PHOTO DISPATCH: TEEN CHOICE AWARD BOARDS

Posted by lewis on August 29, 2009 at 9:51 am.

As the naughties grind towards their inevitable close, the time has come to take stock of the decade and consider the progression of surfing since 2000.

Surf Culture has blossomed and grown strong since the millennium.  What better way to chart this development than through the progression of Teen Choice Award board design?

2000

2000: The stock-standard thruster has been finely-tuned into a high performance machine via two decades of collaboration between Al Merrick and the world's best surfers: Tom Curren and Kelly Slater.  Hardcore surfers like Britney Spears are ordering their Teen Choice Award boards at 6'0" x 18.25" x 2.25".  Not visible: Britney's soon-to-develop cheeto-rich hips, and the vestigial Merrick hip present in the back third of this high- performance template.

Stefani, Gwen

2001: The Teen Choice Awards soldier on, despite the recent tragedies of Septemeber 11th.  Event promoters are rumored to remark, "The Teen Choice Awards are America: and like our great nation, they are worth dying for."  Driven by nostalgia, award board design alludes to the halcyon days of 1980s, when Curren was king and Ronald Reagen benevolently watched over us all.  Gwen Stefani invokes the flag of our great nation in her choice of bikini top and belt; her award board features a flatter rocker, fuller rail, and slight swallow tail.

20022

2002: Influenced by the recent dominance of blond Hawaiian powerhouse Andy Irons, Britney Spears' award board features a Hawaiian flower print, an Eric Arakawa inspired single-to-double concave and a slightly gunnier outline, with less volume present in the nose.  Still recovering from her devastating break-up with Justin Timberlake, Britney adds two inches to her standard award board to help with paddling and stability through backside bottom turns.

2003

2003: As Kelly Slater returns to form and challenges Andy Irons for the world title, Hollywood is once again smitten with low-volume rocker chips.  Dominant douche-riders like Ashton Kutcher go as small as 5'9" x 17" x 1.75" in an attempt to slipstream a little of Kelly's magic slipper mojo.  By all accounts, the lack of volume in award board equipment challenges most top Teen Choice Award recepients.

2004

2004: Thin is in.  Influenced by celebutards Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, thickness stays under 2 inches on most award boards, but length is increased by at least 4 inches on average.  Swallow tails make a comeback, as Ms. Hilton notes that the term "swallowtail" sounds "so hot," as opposed to the term "square tail."  Their lifelong friendship strained by working relations on The Simple Life, Ms. Ritchie is rumored to in fact call Ms. Hilton "a dirty swallowtail" in the wake of Ms. Hilton's sex tape.

2005

2005: In the wake of the shut-down of Clark Foam, many core celebrities begin experimenting with alternative epoxy construction in their award boards.  Rachel McAdams finds success via a stringerless, parabolic-railed epoxy composite with FCS fin system.  Due to security concerns, fins are not included in Teen Choice Award boards.

2006

2006: In a return to the elegance and restraint of old-Hollywood, key new performers such as Rihanna opt to leave swallowtails behind and embrace square tails.  Computer-shaping machines allow celebrities like Rihanna to duplicate magic boards, like the Tex-Mex 6'1" pictured above.  After a flood of complaints, fins are again included on award boards.  Little does Rihanna know... finless will be hip soon enough.

2007

2007: The green trend begins in earnest, spurring environmentally conscious young celebrities like Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron to change the design of their award boards.  Both Ms. Hudgens and Mr. Efron choose to ride highly toxic polyurethane-based equipment.  However, they note that inspired by "An Inconvenient Truth," they have opted to use green rails on their award boards.

2008

2008: As surf culture becomes ever-more environmentally conscious, core performers like The Jonas Brothers opt for wood-based award boards.  The Jonas Brothers, inspired by craftsman/shaper Danny Hess, rely on perimeter-framed cork and poplar with wood-skinned decks.  In a tip of the hat to Tom Curren and Tom Carroll, award boards feature the acronym TC instead of Teen Choice.

