Jordy Smith
Jordy Smith has an image problem. He’s a winner, but he’s not a likeable winner. Worse yet, he’s not even winning. But if he were to win a title, or even an event, he’d be the least likeable champion since Andy Irons. Confidence is necessary; but Jordy’s arrogance is icing on the cake. I love it. I wish he’d stop trying to feign modesty and simply turn the egotism up to 11. Right now he’s like Shooter McGavin in Happy Gilmore - a bit too much vinegar in his douche mix. He brags about doing anal with cougars and . He’d be better off channeling Will Ferrell’s Chazz Michael Michaels from Blades of Glory. Jordy should present himself as testosterone-laden sex on a surfboard. After he lost to Barca in Brazil, he should have walked straight up to the hottest girl who wanted his autograph, quickly and vigorously masturbated in his hand, and then smeared it on her bikini-clad chest. Then declared “You’ve been signed by Jordy Smith! BOOYAH!” He could have proceeded to anally rape that weird old guy who dances around in the Spiderman costume… just to put an exclamation mark on the morning. Alas, he did not. Opportunity lost.
At J-Bay, Jordy was improbably paired with Dane Reynolds in his first heat. Jordy met Dane last year at Chopes and came up short, blasting turns and airs with a hint of desperation while Dane casually slotted the victory. Pretty much the same story at J-Bay. Jordy opened up with an erect 8.5, off a keg and a 6-pack of porn-star carves . But at the end of his wave, he played it humble - instead of masturbating in his hand and flinging it towards GT, he kicked out. Opportunity lost.
Taylor Knox
One of the few interesting interviewees of the whole B-Bong media fuckfest was Taylor Knox. At one point, when asked about J-Bay, Taylor responded in a justifiably smug manner, with something along the lines of “I love it – J-Bay exposes surfers’ weaknesses.” The inference, of course, was that on a fundamental level, Taylor believes his surfing is rock solid, while some of his peers have developed their careers on shaky ground. Taylor is right. He approaches J-Bay’s begging sections with the same arrogance of an A-list celebrity being interviewed on – each hack is a chance to give back – to teach other aspiring power surfers how it’s done. Yes, Taylor did contribute to the possible death of the ASP by beating old friend K.Slater in R3. Many devastated fans will attribute Slater’s loss purely to a lull – but Taylor did put the pressure on with an 8.0 opener. I doubt Knox would ever admit it, but it must have felt good to down Kelly after losing to him so many times - for instance, in that legendary clash at Lowers in ‘07.
Tom Whitaker
Whits is in a heated title race of a different variety this season – he’s competing with Kieren Perrow to reclaim the title of Premier Australian Journeyman. This blue-collar title race has an illustrious past – to qualify, you must never win an event. Luke Stedman won last year, as Ace and Bede graduated to the big leagues via victories. In ’07 Kai Otton beat out Whits by one spot. ’06 Whits won with an 8th place finish. ’05 the title went to Macca with a 5th in the ratings. In ’04 it was Nathan Hedge at 7th, and in ’03 it was Kieren with a 6th. It’s like a secret society of mediocrity, more powerful than the Stonemasons or Druids. They are led by Peter Townend, who set the standard for irrelevant yet ludicrously successful Australian Journeymen by actually winning the world title and Journeyman title in the same year – 1976 – when he captured the first world crown without winning an event. In ’09, Whits has made his push towards the podium in textbook fashion – three 9ths, a 5th, and a 17th . At J-Bay, Tommy lost to potential future-journeyman champ Ben Dunn in a wave-starved affair, and now Perrow is closing in on the lead. With the world title already decided, this is the race to watch.
Michael Campbell
If you weren’t a true student of the sport, you could easily be fooled into thinking that The Ginga Ninja is another illustrious winner of the Journeyman World Title. Not so – Mick has won multiple events in his distinguished career, elevating him above official journeyman status. His most recent win was the Bluetorch Pro at Huntington in 2000. Remember Bluetorch? Ah, the halcyon days of the Dotcom surf boom. That laughable era may have passed, but Mick Campbell has not. The Ginga Ninja is like a pint-sized, albino Dennis Rodman. Think about how slow best-mate Danny Wills looked in his last season, and marvel at the tattooed attack speed of Mick Campbell as he dives for proverbial loose balls. This twisted little bleached gibbon literally punches lips. He makes them cry. Placement is an art. It’s terrifying to consider what a surfer like Jordy Smith would do with the precision and torque of Mick Campbell. Yes, I know, Jordy sweats power and can do shocking things both above the lip and under the covers. But the snapping jab of a Ginga lip hit is nearly unrivaled. Two proud 9ths in a row for Mick Campbell, schooling higher-paid youngsters like Tim Reyes and Josh Kerr.
Kieren Perrow
Back to the journeyman leitmotif: Kieren Perrow has waged perhaps the least impressive truly impressive comeback in the history of the ASP. Fellow society-members Macca and Hedgey should hire Perrow as a motivational speaker. Perrow has solidly reestablished himself in the Top 16 without anyone even noticing. KP is perhaps one of the most difficult surfers in the Top 45 to write about. He defies serious criticism by almost always out-performing his ability, defies attacks on his manhood by charging death closeouts, and deflects attacks on his character by being a normal, humble, likeable guy. An Anti-Jordy. This tapioca fuckwit is like kryptonite to the Power Rankings. He’s everything except entertaining. At J-Bay, KP bounced back from a Brazilian beating by downing Kekoa and giving Parko a polite run for his money. KP never put up a wave-score over 7, but he looked damn solid doing it. He failed to find the long pits at Impossibles, but his turns up top looked, well, almost like a geriatric Parko. Dare I say it. He looked that good.
