Drew Courtney
Remember the final scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when that Illinois Nazi drinks from the wrong Holy Grail, and ends up ? That is what it’s been like watching Drew Courtney surf the last three events. I used to think this tapioca fuckwit was Ben Button, growing old in reverse. Not so much – seems that Drew’s more of a Lindsay Lohan type when it comes to the ravages of time. 10cc’s of Nivea cream, stat! This poor bloke looks like a baby’s foreskin. Admittedly, drawing Dane Reynolds doesn’t tend to make one look young and sprightly. Against Beaver, ol’ Drew unleashed one worthy man-hack, but followed it up with a hula-hooping shimmy as the lip hit his potbelly – right in the spot where Mr. Courtney almost certainly has a pouch. He should keep his Nivea cream in there.
David Weare
J-Bay was basically a do-or-die event for Saffa Davey Weare. He died, responded like a poker player with a bad tell, twitching his way down the line against Chris Davidson. Granted, the poor bloke faced nearly 40 minutes of flatness in a 30-minute heat, and if you’re trying to figure out how that’s possible, think “restart.” Now Weare is just another tough guy with a plethora of . Speaking of Tattoos: I still can’t believe that chatty-fatty Chris Cote managed to talk a D-grade pro surfer into getting a during the Cali Rally. Seriously, Cote? That’s as despicable as talking the retarded girl from the short bus into giving you a hummer. Ball-licking surfmag editors are bad enough. D-list pros who gargle surf mag editor’s balls via tribute tattoos? Even worse.
Phillip MacDonald
Arrrr, Macca, I put a hex on thee! No, really – I think I actually did. Last time we heard from Phil MacDonald and Drew Courtney, they were about what a mean man I am. In the course of a short interview, Mr. MacDonald referred to me variously as a “fuckwit,” “twerp,” “dork,” and “two faced prick.” Oh Phil, you muscley brute! You had me at fuckwit. Anyway, back to that Macca/ Ben Button hex: since so generously slandering my name, Hans and Franz have put up nothing but 33rds. Zero heat wins between them. With one heat win for the entire season, Macca wishes I would compare him to a He-Man action figure again, at this point – at least there’s a nostalgia market for figurine collectibles. Macca on the other hand? You could auction this relic on E-Bay and probably not clear enough shrapnel to buy a schooner of VB.
Marlon Lipke
Why do we keep talking about the Germanity of Marlon Lipke when he’s basically Portuguese? Well, I suppose that once you take away the German part, there’s nothing left to fucking talk about. Pro surfing has become a largely homogenized affair, as stylistic nuance is replaced by technical precision. Lipke exemplifies the good and bad of this development. Compared to other members of Euroforce, Lipke’s style is so smooth as to be almost characterless. At J-Bay, Lipke squared-off nicely and executed textbook backside hooks, free of fault and personality. Almost makes me feel sorry for Marlon – he’s going out like the android – “I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack hits by Slater from the shoulder at J-Bay. I watched Parko glitter in the darkness in the Bell’s carpark. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in the rain... Time to die.”
Luke Stedman, Gabe Kling, Neco Padaratz, Michael Jackson, Andrew Mooney, Joel Tudor, Karina Pepperoni, Greg Tomlinson , and The Gudauskas Bros.
Coming to PostSurf, January 2010: CrippleGate. The World Title race may be the most foregone conclusion since, well, last year's foregone conclusion. But the World Tour injury wildcard race is heating up, Jerky! Andy Irons is currently leading the ratings, as he's already been promised one of the three replacement spots. His injury? He's obese, ostensibly sober, and no fun. That leaves two spots left for cripples. Lukey “Lovehandle” Stedman is a shoo-in for one – he finished 11th last year and hasn’t surfed an event in 2009. Ace Buchan is a shoo-in, too – he pig-fucked his ACL in Indo, and is an actual Top 10 surfer.
