My Role Model: Layne Beachley

Posted by lewis on August 27, 2009 at 1:48 pm.

Spoiler Alert!

Layne Beachley, cocky yet penis-free multi-world champion, has been eliminated from Australia's Dancing with the Stars.


After the crushing loss, Layne commented "Being eliminated from last weeks episode of Dancing With The Stars - or robbed depending on how you look at it - came as a shock and a much deeper disappointment than I would have ever imagined."

No, this is not a satire.  Layne actually said this - on her Syndey Morning Herald Blog, "Layne's World."  That last part incidentally is also not a joke - Ms. Beachley actually writes an inspirational blog for the Sydney Morning Herald - an otherwise moderately reputable grown-up's newspaper.

Layne noted that her loss was a "very unpleasant and unwelcome surprise" as she felt  "we saved our best dance and performance until last...We danced a beautiful routine to one of my favourite songs, Billy Joel's The Piano Man and my dress transformed me into a princess."

Again, these are actual quotes.  I wish I was making this shit up, but I ain't.

For those who watched the promo clip above - I'm not sure if Layne lost out before or after the blind guy with the frickin' seeing-eye dog.  What I do know: in Australia Ms. Beachley is sort of a big deal.  In another post from "Layne's World," she writes about the "The Price of Success":

"When I realised my ability to influence and inspire others, I acknowledged my position as a role model and accepted it with the knowledge that I would have to answer to those who look up to me. I have always prided myself on being a positive role model.

But what about the Paris Hiltons and Lindsay Lohans of the world?"

OK then, Snobby McCunterton.  Does Ms. Beachley think her fame-whoring shit don't stink, while that of Paris and Lindsay does?  Paris dates Benji Madden, Layne dates that guy from INXS, Lindsay dates coke and Samantha Ronson.  Everybody gets some press.  I don't know about you, but I'm sooooo sick of moralistic hypocrites discriminating against alcoholic fame-hungry sluts like Paris and Lindsay.


Other "Layne 's World" blog topics include dieting, chronic fatigue syndrome, the agony of adoption, and body image.  Seriously? Ladyfingers beats out Pauline Menczer for a few world titles and she's suddenly the new White Oprah?

On the body image thing: turns out low self esteem might have contributed to Layne's unjust Dancing with the Stars loss.  "My 37 year old hips and rotated pelvis were feeling far from sensual," Layne notes on her blog.  Turns out Layne struggled with similar body image issues in her surf career.  In fact, Ms. Beachley had liposuction at 24 in order to surf better.  I shit you not.

"Back in 1997, after years of intense training and strict dieting as a result of chronic fatigue syndrome, I was convinced that the only way I was going to achieve my perfect body shape was through cosmetic surgery.

"I underwent this dramatic and intrusive procedure because I saw my body image and performance in the water as inextricably linked.  If I felt more confident about the way I looked then I was more likely to perform well in the waves."

Turns out she was right - the year after getting liposuction on her thighs, Layne went on to win her first of 7 world titles!  Certainly this inspiring story sends the right message to little girls out there.

Thank you for being a role model, Layne.

You are the wind beneath my wings.


  • Yeah, Bitch! says:

    First!! You two-timing tangerine-tonguing tullip worshippers!!!

  • trauzersnake says:

    I respect Layne. She has both more length and Girth than the Trauzer. I don’t know what else to say…..except maybe, uh….

    crusty native=cumdumpster

    BTW, does Yeah,Bitch! get e-mail alerts or something??

  • D-BYTE says:

    ‘The new white Oprah’……LMFAO. Layne has always been a very generous target for some good ol’ mud slinging. Lewis, you disgust me! hahahahha

  • Lance says:

    Really “Dancing With the Stars?” … Really?

  • Bede Durbidge says:

    Up yours Yank! We should have won! By the way, don’t I look hot?

  • I have the utmost respect for Layne. He’s the consummate professional. He always treats the other ladies on tour with respect, even though he could easily overpower them as they sleep in their bunks. AND, he was the first lady to catch a massive wave at ‘Ours.’ When it comes down to it, we could all go the low route and deliver funny lines about his nose or small chest. However, those are his Laird-given attributes… and we all know how ladies can react to such criticisms.

    No, we should only be critiquing his superb form and ruthless ability to vanquish other lady surfers in contests. In that regard, he has no equal. Indeed, he has often surfed with the poise and balance of a lady who had three legs. Ladies fear him, and men respect him. It’s a shame he didn’t make it further in that show I’ve never seen before - but I’m sure his strength and determination carried through to the viewing audience all over Australia as an inspiration to ladies everywhere.

