J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 36-40

Posted by lewis on July 17, 2009 at 5:48 am.

taigo

Tiago Pires

As TurtleGate enters its 26th day, PostSurf has uncovered shocking evidence that Tiago Pires may in fact be the gentle turtle that was raped by Australian deviant Andrew Mooney.  The conspiracy goes deeper than even I anticipated.  Way back in late March 2009, Anthony W. won Comment of the Week for the following:

“Portugal… country of Tigers… country of the pussiest waveriders ever! When waves get bigger they all run away to the safety bays where it’s 2 foot offshore and make faces of someone getting spit out of an 8 foot pipe barrel on a bogging bottom turn. How did Tiago Pires got that Tiger alias? He looks more like a turtle with weird arm positioning. Is the guy’s neck that short or does he tuck in between his shoulders as protection from the real tigers? God, his surfing makes me wanna vomit… looks just like another brazzo from the wrong side of the Atlantic.”

A thorough investigation has revealed that this comment was in fact penned by Anthony Walsh, a noted Australian pro charger.  Mr. Walsh, seemingly a hateful turtle discriminator, hails from the tranquil coast of New South Wales – the SAME STATE in Australia that Andrew Mooney is from.  Coincidence?  I think not.

powers

Roy Powers

This month, Roy Powers had the unique pleasure of just barely beating two of the least stylish surfers to ever don an ASP jersey.  No - sadly Peterson Rosa did NOT come out of retirement.  One can only dream…  Powers instead took down Jihad “The Moist Moose” Khodr at J-Bay, and Aritz “The Tits” Aranburu in Brazil.  Those scalps do not come cheap, my friend.  In the distant future, after the apocalypse, after the Pacific has festered into a putrid pool of Chinamen’s semen and toxic waste, after I’ve finally earned and spent my first dollar of profit from surf writing, ol’ boy Roy will sit around a campfire, beyond Thunderdome, and tell the feral groms about olden times.  Roy will not tell tale of his loss to Fanning in Brazil (3.87 heat total) or his loss to Martinez at J-Bay (7.50 heat total).  No!  Instead, proud pruned Powers will tell his minions “I aranburued Aritz The Tits!  I whipped his simple full-cream ass by .23 of a point!  Now get me a diaper.  I think I soiled myself.”

miky

Mikael Picon

Miky Picon’s stock rose significantly in my book after he verbally abused ASP head judge Perry Hatchett, following a controversial loss to CJ Hobgood in R2.  Needing a 7.18 on his last wave, Picon earned a 7.1, gingerly floating instead of committing to a vertical, English-speaking turn. Picon lost, freaked out, and was fined a cool $1000 for his tired-child tantrum.  Are we witnessing the first stirrings of the next Victor Ribas – will Miky soon be throwing rocks at the judges?  One can only hope.  The ASP is frantically trying to justify itself right now – if Kelly Slater gets his even-dreamier Dream Tour, I can almost guarantee that Mr. Picon will not be on it.  But what Slater fails to recognize is that few things in this world are as endearing as a small, irate foreigner.  You just want to put them in your pocket and then accidentally crush them to death! Like Lennie in Of Mice and Men.

muscroft

Nic Muscroft

Some excellent commentary at the Billabong Pro, as usual.  Luke Egan, a true renaissance man, smoothly transitioned from the role of Tahitian contest director back to the role of Parko’s cheerleader, and then into the role of sports broadcaster.  One of my favorite moments of the webcast was when Egan credited Nic Muscroft with getting a second at Bells to Joel Parkinson.  Alzheimer’s bitch said WHAT now?  I mean, seriously people.  Even my mildly retarded dog knows that wildcard Adam Robertson finished second to Parko at Bells – and this is the same dog who tried to eat a bee today.  Yes, both Muscroft and Robertson are blond, Victorian regularfoots.  But as Muscroft can surely tell you, he has not made any finals recently.  How in custard-fuck can Luke Egan coach Parko to  three victories without being fully aware of who he surfed against in each final?  That’s the surf industry for you… Oh, and Nic Muscroft?  He had the misfortune of watching Kelly Slater’s 4-nines heat from the water… while Slater trampled him.

jihad

Jihad Khodr

I have not personally experienced the miracle of childbirth and parenthood.  All of our friends are getting pregnant as if semen is an airborne pathogen and vaginas are panting dogs.  My 65-year-old uncle, an inveterate bachelor who spent 45 years gambling on football and enjoying life’s finer things, just had his first kid.  Now he’s acting like he invented babies.  Another member of the fuckin’ cult – “I forgot to pull out!  Therefore, I understand the deep mysteries of life in a way that lowly non-breeders like you will never comprehend! Now look at the baby…LOOK AT THE BABY!”  What does this have to do with Jihad “The Moist Moose” Khodr?  Absolutely nothing.  Jihad barely lost to Ben Dunn in Brazil, by .07, and lost to Roy Powers during a restart snooze fest at J-Bay, where he caught his first wave 35 minutes into the heat.  This poor mutant meringue will be off tour soon enough.  And when I finally succumb and have a kid, I’m going to hire Jihad Khodr to be our nanny.  I can’t wait to see it!  The Moist Moose has the bulky grace of a young Jackie Gleason.  Can’t you just picture him, changing a diaper, arms flailing like moray eels, his small, bound feet doing the samba?  When the diaper is pinned, Jihad will raise his arms in triumph, bellow a tremendous Muslim hoot, and do a double-pump fist claim.  Brazilian nannies are worth every penny.

140 Comments

  • zac varf says:

    brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

  • Gonz says:

    Nic M rips
    I guess I have to write more
    word press says my comment was too short
    but too short is from Oakland and nic is not
    long enough WP?

