Tim Reyes
Now that his hair has grown out a bit, I’ve finally realized what’s creepy about Tim Reyes: he very closely resembles a ventriloquist’s dummy. Next time Tim wins a heat and gets interviewed by GT, I’m going to look carefully and determine whether GT is talking out of the side of his mouth with his hand up Timmy’s ass. I’d say the chances are greater than 75% and that’s discounting the whole ventriloquist theory. While on the subject of Tim Reyes – enough with Timmy whoring out spots north of Santa Cruz on Surflies. SC ain’t what it used to be – where has the hatred gone? Where’s VC when you need him? Howdy Doody from Huntington has waltzed up here and moved to the top of the pecking order. What the fuck? At J-Bay, Reyes laid into a couple keeper turns (ex: grab-rail carve) but in general he looked back-footed and non-definitive in his loss to Mick Campbell. Timmy made the semis at J-Bay during his youthful pre-injury dream season. This year, he settled for 17th.
Adrian Buchan
Ace Buchan… What to say about Ace Buchan? The poor cracker wrecked his knee in Indo, and his 2009 campaign is most likely done and dust. Full circle for Ace, who missed most of his rookie season due to injury, only to return at Trestles and get torched by Mr. Robert Kelly Slater. Last season, Ace got his tepid revenge, beating Slater in the final in France and forcing him to go to Spain for title 9. Too bad those two have a rivalry going – Buchan is probably the only guy in the Top 45 capable of discussing Nikola Tesla’s theories with Slater. I’ll leave you with this Jack Handey style Deep Thought, courtesy of Ace Buchan: “I think humans are essentially good, compassionate people that are shaped by their circumstances and environment. But, you have to try and see that for what it is and find their ‘goodness.’” Obviously, if Ace still believes humans are “essentially good” he hasn’t read through the comments on PostSurf yet.
Dustin Barca
The last time we checked in on Dustin Barca, my Jewish Surf Writer gang, Da MarmosetPak, had stepped up to face the WolfPak in a battle of the wills, words, and fists. I had warned Dustin that he best be prepared to be regulated, or at least intelligently verbally rebuked by Phillip Roth. I emailed Mr. Barca soon afterwards with an interview request, and I haven’t heard back from him yet. Who’s the scaredy cat now? It sure ain’t Da MarmosetPak. If PostSurf had a budget, any budget at all, I’d hire Gob from Arrested Development to fly to Kauai and in front of Dustin Barca. Chicken or not, Dustin stepped up in Brazil, besting Drew Courtney, Jordy Smith, and Bobby Martinez on his way to a quarterfinal bout with Parko. That’s pretty damn impressive, except for the beating Drew Courtney part. More impressive still, Barca won by using the “When in Rome” offense, surfing more Brazilian than any Brazilian, save Neco Padaratz. NO ONE surfs more Brazilian than Neco.
Michel Bourez
Simply put: Michel Bourez has quit waving his flan-fingered arms in the air, and ever since good things have been happening for him. It’s the World Tour, not an Ol’ Dirty Bastard show. You can keep your hands below your head for a minute or two. My Michel beat Ben Button in Brazil (probably snickered at that flabby relic too, like Karl Lagerfeld laughing at Beth Ditto) and entered some lofty floats into the parade in a close loss to Bede. At J-Bay, Michel finally regained his giant-killer form, ending Mick Fanning’s world title hopes with a 10 and 8.27. This is what we expected from Michel Bourez – but not what we expected for the title race. Fuckin’ seriously? The race is over in July, for the second year in a row? This is bullshit, people. What’s wrong with these pansies? These days, it seems like most contenders throw in the towel as soon as someone wins the first event on the Goldie. “No way we can catch them now! They’re a whole event ahead!”
