Comment of the Week: TurtleGate!

Posted by lewis on August 23, 2009 at 5:57 pm.

Comment of the Week goes to Browny's Reacharound (who probably could have won simply by virtue of his screen name alone... at least if you get the allusion to a Chris Brown Wraparound.)

browny's reacharound says: August 18, 2009 at 2:25 pm

I used to wake up, take a piss and pull up Surfline. I never read the editorial- i just checked out the cams to see if their hyped swell forecast was holding true. Lately, it’s PostSurf that gets the first look. My theory is that Lewis is still on Sean Collins’ payroll, because everyday his rants lead me back to Surfline- except now i actually read the stupid fucking editorial content! Lewis- are you part of a bigger conspiracy?

Well - am I part of a bigger conspiracy?  I wish I could answer that question directly.  But I fear that you can't handle the truth, and even if you could, speaking the truth would prove far too dangerous for both of us.

The best I can do is reveal some clues.  Make of them what you will.

turtle_boy_love_statue

August 17th, 9:01 PM: Steve Hawk, former editor of Surfer Magazine, sends me an email that reads "In case you haven't seen this..."

Attached to his email is the photo above.  The plot thickens.

August  20th: Courtney Love, trying desperately not to grow old, releases the following photo on her Twitter account.  The Sun publishes a story titled "Courtney's Turtle Lovin."  Andrew Mooney nods in approval.

courtney-love-turtle

August 21st, midnight: After consulting the Google, I discover that the Turtle Boy Love Statue revealed by Surf Illuminati Steve Hawk is located in Worcester, Massachusetts.  I board a red-eye flight headed for the East Coast.

The pieces of the TurtleGate puzzle swirl around in my alcohol-drenched brain:  Andrew Mooney, Mexico, turtle rape.  Mooney is from the NSW central coast, like Drew Courtney.  Drew is Ben Button,  Ben Button grows ever younger, Drew Courtney leads to Courtney Love, both desperate for youth...Courtney Love + Turtle = Turtle Love Statue...Steve Hawk leads me to the East Coast Turtle statue, Hurricane Bill hits the east coast as I arrive... Steve Hawk + Hurricane Bill = Hawksbill Sea Turtle... dear God, how far does this conspiracy go?

August 23rd, 7am.  As Hurricane Bill slams the eastern seaboard with significant-class surf, I find myself at the base of the Turtle Boy Love statue in Worcester.  As I stand there and and look upwards, I can almost hear the poor turtle's desperate screams, frozen forever in Bronze.  Then I look to the face of the Turtle Rapist of Antiquity, and another piece of the puzzle falls into place:

The Worcester Turtle Boy features the face of... Gary Propper, former East Coast Surfing Champion... Gary Propper, manager of Gallagher and the ever-young Carrot Top, and the producer of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

propper

Shock and awe.  The Worcester Turtle Boy statue was commissioned in 1904... which means Floridian Gary Propper is well over 100 years old.

DEAR GOD!  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

Ponce de Leon "discovered" Florida in 1513 while searching for the Fountain of Youth... could it be that Ponce De Leon discovered the key to ever-lasting youth, after all, in the turtle-rich waters of the Florida Coast?

Does raping sea turtles grant you IMMORTALITY?

84 Comments

  • The Nug says:

    Browny’s reacharound does have a pretty good theory. Lewis and Surfline in some grand conspricacy to drive web traffic. Also, I saw Courtney Love’s 17-year old daughter on TV last week and she did look like a tortoise.

  • Santa Barbara salt says:

    amazing how things work out some times

  • sad realization says:

    Not sure what you had before you wrote this last one, but whatever it is, I will have two. I reckon with Lewis’s unprecedented investigation into Turtlegate, god knows how he might fare if he were to investigate some of our countries infamous unsolved affairs.

  • bvbbvbvbv says:

    And. I am at a loss for readers.

  • Mike says:

    Immortal and Iconic….

    Case closed, Lewis exposed Turtlegate to it’s natural conclusion.

    Nice job dude, what about a midseason break Power Ranking? Oh, right, Kelly is out of the running and resurrecting turtle rape was too ripe to pass on.