  • dennis says:

    hahah aritz the tits

  • 5'8 x 19.5 says:

    Great write up. You havent earned a dollar yet ?? Get some sponsors, ese . . . .

  • Fisher says:

    Lew-bags

    I must be so hard for you having to come up with different shit about homeo’s we don’t really care about. The thing is you do, and we all crave it. It’s that smidgen of gold, like ‘Aritz the tits’ that keeps us coming back even though we know who’s going to be where. Bravo for twisting the mundane dirty turds to something that entertains the twisted puddings we are.

  • Moose Mcgilicuddy says:

    wow
    Brazillian Nannies, double fist pumps. Solid Post
    Good Call

  • yeah says:

    RE: Roy Powers

    I hadn’t really heard him speak until the J-Bay contest when I watched couple of the every so exciting ‘Backstage’ videos. My question is simple. Is he mildly retarded? I’m being serious. Does anyone know? We are talking about someone who makes the Irons brothers look like Nobel laureates.

    How dumb is this guy?

  • MrBiscuits says:

    Artiz the Tits! Great nickname

  • yeah says:

    i don’t know lewis. it’s not that i don’t enjoy reading your power rankings, it’s just that after a while i’d rather read some solid writing on the surfing (even if you think a particular guy isn’t the greatest). the jokes are nice, some are quite funny, but if there was a website out there with solid writing that focused more on the surfing and less on the comedy i’d probably read that. you write well, so i’m hoping that you’ll start putting out better stuff on the surfing. as it stands, these writeups sound like a comedian on a late night show who is working at a faster pace than his or her normal routine. yeah, it’s funny, but it feels strained because it’s obvious that they are just trying to get as many jokes in before the segment is over.

  • JimG says:

    @ yeah

    Where is Roy Powers from? Your question is answered. Hawaii & intelligence do not mix. They don’t understand sarcasm - I’m not joking - that is an example of the intelligence level.

  • JimG says:

    Great post LS. Keep it funny - although reading a surf-mag account of a contest actually is funny b/c the surf is always pumping, the surfers are always ripping, everyone is having fun and the contest is alaways a huge success.

  • whycantweallgetalong says:

    @ yeah
    Good call yeah, and enough with the xenophobic shit already, it’s getting rather lame. Lewis, if you keep up the only choice for your next surf trip will be Lake Erie.

  • seasnake says:

    “vaginas are panting dogs”. Great stuff, won’t get that type of analogy anywhere else. Surf ratings? I don’t understand why anyone really gives a shit who gets more points. It’s like having a fucking contest.

    On second thought, a fucking contest would be entertaining.

  • yeah says:

    @ whycantweallgetalong

    agreed. i don’t mind the harshness. lewis is right. surfers are protected from the criticism that pretty much all a-level athletes receive. i’m just asking for some thoughtful, critical writing on surfing! the jokes are getting routine. i doubt it’s all he has to say. step up, lewis!

  • yeah says:

    @ JimG

    of course the obvious answer is that powers is from hawaii. no mystery there! i was just wondering if he is ACTUALLY RETARDED. take the irons bros. yeah, those guys aren’t going to make anyone forget neils bohr, but fuck, powers seems like he’d eat paste if you gave it to him. i’m starting to think that there’s just your standard ‘hawaii-dumb’ and then there is roy powers.

  • Peo! says:

    @Fisher - agreed!

    Good job LS making the mundane entertaining. I’m looking forward to the rest!

  • john says:

    @yeah:
    Didn’t you see the movie Almost Famous ? Cameron Crowe didn’t write about how hard the band was Rockin’, he wrote about shit that people wanted, needed. Like infighting, chicks, drugs, etc. An inside perspective, and Lewis gives it to us ! Any other type of journo would be pretty effin’ boring.

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    Hmmm…’Mushy’ (shouldn’t it be ‘Mush-o’ or ‘Mick’? I digress) 2nd to Parko at Bells. He wishes, as that would be his best shot at a win.

    I happened to be listening to said riveting commentary and sent in a message to ‘Louie’ (shouldn’t it be ‘Luke-o’ or ‘Mick’?) saying ‘What the fuck are you talking about? It was Adam Robertson the Wildcard’, but don’t recall any correction or further conversation about it. Strange, but some people don’t like admitting a mistake.

    So how could Luke Egan, Renaissance man as is stated, coach of Pork-o, contest director, former World #2, SUP’er, legend from Newcastle and son to one of the best shapers ever, Sam Egan (Yes, he is ‘Son of Sam’), not know who his boy surfed against in a Bell’s final???

    All I know is he didn’t, and he either had a cold or some other plumbing issue with his nose or sinuses from day one, and he had just been in South America.

    So I think it was obviously the dreaded Swine Flu affecting his memory.

  • yeah says:

    @ john

    i guess i just fail to see what kind of shrewd insider perspective a phrase like ‘aritz the tits’ brings to the table. then again, you’re right, we really should just base all of our decision of the movie ‘almost famous’. cause yeah, that was an incredible film. on a slightly related note, if the power rankings are what you ‘need’ to make your life not ‘effin boring’, then it’s pretty clear you’re leading a pretty boring life. “giggle, giggle, lewis said ‘artiz the tits’…this is SO FUNNY!!!!! thanks for brightening up my day!!!!”

  • trauzersnake says:

    @yeah

    Three words: WHEN GROMS ATTACK!!

  • yeah says:

    @ trauzersnake

    i know! can’t fucking stand those things!

  • yeah says:

    @ trauzersnake

    i know! those things make you want to kill yourself.

  • Bored to Death says:

    Anyone else here getting a little droopy-eyed slogging through all of Yeah’s commentary?

    Zzzzzzz.