Chris Ward
Just to clarify, I’m not the only one who drinks while I’m working. We’ve already established that drinks on the job. And Alex Trebek, host of Jeopardy, does too. (Refer to this extremely educational mash-up of on set.) I’m not going to come right out and actually say that Chris Ward has a history of competing while intoxicated… but I’m going to strongly hint at the possibility. Very few surfers on tour are actually more interesting than I give them credit for. Granted, Wardo doesn’t seem to be either – he isn’t exactly a good conversationalist (I speak from experience). But if Lost hired me to write the tell-all Wardo biography, and guilty parties were willing to talk, it sure as hell would be more interesting than anything I can write here. In Brazil, Wardo squared off against T.Knox and got the best of Captain America. At J-Bay, the Californian veterans met again and Knox got his revenge via a 9.6 drainer. Wardo surfed brilliantly, but lost anyway in a hum-dinger of a heat.
Numero uno putos
Interesting that you talk about Timmy whoring out our beloved spots North of SC.
Was on a minimalist bodysurf mission at one of those spots this morning, like I do many days before work sometimes alone, sometimes with a friend.
Today was with a friend, and we both witnessed in less that 5 feet of water, not one but two sharks come and investigate the take off zone where we were sitting not 30 seconds before the sighting.
Both sharks were small, maybe 5 or six feet, blues maybe, or juvenile GW’s, but freaked the fuck out of me and my friend. Came in from the south parrallel to the beach, cruised up towards the rocks and disappeared. I turned and swam very very quickly.
I have been surfing this little zone for 20 years, and never once even thought about it less than felt the vibe, and blammo… I guess it is sharky…
I know your spot Zeech and have surfed it many “year”.
As far as VC, I don’t think we need him as the enforcer anymore. His destructive mentoring helped the decline of many professional surfer.
It’s no secret that Chris Ward is part Thai. Sometimes I wish his father was black, partly for selfish reasons, but mainly so I could call him Chocolate Thai.
I’m glad the race is over after just three events. Maybe now the ASP can officially boycott the entire North Shore, especially the Pipeline Masters!
If ESPN comes up with a new Tour I hope they drop the North Shore all together.
Chris Ward:
Questions. Do people ever mistake you for a young David Carradine? If so, do you ever picture yourself as an old David Carradine?
How do your knuckles feel after a long day’s work - backhanding beautiful swells? Can you describe the exhilaration of punching through the lip of a big set wave? At any rate, you have obviously tuned-up your repertoire of round-houses.
Michel Bourez:
How does it feel to be the first Tahitian surfer to log a total heat tally above ten points…
… WITHOUT getting barreled? (See Brasil) In case you were wondering, Poto does not count. God saw fit to fill poor ol’ Vetea’s joints with cement when he was born. Technically, this made him the world’s first buoyant boulder.
Dustin Barca:
Tough enough to kick Adriano’s arse. Tough enough to be one of the deputized mall cops at the ‘ground zero’ of Pop-Surf industry. Of course, he is tough enough to tote around a fanny-pack, filled with an entourage of trust-fund malcontents dubbed ‘The WolfPack.’ Furthermore, he’s tough enough to take one to the groin by a J-Bay ‘specialist.’ Should we have 16 J-Bay ‘specialists’ invited to next year’s contest? Only the annual beat-down of Pipe-Specialists by the supposed Top 44 will tell.
As for our dear CT warrior Dustin, he’ll most certainly be toughing it out on WQS next year. Good news though Dustine; there’ll be a couple Gudauskas Brother’s teatling’s for your fists to feast over.
(Yes, PeterPerfect… “teatling’s” is a word. Just go to Google and type in the words, ‘your mother.’)
Ace Buchan:
“Yo, Adrian!” Is there a Rocky-like comeback in the cards? Kelly called… he said, “No.” Then, to top it all off, Blasphemy Rottmouth called and said, “Learn to say, Welcome to Wal-Mart, have a nice day!”
Don’t worry though, you can tell your grandchildren about ‘that one time at Hossegor.”
Timmy Reyes:
If you were from Australia, we would call you Mick Fanning Light. Let’s face it, you’ll never be able to do the same things over and over quite like Mick does.
The good that humans do can never make up for the evil that humans do: we are a petty, violent, self-centered lot.
@Blasphemy: Wolfpack = trustfund? Didn’t you mean to write “drug-fund”?
