There will be Power Rankings. Why? I don't know.
Joel Parkinson will be the 2009 World Champion. Why? We do know.
Meanwhile, a 30 minute lull in South Africa, which happened to coincide with Kelly Slater's heat, may have put a bullet through the brain of the ASP. Plenty of irony on tap, as the Billabong Pro managed to prove the validity of the current world tour just as it may have definitively snuffed out its future.
Kelly needs to win. The last 20 years of competitive surfing have proved very few things. This is one of them. Kelly needs to win, and the ocean isn't letting him. And now he might just burn the building down as he walks out the door.
Competitive surfing is a false construct built on the backs of false idols - sad drunks turned into dancing bears by the powers that be. Competitive surfing is another vain attempt to instill order where there is none. The ASP are the French, trying to build the Panama Canal. Will Kelly be America?
I write this from a fluorescent cell in the labyrinth of Corporate America. I don't need to write any of this anymore. It means nothing. But I write anyway. I don't know the men I write about about, and they don't know me. But we trudge onwards, through white screens of digital snow, searching for things worth caring about, searching for stories worth telling.
I am number one.
Worst. Post. Ever.
But still the best blog ever.
Can’t wait for the new tour ! Still bummed on Brasil…
Somehow the best guys have to get pushed through heats where there are 30 min. lulls. Nobody wins (except for Taylor) when Slater goes down that way. I’m an advocate for biased judging where one surfer is clearly better than another but the ocean isn’t doing her part. Dane did not and should not have lost to D. Hobgood either. This supposed new tour has one thing about it that sounds good; only 16 surfers on it.
If it wasn’t for the new format I don’t think Parko would have as big of a lead as he does now. Look at what happened in Brazil by not using the new format of single elimination. I don’t like it. I know it cuts the time frame down so that they maximize the swell window but also I lose out on a day of watching competition at work in my depressing office on my computer so my boss doesn’t see it.
Oh well….sucks for me =)
Look at the current rankings. In this new tour, who below 16, and who above the current rank of 16 should stay or go?
As to a tour of 16,…. this would cut the fat. Cut the wait to the absolute very best days. And allow for more time per heat.
Still, the best way to run it would be to imitate real life.
All 16 surf at the same time.
As to today’s post by Lewis.
Brilliant.
Similar to a tour of 16…..Absolutely cut to the soul, brill!!!
As to this impending tour of 16, assuming I’m in,
does my Burro and me count as one?
Please, I need something, anything. Something to keep the remainder of the year interesting, something to keep me from my work and family, keep me up at night, or awake in the morning. Joel needs to go! Crown him world champ then pay him off and than bar him from the remainder of the tour, throw out some outrageous prize to whomever gets second place. Change the format, throw out their current rankings, fuck it, I don’t care, just Make them hungry. The US open is offering $100,000 to get top tier guys to surf shithouse Huntington, what will you do to make them continue to entertain us. Make the monkeys dance, damnit, dance monkeys, dance.
1.Aritz
2. JOB
3. Sofia M.
4. Chris Cote
5. Betet
6. Ross Williams
7. Kala A.
8. Laird H.
9. Derek R.
10. GT
11. Lewis
12. Losness
13. Mark
14. Rodrigo
15. Micah B.
16. Sean Fucking Holmes !
………………Dora Lives…………………
“sad drunks turned into dancing bears”.
Huh?
The Tour of the SixTeens?
Does this mean I’m in, or I’m out?
What would surfing, what would life itself be without drunks and prescrition drugs?
Even if i have to sell my burro to make the room,
Your in Andy.
It’s late, and I’M drunk. Smashed in the paddock with my favorite farrier.
It’s prescription drugs.
Sorry.
Best post ever. The surf world and the ASP need Jimmy Slade, and Jimmy’s looking for a new place to play. I’m just curious as to who is going to go with him on the new tour? And how long will it take for everyone to forgive them for it?
i hate my cubicle.
kill me now.
@Brody…I disagree. Good post.