    Managing Carrot Top and Gallagher… how could he have time to rape turtles…. things that make you go Hmmmmm………..

  • Smyrna Jeff's dog says:

    Blasphemy’s website is hard to read and unpatriotic.

    The hurricane was so killer, I surfed Jax at 20 foot on my SUP! Ok, 18 foot. Well, clearly over double overhead….. or really fun. Insane!

    Bark.

  • Forward Observer says:

    Its about TURTLES people. It is common knowledge that shooting turtle eggs in underground Mexican bars increases libido so one may have sex for 24 to 48 hours.

  • RYMB says:

    Lewis, curious what airline you flew on the red-eye?

    Have you ever had Turtle soup? A pet turtle, you know, the ones that swim in the turtle aquarium? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas or sheets?

    I suspect there is more to “Turtlegate” than Woodward and Bernstein stumbled upon with Watergate.

    Is there a “Deep Throat” in the “Turtlegate” conspiracy? If so, whom. And if it leads to Florida, how is Robert K. Slater connected to it all? Does all of this have something to do with the new tour?

  • Phil Mcockiner says:

    All this talk of TurtleGate has got me hungry for some green turtle soup.

    Str8 from grandma Mcockiner’s archives:

    Meat from one snapper turtle, cut in small pieces.
    Have knuckles broken into 2 inch pieces. Place
    knuckles in a roasting pan and add the butter or
    chicken fat, onions, celery, carrots, thyme, marjoram,
    cloves, bay leaf, salt and pepper. Bake at 400-F until
    brown. Remove from oven and add flour, mixing well and
    cook 30 minutes longer. Pour browned mixture into a
    large soup kettle, add the broth and tomatoes, and
    cook slowly for 3-1/2 hours. Combine the snapper meat
    with 1 cup sherry, some salt, the tabasco and lemon
    slices, and simmer for 10 minutes. Strain the soup and
    combine the two mixtures. Add the chopped egg and the
    balance of the sherry and serve immediately.

  • Doug Mcockiner says:

    Grandma Mcockiner was the best

  • Barry Mcockiner says:

    Hot damn, gimme some mo’

  • Ram Mcockiner says:

    ‘member when grandma took us witch hunting in Salem?

  • Richbzztch says:

    Oh Sheila, bro I was doing dishes and laundry like a good soul mate when I decided to take a break and check Postsurf. Unreal. Heavy shit for a future Ron Howard film for sho and it made my morning. I’m glad I know what’s really going down. Postsurf for investigative website of the year at the 09 Surfer Poll Awards. Any connections with Turtle Gate and the Cash for Clunkers government paper work debacle? Time will tell. Mahalo L.S.

  • Lewis, I applaud your hypothesis surrounding the Turtle Boy Love Statue; you were so close, but yet so far. I’m afraid you had only half the answer: Gary Propper’s face is also the face of the immortalized Turtle. In fact, as a teenage turtle, Gary Propper sold his turtle soul to the turtle devil for a life as a human . . . witness the anthropomorphized turtle mutation, or, as he has come to be known: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Andrew Mooney is a lowly shill whose plot to feign turtle behaviour–see this photo for what Mooney was going for: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:REDSLIDER01.jpg–to divert attention from the Gary Propper case failed miserably. You’re best off ignoring Agent Mooney’s picayune role in this whole affair and focusing your efforts on solving the real puzzle: figuring out where the Ninja factor comes into play. This is a little known fact, but the comic upon which TMNT was based was originally called “Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles.”

    You have opened a proverbial can of worms here Lewis; coincidentally, turtles feed on worms . . .

  • It appears my link was foiled by none other than the dastardly em dash!

    So, here’s the Mooney link sans em dash: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:REDSLIDER01.jpg

  • Dirty Whore says:

    “Propper has managed and directed the SKYROCKETING career of the comedian Carrot Top / Scott Thompson for the past 10 years.” Does that mean Propper is the one giving him the roids and supplements? Nothing is better for a comic’s career than big, veiny muscles. Just ask Joe Piscopo.

  • Stu says:

    If only Lewis would put as much effort into his surf writing as he does turtlegate. Still waiting for the AI lowdown, Lewis. Oh, wait, I quit.