    And with that, I’ll take the high road that I’m accustomed to, and refrain from making any gutter-jokes that would question Layne’s inherent lady-like masculinity.

    Cheers to you, champ!

  • Lol @ Mo’s link.


  • trauzersnake says:

    Compared to yesterday’s photos, my hips and rotated pelvis are feeling less than sensual too. My cock has grown limp and flaccid and my balls are like earl-grey t-baggs. This sucks.

  • jim jones ghost says:

    I’m not gay or anything but that guy has a nice butt.

  • Dirty Whore says:

    Can someone please confirm that Jamie Lee Curtis was born with both male and female genetalia? And if that is the case, does that mean I was gay when, as a teenager, I watched her bouncing boobies in Halloween and wanted to pork her?

  • Bede Durbidge says:

    Thanks Jim Jones Ghost! Yes, Dirty Whore, you are gay. So are you Jim Jones Ghost. But still, thanks.

  • trauzersnake says:

    I wonder if that dude can fart cum like BR?

  • Dirty Whore says:

    How much would you pay to watch Layne Beachley mud wrestle Alana Blanchard? Ms. Blanchard’s bottom turn would serve her well in mud.

  • Stranger Than Fiction says:

    What is the antidote to moral hypocrisy?

  • Dirty Whore says:

    I bet anytime someone pulls out a box of cocoa puffs around Coco Ho, the place erupts with laughter. I bet the same is true when someone calls a girl a “ho” in Ms. Ho’s presence. Pure hillarity.

  • Layne's Mountain Oysters says:

    Layne’s balls are gift from god bestowed on us Earthlings. Her Mountain Oysters are delectable and nutritious. Laird likes them too. Sometimes he cups them or places them delicately in his mouth. He plays games and pretends he is Marlon Brando in the Godfather. They are warm. Like Hot and sour soup. Extra MSG and salt.

  • Dirty Whore says:

    You are one sick bastard, Layne’s Mountain Oysters. You Beachley ball-gargling freak.

  • Dirty Whore says:

    I for one would pay a week’s wages to watch Alana Blanchard fight Coco Ho inside a giant bowl filled with Cocoa Puffs. As soon as the fighting commenced, a giant container of milk would spill liberally upon them. The best part would be when the milk turned chocolatey. They could webcast that shit live with GT behind the mic.

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    Well, if it hasn’t already been established, Layne is full of herself and I believe Mr. Samuels did a stellar job of pointing that out. That Snobby McCunterton (sp?) is just not sporting, is she? he? she? It’s just not cricket!

    The way the Aussie press carry on about her, it’s no wonder she believes that her feces has no aroma. In Australia, the “Dancing With The Stars” thing is big stuff. But talk about poor sportsman…I mean poor sportswomanship! Jeez!

    And what about poor Kenny Bradshaw? The one whom taught her to ride the wild surf? Does she spare a thought for him? No! Discarded like Chris Cote’s butt plug after a whirlwind tour of the OC’s hot spots with the “Raquel Entertainment Media Girls” and the Transgender Surf “corpo card” where he too was heard to say, ‘and my dress transformed me into a princess”. Just like Layne!

    Layne Beastly can surf (check Mo’s vid link above), but who fucking cares.

    And Dirty Whore, the truth about Jamie Lee. She is not a hermaphrodite.

  • I would gladly siphon 3 months of Trauzersnake’s salary into an off-shore bank account for Alana, if she would afford me the supreme privilege of listening to her pet poodle make a doodie in her mother’s flower bed.

    And I’m not even joking.

  • Standards says:

    And by “her mother’s flower bed”, he means his open mouth.

  • Indeed, I would gladly accept that steaming pile into my salivating throat…

    …I’d do it for the children.

  • Shreddy Roosevelt says:

    You are the wind beneath my seat.

  • You are the wind beneath my schwien.

  • “…my dress trannysformed me into a princess.”

  • “Back in 1997, after years of intense trannying and strict dieting as a result of chronic fat guy syndrome, I was convinced that the only way I was going to achieve my perfect boner shape was through cosmetic surgery.”

    And there you have it folks.

  • “I underwent this dramatic and intrusive procedure because I saw my boner image and performance in the sack as inextricably linked. If I felt more confident about the way I was hung then I was more likely to perform well in bed.”

  • Crusty Native says:

    holey fucking fuckery

  • Richbzz says:

    Fucking speechless….. Post of the month also L.S.

  • Richbzz says:

    Intense trannying, that is the most awesome shit ever right there B.R. Totally fucking awesome.

