Remember the final scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when that Illinois Nazi drinks from the wrong Holy Grail, and ends up
J-Bay was basically a do-or-die event for Saffa Davey Weare. He died, responded like a poker player with a bad tell, twitching his way down the line against Chris Davidson. Granted, the poor bloke faced nearly 40 minutes of flatness in a 30-minute heat, and if you’re trying to figure out how that’s possible, think “restart.” Now Weare is just another tough guy with a plethora of
Arrrr, Macca, I put a hex on thee! No, really – I think I actually did. Last time we heard from Phil MacDonald and Drew Courtney, they were
Why do we keep talking about the Germanity of Marlon Lipke when he’s basically Portuguese? Well, I suppose that once you take away the German part, there’s nothing left to fucking talk about. Pro surfing has become a largely homogenized affair, as stylistic nuance is replaced by technical precision. Lipke exemplifies the good and bad of this development. Compared to other members of Euroforce, Lipke’s style is so smooth as to be almost characterless. At J-Bay, Lipke squared-off nicely and executed textbook backside hooks, free of fault and personality. Almost makes me feel sorry for Marlon – he’s going out like the android
Luke Stedman, Gabe Kling, Neco Padaratz, Michael Jackson, Andrew Mooney, Joel Tudor, Karina Pepperoni, Greg Tomlinson , and The Gudauskas Bros.
Coming to PostSurf, January 2010: CrippleGate. The World Title race may be the most foregone conclusion since, well, last year's foregone conclusion. But the World Tour injury wildcard race is heating up, Jerky! Andy Irons is currently leading the ratings, as he's already been promised one of the three replacement spots. His injury? He's obese, ostensibly sober, and no fun. That leaves two spots left for cripples. Lukey “Lovehandle” Stedman is a shoo-in for one – he finished 11th last year and hasn’t surfed an event in 2009. Ace Buchan is a shoo-in, too – he pig-fucked his ACL in Indo, and is an actual Top 10 surfer.
That leaves two bonafides out in the cold – Piggy Kling and Neco Padaratz. Neco is a known steroid abuser and all-around fun guy. He voodooed his back last year, and could have gotten the injury wildcard for this year, but he decided to rehab further, giving his spot to zee German Marlon Lipke. Piggy Kling is pretty much triple-pig-fucked – he has a hoof injury, a knee injury, and he's also a certified retard. AND he’s practically never won a heat. Neco on the other hand has won multiple ASP events, and he also beat Parko in Brazil last month but somehow lost anyway. My vote? Boot Steds and Piggy, and give the 3 spots to Andy, Ace, and Neco. All of those simple bastards have won events.