  • Triump the Insult Comic Dog says:

    I know exactly what that tutle on top of Courtney Love’s head is thinking. Courtney Love is a great female artist…for ME TO POOP ON!

  • Dirty Whore says:

    Aren’t you supposed to say you can’t wait for the inevitable demise of postsurf RIP, I mean stu? Go watch TeamAmerica, bitch.

  • Dirty Whore says:

    Honestly, would you rather fuck Courtney Love or a turle? Close call.

  • Dirty Whore says:

    Wow. Even Bad Vibrator Bob thinks Lewis has gone off the deep end.

  • browny's reacharound says:

    just woke up… who’s chris brown?

  • The Nug says:

    Brown did a poor man’s version of Pottz wraparounds from Beyond Blazing Boards. Or was it one of the Wave Warrior flicks? Probably both.

  • browny's reacharound says:

    yes I remember- it was In The Wind (circa 1992?)
    chris brown and peter king in mexico set to TSOL…
    skinny occy in france set to marys danish…
    pre hippy donavan at salt creek set to nirvana…
    the finest jack mccoy billabong flick not made by jack mccoy ever!

  • Chuy Reyna says:

    Don’t you mean with ME and Peter King on Isla Natividad in Beyond Blazing Boards?

  • Crusty Native says:

    Never was’s commenting on has been’s and almost ran’s. Pure fuckery. Go surfing you clowns.

  • Alta Mont says:

    TurtleGates are lightweight, mobile, retractable barricades for crowd control requirements in all types of locations. They are affordable solutions to security control issues for both foot and street traffic. They are unique and long lasting.

    WTF?

    http://turtlegate.com/

  • “In The Wind” was also a fart fetish video put out by Shreddy Roosevelt’s girlfriend in 2003.

    I’ve masturbated to it roughly 274 times. But I always have to fast-forward past the part where Shreddy makes a cameo as Francois, The Blue Flame Fluffer.

  • Occy's Mum says:

    The plot thickens: http://turtlegate.com/

  • @ Occy’s mum: Read the post four above yours.

  • Has anyone ever understood one of Crusty Native’s comments?

  • L'Etranger says:

    “Mother always likes to wear turtle pins, for instance.” - Reverend Sun Myung Moon

    Hmmm . . . This may be the best find yet:

    1) Reverend Moon’s mother fancies wearing turtle pins.
    2) Followers of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon are referred to as “Moonies.”
    3) Andrew Mooney is hardly a variation on “Moonies”

  • “All your mystery are belong to me” - from Sister Turtle Hawk’s MySpace home page.

    Steve Hawk . . . Turtle Gate . . .

  • Mike says:

    @Stu…. I don’t think Lewis knows anything about AI.

    This is just conjecture, but AI choose a poor time to go on hiatus. He was a beast on coke and anger, but marriage and relative wealth have rendered him a domesticated pet for Lindy. Loosing a portion of the fortune to penny stocks (?) and finding himself a little bloated, AI’s weight loss will be the least of his challenges. The game moved on without him and he risks Billabong obsolesence as the economy tanks. If you were Billy Naude, who would you keep? Parko, Taj, or the retired guy attempting a comeback?

    The golden parachute sponsorship deals will evaporate once the CEO’s start feeling the pinch. The pro’s were just pawns anyway. Best career move would be to lob a call to Kelly and beg him for a spot on the new tour!

    Can’t wait to see what Lewis has to write about Alex Knost tomorrow! Or maybe a post about Fonzie jumping the shark….

  • Crusty Native says:

    @ BR “Only a surfer know the feeling”

  • Crusty Native says:

    ahem……………… “knows”

  • Stu says:

    Disagree, Mike. In fact, I KNOW Lewis hasn’t told the whole AI story. Your conjecture is spot on. I also agree that in a world of Dane, Jordy, Owen and Julian, AI will soon find himself forgotten (just like his brother, what’s his name). Now, back to the world of courtney love’s turtle puss.

  • trauzersnake says:

    How ’bout a story on Blasphemy Rottmouth’s backstage sexcapades with Rob Halford?

  • P.J. O'Rourke says:

    Ponce de Leon and his quest for a fountain of Youth. Interestingly, turned out to be nothing but a Fountain of Spew.