That leaves two bonafides out in the cold – Piggy Kling and Neco Padaratz. Neco is a known steroid abuser and all-around fun guy. He voodooed his back last year, and could have gotten the injury wildcard for this year, but he decided to rehab further, giving his spot to zee German Marlon Lipke. Piggy Kling is pretty much triple-pig-fucked – he has a hoof injury, a knee injury, and he's also a certified retard. AND he’s practically never won a heat. Neco on the other hand has won multiple ASP events, and he also beat Parko in Brazil last month but somehow lost anyway. My vote? Boot Steds and Piggy, and give the 3 spots to Andy, Ace, and Neco. All of those simple bastards have won events.
numberwun1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
I wish i was better a photoshop
I like dick!
btw new power rankings are insightful and funny.
pbtw im getting a postsurf.cum tattoo. postsurf in a flowing banner over a heart made up of the letters M A R K
Lewis has a serious problem with himself, as he rarely ever has a positive thing to say about anyone. Though I find some of his rants and power rankings amusing and fairly accurate most of his shit just sucks. Nobody on the CT actually cares about these lame things. And I love how he takes shots at Gabe having never actually paid any attention at all to his surfing outside the lame duck stuff he’s done on the CT. But cmon, give the guy a chance. He can surf, and he’s legitimately hurt. Not giving him a wildcard for ‘10 would be fucked
Lewis you should rate Slater First since if he can’t win a title he will simply create his own tour and win it while the ASP fades away into irrelevance…
Dear lame,
Thank you for the insightful and thought provoking post, especially the part about Gabe Kling. John Lennon is to peace as you are to Gabe Kling. Due to your persuasiveness, I think I will give him a chance. Lewis may say that we’re dreamers, but we’re not the only ones. I can only hope that one day Lewis joins us, and the surf world will live as one. Prove us right, Gabe, prove us right.
Sincerely,
HP
Chris Cote is a fucking wordsmith. How dare you badmouth Transworld with your toilet filth. Their in-depth articles and spot on analysis make SURFER look like SI for Kids. And that tattoo? Maybe it will help that poor “d-list pro” pull some of those 40 year old model search chicks. Fat bitches love tattoos.
ps lame, you’re totally right - not giving Gabe Kling a wildcard for ‘10 would be fucked.
I have seen Gabe surf many times in NFL and can’t fucking believe he is on the W.T. He needs to donate a good percentage of his future earnings(if any) to some charity in Brazil because that is how he got on tour both years with multi star Q.S. slop points form there. Lewis your new shit is raw as fuck and epic. You went no condom raw dog penile implant on Hanz and Franz and it was totally deserved. And Lame your tripping bro, Lewis just points it out like it should be pointed, Slater gave him credit for lighting a fire under his and other asses when it was needed and he does have a gift for it and I’m stoked he’s still doing for the time being. And he quickly gives POSITIVE credit when it’s due. Reminds me of a super creative Jim Rome of surfing that actually surfs good and is core to the bone.
Seriously, Cote? GAC!
I believe Michael Jackson should get the 2010 injury wildcard for several reasons.
1) He head almost exploded during that Pepsi commercial in the ’80s. His fro back them was better than Machados and Berrlemans
2) He had a fucking pet monkey…and we al know Parko’s trainer is a fucking chimp, so why not? 4) Ratings babay. Jasckson is number 3 in Google seach behind Paris Hilton’s lazy eye and David Hasslehoff’s chest waxing methods.
3) We can start calling him Mick Jackson, like every other surfer on tour names Michael, but really they already call him Jacko which is right up the alley of typically surfer nickname nomenclature. When in doubt just add an “O” to any surfer’s name and bingo, you’re a World Title contender.
Lewis, You must not quite your day job. It is most obvious that the droning fluorescent lights of Corporate America are in fact, your muse.
(which is really fu*cked up now that I think about it)
Sorry for the above post and its spelling errors. It was actually written for thegoods blog. Fuckers never posted it because I didn’t reference God and I missed last night’s Bible Study/moonshine making seminar.
I’m laughing out loud. I’ve just figured out that this power rankings stuff is a perfect target for anyone with a pair of balls and a sense of humor. Thank you so much!! keep it going and maybe one day everyone won’t take themselves so seriously.
Brutal. Accurate. But at the end of the day, such is the world of pro surfing.
Even losers make money at it these days. Though not the pirate’s booty of the chosen-by-the-ASP-judges few.
