Another Nugget from INSIDE THE GOLDMINE

Posted by lewis on July 28, 2009 at 1:41 pm.

I am going surfing today.  In the meantime, please click on over to Gra Murdoch's Inside the Goldmine for another excellent example of investigative surf journalism. - Ed

Dog and Master Reunited after Master Seemingly Vanishes Off Face of the Earth for 40-minute Surf.

TUES. JULY 28, WEST COAST, VICTORIA – 33 year old Airey's Inlet surfer Jason Bridgeford has been found safe and well, miraculously stepping back out of a mysterious other-world to rejoin the land of the living, his dog told all within earshot on the beach yesterday...




  • trauzersnake says:

    First you cum-gagling beyatches!!

  • Peo! says:

    This was great! Thanks for sharing the link!

  • BrodyStylez says:

    This had a very similar tone to the article about the guy on the rock. I would have preferred to have seen more goat boat bashing.

  • Marks Dog Eddie says:

    This is the best post Lewis has ever done. I love Mark more than anything, ANYTHING in the world. Except maybe when Marks wife gives me steak. Oh yeah and I like chasing chickens in our yard a lot too. But I love Mark the best.

    P.S. I saw the cable that Lewis’s dog laid on that surf mag a few months ago. Mine is smoother.

  • Marks Dog Eddie says:

    P.S. I will bite Stu if I ever see him.

  • BVBVBV says:

    Trauzersnake, when are you going to grow up? You obviously have a pretty bad porn habit. Get help, but not here. Where do you live?

  • Surfing Terrorist says:

    I would say “how original” except I’ve read nearly-identical articles like this in THE ONION numerous times. Seriously Lewis, why are you peddling this unoriginal, copied crap?

  • Dr. X says:

    This one from the same blog is also pretty good:

    The funny part is that some of the Aussie and Brazilian comments did not get the irony at all… totally clueless.

  • Dr. X says:

    Good sarcastic post, à la Lewis.

  • trauzersnake says:

    BVB-I’m still trying to avoid it at all costs, but all these little ailments and work tell me different. Yeah, it’s kind of a bad habit, but I’ll tell you, I’m going back to magazines instead of the internet, no viruses or bogus charges. I live in the northern part of a southern county. Peace.

  • Fido says:

    Reminds me of the recent doggie surf comp held in Imperial Beach. A bunch of anthromorphic pet owners searching for meaning. Burned by empty so-cal douchebag pseudo hippies? Get a dog, dress him up, walk him around and call him your soulmate. Make him surf for chrissakes! Insist on taking him in to restaurants. If all else fails, know that your doggie will love you. When he dies 10 years later, have a funeral and expect people to grieve on your behalf.

  • lazer® says:

    Who the fuck only goes surfing for 40 minutes?

  • trauzersnake says:

    Surfing Terrorist=Cumdumpster

  • Jamon Bagel says:

    Once I was surfing Sub with a buddy (yeah sandwiches rip, you bastards, we just have to wear Ziplocs to keep the goods dry).

    Before we paddled out left his nutjob German shepherd on the beach. Fairly long paddle as some of you know. Twenty minutes later, loudmouth bearded local yells, “There’s a fuckin’ dog out here!” So we look and as a big set rolls in, all we see is Muttley comin’ at us, right in the pit, goofy grin and everything. Of course he gets annihilated. Pops up, keeps right on coming, finds his master. Then, as BVB would put it, tries to mount. Funny damned shit.

    PS, paddling an exhausted dog in from Sub is no freakin picnic. And I love picnics.

  • Hugh G. Rection says:

    Trauzer, where did you hear that one?

  • The Nug says:

    Gra is funnier than shit

  • Surfing Terrorist says:

    Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor. And this goldmine site is full of it.

    Not to mention: Can’t the guy cough up a measly 10 bucks to remove the “.blogspot” from his url? This is the crap Lewis is peddling? Weak.