  • Tom says:

    pff mikey picon deserved that win…why you got to be such a fucking hater..”bla bla crush the foreigner” totally lame, the rest is aight.

  • Greg Noll's Beer Belly says:

    I wonder how many ASP contestants took the SAT’s, or perhaps more importantly, how many of them know what the SAT’s are. I would also like to know how many can find Washington DC on a map, or know who our vice president is. I’m fully convinced that the NBA has a higher collective education level than the ASP. There are a couple of Duke grads floating around somewhere in “the league.”

  • Taj's Burro™ says:

    It’s not working ASP. Trying to make heros out of guys who can barely speak in coherent sentences is an absolute losers bracket.

    The OC Weakly is following your smell with their attempts at a cover story on that other fuckwit, Mike Hyson.

  • Ballz says:

    Much better, Lewis. Go easy on your dog, mate. He at least had the sense to shit all over Transworld. (Don’t worry–I don’t believe for a minute the conspiracy that you collected your dog’s shit and placed it on top of the mag).

    Jihad’s Morey eel arms is classic.

  • Ballz says:

    And I don’t know what I was thinking suggesting that you head over to ESPN. I just conducted a search from their archives and came up with nay a single reference to the word fuckery. Neither did I find mention of custard fuck or fuck wit.

  • Ballz says:

    If using the words custard fuck, fuck wit and fuckery is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

  • BIL-O BIL-O says:

    Gosh-these guys are all lucky bastards. Jihad rips!

    Where’s the friggin swell anyway? i’m so sick of this knee high dribble everyday-there goes another week, stuck in the office. i need a new set of collie.

    I’m also really looking forward to waking up at 6am to drive 3 hours to visit my wife’s grandparents in palm springs tomorrow. Forecast: 110 and sunny.

  • West Hollywood says:

    “Trying to make heros out of guys who can barely speak in coherent sentences is an absolute losers bracket.”

    I think the problem is with Australian accents. They seem to have two basic types. The back of the throat growl and the mouth full of tongue mumble. There are a indeed well spoken Aussies, but the majority of the guys on the tour seem to have the Australian equivalent of Americana Redneck enunciation. As for the Hawaiians, most of them are the offspring of underachievers who dropped out and drifted to the Islands thirty years ago*. That and they are all just so young. Even the NBA knuckleheads had to play some college ball before they could turn Pro. Surfers start at seventeen, and very few teenagers are well spoken.

    *An exception would be Gerry Lopez!

  • Dr. X says:

    Saquarema Pro 09 in Brazil is ON in nice head-high lefts (bigger yesterday):

    http://www.br.ripcurl.com/?eventlive

    This is in the same place as the “Brazilian Chopes” featured on Surflies.com this week. Saquarema is a better wave than mushy Vila-Imbituba where they held the ASP contest. During June-July this year, Saquarema was consistently overhead, offshore, and hollow.

  • trauzersnake says:

    @Greg Noll’s Beer Belly

    You’d be really hard-pressed to find a high school graduate among ASP contestants (and QS warriors). It would probably take the entire field to find out what X is in 3X=24. Fucking pathetic. The punt return team for the chargers posesses more education and intelligence.

  • Dr. X says:

    And check out the poonani on the beach.

  • yeah says:

    @ Bored to Death

    you’re right! as usual!

  • Greg Noll's Beer Belly says:

    @ trauzersnake

    That is precisely the problem. We live in a world where 16 year old kids are treated as the second coming, and we wonder why they are fucking retarded and wind up as transient retards. The sad thing is, on a national level home-schooled students are statistically smarter than public school kids. Not that it really matters in this situation, because even the ones who do go to school don’t do much besides show up to surf class. There’s a video on youtube of Andrew Doheny where he talks to his school counselor, who politely asks why he hasn’t done any of his school work for the past two months. Hmmm, could it be that he was getting baked off his ass and surfing lowers every day? I wonder. At least with traditional sports there is an impetuous to do reasonably well in school. If you are really that dumb you aren’t getting into to college no matter how good you are (unless your name is Derrick Rose).

  • Greg Noll's Beer Belly says:

    I actually had a kid tell me the other day that him getting d’s in high school is okay because he’s going pro. I have never seen this kid land a legit air. I walked away.

  • Fishing w/Brautigan says:

    Of course some people like Kala Alexander, who was a good student in school, make life defining decisions to become completely stupid thugs!

  • bdub says:

    @yeah: I agree, would like some surf-related info. But you have to love the humor. Jihad morey eel arms? That shit is golden! I am confident Lewis will start mentioning the surfing once he gets to the guys whose surfing was worth mentioning.

    Lewis, a couple things I would really like your take on:
    1) Freddy P’s paddle bullshit v Otts
    2) Sean Holmes, he deserves a ranking more than any from 36-45 for sure.
    thanks.

  • R.I.P.per says:

    Looking forward to reading the PostSurf obituary.

  • bdub says:

    Forgot to mention,did think Muscroft surfed well, might have gone farther if he didn’t come up against K9.

  • where? says:

    Kelly Slater was asked a question while commentating in Brasil about where someone he use to be on tour with was now (can’t remember who) his answer “he is a baggage handler”. L.S should do a weekly on “where are they now?”. Not guys from 20 years ago but ones that were on tour the last 5 years. From shining star to baggage handler.

  • bdub says:

    @R.I.P.per: How is life over there @ Surfline?

  • trauzersnake says:

    @Greg Noll’s Beer Belly

    Maybe instead of a new tour, Slater should start a halfway house for washed up pro surfers. They could offer drug treatement, tattoo removal, lessons on how to act in a regular society, and vocational training. It would be perfect for a guy like Sunny Garcia. How old is that guy 38? 39? Career is over, and he still goes around beating people up and stuff. I see a return to the big house, rather than any return to the big show, in that guy’s future.