First! You swine-swilling scat-loving swashbucklers!
Yeah, Bitch! Do you live on this site or what?!?
Lewis you freaking own man! So hilarious! Keep up da good work dude!
In da meantime check out my TOP 5 BEST SURF FILMS OF ALL TIME:
Kudos, After classically calling out Kieren as “This tapioca fuckwit is like kryptonite to the Power Rankings.” You still managed to write something interesting and accurate about him. While it is great to read about the main players, this round of rankings was all about how to make things happen behind the scenes to stay on the tour. People are always proclaiming the larger than life up and comers, but they forget them just as fast. Guaranteed the Ginga Ninja Haunts the dreams of those flash in the pants, media made Cali/wonderboys.
Looks like we’re into the Quarters here and Lewis has started off the heat with a 10! Getting spit out of a sick pit like Dane Reynolds against Mr. Holmes and finishing it off with flairing carves and fins free hacks through to the inside. He’s backed that up with some high 8’s, dare I say 9’s.
“I doubt Knox would ever admit it, but it must have felt good to down Kelly after losing to him so many times - for instance, in that legendary clash at Lowers in ‘07.” Payback is a bitch. I’m sure TK had a shit eating grin on his face as soon as GT passed it back up to the guys in the tower. We know Caligirl was grinning like the Cheshire Cat!
It’s funny you should compare Andy Irons to Jordy Smith. To me, their styles are most indicative of the two respective eras they span; Andy from Old School power/full rail to New School, Jordy from New School to flying/twisting/squirrely air wizardry. Jordy Smith’s the new total package on tour for my money, even more so than Dane Reynolds and his tricks. Jordy’s powerful AND smooth, two things that Dane can’t quite seem to make happen simultaneously.
Also, is anyone besides me confused as to why Taj Burrow hasn’t won a Title? He’s basically a CJ Hobgood in reverse, and that Floridian fuckwit managed to squeak one out.
Fist off, claiming a first post is the same as you claiming you are gay.
@Lazer, Taj has not won a title because his style sucks.
Growler: I’d argue the opposite, especially after watching that Billabong flick Trilogy.
Besides, Slater’s won 9 of the damn things, and he surfs like a newborn giraffe on a balancing beam.
On a sidenote: How did the New York Times’ list of 1000 Best Movies include ‘The Cider House Rules’ and ‘Sex, Lies, and Videotape’ but completely neglect ‘Snakes on a Plane’?
@ Growler
Tenth you custard pouched fuckwit!
Claiming it, YEAH! I’m tenth!
And I’m gay!!! And PROUD!
Definitely a 10.
The comments are on the up and up as well.
Fuckery on you little fuckwits.
I love masterbation humor.
You see, dear friends, it is blog postings like this, that draws us to PostSurf.
I have read much in my days scouring the pages of print and online surf journalism. I’ve been around long enough to read the firsthand accounts of how Oliver Twist’s gun-running to aid Nicaragua landed him a pointbreak in Northern Costa Rica in his honor. I personally ghost-wrote for Captain Dane Cook when he first landed and plundered the booty of the native Hawaiians in 1778. I even saw the first fuzzy pictures of the great Chuck Noll, as he prepared to conquer the Bonzai Pipeline. So, believe me when I tell you this:
These Power Rankings are going to be stamped forever in the annals of literary lore. That is, unless Jordy reads the word ‘annals,’ and simultaneously frigs a hole in the space time continuum… thus, destroying everything as we know it.
Or maybe Kelly intentionally lost to Knox in order to make the ASP even more irrelevant so his new dream tour can gain momentum. AHHHH now theres an interesting thought!!!
I heard the new tour will award points based on criteria such as: number of STD’s that are not in remission, number of credit card double grab airs performed on one wave, and sperm count.
@ Lazor, Taj’s paid section in Trilogy was good, but he still has that giddie-up in his hitch.
“Pretty much the same story at J-Bay. Jordy opened up with an erect 8.5, off a keg and a 6-pack of porn-star carves . But at the end of his wave, he played it humble - instead of masturbating in his hand and flinging it towards GT, he kicked out. Opportunity lost.”
The literary equivalent to Jordy’s rodeo flip? Probably not, but I pissed myself when I first read it, and can’t get the image out of my head since. More or less disturbingly, it also reminds me a bit of the scene from the Silence of the Lambs. The part where Migs flicks his semen through the bars of his jail cell all over Clarice before choking himself to death on his own tongue at Dr. Lecter’s request…
I used to think Slater made old guys look good - correction, make that Knox.
Jordy: “Ouch. Postsurf just ripped me a new one. And in a manner that is almost as perverted as some of the cougar’s I’ve sodomized.”
Taylor: “That’s right. J-bay exposes surfers’ weaknesses.” And that of the ASP judging. God doesn’t make mistakes, hence sending head judge Perry to a family with the last name of “Hatchett”.
Tom Whits: “Anything…anything but being compared to that Bronzed Aussie Townend. I’m raising my game. I knew I fucked up when I let surf-nerd Ben Dunn beat me AGAIN! He’s jealous because I get the Dahlberg’s now, not him. But I have to remember to actually take off and ride waves in order to win.”
Mick: “That’s right. I’m back and I’m…well, I’m red!”