This paragraph is golden.
“I write this from a fluorescent cell in the labyrinth of Corporate America. I don’t need to write any of this anymore. It means nothing. But I write anyway. I don’t know the men I write about, and they don’t know me. But we trudge onwards, through white screens of digital snow, searching for things worth caring about, searching for stories worth telling.”
In fact a lonely teardrop cascaded down my cheek, to my chin and dropped to my beige slacks. Now I can get up from my cubicle for at least 10 minutes because my co-workers will think I pissed myself.
@ lewis
how long did it take you to think up this brilliant post?
Despite his claims to the contrary, Kelly needs pro surfing. Without it, while remaining the best surfer ever, he’s really nothing special in the larger scheme. All the music, all the ideas from this alleged great thinker, all the great plans - they all turn to dust. Without pro surfing, Kelly ends up doing videos with Rob, who already understands that being a single, uneducated, middle-aged man in the sunset of his career ain’t necessarily all it’s cracked up to be. I, for one, like the ASP as it stands. Let the next generation sort out its issues. Kelly’s done and should move on gracefully. But he won’t.
@ NUG
YES. ABSOLUTELY.
Fucking sick Lewis. Thanks for writing and posting.
Why? Because it’s the best writing in professional surfing.
Funniest thing i have read in two days “Make the monkeys dance, damnit, dance monkeys, dance.” Actually I’m with you on the whole post.
BTW Mr.Knox won the Nixon highest scoring heat in 2008 with a 19.70. Yes Kelly had no waves, but after Taylor’s 8.0 there were no waves for EITHER one of them. BTW I found out where GT stole the ultra fabulous fingerless mitten look.
Sounds like Lewis finally got a damn job…Next thing you know he’ll be a republican too
I think the contest format should be like playing HORSE. But maybe it could spell LAKER WARMUP or COURTESY FLUSH. One surfer does a trick, and each one after has to copy. Maybe even on the same wave. 16 surfers all trying to do Dane Reynolds’ tail reverse on the same friggin’ wave. Can’t do it? Go home bro!
Lewis should only do a sixteen man power rankings…
Top 16 and ASP: You can take surfers out of the fuckery but you can’t take the fuckery out of surfers, it’s in our nature, we surf and then once again thughts of fuckery come to mind. Any backers of a new tour, would do well to remember that any crew of 16 surfers will bring them more fuckery than they can possible imagine existing in their self-enclosed business/slave-trade worlds.
best moment at jbay?
‘clash of the icons heat recap video’ at 24 seconds from the very end.
tom curren gets shitcanned over the bricks. hilarious physical comedy, tom.
Some great waves at J-Bay, I really enjoyed watching the event. But thank fuck its over because that means no more GT.
The Slater heat was a fucking joke. There were no goddamned waves to surf. Same thing with Dane’s semi.
At least people are talking about how shitty the state of things is competitively. When so many heats are decided by a lack of surf, you’ve got a major problem.
I heard that the wind blows offshore in Nicaragua over 300 days a year.
This one is a keeper; thanks, Lewis. Welcome to the cellblock and dream the impossible dream.
@ John @ 1:25 pm
You listed “Mark” at #13 on your list. Which “Mark” are you referring to?
@Mark
Think you know whick “Mark” he means…Mark Richards!
No…Mark Phillipoussis.
Mark and I sell cars for a living. We don’t have to sit in a cubicle all day because we are out on the lot rockin and rollin and shuckin and jivin and jokin with chicks.Then when the surf comes up we just call in sick and the boss doesn’t care as long as we are productive when we ARE at work.All of you desk jockeys are a bunch of losers. Especially Lewis.
Great post lewis. Got your mojo back!
ASPworldtour will live on. It’s great, its got everything, the top talent, the lineage, the history.
It just needs a few tinkering. Less top surfers makes sense. More prize money makes sense. Cutting down some venues makes sense.
Maybe they could get add some rule that if there is a 15 minute lull it just gets added to the remainder of the heat.
