Dear ASP,
They say that love never means having to say you're sorry. But I'm writing to say just that, Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I'm eternally sorry for all the horrible things I've said about you, and I apologize in addition for the horrible things I've done to you. You were right and I was wrong.
These past few months, I've just been struggling to feel anything at all. I've grown numb to life; going through the motions. It's not that I don't love you - it's just that I haven't felt in love with you. That is, until I finally saw the real you again last night.
I'll admit that I've strayed. There was that night I spent writing about the SUP world tour, or the night I spent lovingly analyzing the stern, sexy intolerance of Karina Pepperoni. That was just a physical thing - Karina doesn't complete me like you do. I'm just a sucker for high cheekbones and the haughty confidence of a woman committed to Jesus and the restriction of human rights. But ASP, you're the only one for me.
Watching you at J-Bay today was a lesson in forgiveness. You made me ashamed to be the cynical, critical scoundrel that I sadly am. ASP, you taught me that love is knowing that someone isn't perfect, but seeing them as perfect anyway. Love is giving perfect 10s to surfers, even when they dig rail or kick-out halfway through a ride.
I guess, in the end, that's the difference between you and me, ASP. You're an eternal optimist. Every day of competition is epic; every surfer on tour is a world title contender. When someone gets a surprisingly good tube, you consider their wave perfect. Meanwhile, my pessimistic, critical mind wonders, "How can you give Joel Parkinson a perfect 10 when he flicks out halfway down the line? What would you have given him if he got three more barrels instead of kicking out, and capped it all off with the biggest air in history? Would that wave have been any more perfect?"
In the end, I suppose you love with your whole heart, ASP, while I only love with half of mine. You love so much that you can look past fault, and see only perfection.
The JBay event is akin to a hooker trying to bathe by walking through a drive-thru car wash. Sure, you get all wet and soapy, maybe the hot wax kills those crabs, but at the end of the day you’re still a whore.
Kelly’s alternate contest partnership?
If Karina Pepperoni married Fred Pistachio she’d be Karina Pepperoni-Pistachio.
I just love anal-yzing the stern of Karina Pepperoni
Rasta’s beard is the perfect incubator for next-generation algal biofuels.
Maybe if Parko had gotten 5 more barrels and stuck one of those Daney Alley Oops they’d have moved the bar. Prob’ly not.
You’re not complaining about ten-ohs being given to Bourez getting three or four hair-assed dry pits are you, lad? Come now, you jaded bastard. Perhaps I’m just not as jaded as you (now, anyway…I’ve been through my phase), but I was sitting in my La-Z-Boy hooting like a gremmie at half the rides out there today. Just sayin’.
I’m deeply ashamed in you lot, that there have been no homo-erotic mentions of that GT boob yet. A new standard is being set before our eyes for hipster, out-and-proud commentary (not that there’s anything wrong with being a fashion forward…oh, fuck it). My God, man. Is he Bruno or is Bruno he? There is saliva dripping from the corners of the man’s mouth.
Anybody notice that Bobby gets pushed a bit - his scoring that is? Great guy who you gotta root for, but nonetheless his generous scoring is something I’ve noticed for a long time and yesterday was no different. That’s not to say he doesn’t rip and his backhand is great for sure.
Can I use this letter for my x boyfriend, Jamie Sterling? It’s a great letter and no doubt the make up sex will be so hot!!!
man mick ripped… boo judge
Sometimes you need to crank it up to eleven.
Sickest…Day…Ever!
Your tripping ross, Bobby killed it.
Lewis, the ASP glass is always half full, an illusion of hope because all control is out of their influence. Every dog has his day, and JBay lends respectability to a process that isn’t conducive to such heights. Pure luck, that’s why you can’t commit…. tomorrow may never happen and all you’ll hold onto is a memory of yesterday’s random fortune.
Fools gold.
my opinion is that michel bourez had a fair win against mick, both surfed in a incredible manner, but in the end the sickest wave of michel bourez had to be more pontuacted
Funny, I actually thought the same thing when Joel kicked out after his very good barrel. Was his barrel a perfect 10? Yes. But did he surf that wave to its full potential? Obviously not. Therefore, the 10 was unmerited.
Now, I am not a regular passenger on the “K-Train”, but I have to say that Kelly Slater surfed four waves in his heat to their fullest potential . . . and wasn’t rewarded.
100 precent agreed lewis.
BY THE WAY
This jamie Obrain/charlie smith malarky must not stand surely?????? and why is derek reilly still alive?????
Hmmmmm….when I get a movie on demand I always get the whole movie. “Heats on Demand”? Needs a new title “Highlights of Heats on demand w/ interview included”. I will say it’s a lot of work for those guys (or maybe one poor guy,based on how long it is taking to get them posted.)However I am way more bummed at myself for falling a sleep…I’m such a wuss. Still from what I saw it was an AWESOME day of surfing.
Until this scoring problem goes away I am afraid we are in for more of the same (come on Kelly tour). Barrels are like homeruns. They get everyone pumped but they only count for one run (as long as the bases are empty assholes). More heats, more rides scored and fewer Roy Powers are what we need. Also, technical difficulty must be factored in and to that end, barrels are NOT difficult for these guys.
Caligirl=boy.
Trauzer=quitter
We love you too Lewis. And we accept your apology. If you talk to God, give him a shout out for sorting things with Huey and Mother Nature! How good was the surf?!?
I can’t remember if it was Perry, Renato or Rab that said it, but there are two kinds of 10s in surfing. The kind that you have to give because you’ve already dropped a 9.95 and you have nowhere else to go for a better wave, and then there’s the kind that you feel in your gut and your emotion dictates dropping a perfect score. I think Parko’s at least was the latter. I’m sure no one on the beach argues that it was a perfect 10.
