J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 16-20

Posted by lewis on July 21, 2009 at 12:59 pm.

ottz

Kai Otton

What a nut-up by Kai Otton. This hairy Howard Hughes of a recluse pulled his Spruce Goose out of a season-long tailspin and soared all the way to the semis at J-Bay.  Against Parko, he kept believin’ even when Parko opened up with an arguable 10 – Kai answered back with his own arguable 9.8.  Here’s the thing that makes this all so amazing:  Backside, Otton is simply not at the same level as his peers, and he knows it.  I know it.  We all know it.  Last year, I remarked that Ottz looked like “a man stuck in a lawn chair” when he pumped down the line at J-Bay.  This comment had unintended repercussions. (Yes, this is the part where I name-drop, if only to prove name-dropping does not make the Power Rankings more entertaining).  Dayyan Neve told me later that Ottz was so shattered by the slight that he avoided going right at Trestles and Hossegor.  Slater weighed in at some point with the opinion that I was right, and that it was about time someone told Kai, so that he could correct that lawnchair backside stance.  Later, Taj’s trainer nearly clocked me in Mundaka, citing the lawnchair comment as one of the many reasons.

My point is this: Ottz showed up at J-Bay and took it to all comers, despite his shortcomings.  He won off placement and pits.  He took down Fred, CJ, Dingo and nearly, Parko.  Did other beards surf better?  Yes.  But it was Kai-motherfucking-Otton in the semis at the end of the day, and no one can take that away from him.  This is a competitive surfer.

dingo

Dean Morrison

Another bearded clam, and another season turned around.  Dingo hasn’t looked particularly good all year, but at J-Bay he worked the kinks out slowly but surely.  Morrison edged Lipke in R1, barely edged Flores by .5 in R2, and then opened up against Curran in R3 once the waves got good.  Dean’s a surfer’s surfer, in the end - he stays in the water longer than he needs to, loses interest in crap slop, and then burns bright and jives to life in solid pits.  Two ridiculous kegs on one wave cleared him a path to the quarters, with a 9.63 and 8.00 to back it up.  It harkened back to other legendary Dingo pit efforts: vs. AI in Tahiti, vs. Slater in Chile...  Nice to see some irony bleeding in, as well: Dingo is one of the most notorious snakes on tour.  On his best wave of the event, a non-competitor burned him way down the line and Morrison called him off before pulling into yet another pit.  In the end, something always goes wrong for Dingo, and it did yet again against Otton, as a second score never.  At this rate, Dingo may pull a Taylor Knox – loitering on tour for another decade without ever winning a second event.

flores

Jeremy Flores

So, I hate to break it to all the Frenchies reading PostSurf, but I’m getting the distinct impression that Jeremy Flores is not the next Kelly Slater.  One sign: Flores has steadily dropped in the ratings since joining the tour – he finished 8th his rookie year, 10th last year, and is currently mired at 16th, with not one memorable performance to his credit.  His 9th in Brazil was a relative dissapoint compared to his runner-up finish last year.  At J-bay, Flores squared off but didn't find the pits that Dingo found.  The big question now is whether his career will mirror that of Haley Joel Osment or Macaulay Culkin.  Like many child stars, Flores is finding that his appeal is tied up with the cute quotient, which is rapidly eroding with age.  Little Jeremy is STILL the youngest surfer on tour – for the third year running.  (That should tell you how talented he is, no matter what I proceed to write here.)  Jordy Smith is the only other WT surfer  born in 1988 – but with the opposite physique, Jordy is likely to pull an Of Mice and Men and accidently pet both Jeremy and Miky Picon to death, because they’re so soft and adorable.  Perhaps sensing this, Flores has been training hard to add bulk to his slight frame.  Sadly, there is only so much one can do – at best Flores will end up a muscled miniature freak, a French Danny Bonaduce, instead of a pudgy Corey Feldman.