    After a few decades of bugginess, mugginess, and hurricanes, The Spanish could take no more, and threw in the towel. Selling all FLA land holdings to the Pommies.

    If it were not for the zero tax rates on income and property, FLA would still suck nothing but wind.

  • Mike says:

    Courtney Love’s turtle puss…. Mark’s new pen name. Nice, stu.

    Interesting that both Iron’s were so “over” the only thing they had going for them. Both pushed an eject button before strapping on the parachutes. “I’m so over being paid to travel and surf, I just want to spend some time with my family”. Happens in every sport, sounds good at the podium, then the oppressive boredom sinks in and the train has left the station without them.

    Just look at Favre. Insufferable quitter, like some Ally bammy hawaiian that used to post occasionally. Or often.

  • Stu says:

    no way, Mike, AI got to fly to Jersey for the “HUGE” Bill swell last weekend. What could be better than that?

  • Mary Mary says:

    @Mike: You’re high as giraffe nuts if you think even a bloated, domesticated A.I. is less valuable to Billabong than any of his stablemates. Heck, look at The Occ. He’s won only one world title, is as bloated, is equally domesticated, and is still worth his salt, I reckon. In fact, I’ll go out on a lofty limb and posit that Andy Irons is worth more to Billabong than at least two of his four “A-Team” counterparts: Taj, Joel, Occy, and Tiago . . . did I get that right? Whoa. I did. Seriously Billabong? Tiago and Occy constitute two out of five of your A-Team surfers? Yikes. Well, maybe Andy is even more valuable to Billabong than I imagined.

  • OCSN says:

    I understand Crusty Native. He kind of scares me; while not quite the philosopher you are Buttmouth, he wields a quick and steady pen whereas you meander and run amok boring your readers with quotes from learned books.
    What I donʻt understand is 92% of the surfer/surfing population. The only thing that matters here is the nature and commitment you or I might have to wave riding. The rest is posturing on a Hall of Fame surf blog, preening at the beach or worshiping false idols.
    Randy Rarick meets Stacey Peralta cross with Satan meets Sam Whorge cross Rob Muchacho meets Orange County snotty faced gerbil surf chiCk SUP NORCAL Buzzizzle Z A bong.com zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  • @OCSN,

    You could have saved 80 of those words, and just typed “I’m a retard,” and saved me 3 valuable minutes, but nooooo.

    It’s alright my friend. I don’t comment here for your benefit. I do it because I love watching unlearned folks froth while trying to parse thoughts together.

    Happy frothing!

  • Billa Wrong says:

    Eating Turtle Eggs = eating a Cumdumpster

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anZk8pZQXe8

  • crusty native says:

    BR it took you 3 minutes to read OCSN comments? http://www.evelynwood.com.au/

  • @Crusty Native,

    I’m almost embarrassed to admit that it did. But do not cast your stones in my direction so hastily. For it is through no fault of my own, that my parents neglected to teach me ‘gibberish’ as a child.

  • crusty native says:

    clever br..clever.

  • Mike says:

    AI is a world champ, 3X.

    When Billybongy decides to cull the team, past is not present. Occy is a continuing assest, hand him a mike.

    AI incurs the responsibility for elite surfing…. done publicly through whichever medium serves the corporate masters best. He has the talent. The will?

    Tiago????? Thanks Mary Mary for more effectively publishing Tiago’s sponsor than either Tiago or Billabong. You should be their marketing director.

    Do Brazilians even exist?

  • Mike says:

    Have nothing against Brazil, just commenting on the exclusion of a disproportionate amount of pros.

    They travel poorly, rub the wrong skins and have been abolished from mainstream corporate surfing…

    Good topic to spice up the turtle updates, Lewis. Once you run out of ideas.

  • @Mike,

    Brasilians do exist, mate. In the same way that the environment exists to Republicants. Out of sight, out of mind.

    Come to think of it, that’s the same way I view my masturbatory habits when the wife is out of town.

  • bone an raized says:

    @BR
    Wife????
    Jesus, what’s BR’s wife like?