    Then how about K. Andino? D. Andino isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, and this is encouraged to perpetuate…….don’t even get me started!!!

  • Stu says:

    RIPper is going to have to wait a long time - free blogs written by a guy with a paying job don’t usually just go away. That is, unless Lewis continues to ditch contests and in-person discussion with the top 44. I assume he’ll at least catch Trestles live? Maybe the US Open too for some how’s it hanging talk with the Hobgoblins? I, for one, agree with yeah on this one - this version of the rankings covers two comps yet seems just a mere rehash of former PostSurf posts. Fuck, it was WAY better when Lewis was putting CJ last for punching him in the eye or whatever that bs story was.

  • Refreshed says:

    Droughts in India, delayed start to the rainy season… welcome back El Niño-Southern Oscillation, I for one have missed you, what’s it been like 10/12 years since you last seriously came down? I still remember and now I can dream of what Autumn and Winter will bring me.

  • yeah says:

    @Greg Noll’s Beer Belly

    have to agree with you on the general level of intelligence for the guys on the tour. if roy powers broke his leg and couldn’t surf again, he’d be fucked. seriously, could this guy even hold down a pizza delivery job? then again we’re talking about a group of people who think that kelly slater is a real intellectual. i suppose he’s a good ’spokesman for the sport’ but all that really means is that he can complete a sentence without falling over. bottom line, if kelly slater is your go-to guy for insightful commentary, it must mean that the bottom of the barrel is really fucking deep. i still maintain that roy powers eats paste.

    @ lewis

    it’s probably time to make a message board on this site dude!

  • Greg Noll's Beer Belly says:

    Listening to Kelly Slater talk about heats is the equivalent of asking a stripper her opinion on the current economic crisis. To paraphrase Rick Riley; some things, like the safety rating on a Ferrari, just don’t matter. He’s nice to watch surf, and thats about it. I think they should do away with post heat interviews and remove all former pro’s from the press box.

  • Meatwad says:

    powers seems like he’d eat paste if you gave it to him.

    COTW shit right there

  • Meatwad says:

    really though i have been laughing about that all morning
    “Hey Roy you want some paste its o.k. you can have it boy”

  • fasi says:

    that was some harsh shit
    Lewis, you are crazy if you go to trestles
    funnier yesterday

  • yeah says:

    @ Greg Noll’s Beer Belly

    amen to that.

  • yeah says:

    @ MeatWad

    i’m pretty sure he’d do it. if anyone actually knows roy powers, can they check this out for us? will this motherfucker eat paste? if so, did he request a spoon or did he just dive right in?

  • lazer® says:

    If someone could inform Senor Samuels that the term ‘Chinamen’ is racially insensitive, that’d be great.

    To yeah and JimG: I think you need to give Hawaiians a little leeway here. We can all admit surfers do not get the best educational opportunities, and their resultant intellects suffer as opposed to the majority of the populace. Think of it in terms of this website; you two leave pretty worthless comments here, but in the grand scheme of the internet you’re probably above average.

  • Greg Noll's Beer Belly says:

    @ lazer

    I think you need to rethink the first part of that comment. Surfers get every “educational opportunity” that anyone else in this society does. Just because your from Hawaii doesn’t give you license to be a fucking idiot. Case in point, good ol’ Barrack went to school in Hawaii and he seems to be doing alright.

  • Occy's Mum® says:

    Ahhhhhhh yeeeeeeah, the ‘I don’t give a fuck’ group.

  • lazer® says:

    Greg Noll’s Beer Belly: Barack Obama went to Punahou, the most expensive private high school on Oahu. That affords him opportunities that other, less prestigious schools cannot. I don’t really feel like schooling you on the hypocrisies of privatized education in our country at this moment, so you’ll just have to wait your turn.

    What am I to think when you simple-minded fucks are so enamored of Kelly Slater and Dane Reynolds that you believe they’re somehow intellectually superior to the rest of the top 45? I’m guessing you guys who hear someone talking pidgin and assume he’s unintelligent are the same ones who think having dark skin or a southern accent means you’re stupid.

  • trauzersnake says:

    I guess they’re not all idiots, Timmy Curran and Donovan are great musicians, um, err…..i mean, sorry.

  • lazer® says:

    PS: Who’s the ‘fucking idiot’ you’re referring to?

  • lazer® says:

    trauzersnake! How went the penile implant surgery?

  • trauzersnake says:

    Well, walking a little gingerly right now, but the results were wonderful! A little more strength at the base and just a little more girth.

  • yeah says:

    @ lazer

    i guess we should be giving the hawaiians leeway for being stupid. should we also give the girls leeway for backing out of bigger surf? in terms of worthless comments, JimG and I are really out of line. we should probably be mentioning ‘turtlegate’ or something else equally pressing. sorry! didn’t mean to get your vag all hot and bothered!

  • The Nug says:

    Did Greg Noll’s Beer Belly just quote (paraphrase) Rick Reilly? Fuck you are boring. Really? There are hundreds of thousands of writers to quote and you pick Reilly? You must be 1) more than 50 years old. 2) Think “Cocoon” was underrated and needs a sequel and 3) read your micro economic textbooks on weekends when the surf is flat.

    Mr. Beer Belly you are an imposter. If Greg Noll’s Beer Belly were to paraphrase a writer it would be Bukowski and it would go a little something like this…Sometimes you just have to piss in the sink.