Judging from the photo selected for the perfect 10 caption in the post, Lewis obviously doesn’t think Michel’s wave was a 10 either. It’s a judged sport. Everything is open to interpretation. But keep in mind that at least 3 out of 5 highly experienced professional judges, with the best view on the beach and access to replays from 5 different camera angles thought it was deserving of a 10.
They’re not always perfect themselves, but something tells me that they might be a bit more clued in than you, Lewis. That said, it does seem bizarre that a wave can receive the highest possible score, but not be surfed perfectly. In surfing, 10 does not necessarily mean perfection! Another of the idiosyncrasies of our “sport”…
I take my comment about getting heats posted…I just woke up….and obviously retarded.
And I would like to apologize to all spongers, I actually do really love you guys and I miss your presnece in the line-up so much when it gets to a decent size. Also, GT, I’m sorry bro, you da man after all and what you say makes sense, is relevant and so uncamp. I LOVE those fingerless gloves, I wish I could make a serious masculine statement like that, so yeah GT I’m sorry for metaphorically pissing in your pina colada.
I still can’t believe I passed out before the start of Rd. 3
Damn you beer! And you’re drunken ways. But that’s ok, I still love you too beer
Anybody find it fishy that (Billabong’s) Mike Parsons decided to go all the way through heat 5 of round 3 today? Giving (Billabong’s) Parko on less heat to surf if he makes it to the finals than Slater. In the beginning of the webcast they said the contest was only going to go through heat 3 of round three, then Parsons stated that they were going to push through heat 5. This also gives Holmes one less heat to surf tomorrow against both (Quik’s) Dane and possibly (Quik’s) Slater. Smells like some Corpo-Surf-Bullsh*t to me. This is just another reason the ASP should have its own people running the Comp as Contest Director not some Corpo guy in Billabong’s, Quiksilver’s, Rip Curl’s, ect. pocket. Also how much of a douche is Luke Egan and GT on the webcast. At least the on the beach interview guy in Brazil asked real questions instead of bro-ing out with the boys. Bring back McNamara, his commentary was killer a few years ago at the Pipe Masters.
How come lewis didn’t complain about Dane’s ten? Dane’s stance looked a little bit like Adriano’s on the wave and he also looked as if he had borrowed some of Slater’s “wizardry.” What’s his name the Tahitian dude’s wave looked pretty good live and Parko kicked out because he knew that with that one barrel he had done enough. I’d of scored Dane a 9.5, Tahitian Dude a 10 and awarded Parko 11 world titles because he’s better then Slater at everything but crying when he loses.
parko wave was a 10
michel bourez wave was a 10
danes wave was a 10
and
kelly’s was also a 10, rode it in the tube for miles in the end section, passing closing section after closing section until exiting doggy door. that was a real technical tube
@Spookynook
Yes.
Parko’s wave was a 10 UNTIL he pulled out. There should be a deduction for blowing off the rest of the wave. He didn’t finish either scoring wave well. I predict he won’t be so lucky the next time he decides not to finish it strong.
I score Jarek a 2
In related news, rumor has it that Kelly Slater is trying to incorporate this military technology into his surfing in order to completely devour his competition: “Upcoming Military Robot Could Feed on Dead Bodies”
Apparently, Benn Dunn is very scared and has been the most outspoken about preventing Slater from doing so. Insiders think it has something to do with the fact that Dunn’s little brother was tragically eaten by dingos during the drought of 1986.
SL9TR’s got it in the bag, watch out for the 10th coming of SLATEN
Didn’t take long to return to normal, did it Heinz P. Interesting rumors at least.
Let’s all breath a collective sigh of relief for L Samuels, he now has enough material to produce a power ranking.
Man, so are you telling us that if a surfer does three perfect rodeo flips in a wave he doesn´t deserve a ten because he didn´t do four? Parko had a great tube ride, the best of all the event and he knew (and we all that saw that wave live knew) that tube is all you need for a perfect score. You are really good writing, but you are starting to be annoying. But, I think that is exactly how you want to be.
The 10’s are always bullshit. That shouldn’t really even be an attainable score, let alone they give out so frequently. There is always a way a wave could have been surfed better.
Mike, what can I say - I’m dialed into the rumblings on the ASP. I hope my insider connections help me win the trip to hang out with Rob Machado!
@ Stu
I respectfully disagree with you about Parko’s 10.
When you get a barrel that good what else can you do? I don’t blame him for kicking out after.
It seems to me the only 10 that might have been undeserved was by Dane. He just doesn’t seem to have the style of Parko or kelly. Michel’s 10 was insane. And even more impressive then a 10, to me, was Slater getting 4 scores above 9 in one heat without jet-ski assist at a long pointbreak! And on one of those waves he got at least 4 barrels! When you are throwing away 2 nine point plus rides there is some serious mojo happenin!
But let’s get down to business here. Important business. I have spent all day at work dissecting all of the comments by CaliGirl over the past week or so and have come to the conclusion that she does not exist. NO WAY. I am 90% sure that CaliGirl is Lewis. You can just feel it in the words. Lewis knows what gets to people and he planted that little skank right in the middle of a contest just to stir shit up.Come clean CaliGirl! You are sportin some serious frank and beans!
P.S. It was frustrating to see Jordy, after that killer first wave, start to try those weird tricks. Dude you are in a contest in your home country in front of an adoring crowd on one of the all time best days ever at one of the worlds best waves with a semi final finish or better keepin you mathematically in the hunt for a title. You are a hard carvin son of a gun Jordy on a wave that BEGS for hard carves! If you stuck to the basics you would have stuck it to Dane. Bottom line.
I think you’re sorry that Surfline isn’t sending you on any more “reporting” junkets. Seems like you got the raw deal, Lewis.
disagree, but understood. You can’t let a jbay wall like that just go, no matter what you just did. Parko’s been barreled like that before - no need for a huge claim (he seems prone to claims this year…must be part of his “get the title” lessons. As for Jordy, he seems to crack a bit still. Too much pressure at home. His time will come though, no doubt. Finally, I agree re Slater. I’ve surfed J-Bay and the paddle’s a bitch. He looks more the man each heat.