fred

Freddy Patacchia

I feel for Freddy Patacchia.  This poor landing-strip lipped lothario started off the season en fuego, with a 9th and 3rd… but ever since the launch of Insurfnews.com, his results have been plummeting.  Makes sense to me.  Generating daily online surf content is the most soul-draining, mind-numbing task one can toil through in life.  Each day, your deadline is today.  Each day, no matter what you produce, your effort is met with an instant and deranged deluge of criticism.  Doing it as work is questionable; doing it as a hobby is masochistic.  It’s an incubator for self destruction – perhaps that’s why Freddy P pulled the ol’ whitewater spin around on Kai Otton in R1 at J-Bay, snaking Kai to the inside and boogieboarding him off a wave Kai had already stood up on.  In another era, before surfers high-fived during heats, this type of cutthroat hassling was considered the badge of a dominant competitor.  But no longer – only Kelly pulls this shit anymore.  No one else is particularly interested in winning.  To Fred’s discredit, his shameful deceit did not deliver victory.  Karma offered Ottz an 8.5 barrel under Fred’s priority, and Ottz made the semis.  Let this be a lesson to you kiddes:  Hawaiians are not locals everywhere they go, and too much blogging always ends in tears.

kekoa

Kekoa Bacalso

Speaking of great ambassadors for Hawaii: has anyone else noticed that Kekoa Bacalso has the stable, hulking frame of a young James Brown?  Part three of my “Great Americans Who Drink at Work:” James Brown/Kekoa Bacalso.  We’ve already reviewed the excellent work of Alex Trebek and Diane Sawyer.  What? Fuck! Alex Trebek is Canadian.  By the beard of Zeus!  I’ll put myself on that list instead.  I may not be great but I’m certainly drunk… Where was I?  I love you guys!  I really do love you.  Surfblogging is the best goddamn job a drunk can have.  Someday, this will all be worth it.  Jihad will teach my baby the ABC’s of bartending, and the little bugger will fix me drinks.  What? WHAT?  Kookoa who?  Oh write.  Kekoa – that custard-tummy’d macaroon is for REAL!  He looks like the lovechild of Aretha Franklin and a wild boar.  GT calls him Thunder Thighs, and he’s gonna win Rookie of the Year.  Did I mention that James Brown was arrested for attacking his wife with a lead pipe and then shooting at her car? When asked about it in that video he responds by singing to the female interviewer “It’s a man’s world!”  Legendary.  There’s a lesson in here somewhere.

91 Comments

  • Yeah, Bitch!! says:

    First!! You heathen nugget-fondling she-male hookers!!

  • Meatwad says:

    wow yeah bitch finally pulled a first comment good job.

  • Ballz says:

    Three inspired posts in a row. Impressive. You are wrong–the name dropping works. We do want to hear about your interaction with guys on the WCT and their hormonal trainers. Most of us will never have such access. It doesn’t come off as ostentatious, at least in this venue.

  • mark cole says:

    sunny garcia fvcking sucks

  • pablo says:

    IT IS I RAMBO ESTRADA WHO WILL SOON RULE THE EARTH!

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Heat 8 of Round 4 (old format), and Lewis is posting high 7’s and low 8’s. Can’t wait to see what he holding onto for the Quarters through to the Final. You’re on a roll Lewis! Just save the rodeo clown for the final!

  • Mailman, your underscoring him hard on the Kai Ottz Ranking, that was a 9.8 all day. And the Dingo P.W. was a high 8 for sho. Your killing it L.S. The waiting is def worth it. mahalo.

  • I was in a hurry sneaking a quick Heinekin at work while commenting but I had to add that Howard Hughes Time cover shot is fucking gnarly bra. Did he really get that raw?

  • R.I.P.per says:

    Yawn. Can’t wait to read the Postsurf obituary.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Mark Cole, care to elaborate on that comment?!? Left field, what?!? Sunny isn’t in the Top 45 anymore, and wasn’t mentioned in this post (although Lewis did speak of Hawaiian ambassadors)! You just feeling the need to vent or what?

    PS: Speaking of Sunny Garcia fans, do any of you SF guys know a dude named “Slayer”? Apparently an OB local, who sends messages to the web commentators going OFF on Sunny. One time I managed to grab Sunny to come in for a “chat”. It made for a classic half hour of comedy last year during the Santa Pro on Lanzarote!
    Anyhow if you know him say hi for me, and tell him Sunny is still up for the Surf ‘n’ Boxing Challenge whenever he wants!

  • Shreddy Roosevelt says:

    I like the close-up photo of the bottom turn high five. Might not have any relevance, but entertaining.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Richfingzzbch, an excellent posting on Mr. Otton. No doubt. But we must leave room in the scale in case the swell starts pumping out spitting barrels or Lewis performs the literary equivalent of Jordy’s rodeo flip while dissecting the Top 5…

  • Shreddy Roosevelt says:

    scratch that last comment. What do the two mud wrestling girls have to do with Dean Morrison? Inside joke?

