Not to beat a dead horse, but this whole Power Balance deal is possibly the best thing to hit PostSurf since the Power Rankings. The more I look into , the more comedic gold I discover. At this point, as TurtleGate enters its 46th day, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Andrew Mooney IS in fact an animal lover. Perhaps he wasn't raping those poor turtles - he was slapping Power Balance holographic stickers on them. Bless his heart.
Comment of the Week goes to Jimmicane, who despite sucking at the teat of the surf industry via his position for Surfing Magazine, was smart enough not to be fooled by the Power Balance con.
says: August 6, 2009 at 4:37 pm
"There was a weird guy at NSSA Nationals promoting these. What he’d do for his proof that they work was make you put out your arm and stretch it back. Then he’d put the hologram wrist band on you and have you repeat. Your arm would mysteriously stretch back further this time and it was because of the hologram of course. Right? Wrong.
The first time you did the drill, it would stretch your arm out so that obviously the next time you did it you’d be able to stretch further.
Genius plan. Give the hologram dudes some credit. Brain washing people is tough shit."
Speaking of people that Jimmicane thinks have been brainwashed by Power Balance, check out the priceless video below of Granger Larson, Clay Marzo, Jamie Sterling, Kamalei Alexander and Dustin Barca endorsing Power Balance at the Volcom Pipe house.
Just when you think it can't get any funnier, Eddie Rothman appears, upping the ante significantly.
"Thank you Bruddha, my name is Eddie... with Da Hui, and dis ting works good. REALLY GOOD!" Eddie notes. "I'm gonna eat 'em. I'm gonna swallow this fucking thing."
No wonder Bruce and Andy got involved.
Runner-up Comment of the Week goes to Captain Irony, who like many professional surfers, is a true believer.
Captain Irony says: August 6, 2009 at 8:15 pm
"I just received my power balance sticker pack and it has truly changed my life. From the moment the pack arrived, it was as if the laws of the universe were annulled on my behalf. Yesterday it was raining in the morning but in the afternoon I put a power balance sticker on my new board and the sun came out. I couldn’t believe it either, I wasn’t expecting to see immediate results. Then today something totally unexpected happened. I checked the surf this morning and it was one foot and offshore. I cruised back home and was bored so I decided to put a power balance sticker on my kombi van, right next to my “Magic Happens” sticker. Roughly 37 minutes later the wind turned onshore and the swell started to pick up! I know what you’re thinking and you’re right, 37 is a prime number. That’s enough proof for me that the scientific team at power balance have tapped into a newly discovered transcendental universal force. Thankyou Power Balance, $59.95 for access to the secrets of the universe is a fair price. I’m going to put a sticker on my triple chamber bong and wait for the next miracle to materialize."
Why yes! Look what it did for Mick Fanning…
Drinking game:
Any time some one says “Trippy” take a shot.
Uummm….these guys probably gave these guys a $50 phone card and power bar for the endorsement. The camera guy got a free closeout at aint’s.
Well that vid was proof positive…. quit clowning it Lewis.
BTW, eddie is da hui and eats power balance stickers for breakfast. Nuff said.
Lewis, have you ever surfed the North Shore during the off-season? Like maybe in late March? If you have, why would you never want to surf there again? If you haven’t, I guess you’ll never know what you’re missing.
I think that this confirms that the NBA’s 7th string All-Star team has more collective education than any group of 10 pro surfers….maybe it’s because they’re all Hawaiian pros, but this is embarrassing.
The rebel dream tour should make all of their riders have a legitimate, accredited high school diploma and gIve a half point handicap to the waves of anyone who can name a President before George Bush I, three of the thirteen original colonies, or print his name after signing it.
Home schooling, dat’s da way to go brah.
Was there a brain cell anywhere amongst that trippy gang? I hope they all buy lots and lots of Power Balance stickers. Best thing they could do with their hard earned cash.
FUCK SURFING. gEORGE bONG. Haste makes waste surf turds. SURFLINE fuckingbuttfacehermanretrohumanoid.
Report for tomorrow:
Bro. Fog. Stink wind. Stinky visitor.
DIRTY.
fAKE.
TRANSPARENT
Alien surfcam bro out late.
every single surfer in the video must have smoked at least 5 joints and 10 bong hits-sahhahahaha
Hawaii is sooo Rad!!!
ho bra
CC
Maybe if Drouyn, I mean Westerly, would have eaten more Power Balance bars, he, well she, would be more, um, balanced?
Could this happen to Andy or Bruce? What about Jordy? Could the ‘nipple’ issue drive him to ‘gender reassignment’?
Food for thought.
I just fell down the stairs wearing mine. Totally kept my wrist from getting bruised.
power balance = sacred geometry?
“I wear Power Balance condoms. They help to keep me from sliding outta of my mom’s crackhole dude.”
