Damien Hobgood
You don’t finish runner-up at J-Bay twice by mistake. Unless you’re Damien Hobgood, that is. Shades of Peter Sellars in Being There, as Damo somehow won heat after heat, despite being seemingly only dimly aware of his surroundings, what year it was, and perhaps even what his name is. A touch of Zen, too, as Hobgood planted himself firmly in the moment: each section another section, each heat simply another heat. Against Taylor Knox, Damo squared off and committed to every blast, blissfully unconcerned with making the wave. J-Bay rewarded his hubris – where others raced only to get left behind, Damo slowed it down, confident in the moment, and somehow made the wave. It was just enough to beat the stronger regularfoot. And that is a good summation for Damo’s J-Bay effort: he took down Chris Davidson, Bede Durbidge, Taylor Knox, and Dane Reynolds consecutively – all by less than a point. I dare you to find another instance of a surfer making an ASP final without ever definitely winning one heat. All the same, this result represents redemption for a former title contender who looked set to drop off tour towards the end of 2008.
Bobby Martinez
Are the judges intimidated by Bobby Martinez? Or are they simply fans? It's hard to tell sometimes. Bobby Martinez surfs rights with the confidence of someone who's been told many a time that they surf backside better than everyone else. The hulking grace, the precision, the style… the marketed ghetto roots and street tattoos… Bobby is a surfer that commands almost fearful respect from the ASP machine. Judges respect his backside carve like they respect no other goofies' since Occy. For most backsiders, turns must be vertical to garner any serious points. An open-faced backside carve is now considered a set-up turn. But when Bobby does his version, he's consistently rewarded for it. Despite this, he's never been able to make a final backside - while he's won four events in lefts. Something doesn't add up here. Martinez gets an 8.5 off a few set-up turns and one doggie-door pit to down Dunn, but gets smoked by Parko. Actually that probably explains it all; Parko's frontside power swoops are even more well-respected than Bobby's backside grunters - call it a marketing bout of signature turns.
Taj Burrow
I’d like to believe that I’ve deservedly had zero-effect on how the general surf media covers the tour. Sometimes, however, I fear that’s not the case. Influence through imitation: it’s occasionally a terrifying thing. Reading ASP write-ups from the majors, I’m sometimes reminded of a trailer-trash heifer in a g-string: she thinks the look suits her, but it does not. Where once there was tepid marketing prose, I now see a grimy reflection of my own dubious work: controversy for the sake of controversy, wild claims, absolutism, indignation, nationalism and lame attempts at ironic humor.
Don't believe me? Recently SurfingMag referred to Taj as a surfer who has been "prematurely aged" by the tour, but who might prove to be "the Benjamin Button of the bunch." Sounds familiar...although that moniker is reserved for Drew Courtney on PostSurf. What does this have to do with Taj Burrow? Well, I’ve put Mr. Burrow in the discount bin labeled “Tapioca Fuckwit” many a time in the last few years. Simply put, he’s an easy and deserving target. In addition, fate has not exactly dealt the dolt a cruel hand – so what’s the harm in teeing off on him? A few years ago, when I started in on him, Burrow was the media’s darling. Now, he’s referred to as “The Cheyne Horan of the 2000s” in nearly every write-up. I almost feel sorry for the guy. He’s out of style - and I feel partly responsible for that. What doomsday proclamations should be made about Taj’s future after his loss to Sean Holmes in R2? Let’s leave it as this: Sean Holmes is a fucking pimp.
Bede Durbidge
Speaking of bathwater gone cold: Bede has quietly screeched his freefall to a halt with his nails dug deep into the concrete on the side of the building. After two consecutive first heat losses, Bede punched the clock at high noon for a 5th in Brazil and 9th in South Africa. Durbidge racked up some high-scoring heats (17.50 at J-Bay, 16.90 Brazil) off the usual emoticon turns – meaning his surfing is lethal but lacks subtlety. It’s reminiscent of Jaws’ approach in the mid-70s Bond films. But just as Roger Moore will never be a favored Bond, Bede is unlikely to ever be a favored contender. At the best of times he attacks the wave like a Parko-Tribute Act on Angel Dust - but he’s never lost the wide-eyed stare of an Okie straight off the bus. Against Damo Hobgood, Bede fell decimals short – the difference was an end-section boost over the bricks that Bede couldn’t stick. Like Slater, Bede is finding that lucky wins are so 2008.