  • Surfing Terrorist says:

    Fuck the pussy frogs, no French douche will ever be the next Kelly Slater. Shit, no Frenchy will ever be the next anything. Flores is an average surfer at best (relative to the rest on tour).

  • Surfing Terrorist says:

    Oh, and Freddy P’s site sucks a major sausage. And his Dingo wannabee sidekick who does all the work for the site is a no-talent hack.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Ottz: I dig the hair and beard. The poor man’s Machado.

    Dingo: (For Shreddy Roosevelt) He didn’t look good in the first few contests… looking more like Urethra Franklin. He looked much better at J-Bay… although mired in his own mud at the end, he still looked like two saphic mud-wrestlers for the most part. Like a sour piece of candy.

    J - Flow: Meh.

    Freddy P: I loved Freddy’s snake job… but mostly because that phrase parses together so well. Almost as good as Freddy’s landing strip. Or, Freddy ‘Dirty Sanchez’ Patacchia.

    K - Balls: Most definitely ‘The King of Chunk.’

  • mark cole says:

    nah i was just pissed the US Open wasn’t webcasted and then i saw the scores for his heat and it made me laugh cuz he always talks such a big game like hes gonna win the US Open. Case in point the press release “With 100K on the line, you can be sure that the veterans won’t go easy on the rookies. ‘I don’t care who I have to paddle over,’ 2000 world champ Sunny Garcia said. ‘I’m gonna do everything I can to win this contest.’”

    Couldn’t they have interviewed a more worthy candidate? I dunno Sunny has always come off to me as someone who talks a huge game but really has no chance of winning any contest aside from the Hawaiian ones.

  • Ocean Beach local says:

    @Mailman. The rumor is that “Slayer” from Ocean Beach is actually Lewis. Who else pulls all-nighters watching European WQS events? I’m sure Sunny and Barca would love to have a surf-box bout with LS.

  • Buttons says:

    Anyone catch my shot at Chopes? What?!? I’m back. Going to get a late wild card into the Hurley thing and smoke those kids.

    Cook ice not rice!!!

  • Buttons says:

    I meant cook rice not ice!!! weird slip up.

  • Ocean Beach local says:

    @Mailman. By the way, good job as a cunning-linguist on those WQS events. Who was the hot girl (portuguese?) on the booth last year? Any cunning-linguistic action?

  • zqk stock says:

    flores is not the next kelly slater even though he, his dad and his loved sponsor have thought that for years now. quiksilver put a lotta money on that gamble…they just did not pick up the good horse. he is more like a poney, so no worries he can have a shot at world champ again , but only on the wqs…
    you do not kill mouskitoes with canons,,,so he should quit the physical training and seriously think about his technique and repertoire…

  • lewis fan says:

    jeremy will end up like kalani robb: youngest surfer ever to make the tour, out at 28 without any progression or any real accomplishment

  • frrrrrenchi says:

    jeremy will win the world title you will see!!! watch the isa world games in costa rica little beach breaks, and he will show you he is a world champ! ahahah

  • ted says:

    I don’t find Mr. Bacalso’s surfing exactly enthralling, but I like that he’s got his own style, and he’s unapologetically old school. He’s not going to land any rodeo flips, but he’s still a breath of fresh in what is otherwise a cookie-cutter bunch of boring frat boys. If you took roughly two thirds of the top forty four and, say, put Nancy Reagan masks on their heads, then had them go surf heats, it would be almost impossible to tell them apart. Except the brazilians, of course — just look for the guys claiming their top turns — and a certain Basque waist-bender.

  • lazer® says:

    lewis fan: With one distinction; watching Kalani Robb surf doesn’t make me feel like I’ve taken too many Ambien.

  • Saving Kalani Robb says:

    @Lewis Fan.
    J. Flores will never be the next Kalani Robb. Shit…with those Angel Hair Pasta Arms the guy could never even carry the amount of weed Kalani travels with in that Playmate cooler, much less smoke it.

  • caligirl says:

    Speaking of Sunny, did he not try to kick in the door of the judges box once when he did not agree with their scoring. I say bring Sunny back to the CT and when it is flat or just bad surfing we have him to entertain us. They can put one camera just on Sunny the “Sunny Cam”. Or let’s bring him in as the “new” G.T. I think he would ask some very good direct questions, “what the fuck was up with that bra, you sucked out there?” and he could get away with it.
    BTW I enjoyed these P.R. But stop talking badly about T.Knox, please. He is not loitering, but even if he was, could you think of a better job to have for 16 years…I can’t.