Did anyone notice that the nice power balance gentleman was roughly the size of a chihuahua? Maybe that’s the secret. He’s giving normal sized folk the balance that comes from standing only 4 feet from the ground. I’d hate to see the list of side effects on the side of the PB packet
Like most mongoloids, the surfers at the Volcom house will most likely be dead by the age of forty.
In conclusion, their antics are no sweat off my balls.
I’ve seen this hologram several times before on people, and I just don’t get it. It’s like that ridiculous fad of leaving the price tag on your clothes. This Power Balance noodnick isn’t chic, or cool people. It’s just stupid.
And it makes you look like a Neimann Marcus window mannequin. Unless you’re these Volcom guys. Then it just makes you look like a retarded Neimann Marcus window mannequin.
Volcom House surfers = Productive Pussy Farts
Every night you should all thank your lucky Lewis Samules for educating the less informed of surfing’s version of penny stock crooks. One more group of hustlers pushing pure horse.
No different that what else is going on in society. Arbitrary, anti-human tyranny whose elites march us forward directly into the past.
the “holy shit” principle:
Pretty poor showing for the boys at the pipe house- At least Jamie S. was red-faced when he said it worked- wonder what they were paid.
@ Blasphemy Rottmouth
Speaking of pussy farts…..
Lol @Mr. Staines link.
Good times.
And yes, Howard Stern was doing that bit twenty years ago, but it’s still funny.
Sick video taking the piss out of this whole ASP VS ESPN debacle…
@Will,
You can’t be serious! That NEW video just blew my Uncle Oscar’s cock into euphoria. That can’t possibly be a week old could it? And it couldn’t be a tired ploy by some boondoggling baditos to rouse a few yucks from a few toothless Aussies, who habitually hyper-squat their boomerangs.
@Will,
Mate.
My dad got paid buukuu for his camio.
Like I said I ride for Power Balance and Pipeline Posse and you’re either with us or you’re against us!
Make your choice wisely.
@ Geo. Patten
Ol’ Blood and Guts would have fired those Power Balance Hologram Stickers out the guns of his tanks. But he did it without them!
@ Mailman’s burro… I nearly made the same comment regarding the Hawaiian pro’s total lack of artiiculation, but figured it to be a rhetorical observation. They should NEVER interview these guys. Pipeline Posse means grossly inept and incapable to society. Mark claimed the Kahuku education, but this is irrefutable proof that All Children Have Been Left Behind. And these are the poster children for a “sport” that seeks a wider audience?
@Ted…. the hologram guy was an elf…. next to a gaggle of elves! Maybe that’s why they can’t speak, stunted development. If Barca is the biggest and he’s smaller than Cote and Cote is smaller than Machado and Machado is smaller than Alana Blanchard.
Stop buying Corpo Merch and we can rid our lifestyle of these parasites.
I got to try this stuff mate! Long live Da Hui!
Fucking idiots.
The first rule of a good salesman is to believe in the product. Da Hui is a t-shirt company, but have you ever seen Eddie Rothman wearing a shirt.
How can these guys be expected to sell these things if they don’t even believe in their own product!
I just accidentally swallowed my PowerBalance bracelet. Now I can walk on the ceiling.
I just realized that the real secret to surfing performance is a hearty breakfast sandwich. Why shouldn’t I cash in on that indisputable fact?
Here’s the deal…if any of you have ever placed 50th or higher in a surfing contest, or if people are afraid of you because you might punch them if they surf your break, I’ve got a crisp $10 bill and a month’s supply of tasty pig & pastry just waiting for you.
Simply stare into the camera and try to articulate why you just couldn’t live without Jamon Bagel. My people will take care of the rest…
priceless stuff. just when you think those idiots couldn’t lose any more credibility. also, get a load of the guy giving them the tests. he looks like the shadiest mother fer ive ever seen. he should be selling used cars or amway.
It’s a well known fact that a coctail of viagra and Power Balance will have you humping spiders on the ceiling. To avoid emmabrresment be sure to cut your toenails first. They’ll leaves streaks on your cottage cheese ceiling like a motherfucker.
I guess that means the viagra is already in the microchip, cause, um…what’s the best way to get rid of those streaks?
“its pretty trippy…ha ha…i mean it’s kind of stoney i guess.” - granger larsen
stay in school kids
has anybody ever see the movie Idiocracy with luke wilson? well if you ever want to experience what that would be like in real life just go to the north shore of hawaii
@ Will
Thanks for bringing that video to my attention. One of the funniest and well done fucking things I’ve seen in ages.
It’s even more fun than my Power Balance “Core Pack”. Hey, I’m elevating my game. My goal is to do Spiderman type shit. It’s a Dog the Bounty Hunter world out there.
i can’t believe these heavy duty Hawaiian guys are pimping this CRAP.
wonder what the back story is - does this say anything about the economy in Hawaii ?
if you was from Kauai you’d understand
I would like to see this new holographic technology applied to condoms.
However, I think the demo might be a bit awkward “Try and pull me over now…”
I’m only going to pick surfers that use power balance for my fantasysurf team from now on, and I am going to win!
anybody got a copy of Surfer Mag ?
they got Kelly as #1 & Tom as #3.
who’s #2 - Duke K. ?