  • surfcheck says:

    If you want to find Roy to ask if he eats paste just post up at Haleiwa’s Alii beach park and ask around, I’m sure the bros can find him for you. No, Roy didn’t go to Punahou. Roy “attended” either Wailua or Kahuku- neither is remotely Punahou. But there are (were?) perks- as a Kahuku “attendee” remember the bus driver letting us off the bus at Sunset Beach store (before Teds) if the surf was firing so we could sneak back home and get our boards. Of course it did take till age 39 to get my bachelors degree-

    These bottoms of the rankings are so pitiful I say roll on K9 tour, only the top 20 (and some rookies) are interesting anyway. BTW, think Slater was an A student- he was before the “home-schooled” attack grom era. Compared to the fawning douche-bags in the booth he rocks as a commentator. I’m so sick of “another big hack!”- no, it was a another safety turn.

  • lazer® says:

    To yeah: You are walking a dangerous path, my friend. As a precaution, let me preface this comment by saying that my verbiage hereafter is in reference to your horrendous posting, and should not be taken as a slight upon your obviously magnificent intellect.

    My initial point (obviously not well-taken, or possibly not understood) was that professional surfers, similar to professional athletes in general, do not pursue education because of their conflicting surf schedule. This apathy toward higher education, leading to acknowledged academic deficiencies, does not preclude non-Hawaiian surfers who have taken a similar path toward oceanic stardom.

    Now as your most recent post so astutely professes, Hawaiians are stupid in the same way that the women’s tour participants don’t surf big waves. At first, I didn’t know how to approach this staggeringly insightful comparison since its underlying meaning was so obfuscated by nuance and turn of phrase. After analyzing it for about six and a half minutes, however, I was able to come to the conclusion that your miserable grasp of the English language was merely a clever ruse to scare off those who might want to actually understand what you’re trying to say.

    Well, a lesser man might have walked away, but I, sir, will not. It is SO obvious that since the women’s tour event was called off because of large surf, Hawaiians are stupid. Thank you Mr. Obvious. In truth, we should all be thanking ‘yeah’ for his ability to lead us in teasing out an obscure thesis from such a seemingly mediocre comment.

    Or perhaps you’re simply an idiot, with small ideas and an even smaller vocabulary with which to express them. Nice 7th grade insult thrown in at the end, by the way; haven’t laughed that hard since I skull-fucked your literary hero Dane Cook. Oops! Didn’t mean to get all hot and bothered!

  • Occy's Mum® says:

    lazer®, snap! A bit prosaic and a touch blasphemous, but I held in to the end.

    9.5

  • yeah says:

    @ lazer

    dane cook? are you fucking serious?

  • yeah says:

    @ lazer

    i knew the comparison was incongruous. was just curious to see how you’d handle it.

    glad to have wasted you’re time typing up a response!

  • yeah says:

    @ lazer

    bill hicks, bitch.

  • Stu says:

    Slater was, allegedly, a good student as a kid. That, however, doesn’t make for a smart man. He’s got ideas, but doesn’t seem to have any in-depth knowledge of anything in particular (other than surfing, of course). His rant in Surfer about what he’d do if elected president was as telling as anything I’ve read.

  • Fishing w/Brautigan says:

    I don’t think Hawaiian surfers have the market cornered on stupidity.

    I mean there is Chris Ward!

  • lazer® says:

    Anyone want to jump in here and take over? Anyone?

    If not, then I’ll explicate myself; I’d rather waste a minute or so of my time to respond than waste the eight years it apparently took you to get through high-school grammar.

    But I admire your enthusiasm.

  • BrodyStylez says:

    In regard to the Roy Powers debacle I’ll offer this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trvAsMTnLRI

    It looks like he suffered a stroke or something. They say that ignorance is bliss, and I am certain that these simpletons enjoy their lives much more than those who comment on Postsurf, but I take solace in the fact that my career path will enable me to earn more money as I age, while these fuckers will be crying broke in five years. As for Kelly being an A student, I can personally attest to the piss-poor quality of the public schools in Brevard county, a 4.0 GPA means you showed up 50% of the time.
    <3 Brody

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Oh my god Lewis, I haven’t even reached the end and am pissing myself and scrolling to the end to comment. I’ve been looking for a nanny and I think I’ve found my man! Jihad, you’re moving to France. Your room will be ready tomorrow. Cancel Trestles and I’ll put you up for free to train here for a few months before the Pro France! Travel, food, housing for free, just entertain my baby girl. 4 hours a day free to go train. Talk to Renato. You’re ticket is in the mail.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Lewis, put a pay pal or something so we can send donations or something… unless you’re already working LP for DKwock and Wooly?!?

  • roy powers eats paste says:

    @ BrodyStylez

    check out this little gem:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbAiZrB62GM

  • Paste says:

    Its true wardo thinks I’m delicious

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Yeah, regarding RP, believe me, it’s just an act… Like all frequent flyers, he has an understanding doctor, but RP is dumb like a fox! Funny as shit too by the way!

  • Greg Noll's Beer Belly says:

    @ lazer

    I actually didn’t know what high school he went to, but it doesn’t change the basis of my argument. There are plenty of Hawaiians who are quite smart, just not many on tour. Speaking pigen doesn’t make you an idiot, being a “simple minded fuck” makes you an idiot. If you would like to argue the benefits of the public school system I’m not sure a surf related thread is the place to do it. I actually agree with you, the public school system in America is a joke, which is why we are falling behind the rest of the world. My problem is that professional and amateur surfing place no value on education, nor do the companies that sponsor them. It is a short service to surfers who have bought into it for generations. That still doesn’t excuse stupidity, nor does it completely eliminate any personal responsibility on the part of the surfer to educate himself.