  • Occy's Mum says:

    This is the fucking shit! And Yeah, Bitch! scores another one. Solid solid SOLID. Kinda like the poop Layne dropped this morning. That chick fucking rules mate.

  • daveyjoneslizard says:

    excuse my drug-addled brain for not remembering the source, but i know i saw a vid a couple years back–perhaps on surfline (i know, i know)– some indo trip and of layne and ken canoodling and layne repeatedly claiming all the glorious sex that they had. talk about the dance of the fucking thunder lizards. that shit always creeped me out, what with him looking like the nose tackle for the chicago bears and her looking like, well, a tall englishman. shiver me timbers. also, to heap on well-deserved praise– without valley girl acronyms– exquisite stuff, samuels.

  • el dedo sin uña says:

    Not a surprise that Layno is still in contention for the world title of self promotional jizzbag of the year. You have not heard the last from Manlyness Beach’s own. Dancing I don’t think so but look out during the squat-thrust-athon where she won’t have to depend on anything but pure instinct.

  • Mr. Garrison says:

    Oh yeah! Sciccor me timbers!

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    While discussing Layne’s being kicked off “Dancing With The Stars” with my mate on the Gold Coast, he mentioned that maybe if Layne was partnered up with Westerly Windina (formerly Peter Drouyn) they could be the program’s comeback queens.

  • Dirty Stinkin' Whore says:

    Bede Durbidge is hoping to increase his chances on a world title through osmosis by rubbing up against above featured man cougar with “world titles”.

  • Dirty Stinkin' Whore says:

    Sadly, he doesn’t realize the only way to ingest Layne’s competitive prowess is, as Layne’s Mountain Oysters duly noted, through “cupping Layne’s balls or placing them delicately in his mouth.”

  • lieshere says:

    sharpen up. layne baiting is too easy and she’s much less of a c*nt than many, many, more worthy targets. this blog will get boring unless i get the thrill of taboos broken, holy cows slaughtered and feeding hands bitten.

  • @lieshere

    I fucked your mother today… and it didn’t matter that much to me.

    Is that taboo enough for you? ‘Cuz I’m looking for another blog subject.

  • Mark says:

    Layne’s dance partner has nice buns.

  • Dave says:

    @BR - I thought your blog was already focused on the old-man-lusting-after-young-guys taboo.

  • @Dave,

    No. My Blog is focused on those whose witless humor extends beyond the tiniest pubes on their ingrown shaft hairs.

    Perhaps someday you’ll join us.

  • timboal says:

    how do you come up with this stuff!

  • Mark says:

    Mark @ 11:29 pm aug. 27th wasnt me. . And is it just me or does that dude look kind of like Cambo?

  • Mike says:

    Mark, you are now commenting on men’s butt’s? How do we know Mark @7:23 isn’t Smyrna? So confusing all of your split personalities.

    As for the Beast….. insufferable. Even in Oz, hard to believe anyone takes her seriously. No grace in winning, no dignity during defeat. And a blog to catch it all!

    Technology is creating third person realities in ego’s run amok. I’ve written it before, there are so few “interviews” in surfing that it’s not worth the effort. Makes NBA crims sound articulate.

  • Chris Cote says:

    Layne Beachley hates me more than the post surf message board groupie guys do. That’s actually kind of cool.

  • scott from kauai says:


    ‘BTW, does Yeah,Bitch! get e-mail alerts or something??’

    Basically. Just subscribe to the RSS feed, at the top on the right, you just need an RSS reader. the little bastard is prolly is subscribed to the rss on his creapy iphonamegig.

  • Layne's Mountain Oysters says:

    @Chris Cote
    That’s because Layne’s jealous of your salty-ball gargling technique. Your style is more Brazilian. You claim it, flash peace sings and shakas. Your glasses get steamy while you pump your fists. Layne is more reserved. She requires no glasses. She doesn’t like to brag or claim. She likes to lay back and let her Oysters do her taking for her.

  • OCSN says:

    Layne surfs better than all of you. BIg Sunset and ripping right there next to BVB and Allen Sarlo.
    The fascination, ON THIS MALE DRIVEN WEBSITE, with crass, disgusting, immature, ʻlittle boy DISCOVERS PENIS bullshit is alarming.
    Trauzerskanke, if I ever meet you I will beat you senseless with my SUP. Buttrott, same goes for you - today you will have four flat tires. I know who you are, where you live and yesterday I was actually standing right behind you you fat troll.
    Lewis: Keep it going, this rocks!

  • So THAT’s who was drawing hearts on my bare back with his exposed genitalia as I checking the surf yesterday.

