Layne Beachley, cocky yet penis-free multi-world champion, has been eliminated from Australia's Dancing with the Stars.
After the crushing loss, Layne commented "Being eliminated from last weeks episode of Dancing With The Stars - or robbed depending on how you look at it - came as a shock and a much deeper disappointment than I would have ever imagined."
No, this is not a satire. Layne actually said this - on her Syndey Morning Herald Blog, "
Layne noted that her loss was a "very unpleasant and unwelcome surprise" as she felt "we saved our best dance and performance until last...We danced a beautiful routine to one of my favourite songs, Billy Joel's The Piano Man and my dress transformed me into a princess."
Again, these are actual quotes. I wish I was making this shit up, but I ain't.
For those who watched the promo clip above - I'm not sure if Layne lost out before or after the blind guy with the frickin' seeing-eye dog. What I do know: in Australia Ms. Beachley is sort of a big deal. In
"When I realised my ability to influence and inspire others, I acknowledged my position as a role model and accepted it with the knowledge that I would have to answer to those who look up to me. I have always prided myself on being a positive role model.
But what about the Paris Hiltons and Lindsay Lohans of the world?"
OK then, Snobby McCunterton. Does Ms. Beachley think her fame-whoring shit don't stink, while that of Paris and Lindsay does? Paris dates Benji Madden, Layne dates that guy from INXS, Lindsay dates coke and Samantha Ronson. Everybody gets some press. I don't know about you, but I'm sooooo sick of moralistic hypocrites discriminating against alcoholic fame-hungry sluts like Paris and Lindsay.
Other "Layne 's World" blog topics include dieting, chronic fatigue syndrome, the agony of adoption, and body image. Seriously? Ladyfingers beats out Pauline Menczer for a few world titles and she's suddenly the new White Oprah?
On the body image thing: turns out low self esteem might have contributed to Layne's unjust Dancing with the Stars loss. "My 37 year old hips and rotated pelvis were feeling far from sensual," Layne notes on her blog. Turns out Layne struggled with similar body image issues in her surf career. In fact, Ms. Beachley had liposuction at 24 in order to surf better. I shit you not.
"Back in 1997, after years of intense training and strict dieting as a result of chronic fatigue syndrome, I was convinced that the only way I was going to achieve my perfect body shape was through cosmetic surgery.
"I underwent this dramatic and intrusive procedure because I saw my body image and performance in the water as inextricably linked. If I felt more confident about the way I looked then I was more likely to perform well in the waves."
Turns out she was right - the year after getting liposuction on her thighs, Layne went on to win her first of 7 world titles! Certainly this inspiring story sends the right message to little girls out there.
Thank you for being a role model, Layne.
You are the wind beneath my wings.