Dane Reynolds
I feel for Dane. It’s professional courtesy - one false messiah tipping his hat to another. It’s a tough business, leading from on high, tacked on that cross. Yes, it’s a stretch to compare our predicaments, and it’s also a stretch to compare Dane’s predicament to that other guy’s. But my point is this: each time Dane rises to his feet, fans expect a miracle. Every turn must be a revelation, every air must revolutionize the sport. Dane is expected to lead a dying and battered breed to redemption, even though it's a forum he barely cares about and a job he’s not sure he wants any part of. Normal Americans can do what they want with their measly lives. But Dane Reynolds is the awkward voice of a generation, and therefore he must do what the fans want him to do. If he doesn’t do it, those fans have an idling bus ready to throw him under. Their entertainment is far more important than Dane’s personal well-being. At J-Bay, Dane dutifully stopped fidgeting and returned to the job of surfing savior. He delivered what the masses wanted – miracle barrels, miracle airs. Dane may not believe in himself, but the machine sure as hell believes in him – after all, there’s profit in it. That’s where we differ.
this write-up is all fart and no shit. were you drinking wine coolers whilst composing this post?
How gratuitous of you Lewis? Projecting yourself in a parallel credibility to Dane, your “fans” expecting a miracle every day. How tortured you must be to live up to your hype… except you are revolutionizing journalism. Are you leading a dying and battered breed to redemption?
Unfortunately, you are.
.
No doubt my comment from ten days ago inspired the Being There allusion:
Simple Simon says:
July 16, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Ha ha. I like the part about Drew Courtney getting old really fast, like the guy from Indiana Jones. I used to have a dream that I was old and dead like the guy from the movie about a gardener and an old man who is really rich and at the end of the movie the man, not the old rich one, but the gardener who everyone, even the president of the United States thinks is really cool, walks on water.
Remember when Step into Liquid licked Taj’s balls to no end saying he’s the future ? That was ‘03 ! “Six,long years on your trail” . I guess when you’re surfing royalty a world title is well, just kinda out there somewhere. Fuck, seeing Sunny win a world title should have been enough motivation for TB. Dammit son! Was it the chicks ? The partying ? Ah, fuk it…
@ John
Sunny was owed a title, just as Brett Simpson was owed $100k
I say let BVB do the power rankings as well. Glad to see his Ape Man thoughts again. We need more BVB and less no style oarsmen with their wives filming their flailing asses from the X5 on the shore. Had to surf a crowded spot due to minimal time this weekend and was pissed that so many asshats on all things rounded and retro think they belong out in the mix when the fucking barneys can’t even hold onto their surfboards during a 5 foot set wave It’s a sad state when the crowd of kooks scares me more than the waves or locals. Take back surfing it doesn’t belong to the all sport crowd. You don’t belong if you can’t duck dive. Fuck ARGH BARK BARF.
The scary thing for me is that Damien will believe he got through those close heats because he has god on his side…and the other ‘non-believer’s’ do not. It might not be an omen, Damien…
Re: Dane Reynolds
“…Dane is expected to lead a dying and battered breed to redemption, even though it’s a forum he barely cares about and a job he’s not sure he wants any part of.”
Watch The Hurley US Open Of Surfing Live Thursday! Look no further than Huntington Beach in July, when up to 500000 people …. Rob Machado, and Dane Reynolds—fill in the lineup of the Hurley U.S.Open …. actionsportsblips.dailyradar.com/….
DR didn’t show as headlined. Maybe he went surfing or something instead.
Bad Vibes Bob was funny to read, but he sounds like a real asshole. How old is that dude, like 50 something? Get a fucking job man. Somebody’s gonna stuff an oar up his oarafice one of these days.
Concentrating on airs has hurt TB’s style. He always looks like he’s looking for airs instead of doing what the wave allows. It’s not an airshow TB - thankfully, they have gone away.
Brett won that final even though the 9.10 was an overscore.
Has anyone ever seen Bill ‘Romo’ Romanowski riding his SUP up north? I remeber seeing it when he was on 60 minutes like five years ago. I’d pay $100 bucks to see BVB hassle that guy, and leave with his jaw busted like Kerry Collins and spit on, that would be cool.