  • Jamon Bagel says:

    Weak is sitting around criticizing shit without ever posting anything worth reading. But maybe I’m wrong, I’m just a breakfast food.

  • Marks Dog Eddie says:

    @ Jamon Bagel

    My owner Mark caught a ten foot wave at Sub back in 93 way before I was born. He made it over that huge, submerged rock and screamed all the way through the Grove, into the burger Point area and actually Huntington hopped it all the way into the Cave where he got barreled and then ended up nose riding his 8′2″ Mark Angell gun through Keiki Bowls until finally, at the very end, he kicked out as the wave had diminished from a near 20 foot face to a 3 foot face.

    True story. I have heard him tell it to his wife many times at night when he is watching the Sean Hannity show.

  • ReB says:

    awwwwwwwe. little puppy guy waiting for his master.

    to think in China, they eat these things.

  • trauzersnake says:

    @Hugh G.

    Well he is, isn’t he??

  • Jamon Bagel says:

    @Mark’s Dog. Did Mark also catch a 15lb yellowtail while trolling with a hand line from the barrel?

    I also heard Mark was riding behind Lewis that whole time at Desert Point…

  • Fido says:

    How funny would it be if it actually rained cats and dogs? Pretty funny if it was a just light drizzle of shitzus, poodles and cats. A downpour of bulldogs, pit bulls and great danes would be less funny. Unless you were watching from a heavily fortified location capable of withstanding direct impact from such large cannines.

  • Fido says:

    @Surfing Terrorist: I beg to differ. Pie in the face is the lowest form of humor. Next comes clowns. Don’t even get me started about clowns hitting each other with pies in the face. Dog shit humor, in contrast, is the highest form of humor.

  • Fido says:

    But a clown smashing a pie into the face of another clown sarcastically is hillarious. Look at me, a clown, throwing this pie in the face of another clown, expecting you to laugh. Priceless.

  • Things that make you go Hmmmm says:

    @ Jamon Bagel

    I believe Mark’s Dog Eddie’s story. It is highly unlikely but possible to ride a wave from Sub to Keiki Bowls on the right swell.
    BTW how the hell does Lewis expect to keep this site going? He must be thinking that someone is going to offer him a job soon. Either that or he is simply a soul blogger that does it for the love.

    Hey Lewis will you PLEASE let us know your future plans? It seems highly unlikely that this will continue. If Post Surf ceases to exist then what are we all supposed to do? Where will we go? Who will listen to our bitching? And what about B.R. and T. Snake? What about Mark? What will he do? Where will he go?


  • Clown says:

    LOL! I just spit pie all over my computer screen!

  • BrodyStylez says:

    Y’all better get wise to the fact that surfing is about to change drastically for the worse. While most thought it had been commodified from all possible angles, it appears that new demographics are trying to get a piece of the multi-billion dollar pie. To qualify that statement, I humbly present this video as proof positive that surfing is nearly done for.
    Prepare for the coming cataclysm.

  • Clown #2 says:

    This blog sucks but the comments are fucking hilarious.

  • Ass Clown says:

    Do you know where I can get one of them asshats which Lewis and the commentators periodically reference?

  • I’m going with The Surfing Terrorist on this one, boys. I read a couple posts on that other dude’s blog. While it is well written and funny, it follows the familiar template plundered to death by the once-great writers over at The Onion. Don’t get me wrong, The Onion still has its moments, but their latest crop of writers miss much more than they hit. If one wishes to follow that template, then good on them.

    I say that dude should keep up his work and honing his skills. Who knows, maybe one day he’ll pass off his schtick as something other than a poor man’s Lewis Samuels?

    And no, I’m not starting my own blog. I just got a WordPress account so I can have an avatar.

    Because avatars are the shit.

  • Ass Clown says:

    @BR: Thanks for updating us on the latest on your WordPress account. I think I speak for everyone when I say, thrilling. Look at me, a clown, throwing a pie into the face of another clown, expecting you to laugh!