Stu hits on something, all the claiming…. keep surfing, we all saw the tube. It’s starting to look like girls volleyball with all the celebration.
10’s are being handed to guys, Parko’s tube should’ve guaranteed him an 8.5, there was more canvas to paint. Make a 10 a complete, perfect ride.
Lewis you are classic man. Another killer post that makes my burnt mind think outside the Super’s box a lil bit. Slater’s long fucking TRON 9.6 was better than Michel’s 10 but Joel’s tube was so deep it had to be a 10. Simple degree of difficulty Brian Boitano skate trick rulebook shit.
jarek says…”awarded Parko 11 world titles because he’s better then Slater at everything but crying when he loses.”
hahaha. dont’ get me wrong, i love Parko and i hope he gets his title this year, but to say he is better than slater at everything is the stupidest comment i have ever read. NO ONE, and i mean NO ONE, surfs as good as kelly. they just don’t. its simple. he does cutbacks where most people wouldn’t attempt or think of. he is the best. soo JAREK, take your nose out of parkos butt
I hate the way Kelly Slater and Dane Reynolds surf.
Not really, but their styles’ are so herky-jerky; I feel like I’m watching a newborn giraffe balancing atop a bus. Stylistically, my top three are Bruce, Andy, and Parko.
Finally, barrels should always be worth more than turns. And I would like judges to deduct points for those godawful half-floater half-air thingys they throw at the end of rides. I mean, once you’ve got the money shot, is it better to simply pull out firmly or limply squeeze out the dregs of your post-ride ejaculate in hopes of impressing?
SLATEN…you might not like it, but you better learn to love it! Because he’s the best thing going today!!!! Whhhooooo!!!!
Lazer zap keel fin is tripping. Dane is a bit long legged but it means maximum projection. S. Holmes might of been the best pure surfer of the day. His lines were insane. The judges aren’t used to his kind of trip.
That tube was crazy but you won’t catch Slats quitting while “canvas” still exists. Shows a lack of character deep down(Australian lack character and smarts).
Mailman, thanks for the take on Sunset and the Triple Crown. Too bad about the local wild-card situation in HI. I suppose that takes us back to the unsatisfactory nature of inconsistencies between events.
At any rate, a shout-out to the web-crews who keep the goods streaming and archived (in all fairness, I will reserve final judgment on the Hangloose crew until their salaries are known). While I’m with CaliGirl about the ‘heats on demand’ not living up to their full title, one thing is for sure; being able to watch the contests in this capacity sure beats having to read about them a month later while squatting surreptitiously in the bathroom of a local supermarket (watch out for hidden video, Ballz).
In other news, I never thought I’d call a man with an ear-ring my hero. Sean Holmes sir, keep up the good work.
@Stu and Mike Parko’s entire career he has heard people say that he looks so smooth the judges don’t realize how hard he is ripping. So let the bloke throw a freakin claim after a 6 second barrel where he was 10 feet back at J-Bay while he is leading the tour with 2 wins already under his belt!!!!
@ Lazer
Agree 100 percent about Joel and Andy having better style than Dane and, to a much lesser degree,Kelly. Not quite as much Bruce in the style department but he balls the size of coconuts. Slater IS great. No doubt. But Parko is the most pleasing to the eye of anyone ever.
BTW How hard was A.I. frothing when he saw glory of Supers on 7-14-09?
I’m feeling you today, Mark. I agree that Parko is often underscored because he looks so fucking calm and collected. But the claiming has been going on all season. I’d still call his wave incomplete and thus not a perfect ride. Immaterial, however, since his opponent failed to show up. Should be a good ending tomorrow.
The ASP creed.
A hustler gets a free ride and makes it seem as if he’s doing you a favor.
- Bill Veeck
If you’re boning a hot girl and you pull out before you finish, is she still a 10?
Shreddy, I think a better analogy would be that Parko got his and didn’t care if he finished her off.
@PacNW For sure! In all seriousness, that was such an amazing tube, it would be a tough call not scoring it that high. And I agree with all posters about Sean Holmes’ performance. Full dark horse ruling it against the best.
@ Stu
We are kinda like two chicks who hang out so much and have so much in common that they start having their period at the same time every month.
We are bonding.
@ stu
If this relationship continues to grow I might even denounce my faith, buy a hybrid and get one of those “yes we can” posters.
Waves are supposedly still pumping. I’m pumping Thunderbird.
Let’s get it on!
What the fuck? “we are like two chicks bonding over our periods”????? Mark, please.
I could go on and on, but the constest has me interested, for once, and I’ll show mercy.
Stu may not. Dude, shut up.
Man, Taj’s Burro with the carny metaphor, how does a donkey get so sly?
Followed by a great tag team of Shreddy and NW, the comedy is rolling until Mark fucks it up.
Buzz kill.
latent buzz kill
@ Dave Mailman,
If Parko had continued on his wave and had by some act of nature, slipped on his wax into an unfortunate stink bug stance before face planting while unsuccessfully attempting a cutback on the shoulder, would he have potentially jeopardized his 10? If so that would indicate that savvy surfers know when riding a wave additionally could adversely affect their score? Awarding a surfer for pulling out? Seems pretty nonsensical, but…
GAME ON…I can not remember the last time i was so excited !!!!!
You should stop seeing Parko CaliGirl. If I didn’t have a girlfriend I would finish you off and you wouldn’t have to say such horrible things.
This all begs the simple question:
What would you do to earn the privilege of surfing J-Bay with only one other person when waves are pumping like yesterday’s swell, and (hopefully) today’s?
@CaliGirl Me too! I’m in my skibby’s with my belly hanging out and my laptop burning my twigs and berries, listening to firecrackers outside. It’s like I’m 50 all over again!!!