    And I have never, ever, called either Slater or Reynolds smart.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    @Taj’s Beer Belly, I know 7 guys who are at least tri-lingual and didn’t even take the SATs! Go the Euroforce! You’ve got to hand it to Marlon and Tiago commentating Brazil Quarters to Finals in their 3rd language (English) on the international webcast, and doing arguably as good a job at it as some of the “pros” did in JBay… Not to mention the Brazilians who speak better English and Spanish than most of you manage to put on an English or Australian accent!

  • Greg Noll's Beer Belly says:

    @ dave

    Agreed.

  • Greg Noll's Beer Belly says:

    and I am not Taj or any Taj related name. try again

  • SmyrnaJeff says:

    When does Trestles start? This is boring.

    BTW
    I miss Mark.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Yeah, this IS the MESSAGE BOARD, DUDE! It’s all ball bearings nowadays! What planet have you been living on? Get with the program!

    Barkeep, another pint, please!?!

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Yeah, you meatwad, depends on what’s in the paste…

  • BrodyStylez says:

    @RPEP

    I haven’t laughed so hard since the goldmine jet ski post, but it begs the question: how does this dip shit have more money than me? At least they didn’t let him talk in the ad. I guess I am just mad that my Karina Petroni home abortion kit that I got on Ebay hasn’t shown up yet, I am beginning to think I got ripped off. Negative feedback to you sir!

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Lazer used an IED on Yeah’s ass at 2:41 pm! Go Lazer!

  • caligirl says:

    @ Lazer 9.8 (and that is all I have to say but my comment is to short if I just leave my score.)

  • trauzersnake says:

    look at my cock….LOOK AT MY COCK!!!!!!

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Greg Noll’s Beer Belly, no, you must be almost as drunk as me, I wasn’t associating you with Taj. It’s just that Taj’s Burrow’s buck teeth were chattering the same shit as you about all pro surfers being stupid, so to avoid writing both of your names I lumped them into one, and now I’ve spent another minute or so of my time trying to clear up the misunderstanding! Hope all is clear now. I am not as drunk as Lewis must be when he writes these things, but drunk enough! On that happy note, I bid you good night!

    PS: Lewis, if there are no new PRs posted when I wake up tomorrow I’m calling that special friend of mine and sending the wire transfer!

  • yeah says:

    @ dave mailman

    i was referring to a board where one could make separate threads, not a single continuous stream of hundreds of comments at once. in regards to lazer, it looks like ‘greg noll’s beer belly’ is winning the hawaiian education discussion pretty convincingly.

  • surfcheck says:

    Parko so deserves to win the title not just because he is killing it this year, but also all the top 5 years plus his great personality- I hope Taj wins it next. Joel is in the same groove Mick was in when he won his title- focused, entouraged, not having fun or celebrating with his competitors. It doubt he can repeat it- Mick couldn’t. Versus Slater and AI in their runs, where it is based on just the skills + mental state. AI still has the skills, but without the mental state couldn’t win- we’ll see when he gets back next season.

  • Occy's Mum® says:

    Still. Don’t. Care.

  • Richbzz says:

    Worst comments collection in the short history of Post Surf ~ Power Rankings? Yeah Yeah Yeah(yeah I meant you, GAC)

  • Richbzz says:

    GaySwaylocks for kooks on here today. Excluding Dave Mailman. Much respect.

  • SmyrnaJeff says:

    Hey Lewis what about CaliGirlGate? Come on bro. We all know she isn’t real. Fess up.

  • Surfing Terrorist says:

    That Cyrus dude is right - this site gets less than 600 daily uniques. Not nearly as much traffic as I thought. Hope the work is worth it.

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    Porko’s secret has been revealed. Apparently they didn’t give one to Taj.

    http://www.surfersvillage.com/surfing/41909/news.htm

  • what? says:

    I actually wonder if it is their lack of education before they hit the tour or is it just, endless hours, days, months and year of being around other stupid people in the industry? Not only other surfers, but people in ever capacity. Such as journalist, photo journalist, and webcast team. Here is a link to an amazing interview of just one of the people behind the scenes.
    http://insurfnews.com/?p=843

  • Other Brother Larry says:

    @ Lewis

    “This site is based on a blind faith that there are many other surfers out there who are dissatisfied with the current state of the surf media.”

    I guess I didn’t realize that this included using phrases that are the functional equivalent of “Nigger Spooge” (i.e. “Chinamen’s semen” in the above PR of the now confirmed paste-eater Roy Powers).

    In other news, Lewis Samuels is a racist fuck.

    Ta!

  • West Hollywood says:

    Has anyone here ever heard Kobie Bryant being interviewed?

  • West Hollywood says:

    I was not aware that Chinamen had semen, because I laughed my ass off; so, I must also be a racist fuck?

    Or maybe just someone without a very thick PC stick up his ass!

  • the return says:

    nug - they did make a sequel to cocoon

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Lol @ Other Brother Larry

  • lazer® says:

    Other Brother Larry: I believe I touched upon this subject earlier; however, your wording was much more effective.

    For someone who takes such umbrage at racial injustices, Mr. Samuels might want to tone it down.

  • Taj's Burro™ says:

    Greg’s Belly said, “good ol’ Barrack went to school in Hawaii and he seems to be doing alright”.

    True. But Barry-O was predominately raised by his grandfather who was retired military, and his grandmother who was a Vice President of Bank of Hawaii.

  • Seaman Staines says:

    Whats all this talk about me being Chinese?

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Damn, it took me twenty minutes to read through the comments.

    Some preachy muthufuggahs on here today. Quit arguing about who the smartest rock in this room is.

    We all know the largest boulder here is Bob Dobbs.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    I once sodomized a racist Chinamen with a PC stick covered in gorilla semen after he called me an Americunt.