  • lazer® says:

    Lewis Samuels: You are one of the few writers today who could manage to reference the Home Alone series, Steinbeck, and Danny Bonaduce all in the same paragraph. Truly magnificent

  • Grom says:

    @ OB Local, portugese girl was carla tome and boy can she talk, my dad says she’ll be anyone’s after a glass of jesus juice. she’s not a hottie but maybe after a few pints yourself she may look hotter

  • ted says:

    Jeremy Florez has a trainer? It’s too bad he is spending all those euros when all he really needs is a fairy godmother to turn him into a real boy.

  • lanes says:

    @ lazer

    doesn’t take much to impress you then, does it?

  • fasi says:

    lewis, I don’t think you are for real when you are complaining about life as blogger. You just like to complain partially for entertainment. The comments are mostly funny and you have plenty of support from us.
    You got your dog BR making some dimwitted copy of your comments. You got clones for christ sake.
    You used to complain just as much on surfline. That you got paid by the beer or something.
    I really hope you don’t have a drinking problem. Your references to drinking just make me kind of sad.

  • Grom says:

    jeremy trains with that jiu jitsu champ ricardo arona. it must be really queer to watch lil jeremy get manhandled by such a big dude & the positions they get into… yeah really ackward to watch

  • frrrrrenchi says:

    JEREMY DOESN ‘T CARE…
    IN HIS MOSKOVA UNDERWEAR…

  • trauzersnake says:

    Blasphemy Rottmouth trains with Joel Tudor. BR seems to always slip into the head scissors without much resistance, and then dosen’t tap out for a while…kind of odd.

  • bird slayer says:

    J Flores, J Bay has to be one of the top 5 all time power rankings posts
    Jordy petting them to death into Bonaduce
    With classic photos to match
    Blog masterpiece

  • Peo! says:

    Other beards - hah hah hah hah hah!

  • lazer® says:

    lanes: Still crushing on me from the other day I see. Careful now, or I may see fit to wrap trauzersnake’s skin flute ’round your neck like a fleshy scarf, then put on a copy of Rodgers & Hammerstein’s South Pacific and wait till you asphyxiate.

    PS: You remind me of a twerp named ‘yeah’ I skewered a few posts back. Shitty grammar, no worthwhile contribution to date, and a penchant for squealing like a virgin getting fucked by a tin foil condom. Do not continue.

  • Refreshed says:

    @fasi,
    People drinking all the time makes me sad too, there’s no need when drugs are so widely and cheaply available, seems such a waste, don’t you think? The P.rankingss are definitely improving with the sauce consumed but to finish it all off nicely, I vote Mr Samuels steps up his game and gets some Flea powder. On the downside in a few years time he’ll be another washed up bum, like the rest of us, blaming the industry for the choices he made but, oh wait, nevermind…
    PS If you’d ever surfed Reunion I doubt you’d think Flores a pussy.

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    Bravo, LS. Bravo. That was enjoyable reading.

  • fasi says:

    peterson rosa also was the youngest surfer on tour for many years, so I wouldn’t read much into that line.

  • BrodyStylez says:

    This was a swell round of comments. That ‘literary equivalent to Jordy’s rodeo flip’ was incredible, and ’squealing like a virgin getting fuck by a tinfoil condom’??? Two perfect tens! Simply incredible. I would hate to be the victim of Lazer’s scorn. I agree with the drinking nonsense, as a Muslim, I know that total avoidance is the only solution. I’d recommend DMT for a solid buzz, it feels just like getting a long tube ride.

  • ReB says:

    We appreciate the work … but where’s Power Rankings 11-15 ?

    I don’t mean to be a pain in the ass - it just happens naturally !!

  • ReB says:

    PS Take Vitamins and 3-6-9 oil. You’ll enjoy the Drugs More. :-)

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    Lol @ Fasi calling my comments dimwitted.

    I can barely read anything you write here. It’s a good thing I can skim read quicker than you can misspell a word. Although, you do fulfill Lewis’ comment, “Each day, no matter what you produce, your effort is met with an instant and deranged deluge of criticism.”

    There are those who produce, and there are those that snipe.

    Fasi, you fulfill your role nicely.