Kieren: “Thanks for noticing me. But I’ve got it made anyway. Property in Byron, set for life. If only there was a ‘CT event at huge Off The Wall. That’d motivate me. Well maybe.”
I wonder what Mark is doing right now.
Actually, Jordy strikes me as more of a Ron Burgundy type. A man that appreciates an “absolutely breath-taking heiney.”
Conversely, his surfing is like Sex Panther Cologne…”smells like gasoline…illegal in nine countries… made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good.”
I love Mick Campbell and that Lewis has him entrenched in the PR Top 15. I just wish he’d been bumped up a spot to Lucky Number 13. Although I agree K9, Parko, the other Mick and company would probably rather draw the Ginga Ninja than 2009’s leading entry for Journeyman of the Year. Kudo’s to LS as well for the boxing metaphor and reference to schooling youngsters. “This twisted little bleached gibbon literally punches lips. He makes them cry. Placement is an art. It’s terrifying to consider what a surfer like Jordy Smith would do with the precision and torque of Mick Campbell. Yes, I know, Jordy sweats power and can do shocking things both above the lip and under the covers. But the snapping jab of a Ginga lip hit is nearly unrivaled. Two proud 9ths in a row for Mick Campbell, schooling higher-paid youngsters like Tim Reyes and Josh Kerr.” As a true student of the sport Lewis knows that Mick became a semi-pro boxer during his time off Tour, and secured his re-qualification by schooling youngsters Josh Kerr and Jeremy Flores in the finals of his ‘QS victories at the 6* Lacanau Pro and Rip Curl Super Series in France.
what do you mean AI’s not likable ? there was that one moment when he won at Huntington or Lowers and got up on the stage and said, “i want every woman out there to know that i’m very single tonight”, but that was a long time ago and he was a rookie.
Lou, you deserve to be covered in poison oak, head to toe, every square inch, for that comment.
have you ever hung out with AI ? you’re a Stool and a Fool to be saying he’s not likable.
that’s where the pro’s earn there salaries, having to be put up with being discussed by mortals like us.
Well BR. I give credit where credit is due. Outstanding update LS. And BR, your comments deserve permanent placement on parchment, or at the very least, sheepskin condoms. If this were the Paleolithic Age I’d be pissing descriptive hieroglyphics of your rants on cave walls….smiling
And I mean that in the best possible way.
‘twisted little bleached gibbon’ is inspired
@ReB,
Hells yes! I love A.I. too.
(slinks back into retirement)
ReB, I am a BIG AI fan, but when he was Champ and before that when he was on the ‘QS he could be a massive prick. More massive than trauzersnake’s third leg. Even Andy admits it. When you’re going for the Title you have to be in a certain mindset, and some of the niceties fall by the wayside. AI became “likable” once he’d won 3 of them and decided he could be happy with that.
Boy, the CT competitive field sure is composed of a bunch of boy scouts. Can’t blame them, they’re all concerned about preserving/building/maintaining their corp images and associated big bucks. Back in the 80’s some of the Aussies would scream, throw stuff, and spit the winkie at the judges. I think Wardo is our only hope in this department.
@ Surfing Terrorist
What am I doing right now? Well I haven’t even looked at P.S. for a couple days and admit that I am pretty impressed with the latest power rankings.
Also I got a chuckle out of the Lazer/Lanes Post War that is going down. This morning I surfed Ala Mo for a while then as I was leaving I heard a guy talking to his friend right next to a big truck and I thought to myself that maybe it was Lazer. Where did you surf today Lazer?
And another thing. It is funny how Lazer mentioned masturbating in the Ala Mo lineup the other day then Lewis starts on about Jordy chokin his chicken and smearing it on some chick in Brazil. I figure that either a) Lewis is Lazer or b) Lewis takes bits and pieces from the comments section and weaves them into his power rankings.
Anyway I am packin my bags. Destination unknown.
Haha! Look’s like A.I.’s Dealer has gone out of business. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out! Beat it, kook!
Dave Mailman’s right.
Who d’fuck wants to watch an orgy of man-lust on the tour? Break out the knives and let’s start seeing some blood for Laid’s sake. AI, Slater, Mick, Curren… you want to win, you gotta be a prick. In the largest sense of the word.
Leave the love to all the boat trips and McMansion parties when you’ve retired.
That’s why Freddy’s snake didn’t bother me… at least as long as I don’t have to touch that miniscule meatcicle.
“One of the few interesting interviewees of the whole B-Bong media fuckfest was Taylor Knox. At one point, when asked about J-Bay, Taylor responded in a justifiably smug manner, with something along the lines of “I love it – J-Bay exposes surfers’ weaknesses.”
this isn’t the first time that t-knox has said this. in slide 38 of the link below, t-knox says the same thing about lowers. i’m guessing it’s his stock comment about any quality wave.
I can’t get through all these comments at work, but in my opinion in retort to some other posts: Kelly Slater was underscored in the last event and still looks better than everyone. C’mon, that one wave was a 10 for sure…you all know the one. Taylor Knox deserved mad props as well, proving both “the old guys” are not only relevant, but better than most of the young guys on the tour, especially when it comes to surfing a long fast wave that requires power, finesse, and a bit of wave-ESP. Reynolds smoked Jordy as far as I was concerned–style, speed, and tricks. I realized watching J-Bay that Taj Burrow’s style is really not that great, as he appears to be thinking too much, pumping and holding his arms strangely for a surfer at his level. And Mick Campbell had probably the best backside attack and certainly would’ve smoked Kai Otton if they were against each other in a heat. That’s my take. Basically, I think I’m agreeing with Lewis’ assessment here, and some of you guys must be high as kites.