The Dane Reynolds false messiah analogy is spot on. But shit, I’d rather watch Dane surf than sit in the desert sun watching Jesus of Nazareth hammer nails or turn water into wine. Yawn. Fuck that.
brilliant..
the pastiche of images accompanying the text also inspired..
i go from thinking there is some bitterness..too much..to being surprised..pleasantly..
u think maybe the tour will begin to respond to the write ups rather than the right ups to the tour?
its an open system..mutual feedback is built in..
i mean..lets not go crazy with the notion…but it is arguable there is an impact..
to test it lewis would have to back a dark horse, and see if his performance is enhanced, and whether other surfers are phased by his unexpected and newly aquired potency..
Well worth the wait Lewis. Marx’s corpse is sucking on sputnik fumes if he doesn’t think that was one of the best p.r. 5 spots ever. I can understand how it must get old for you doing this whole deal like you owe us money or something. The fuckstickerey will pay off for hooking the hard core surfers up with the real shit while it lasts. Good surf karma pays off in mysterious ways. Whenever you decide to go on hiatus like Chappele I won’t be mad at ya. Mahalo.
keep it sober, it’s worth it!
Jesus and Buddha are the most influential people in the entire history of humanity
Sobriety’s worth it? I’m pushin two years and I’m still not sure.
Sure, surfing’s better without
Love life’s better without
But there’s nothin like a good ether burn in the morning
I’m with Crusty Native; IF YOU CAN’T DUCK DIVE YOU DON’T BELONG
@Stranger than Fiction - and they’re both cunts, what does that say about humanity?
Taj Burrow is out of style! Not as a surfer, but as an athlete. When he first game out on tour, a talented young surfer could show up for his heat 15 lbs overweight and slightly hungover and still win, but that is all over now. Two years ago Mick Fanning showed up trim and fit, and he won a world title. Then last year Kelly dropped from from something close to 170 lbs down to about 155 and took his 9th world title. This year Parko hired a personal trainer, dropped twenty pounds, and it looks like he will be the champ.
Surfers are one by one starting to become the world class athletes they need to be to continue competing on an International level, and party boys like Taj are going to get left behind.
This ain’t Golf folks! It is an extreme sport, so they had better start to train for it. Burning your way through beer and Aussie swimsuit models, although great fun, is not real training.
In the end Taj, who may be an incredibly talented surfer, is not an elite Athlete; so, it is doubtful he will continue to be able to compete on a World Tour.
BTY all of this goes for Dane Reynolds (who I’ve noticed has lost some weight this year) as well?
5′7″ 150lbs … looks ematiated to be honest….rob looks like a bobble head….these guys are so tiny it’s hard to relate.
Rob doesn’t eat or speak on Tuesday’s.
Verbally You Surely Joust.
Ocean swimmers don’t get involved in all this SUP vs. shortboards vs. longboards BS.
we just get chomped on by sharks once every 50 million swimmer hours (So. Calif.) or once every 500K swimmer hours (Florida).
Agreed: Sean Holmes is a MOTHERFUCKING PIMP.
Jim G is a fucking kook.
I bet you surf so slow and overly stylish on your black beauty Merrick.
I am sick of your stupid commentary. You are not the Dane Reynolds of post surf.
This site is a raging dissapointment. A remote glimmer of what I thought it could be post Slurpline. Lazy, weak, vindictive posts with little to no insight. Any literary asshole can come up with an irrelevant analogy to make his equally bitter readers coo with admiration. I hope I misspelled some words so some smarty pants can write a paragraph on how stupid I am. Now thats entertainment!!
Dear Not Impressed,
Please skip the surf session today and visit a brothel. You need to get laid. Thank you in advance.
…only one “s” in disapointment
and 2 “p”s - hahahahaha
Dear Not Impressed,
Your stupid.
Thank you in advance,
Captain Obvious.
I hate when ppl say coo. It makes me want to take a diarrhea on their face.
like this:
Roger moore IS The best Bond ever and Peter Seller’s greatest movie of all time is titled. “The Party”. Drink a few wine coolers or beers prior to watching and you’ll laugh your arse off. Oh yes, you’ll have to dust off the old VCR as well, cuz it don’t come in DVD format.