    Fucker deserved every thrust.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    I don’t agree with everything Greg Noll said, but I do find it odd that a jab at his commentary would include the words “Dane Cook;” followed up by an offense taken by the word “Chinamen.”

    Chinaman is a term that refers to a Chinese man. Not defined as offensive by older dictionaries, its use is nowadays discouraged by Asian American organizations and others… blapety friggin’ blah.

    I can attest to the fact that neither Lewis, nor I are considered “young.” In fact, I’m pretty sure the two of us worked side by side panning gold at Sutter’s Mill just a few years back alongside many of our Chinese brethren. In fact, pyrite was named after many of our discoveries.

    In short: Suck it, elitist assholes.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    (We all know Yeah and Greg Noll’s Something or Other are the same person)

  • fasi says:

    we don’t know that, unless you work at postsurf and can make the IP address connection. BR=lewis gate?

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    @fasi,

    Let me save Lewie the trouble of a ponderous IP search. I am not, and could not be, Lewis Samuels. It’s physically impossible. Why?

    Do you think Lewis has the time to sit here all Saturday morning (oops!) making incredulous comments on his own blog? Hell no. He has much more important things to do… like staring at the base of his toilet, while the last of his sorrows are flushed into the oblivion we commonly refer to as: “PeterPerfect’s swollen goiter.”

    Besides, I have intimate information about Jamie O’Brien that Lewis surely would have unleashed upon our barbaric arses… if he were I.

    In conclusion, Lewis is Jewish… and I worship at the feet of our precious Laird Jesus. The Laird’s blood has cleansed me and made me white as snow.

    There.

    Mark, I said the fateful words. Please, come back to His fold.

    That is all.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    And by ‘Peter Perfect,’ I mean Many Fay…

  • lazer® says:

    I was talking to yeah when I mentioned Dane Cook.

    And the only reason I bring up the Chinamen thing is because I seem to remember Lewis writing something about his sensitive Jewish side, and how he’s entitled to make German jokes. So unless you’re also Korean and/or Tibetan, stop insulting the Chinese Mr. Samuels.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    @lazer,

    I could be wrong, but I believe Lewis may have been pointing out a fact, when he referenced our future dependence on men from China.

  • surfcheck says:

    Lewis- unless you are a trustifarian agree with D Mailman you should open a Paypal account for the site. Although with 600 visitors you won’t make much- unless these are industry insiders willing to pay big bucks for “market intelligence”. But I’d like to buy you a beer anyway. And the cool thing about Paypal is if/when you sell out it can just be Paypaled to you no one will be the wiser-

  • lazer® says:

    I understand, and I hate to be a stickler, but the correct term’s “Chinese”.

    To be honest, this is not a huge deal for me at all.

  • Slater Hater says:

    BR is JOB…I bet

  • An interesting comment from the STAB message boards:

    I’m lying if I say that I grew up with Lewis in Bolinas. Point is I know this clown. The kid is a spoiled leotard that was ALWAYS only concerned about himself and covering up his insecurities and pain by screwing others. He’s always been a maggot. I have no clue how a zine as brilliant as Stab would even mention his name. If you guys had beers with Lewis Samuel’s you’d realize he’s a total wank job that spits jack’d negatron words + vibes to prop up his lack of security and unhealthy need for “cool guy” attention. There’s no mystery, its created with smoke while he looks in the mirror. The irony in all of this is that he’s appropriated the words, character and essence of Bad Vibe Bob (old school San Francisco artisian dickhead Surf Nazi smack talker) to create some sort of pseudo negatron-surf-discourse writer guy character for himself. He’s a chameleon. In the past he swung his dick with cognitive studies at UCSD to get internet UX (user experience) jobs that lasted a minute. That was when the internet was hot. Yes, he was a dot com douche bag too. Scott Hulet should ask for his money back. Lewis also surfed “retro” boards in Bolinas when that was hot…until BVB started slamming the twin fin selling Mollusk surf shop b/c they (the Mollusk crew) invaded BVB’s surf “art guy” turf and a few waves. Lewis jumped on the BVB anti-wagon b/c it’s easier to hate when you never got love. It pains me to type this, and I speak for everyone that read BVB’s destructional rants on E’s “Niceness” OB blog, if anyone deserves the pub that Lewis gets, it’s BVB. Lewis jacks BVB’s words and tone left and right, inside and out. As much as I think BVB is a dickhead surf comedian, Lewis trying to jack him has made me painfully appreciate the twisted BVB INC originality all the more.

    Lewis, please crawl back into your Range Rover. Stop scamming the Sumbawa Foundation and get outta dodge bro. The heat is officially on and deserved beat downs will be had…even if you surf better than me/us. Lastly, it sucks to spew more negative bullshite, but someone needs to call it out and shut you the fuck up before your fingers are broken and your face bashed in. xox, The Bolinas Surf Patrol Admin

    and…

    I hate to burst a couple of bubbles here, mostly it seems at Stab, but Lewis Samuels isn’t…that…good. The Power Rankings are a poor facsimile of Derek Hynd’s top 45 reviews from the 90s and the posts on his website are fuelled by a pastiche of class and culture envy. The reason his sad little ravings get any air is the vacuum of criticism in the sport.

  • John Brown Chinatown says:

    @ Lazer

    “If someone could inform Senor Samuels that the term ‘Chinamen’ is racially insensitive, that’d be great.”

    Cut the guy a break, he went to UCSD and lives in the Bay Area

  • Stu says:

    That’s neither insightful nor interesting. Nothing wrong with posting it, but it’s not really relevant. In truth, the power rankings are that good, hence (i) this site, and (ii) Surfline’s inability to match them since Lewis “left”.