@JimG Nope you got it all wrong. They make all that money selling T-shirts. Didn’t you hear?
This Tweet just made me barf a little… discuss.
surfline - Full Throttle on the catwalk, Volcom unveils upcoming swimwear line petal-to-the-metal style, View now:
The ASP should consider rearranging the WCT into something akin to NASCAR. Let the top ranked eight or so surfers battle for the title at the Triple Crown; it might keep things interesting down what otherwise has has become a very boring last stretch.
Or, since it’s becoming more obvious daily that professional competition is incompatible with surfing, let’s throw the whole idea of a tour out with the bathwater. Instead, the world champion would be determined by whose fiscal year end income statements (adjusted to include earnings from name-brand surf gear sales, sales of surf DVDs, and annual number of autographs signed) are largest.
What does the winner get, you might ask? I say, who cares. I hope I’m not alone in my belief that if pressured, 95% of the top 44 would say they’d be happy to never win a championship (or even an event) if it meant they could maintain their coveted spots among the so-called ‘elite’.
This saddens me, because as a sports fan I must admit that what makes a competition truly compelling is rivalry, determination, grit and vigor. Who wasn’t thrilled when the Giants beat the Patriots two years ago? Surfing needs Kelly vs. Andy again or something similar, because WCT surfers are entirely too willing to maintain their bro status with each other (and their sponsors) instead of actually competing with one another. Professional surfers today are simply pornstars, faking drama and excitement to lure me in when I could just as easily jack off in the lineup at Bowls.
Although that might not go over well
There is no surf in norcal (well except cowells which is a really good pointbreak). That Timmy sequence from surflie.com is in new zealand.
Lewis is like a Top 5 surfer. Does the strict minimum to win the heat in the early rounds. Lays the foundations, then starts to build house, and his momentum. Just takes it one heat at a time. Looks like we’re into Round 4 now. Things are starting to get exciting. Excellent wave scores are now mandatory to advance. Some surprise upsets go down. But, the best is yet to come!
@ lazer: Your Nascar-inspired idea is brilliant. Someone w/ some sort of connection: please send it to the ASP. 9 events as a playoff & then the TC to decide it.
It would make the battle for the top-eight or ten epic. Maybe seed the top-4 or so into higher rounds to avoid the “well then the regular season does not matter” complaints. All the competitors who make it should be seeded fairly far into the QS events to avoid a bad-luck result in 4-man heats.
& I agree on the lack of competitiveness once a guy wins a couple of the first events. (I posted on this in an earlier part of the rankings (or sometime).) 5 events are left. Someone else can still win.
Pretty brilliant as usual so far L.S. but did you accidentally slip in The Lost Brazilian Power Rankings with Barca’s ranking? Not a mention of his super tough J Bay draw.
Lewis,
What’s with all the Drew Courtney bashing? Are you upset that he is on the world tour and probably hasn’t worked a day in his life? Is it a jealousy thing? Are you upset that while he is travelling the world surfing you are stuck in your parents basement typing away at this mediocre blog?
@Sluggo,
Probably not. We’re just jealous of your ability to conjure up the ever-witty and original “parent’s basement” insult.
Drew Courtney is not synonymous with world class surfing. So, that being a fact, he’ll have plenty of days left to work a real job… probably training walruses to shit in buckets at the zoo, once this brief stint on the lower rungs of the tour is over.
No need to worry, everything will be okay for Drew.
NASCAR? doesn’t get any more exciting than watching guys drive cars in circle.
Slugo -
At least you’re not taking this mediocre blog seriously. Kudos for picking up the resentment, desperation and jealousy in Samuels text toward our sports elite! How dare he stir shit up and pick on someone who has toiled for sooooooooooooooooo long to make the cut and is finally doing well on the world stage!
Basement. Blog. Bolinas. Ring any bells? After surfing the web and the cams and after countless hours viewing bitchen surf videos on Surfline and then watching the Jeffreyʻs Bay of Porn for the 10th time, Iʻm wiped.