I remember being this excited once. It was the first night I met Mark’s mother. While she slept unknowingly, I filled her rectal orifice with all my spittle while humping a hole in the foot of her double bed. When she kicked in her sleep and dislocated my shoulder, I wildly slapped my useless arm against the wall, swallowed, then, stumbled for the nearest open window while screaming “Lord Laird, I believe,” before leaping to the first of my thirteen deaths.
@Sad realization… He had the 10 as soon as he came out of the tube. The score came up about 5 seconds after the spit came out! So just like the 10 on the Goldy with the incomplete fly away alley-oop on the end, the judges will score a 10 for an “incomplete” wave if what was done before was so mind boggling that you can’t help but give the highest score possible.
Basically, we can all surf a “perfect” wave in our mind, but in reality, it is much harder to actually do on a wave. So when a judge sees a wave where he says to himself,”Not much more the guy could have done than that”, he drops a 10. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Some 10s are better than others. Sounds weird, but it’s the truth.
BR, you are a 10! I don’t know what we’d do without you! Lots of love from France.
To surf J-Bay with only one other person while a 7/14/09 swell pumps; I would actually do work instead of dorking around on the net all day.
@Dave Mailman
You would not like to know the things I’d do to you if we were to meet in person. It may, or may not, include AstroGlide.
Lot’s of love from Hades!!
To surf J-Bay with only one other person while a 7/14/09 swell pumps; I would read every brain-dead bestseller in the business section…
… including “Our Iceberg Is Melting!” and “Why the Housing Market Will Never Fail” (published in 2006).
To surf J-Bay with only one other person while a 7/14/09 swell pumps; I’d write a full-length, scholarly dissertation the pros and cons of the Dewey Decimal system.
With footnotes.
To surf J-Bay with only one other person while a 7/14/09 swell pumps; I would erase each every crude drawing scrawled by a hormone-charged teenager in the Human Sexuality books at his local high school library.
To surf J-Bay with only one other person while a 7/14/09 swell pumps; I would copy out the entire text of The Canterbury Tales using only my toes and a purple crayon slathered in Andy Iron’s tears.
BR, good thing you specified Hades, instead of Hell, because I would have had to jump on a plane to come join you! Ever been to Norway? It’s a really cool place. Even some waves, and super hot chicks!
Never been to Whoreway. But I’ve always wanted to post up there.
Some cool waves and some tasty chicks… and I’m in.
And… we’re on!!!
Good morning South Africa!
To surf J-Bay with only one other person while a 7/14/09 swell pumps; I would transcribe the life’s work of Bertram S. Puckle directly to sanscrit.
And I defy ANYONE to out-obscure me on Bertram S. Pickle.
(Dick Perfect, I’m looking at you!)
Not only a great surfer, a proven giant killer, but a should be a true role model for every grom out there.
And 95% of surfers should be embarrassed.
The ASP needs to interview Sean Holmes on a daily basis.
To surf J-Bay with only one other person while a 7/14/09 swell pumps; I would speed-fuck a dry Thesaurus.
To surf J-Bay with only one other person while a 7/14/09 swell pumps; I would move to Orange County and maintain sobriety during a flat spell for the entirety of 11 straight days (everyone has their limits).
Did anyone see President Obama toss out the first pitch at the All Star game?
Not only did he throw like a poofster, but the catcher was crouched well in FRONT of home plate!
@PacNW:
That’s way too harsh… let’s keep it simple braheim.
Hey Br nice job of plagerizing me. I was the first to start dropping the ” J-Bay on a 7-14-09 swell” line.
I guess everyone was right last month about you not being original and copying other peoples sayings.
Is Obama a lefty? Get it? Lefty?
@BR
Guilty as charged. Its been awhile since I’ve been to purgatory (and I’ve never been there sober), so forgive that generous estimate of my intestinal fortitude.
Hey Mark,
To surf J-Bay with only one other person while a 7/14/09 swell pumps; I would read every doctrine written by Karl Rove. I mean, Marx.
Whatever.
@Taj’s Burro™
Obama’s catcher cleary copied Jihad Khodr stance.
To surf J-Bay with only one other person while a 7/14/09 swell pumps; I would poop in all offensive books, return them quietly to the shelf, and be eventually arrested in shame as the Unipooper.
To surf J-Bay with only one other person while a 7/14/09 swell pumps; I’d shoot a ping pong ball out my ass at a San Diego State frat party into the center cup during a beer pong match while siging “It’s Raining Men.”
Mark said, “Is Obama a lefty? Get it? Lefty”?
Not only is he a lefty,… he’s a tosser.
You’ve been banned from coming over to my house.You obviously can’t handle the snortin the crystal anymore. STFU!
Knox vs. Slates
The premature ejaculations in America are registering on the Richter Scale as we speak.
@BR’s Dealer:
Where you been mate? I thought that $3.50 I paid you to score my last bottle of Jack would feed your whole litter for six weeks.
I’m running on empty here broheim.
You want $2.00?
I know I’m going to hell and when I get there I’m positive David Stanfied will be announcing Los Angeles Dodgers games in place of Vin Scully.
Lmfao @ The Nug 11:09pm
To surf J-Bay with only one other person while a 7-14-09 swell pumps I would cook, do the laundry and hit up the farmers market on Saturday morning with CaliGirl for a month. Oh yeah and I wouldn’t roll over and hammer a pabst blue ribbon until she was satisfied too.
Good morning,
To surf J-bay during that swell I have Adriano’s Neanderthal Arms attached so I’d be force to drag my knuckles forever.
Anyone think Dane lost the “Adriano” he had yesterday and surfed way smother today?
between GT and Dane Reynolds, I’d rather listen to raccoons fuck.
BR,
Guess you didn’t hear the latest news. That $3.50 went to my landlord. Rent went up in the projects again. That fuckin’ Obama is killing me. And that bitch of a wife got pregnant by her new boyfriend.