I think the Nug has tapped the formula. Maybe Slater should hire the Nug as a consultant for the new…yawn…tour. It can’t be anymore boring than this one’s become.
love the mick jackson call. hahaha. and the moonshine. Note to all: Anyone who takes this stuff to heart should look at themselves and ask why. Because this is entertainment and if you are going to be a public figure/pro athlete it’s open season. That’s the way it is with all the other sports that matter. People/athletes need to know that if they do or say stupid shit there will be repercussions. Before all these blogs, assholes and ignorant people just got away with it. Which was weird and made people wonder if anyone even cared anymore. So cheers to you Lewis for putting up this blog. It is funny and refreshing.
Looking forward to reading the PostSurf obituary.
My buddy Swift and I were just analyzing the new TWS, and we came across ANOTHER “in-depth” Drive Thru article and we just about vomited. Green freakin’ track suits ? Donovan ? Pat-o ? Are you serious ? Aussies are yellin’ split kooks ! Labrador’s eat their own puke, not me ! The only thing that will save drive-thru is a new cast of people. The Tahiti awards ? Suuper gay. Your detailed description of a Ranga is so old-hat. I think people already know what a redhead is Cote. And all that archive nonsense should be in the Journal. Kids want airs, not San O.
Oh Yeah, spot-on Phil Macca analyzation.
Unfortunately, I have not been as into the CT this year as year’s past. Watching Brazil, I realized the 2 reasons why: (1) runaway leaders - Kelly, now Joel. (2) Lack of interest in the participants: How can the audience care when many surfers themselves don’t seem to? (AI, BI, Dane, etc.) Or when they act like Joel has already won it I want to see guys upset by losses, pissed that Joel has won 3, pissed that they got a 3rd, not the “it’s a good result.”
There are 5 events left. I want to hear guys saying, “I’m want to stop Joel & win it,” not “I’d like to see Joel win it.” I guarantee Kelly thinks he can still win it. I am sick of seeing him win, but would rather see him make it a tight race and win it: he’s old for & still yearns to win more than the pampered, over-paid surfers who act like they are doing the CT a favor by competing.
I have a postsruf.com tattoo (yeah, the tattoo guy spelled it wrong) in and around my undercarriage
Relax JimG. As soon as Dustin Barca shoots himself in the groin at a Honolulu strip club it will spark your interest again. You’re correct, the tour was so much better when Damien Hardman, Hans Hedeman and Glen Winton were getting slugging away on the East Coast shit tour in the 80’s. Do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of Eastern Surf and kill yourself with the nose of your Kechele fish
Snap. Crackle. Pop! But fuck, Macca still surfs better than all of us.
@ Nug: The tour now destroys the tour then (better venues, webcasts, etc.). I am talking about my interest since webcasts when AI & Kelly actually seemed to battle & care who won. I think one problem is the mediocre surfers that get through the QS b/c style/visual appeal is not enough of a factor in scoring. I am no soul-man, but a lot of the surfers on tour just surf ugly. Style & flow matter. I forget who it was (Bacalsco or Barca) @ J-bay - just ugly. Watch their heats on demand.
@Chris Cote
I have Transworld Stance tattoo on my lower back. Sure, it may have not been the best decision I’ve ever made, but when your on a boat Fran Richards you get a little crazy sometimes.
I expect that I’ll regret you,
but the skin graft man won’t get you,
you’ll be there when I die.
Ta-too-ooo.
Lewis, did you actually quote me on the line about ’stylistic nuance’? At the very least, I am a bit shocked that we agree on this point. While I’ve never seen Lipke surf, I completely agree that many surfers today (and on the tour) surf so well as to not be interesting to watch. The great surfers have what is likely an unforced personality to their surfing, and that is difficult to articulate and nearly impossible to judge. Style is what sets surfing apart: Occy’s trailing arm on his backhand, Curren’s lookbacks, Blasphemy’s stinkbugs, Lewis’ reverse starfish, SmyrnaJeff’s bed shitting…
@shreddy
is a reverse starfish like an “outee” as opposed to an “innie”?