“I don’t need to write any of this anymore. It means nothing.”
Yes, you are correct. Looking forward to reading the PostSurf Obituary.
Maybe if Parsons had started the contest a day earlier he could have run the Quarters, Semi and Finals on the day it was pumping. I don’t really understand the point of waiting until the good surf shows up to start, because then you have to pray it holds till the end.
Slater got robbed and we missed seeing a great Final.
OK hindsight is 20/20!
yeah parko!!! wait what do you mean my comment was too short. i dont get it wordpress. hows this for a long comment. woooo parko!!
But Snips comes across as a fucking genius! He can’t possibly get it wrong. The same way Luke ‘bore everyone to fucking tears on a microphone’ Egan was surfing 4ft consistent lefts in Tahiti after he called a contest lay day at chopes.
Yeah! Powerankings! I’ve looking forward to it! Thanks for postsurf.com!
Taj was –> R.O.B.B.E.D <– in last year’s Lowerw final.
no WAY Slater’s last ride was worth 9 points.
Robbed. Just like Bernie Madoff. but WORSE. we’re talking about a young man’s career, surf titles are more important than rich people’s life savings.
I think one of the main reasons for the Ennui in the pro ranks in Europe & Brazil last year, Andy’s visible loss of enthusiasm for what can be one of the most fun jobs in the world - are related to the judges lack of appreciation for Taj’s efforts in the 2008 Lowers final.
Kelly’s last ride i think
one of Taj’s rides, mostly Kelly’s rides including his carving 360 which i don’t think was part of a top scoring ride. still fun to watch though -
I think if Taj had won that event, a lot more guys would have showed up for Brazil.
Former Commenter who has quit but still wants to say something. Trauzer, quit fucking around and jump in, the waters great.
Lewis I feel your pain buddy. Honestly though, you don’t need to know the men to shine a light on their fuckle(tm). Everything is tainted with human’s own bad will. Slater was fucked and DaveT summed it up nicely.
I think at this point Power rankings would be pointless. What real eveidence do you have to base them on?
GT=cumdumpster
can we have a July Power Ranking and another pre-Trestles Power Ranking ?
is Jay Thompson going to surf the whole year ? i’m not complaining, just wandering.
@ yeah
hilarious. needs to go on youtube. curren got pwned.
>best moment at jbay?
>http://www.billabongpro.com/jbay09/videos.php?rLingua=gb&rDay=9
>‘clash of the icons heat recap video’ at 24 seconds from the very end.
>tom curren gets shitcanned over the bricks. hilarious physical comedy, >tom.
@ Huge Boner
Man you are real Barnaby Jones aren’t you? I bet if we had sent you to Iraq we would have found those WMD’s in a week.
I took a huge bong rip of DMT and I get it now. Lewis has a job. I say monetize this shit and quit that fuckery. You’re the greatest writer in surfing, not some corporate lackey.
@BIL-O BIL-O : 300 days a year is total bullshit perpetuated by lying industry types. BTW what kind of boardshorts should I buy?
Fuck the ASP. Parsons rigged the contest by having Parko surf his round three heat a day earlier than Slater so he’d be more fresh. Fucking bullshit. Fuck Billabong, fuck Brodi Carr, Fuck the ASP, here’s to Kelly’s tour being done the right way and the ASP going to shit.
Yes Mark. You.
Kelly S. would be an alternate.
@ John
Mark said he is really starting to like you John and he hopes you have a distinguished career on Post Surf. Mark is down in the basement right now taking a break from the world.
@Hugh G Rection
Although I think that was Mark…….CANNONBALL!!!!!!!! AWWW..IT’S GREAT!!
That was definitely a great contest. Even though I quit, I’d wake up (for work) dick in one hand and blackberry in the other…reading all the commentary was what it must have been like listening to the world series on the radio back in the day (even though all this fuckery is the most modern technology)
After three days of this shit, however, I’m ready to turn the discussion to something long, girthey, veiny, purple helmeted, and ready to stick into PeterPerfect’s Perfectly positioned mouth!!
