Ben Dunn
Along with Drew Courtney, Ben Dunn is one of only a handful of Australian competitors who are confirmed to have marsupial pouches. While Mr. Courtney now reportedly keeps Nivea cream in his pouch, Mr. Dunn keeps a heat sheet, a waterproof copy of The Indian in the Cupboard, and ironically, a small Indian. That said, Dunn hopped into perhaps the second finest performance of his young career, with only his backside tuberiding effort at The Search in Indo surpassing his J-Bay performance. Dunn’s a bit of a Joe Friday when it comes to surfing by the book – not coincidentally, Dunn was reared in the pouch of his father , a surf coach specializing in technique. Dunn’s surfing lacks the emotional spontaneity of just about any other surfer with emotions. But when the waves get good, Dunn tends to avoid mistakes – He smoked Tommy Whitaker off a three barrel 9.23, without ever risking anything – during each of his pits, the nose of his board was clearly visible. But there’s a logical purity to Dunn’s surfing, and his lines at J-Bay were pleasing in the manner of a Chopin etude based on the Golden Ratio.
Jay Thompson
Oh Bottle. What could have been. With two 33rds in a row, Jay Thompson has fallen from 13th to 21st in the ratings, and he could have his injury-replacement wildcard revoked later this year if everyone gets healthy. What a bitter pill – to lose in a wave-starved R1 affair, only to watch from the stands as J-Bay goes mental for the next few days. Against Nathaniel Curran, Bottle was one of many surfers who lost due to the myth of Kirra. With an anomalous sand-bank lining the bricks, every competitor and arm-chair pundit was convinced that epic barrels would be on hand. Eventually, these cylinders arrived – but not in R1. Premature optimism suited Thompson and others poorly, as they squandered their few set waves pumping down the line, check-stalling, looking for that mythical Kirra section like an Alzheimer’s patient looking for their keys. You know what they say about not being able to find your keys: Not remembering where you left your keys is normal. It’s time to worry when you don’t remember that you have a car.
Chris Davidson
Two 17ths for Chris Davidson, but flash bulbs of mongrel spirit popping off amidst all that mediocrity. The finest amongst them may have been Davo’s 9.57 right in Brazil. It was classic Chris Davidson: winning via the old-fashioned military tactics of surprise and high ground. Davo simply saw a lip, threw it up there, floated as it flared, and took the long way down with an improbable elevator drop. Shades of Nicky Wood’s Lacanau landings circa 1991. The judges didn’t expect to see the battered old alchi land it… but he did, and they scored him accordingly. At J-Bay, Davo won his first heat riding a borrowed Firewire, and lost his second heat after creasing his board and wasting time with the run-around. Davo isn’t the smoothest of surfers, and in between convict snaps he mostly did the Amy Whinehouse heroin shimmy while pumping down the line. His frantic, emotional approach is better suited to beach breaks. Consider him the anti-Ben Dunn.
Josh Kerr
Josh Kerr has been pigeon-holed by the judges. Realistically, they know what to expect from Kerr and he suffers from it on both fronts. They expect big airs, so when Kerr impressively sticks one, the judges usually underscore it, knowing how easy it was for him. Josh will get a 6 for a big boost, as landing it merely confirms suspicions. But if Taylor Knox were to do the same air, he'd get an excellent score based on the aforementioned military tactics of surprise and high ground. Making matters worse, Kerr’s bread-and-butter turns are probably a bit underscored by the judges, as they have Kerr pegged as a surfer who's weak on the rail. If Kerr isn’t backwards or airborne at some point on a wave, the panel is over it. Kerr’s recent losses exemplify my theories: in Brazil, he stuck one healthy punt but didn’t build a tract house for it to live in, and lost to the Ginga Ninja. At J-Bay, Josh stayed put on the speedy walls, making it look like he was always one pump away from launching a massive rotation. But launch he did not – so he lost. Catch-22. What sober write-up. I need a fresh drink.
Dayyan Neve
Dayyan might be having a tough season, with 17ths across the board and a 33rd at J-Bay, but you gotta give the bloated bloke some credit. He’s definitely accomplished more than any post-op tranny in the history of professional surfing. No one thought that Pauline Menczer could overcome arthritis to win a world title, but she did that, too. Now “Dayyan” is my third favorite Diane, behind Diane Arbus and Diane Sawyer. ( to enjoy video of Diane Sawyer reporting the day after Obama’s inauguration, drunk as a skunk. What a hot mess!) Anyhoo… Dayyan can fuck shit up at pointbreaks with his Curren/Menczer/Knox hybrid approach. But in R1, he was another punter who made the mistake of believing the Kirra hype. Neve lost by less than a point to Aussie wildcard Heath Joske. If Dayyan had quit hunting the barrel and laid it on rail a few times, he would have made the heat. I will now return my attention to that tingling sensation in my special place, as I replay video of that drunken vixen Diane Sawyer.