I’m wondering if the ASP realizes this new format effectively guarantees that the top 16 requalify, which in turn kills any sort of competitive juices that I, personally, enjoy seeing course through the veins (and shafts, foreskins, et al. since we’re doing the whole dick gag) of our planet’s finest. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see Bobby Martinez and one of the interchangeable Hobgoods going at macking Cloudbreak like it mattered? That’d be pay per view webcasting, in my opinion. But I ramble…
Mark: Surfed Kaisers again, but I think the swell’s gonna be better tomorrow. And since I drive a Prius that runs on ground up kittens and orphan’s tears, I doubt it was me you heard in the parking lot. As far as Lewis being/copying me; I can only offer my assurances that if I was in charge of this bitch, it’d more resemble the Kremlin than the modern day San Francisco mens-only 60s commune that is currently our dearest website. And I’d be Ivan the Great.
Just kidding Lewis
I am very concerned about how mean you all are.
There are children (or grown men with the intelligence of small children) who read this site and get very upset by the mean things you say.
For instance, Jimmicane of Surfing Magazine had this to say about PostSurf Commenters in recent interview:
“I’ll visit others like postsurf.com but I only read what Lewis writes, not the comments. I tried it out a bit. Those people who live in the comment section of that site are a joke. I can’t imagine a more worthless breed of human. They all hate life.”
You have hurt Jimmy’s feelings. Please be nice!
Hahahaha. I love they fact that people listen to a guy that calls himself Jimmicane. I also love the fact that some guy who calls himself Jimmicane thinks other people are a joke. Hahaha. Oh man, that is too rich for my blood.
On a different note, will everybody agree to send out positive vibrations to Rob Machado during his first heat in the U.S. Open? Thanks. He probably doesn’t need it since he is so in tune to the universe, but I would just like to give hime extra support since he is going up against Mich and Owen.
Does anybody know the lucky winners of the “Hang Out with Rob Machado at the U.S. Open” Contest. Those lucky ducks!
Link, please?????
Typos! Forgiveness Please!
good post lewis, read from the bottom to top, lmao on jordy’s take.
that domain name is taken.
i understand Andy was very competitive, e.g. at the 2006 Pipe Masters. Rob Machado commented about it when he was in the webcasting booth at the 2007 Lowers, and who do they draw but AI draws a local wild card, Rob Machado - who wins. Rob expressed anger about AI’s hassling at the Pipe Masters, and I think generally it takes a lot to get Rob angry. i’ve seen him down at Swami’s training and he’s like Mr. Sunny GoodVibes (as opposed to Mr. Sunny beat up Neco !!! ).
i didn’t watch the webcasts much before 2006 so maybe there’s some things i missed. also i don’t buy surf magazines although i’m enjoying reading the Surfer Mag Big Issue at the newsstand right now.
that’s a good way to people watch. and it’s certainly no more pervy than watching a WCT webcast.
In an unrelated matter, why the fuck do the majority of surfers seem to have the gayest names possible? Kelly, Yancy, Asher, Zander, Kai, Taylor, Jihad, CJ, Brody, Daize, and so on. It’s like that shit in freakonomics that says there’s a correlation between serving jail time and having a stereotypically black name, in turn one’s probability of success in the surfing world depends on how high your first name scores on the douchemeter. I’d rather people run over by a Power’s Edition Silverado with Sunny Garcia at the helm than try to submit a resume with a fucking name like Zander. Fuckwit parents.
When does Jordy claim it?
When does Jordy make it official and just come out to the bloody closet as the first poofster pro surfer?
And when do the NOT top 16 ASP surfers, these REAL lower 29 ASP tossers, when do these folks come out of the vestibule and see the light that Sunny Garcia saw in his recent US Open heat?
Yes, like today’s version of Sunny Garcia, these below 16 average surfers suck.
Their day in the klieg lights of top flight professional surfing are over.
When does the reality of it all hit these mugs in the grill?
If they actually had a brain,. Or if their real friends were honest, the sooner the better.
Excellent fuckery. Good stuff, Lewis.
Blasphemy Rootten mouth…
Chuck Noll. Heh.
Dave Mailman said, ” I pissed myself”.
Who else would not be surprised to read that this is daily occurrence in the life of Dave?
“I used to think Slater made old guys look good”.
After yesterday’s US Open heat, I know for a fact that Sunny Garcia does.
@Mailman - Thanks for the clarification about the Lewis/Slayer and Carla Tome rumors. Slayer is a crackup on those late night broadcasts. Sick bastard. Little known fact: we hardcoare Ocean Beach guys love the late night WQS junior women’s live events. Keeps us pumped for the double-overhead days…
Of course loved the P.R. today. Thanks Lewis ;-).
@ Dave Mailman Yes I was stoked when T.K moved into the next round, but the whole heat was disappointing. T.K had a good start with a 8.0 which I was very excited about, then the whole heat died. I do not know who would have won if the waves had come, but I do know that the two of them would have put on a great show, they are both very competitive.
@Heinz Phillips Always much love and positive energy going out to Machado another one of my North County boys I adore.
Live webcast tomorrow.
@ReB.
The fact that Andy got himself all hooked up on prescription drugs and alcohol says,
even Andy didn’t like Andy.
@Caligirl - that is such good karma. asa lama leka to da maxx.
Hey gringos! This is where the contest in Brazil should take place
VIVA O POWER SURFE!