@JimG
You’re partially correct. A wise man once said or maybe it was the Hamburger Dude from Cheech and Chong’s Nice Dreams. “Ian Carins fucked it all up…man…with his three-to-the beach, Ugg boots, no style surfing that rewards quantity not quality. New Wave. NEEEEEW WAave!
Meanwhile AI is under the table with Chong and we need him back.
@ trauzersnake: A Reverse Starfish is when you get hung up in the lip, back facing your friends, basically upside down and backwards. It is one of the most coveted surfing maneuvers and few have it perfected. Viewed best from the shoulder. Judges often score it too low. It is somewhat of a subset of Shitting the Bed.
Mark’s Bed Shitting. Nice one Shreddy. Nice one.
While I dig your attitude LS. How do you think you’d fair against Drew Courtney in a heat? Not cool to cap on peep’s looks especially when you should be focusing on the dude’s surfing. Agree it’s not a sharp as some, but then again he’s in the big show. Dat sez somting.
That’s great!! So your friends can see your starfish as you’re imbedded in the lip upside down??
…and forgive me, but i gotta ask, what’s shitting the bed??
@ 3to5… & all others who use the “surfs better than Lewis” argument: who cares? Lewis has never claimed to be the best surfer on earth or even a QS-level performer. Can’t someone have an opinion on something?
I think MotoGP is more exciting to watch than Nascar, but I’ve never done either. - “Hey JimG, I bet Jimmie Johnson could beat you in a race.” Relevance?
The definition of Shitting the Bed varies in different lineups and regions, but it may include universal fortes like rolling your back foot off your leash into the Stinkbug maneuver on the set of the day, hand slipping off the rail during takeoff into a full bodyboard down the face and into the whitewater, only to fall when standing up, fading everyone on the peak then not making the section, and one of my favorites, trying to spray other surfers paddling on the shoulder and blowing the turn (sometimes this involves a mid-air battle cry on the way down “Faaaaaaaaaawwwwk!!!” because the rider knows they look like an ass clown). For me, nothing is quite so beautiful and symbolic as a human stuck in the lip, arms and legs outstretched, at the whims of nature on the way down to the washing machine. Pure poetry.
Remember when Drew had a chance to punch Lewis out but didn’t? Seems he’s as timid out of the water as in.
brutally awesome!
I remember watching Davey surf in Durban when he was a grom. He was better than Logie, but not as polished as Nicholson. I can’t understand why these guys can’t crack the next level despite the skills I gave them. Sloth? I need to look into it - if so, they will regret it!
As much of a LS fan as I am, I think we may be witnessing the beginning of the end for the power rankings. The problem lies in the simple fact that Lewis is not attending the events and is no longer giving first-hand accounts. I want to hear about the post-heat surfs with the pros and how Lewis heard during an event that one of the disgruntled pros was going to beat his ass. Tell me about the parties and the groupies and how that shit affects their surfing.
The result of no personal involvement in the tour is that Lewis is relegated to offering up the opinions that might as well come from Mark, Stu, Mike or even me, Ballz. In other words, a bunch of fucking retards. We are left to read more about Drew Courtney aging and Marlon Lipke being German/Portugesse. I want more! Perhaps the solution is getting Lewis in with ESPN.
Damn that must have felt good to write! All the angst that got built from suffering through Brazil, compound that with the extended waiting period at JBay, than the frustration of heats marked by inconsistencies ranging from overblown 10 point rides to heats marred by a lack of sets. Writing that post must feel almost as good as finally having your chance to open up into a full speed, no bars carve through one of JBay’s infamous freight train walls.
Too bad Macca, Lipke,Courtney and Weare can’t write as they will never get to feel such relief…
Heinz Phillip for comment of the week.
I think these gnarly rippers deserve every bit of guile Lewis sends their way, being that they’ve dedicated their lives to being the best at something, yet they always seem to come up short when it counts. Kids idolize these fuckwits who contribute absolutely nothing to society while perpetuating a bogus, slave-based industry that will inevitably produce exponentially more worthless shitbags who dream of being the best but never can. This is the life they chose, and if they get their feelings hurt, they should get a fucking education and a real job.