  • John Brown Chinatown says:

    PS…a village in northwest China wants a little bit of autonomy and there is a rolling death tally at 160 and counting (that according to the “Official” Xinhua News Agency). Not necessarily advocating racial slurs, but, as BR has stated, there is a whole lot riding on China in how the future life of the average American plays out and for international human rights advancement.

  • ReB says:

    i’d like to hear more about … whatever happened to Sean Briley ?

    there’s all this coverage of his big wave surfing in the mags & then … nothing. did the man pass away ? move to Kansas ? only surfing in Kansas is tornado surfing, and that usually doesn’t go very well.

  • john says:

    @Not Bad Vibe Bob:

    I always thought humor accompanied intellect. Guess not.

  • speeder says:

    @ slater hater

    there’s no way that BR is JOB. while BR might spew some filthy shit, he routinely uses words that i’m pretty sure JOB has no idea even exist. BR’s last post used the word ‘ponderous’. that’s a pretty big word for someone who is interested in nothing but surfing pipe. you make the call.

  • In case you’re too feeble minded to notice that I did not write the above message, I will clarify again here: I found the comment and posted it here not to further disparage Samuels, but to read responses from his faithful followers. Of course, I did, however, expect that most on these boards wouldn’t take the time to parse the message enough to respond intelligently to it, and, rather, would scan it and post their ill contrived knee jerk defenses. You have not disappointed.

    Now, hear me: This is an opportunity for you of ample faith in Samuels to use what little intellect you can muster, not to turn your offenses on the messenger, but to defend–with logos, pathos, and ethos if you dare–the integrity of your fearless leader.

  • Jack The Ripper Sasaki-Severson says:

    @ Not Bad Vibe

    we are amazed at your intellect, figuring out how to use cut and paste.

    sounds like some loser locals are pissed at LS cause he isn’t stuck in some weird hippie town flowing irie good vibes and cause he “surfs better than me/us.”

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    You cunt’s have gotten way too serious with this shit.

    And as far as Scab Magazine goes, their My Space page says it all: “Stab Magazine - A Sweaty Little Surf Mag for creepy dudes.”

    I prefer not to be creepy, thanks.

    Sad, but it would appear Scab does reflect a least a part of the ’surf culture’ going around the world today. And also how unintelligent.

    Creepy and deprived of intellect.

    You mean that this Lewis Samuel’s is not christ? How disappointing.

  • Occy's Mum® says:

    Bad Vibe Bob needs his faced punched. Fucking loser.

    What is with all of these dumbshit aggro fuckwits that plague the lineups? The older (and wiser) I get the more stupid these assholes seem to become. As for Lewis and his rants — I have to agree that some goes over the top, but none of us should take any of this shit seriously anyway. Except for the gospel that is the delightfully delirious deluge that are the words of Mr. Blasphemy Rottmouth.

    Go Lance and Watson, you fucking fuckwits.

  • West Hollywood says:

    NEW RULES:

    I would like to no longer be referred to as an Englishman.

  • caligirl says:

    My morning: I was awaken by my cute fluffy puppy. I know some people think they are useless and stupid dogs, but I love him and I have the right to own any kind of dog I want, I think he is PERFECT for me.

    Got out of bed and went for a run. I find running is good, it clears my mind and I find it is a easy way to keep in shape, other girls I know choose to not eating at all, stick their fingers down their throat,ordering diet pills off the internet from Canada or Mexico which is basically meth in pill form or the ever so fun laxative abuse is easy. I choose running it’s easy, it works for me and they are free to choose what ever method they want to use to fit into the latest style and bikini’s.

    Upon returning home, I checked my email and facebook, decided to jump on my cruiser and head over to my favorite Juice Bar/ organic market. Yes I road my bike, Why? I do not believe in burning fossil fuel when there is not a need to (and yes I stopped and hugged a few trees along the way, BTW I do support a lot of what Rasta is doing,I know many here do not, but joining the hypocrite Gore is not one of them he should do a little research on him. but that’s my opinion and his choice) There were cars in the parking lot at the market, i guess they do not believe in not burning fossil fuel like me, I guess that makes me a better person, RIGHT?

    I know my beliefs and opinion are not popular with everyone, that’s O.K. Because there are two other things I believe in, freedom of choice and freedom of speech. If you do not like what you are reading,do not read it. We are all free to make our own choices.
    And what’s all this crap about Lewis getting his ass kicked for expressing his opinion. I’ll be at Trestles for Hurley Pro, come down and hang Lewis, I’ll protect you from the small minded Neanderthals. Lighten up people, it’s just a blog.

  • West Hollywood says:

    I hate HATERS! The next time I meet a hater I’m going to Kick their ASS! I will do this because I am a peace loving person you harbors no ill feeling for any of my fellow mankind. I intend to defend that hater’s right to free speech by kicking their ass.

  • Bobby says:

    UCSantaCruz 10747 aka caligirl shut the fuck up!!!

  • surfcheck says:

    Beat-down?- more like beat-off. So what if another chump is envious of Samuels- “Bolinas Surf Patrol?”- its an oxymoron from a moron you can be sure doesn’t charge double-overhead Sloat- more like 3-ft Linda Mar on a Mollusk twin fin. In fact yep, has to be a Mollusk apologist- sorry chump, getting a Mollusk twinny and tshirt so you can drive your beamer around town with a board on top doesn’t make it artsy, cool or core- just another kook wannabe clogging the lineup.

  • caligirl says:

    @ bobby. See doesn’t is feel good to have the freedom to express your opinion that I should “shut the fuck up”. Thank you for sharing.
    Not really sure about the Santa Cruz comment? Were you trying to say I went to Santa Cruz. Sorry no I did not. I attended a private U. But if I was going to attend state U.C.S.C would have been cool.

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