@a concerned mother:
Is it mean if I wish I could jizz in one hand and shit in the other and sling both handfuls at jimmiecaine? They are natural functions after all. Then I’d like to wrap my member around his neck and squeeze…I just got these great penile implants, you know.
Just wondering.
@Taj burro:
I think sunny G. is too busy hitting other mugs in the grill to realize that he’s waaaay over the hill. I think i said earlier that I envision a return to the big house, rather than a return to the tour for that guy. And what’s up with the guy that apparently kicked his ass on the 5 in SD….if that’s true, that’s great.
@trauzersnake,
If Andy is the most hated pro surfer, where does that leave Sunny G?
Sunny Garcia is the Michael Vick of Pro Surfing. More deserving of our pity than our scorn.
A great athlete who grew up around the wrong people!
@taj
Andy dosen’t go around beating people up, as far as I know, and he seems like a mellow guy when not in competition. Maybe he’s disliked for his hard and intense competitive focus. With that said, I don’t think he’s ever cheated a la kelly’s snaking of shane becshen in the us open, as far as i know. Point is, I think there’s some sort of disconnect in your logic. As far a where does this leave sunny? Back in the shithouse, dealing, thuggery? Do you think that his CPA was solely responsible for his recent predicament? I don’t think so.
Thanks for ripping jordy a new one. Trashy one he is.
@trauzerS,
It was not me saying Andy was hated. I merely repeated someone else’s sentiments above.
As to Sunny G. Everyone i’ve even talked to hates the guy. What’s the most hated product of all time? Something like Microsoft?
How did they ever miss out on sponsoring the guy?
@W. hollywood
At least he hasn’t killed any dogs (I think).
But what about JBG and the incident where he punched Jody Cooper in the face? What the fuck is wrong with these guys? For that JBG deserves to be donkey-punched by my massive crank (if he was securely bound, blind folded, and i had a 10 hour head start to get away that is……) Just think what he would do to Lewis….yikes.
Sick video coverage of the Huntington grovel fest here:
blows the ASP Heats on demand to hell.
Check out your favorite D-list pro from Carlsbad, you kill me Lewis
This is just a simple thought, so bear with me people:
There are six billion people on this earth, and Johnny Boy Gomes deserves to be shit and pissed on by every single one of them for a week. I mean a constant stream and pile from all continents - especially the dysentery-heavy places. In fact, if I were a guy as rich as Warren Buffet, or Paul Allen even, I would invest my fortune in seeing this dream come true.
Logistics would be tough, but it could be done. It might be easier to bring JBG to the people, or have a collection center in all communities, in the porta-potties of India where the night soil grows, to the super-crowded Chinese turd farms. Six billion craps and pisses would give him blisters all over. The E coli would set in before the job could be done. So, we’d have to IV him with tons of anti-virals… but I think if this world made it a priority, like we did in the 60s with landing on the moon, and we worked together, nation with nation, we could fulfill this dream of six billion craps taken on Johnny Boy Gomes.
That’s something that every nation can get behind, no matter what your ideology is. I see a “We Are The World” type moment. Imagine getting six billion loads of poop and urine dropped on you. At one load of poo and pee every ten seconds, it would take 1,902 years to finish.
I shit you not.
Some people would probably forget why we were doing it, as everyone who donated waste and John Boy himself are long gone. But if we increase the dump to include the excretions of 100 people every 10 seconds, it could be done in just over 19 years.
I think it’s a go.
19 years is not that long, and the waste of 100 people at a time wouldn’t be overwhelming. He’d have a few seconds to rub the crapola from his eyes… except of course while he slept.
Yes We Can!
Oh shit!
I was supposed to post that on the Disney® Message Boards under my other pseudonym: Barney Rubbhole.
I repeat,”who grew up around the wrong people! If the role models you grew up with were all drug dealing, gangster mafia mother fuckers then punching people in the face or raising fighting dogs would seem like normal behavior, and a legitimate way to make it in the world. The North Shore may be a surfing paradise, but for many kids growing up it was a ghetto of sorts, rife with crime, corruption and thuggery. Dogs were the least of those getting killed. Lets not forget the “contracts” that were put out on the heads of Rabbit and Shaun Thompson for nothing more than “not giving respect!” What kind of 1930s Chicago bullshit is that!
If all your life those around you are breaking the law and succeeding. Then when your accountant who was hired by those mentors and heroes tells you not to worry. Well you tend not to worry. Next thing you know you are the one going to prison while the top guys, who were probably taking a little of the top, are still on the beach.
I am no fan of either Sunny or AI or Michael Vick for that matter, but I do know a victim of society when I see one.
@Hollwood
What about those that overcome environmental factors? Those who know wrong from right. There’s a place for victims of society called the prison system. This again points back to the industry sponsors. Here’s a talented kid from a disadvantaged background, yet zero positive mentoring. If anything they market the thuggery to the max. It’s fucked up, but at the same time why should others be victimized by these folks, and it only gets dismissed as “he’s a victim of society.” If you can’t pull yourself up, and you are a follower all your life, well then you deserve to be shit and pissed on by all six billion simultaneously. Bravo BR, Bravo.