PS> M*tt K*chele is a pedophile.
as gerrr said technic is everything, but some people take this litteraly and forget about creativity. Marlon looks like a guitarist that learnt some hendrix and can reproduce it perfectly …but can he write and play is own music?
I can give a first hand account of how Sad Realization came up with his pseudonym. He looked at me. His weiner! Get it?!?? I’m little! And then he had a sad realization! Because I’m his weiner. Right.
Haven’t found a video that better personifies the five people who each use ten handles on this site:
@L.S I enjoyed reading your power rankings. Very entertaining.
All good things must come to an end and it’s better when it ends full of juice than still hanging on like Brett Favre’s 20 interceptions last year or something similar. The Chappele Show was one such situation and the Power Rankings might be near that same direction. With Surfline being like Comedy Central except L.S. didn’t make 60 million. I am still stoked he provides one of the coolest sites in surfing and has clued me in on some killer saved favorites for the laptop. The latest gem was the Goldmine hookup which I would never have known without holmes help. Mahalo for helping brighten up the too often flat spells and helping me save $1,200 which I would of spent on a Ben Aipa S.U.P. (sike)
Slater losing to the conditions = the end of the ASP, not a bad thing, I’ve thought about an invite only tour for a long time. Would be interested to know who we think the 16 should be. Maybe a 16 SUPER POWER RANKINGS. Will any ‘zillas make the cut? Euros? Im sure everyone is hoping to get the call from Mr Slater and co, I think mass ego crushing is inevitable..Let the crushing begin…my phone is quiet.
There we are…You might as well add Gavin Newsome to that list. We’re fucked.
Should we call it Sl9ter’s Tour a Skull an Bones club? I sense that some serious surf illuminati fuckery is going down right now. By any chance, does anyone know if Sl9ter a Freemason or member of the Elks?
Do Freemason’s use phones to relay important messages or should I look out for a mysterious courier who travels by cover of night bearing news of my inclusion in the 16. I wonder if the Australian surfers who tend to be slightly anti Slater will consider employing the services of a PR firm to bring the freemasons back on side.
JimG, your right. I should have been more direct and just said I think it’s weak to cap on appearance when it’s surfing we are talking about here.
The recent race at Laguna Seca was my first time for a motor bike race. motoGP is as fast as the GT class in ALMS with lap times in the low 1:20’s at Seca. Nutty guys. I’m a fan. Jimmie Johnson would probably beat you (and me) in a car race. But maybe not Valentino eh…
The unveiling of the sweet 16 selections works like this: If you make the cut, you will be selected candidly at an important surf industry function. If you feel that you deserve to be included in THE 16, you should frequent surfy places like Ocean Beach, Steamer Lane, Ron Jon Surf Shop, Hollister at the Galleria, SIMA & ASR shows, Bong and ZQK movie premiers, and the Surfer Poll Awards. Be on the look out for special service agents Shane Dorian, Giselle Bundchen, Mike Stewart and Shawn Slater to approach you will a golden linen scroll sealed with an SL9TR embossed surf wax seal.
The unveiling of THE 16 will be televised as it unfolds on ESPN6 and a media blitz led by Occy and JT will be associated with the announcement of each surfer who is bestowed a berth into THE 16. Much like finding the Golden Ticket in a Wonka Bar, each of these announcements will be important media events that promote the new tour. If an announcement takes place under cover of night, you will be given a pair of night vision goggles so that you can read your certificate of inclusion in THE 16.
I have a very talented PR agent who would be a perfect spokesperson for our friends down under. Keep me posted.
@ Chris Cote, photo of tattoo please, lame bitch.
Seaman Staines = BRs very boring brother.
caligirl was Mark, pretending to be interesting.
I don’t know any of the surfers that you have mentioned so far, Lewis. Is this one of the problems with the tour? None of them are hot. I looked them up and while they are meant to be ‘natural footers’ there nothing natural about how they surf. They surf like they learnt it from tips in a magazine. They are not sexy. I would like to have sex with the old bald guy but he has an Asian bride or something. The hippy guy with the polaroid camera and anchor tattoo is ok, but the tall down syndrome kid with the weird nipples is just fucking odd. He keeps looking at my ass.