So yeah, I’ll take the $2.00 but you’ll have to take the shit I cut with talcum powder. Deal?
@ BR @ 11:07 pm
I thought you were mr. big bucks hotshot Hollywood writer carrer dude? You can’t even anty up for a bindy and a bottle? Barney.
I meant career dude.
Clock is ticking on SlaTen… Will the ocean bend to the Champ’s will yet again?
@Mark & BR’s Dealer:
And by ‘rent’ and ‘projects,’ one can only assume you meant ‘hookers’ and ‘my Hawaiian-style’ projects.
@Ted,
I will film it, package that shit in inconspicuous brown paper, and send it to you for viewing pleasure.
And that ladies… has decided the world title. thank you Mr. Bonehead
ha ha Slater loses…
so desperate, PMark, please stop.
stalesfield is sucking, put an exclamation point on it…
Well, my heat sheet looks okay right now.
Joel Joel Joel Joel Joel Joel Joel Joel Joel
Wow, Kelly is gone. Yesterday is yesterday and all Tknox had to do was catch one wave.
B.R… How have you been?
@Fisher,
Would you feel comfortable subsituting ‘Joel’ for ‘Choke’?
Me either.
…except I’ve seen this before.
From where have you seen? Joel choke? Never!
Holy shit 5 guys left for me. I got 4 guys already in the quarters. Dingo, Sean Holmes, Parko, TKnox but there is no way Damo beats Bede. 800 possible?
Fantasy surfer is like golf right… lowest score wins? Lipke is my team captain
Slater.v.TK was as anti-climatic as Tiny GTim Cratchit on a desert island with a wanton Norwegian woman. No love.
@Mike
Desperate? Go to fucking sleep old man! This is how the late show rolls.
Damo looks like he is in slo mo compared to Bobby.
Slater vs. T-Knox was as anti-climatic as two padded helmets worn by Stansfield and Egan, as they clash above the control board with each struggle for a cohesive thought.
pullin’ a parko:
fucking blowing it when it counts.
Tiny Tim and Kelly Slater was as painful as a naked sleigh ride behind Taj’s Burro through a cactus farm. Needled to death by a wise-ass.
Kelly gave Stanfield a rebuff on a question about the Brazil contest. The pros seem to hate him. He sucks.
Kelly went down in similar fashion as Adriano. Just turned down by the ocean, nothing of his fault. I hope Parko loses for the sake of the year. Gotta have some drama!
Come on mr lewis, you are better than this. Way better.
Battle of the beards.
Yes, I know… you would think there were two strippers named Jean Whoreison and Kai Oughten, surfing for the right to smother GT’s sexuality.
And yes, those Hobgood’s talk WAY too much. They sound like Fembots speaking Farsi.
@ BR:
If it were still apartheid, would Jordy Smith have been allowed to surf the contest?
@booger If I had to pick a winner, I’d pick you.
If apartheid still ruled this contest, the only thing darker than Dean Morrison’s chin pubes floating in this line-up, would be remnants from B-Mart’s popcorn farts.
And by ‘apartheid,’ I assume you mean your anal fissure.
@BR 12:22am
“…Fembots speaking Farsi” Lmfao!
yeah its been kinda painful lately
@GT
We want our clothes back
Ummm… anyone have a full size cardboard cutout of Dane that I can make love to?
Can a brother get a water shot? I stopped trying to figure out how Mr. Reynolds made that barrel when my brain threatened to implode.
Fuck the full size cardboard cutouts of Dane… I just jizzed my pants after Dane’s last ride.
munDane has been vanquished.
NICE ONE GT YOU FUCKING IDIOT………>WHY DON’T YOU TALK ABOUT BILLABONG’s MARKETING INITIATIVES (BECAUSE I GIVE A FUCK) WHILE DANE GET’S A 10 POINT RIDE!? NICE ONE…AND NICE SCARF….WATCHING YOU IS PURE TORTURE………FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DMFR! danemotherfuckingreynolds
Tailslide = 10 Damn!!
Shitfuckdickcockcunt!!
I think I remember some people in this chat room downplaying Dane’s surfing in a previous post. Hmm… any comments about that one?
fuck the watch, give him the contest
Mark from Santa Barbara has been hating on Dane all day.
Dane = Mark’s Mother’s elastic cunt-hole… minus thirty years. In other words… no, way!!
Dave Mailman???????????????????????????
shitpisschristfuck!!! could Dane win?
@Meatwad:
Cuntdiarreahanalfissurefucknut!! Yep!
Does anyone know who is sponsoring the Jeffrey’s Bay event right now…. I CAN’T FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT…..FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHOW ME ANOTHER BILLABONG LOGO EVERY TEN SECONDS…..>SHOW ME YOUR HIGH SCHOOL VIDEO PRODUCTION COMMERCIALS OF YOUR FUCKING STRETCHY SHORTS AGAIN FOR THE 100th TIME…..I”M FUCKING SPRINTING OUT TO BUY YOUR BOARDSHORTS RIGHT NOW!!!!! DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE EVENT…..>RUN ADS OVER IT AND HAVE IT BUTCHERED BY GT….NICE ONE YOU FLITHY CUNTS!
Did Occy just say we have GT on the dick?
Dane is on fire today for sure… I take back all the dane/adriano comparisons, plus the ribbon magnet on his dodge says “support partying”
FILTHY CUNTS thats what they should have called the new video!
ten ten ten ten ten
Meet Joel Parkinson. Your 2009 world champion. And look forward to another Hawaiian season with no title drama.
The waves are so good that even BR could score a 69 @ J bay today (backdoor’n the tube)
CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE
it aint over yet
@ Got it
Good call.
parko is a knob.
ok ok..boo damien
Vote for Bolinas to be a socially acknowledged nature-loving town because to like to drink the water out of the lakes to like to eat the blueberries to like the bears is not hatred to hotels and motor boats. Dakar. Temporary and way to save life, skunks and foxes (airplanes to go over the ocean) and to make it beautiful.