Am I the only one who has trouble believing there is an actual girl on this site? Caligirl, I challenge you to take the following quiz and answer off the top of your head. We shall see if you are a girl…
1. Who played the character Carrie from Sex in the City? Was it:
a. Sarah Jessica Parker
b. Dee Snyder from Twisted Sister
c. a & b; they’re the same person
d. No fucking clue
2. All I can seem to think about every day is:
a. Titties
b. Vaginas
c. a & b
d. Getting tagged jordy style
3. People who speak frequently and openly about their problems and emotions are:
a. Enlightened and emotionally mature
b. Annoying
c. Mark
d. b & c
4. I often notice excessive hair growing from my:
a. Hands
b. Back
c. Balls
d. Ears
e. None of the above
5. When I take my pants off, I see:
a. a vagina
b. a penis
c. a & b
d. Blasphemy Rottmouth
6. Although Daize Shayne is an ignorant slut, I would still:
a. Totally nail her
b. Like to have lunch with her
Barney Rubbhole. he he he..
@BR
Your posts are better then watching AI do lines of coke of a 9-year old’s boner.
Nice work Lewis, I think this may be the best installment of the power rankings ever. Thoroughly entertaining. Looking forward to the top 10.
Who cares about competitive surfing anyway. Brazilians looking to wave their flag? Long-Barneys? Anyone who can really surf doesn’t care about competition, they care about scoring waves. I’d wager half the top 44 don’t really care about competition but are actually on the tour because its the best way for them to earn a living surfing.
Here’s my question:
So Jimmy Wilson goes by an assumed name on the web because he:
(a) hates his heritage
(b) hates his parents
(c) hates himself, and/or
(d) wants to try and distance his online persona from his previous career soiling linen in a psyche ward.
Oh Kee Dokelie… fine. But why pick a pseudonym (Jimmicane) that makes you sound like a character on ‘The Hills’? Why not go with something infinitely more Google-able… like Sir Pimple on the Taint of Society?
@trauzrsnake I agree completely! However, those who overcome environmental factors are the exception, and everyone else is the fecal matter that gets flushed. Oddly, it’s not just the Carpetbagger sponsors fucks that screw over these kids its their parents, uncles and brothers. And yes they do market thuggery to the max, and we continue to buy the t-shirts, boardshorts and wetsuits. Then we try to justify the behavior by saying they are regulating the line ups and keeping us all safe. I’m sure that if the State of Hawaii truly felt the line ups needed policing they could come up with a better method than having local vigilante thuggs beat the shit out of people on the beach. How many videos have we all seen where some stupid kid is getting a beat down on the beach and a Lifeguard, in a red jacket, is standing there watching?
Watch “Bustin Down the Door” both Rabbit and Shaun talk about the fact that their “trial” took place in the largest conference room at a major hotel. Where were the police? Who was in charge of this Kangaroo Court? Where was the Government? Thank God for Eddie Aikau!
How does anyone grow up in that shit and know right from wrong?
I agree, why should others be victimized by these folks! We should all boycott the North Shore for the next twenty years. Don’t go there, don’t surf there, don’t eat there and don’t buy property there. Then we’ll see how much they hate everyone else when they are starving in paradise, and there are no hatted outsiders to make money off of.
But hey, the North Shore is the surfing Meca, and people will continue to flock there and they will continue to get shit on.
It may be surfing’s version of Heaven, but it’s not allot different than East LA or Mexico or Chicago in the 1930s. Everyone is on the payroll and gangs and crime rule unchecked. It will be the rare bird that flies above.
Jimmicane is the brown shark fin imprint left on the back of the toilet seat.
@ West Hollywood…
The hawaiians wouldn’t care if the white man boycotted the north shore. That is exactly what they want. They don’t want to work. They don’t want money. They had nothing before the Sandwich Islands were “discovered” and were perfectly happy. Ever wonder why Hawaiian’s are so fat? They have genetic traits that allow them to live on less food then a European. And even if you are really hungry… just go eat a coconut–or a turtle. They’re everywhere. Before Europeans came and introduced “civilization” they just chilled and surfed (and occasionally killed and ate their enemies). But before you knock it remember this: The ancestors and culture of many of the North Shore thugs you speak of invented the sport with which all who fancy this website find personal fulfillment… the white man introduced sponsors, ten point rides and “power rankings.”
“But a diversion the most common is upon the Water, where there is a very great Sea, and surf breaking on the Shore. The Men sometimes 20 or 30 go without the Swell of the Surf, & lay themselves flat upon an oval piece of plan about their Size and breadth, they keep their legs close on top of it, & their Arms are us’d to guide the plank, thye wait the time of the greatest Swell that sets on Shore, & altogether push forward with their Arms to keep on its top, it sends them in with a most astonishing Velocity, & the great art is to guide the plan so as always to keep it in a proper direction on the top of the Swell, & as it alters its direct. If the Swell drives him close to the rocks before he is overtaken by its break, he is much prais’d. On first seeing this very dangerous diversion I did not conceive it possible but that some of them must be dashed to mummy against the sharp rocks, but jus before they reach the shore, if they are very near, they quit their plank, & dive under till the Surf is broke, when the piece of plank is sent many yards by the force of the Surf from the beach. The greatest number are generally overtaken by the break of the swell, the force of which they avoid, diving and swimming under the water out of its impulse. By such like excercises, these men may be said to be almost amphibious. The Women could swim off to the Ship, & continue half a day in the Water, & afterwards return. The above diversion is only intended as an amusement, not a tryal of skill, & in a gentle swell that sets on must I conceive be very pleasant, at least they seem to feel a great pleasure in the motion which this Exercise gives.”
Lieutenant James King, Commander of the Discovery, 1779
@cap’n cook
I think some of them are still killing and eating their enemies.
I don’t really blame the Hawaiians. They are a good people. However, there are a number of “locals” with very European sounding names who are running the show.