“even though it’s a forum he barely cares about and a job he’s not sure he wants any part of.”
It’s like Dane Reynolds is surfing’s Kurt Cobain. The alternative is to quit surfing, going to college and getting a job.
fucking boring. why would you cross those nipples? why? seriously, why.
thank you baby jesus for redtube.
you shouldn’t have stopped drinking.
gerry lopez “mr pipeline” has been surfing alamo on a sup, seriously, wtf, he could get any wave he wants pretty much anywhere, surf is where you find it? bullshit!
i really want to fuck that monkey
We need a EDIT button, so I can fix all of my stupid cut & paste errors and typos. Or bigger print!
I’m guessing “Not Impressed” is not a Fan.
@not impressed:
go suck a cock!!
@ Not impressed
Dear Not impressed. You appear to be stupid. Sorry, I couldn’t make that observation into a longer paragraph.
@ Simple Simon
So, what you’re saying is that Samuels gets his ideas from you–and other posters on this and other surf-related sites–gives them his own Vanilla Wafer Custard Pudding Fuckery spin and then passes them off as his ideas so that when Surfline and other surf-related sites pass of what are supposedly Samuels’ original ideas as their own, Samuels feels justified in calling out Surfline and other surf-related sites as plagiarists when, in fact, he’s also a plagiarist? I like it. I really like it. You’re definitely on to something here.
These are getting lame Lewis. You’re obviously running out of steam. The sad paradox of you bashing the ASP whilst revolving your blog nearly 100% around it. And the notion that you liken yourself a “false idol” is furthermore pathetic and sad. You’re not revolutionizing anything.
you’re no jessus. real men love jesus, and no one loves you samuels.
scratch that, real men fuck jesus.
so who’s left … Joel, Mick, Adriano, CJ, Kelly.
go TKnox !
go Shane Beschen !
Who stole Eric Hogetz’s happy meal toy?
Oh, Mr. Reynolds — the Golden Boy of the Golden State. He can do no wrong in the American surf media despite having a mostly mediocre season. I know, I know: he’s tortured and ambivalent abut contest surfing. He just wants to “cruise with his bros,” surf gnarley waves on single fins, learn to soul arch, and huck the occasional rodeo flip. Although all of this undoubtedly adds some interesting nuance to his story, the time to shit or get off of the toilet, for lack of a better expression, is quickly approaching. He might very well be the best surfer of his generation, but he is a sad excuse for a professional athlete. He’s was born with more ability in his little finger than most of the guys on tour will can ever even comprehend. You can’t, after all, teach talent. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for Mr. Reynolds, you also can’t teach someone to be a cut-throat competitor. He either doesn’t want to win as badly as other wunderkids like Jordy and Sl9ter, or he doesn’t have what it takes and is just doing his best to act like he doesn’t care. Barring some sort of significant personality modification, Mr. Reynolds will never be the competitive surfer that we so desperately want him to be.
The messiah angle is interesting..
Turns water into bong water: Dane
Turns alcohol into puke: Lewis
@ Lewis
After posting the top 5 Power Rankings, please report on the three-ring circus that was the Hurley U.S. Open of Surfing–specifically on Brett Simpson’s “Cinderella Story”.
There has been much speculation in Webland that the Hurley-sponsored HB local “Simpo” was pushed through some very controversial heats–especially his round 5 matchup against Matt Wilkinson.
Also, it is a fact that Simpson enjoyed the benefit of a bizarre and unannounced last-minute heat reshuffle that repositioned Kelly Slater from the top half of the draw–the half in which Simpson competed–to the lower half of the draw–the half in which nearly ALL of the major talent was competing.
Thanks Lewis. The surf world is waiting for you to chime in on this matter.
dear blog haters - shut it - No one requires you to read Lewis’s rants about how lame you are. Go back to your comfort boards and sweep up the kelp beds.
Instead of sucking industry D all day, real sports commentators say what is truthful to them, just like LS. Something about reading PostSurf is a more legitimate picture of the ‘popular’ surfing world and you all have to remember that Lewis is just a sports commentator in the whole scope of things.