  • Speaking of dogs, does anyone else think that Bruce Irons looks like the offspring of someone who obviously had been cross-breeding greyhound dogs with slim jim meat snacks?

    Okay, maybe it’s just me.

  • Surfing Terrorist says:

    “Clown #2 says:
    July 29, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    This blog sucks but the comments are fucking hilarious.”

    It’s because everyone who leaves comments here (except for the right-wing kook Mark, who only wishes he had a real voice in any kind of industry) are already media members in the industry. Hence the reason why this site only gets 500 daily uniques.

    Great industry blog, and it speaks the absolute truth, but the ones with power and money are assfucks who don’t know what good writing is. Hence, good writers host blogs with limited traffic, shitty writers work for shitty companies who own all the major sites, mags, companies etc.

    I’m still disappointed that Lewis has a twitter page: Only thing worse than Lewis having a Twitter page and conversing with Homer Simpson errr Chris Cote is SELF-PROCLAIMING (who does that shit?) that he’s “The most hated man in surfing.”

  • Ronald Nixon says:

    Most Hated Man in Surfing - now there’s a good topic. Sorry Lewis but you’re not a contender, not even close. I’ll throw a few names around: Corky Carroll, Allen Sarlo, Fred Hemmings, AI. Discuss.

  • trauzersnake says:

    BR is so gay that he emits latex-scented flagulence

    BR is so gay that if his house was on fire, he’d be first out because his shit is already packed

    BR is sooo gay……hahahaha

  • trauzersnake says:

    LMFAO at Ass clown

  • Trauzersnake just busted out the savage “you’re gay!” line on me. Whyyyyyy youuuuu!

    I used to bust that one out, too…in 4th grade gym class. Only a steer-fisting Texas redneck would think calling someone gay is a devastating critique.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with fisting steers, mind you

  • Gra says:

    Hey Surfing Terrorist.

    Cheers for the feedback.

    Obviously my Goldmine blog is an imitation of The Onion. I’m pretty upfront with that.

    As far as being too ‘cheap’ to lose the blogspot thing, it’s been more a matter of convenience – like many of us I’m kinda busy with my real job, so it was quick and easy to set up the blog that way.

    Regarding the merits of satire/sarcasm and all that, well fella, If ever you’re over in Burleigh, look us up, we’ll go for a surf and can discuss the finer points of humour between sets.


  • The Nug says:

    There are some angry people out there. When I’m angry, sometimes I’ll do a crossword puzzle. It helps. Or I’ll just wash down a vicoden with a sixer Downtown Brown. It helps. Believe me. I’ve done the reaserch. But most of all I like to sing when I’m angry.

  • God says:

    ST is, I believe, Chris Cote.

  • Stu says:

    Inside the Goldmine ripped off The Onion

    The Onion ripped off Surf Europe (yes it did!)

    Surf Europe ripped off Viz, which was doing that shit 30 years ago.

    “Satire is a long line of beggars and thieves” - Stu, 2009.

  • Stu says:

    And for gorsakes man, it’s satire NOT sarcasm.

    Didn’t Alanis Morrisette sing a song about this??

  • Gra says:

    ahh, Stu… Viz… Viz was all time. Thanks for the reminder. Wish I’d held on to my collection. They were seriously gold.

  • The Nug says:

    Screw Alanis Morrisette. The shit in her song isn’t even ironic. “Rain on your wedding day” is just bad luck. If a song called “Ironic” has no irony in it, is it then ironic? Now I’m even confused.

    By the way Gra. Keep up the good work brother.

  • I must give props for not going with the much more mundane name of Dr. Grammer.

  • Hugh G. Rection says:

    Yes Trauzer, yes he is.

  • Shreddy Roosevelt says:

    This story was great….for me to poop on.

    Best Onion article ever was ‘Dolphins Evolve Opossable Thumbs. “Oh Shit” Says Humanity’. Also, ‘Archaeologists Find Ancient Race of Skeleton People’.

  • Hey Lewis,

    I sent you a belated email response to your question. Check your inbox boss.