Diane Sawyer- see those boots?- hottest MILF ever!
2 Power Rankings in One Day !!!
we’re not complaining but … does this mean you’re Really drunk ?
Nice job Lewis. Even the douchebags at expn gave you kudos today. Quick Q: Shouldn’t Jake Howard be a writer for evaluating the best donuts to eat? Dude should pick a different profile pic, looks like a blonde whale.
nice write ups, lewis.
Good job! Definitely enjoyed reading this!
WTF! I’ve looked everywhere and I still can’t find the Paypal donate button. Can someone please help me? In all seriousness, you could spend $150 on ’surf mags’ subscriptions and not get the same level of intellectual stimulation in one sentence of Postsurf. PLEASE SELL OUT LEWIS!!
Insightful stuff. We don’t get this anywhere else.
Whoa, sober enough to write on a Sunday? Weak.
Comment of the Week, please. WTF are you gonna do for the long drag to Lowers? Turtle gate can’t last another 6 weeks….Can it?
my favorite Dayyan!!!! holy shit…those pics are all time of him and Pauline…..Suggestion for the next time you review PIGGY..my all time favorite Lewis nickname….just realized last night that he’s a look a like for Lee Harvey Oswald…test the theory, it works
speaking of the chris davidson amy winehouse comparison, did anybody see his backstage interviews…dude looks tore up
Diane Sawyer is so hot! Looking good, Lewis! Bottoms up!
what does a kangaroo pouch smell like anyway ?
per wikipedia, it’s a delightful bouquet of “kangaroo urine, kangaroo feces, and kangaroo hair.” it smells like a zoo.
Kangaroo Pouch - the name of Joel Tudor’s new Kookbox Cologne ?
Get. Ting. Better.
And thanks for the Diane Sawyer tingles. Gotta love being in the Sweet Spot eh Lewis? Young enough to date 23 year olds, old enough to date their moms.
Ahhhhh, enjoy.
P.S. Just so you all know, Diane is 64 (and smokin’).
Dianne Sawyer is a drunken liberal skank who was celebrating the beginning of the end of this great nation of ours. I would much rather hang out in a backwoods bar in Alaska rockin and rollin with Sarah Palin than toasting the decline of our country in some yuppie Georgetown bar with the worst female ” journalist” in history.
BTW is PacNW still around? Looks like I am headin up your way after all. Sayin aloha to the “open air prison” that some call the North Shore but only after enjoying the next 10 days straight of south swell action in town. I got into it with my boss BIG TIME the other day and we almost threw blows. I let my emotions get the better of me and ended up screaming at him right in front of the entire company calling him a “fucking ball licker” at least 20 times. It felt good. Now I can surf 6 hours a day for 10 days straight before I leave. Thanks Lewis.
Someone has been cruising the pages of GQ
The rankings seemed to have adopted more whit, and less sh*t. nice
Thank ya Mark! You betcha! I have plenty of free time now that I quit my job, so I might just see ya at one of our local beer joints. Maybe you can help me plan Levi’s murder???? Do you know how to field dress a moose? I’m getting excited about my run for presidency in 2012. We’re gonna wipe out the gays and intellectuals one by one–show them what family values is all about!
Oh yeah, and Blasphemy Rottmouth fucked me in the ass.
Look at the Panda!
@ Sarah Palin
I take it back.
Ain’t no WAY this ole boy is goin in behind B. Rot.
Now look at the poodle!
we’re here for you, Mark.
If I HAD to Have a gay encounter, it probably wouldn’t be with blasphemy rottmouth. It seems like his hygeine practices are not that clean and, well…..and lucky for him. My huge cock would absolutely rip his rectum, so……..
Fuck, surfer drowned at Kelly’s this afternoon. Surf was nice 3-4 combo swell, low tide, little wind- don’t know what happened but be careful out there-
Hey Lewis how about a Curren V Occy Power Ranking after their titanic media frothing J Bay Battles.
Dayyan Neve: The 21st century homosexual surfer’s version of Munga Barry. Wait. That is an oxymoron. Or, maybe my soul needs cleansing with oxy-clean after that comment?