PeterPerfect=PerfectCumDumpster!!!
Waves were perfect. Surfing was almost perfect. Kicking out on a wave that is half way through it’s energy not perfect. We all know how to blow our nuts premeditated. What a shame. Great tube ride but so much more to make it “perfect”. Good on you Post Surfer”. I commend you. What the fuck is a “10″! I’m disappointed too buddy.
If BR could have surfed J-bay on 7-14-09 with one other guy out (with the suspect assumption that he wouldn’t be paddling after the guy trying to grab his neoprene-bound package) he probably would’ve gone over the falls and gotten swept into the bricks.
If Trauzersnake could have surfed J-bay on 7-14-09 with one other guy out; he would have gladly walked through the searing ignited flatus of David Hasselhoff, whilst suffering repeated strikes of pig testes fired out of a modified paintball gun before dragging a cinderblock behind him via pink yarn, and a treble hook snagged in his weenie’s bulbous head… just for the chance to lick the discarded batteries in GT’s TV remote control before paddling out.
If I could have surfed J-bay on 7-14-09 with one other guy out; I would have fucked a frozen flank of turtle meat while treading through a sea of lactating moose nipples.
And don’t fucking tell me you wouldn’t to… gawdammit!
“Competitive surfing is a false construct built on the backs of false idols - sad drunks turned into dancing bears by the powers that be. Competitive surfing is another vain attempt to instill order where there is none.”
Amen.
@BR
If you took out GT’s batteries…….then, yeah, definitely.
Dudes I think heats should be “20 ridable waves”, or something, so sad Knox knocked off Slater only to not advance. Slater’s R2 heat was off the chart, we got robbed of a great final. Also sad Damo winning by .07 against Dane, Damo was boring but Dane was off the chart- just wish Parko had been challenged in the final.
@ BR it would be ‘too’ not ‘to.’ But a 9.17 nonetheless.
just wanted to let you know youre the most interesting surf writer out there. think this post-surfline thing will work in your favor my man. hope to share some waves with you somewhere in the world someday
Imagine if there was some FUCKHEAD from Nike talking about their WORTHLESS MARKETING initiatives RIGHT OVER THE TOP of TIGER WOODS getting A HOLE IN ONE on a live broadcast
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT everyone’s favorite dickhead why the fuck I am on screen does anybody know why commentator “GEE TEE” DID YESTERDAY WITH HIS SOUTH AFRICAN “MARKETING PARTNER” INTERVIEW (WHO GIVES A FUCK) WHILE DANE POSTED A PERFECT 10.
These boardshort companies have been drinking their own logo infected urine and controlling the asp for so long they have lost the plot entirely.
The ASP’s act is so fucking sad and pathetic it makes me want to puke all over myself for even tuning in to get WATERBOARDED by 900 million Billabong Logos, Employees, Boardshorts, Music, Movies and everything else they stab into your eye.
CANT WAIT UNTIL IT ALL CHANGES…>GIVE US A FUCKING BREAK YOU MARKETING OBSESSED CORPOS!!!!
what he said and wipe the cobra factory off earth while your at it
anyone else think it’s funny a bunch of american guys started a factory called cobra? “GI joe american hero”
I once duct-taped a pair of mongoose lips to my taint before dropping in on Joe Curren at Rincon… he later thanked me with a box of delicious oatmeal-raisin cookies.
I am out of the basement! Just wondering. How long will the J-Bay on 7-14-09 analogies go on? If somewhere else is EPIC in the next few contests will the date trend continue?
I personally doubt it. No matter how good the other venues get, including Pipe, to me there is just SOMEThING about perfect J-Bay. I am claiming that those 4 to 6 hours on 7-14-09 at Jeffreys Bay South Africa were pretty much as good as pro surfing gets.
And another thing. Don’t get me wrong because Kai Ottens first pig dog section on his huge score against Parko was impressive but you have to admit that the first TWO backside lip slams directly after were good but simply a notch or TWO below the level of Parko-Slater etc.
