’s more flesh and flatulence upon closer inspection of the surface… making your conquest that much more admirable.
@ BR, Have you noticed Mark is getting even more bitter? I dare not mention my glamorous life for fear of him tracking me down and begging me to swap lives.
He is so jealous of you being the screenwriter brought onto “I Know What You Did Last Summer 7, the 3D edition” to rewrite Megan Fox’s lines to give her character ‘more depth’.
@ UnperfectDick
Bitter? Not really. Just frustrated that the sport of kings is having its finest moment of the season by far and I have to listen to B.R. talk shit about this alleged “job” he supposedly has.
Lets keep it on topic please.
Mark…
Last time I checked the topic was SUPs and the Pacific solution… so unless you are commenting about that then you too are off topic.
@ Yes sir, Mark sir. This site is known for having comments that are on topic. Point taken. How about those SUPs, Hey?
Anyone else think this contest so far today reminds us why we like pro surfing? Mailman tell the CEO we want more of this and less crappy Brazil… G-land?
Absolutely. This heat is a cracker –– and the next — can’t wait!
Props to Anchor Tattoo boy for not being boring (and sorry for dropping in on you that one time). If Wardo is on today and Taylor isn’t a Bone head their heat could be an all time classic as well. I’m calling bone head’s power overcomes Wardo’s tail-slides…
Its a TEN for Dane
The “wizard” might be doing the arm thing, but he’s so far back in the barrel you can’t see it…
Mark’s wife: I agree about the Hawaiian WCs, should be just as many as at other venues. Jet ski assist is an open debate. I understand the purist standpoint for paddle only, but personally I prefer to see guys surfing waves rather than duck diving them…
PacNW: Same debate as Hawaiian WCs at Pipe. The boys want as many locals as possible in the events in the islands. So Sunset stays a 6* Prime to keep everyone happy. If there was a universal ranking system, it could have an effect on the rankings and the title race… But that’s another story. In a perfect world, Sunset would count.
jarek: I’ll let the CEO know that days like this are what you want to see, but something tells me he’s already figured that out!!!
High five, GT!!! High five, Snips!!!
GT just informed me that this has been the best 4 hours in the history of modern surfing, bro.
TC taking out Occ, Nathaniel, Bobby and that Wardo / TK heat make me proud to be from California!!!
Keep it coming mailman were loving it…
How was my call before the event that Rd 3 Heat 6 (Jordy/Fanning) would be the heat of the contest?!? Now, it could still be, but with the perfect 10 guys, Michel and Dane! Can’t wait! Oh yeah, Dane makes me glad to be from California too!
Three words for that Rasta add about whale lovin’: “MerMAN dad, merMAN!”
Put Occy and Curren back out there!!!
How was that last re-entry from Ottz!?! Filthy mate!
Grizzly Adams is killing it. He surfs so smoothly that he almost looks bored. Nathaniel Curran, on the other hand is dodging sets and catching rails. The commentators couldn’t believe T Knox was wearing booties then couldn’t believe that Curran WASN’T. Poor guy.
So stoked for Taylor! Love him.
someone kidnap GT and lock him in the closet.
Have you seen Kelly’s new board?
CaliGirl, word has it he’s single, again…
Q1 Battle of the Aussie Beards! Didn’t know they had lumberjack surfers down under?!?
Steve, the Manta Ray? Looks insane! Heard he or Curren might ride one in their next heat…
@Dave Mailman….He is one of our local boys. I use the term local per surfer definition, I believe he was 6 when he first hit Carlsbad….far before any “curly fries”.
WOW Parko!!!!!!!
@CAliGirl…. please stay away from Mark, his family is away and he is vulnerable. Ignore his numerous invitations to adultry. We’re doing an intervention to avoid a visit with WArdo’s Lawyer, man is that guy busy.
and another ten for Parko
@steve
Regarding GT — there is no use. That is one man who has already come out of the closet.
Hey Mailman…. I see a jet ski! Know it all, don’t ya mate. For sure.
Sorry Taylor moved to Carlsbad when he was 13yrs.