  • trauzersnake says:

    @bone an raised

    his ‘wife’ is about 6′-2″ with short blond hair, wears leather and studs, is known to ride a harley out on stage, and has recorded such hits as ’screaming for vengeance’, hell bent for leather, and turbo lover.

  • Courtney Love's Turtle Puss says:

    Just thought I’d try on the handle to see how it fits. So far so good. Mike = correct on AI. He’s over.

  • kilgore trout says:

    dave mailman coming up in heat 12 of the azores islands pro…

  • OCSN says:

    Or sheʻs 52 years old, super tweaky thinned out blonde hair, small tits, drives an Escalade like a bat out of hell through the myriad of roads and access routes to the 405 freeway. She wears tighty whitey BVDʻs and Rottface sports a VS thong. BR drives a BIG 4×4 diesel truck, hangs a longboard out the back and every day surfs the ankle slappers @ San Clemente Beach State Park.

  • al says:

    ok, this is off topic but i just wanted to bring it up. every time i flip through a surf mag and see those pull in underwear ads i laugh. they are the ultimate in douchebaggery. however i was flipping through the latest issue of surfing and the underwear model in none other than lewis’s international man of mystery tim boal!!!

  • I just watched Mailman’s heat over at the Azores Pro. All I can say is, thank the Laird he is a nice guy.

  • The Rooser says:

    Kilgore Trout & BR is LS obvies.

    It’s August 25th. Is LS only posting every other day now?

    Lack of pay = apathy.

  • The Nug says:

    The Azores Pro, much like the Clamidia Open, sounds like it needs an ointment, or at the very least a suppository.

  • Keen observer of Azores WQS contest says:

    Mailman shralping !!

  • Mike says:

    Hey Stu…. I figured out what you’ve been pleading with Lewis to expose.

    Was Lewis Samuels Purple Heart of Journalism Medal (black eye) delivered by AI?

  • Courtney Love's Turtle Puss says:

    Not that I’m aware. It’s really just more on the true nature of AI’s alleged addiction issues and his overall inability to function without great assistance.

  • Mark's Inner Labia says:

    I am bored of Turtlegate. Now off to rip Kaiser’s.

  • trauzersnake says:

    ….Blasphemy Rottmouth as Deep Throat……and asshole.

  • Mike says:

    Dave the Mailman scores a 4.54!!!!! Yeah, Post surf! Does that mean that Dave is better than Phil McDonald???? Or Drew Courtney? Yes, quite simply, it does.

    Imagine the posts when Dave qualifies for the tour! Go Dave!

    Oh right, Kelly won’t invite him onto the real tour next year… damn.

    Well, now we know why Dave is so politically correct. Unless your two wave score beats the third place guys throwaway score, shut up and kiss ass.

    I think I speak for all of us here, Good on ya Dave and we are metaphorically carrying you up the sand now! USA, USA, USA, USA, USA!!!!!!! All in good fun frenchie… eeerrr American’t.

  • …Trauzersnake’s bitter that noone noticed him starring in that epic tranny porn ‘Look Who’s Tucking.’

  • Trauzersnake turned in an especially rousing performance in ‘You’ve Got Male.’ And that was BEFORE his seminal hit ‘Beverly Hills Cock.’ But not before his ‘Best Male in an all-male cast award for ‘Romancing the Bone.’

  • kilgore trout says:

    @ the rooser…
    I am NOT lewis samuels.
    or am i?
    did i read the term ‘douchewolfe’ on here? in reference to ‘that silvagni kid’?
    i did! its made out of plastic!!
    thankfully i dont surf with that silvagni kid everyday. but once or twice is way too much.
    i think i’ll drive by his house later and piss on his shrubbery.

  • jim jones ghost says:

    @Smyrna jeffs dog
    Jax surf sucks. It wasnt even that good Saturday.

  • All people deserve wealthy life time and personal loans or sba loan would make it much better. Because freedom is grounded on money.

  • generally, nicely, the truth hurts.

  • work at home says:

    Fascinating…and I agree with all of it. Keep up the excellent work…I will undoubtedly be back before long

  • While I recognize your position I can’t definitely accept what you have said here.

  • Oh boy, I adore Barbara . I hope she is doing well!

  • I love Barbara . How would life be without her! I hope that she is going to be better and better!

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