Nathaniel Curran
Nathaniel Curran needs a handler. Enough with the stock-thrusters, stock-cars and Alpine Allstars shorts. The Fast and The Furious came out like a generation ago. It’s time for an image reload. What to do, what to do? Put this cat on a retro fish, let him grow his hair out, and put him in a Thomas Campbell movie. Teach him the ukulele. Three chords will do. Curran can surf – he’s proved it. But the kid is way too smooth, conservative and vanilla-frogurt forgettable to be relevant on the World Tour. What do you get if you subtract "Hawaiian" from Roy Powers? You get a perfect void. And you get Nathaniel Curran, In the last month, Nathaniel faced Fanning, Perrow, Taj, Thompson, Adriano, and Dingo. He was clean and tepid against all. He never embarrassed himself, and never really risked anything, save for a wild moment, when he lost control of his emotions and committed to a freefall float against Adriano. It won Nathaniel the heat. The rest of the time, Curran was content to let the wave do the hard work. When the wave is cooking Supers, that strategy can work.
Tim Boal
Here’s my other theory on Nathaniel Curran: he’s actually passed out in a walk-in-closet, in a villa somewhere in South Africa. International Man of Mystery Tim Boal lovingly choked him out while stroking his hair and whispering witticisms in French Guianese Creole as he picked lint off his tuxedo jacket. Then Boal propped Curran up in the bathroom, and carefully studied his face, applying just the right make-up to assume the identity of Nathaniel Curran. Boal lost out in R1 to Miky Picon with the same lanky, tepid technique applied by Curran. But Curran made it through, so Tim studied his every move, copied his every mannerism, and surfed in his place. I wouldn’t put it past Tim Boal. He’s a dangerous man. Ex-KGB, most likely. He’s probably working for some Russian oligarch now. Clearing the way for corporate plundering of foreign nations. Quietly disappearing pesky reporters and environmentalists. If there is a god, Rasta is next on his hit list. And when Parko finally holds his World Title trophy up high, in front of a sea of adoring fans, it will really be Tim Boal in disguise, not Parko.
Heitor Alves
The 33rd at J-Bay isn’t surprising. But the 17th in Brazil will most likely cost Heitor Alves dearly. Heitor’s string of low results can be attributed to wave droughts. His attack remains sharp, dripping with orchestrated desperation – Slater gave Heitor the nod for move of the event in Brazil. Alves is easily the best technical surfer of the 5 sorry cases examined today - he goes through his turns twice as fast as Emslie. But Alves hasn’t been afforded the same luxuries other competitor’s have – and that’s a decent summation of both 2009 and Heitor’s whole career. Despite this, Alves usually finds a way to succeed. Last year, he salvaged a similarly low-rated first half of the season with a 5th at Trestles and consistency down the homestretch. Alves will need the same type of production this year to stay on tour.
Aritz Aranburu
Ha! For those of you who thought Aranburu’s Tahitian 3rd was a mere fluke, well, err… actually it appears you were right. Aritz “The Tits” has followed up his career pinnacle with two straight 33rds. But goddamned if I don’t love me some Aranburu! First of all, this weird little fucker tube rides like he’s going over Niagra Falls in a barrel. He cramps himself in there, throws himself over the ledge, and fuckin’ holds on for dear life. But he does not hold back. In his R1 last second loss to Michel Bourez, Aritz held the lead for nearly the whole heat, off a 8.83 two-barrel run through Impossibles. I thought I was going to get to savor another victory-lap Aritz interview – hearing Atitz on the mic is another reason I love me some Aranburu. Have you heard this macaroon talk? Aritz delivers his thoughts with the same brilliance of Andy Kaufman’s . Just : It’s really hard not to like the guy. Can’t someone just show him a video clip so he can fix that Marty-Feldman-in-Young-Frankenstein style?
Greg Emslie
I may have finally figured out Greg Emslie: His surfing is simply as dry as his sense of humor. As reference, I present and Weare putting speed addicts to sleep in Tahiti. Now I get it! It’s all a big nod-nod-wink-wink to the fact that Emslie is seemingly the dullest, Wonder Bread motherfucker on earth. Yes? No - perhaps the joke is on you - Emslie is a genius and his art is subtlety. But every now and then, even the best break character – and for Emslie, he usually cracks when the tour arrives at J-Bay, finally losing focus and mistakenly doing something interesting for a change. In R1, it was a 7.17 off hacksnaps to down Heitor Alves. In R2, it was a pit-bull fight-back against Bede Durbidge. Bede’s rangy approach boxed Greg into a corner, as it was 17.51 to 3.83 in the early going. But Emslie answered back with a 9.17 off a pit so deep it would have made Deepak Chopra proud. Bigfoot followed it with a mid-wave Peterson Rosa tribute claim, but soon regained his composure and returned to doing nothing interesting. And if “nothing interesting” is precisely how you’d describe these last 5 Power Rankings, go leave a note on the ASP site, not here. Just take a look at the banal flan-footed ass-hats I have to write about.