I feel the judges feel that there is simply an unquantifiable half a point off the record difference when someone at this level is not 100% on in the style department. The judges got it right brah. Joel is WAY better than Kai. Sorry mate. And BTW I here CaliGirl hates beards.
Congrats Parko!!!!! I can’t recall the last time one man dominated an event like you just did! You deserve the title mate!
P.S. When I saw Damo in the quarters I felt he was simply winning on competitive savvy. However against Dane he looked very inspired and very powerful and fast.. How big will Gallys bonus be? Both the Goods in the top 5? Coach of the year?
@ Matador
You are wrong about Joels 10. Period.
If the sponsors of the “new tour” pay 1.5 million per event, I think we can count on even more brand impressions. Fuck it all, Sean Holmes shits on all these corpo-fluffers. At least we might not have to listen to G.ay T.ool… 8===D
trauzersnake quit, this is obviously another lame dick.
I apologize for rambling but I admit that I am a bit hammered. Rough day at work when it initially appeared to be a barn burner. Plus there are waves in town so tomorrow, instead of working my one day off, I am cracking Ala Mo( IF I don’t rage too late!) no matter how hard I charge tonight. Then coming home to an empty home and SLEEPING ALL DAY!
The reason I am commenting is this. Out of all the good, bad, ugly, educated and uneducated assesments of this contest I have noticed one obvious fact that is basically not mentioned. It seems that not one single person on this site has really emphasized how impressive Joels victory was. There have been remarks regarding Kellys heat with Taylor being wave starved and same with Dane but why don’t we all simply celebrate what went right with this event. Joel Parkinson KICKED FUCKING ASS AT JEFFREYS BAY! IN EVERY RESPECT! Style, wave judgement, hard carving, patience etc. etc. It is funny how true that corny saying is. When you are truly in the zone you create your own luck. How many times has Kelly been in the drivers seat just like Joel was?
And as far as this new tour is concerned lets get one thing staright. The ONLY real problem with the current tour is the inconsistency of the surf. If Tahiti was 8 foot for 3 days and the final day at kirra was that good for the entire contest we would ALL be exhausted just from witnessing the madness. And to me the BIGGEST question about the new tour is what happens to the guys ranked 17 to 28 who worked their entire life to get where they are only to find the rules have changed. Many, many questions there.
All of my friends disagree but I don’t care. When you put todays top pro’s in conditions like J-Bay 7-14-2009 the ripping that takes place is LIGHT YEARS ahead of the very top guys 15 years ago. Sorry Curren but, and I insist that I have an unlisted address, Parko on 7-14-2009 surfed better then you EVER have. People who disagree for the most part are in their 40’s and blinded by the memories of where their lives were back when Tom ruled.Judgement is skewered over time.
And finally I have to say that, as a surfer who prides himself on being at least fairly well spoken, the most impressive thing about J-Bay besides those 10 or so rides on 7-14-2009 that all of us will never forget is the interviews with Sean Holmes. What an awesome man! He strikes me as the kind of guy you bump into when you are traveling and alone and happen to be in a world calss spot on a great swell and afterwards bump into the local legend at the pub and, onstead of getting cold shouldered, the guy puts his arm around you and buys you a beer. I swear I am thinking of growing a ponytail right now.
Joel is better now then Slater was in his prime on his best day. Slater remarked during the webcast that what makes Tom and Occy different was control of their upperbody movement. Slater is the wizard casting his spells and being dramatic but Parko is smooth as butter.
it’s al about selling wetsuits and tshirts anyway. is that a surprise ?
Are the top ASP judges going to follow the Kelly money trail over to the new tour? If so, can we really expect anymore from it? Dont tell me he is going to surf on it…..
bdub, that’s the funny thing. The new tour is asking the owners of the old tour to shut things down, and give the owners of the new tour the same amount of money to sponsor the new tour events as they already spend on the ones on the old tour that they already “own”. I agree that there are problems with existing ASP system, but it’s better to fix or evolve the existing system, rather than paddle off into uncharted waters with a new one! Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don’t know.