Canʻt wait for the August long rental on the Mesa @ Bolinas!!!! No computer, no digital - just pure freestyle logging -everyday…
The fabric of the old neighborhood is in tatters Rotten Blasphemy Rotter, canʻt you help me out?
You seem to speak from the four corners of your ass. Prove me wrong.
The beach is done. The fork stiff and erect even in this nag. Klinghofferfs, surfchicks with furry faces.
The pigs fucking the pigs for a piece of west coast surfpiesurprise. The greying popsicle provider. Asian chicks and dudes wearing PT changing robes. Endless groups of 5 and 6; marauding surfers trailing in from all points. West to the Avenues Ho!
!
August. Man. August.
Brilliant report. We’re getting into the more solid surfers on the rankings. Good fun.
Question: Why does T. Knox let the socio-retardo announcers, and whomever else (Lewis???), refer to him as “Captain America”. Isn’t it bad enough his CI model is now called “The Fort Knox”. It’s just un-American. I know for a fact that he doesn’t vote and hates war, Fox news and Sarah Palin.
Speaking of CI, I heard that Drew Courtney has applied to take over for Al. He said he could start as soon as he was off the tour, which is later this year. Unless there’s a remake of ‘Benjamin Button’ and Brad Pitt refuses the sequel, then Courtney is a shoe in for the role. No make up required.
@BR
We should have a contest for suggesting the best job for Drew Courtney when he gets his pink slip from the ASP.
Walrus Training Shit Bucket Troller is a good start.
How about Market Street Peep Show Squeegee Strainer?
What do I know? In 11th grade, when my high school career counselor asked what I wanted to do when I grew up, I looked him dead in the eye and told him “I’d like to be a high school career counselor.” Last I heard he committed suicide.
@ Lewis re: Sluggo
At least Sluggo called your blog mediocre. I have heard much, much worse when it comes to descriptions of Post Surf.
lanes: Tell me, is it hard always being the most insightful guy in the room?
Sluggo is obviously Drew Courtney or someone from his family. There is no actual Drew Courtney fanbase.
Ummmm…why the Jewish kitty cat for Wardo?
Ballz: Because Lewis likes to fuck with him.
I wonder if Jewish cats are subject to the same religious food restrictions. Is Fancy Feast kosher? I don’t know, but it sure looks delicious.
Job suggestions…
- My bathroom needs cleaning, how’s Buttons espanol?
- Become Rasta’s arch enemy as a Pro-whaling activist (leading to…)
- Hang with Central Coast buddy Mooney and start radical new animal fucking world tour? Nah that’s too obvious
- New front man for Inxs? That other one was an idiot
- Take up playing cricket? Australia took it up the ass last night. Looks like they may need an old head to stabilise the ship.
- ASP Pres? Also looking for an old head
- Become a mediator for the Jed Smith/Tim Baker ‘fued’
And while we’re on the topic, the notion that “all dogs go to heaven” is just absurd. To being with, if you buy into the notion that there is a heaven for dogs, logic dictates that there must likewise be a doggie hell. Indeed, I’m quite confident that many a cannine is buring in hell as we speak. I wonder where the Gudauskas are headed?
Err…To begin with,
Drew C. could be in charge of shaving the head of Midnight Oil’s front man each day and gluing the scraps on Martin Potter’s forearms.
Drew C. could also be a mediator for JOB and Ryan Glen
Not to throw a wrench into the Drew Courtney anal-reaming, but how can it possibly be satisfying for the rest of you twerps once Mr. Samuels has pulled out?
To wit: Your insipid gang-banging is starting to resemble a pin cushion. Leave the true stretching to those as uniquely endowed as myself.
There we go Nug! D.C. will become a pin cusion post W.T. Thank you lazer. Pffft to those who doubted you could contribute constructivley. Plus you’re hung! Everyones a winner!
@ The Nug
“Drew C. could be in charge of shaving the head of Midnight Oil’s front man each day and gluing the scraps on Martin Potter’s forearms.”
LOL Brilliant!
Ballz - Mark would tell you, were he still here, that Heaven is reserved for people only. No doggies either up or down, just in the ground.