  • By the way, I would never get into a who’s gayer than argument with Trauzersnake. It is a well established fact amongst those who regularly surf wave pools, that he has a multitude of super powers:

    He can open his anus and create a powerful enough vacuum to stop criminals in their tracks.

    He can hypnotize young chickenhawks with his bulbous head, pouty lips and mesmerizing contact-blue eyes.

    He can extend his cock and use it as a soft, rubber club.

    He can tease and color your hair as he’s reading your mind.

    He can implant listening devices on your fingers and toes as he’s giving you a manicure and pedicure.

    His breasts can shoot an acidic milky substance.

    He can fit 5 cocks in his mouth at once.

    He studied ballet as a child so he can dance his way into any secret society club or dinner party.

    His one and only weakness: he’s too damn sexy for his own good.

  • Oh, and Trauzersnake is gayer than Rob Halford eating two cream-sicles at the same time.

    (sorry, I couldn’t help muhself)

  • Mike says:

    Alex Knost sighting?? Surfing in jeans IS normal apparently.

  • Stu says:

    Ah, my fake stu is back. God, anything you can do about this?

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    @ Ronald Nixon

    Ok, I’m in. Most hated. You nailed a couple. Sorry, can’t hate Andy at this point. Although I am advised he’s not as big of a prick as his brother. So, maybe hate Brucey. Will consider.

    But Corky the clown. Fuckwit. Send to any maximum security Federal prison in the US with “Bitch” stamped on his forehead and lock him up with the men who ain’t ever getting out.

    Fred Hemmings. Could actually be ‘Mark’. Hapa haole dumbshit Republican. Oh, and did I mention a useless, overrated fuck of a once-upon-a-time surfer.

    Eileen Sarlo. Have run across this moron several times, in several continents, sadly. Classless, sort of a Mike Parsons with less style, ability and flow. Nearly decapitated at his ‘King’ break of Malibu a few years back reportedly. Unfortunately, nearly is the operative word.

    Chris Cote. Does this tool even surf? I wasn’t really familiar with him until recently, as I’m avoidant of even TSJ these days. But got a dose of him watching the US Open webcast. Has this cunt no shame? Or is he just too stupid to know that a bald, impudent, boot licking toady like himself should be working at a 7-11. His parents missed the abortion opportunity, so now I’m begging them to beat him senseless after the next family Thanksgiving dinner, when he’s in a tryptophan induced coma, and put him out with the garbage.

    To be continued…

  • Stu says:


    Look Stu, there ain’t nothing fake about my name. I am a Stu the same as you are a Stu. Your name isn’t unique you know. It’s like thinking that there’s only one Blasphemy Rottmouth in the world.

  • Excuse me Stewart, there IS only one Blasphemy Rottmouth because I ate every other imposter for lunch.

    Lead by example, not by parody.

  • bdub says:

    Don’t forget Sam George in the Most Hated listing. Watched the old OP mentawai boat trip vid a while back, and had to turn the sound off. What an assclown. GT is another obvious one to include on the list. Remember that get up one of the days in j-bay? He looked like a pirate, and I do mean ass pirate.

  • Surfing Terrorist says:

    “Robert’s Your Mother’s Brother says:
    July 29, 2009 at 6:50 pm

    Chris Cote. Does this tool even surf? I wasn’t really familiar with him until recently, as I’m avoidant of even TSJ these days. But got a dose of him watching the US Open webcast. Has this cunt no shame? Or is he just too stupid to know that a bald, impudent, boot licking toady like himself should be working at a 7-11. His parents missed the abortion opportunity, so now I’m begging them to beat him senseless after the next family Thanksgiving dinner, when he’s in a tryptophan induced coma, and put him out with the garbage.”

    Haha spot on, Cote blows. I’ll give him a little credit though, he can surf somewhat well. When he isn’t a fat piece of shit. Considering that’s all of the time, well…

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    @ bdub

    Sam George. Tracks Magazine in Oz once said he should be buried in the sand and his ass used as a bicycle stand. Don’t get me started on this self-focused, self-proclaimed ‘expert’. Poster child for the American douche bag.