@Cali Girl’s young sister-
you’re not tragic enough for steds.
you’d better keep that ass under wraps, you don’t want any Saffa injections.
Good stuff, Lewis.
How do you know when you are right?
When truth begets hatred.
Veritas odium parit.
@Marlon Lipke aka Roy Batty
What the fuck is wrong with Daryl Hannah? Her 4 year lifespan ran out about 27 years ago.
About lipke, the reason for the ‘he’s german!!’ thing is that germany is a huge market for his sponsors. German kids are loaded and easy targets for eco boardshort campaigns.
Now that i speak of germans, has anyone ever heard lipke cracking a joke?
Thank you Lewis. We all appreciate your words and the continual trouncing of McDouchald and Douchney as it is throughly needed. Agreed that calling him she-man would only inflate the ego. Has anyone looked into links between Neco and McDouchald? Same dealer/trainer? Has anyone checked his vains for signs of self inflation? His physique is not natural. Sooooo 2005
Ha ha. I like the part about Drew Courtney getting old really fast, like the guy from Indiana Jones. I used to have a dream that I was old and dead like the guy from the movie about a gardener and an old man who is really rich and at the end of the movie the man, not the old rich one, but the gardener who everyone, even the president of the United States thinks is really cool, walks on water. I wish I could walk on water like the guy from that book my aunt always reads me when I can’t go to sleep, the one with all the slaves and prostitutes and stuff. And I like the picture of the girl in her underpants, even though there’s a picture of a guy’s smelly armpit right next to it. Well, I don’t know for sure that it’s smelly, but it probably is. And, I think what Chris Cote did was really mean even if it has nothing to do with the guy with the double chin who Lewis made fun of for surfing like a poker player . . . or something like that. And the pictures of the guys in muscle suits are SO FUNNY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAA!!! I have big muscles too . . . or, I used to before I got in trouble for hurting my neighbor with a shovel and had to sit in a small room for ten years. And I think the number 44 is so weird. Why don’t we just call it “four-four”? ‘Cause, I mean, that’s all it is a four and another four. So, I also like the picture with the Man and his bird and I like it because it looks like the man could kill the bird but he doesn’t and instead loves the bird like I love my mouse, Algernon. Well, my step-dad calls him Algernon, but his really name is Mr. Mouse, and Mr. Mouse kinda looks like the guy with the 41 next to his head. And I don’t understand the part about Rutger Hauer in Blade Runner, but I’m not afraid to die. And then I think that the pictures of the dogs are REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY funny too, because they have big teeth like the guy in the front of the picture with the 45 on it. But I also think the picture of the dogs is kind of scary even though I told my step-dad that I wasn’t scared of it and I just thought it was funny and nothing else. Man, I hope he doesn’t read this because then he’ll know that I was kind of scared too, but he probably won’t read it because he goes to sleep real early after he drinks his all the skunk juice in the house. I actually don’t know if it’s called skunk juice or not, but I think it smells like a skunk when it’s in its red and white cans. But I really do think that Karina Pepperoni has such a funny name!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! And I’m not scared of that at all and really do think it’s only funny, but I hope people don’t make fun of her for her name, because I know what it’s like when people make fun of you, but if they do make fun of her, I hope she has a shovel like I did and that she doesn’t get in trouble for using it like I did. And what is a simple bastard? My step-dad calls me simple and says it’s nice but sometimes I think he’s lying and also Lewis made it sound like simple wasn’t nice too.
C’mon klings from jacksonville that’s bad enough he should get a wild card just for coming from that shithole
Shit the bed means to fuck something up usually after it appeared to be well in hand. Pissing the bed is sort of expected at times but shitting the bed is unacceptable for any reason. For example:
Clueless surf fan: How did Slater do at Jeffries there buddy-o?
Postsurf.com reader: Dude, he shit the bed in Rd3 in a heat that shoulda been a restart or something.
Clueless surf fan: I can’t believe I missed all of GTs interviews! Was he wearing the cutoff gloves?
Postsurf.com reader: Your Moms anus is a cum dumpster fuckwit. Blow out, now.
Clueless surf fan: Okalee dokalee.
Simon, simply speaking, you my saviour.