Those no souled dog mongrels
Been too busy to comment Stu. Packin my bags for the tried and true North Shore evacuation program. Off to a place where the trout are bigger than the chickens my dog Eddie is chasing around my yard right now.
Hope you continue to enjoy sitting around your desk arguing about surfing and politics with anonymous ghosts on the internet. This ole boy is OUTTA HERE my friend. Post Surf was just a blip on my radar screen and since the power gets turned off soon I think it is fitting to put that blip to sleep.
Aloha means goodbye Stu. Maybe our paths will cross again some day.
P.S. Remember 7-14-2009.
@ Lazer
do we get the surfing equivalent of nascar-dads too?
If I could read just one more comment from Mark about 7-14-2009 I would quit drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon for a month.
P.S. The King is dead. Long live the King!
job bluth rules
@ SmyrnaJeff
Is it true Mark was lured to the NorthWest by an uber-conservative online fishing website to post daily blogs about Americana? Thats the inside track courtesy of the North Narrabeen rumor mill.
Or did Marks biting, painfully truthful jabs at the American Left Wing Media controlled machine finally get him ousted by Jack Johnson and all his green pals out in the Country?
I guess it doesn’t really matter why. Bottom line is Post Surf has lost an icon, a trailblazer who struggled through the early weeks and hammered out a rep as not only a great commenter but also a great surfer, husband, father and dog owner. God bless you Mark and all that you have commented on.
@ lazer
“I must admit that what makes a competition truly compelling is rivalry, determination, grit and vigor.”
you sound like a hedging and dodging genteel englishman circa the mid 50s. “i must admit…i rather think…not to bore you, but…i really must confess…”
‘rivalry’ makes for good competition? are you sure? fuck dude, we can’t say that you didn’t think this shit through.
What do you call the tuna smelling substance leaking from betwixt Mark’s mother’s nethers after a rambunctious self-rooting session?
Answer: Bad Vibrator Slob
@Bad Vibrator Slob,
Correction. I speak from all five corners of each of my thirteen assholes. They’re shaped like pentagrams, smell like bacon lard, and go by the collective name of ‘Constantine.’
In case you were wondering, I’m still here. Ready to burn the ASP down in a great flaming pyre. Just waiting on Mr. Slater’s instructions. We’ll burn her down I tell you. BURRRRRRNNNNNNN!!
You are correct Mr. Samuels to observe that GT’s interviewing methodology is based principally on ventriliquoy. If the interviewee goes along with the horse shite de jour, then everything goes smoothly. No actual information is passed along, and everything proceeds swimmingly. It’s when the interviewee looks at him dumbfoundedly or rejects the premise of his question outright that things go awry. The resulting awkward silence is bad enough. What makes it insufferable, yet keeps me wanting, is the fact that the next thing out of his mouth will almost assuredly make things even more uncomfortable. “GT here with Tom Curren. . . .” Delicious.
Alas, I have said too much. Let’s give the poor lad a break. As you may recall, during his interview with me, I took him for a common douche bag, a term we villagers have used through the ages. For chrissakes, the lad was dressed as a sailor AND an aviator.
However, upon seeing GT in South Africa, I can’t help but take pity on the poor bloke. These hard times have spared no one. To see the head of Von Zipper reduced to tatters was almost too much to bear. Nothing but a worn wollen coat and scarf to keep the morning chill at bay. And for the love of Pete, not even enough shillings to buy proper mittens? Unless we are to believe this is the incarnation of Zoolander’s derelict, I believe the man needs help.
I would like to extend my pitchfork of love to GT. I have a feeling he’ll gladly take it.
lanes: My friend, if in truth you find my speech offensive, I will henceforth discontinue my admittedly archaic vernacular and address you in terms you find more comforting. Which would you prefer?
“dude, fuckin shit, LS KILLIN it today. fuck dude, fuckin shit. fuckin shit.”
Or perhaps:
“Ah reely dawnt wanna havta reed all this beeg wurds und sheeeit. Whurs my dik-ton-aery Loretta? Goddamit woman, I thought i dun told yew to keep it handy! FUCKEN SHIT!”