Best contest in years and years and years. Sean Holmes is the Fucking Silky Assassin surfing beautifully. That was a 9.0 at least against Cambo late arvo, that judge was tripping giving him a throwaway 6.5. The Dream Tour is full on reality on this Tuesday 7/14th. The screw-foots have been going mad also. Bobby looks like Occy 3030. Bourez vs. Dane manana? Hope the swell holds, the A.S.P. and pro surfing is so lame and like sooo boring (SIKE BITCH!!!) Lewis time to man up and get your foot notes together beyatch. Best Power Rankings ever in it’s young life span to go with the comp? The pressure is on L.S. Damn you wish you were there. Fuck you again Surfline double footed and fisted!
Does Mike sleep? Charge it brother. Like the motivation.
Mike, I will call my sources in JBay and find out how that is possible! I’m thinking 1 ski for safety (insurance) reasons would be tolerated, but not 3 or 4 buzzing around the line-up. Apparently, the local dolphin and especially whale population doesn’t appreciate the noise and petrol smell too much!
Would Da Hui and Jamie O please explain to Michel Bourez that he’s not supposed to be surf anywhere except the South Pacific because that’s the only place with surf! If guys like him succeed on tour, how can the 15 other island meth heads continue to get wildcards? Please show your respect to the islands by demanding that you be given something rather than earning it. Time to youtube a written statement and bounce some pecs.
Mike, jet ski is out there just in case someone *really* gets in trouble. That is all.
Great surfing. Can’t wait for tomorrow. Just hope they don’t send those old kooks out first to jinx it ;-)
Looks like BR passed out in the middle of the night…
I think Al Gore’s speech was better than these comments. C’mon boys, you stayed up all night for that?
O.k. I fell asleep at 1 a.m. where the fuck are the heats on demand?
the only info or pictures I can find are on surfermag.com. Any other sources?
Wow!!!
Best single day of surfing since…… Pipe 06 when A.I and Slater went to WAR in the final? Snapper 06 with Mick and Slater and Josh Kerr and Bede going absolutely MAD on the final day? Bells the same year?
In my opinion 7-14 at Jeffreys Bay was BETTER! All I have to say is my fantasy surfer team was DECIMATED and I don’t give a crap!
Michel F-ing Bourez???? You da MAN!!!!!!!!! I watched this guy win at Haleiwa and was impressed but did not realize the tuberider from within would emerge against Mick and show us all what we live for.
Sean Holmes??? This guy is one of the most powerful, stylish surfers EVER! And did you hear his interview? Humble, modest and simply stoked to have the occasional shot at the pro’s. When asked why he wasn’t on the Q.S. he was pretty much like why bother? Gotta beautiful wife, kid, career and I surf the best right points in the world at my leisure. What a class act.
Haven’t seen Slaters heat yet and it must have been good considering the score but I think most would agree with me on one point. Joel Parkinson is the most beautiful point break surfer who has ever lived, at least in the pro ranks. Go Parko!!!
Let’s hope the swell stays good and it is wrapped up by tomorrow! Great call by Snips on running the new format especially if the swell and wind fall to pieces on Thursday.
Vegwad, heats on demand are up quick as fux. Bad Billy’s are by far the best at this webcast thing. I was amped on coffee earlier watching that sick comp, explains way too much posting by myself. I was stoked.
My head hurts…
Woke up so hung over….
What great surfing and Bobby and Parko were brilliant this morning.
Dave Mailman, if the ASP could pull this off each event, sponsors would be raining. I know how, get me a meeting with that CEO.
Icons were a let down, should’ve anticipated that. REmatch, why? I wanna see Parko, Bobby, Kelly and Dane in the semi’s…. don’t even know if that is possible, but damn fucking good surfing.
Fun to shoot the shit with you boys when we don’t have to make the shit up, eh?
And yes, no surf again today, torture, brutal torture.
Lewis, this, my friend, is your best post ever. Bravo. Keep ‘em comin’. (Oh, and thank you for refraining from the incorporatization of a single word from my name. Things are looking up at postsurf.com!!)
Wow! that one was funny
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