    Guess I’m never paddling out at Silver Strands ever again.

  • Guess I’m too hung over to type this morning. I better go back to bed.

  • Billa Wrong says:

    @ BS…horrible tragedy for this guy’s family. God bless him

    Now as for the fuckwit teaching a beginner in hurricane surf…Off with his head!

    And for the quote by Mrs. Nathanson, very poor taste of language.

    “Andy had absolutely no fear, and he loves being in the ocean,” Mrs. Nathanson said. “The ocean for him has always been his powerful call — he could body surf all day and stay in the water until everybody else was blue in the face.

    uhhhmmm….ouch! Sounds like she just might be Lewis in drag.

  • Heinz Phillips says:


    I thought this was a very mean post. I would like an apology from you. I would also like you to send an apology to Layne. I would also like you to send an apology to Jimmicane for any derogatory comments about him posted on your blog. His coverage of Hurricane Bill was excellent and should be eligible for a Pulitzer. You should study his work. It may help with your blog.

    Best regards,


  • Courtney Love's Turtle Puss says:


  • Greg Noll's Beer Belly says:

    There’s a womans world tour?

  • Mike says:

    Cote always finds his silver lining…..

  • BrodyStylez says:

    @ Billa Wrong

    I think all surf instructors should be killed. It is possible for a person to learn to surf, but it is impossible for one to be taught to surf. Much like making love.

    We should band together and make an accredited institution for surf instructors and demand standardized certification for the industry. All to often camp operators stick any fuckface who claims to know how to surf and put them in charge of a gaggle of hapless kooks, often resulting in death.

    How can beginners tell the difference if their instructor is a kook? They don’t know shit about surfing anyway. Furthermore, I request all surf camp operators have Layne’s 8 inch clit nearby in case a beginner gets in over their head and needs something to grab on to, and her sperm-producing labia to help with flotation.

  • @Brodie Stylez 12:52,


    We could use more commentary like yours on these threads.

  • trauzersnake says:

    Jesus, I guess I’m not making any fucking friends around here: OCSN’s gonna beat me senseless with his SUP, BR wants to siphon my fucking salary-and by siphon he means “suck really hard” and by salary he means salty, chunky trauzerchowder……pffffffft!!

  • Jesus says:

    I’m so sick of people complaining to me that they’re not making friends. Quit acting like a fucking douche then. And athletes, quit praying before events. I don’t give a holy squirt of piss about how you finish.

    Oh yeah and trauzersnake=cumdumpster.

    Peace be with you. Bitches!!!!!!

  • The Devil says:

    As you probably know, me and Jesus don’t agree on much. But I can confirm that trauzersnake=cumdumpster. See ya soon Blasphmey.

  • Jesus says:

    Leave it to the devil to misspell blasphemy

  • There are some uproariously funny posts here. Fucking brilliant!

  • God says:

    What did I tell you, Jesus? One more time and you’re gong back down with the rest of the peeons. I might even send you as an A-rab girl this time. Or a turtle.

  • trauzersnake says:

    Hehehe. I knew somebody would call me a cumdumpster eventually. I’m glad it was a couple of important guys! Thx Jesus, lord, savior, and all that good shit! Hey BR, I just gave my salary to Jesus…..Fuck you!!!

  • Aetheist says:

    Hmmm. God is a racist. Interesting.

  • Hater says:

    If it makes for hotter ass I’m all for the lipo.

  • Hater says:

    @ atheist: The Almighty is indeed a racist and a hater - he’s a vengeful motherfucker unless you’re a member of his flock or one of his shepherds (haven’t you seen Pulp Fiction?)

    But so long as you’re sucking his choad you’ll be fine. Land of milk and honey, streets of gold, eternal life and salvation and all that…

  • SGT. Cock says:







  • Heinz Phillips says:

    How did you decide to go with Sergeant Cock over Major Dick or Captain Weenus?

  • Lmfao @ Sgt. Cock

    I am Blasphemy Rottmouth, YOUR senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewer will be SIR. Do you maggots understand that?

    Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Sgt. Cock, IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!

    Sgt. Cock, I’m gonna give you three seconds; exactly three-fucking-seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you! ONE! TWO! THREE!

  • I love that movie with all my heart.

  • saya suka mie... says:

    i like noodles alot

  • lazer® says:

    I once knew a guy who told me that one of his friends had taken Layne Beachley out on a date. As the story goes, the guy (his name was Melvin, if my memory serves me) had seen Layne’s profile on and had sent her an invite via email. She accepted after a few days of meaningless internet back-and-forth, so he went to pick her up one sweltering August night at 8:15 PM.