Lewis, I felt the same way you do when I was locked in my Surf Industry cubicle, so I can imagine those of Corporate America must be even worse. Hang in there, buddy! I’m sure you’ll find a way to work things out. Agree or disagree with you, either way, you entertain all of us immensely. Please keep it up! Now go have an after work surf to wash off all the crap, pour a nice tall vodka tonic, crack those knuckles and feel all of the angst washed away as you jump back into crafting the 3rd greatest of God’s creations (after barrels and sex), the Power Rankings! Yes you can, Lewis! Yes, you can! We believe! We’re with you! Just do it! Only a surfer knows the feeling! Someone get me another cup of that Kool-Aid! Please?!?
Mark, you get comment of the day. Parko ripped and Holmes is a great example for all surfers to live by. Hats off to both.
Curren will always be my all time best ever though (I just turned 39)!
As for those pesky heats without waves, if anyone has a direct line to Huey, Neptune or Mother Nature, I’ll pass it along to the CEO so the ASP can enter into discussions with the Elements to guarantee 6 to 8 foot offshore perfection at all Dream Tour events from 2010 onwards!
That should put an end to the “Not K9’s” tour in about half a second, unless he’s done a deal with the Devil, as God was claiming a few weeks back…
Goose, good question. For now, the answer is most likely no… Not much of an answer, but we’ll bring you more when we know more!
Agreed Mark. Parko combines the best of the new shit with dare i say, some soul. PP: am I the lame dick? Actually, my lawyers state it must be THE lame dick®.
@ Mark 2:07am Great comment. Despite all of the B.S. that could be called on the incessant marketing (Billabong/Parko logo getting thrown up every 15 seconds), flaws in the contest system, ASP politics, etc. this was a great show and that’s what it’s about. I’ve never thought much about tuning into contest webcasts and now frankly I’m hooked. I was pulled in initially by the Curren vs. Occy campaign, and the next thing I knew I was staying up until 3:00 am hooting through each heat and barely getting up for work. Sean Holmes put on one of the most inspiring surfing performances I’ve ever seen, Dane, Parko…I guess I got lucky because this seemed to be an extraordinary contest.
Mark - I like you when you talk surfing. And, I can actually tell you that you’re spot on regarding Sean. Don’t ask me how I know - I just do. On the new tour, I was thinking along the same lines, but more down the road. How does the new tour pick new guys for their tour once the initial crop is done? I’d imagine the ASP will either fold or absolutely prohibit its surfers from doing the new tour (a non-compete stretching out a few years after a guy’s last ASP comp might work), at which point you’re left with no farm system for the K-Tour. I’d imagine then it would just turn into a system where Billabong, Quik etc. got their most hyped young guys in, which would sort of defeat the whole purpose.
Hurley’s U.S. Open of Surfing beginning this coming weekend in Huntington Beach, will be sort of a litmus test for Slater’s–and his collaborators’–theory that the folks outside of the top 16 are dead weight.
Since Hurley has bumped up the winner’s check to $100,000, there’s more than enough incentive for some of the best guys in the world to outsurf their supposedly lesser co-competitors.
Take a look at the variety of surfers surfing in this event here:
Every imaginable type of surfer is in the draw.
So, what will this contest proffer? Proof that corraborates the new tour proponents’ theory that 128 of the 144 guys surfing the event are superfluous and cannot perform at a level compelling enough for the masses? Or, conflicting evidence which suggests that, perhaps, even the rank and file surfers are capable of outshining or even toppling the supposed surfing aristocracy?
This is one event in which I hope to witness some major upsets, as I feel failure of the cream rising to the top in this event will decidely undermine the premise upon which the new tour is being planned . . . then again, I wouldn’t really want to watch a Hoiso vs. Micah Byrne final either.
Ahhh . . . the dilemma . . . screw it . . . let’s see a Fanning vs. Slater final!
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