@ BLASFAMOUS FUCKFACE…
CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE
YEAH BITCH
looks like slater is going to have to start his own tour to win # 10.
So Mr. Rottface…
Um… i think that you said joel may choke and ummmmmm i don’t think he did um…………… how’s my pretzel now? still doughy??? maybe put it in the oven and make it your own…. how’s your wife and kids? NEGLECTED MUCH?
Woah! How was that?!? Sorry, BR, I popped out to watch the end on a flat screen at a friend’s place. The CEO is very happy with Parko’s ripping and with Lewis’ post. He sends his thanks to LS for the kind words, and to Mother Nature and Huey for the offshore winds and the epic surf, as well as to God for blessing Parko with such smooth lines!
Personally, I’m just a bit bummed that Dane didn’t make the final. Parko v. Dane, how epic would that have been?!? Anyway, keep those fingers crossed for that dream final at Trestles! Stranger things have happened…
Now, dammit Lewis, get to work on those Power Rankings!!!
While you wait for the next Post, which will hopefully be the first installment of the latest PR’s, check out K9’s latest ITW on surfermag.com where he tries to deny knowledge and distance himself from the organizers of the “new” tour. Pretty funny if as rumor has it they are actually his managers or at the very least long time close friends. We shall see!
Speaking of RUMORS (sorry Lewis if this one’s already out there)… There’s a good one going around that the Top 45 is sick of the 16 Hawaiian wildcards scenario, and that they may boycott Pipe if it’s not run with a normal 3 wildcard format. If that is the case, the title would be decided at the Search event in Portugal.
NB: This RUMOR does not come from a source at ASP, but from someone connected enough to the tour circus to give it some credibility… Where there’s smoke, there’s fire?
Is Slater intentionally destroying the thing that made him famous? Perhaps the ultimate ego move.
From literary giant Tim Baker, today on Surfline:
“‘That’s the only way he can win… If he’s prepared, he loses,’ girlfriend Courtney remarked, before complimenting me on my green chord jacket. Both Dane and Courtney were delighted to learn that I had purchased said jacket from a Salvation Army thrift shop for $7, and an instant bond was formed.”
And then Timmy danced, grinning desperately, and offered eat to their poop. And the bond, tragically, was diminished.
From Surfline (call me a heretic, sorry):
“The only thing I will adamantly say is that it’s not ‘Kelly’s Tour,’” Tinley stated. Matthew Tinley (who along with Kelly’s manager Terry Hardy) will “neither confirm or deny” any rumors about the specifics of said tour, explaining: “It’s best if we have a view of the whole system rather than piece bits of it out — it’s best to lay it out to everyone in detail all at once.”
Tinley said the timeline for the announcement could be in August.
Kelly had this to say:
“We’ll think and talk this thing out as much as needs to be done. There’s no plan to get rid of ASP as far as I know. It seems very necessary to work with them, but the WCT is not ever going to truly evolve with the platform and agreements we have with the events owning the tour and our product being handled the way it has been for all these years. There is talk about money and all that, but it’s secondary. The real issue is packaging what we have and what we do properly for people to enjoy in the best way possible. Obviously, it goes without saying it has to make sense and be good for all involved but things don’t always appear that way when people first hear about something. Once shock and controversy wears off people get to the root of the problems and find sensible answers. Hopefully that happens quickly for everyone.”
ESPN has some ties to this tour trumor(true rumor)also. What the FUCK is up with JOB and Chas Smith? Are they doing strange things to each other with red bull cans and astro or what? Niggas are addicted to twitter like little faggot rich white kids living in the Hamptons for the summer.
Here are ESPN, ASP, and SIMA’s statements on the issue. See, Surfline is good for some things…
ESPN’s Chris Stiepock is also fairly tight-lipped about the whole thing. “We’re definitely interested and in discussions with a group establishing a new global surf tour,” he told Surfline. “But I can’t comment in detail about what’s going on because nothing is contractual yet.”
Here’s the newest official statement from the ASP’s CEO Brodie Carr:”At present, ASP has not received any proposals or information regarding this matter. As such, we cannot offer a view, state a position or comment. We remain open to listening to any new proposal. We are committed to working closely with our immensely-talented athletes and core industry supporters in delivering our international fan base credible Men’s and Women’s World Champions who surf the world’s best waves. In addition to the Men’s and Women’s World Championship Tour, ASP governs the WQS, Longboard, Masters and Juniors globally”.
As far as the brands are concerned, Terry Hardy and a few partners pitched the concept to the Surf Industry Manufacturer’s Association (SIMA) last week. Surfline contacted SIMA President and Vans VP of Marketing Doug Palladini to find out his take.
“I can talk about it from Vans’ position as an ASP license holder but SIMA doesn’t have a take on it yet,” he explained. “And while we look forward to hearing more about the new tour concept, and are planning to meet directly with the principals involved in the coming weeks, we also want to reiterate our support of the ASP World Tour, of which we are a part,” he continued. “Vans, along with our partners at Billabong, Quiksilver, and Rip Curl, have invested our time, money, brand equity and other substantial resources to grow the World Tour — take a look at tour webcasting and its online global following, for example — and we’re as committed as ever to its long-term success as a vital part of the surfing culture and its surrounding industry.”
@ lewis
seems like it’s time to make a message board on this site.
@ Jamon Bagel, and, yes, this is the guy who also wrote the classic surf story:
CHEST ZIPS ARE SO HOT RIGHT NOW
I don’t know what’s up with this Lewis guy and that StabMag hater, surf journalism is in good hands, we just need Sarge to come back and it’s all good.
My vote for “Comment of the Week” goes to ‘yeah’ above.
