Comment of the Week goes to Browny's Reacharound (who probably could have won simply by virtue of his screen name alone... at least if you get the allusion to a Chris Brown Wraparound.)
browny's reacharound says: August 18, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I used to wake up, take a piss and pull up Surfline. I never read the editorial- i just checked out the cams to see if their hyped swell forecast was holding true. Lately, it’s PostSurf that gets the first look. My theory is that Lewis is still on Sean Collins’ payroll, because everyday his rants lead me back to Surfline- except now i actually read the stupid fucking editorial content! Lewis- are you part of a bigger conspiracy?
Well - am I part of a bigger conspiracy? I wish I could answer that question directly. But I fear that you can't handle the truth, and even if you could, speaking the truth would prove far too dangerous for both of us.
The best I can do is reveal some clues. Make of them what you will.
August 17th, 9:01 PM: Steve Hawk, former editor of Surfer Magazine, sends me an email that reads "In case you haven't seen this..."
Attached to his email is the photo above. The plot thickens.
August 20th: Courtney Love, trying desperately not to grow old, releases the following photo on her Twitter account. The Sun publishes a story titled "
August 21st, midnight: After consulting the Google, I discover that the Turtle Boy Love Statue revealed by Surf Illuminati Steve Hawk is located in Worcester, Massachusetts. I board a red-eye flight headed for the East Coast.
The pieces of the TurtleGate puzzle swirl around in my alcohol-drenched brain: Andrew Mooney, Mexico, turtle rape. Mooney is from the NSW central coast, like Drew Courtney. Drew is Ben Button, Ben Button grows ever younger, Drew Courtney leads to Courtney Love, both desperate for youth...Courtney Love + Turtle = Turtle Love Statue...Steve Hawk leads me to the East Coast Turtle statue, Hurricane Bill hits the east coast as I arrive... Steve Hawk + Hurricane Bill =
August 23rd, 7am. As Hurricane Bill slams the eastern seaboard with significant-class surf, I find myself at the base of the Turtle Boy Love statue in Worcester. As I stand there and and look upwards, I can almost hear the poor turtle's desperate screams, frozen forever in Bronze. Then I look to the face of the Turtle Rapist of Antiquity, and another piece of the puzzle falls into place:
The Worcester Turtle Boy features the face of...
Shock and awe. The Worcester Turtle Boy statue was commissioned in 1904... which means Floridian Gary Propper is well over 100 years old.
DEAR GOD! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
Ponce de Leon "discovered" Florida in 1513 while searching for the Fountain of Youth... could it be that Ponce De Leon discovered the key to ever-lasting youth, after all, in the turtle-rich waters of the Florida Coast?
Does raping sea turtles grant you IMMORTALITY?