I am often reminded of the rich super liberal Hollywood types who come to Malibu, build great houses on the sand with septic systems that leach straight into the line up, close the streets with guard gates blocking access to the beach, so no one can “ruin” the beauty of the sand, and then impose zoning restrictions so no one else can build. You know, “power to the people.” Just not in front of my house!
@ West Hollwood
a full blooded hawaiian with a European name told me that only Haole’s give their kids Hawaiian names anymore…
I am the Great Corholio! I need some TP for my bunghole!
come to think about it 16 surfer tour isn’t that bad… there is only about 16 interesting fuckers on the thing anyway
Is it just me, or does Dean Morrison look like Ron Burgundy?
AI’s doing drugs ?! Where does that come from - who’s reporting it ?
one of Slater’s sneaky moments i remember - this is in Europe at a WCT event. he paddled over to Jeremy Flores, Flores had priority & was winning the heat. Slater pretended he was going to shake hands, timed it perfectly, Jeremy let a wave go by, Slater jumped on it & won the heat.
if you got to do stuff like to beat a rookie - you deserve to lose.
Kinda like Kobe stealing the ball from an opposing rookie point guard then drilling a three pointer to win it…
… Kobe’s such a loser for stealing the ball from the poor kid??
Grow a pair, man! Rookie’s got to learn, just like everyone else.
Instead of competing, maybe we should just give them all 10’s, have them make out after each contest, and then we can call them all champions at the end of the year.
I just named my kid Kekoa Kala Smith.
Hurley missed out on a marketing opportunity by not giving out Rob “Manyaco” Machado bobbleheads at the US Open.
Another web cast with BORING COMMENTATORS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@ Perez
Went to the Dodger game last night. Best effin’ game i’ve ever seen !
Lewis, you’re Giants may have the best pitching, but we have Machado, i mean Manny.
OMG! Rob Machado won his heat this morning! Thank you everyone for sending out your positive vibrations to the zen buddha rasta jah eirene lion of juddah islamic jihad surfing maestro. Now we need to do it again in Round 3! Also, I would like to thank Rob for those inspirational words after his heat. It was like September Sessions all over again! Huzzah!
Anyone think they should run 3 or 4 man heats on the World Tour to have more action in the water? Only problem. Lulls. What happens if there’s not enough waves in the heat?
@ Ballz
Nicely framed quiz. C’mon caligirl, go ahead and answer the questions. Can’t lose.
@Taj’s Burro™
Re: Dave Mailman
Who is ‘the Mailman’? A bilingual (Anglais + Français) marketeer from California who was sent to the unemployment line by Na Pali in St. Jean de Luz? The CEO of the ASP in the EU? An acne-laden teen from Riverside County who is home schooled by an ex-porn star step-mother, but has total command of the internet? Who know the truth out there? Or is it all of the above?
I think if a certain amount of time passes with out any waves, like 15 minutes, heat should start again. 3 man heats.
@ ballz those questions are way to easy.
@ Mail
I think the waiting periods should be longer, like say a month instead of just 10 days. I know that puts a damper on the locals but lets get real, the ASP was very fortunate to have jbay on fire like that in such a short amount of time. Jeffrey’s is a fickle cunt. Shit, every spot is !
I love the Manyaco/Machado comparison. Lewis’ SF Giants are as thrilling as a Round 1 heat between Drew Courtney, Gabe Kling and Neco Padaratz’s weed dealer on a SUP.
Robert’s Your Mother Brother, my Spanish isn’t bad either. I resigned from Na Pali (Quiksilver Europe) when I disagreed with management decisions about how to evolve my role within the company. The President of ASP Europe. We don’t have a CEO, but an Executive Manager who takes care of the administrative side of things. Grew up in Corona Del Mar. No “Valley” tag for me. Had my fair share of zits as a youth. But “acne-laden” usually infers “covered in” which usually means didn’t “get any” as a teenager, which is very, very untrue! No home school for me. Phillips Exeter Academy, which allowed me to surf some of New England’s best beachies and points! Total command of the internet? Hardly, but I can find Post Surf easily enough. Any other questions? I have one for you. Why do you care?
Caligirl, new rule is no waves after 10 minutes is a restart. I tend to agree about 3 man heats. Really, what difference does it make if there’s 2 or 3 guys out at a “Dream Tour” quality break?
#
1. Who played the character Carrie from Sex in the City? Was it:
a. Sarah Jessica Parker
b. Dee Snyder from Twisted Sister
c. a & b; they’re the same person
d. No fucking clue
- A
2. All I can seem to think about every day is:
a. Titties
b. Vaginas
c. a & b
d. Getting tagged jordy style
None of the above
3. People who speak frequently and openly about their problems and emotions are:
a. Enlightened and emotionally mature
b. Annoying
c. Mark
d. b & c
-B
4. I often notice excessive hair growing from my:
a. Hands
b. Back
c. Balls
d. Ears
e. None of the above
-E
5. When I take my pants off, I see:
a. a vagina
b. a penis
c. a & b
d. Blasphemy Rottmouth
-A.
6. Although Daize Shayne is an ignorant slut, I would still:
a. Totally nail her
b. Like to have lunch with her
-B if a had to.