    @ Surfing Terrorist

    Cheers. I guess this clears up any question of you actually being Chris Cote!

  • Meatwad says:

    Best onion, article ever “Why can’t i sell any of these fucking bibles”.

  • West Hollywood says:

    Why is it that regardless of the subject post all the same people reply with all the same bullshit comments?

  • Meatwad says:

    Its true every time i comment its best onion article ever, “why can’t I sell any of these fucking bibles”. sometimes i fuck up and put the comma in the wrong spot though so I got that going

  • Meatwad says:

    P.s. west hollywood = sperm bank.

  • My bad West Hollywood.

    Would you like us to comment more on the doggie’s day on the beach waiting for his master to return home from a surf session? I can’t speak for everyone here, but there ain’t enough meat on them bones for a carnivorous rascal like myself.

    Or, would you like us to mimic the intriguing comments found at Surfline, Transworld, ButtholeSurfers, etc, etc…?

  • I should not have opened my mouth, as Meatwad summed up my thoughts quite succinctly.

  • surfcheck says:

    Slater is the only one who wants to challenge Parko, hope he wins Trestles to pressure. Slater is ripping, his karma seems to be holding him back but look out-

  • Smyrna Jeff's dog says:

    Stu, you”ve beem Samuelized.

  • trauzersnake says:


    LMAO about the Rob Halford reference!

  • CIA says:

    Surfing Terrorist and Robert’s your mother’s step brothers faggots lover are surely 696969696969696969ing at this hour. Wash your hands in honor of Analogs free movie you stinky slimy robertsbrothersmothersfuckers. Wash your other ting also.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Stu, if you think anyone ripped off Surf Europe, I’m assuming (dangerous thing to do) that you’re speaking of the early issues when Derek Reilly was in charge? Because I don’t think Surf Europe has done much worth copying since good ol’ Mr. Reilly left the continent. Correct me if I’m wrong.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    After all the angst of writing the last Power Rankings, I guess Lewis just felt the need for a little good old fashioned, feel good, puppy love. Hope it’s working for you! Say ‘hi’ to Corporate America for us!

    What the hell are we going to do until Trestles?!?

  • Fat git says:

    Ha ha, fucking great working for yourself innit, “I’m off for a surf so here’s someone else output to keep you occupied you slacker desk driving weekend warriors” :)

    We love LewSam, a bit.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Most hated man in surfing, late entries, Ace Cool, JBG, Richie “Skeletor” Collins.

  • @surf terrorist

    cote actually surfs good. Look up his video surfing las Flores.

    It’s samuels that claims he surfs but can’t back it up with a video.

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Most Hate Filled Man in Surfing???

    JOB on JOB from

    We’ve laughed, wept, and vomited to @whoisJOB posts ever since Charlie Smith began writing them. Now, we get what is reportedly Jamie O’Brien’s view on why he had Chaz doing the tweeting for him. Here are a few bits from his post on

    “The fucking surf industry has strangled the surf media so tight for so long that the brains of all surf writers have turned to mush. The media and most of the surfers believe their own con. That surfers must be nice, polite, petite friends to political correctness and each other. Even if they are not, they must pretend. I am not this and I don’t care to be or pretend to be. I have enough friends, I have my own interests and I don’t need them told by drones. . . Fuck the magazines, fuck the fake interviews, fuck the false humility, fuck the deception and cover-ups. Write something else you little minded clones. Surfing is best left to me, writing to Charlie. Admire us and our freedoms until it inspires you enough to seek your own.”

    But, ah, this kind of sounds like Chaz writing again. . . either way, it’s good and we don’t want to mess with it.

    Read more:

  • killedbydeath says:

    there is a word on the tip of my tongue that describes this post. oh got it…. ’stupid’. bashing SUPers and low ranking CT surfers is much funnier.

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