Ok, Dave, you’re a heretic.
Good post LW.
Pro Surfing must die.
How weak is the ASP that random rumors inspire an official response Mailman…..
Kelly hit the nail on the head, wrestle the product from it’s advertisers. ( And he reps the biggest )
What happened to the REmatch, Occy’s desperate plea for a do over? Curren won you inarticulate mess, so go back to your insufferable self promotion. Then watch a vid or yourself Marky, looking real slow, molasses, for sure.
You’re a pussy Post Mark, pingback when you knew I’d be moving on for the night.
Dane and Kelly lose heats without waves, Parko claims the title without surfing against a regular foot for the last three rounds. Wow, talk about fortune. He deserves the title.
Hand it to Stu, he a thinker, even when wrong. Kelly may just be forcing a hand for altruistic reasons. I think he really cares about this shit and maybe he’s willing to fall on the sword to see the whole thing restructure. To join the booth after a frustrating loss shows consummate sportmanship, maybe he sees a day when that is his function and he wants to use the leverage he has now to initiate what we all want for the future. An independent ASP.
@the Nug….. “It’s raining 10’s, Hallelujah it’s raining 10’s, it’s raining 10’s Hallelujah, It’s raining 10’s” There’s your lyrics bro, but I’d rethink the ping pong ball ass tricks unless you are in Paul Naude’s office and you had the empty Jbay agreement on his desk ready to sign.
@Dave “Pro”dan.(ASP media) Please post the new ratings ! Why does it take you so long ? U should be on that shit ! It took you over a week to post the ratings after Brazil. People do actually give a damn. I realize the champagne was probably flowin’, but POST THE F***IN RATINGS !!! Thank you.
Actually some decent observations from Mike. I think we all know that if the waves kept pouring in non stop like”7-14-09″( my quote not B.R.’) then Slater or Dane would have met Parko in the final, probably Slater. But then the real question would be who would have won between Joel and Kelly if they both caught 5 flawless 6 footers in the final? I say Parko at this point but it is simply silly speculation.
I was hoping for a wild west showdown at Pipe but it looks instead to be a Parko love fest. 2009 will be the 6th year in a row that the title was wrapped up before Hawaii. Oh well at least the Chargers are going to win the super bowl and Bama will win the national championship. And, if I am lucky, I will be paddling out to Rocky Point in mid-November and a sparkly, blond little nug will paddle up to me and say “hi! my name is CaliGirl! whats yours?”
“And, if I am lucky, I will be paddling out to Rocky Point in mid-November and a sparkly, blond little nug will paddle up to me and say ‘hi! my name is CaliGirl! whats yours?’”
To which you’ll respond, “My name is Magnum Q. Meatwhistle, so nice to meat you.”
(slinks back into retirement)
If I could surf perfect J-Bay alone on a 7-14-09 swell I would quit commenting on Post Surf.
Come to think of it I think I will anyway. Aloha means goodbye Lewis.
John, the new rankings are up. They have been since my last comment at least…
Mike, are you talking about Brodie commenting on the “Kelly’s manager’s tour”, or me asking for comments on the Pipe boycott rumor. Either way, I don’t understand the attack (the new tour concept exists, and I’m just asking for opinions on a Pipe boycott by the 45). I think you’re just taking some of your pent up anger for Mark out on me. It’s OK, dude. That’s how you roll.
Mike needs to roll on outta here for awhile. I am tired of that guys bullshit rants and needling jabs at pro surfing. Hey Mike if you don’t like the tour then why don’t you drive down to the South bay and hit up the pro beach volleyball tour. It is always 6 foot and perfect conditions for them but I am sure you will find something to bitch about.
Mike needs a looong vacation. We’re sick of his crap.
Bye Mark! We will miss you! Say hi to your mom!
P.S. Ban Mike!!!!!!!
Read the comments. Those Aussies don’t hold back!
Also sick of Blasphemy Rottmouth’s stupid, filthy “erotic fantasies” (e.g., July 14, 10:01pm). Explain how the fuck they belong here? The stuff is not even funny. Take it somewhere else.
I have thoroughly enjoyed all of John’s brilliant commentary on this site.
Is it just me or did Dane get ripped in the heat against Damo? Watch the replay. Dane mixed it up, turns, buckets etc… thought he should have made the final.
Bros, Bras, and Brus, there is really no reason to ban someone from a blog where the readers can post comments. It’s pretty simple - if you don’t like someone’s posts, don’t read them.
Moreover, I find it ironic that on a blog created by someone who made his reputation by needling others and getting under others’ skin, there are people calling for a ban of someone who leaves comments that some consider “bullshit rants and needling jabs at pro surfing.” It is ridiculous.
Ok, Mike can come back now.
At this point, I’m happy that the title will most likely be wrapped up before Pipe. This will make it much easier for a boycott in protest of the wild card situation to happen.
@ Dave…. you posted the Official response, not a slam on you. Kelly’s imaginery tour has people nervous because everyone can pick out the flaws in a very transparent current system. Should not have used your name, it wasn’t intended. For what it’s worth, I’d be in favor of a Pipe boycott. The ASP has systemic vulnerability from every flank. My apologies to you and your fiancee Davo for my perceived insolence, past and present.
But the perception is that I am angry, mean and apparently banned. Thin skins read insecurity, not challenge. Haven’t had a solid surf since last October and I may be projecting that frustration. California is done, at least the warm part. I left Newport 5 years ago for greener pastures and after 3 yearsof living a continuous surf trip, a drought hit that continues today. Not faring well.
Even though John is so gracious as to allow me “back”, several others find me too ascerbic, which on a feel good website like this is probably inappropriate.
Wow, Mark quitting and Mike resigning in one day.