Knice! Keep em coming Lewis
Sl9er should be in this group.
Alpine Allstars shorts. Classic.
Lewis, I know this shit must be tough. Hats off for giving a shit.
And I was so bored halfway through Heitor, that I commented above to keep myself from falling asleep. But the “banal flan-footed ass-hats” swipe at all five had me laughing out loud. Looking forward to the top-10, and still a touch bummed that we don’t have a title race. But we still got Watson and Lance. Have that you Aussie fuckwits.
Tim Boal; if only he could rid the world of Rasta, that would be a bigger accomplishment than a WCT title. One can only dream. Me, I mean.
Haha love this shit mate! so classic!
***BREAKING NEWS! DANE REYNOLDS’long lost twin brother has been found! Here’s the proof:
I would actually describe this last round of power rankings as bordering on completely irrelevant. However, as Lewis so deftly points out in his last few lines, that isn’t his fault. Instead, we should blame all of the mostly interchangeable surfers on the ass-end of the top 44 who show up and “are just stoked to be here surfing great waves duuuuude”. In the words of a greater man than I: Fuck all that noise. These duuudes are either a) making excuses for getting smoked by the real professionals, or b) complete idiots who spend a lot of time and money surfing thirty minutes at a time in fair to middling waves just because they like to wear contest jerseys.
If someone showed up to the NBA finals and said that they were just “happy to be there,” he would be laughed off the court. Same with the World Series, the Super Bowl and the US open of anything. Incredibly, the “dream tour” is made up predominantly of athletes who are happy to vomit up such quotes just about every time someone points a camera at them. Until these boys show up to win, and stop being “stoked for Joel,” or whoever it is who spanks them like underage nymphos, they will always be some of the most irrelevant people in the surfing world.
Your genius Lewis, observations have given me a great idea!
With Kelly starting a new tour of the top 16, leaving the floatsum and jetsum of the lower tier average tossers out in the cold, how about if these wankers all band together and start a new side tour, calling it the BFA?
The Banal Flan-Footed Ass-Hats.
This shit talks way too much about actual surfing, I wanna hear more insults. How about a retro/gaybro power rankings?
California had a good showing at JBay, Nathaniel surfed best I’ve seen him, Dane was off the chart, Bobby and Taylor surfed good. Also Santa Barbaran Slater ripped until his wave-starved heat with Knox. Good momentum and vibes going into Trestles- think good chance to keep the trophy home. Along with the $100K US Open in HB, Cali is showing the money to the tour-
To: Mr. Lewis Samuels
Re: “Just take a look at the banal flan-footed ass-hats I have to write about.”
Dear Sir,
I have nothing more cunning or direct to add. Although the fat can be tasty, it doth clog mine arteries.
Thank you for summing up all my thoughts on the previous 12 surfers so succinctly.
Sincerely,
Blasphemy Rottmouth
Avid surfer, and full time jugular drinker.
P.s.
Though the reasons were dubious, Lazer® did lay quite the smack-down on Greg Noll.
Epic.
fucking brutal having to suffer through the misery of the bottom half of the 44 whether it is in the event or even when Lewis is writing about them. A top 16 tour has been needed for way too long. Do 44 people actually have a chance at being world champ….NO…..so why the fuck do we have to waste our time watching them lose all year long. doesn’t make much sense. Any asshole commenting on this post can lay down some 33rd’s just as easy as these Banal Flan-Footed Ass Hats.
Found!
A translation of a comment made by Bad Vibrator Slob (who hasn’t tasted your overly ripe nectar?) on 07/17/09… that those with an education surpassing the fourth grade may understand:
An interesting comment from the CRABS message boards:
I’m lying if I say that I grew up with Big Vibrator Slob in Bolinas. Point is, I know this clown. The kid is a spoiled leotard, that was ALWAYS only concerned about himself, and covered up his insecurities and pain by screwing others. He has always been a maggot. I have no clue how a magazine as brilliant as Crabs would even mention his name. If you guys had beers with Lewis Samuels, you’d realize he’s a total frank job that spits mack’d negatron words + vibes to prop up his lack of personal security and unhealthy need for colostomy attention. There is no mystery; it is created with strokes while he looks in the mirror.
The irony in all of this, is that he’s appropriated the words, characters, and essence of Big Vibrator Slob (an elderly San Franciscan nudist with a penchant for Nazi cock smacking), to create some sort of brutal negatron-surf-discourse character for himself.