  • lazer® says:

    Blasphemy Rottmouth: Agreed. While many of you may not realize this, a rarefied few of us would actually like to discuss what good ol’ Saint Lewis writes, as well as comment on the general state of surfing as we see it.

    You naysayers are merely parasites clogging PostSurf’s lower intestine; I’m holding out hope for an emergency colonoscopy courtesy of Lewis that will remove your commentary like so much backed-up fecal matter.

  • lanes says:

    @ lazer

    your harsh language and scatological references are amusing. it must be fun to be able to say whatever you want on the internet. i’m proud of you. but unless you happen to be ron athey, orlan, or franko b, i’m guessing you’re just fantasizing in a vain attempt to obscure what is likely a routine, middle-class existence. i mean, _maybe_ your wife lets you hit from the back once a month to be ‘nasty’ but let’s face it, that’s about all you’ve got going for you at this point. it’s pretty clear you need this alternate reality. you’re ‘lazer’. you regulate the interwebs! have fun, just don’t forget to pick the kids up after soccer practice.

  • Shreddy Roosevelt says:

    Today’s comments are amazing. Someone threw out the term “Flea powder”? Hilarious!

  • Meatwad says:

    Lazer,not to nit pick but what you are looking for would be an emergency enema much better suited to remove the backed up fecal matter, and I concur there is a lot of it as of late.

  • Meatwad says:

    that is unless you were referring to said commenter’s as polyps

  • lazer® says:

    lanes: You sound remarkably like a drunk scorned girlfriend disparaging her sugar daddy while desperately clinging on to the gravy train, knowing full well that once he’s gone you’ll be back on the corner giving $2 blowies and collecting the semen in hopes of impregnating yourself with some Joe’s offspring and collecting child support.

    What on god’s green earth possessed you to write that pitiful ad hominem? You should count yourself lucky I’ve deigned to answer your miserable rants in lucid prose, yet even after I give you a chance to redeem yourself and contribute to the conversation you come back with half-witted remarks having nothing to do with surfing, surfers, or even acceptable diction.

    Would it make you feel better if I told you I’m a 23 year old unemployed blacksmith resting my weary bones after three straight weeks of South Shore perfection? Or that my mail-order Slovenian princess, her two gorgeous handmaidens and I produce such exquisite nighttime recreations of the Battle of the Bulge that my neighbors are suing for mental distress?

    Let’s let the masses decide, shall we?

  • lazer® says:

    Thank you Meatwad, I stand corrected.

  • The Masses says:

    Victory goes to Lazer. Game, set, match. He advances to the finals to face Blasphemy.

    Seems like Lanes cares too much for a newcomer. Might be someone Lazer already pissed off? Who did you bitch slap last week Lazer? Was it Yeah?

  • Fisher says:

    Nice job Sammy. Your penchant for a fine drop is working in our favour. Continue your stupor and everyone will be happy, especially those hard working skirts on that grueling tour, with your astute observations. We all know they sit in the closet with their mac book pro’s waiting to see what you’ve said about them this week, crying into their board bags and one day vowing to prove you wrong.

    One thing, while there may have been negatives about Ottz, I found it generally a nice spray for him and when he reads it I bet he has a smile, I know i did. I have a uber man crush on Ottz. Sooooo hot right now.

    Fuck, the drunker you are, the better you are! Splash on fine sir, splash on.

  • Fisher says:

    Kekoa and James; two fine example of real men. I just hope that Kekoa know how to treat his women… just like James. It’s the only way they learn kid. You gotta put em in their place. I always found a bag of oranges was good because it doesn’t leave bruises.

  • A Concerned Mother says:

    You are all horrible people!

    I can’t believe Mr. Fisher suggests that one should beat their wife with a bag of oranges, so as not to leave bruises. That is reprehensible.

    And that other man who suggested using tinfoil as a condom, that is a very irresponsible thing to say, I can tell you tinfoil breaks easily and gets stuck up there.

    I’m very concerned that you are giving impressionable groms who love surfing the wrong idea on this despicable website.

    Sincerely,

    A Concerned Mother

  • BrodyStylez says:

    Hold your tongue, mother, or those impressionable groms you defend may in turn attack you or your local beachbreak.

