Blasphemy Rottmouth’s Very Special Night with Alex Knost

Posted by lewis on August 12, 2009 at 11:11 am.

Editor's Note: Prolific PostSurf commenter Blashphemy Rottmouth has started his own show over at Mr. Rottmouth describes himself as "a humble fucker of pygmie tortoise husks."  I know very little else about him.  This is Mr. Rottmoth's first official contribution to


Single Fins and Safety Pins?

“Now, why in our precious Laird’s name, would a tedious song from a shoddy ‘THE STROKES cover band be ringing in my ears at this ungodly hour?”

This single thought permeated my exhausted mind. A shiver navigated the course my spine as I pulled the badger-skin trench coat closer to my moistening neck. I was cold. I was too cold to speak coherently without risking a chipped tooth from my chattering jaw. So cold, my joints refused to move without protesting vehemently. Rain continued its steady barrage on the asphalt all around. I warily eyed a feral beagle as it sifted through some curbside garbage across the street from the Circle K parking lot beneath my boot shod feet. Somewhere behind the convenience store, came the sound of a metal lid, slamming shut on a dumpster full of discarded Jack Daniels and Coors Lite boxes.

I glanced about nervously, looking for my wheels. “An ’84 Japanese import shouldn’t be hard to spot,” I surmised. But the jalopy was nowhere to be found through the sheets of rain on this dimly lit night.

Then a maddening thought occurred to me. “Where was I?” And more importantly, “how did I get here? Was the full flavored Newport dangling from my mouth lit by a stranger’s hand, or was it of my own volition?” I reached into my pocket and pulled out a wadded up piece of Kleenex with two words scrawled above a barely legible phone number. The word’s read: Alex Knost. “Hmmm, this is bizarre,” I contemplated quietly...



  • DoubleJ says:

    Am I first?

  • Shreddy Roosevelt says:

    Pseudo elitists? How about pseudo writers? The fact that BR gets props and attention for his senseless, non-funny ramblings makes me not want to visit this site anymore. He’s not controversial, he’s just a dork. And he was trying to quote Smoove B, a character from the Onion years ago, quite unsuccessfully. You not smoove, B! Also actually worships Knost, obviously, trying to shove his fat ass into some tight jeans in front of the mirror. Dude, go back to Finance.

  • The Nug says:

    Nice work BR.

    To borrow a line from Mel Brooks, “Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish, but it expresses a courage little seen in this day and age!”


  • The Hesher says:

    BR, a renaissance man for our times, able to flit effortlessly from magical story-telling, to name-dropping children’s books, to quoting H.P. Lovecraft.

  • bone an raized says:

    Laird in heaven!
    Hanalei needs BR. Get yur ass over here.


    BlasphemingfatassedRottenmouth vs. Hipster Homo surf dork. My money is on the dork.
    Try shock therapy to make one more intelligent…

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    BR is one twisted motherfucker. Genius.

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    Ok, not as twisted as BVB. But not everyone can be psychotic.

  • BrodyStylez says:

    I found it a little too abstract for my taste, but the picture of our Laird at the end was fuckin’ outta this world. Also, the word Levis looks a lot like Lewis.

  • funkman says:

    What the F is BR even talking about? This guy sucks.

  • i would have been first today but my pdanet trial on my iphone expired and i couldn’t get past websense.

    burn in hell DoubleJ!!!!

  • Dave Mailman says:

    After that word from the President of PS Land, something from the grand poobah at the ASP…

    …and if you read the comments, “showland” is the guy in charge of all the Billabong webcasts and has some interesting views.

  • Occy's Mum says:

    Y a a a a w n

  • Crusty Native says:


  • al says:

    lets get back to what a clown rastovich is

  • al says:

    alex knost doesn’t really deserve any attention, and if he wasn’t in a surf mag every once in a while nobody would know anything about him. judging by what i saw of him in step into liquid his dad is paying these surf mag guys to put him in the spotlight.

  • Thank you for the spot, Boss.

    You’re far too kind. Watching Butt Vibrator Bob’s head explode was worth every second.

    For those that get it, I thank you too. I hope to see you all soon, when we all eventually meet up at Mclean’s Insane Asylum, or perhaps the lunatic’s ward at Bellevue.

    For those that would prefer a more spoon-fed approach, then I apologize for wasting your time. And you can rest easy, as I don’t plan on maintaining a daily blog, and you most certainly don’t have to check it out when I do update.

    I’d rather let Lewis shoulder the heavy work while I comment here anyway.

  • Geo. Patten says:

    Dave Mailman. Again caught piping his agenda. Just like the shills Lewis pointed out in the last post. Yes, Dave, welcome to your demotion to the minor leagues.

    By thew way, Solid piece, BR.

    Very soild.

  • The Nug says:

    If you aren’t working on a novel, or don’t have one already written tucked away under the Cheez Whiz and urine stained twin mattress, I’m going to come down to the Newport Ghetto or wherever you’re at, bust in Gestapo style and shove a quill ink pen straight up your ass until you start pecking away at a typewriter. Schnell! And I promise all the Opium you can smoke.

  • Another fucked intellectual surfer says:

    Knost sucks, so does everyone who takes seriously the cut of their jeans and intentionally fucks up their haircut but:

    Not really credible writing.

    I commend BR being able to cite various cultural movements, a variety of literature, and pop culture satire in tallking shit, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say that it was artfully spun together.