Josh Kerr: Though you and your conjoined twin were separated at birth, Owen Wilson was tragically funny in ‘The Royal Tenenbaums,’ before being tragically bamboozled in ‘Shanghai Noon.’ You entered the stage woefully outgunned for a showdown… will you exit the stage as a member of dysfunctional royalty?
Ben Dunn: Show me your ID, bitch! You look like a twelve year old Mouseketeer. Which is perfectly fine…
… with Michael Jackson’s ghost. And dude… your name is an anagram for “Ban Nude” for chissakes.
Chris Davidson: ASP profile states, “Coming Soon!” No joke. Look it up. It’ll be the third and fourth hits his profile has ever had. But I can’t hate the bloke; my wife always says I come too soon.
Jay Thompson: What Lewis said.
@Sarah Palin,
It felt like plugging my junk into a rabid lamprey’s mouth… but it was worth it.
This site is so fucking gay these days. I bet it shuts down soon and Lewis plows his filthy profits into an Equadorian surf camp that is known for its killer blow.
Everything is changin bro. its gnarly.
Samuels, how fucking long does it take you to do a power ranking? WTF…a week later and only on 26? Slacker.
@SmearJeff’sNuts,
“Surf camp for 18 year old Alana Blanchard-esque known for their killer blows.”
Get his itinerary straight, brahskidaddle.
@Throwspoop,
Four rankings per day…
…I did the math.
You do the paste.
Ben Dunn has been machined by his ’super coach’ father (see Darren O’Rarrerty, Trent Munro, Phil McDonald) into the most us-spontaneous door stop in the universe. Surely the powers that be are getting sick of this? I am. Can kids like this go into earley retirement? Oh yeah… Shaun Cansdell did and he’s doing just fine.
Apparently, some may be confused by the Jorge Bushian math applied to my last comment. No worries, it was as lame as my alternative:
Top 44 / № days before next contest X Roy Power’s IQ / √ of the word fuckery = Perfect Average Posting So My Ear Accepts Anal.”
Or,
P.A.P. S.M.E.A.R.
Mr Samuels, I doubt that a well educated and discerning media man like yourself seriously believes that you can deface ASP’s copyrighted images and republish them on the internet with impunity. I can only presume that you are either very brave or very, very stupid.
1) Nicely said. Insightful. Accurate. I’m amazed at your expertise Lewis. You did a pretty good job too, BR.
2) I’ll never look at Diane Sawyer the same way again. Mix a bit of alcohol, some black boots and no sleep and she becomes a minx.
3) I thought that ‘Mark’ went back to his cave…for good. Note to ‘Mark’: Things have changed since you left here. We’ve become an actual democracy again. If heading back to ‘the mainland’, keep heading north until you hit the Alaskan border. That’s where all the fuckwit republicans are kept now. Sort of like a zoo. You’ll be happier there.
4) As the saying goes, “any publicity is good publicity”. It’s looking like the ASP needs all they can get right now. Surely they must know.
Nothing about me in these Posts? Boring.
Get back in your cube, Cote.
Post Surf is for people who are done their homework.
that was a great review of TransWorld SURF. Charlie is cool, and i think when he tells me to “get bent”, he means have my penis bent in a sexual way by a professional prostitute. Isn’t that what “get bent” means in Oz-talk?
He also says to quit broisms, no way, i invented broisms and i will die with brosims, even if mainstream media has butt-raped them.
i will not spell check ever again by the way, i don’t care.
f8ck, dude, get a Forum at Dreamhost.com they use phpBB forum software, it’s real easy to configure. $100 a year for everything.
Eddie would go.
as far as the schlemiel threats about copyrights, i suggest drawing a portrait of each of the pro’s, which is real easy to do. all you need is Flash CS4 (free download) and then use “trace bitmap”. it “posterizes” an image, reduces the number of colors. you are then free to add a moustache or whichever embellishment, at which point it becomes artwork - which you are free to draw and publish.
Really, John Law ? Really ?? Are you referring to those gay-ass portraits ? Nigga Please !
I agree with ReB, it’s unacceptable that LS hasn’t provided us with a BB forum yet. Fuck you lagging on putting one on PostSurf, you kook. I bet you can’t even surf!
LS, go spend whatever money it takes to get it up and running. And don’t complain about spending your money on entertaining us. You’re already spending your time entertaining us for zero compensation, so you better start spending money on us too. Like that other guy said, Dance monkey, dance!