  • lanes says:

    @ lazer

    just when we thought you weren’t bat-shit crazy, you go and do this. again, it’s great that you can write your little stories with dirty words, but your run-on was less than joycean in its flair. it felt strained. i’d think about re-upping on those correspondence courses down at the local junior college. the odds that you’re 23? i was doubting it until you mentioned being impressed by three semi-disparate pop-culture references in a single paragraph. fuck, you just might 23 year old unemployed blacksmith.

  • lanes says:

    @ lazer

    constructive criticism? the power rankings inevitably end up cadencing on some variation of the given surfer being unable to ‘put it on rail’. snore.

  • Fisher says:

    Concerned Mother - whould you rather a stone fruit?

  • Ocean Beach local says:

    @Grom. Thanks, I’m booking my ticket to Europe and taking da booze for da Portuguese gal.

  • West Hollywood says:

    Riddle me this. How many professional surfers are there?

    Not just the top 44, but total in the world.

  • Blasphemy Rottmouth says:

    @The Masses,

    You see, I don’t look at commenting here as a contest to see who can slam another commentator the hardest. If I wanted to take part in a shouting match, I’d join the Fox and CNN Yahoo message boards. And there’s a damn good reason you don’t see my name on other surfing message boards or blogs. If it does pop up, rest assured you’ll be able to tell right away that it’s an imposter.

    I do, of course, feel a good smack-down is warranted on occasion. As of right now, I have nothing to argue with Lazer® about. Unlike most of the Spicoli-esque Philistines populating the surfing websites, he’s articulate and makes some funny and insightful commentary. This kinship, rather than disparity, may be why a few of us are drawn to this blog. Shouldn’t there be SOME camaraderie?

    On the other hand, those like Fasi are drawn here like a band of drooling retards dogpiling into a pool of verbiage… only to find they forgot their waterwings, and are getting that “oh shit!” feeling as they sink to the bottom.

    Be a producer, not a leach.

  • john says:

    Dingo surfed better when he was a grom.

  • trauzersnake says:

    @west hollywood:

    If you included all the d-listers, photo-sluts, and local hacks with stickers, I think you’d be looking at about 12,359, give or take.

  • ramboestrada says:

    Pablo. WTF? You are Rambo Estrada!? I’m confused? Why would you want to be me? I can’t even be bothered being me most days?

  • Dave Mailman says:

    OB Local, I don’t know if LS can be Slayer. 1. Slayer was commenting on-line in Bali while Lewis was at the internetless pool bar drinking beers with good portion of the Top 45. (They actually love him, and miss his presence on tour.) 2. Slayer has been on-line at 3 am Cali time watching women’s pro jr. events in France. Something tells me even LS isn’t that desparate (But maybe BR is. Hmmm. Interesting.) 3. Slayer just keeps bagging on Sunny about being a convict and a thug. If he was LS (or BR for that matter) I think he would come up with more creative insults.

    P.S. RE: Carla Tome. No, haven’t been there or done that! I have a fiance and child at home, and I’m a bit too old for her anyway. But, don’t book your flight to Portugal just yet. Grom is only repeating rumors. Hearsay. And you know what they say about people who hear things and assume they are true… She’s a good girl… who does like to talk a lot! That I can vouch for!

  • Dr. PacNW says:

    Where to begin? Let’s party. I’m buying. Me and the boys (not to mention D.Sawyer’s boots) have many issues which we will need to be philosophizing over in the coming days. First and foremost, for those of you who can’t read - I have graduated - so, let me just take this chance to thank you all for providing the motivation needed to make something better of myself.

    Back in the real world, Mark is threatening to be out in the water with me tomorrow. Aloha, but I doubt it. You won’t find me up here unless you know where to look. I hope he scores some waves on his trip though, and I’m sure he’ll see some beautiful country full of other schizophrenic rednecks chasing big trees, big fish and big women (in that order).

    As far a the P.R. ratings go, I’m with Mailman and am leaving some room for improvement in my judgment. Maybe Lewis and Parko share something; they make the difficult look so easy. Not sure what Lewis can take from that, but I’m guessing (in the educated sense) that this year will be a breakthrough for them both.

    If not, please refer to Becalso who is obviously deserving a top 15 and still having more fun than any of us. Nothing against Parko (or postsurf), but that kid is the best thing that has happened to the ASP since Kelly Slater’s new tour.

  • Tom says:

    Doesn’t anybody find it messy when surfers end up in the foamball everytime they do a f-ing cutback? Funny enough this kinda of surfing is regarded acceptable and is constantly described as having “good flow” am I alone on this?