He’s a chameleon. Just like… chameleons. In the past he swung his dick with cognitive studies at UCSD to get chicks that lasted a full minute. That was when internet porn was hot. (Apparently, it’s not anymore) Yes, he was a dot com douchebag too. Scottie should be beamed back, now. Lewis also surfed on “retro” boards in Bolinas when that was hot…until BVD started slamming the coon skin selling Moll Husk surf shop because they (the Moll Husk crew) invaded BVB’s ‘surfy art-fart’ turf… and a few waves. Lewis leapfrogged over BVB’s anti-wagon, because it’s easier to bypass those stuck in the quagmire of their own micomium-filled diapers, when you can shit in a real toilet.
It pains my worm-eaten brain to type this, (and I speak for all here of us who read BVB’s delusional rants while on ‘E’), if anyone deserves the public flagellation that Lewis gets, it’s BVB.
Lewis jacks BVB’s sword left and right, inside and out… and as much as I think BVB is a Gallagher-esque surf comedian, Lewis trying to jack him off has made me painfully appreciate the twisted ability to ejaculate normally all the more.
Lewis, please crawl back into my life. Stop scamming the Sumbawa Foundation and get out of dodge bro, bra, braheim, brohymn, broski, brodinoodles. The heat is officially on, and deserved beat-offs will be had…even if you make love better than me.
Lastly, it sucks to spew more negative bullshit, but someone needs to call it out and shut you the fuck up before your fingers are broken and your face bashed in.
XOXO,
The Bolinas Butt Patrol Admin
P.S…
I hate to burst a couple of bubbles here… mostly, it seems, at Crabs Magazine; but Lewis Samuels is not… THAT… good. The Power Rankings are a poor facsimile of Derek Hynd’s top 45 reviews from the 90s (thank our precious Laird and Saviour), and the posts on his website are fuelled by a pastiche of class and culture enjoyment. The reason his rad little ravings get any air; is the vacuum of criticism in the sport.
Negatron… heh heh heh.
Weaksauce.
@ BrodyStylez
You want retro/gaybro? Watch that fuckfest of a movie called “The Present” by Thomas Campbell. Worst birthday present I ever got.
And can we quit our hate of Nathaniel already? He DID win a heat in J-Bay. Plus, his brother makes music that could tranquilize a rabid rhinoceros in Botswana from his safe circle of pious trustafarians who gather faithfully around an illegal fire pit on the hallowed grounds of Silver Strand on alternating Saturday evenings.
Plus, Nate Curren also had an incredible run in the hit films:
Nathaniel Curran: Stars in the epic gay-porn saga: ‘The Shaft and the Furriest’.
Nathaniel Curran: Headlines a perennial WQS leader board list in: ‘The Last and the Fury-less’.
Nathaniel Curran: Starring in the laugh-out loud college alcoholic romp: ‘The Pabst and the Blurriest’.
Nathaniel Curran: Provides scene-stopping, ‘Oscar-esque’ moments, in the UK-banned scat film: ‘The Passed and the Gassiest’.
What?
‘The Flaccid and the Curious’ was taken… by Dayyan Neve.
Ahahana! Why dis disrespek on bruddah Roy? Hawwai boy done good! I remember him when he was a little keiki, pushing him into waves, watching him learn. And he learned good! But all you mainland fuckas, you the same way. You come heah, take our lands and try to change the culture. But it will not pass!!!!! And don’t even ever show youself on da north shore Lweis, you gone get dirty lickins from more than one. And Powerrs, he a good boy, right good wordz for him, where is your aloha, I WANT TO KNOW
these comments fucking suck.
@ aipa paipo
grow a pair, assclown!
i’d like to hear some of the older guys talk about their tips on dealing with a receding hairline.
obviously Slater decided a long time ago to go with the “shaved dome” approach. TKnox has gone with the “comb forward”, which seems to be working.
Occy still has a lot of hair, at age 40 !
@ReB
Propecia.
And stay out of salt water.
@Blasphemy Rottmouth
Love your stuff. I hope you are an English teacher in the public school system.
You’re so pathetic and so bloody ethnocentric (Yankeecentric).
BTW how good is your Spanish? German? French? or Basque? Do you speak any other language apart from your mother tongue you freaky moron?
That was super-hateful and totally unnecessary.
“Have you heard this macaroon talk? Aritz delivers his thoughts with the same brilliance of Andy Kaufman’s Latka from Taxi”
That was Superb and totally necessary.
NO, it was not Superb, funny or necessary.
Blasphemy. Rottmouth. Internet trash.
Me and my husband enjoyed reading your blog post. Keep up the good work.