    Apparently, Melvin showed up at 8:19 PM (four minutes late as was customary), whereupon the two headed out to the Outback Steakhouse on his motor scooter. Layne was dressed in a classy Renaissance-era ballroom gown and garter belt, while our guy Melvin had on a classy ensemble consisting of white leather pants, a woolen turtleneck, and purple Crocs. They shared a shouted conversation on the ride to dinner, muffled in part by their matching Hell’s Angels motorcycle helmets. After arriving at the Outback, Melvin parked the scooter in valet while Layne made seating arrangements. After ordering drinks, they settled down into a romantic side-booth lit by the glow from a fake candle and several giant fireflies.

    Here’s where the story gets a little strange. Word has it that Layne, after imbibing in several Irish Car Bombs, divulged her interest in the occasional nocturnal penile-rectal exploration, provided it was with a caring, gentle partner. Melvin, himself drunk off Mickey’s tallcans, immediately paid their check and swept Layne out the revolving doors of the Steakhouse, leaving their barely-touched dinner atop the faux wood table. Melvin had ordered the pain-au-chocolat, while Layne had opted for a rare ribeye steak with garlic mashed potatoes. Weaving slightly, they mounted his scooter and fairly flew back to his apartment.

    During the ride back, as my friend recalls, Melvin was slightly perturbed by a poking sensation incurred whenever Layne rocked forward, but not nearly enough to put him off his task. Ms. Beachley, by all accounts, was smitten by the olfactory combination of Melvin’s Brüt cologne and Axe Hairgel to the point of removing her protective helmet and burying her pronounced honker into his lower back. This, at least, was what Melvin told himself as he wove through the evening traffic.

    Once they reached his apartment, both with eyes glazed over with passion and alcohol, all pretense of hesitancy and awkwardness was thrust aside. Layne immediately went for the KY jelly, while Melvin prepared himself mentally with a hasty Chongg-Ra meditation session in hopes of extending his tantric love-prowess. They hastily undressed, turned to each other, and proceeded for the following two hours to argue over who would penetrate whom first. For the first time the encounter had the potential to turn sour, but with sheer strength of character and will both were able to overcome their initial distress and enjoyed a night filled with mutually-appreciative spelunking, further testament to both Layne’s gender-ambiguous beauty and Melvin’s drunken stupor.

    Like I said, this is all hearsay, but it’s a beautiful story and one I personally cling to in my moments of despair.

  • @Lazer 6:06pm

    Clap… clap… clap…

    Clap.. clap.. clap.. clap.. clap



  • God says:

    Remember when BR got caught lifting his posts from the web? I do. That was funny.

  • JB says:


  • @God,

    Remember when you forgot to save those millions of Jews in World War II?

    Or, that time when you forgot to protect the World Trade Centers?

    And that other time, when you forgot to leave the door open for Taj’s Burrow and he brayed all night until you finally quit masturbating to King James’ corpse long enough to let the poor ass in?

    I do.

    It wasn’t all THAT funny.

  • Bede Durbitch says:

    I know this is for the gays and all, but is that Siegfried or Roy Layne’s dancing with?

    One of them got mauled by a Liger, but strangely enough, it’s still hard to tell which one.

  • Occy's Mum says:

    lazer® is my mother fucking hero.

  • Outer Membrane says:

    speaking of androgynous aussies…while watching the Tom Carroll interview in “History of Pipeline Masters” (sic) @ the brazilian carpet cleaners house last nite, it occured to me that Tom is a very soft spoken little fellow w/tight t-shirts and a siamese cat w/beautiful blue eyes to boot….

    you guys are seeing the light, kind of like embarassed (but unknowing)fan’s of male-focused porn quietly switching to female-focused……

  • Outer Membrane says:

    ……and the satisfied owner of a siamese cat…….

  • Boobs says:

    Lisa anderson has fake boobs too.

  • Piece o' my heart says:

    @ B.R. at 8:29 pm

    Have a nice time in hell mr. Mouth.

  • Mike says:

    Lazer, that story went nowhere… but Blasphemy’s heart. May you both share your common fantasy.

    Occy’s Mum was feigning entertainment, I hope.

    Sgt Cock is way funnier, though he attacks Lewis’ patron saint of inebriated deviancy.

    Good clean fun.

  • Dennis says:

    too bad layne never got any work done on her face

  • mike says:

    about 10 years ago at the US Open Layne was coming in from a heat. A little girl not older than 10 came running up for an autograph and said “Layne you were ripping”. Layne thought for a second and replied with “yeah I was wasn’t I…”. No lie. I was right there.

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