And before anyone gets witty, no, there was no porn star step mother either. Mom and Dad stayed married until my Dad passed on…
Hello…this is the Figster straight from Surf City baby. Fiiiiive Minutes!….Five Minutes remaining. Wow, the boys are schralping today. Speaking of schralping. I just had a Wahoo’s Fish taco. Tasty grinds. Stop by Toytoa of HB and get yourself a new ride. This is some of the best surfing I’ve ever seen. I haven’t seen guys ripping this hard since the Deffenbaughs during the WSA days. Surfer up. It’s Machodooooo on a left. Hey, I see Bud Llamas on the beach… The Maaayoooor
Lol @ Rockin’ Fig
Are there some fun little peak-a-tollah’s rollin’ through dud-dee?!
@ ReB
That was in Tahitii (there were no waves and the heat shouldn’t even have been run) and Jeremy won the heat. The wave Slater caught didn’t give him the win although it should have…get your facts strait.
@cap’n cook
Who invented foam, fiberglass, and fins…? Not to mention the leash, boardshorts, the barrel ride, the cutback, the floater…
For sure Blasphemy R. Thanks. I haven’t been this excited since John “The Terminator” Parmenter told me I had a nice cutback.
Is Herman Munster doing the color commentary right now? Bring back Pat-O.
Btw, I thought I’d just let all you cocksuckers know this is comment 100!!
That Jordy bit was fucking hilarious!
If people dis that then God save them from their boring existence.
BTW
I’d totally fuck that old guy in the spidey outfit!
If you knew how much Andy Iron has done to help others,…. you’d giving him the 100% props he deserves.
Andy is a good man.
This swell that’s supposed to hit the US Open is so over hyped. When and if it actually materializes, it will be surprising to see anything over head high.
I’m calling 5 foot max.
Due to recent attacks by lames and God I am changing my name to Rothchild.
True, Jordy’s hubris has been much more noticeable than his “tour dominance.” Look at the difference between him and Dane…Dane is so much easier to follow on tour because he just surfs and says mild shit. Jordy has no substance other than his surfing and his attitude…boring.
@ B.R.
I auditioned for the hills. Actually, i was staff photog on luguna beach but thought what the hey.
They said I was too short, so I got into surf photography and the rest is history. Now I am writer and the babes love it bro. They eat it up. Been working on some sonnets and shit. It’s pretty cool. The best part is I get to hang out with all the best surfer and go to the killerest parties evvvvvver!
Andy’s an Insane man. (insane good, not insane bad.)
did you know June 2009 was Pride Month ? well, i’m Proud to be a surf fan ! i’m proud to root for TKnox ! I’m proud to RANT about the judges at the 2008 Lowers who were dosed with TOO MUCH FLUORIDE in their drinking water, making them docile and sheeplike. in this Fluoride-induced state of partial-lobotomy, they gave Slater high scores because it’s what they’ve always done.
the incident sent the message out loud and clear, “no matter what you do, Kelly will prevail”, acting as a clear de-motivator for the rest of the pack as they headed to Europe.
reference, “The Fluoride Deception”
Jesus Surfline sucks. Keep up the good work here Lewis/BR. Reading their shit is like grinding 60 grit across your own soft cone. “a moderator will be reviewing my comment shortly”. You won’t be seeing it up there, it was a plug for postsurf.com, and a bashing of their disney-style garbage.
@ Ross
Hobie Alter, Pete Peterson, Tom Blake, Jack O’Neil, Velzey, the Duke, the Duke, Davy Smith
Since white Americans invented flying and the automobile, I don’t think anybody else should be allowed to fly or drive. If you do, I demand respect, and if I want, I can kick your ass for driving on my roads or flying in my air.
or you could not be a pussy and then you don’t get your ass kicked either way. Bottom line of localism.. if you are too big a pussy, you get your ass kicked. If you have joel tudor like skills then drop in on Eddie with no fear…
Quote from above -
“The ancestors and culture of many of the North Shore thugs you speak of invented the sport with which all who fancy this website find personal fulfillment… the white man introduced sponsors, ten point rides and “power rankings.”
Last time I checked the “ancestors” weren’t riding wooden planks naked…
I don’t care Dave. But thanks for taking the bait.
Kudos to caligirl. My kind of girl blogger. Well done.
Things I learned on the Postsurf Comments section today.
1. The Legend Dale Velzy added an E to his name after his death.
2. The Duke has a twin.
3. America invented the automobile.
4. Taj’s Burro™ can read a swell forecast and may in fact be Sean Collins himself.
5. A ultra secret consprircy has erupted where the North Vietnamese are adding fluoride to our drinking water, making us all docile, stoned-out sheep who surf like shit, but have pearly white teeth.
@ cap’n cook
I have heard surfing started in the mainland not in Hawaii. In Peru by the Inca’s.
Is Coté a better magazine editor or contest commentator?
awwwwwww Taylor…what can I say?? Next up Lowers.
Kelly’s ass looked so hot in that two tone wetsuit. Bonus of being a female fan, enjoy the surfing and I get to check out the fit of the wetsuits.
Stoked on Rob!!!
Cote did a good job…at least he talks with some infliction and excitement,not monotone.
You pass Caligirl, though I’m not sure I believe your answer on question 3. But given your disgusting account of Slats in his wetsuit (why is it always about sex with you women?), I will indulge you the benefit of the doubt that you are, in fact, a female as claimed. Good job!
@Caligirl - what does it mean to have infliction in your voice?
@ Shreddy Roosevelt
Main Entry:
in·flec·tion Listen to the pronunciation of inflection
Pronunciation:
\in-ˈflek-shən\
Function:
noun
change in pitch or loudness of the voice3 a: the change of form that words undergo to mark such distinctions as those of case, gender, number, tense, person, mood, or voice b: a form, suffix, or element involved in such variation c: accidence4
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