  • Grom says:

    Mr. Mailman, Kelly sets many examples like it is okay to have a girlfriend 6yrs older than your daughter. they’re both so happy kellaani, look at the smile on her face playing around with her own life sized Ken doll.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Grom, I don’t understand why that comment (which is rather valid) was directed at me. I haven’t mentioned K9 in any of my comments today, and in general I don’t defend his actions or put him up on a pedestal in any way. “Best” surfer in the world? Begrudgingly, yes. Respect his accomplishments as a pro surfer? Yes, with a few exceptions for use of questionable surfing ethics to win heats (think Beschen at HB). “Best” lifestyle role model for the groms of the world? Highly debatable.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    This is the best article I’ve read about the Twin Tours scandal currently enveloping pro surfing. Definitely worth a read.

    http://digitalsurfmedia.com/2009/07/two-tours-needs-not-collide/

  • Dave Mailman says:

    The first two paragraphs of the article link in my previous comment:

    Explosive, yet maybe not that unsurprising news hit this week that a renegade-super-fantasy-surfing-tour was being formed between a loose consortium including Kelly Slater and his management, private equity firms and the media powerhouse, ESPN. Whilst the surfing media have all been treading carefully with how they report the matter, mostly because details are still unclear, comments circulating online by various unidentified characters within the darker pockets of the industry have been scathing, to say the least.

    The most constructive piece I’ve read on the matter, and one of the few to go beyond just copying what they read from the Noosa Journal whom broke the story, is by long time surf journo Point Grinder aka Chris Mauro at Grind.tv. Read it here. Addressing the heart of the problem, the fact that the ASP doesn’t own their greatest asset, ownership of the media rights, and the need for a unified common platform in which we watch surfing. Most of the comments I’ve seen on various websites have all made reference to the potential internal implosion of the ASP and core surfing, the online assassination of Kelly Slater and every piece of mud slinging possible inbetween. Call me naive, uninformed, or maybe I’m on to something here, but I for one, think the 2 tours can live side by side, as long as they have their unique differences. Here’s my 5 cents:

  • Angry Bald Guy says:

    Lazer and Lanes, do you realize that no one gives a fuck about your little skirmish? Quit fighting like bitches. No one cares.

  • Ballz says:

    Does anyone know the story of Sunny G getting his ass kicked on the side of I-5 in San Diego? The tough guy act only works when you’re bigger than the other guy. Good to have caligirl back in the mix, though I am dubious of whether she is in fact a “girl”. More likely than not, she’s a 300 pound man with hair on his back who works at a bowling lane in Arkansas alongside SymnraJeff. It’s their little inside joke.

  • john says:

    @Tom :
    Ending up on foamball : Turn.
    Not ending up on foamball : Half-turn

  • @ Dave Mailman:

    I’m Slayer, bitch. Gotta problem?

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Slaytanic Steve, question to see if you are the real deal. How do you sign in when you send me messages on the webcasts? Something tells me you Mr. Izzo are not the one I’m looking for. Sounds like you might want to meet Blasphemy Rottmouth though. You might have some things in common…

  • @lanes

    Give it up. it’s obvious you’re illiterate. You’re comments are a waste of disc space.

    lazer powns you, and everyone knows it so change your name and moveon.org

  • zac varf says:

    damnit lewis!!!

    theres no consistency to these posts…

    its not like u can say…oh…its such n such a time…i ll check the next post…

    or lewis just posted todays piece…must be xx:xx o clock…

    the only reliable way to do it is to read tham at 3 in the morning after going out..

    which is fun coz u can read them again the next day as if it was the first time

  • God says:

    Haha, MakuaGai, in bashing an illiterate, said “you’re comments…”. Dummy.

  • lanes says:

    @MakuaGai

    couldn’t even pull off a comment about illiteracy without fucking it up, could you?

  • God says:

    If this were jiu jitsu class, MakuaGai would lose his purple belt.

  • Sceptical says:

    who had ever dreamt Flores would be next Robert K? cmon, not in this life. the guy lacks not only power, but he is even unable to make carves in one single turn. it always take him at least 3 to complete a cut back.

  • MCLite says:

    THE SLAY IS IN THE BUILDING

  • @God

    There are no belts in MMA bitch and that’s what’s up. You wanna fuck with me then I’ll get my boy BJ Blow Job Penn to sit on your face!

    @lanes

    You’re in the slow lane fool and like “your” name you are LAME!

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