The fucker is wearing a FANNY PAK. Maybe I’m behind the times a little, but seriously what the fuck. Sorry if someone already commented on that, didn’t have time to read through all of the comments.
you all laugh at these things, but the shit I can create will blow your mind. Non-believers be warned - AI and his buddies are on to something you will never understand.
ok, i watched this video in the morning at work and thought it was pretty funny, but now i’m home and watched it again after a couple of drinks i have to say it is even better. by the way, watch again and listen for the creepy “haaaaahaaaa” noise coming from the shady looking guy
God, are you saying you created the PowerBalance bracelet? If you did can you tell me if it’s poisonous or will give me stomach cramps?
P.S., PowerBall numbers, please.
I stuffed a few of this things up my ass and now my shit floats standing erect like a beautiful roman column.
also bone an raized = sick screen name.
Awe shucks, I know it’s not “Meatwad” or anything.
Did anyone else notice that Dustin Barca, to his credit, avoids really endorsing the product? He just says the name after saying “Killing it in Hawaii.”
I just found out that powerbalance is sponsoring slaters new world tour
all the hui members are wildcards
FYI: Weak is spelled wrong in the title. Unless I missed something.
I actually know a lot of these guys (graduated Kapaa High Kauai 01′) and they were obviously goofing around. In fact Eddie is quite the well spoken gentleman once you know him. I graduated from UCLA last year and can say that I haven’t met many guys there that have the warmth and joviality of the Pipe crew. Plus they are HOT!
P.S. CaliGirl sounds like a stupid little bimbo!
is it just me or are the people in these comments really trying hard to make a name for themselves. Not mentioning any names *cough* blasphemy rottmouth. What, you attack someone because they didnt see asl’s new vid the day it was uploaded, like you did on your daily check of every surfing magazine on the internet. Listen to yourself because you sure as hell don’t sound like a surfer to me.
@ Weak Spelling
You missed something.
@ Jasmine
I’m sure I fit into your life somewhere. Don’t spend me all in one place or sell the house back on Kauai or in LA!
@ Jasmine. Ahhhhh . . . Jasmine. Such a delightfully pretty name–from the Persian cum Arabic name “Yasmin”, meaning “A gift from God.” Yes, a gift from God. That is, I’m sure, exactly how the Pipe crew feels about their Jasmine. A pretty fragrant flower ripe for their ritualistic picking. You see, Jasmine, the warmth you’re feeling in the presence of the Pipe Crew is likely emanating forth from their jovially wanton loins. (And, yes, I can only imagine that their collective warmth adds up to a total hotness.) The boys at UCLA, living in such close proximity to every imaginable species of flower–granted, not all are gifts from God, but most feign the role–surely are too distracted to recognize your blessed nature, your Aloha spirit if you will. Perhaps if your male classmates at UCLA better knew of your propensity for accepting the joviality and warmth of an entire crew of men, you would have true L.A. Aloha. Alas . . .
p.s. - CaliGirl fully sounds like a total little bimbo! Ch! Wait . . . did she even post on this thread?
“. . . you would have experienced true L.A. Aloha.” (Obviously, I didn’t attend UCLA.)
Lewis, Check this crap out:
Just when you thought SUPing was as bad as it can get. This is what happens when you cross a SUP+Goat Boater+Rollerblader. I did not know kooks could get this kooky. We need to take back the waves.
It’s pretty obvious the volcom crew rolled a few joints in PB holographic papers before the cameras started rolling. Now go try some airs at pipe, bra. Shouldn’t rasta be recycling these plastic holographic stickers into boardshorts? wtf? or does that launch spring 2010?
Holy shit. Just pulled a hybrid tobacco-hydro cone through my triple chamber bong with the power balance sticker on it and fired up the interweb. Then imagine my surprise when I learn that I have received runner-up comment of the week. KAPOW!!! - take that naysayers! Three successive random events which have defied God’s immutable laws of unlikelihood. Coincidence? I think not. It truly is, as they say in Poland, a “fait accompli”.
LOL!!!!
Perhaps… fingers crossed… the power balance just might be strong enough to straighten Jordy’s nipple out.
I am a pro blogger. It is how I get noticed for my surfing. I blog to show everyone how good I surf.
Lewis, you are such a queer with this new site. You seem like you have inspiration from Perez Hilton. You must take it in the ass while you write these blogs. You are a waste to the world. Do something to make this world a better place. Right now you are just rotting and wasting your energy bad mouthing the surfers. Talks cheap you fudge packer… fuck off.
oh my god.
i just discovered this blog today, and i see the light of surfing.
amazing what a world of products is waiting behind teh ocean for all surfers from europe.
power balance. what a big shit hole.
i am amazed how the future looks like.
I stumbled onto your blog and read a few post. I like your style of writing.
Let me tell you…totally my No.1 movie star right now. What an amazing superstar. Just wonderful!
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