I await you preference with bated breath.
And if he doesn’t take it, I’ll shove it up his arse instead!
Good post! Couple of good laughs!
The comments are better than average today.
BR=lewis brother?
I heard August was Wardo’s court date for beating the shit out of those chicks with an ice chunk. What other QS loser are we going to see lose first heat if he is found guilty. I think they should junk the QS and each sponsor should be able to buy their slot on the tour. That way if Wardo goes to ail …lost will send Mason Ho or Gorkin in his place or anybody more freaking entertaining then the QS “competitors”
@ lazer
oh lazer, i don’t think there’s anything ‘archaic’ with your refined, upper-crust musings on life and surfboard riding. your pseudo-edwardian speech is a joy for us all. i can only hope that when coscto sells out of soft-tops that you’re so kind to the salespeople
Is it ok for a Jewish person to say cracker? I take much more offense to this than I did to the Chinamen fiasco. Drew Coutney might have a future as a stunt double in the upcoming John McCain biopic.
I note an air of antipathy towards the balding guy on here. A reference to Freddie P’s receeding hairline, jabs at D. Courtney. Let me just remind you follicly gifted arseholes that perhaps the 2 most influential individuals pertaining to this website were/are as bald as a cue ball. Exhibit A–Hunter S. Thompson. If this isn’t some bastardized offshoot of gonzo journalism, I don’t know what it is. The man was Telly Savalas bald by 30. Exhibit B–R. Kelly Slater. Presumably the man is naturally bald, though we really didn’t get to observe the progression since he opted for the shave it to the scalp early on. Nevertheless, unquestionably the most dominant competitive surfer of all time and arguably the best surfer on earth for the last 20 years.
So to all of you hairy neanderthals, just remember, those of us with less hair get more head.
Haha. You’re bald.
A full head of hair is a very feminine trait…
Sunny Garcia is at 141 on the QS.
Go Sunny !
how high does he have to score in the Triple Crown to get back in the CT ?
Angry Bald Guy: I though I told you to never mention Hunter S. Thompson. Also, as I’ve explicated before, Kelly Slater’s apparent baldness has less to do with alopecia and more to do with a deal he struck with the Prince of Darkness the year he won his first title. In exchange for World Titles, Beelzebub demanded Kelly go bald and he accepted. As a corollary, however, the Devil stated that the hair must instead grow from Rob Machado’s anus. Kelly, after thinking awhile, agreed and the rest is history.
I think it’s safe to assume this impacted their friendship.
lanes: Predictably, you’ve reverted to the good ole “you can’t surf” routine. Disappointing, but ultimately unsurprising. Now shuffle off to the TransWorld message boards, where I’m sure you have been missed dearly.
I must have forgotten about your precious little rule about who can and can’t be mentioned. HUNTER S. THOMPSON
HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON
HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON LAZER HUNTER S. THOMPSON IS HUNTER S. GAY THOMPSON HUNTER AND S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. IRONICAALY THOMPSON HUNTER S. GOING THOMPSON HUNTER S. BALD THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON
HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON FUCK HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON YOU HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. LAZER THOMPSON
HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON HUNTER S. THOMPSON
Did I mention I’m angry? Touche, Stu.
Chill out Angry Bald Guy. The traveling medicine man is due in the village shortly with his wagon full of elixirs and tonics guaranteed to give you a full head of hair. He’s due to help me with the burning sensation when I piss.
@ lazer
transworld? aren’t you the same guy who mentioned dane cook a post or two ago? just curious here, but could you make your spontaneous reactions for insults a touch more prosaic? you could have at the bare minimum started with references to coca-cola or madonna before the transworld jab. throw me a bone, dipshit!
@ lazer
p.s. you’re starting to sound like a 75 year old telling kids to ‘get out of his apple tree’.
Brad Pitt is a consumate actor and a devoted father. It’s great to see such high profile people give back to the world by giving children that would otherwise have a less priveleged life.