    And in all honesty, the gay-bashing, even though Knost is the epitome of lame and we, as surfers, are the epitome of masculinity (hardly) makes you just look ignorant, regardless of the vocab and surf culture critique. It actually probably shows all of us that you’re also over forty (because anyone a generation younger in California who is educated has been schooled on not crossing that line in this day and age..Florida still gay-bashes openly, as does Hawaii).

  • Chris Cote says:

    I like Alex. And I like this story. BR is a wonderful writer.

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    “Chris Cote says:
    August 12, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    I like Alex. And I like this story. BR is a wonderful writer.”

    Wipe the cum off your face Chris.

  • brzzpgn says:

    so I understand that BR and Lewis are sucking each others dicks, okay…

  • brzzpgn says:

    and the nug wants to join the party

  • The Nug says:

    Brzzpgn? The only time Brazilian surfers don’t “claim it” is when they are sucking dick. It’s a well known fact Victor Ribas had an extrodinary vertical leap and had to use every millimeter of it when he sucked dick. Problem is he kept slipping off, so to speak, landing in the splits postion. Nomenclature experts and former ASP judges swear this is how he invented the “floater.” True story.


    Bizzle Blazinʻ from the ʻfrontʻere. EEEEEEEEE. SANTA BARBARA.
    Los Wasted
    Orange Vagina

    Yeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaa. Tag: Pelosi, cunt, megacreep…KKK town hall, conservative. SURFLINE. AGENT. BUTTLOVER. SANFRANPSYCHO.COMBVB Beach Patrol. Mitch. Barbi, Gidget. Ron Jeremy; key: mouth, hole, brown hole, psychotic, butt, dick, cock, blonde, mexican taco, ʻburger, meat, gas, comb, anus, uranus. butt, dick, cum, ring. Orange County, Huntington [ John]; deadbolt. Donk.
    Surfed Brazil early then did a Dora Mike prone out kook barney maneuver Rob Machacho style through to the inside where the pro television sat and the weinernet and the media has melded my brain into a blogging goof of a half man.
    Or half a man. I am pro. I surf Kauai and I know Laird and all the magazines.
    I know Lewis too - heʻs an operator, trying to break into the sphere.
    Look skyward fools.

  • Esera Tuaolo says:

    Someone had to do it.

    Alex, the first uncloseted pro surfer boy.

    Goo on him. I mean, good on him.

  • Kid Rock says:

    Let me guess, m f’ers.

    Knost has a twitter.

  • Que sera sera says:

    Blasphemy Rottmouth will be Blasphemy Rottmouth.

    Is it me or is the stuff about Alex Knost not even as funny or as good as at least 50 or more of B.R.’s comments on Post Surf?

    Looks like Lewis brings out the best. Master of Puppets.

  • Mitch-UserExp.Pro says:

    I’m new here. But…

    I am a User Experience Consultant, focused on ensuring ease of use through user research and iterative usability testing. Provider of usability consulting services and guidance in regards to usability methodologies, tools, and best practices.

    Being that I thought this was a surfing website, I could definitely offer a few tips.

    Well, see you in the water.

  • Bernstien says:

    apparently i am not smart enough to be a surfer. This is beyond retarded, lets get real. Please do not give crap like this light…

  • Dave Mailman says:

    Another (somewhat) funny spoof of the whole Battle of the Twin Tours things…

    Not to take any thunder away from BR (I’m a fan), but Que Sera Sera is right, BR is better taken in moderation.

  • surfcheck says:

    Thanks Mailman. Showland and MR make sense. Not sure about Brody Carr- he seemes to be playing the biggest game of craps ever.

  • Try Again says:

    absolute crock of shit, don’t even try and be funny. You are to whitty surf journalism what Jihad is to the tour

  • Get_tubed says:

    “I hope to see you all soon, when we all eventually meet up at Mclean’s Insane Asylum, or perhaps the lunatic’s ward at Bellevue.”

    If you KNOW you’re crazy…are you really crazy? You’re trying too hard, Cockmouth. Alex Knost is a polarizing figure but not an interesting one. He, also, is trying too hard. Warhol once said, “Don’t pay attention to what they write about you, just measure it in inches.” If your intention is notoriety through “inches,” he’s winning.

  • Huh? says:

    what is ‘whitty’?

  • A Dog of Winter says:

    Kem would be impressed! Can you keep it going for 400 pages?

  • Fat git says:

    Goddamn bum bandit, Al Knost is no better either…

  • Open and Affirming says:

    Okay, so who here hasn’t been a little ‘curious’ when watching a buddy change out of his wetsuit… hoping for a little towel slippage?

    Let’s not cast stones here people.


    No shortage of White, Brown, Asian, hippie, trustafarian, gay, lesbian homo transexual tattoo blazing, male earing wearing, butt chesting male flex art ʻsurfer with surfboard under the armʻ dudes and dudettes here.

  • Lewis "Donkey Boy" Samuels says:

    I am a pro blogger. It is how I get noticed for my surfing. I blog to show everyone how good I surf.

  • killedbydeath says:

    the only thing i gained from this dribble is that BR may be a schizophrenic and definitely has a homoerotic fascination with alex knost. if i were al i would look into a restraining order immediately. BR, that wasn’t even funny.

  • Bottom line says:

    What can you say? BR is a weirdo.

  • Team Stiffy says:

    Sometimes I think I don’t get it, and sometimes I think maybe I’m still playing the “perfect” drinking game. I think one of your power balance stickers fell off

  • Matto says:

    funny but would be better without all the words in it.

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