I guess surfers are always going to be damned one way or the other. Either the tour isn’t good enough and we’re complaining about how it could be better. Or, we get what we wish for. And a strange bedfellow steps in and creates the best thing since Blue Crush, with Mickey Mouse and Nike motivating the masses to ‘just do it’ and paddle out at your local break. Rock and a hard place. Such is the nature of enjoying a limited resource.
I don’t know what to do at this point
And by ‘tour’, I mean wetsuits, boards and everything else.
Excuse my ignorance, could you explain to how pipe ended up with 16 wildcards? A boycott would give you all a lot to talk about.
confirmed: Dane was ripped
And I just did the math on my pre-contest proclamations:
Kekoa = 17th – Booya!
Jordy = 5th or worse - Booya!
Slater = 3rd – ehhhh.
Bede = Top 4 – errrr.
Mick Campbell = 1st - Damn!
Keep in mind, these predictions were predicated on the assumption of shitty waves. Which, fortunately, did not come to pass for the decisive rounds.
In short, my roll of the dice, when adjusted for inflation, was in fact, perfect.
As per usual, PacNW makes one of the most salient points of the day.
Clueless, it’s a long story. The short of it is Pipe hasn’t always been a World Tour event. Through history it’s been invitational as well, and when it’s an invite only there are more Hawaiians. So, a compromise was struck to make everyone happy, which is having 16 wildcards instead of 3, so more Hawaiians can participate. And because of permit issues they can’t have a separate ASP tour event and a specialty event at Pipe…
@ Heinz Phillips
Hi Lewis! How is Bolinas on this fine summer morning? Foggy? Figures.
Have a nice day! Hopefully you can take another trip to Desert Point soon and get another 20 second tube ride. Plus you can spend some quality time down there with J.O.B. and the boys!
If Lewis is Heinz Phillips AND CaliGirl does that make him a transexual or transgender or whatever you people in San Francisco call it?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I live in Bro Diego. I’m just calling a spade a spade.
Oye! Firts off, how about a little sympathy thrown my way? Im still being mounted by every burro, in every country on the tour! Never getting a break!
OK, now. If Occy the Ocker can fall flat on his uhh, umm, err, ahh, slurp, slurp pie hole, and still get scored a 5.00, then something is really seriously wrong with these ASP judges.
On a second note, why is it that Joel’s voice sounds as annoying as Gilbert Gottfried?
@ Dave Mailman
Aren’t there already multiple events at Pipe? (Monster Energy Pipeline Pro, Da Hu’i Backdoor Shootout, and the Pipe Masters) And, of those three, isn’t the Da Hu’i contest considered a specialty event?
@Peter Perfect
AGGRESSIVE JOURNALISTIC FELLATING OF PRO SURFERS AND THEIR SPONSORS IS SO HOT RIGHT NOW!
Can we add Joel Patterson to our list of hard hitting pencil packers?
His feature on Knost really sets the standard in this category.
Got to agree with Heinz Phillips.
The internet allows a new form of cult:…. The correspondence cult.
You don’t need to shave your head and go off to the mountains. You can be in the cult and keep your day job.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Its called free speech.
So everyone against it can fuck off.
If some doesn’t like what others say, go somewhere else and become a evil dictator, and oppress your own subjects, ya wankers!
Why is it that when he’s interviewed, Joel Parkinson reminds me of that other dynamic tosser of a public speaker, John Kerry?
How is Steds rated ahead of Kling when?
@ Taj’s Burro
You make it so sound so easy to become an evil dictator. Actually it’s a lot of hard work, let me tell you…
Vanilla Fuckery, that’s why there isn’t room for splitting the Pipe Masters into two events (1 for the Top 45, and 1 for Pipe specialists), because all the permits have already been issued for the other ones…
One last thought after a great (dare I say historic) few days of surfing. Possibly the best thing about JBay, with the exception of Holmes lines (smoother than Parko?), is that Dane has finally got a taste for winning. We saw it a bit on the Goldy against Curran, and the competitive fire against Taj, but I’ve got a feeling that this is only the beginning of much bigger things to come from Mr. Reynolds. Maybe only a few more flashes this year (think Trestles, France and Portugal where he will feel right at home), but next year he’ll have found his comfort zone and when he does, he is going to blow our freakin’ minds!!! I can’t wait!
PS: Try to imagine what’s going on in Lewis’ world right now. He must be frothing in his own unique and peculiar way. I’d love to be a fly on the wall and check out how many bottles of vodka he’s dusted and how many he’s got in the freezer to get him through a weeks worth of writing Power Rankings. Do you think he’s been preparing material since Brazil, or has he been procrastinating, and letting the pressure and adrenaline build through JBay for maximum effect after the final climax that we all witnessed today, Parko making a pig of himself?!?
Where is “Loving Jewish Couple”?
Taj’s Burro, the judging panel obviously inflated the scale a bit for the Icons heat (especially the 2nd one), but it didn’t change the result. All of their waves would have scored a point or two lower if they were surfing against the Top 45. Still, as K9 said during Icon Rd 1, either of them would have had a shot at making it through a round or two of the regular contest if they had been given wild cards.
@ Mailman
Holmes smoother than Parko? GTFOOH!!!!!!
We were just beginning to think you would make a great ASP Pres Dave.
I guess that French hash is even more killah than I heard it was.
BTW
I am not Mike but I think M @ 2:41 pm is.
Yeah, Former Commenter (admit it, you’re an addict), I enjoyed Holmes style (his whole act actually)! See the question mark? So, you are the first vote for Parko in the Great Parko v. Holmes Best Style at JBay Debate. You’ll have to come back for more PS and follow along. You’ll have to find a new Name to comment under so we won’t know how worthless and weak you are not to be able to stay away from Lewis! Come out of the closet! Addict! Admit it! First step to recovery from Post Surf Addiction!
Mr Samuels, I doubt that a well educated and discerning media man like yourself seriously believes that you can deface ASP’s copyrighted images and republish them on the internet with impunity. I can only presume that you are either very brave or very, very stupid.