@Hugh G
Does it count as shitting the bed if you don’t actually shit but pass out in bed with a dirty starfish (you know, like what peter perfect is) and wake up to stinky skidmarks??….of course it does, sorry I asked.
Peterperfect=dingleberry infested asshair on the collective rectum of all douchebags
time to die…hahaha
great post!
this is by far the best site in the surfing world. no corporate string pullers….no ads….raw commentary…all time message board…..and all right on time. lewis is a legend for maintaing a place on the web that allows some free speech. ahhhhhhhhh
PeterPerfect never knew existence without a physical exhaustion; never knew a night that didn’t bring a trip to the medicine chest for Viagra before a marathon MidgetsFuckingCurtainRods.com session; never knew what it felt like to glance in a mirror and not wince at the sight of the grotesquely hollow thing that stared back at him.
Not that he didn’t like himself - far from it; there were many qualities about himself that he admired.
But there were three things he hated:
One hung from his left shoulder where an arm was supposed to be. There, it twisted down toward his ribcage and ended in a mass of mummified worms that looked more like a claw-hammer than five fingers.
Another was attached to his pelvis… just below his waist, coming up three inches short of a normal penis’ length, with a urethra that pointed North - making it necessary for him to wear a special eye protection when using the facilities.
But the worst of them, the thing he despised most about himself, was his receding hairline.
Whenever he found himself sitting in a bar or restaurant alone (which was often, if four days of the week is any barometer), he would inevitably attract the eyes of some man or woman who would smile at him… perhaps nod, and eventually come over to join him, if invited.
Then they’d catch sight of that clawed arm, the lack of any noticeable bulge in his pants; that hint of widow’s peak above peaking through the mesh of his Volcum trucker’s hat.
Inevitably, they’d blink a few times, stumble over their words, and quickly fabricate an excuse to leave him. “Sorry, I thought you were someone else” was rapidly becoming the most popular excuse.
A nightmare in the life:
PeterPerfect: She-male and custodian at Franklin Middle School.
PeterPerfect: Predestined to educating those who would later lord over his life like Barabas in his hometown, shortly after his untimely release.
PeterPerfect: Lonely.
Then, PeterPerfect woke up in a cold sweat… just like each night of his previous 68 years on this earth.
Seaman Staines ain’t me. I quit the alter-ego thang a few days ago… except for one guilty indulgence…
After a prolonged absence, both voluntary and involuntary, it’s nice to come back and see that the same retards are commenting on this site. Is Blasphemy still around or did he finally wear out his keyboard like Drew Courtney’s worn out his welcome on the WCT???
Anyway, you guys should check out this video for a good laugh:
I think you will agree it is easily the best move Phil Macca has pulled of all year…scratch that, possibly the best move of his entire career.
72! You cockless menstruating seahorses!!
Well, MuckFark just let the sails out of my pious rant.
G’night my little piglet fondlers.
Holy shit Blasphemy your typing is faster than a Brazilians urge to claim each wave they surf. Glad to see you haven’t gone anywhere.
@MuckFark
Lmfao… timing was uncanny!
Maybe ESPN will offer up a Seniors Tour for Drew Courtney to be a part of next year. Whether the WCT survives or not I have a feeling we won’t be seeing much of old Drew after Pipeline.
I agree Blasph, that was spooky.
Lewis, don’t forget that I killed Tyrell by jamming my thumbs into his eyes. Stupid Bill Gates wannabee. I did cry after though.
PS Replicants do have souls.
@trauzersnake - man, it’s almost like you overheard the conversation I had last night at my local pub, where my Indian friend recalled a story about passing out drunk on the toilet after taking a dump, waking up and being too intoxicated to wipe so just went to bed. The next morning his butt cheeks were spackled shut and it took 3 days to get it all out. Kind of an indirect–shitting the bed.
this is better than reality TV
I enjoy this blog. Could tell me how I can go about keeping up to date with it.
I enjoyed checking out your blog today and I will be back to check it more in the future so please keep up your good quality work. I love the colors that you chose, you are quite talented!
Hi, I like your views. I was also thinking in the same way. Please write some more on similar topics and continue posting new ideas. Thank you.