Either way, surfing is better without bullshit (SUPs, kooks, crowds, dumb and pointless journalism, etc)… and I sense little bullshit here on Post Surf. Even though post surf is sometimes the most diabolical hating this side of the mississippi, at least it is critical of surfers and doesn’t just S some D to make some $.
I was going to say something profound and earth-shattering, but (0_0)from SD took the wind right out of my pious sails.
A timely STFU if e’er there was one.
Word.
If I had a dollar for every time the Jet Ski assist was mentioned on the Webcast of the US Open. I would have made more money than Brett Simpson.
Were they under some sort of extreme pressure to justify the use?
The world title race is basically finished halfway through the season, and we only have to wait two months until the next event. ASP = Zzz…
I am glad to see you care gargle gargle & Firewire TB models all the way - best boards ever.
Agreed w/ whoever on the Wilkinson-Simpson heat. Wilkinson seemed underscored.
I surfed a lot last week and over the weekend. Was there a comp on?
please comment on the new tour. Power rankings?
Everyone’s got something to hide except for me and my donkey.
BTW, Hitler was a lefty.
It was not named the National Socialist German Workers Party, aka NAZI, for nothing.
On a second note, look who’s carrying on the tradition….
grand muffdiver=asshat
I havenʻt a clue about “pro surfing.” Lewis seems to be enthralled by it as are most newer “surfers.” And I guess for the older guys itʻs a bit like chess. Personally I donʻt get it.
Most of us are ʻRegular Joes” destined for average all of our days. An oar up my ass? Bring it on.
I reacted to the SUPʻs early on in order to establish a benchmark of mutual respect and behavior and it has worked at all of our local breaks. They know who we are and we know who they are.
Tongue and cheek boys and girls - fictional writing for the masses.
I was staggered by how many swallowed the marketing image of Dane. He was going to perform in ‘real time’ in heats what he was seen doing in ‘reel time’. He didn’t give a fuck when he was actually feeling some pressure and hitting the sauce at night. He was going to clean out everyone.
And hadn’t we all seen this shit before?
Fictional?? That’s more pathetic than if were real. “errr..ehh. sir, those large vessels present a potential hazard in the line up….”
BVB-cumdumpster
..and by that i mean BVB=cumdumpster
Who misspelled “Bad Vibes Bob” anyway? Its “Bad Vibe”. There must be 30 years now of ranting letters to various editors in the surf mags, and those are just the ones that were printed. Not to mention when he was on his homemade-flyer kick. Oh, the City is rich with character.
My boy was looking doughy at the US open this weekend!
‘Your Boy’?
Excuse me, did I just hear you say ‘your boy?’
Oh no, no, no, buster!
I’ll have you know that I’ve been keeping Andrew on a steady powder diet for months now. Couldn’t you tell by his awkward surfing… which resembled a toddler taking his first steps? Fool was surfing as smooth as Kong on a redwood plank.
He may say he’s clean, but I’ll tell ya, know his nose is as dirty as Bad Vibe Bob’s favorite butt plug.
Woof, Andy’s fat.
Woof, Mark is an SUP.
Woof, Dave the Mailman is his wifes tool.
Woof, AI’s Dealer has to finish the power rankings…. except his mirror is too seductive.
Smyrna Jeff’s dog should go back to sniffing assholes, licking balls, and mounting other males from behind…
Can Candice Parker really dunk?
With all the writing off of fellow commenters going on I actually forgot to comment on the quality of this post. Although it didn’t make me piss myself with laughter like the last few, LS is pretty spot on with his take on each and every guy. He doesn’t have to crack jokes or take gratuitous pot shots to be entertaining. At least not all the time. He just has to tell it like it is. Or at least tell it like he sees it.
Speaking of Damo’s slow and deliberate surfing, Damo mentioned on the webcast it was because he was actually on a buckled board that Gally had fixed. Since JBay is so fast, it helped to slow him down and stay in the sweet spot…
Candice Parker can dunk, but only in the way that Yoko Ono can sing. For someone who is 6′4″, her dunks leave something to be desired, but I would still stick it to her. In SUP new, I came across this:
and I do not object.
“Trauzersnake” needs his mouth washed out with soap. Latent or not so latent homosexual tension in your words and tag. Seek help. But not here.
BrodyStylez, now that is a good use for a SUP! Bet that fish tasted good on the BBQ.
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