2009

2009: Green and Retro are in.  Despite their glamor and beauty, core "it" girls like Megan Fox choose down-to-earth user-friendly designs. Ms. Fox's award board features a traditional fish template inspired by the work of Skip Frye.  For the first time in Teen Choice history, twin fins push aside thrusters as the fin set-up of choice.  In order to preserve the environment for future generations, all award boards are painted green.

48 Comments

  • Numero Uno says:

    Forget boards. Let’s talk broads. I’ll ride Megan Fox.

  • BrodyStylez says:

    A little known fact is that Ashton Kutcher once pursued a degree in biochemical engineering, but couldn’t seal the deal, likely due to hollywood calling his name. He can be spotted ripping Salt Creek on even numbered weekend days on the aforementioned 5′9″.

  • trauzer's snake says:

    third…or 2nd loser

  • buccaneer says:

    lewis samuels working foe stab mag. at trestles. lets see if he can hold on to this job! huzza

  • buccaneer says:

    oops thats working FOR stab

  • Can Kicker says:

    Ultra Celebrity Fuckery.
    Pop Culture Black Anus.

  • winner says:

    I wonder if anyone has ridden a teen choice board?

  • Mike says:

    Lewis at Lowers?

    Better prepare for another Purple Heart of Journalism Award (black eye).

  • SmudeDogg says:

    I have seen people waling down the street in Beverly Hills with teen choice awards under their arms. True story.

  • SmudeDogg says:

    Oooops, walking^. I hope my poor spelling didn’t damage my credibility.

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    ^

    What credibility?

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    I’m voting for Megan the Fox as my Teen Choice ride and her Steve Lis created fish that inspired Skip Frye that Megan the Fox would give me after I rode her like Mooney rode that turtle.

    There’s almost as much plastic in the Pacific as there is at the Teen Choice Awards. http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25993370-401,00.html

  • Jamon Bagel says:

    OK, teen choice, yeah. Let’s get to something important. Today at my local reef it was small, with a few fun set waves. Every single one of those waves went to some guy on an SUP with a flat-top haircut and bony forehead ridge. Bastard wouldn’t even split a peak. When Hammy suggested, very civilly (as polite sandwiches always do) that Cro-Magnon consider splitting a peak, given his paddling advantage, Cro Magnon lost his shit. Complete asshole. Save you the story: in short, he believed he was entitled to whatever he could catch, and fuck everyone else.

    Upon further reflection, Hammy has concluded that there are too many Cro-Magnons out there. Far from being a funny/annoying trend practiced mostly by those who can’t hold their own on a surfboard, the SUP phenomenon in fact represents the greatest-yet threat to surfing as we know it. The Cro-Magnon cannot begin to conceive of sharing waves, he only knows more/more/more. It will reach a point where anyone who wants a wave will have to bust out a broom and go for it, mannequin-style, on a fucking skiff.

    This is urgent, people. I see only three options:

    1) Unified group enforcement of surfing etiquette and wave quotas. Not likely to happen, given most surfers individualistic tendencies and conflict-avoidance pathologies. Even if practiced, this method will result in fisticuffs and law-enforcement intervention at some point. Which may lead to #3, which would be good.

    2) Everyone SUPs, except when there’s real waves and no channel. Kill me now.

    3) We band up, take advantage of the “vessel” designation, and get these things banned. I hate to go the route of legislating something out of existence, but I don’t see a better option. Laws shouldn’t exist at all…they have to because Cro-Magnon fuckwits invevitable trample others’ rights if you let them. So sorry to the few Suppers who have manners, but this issue is too important to help y’all out. SUPs are a tool that mostly falls into the wrong hands, and WILL be used to completely fuck surfing as we know it. If we let it happen.

    So who’s got law chops, and how do we start? This shit is important. The longer we wait, the harder it gets…

  • Jamon Bagel says:

    PS, it’s hard for a sandwich to really judge these things, but seems to me that if you just look at the face, Megan Fox might be a dude.

  • Pam The Bookstore says:

    bravo! bravo!
    http://www.madamal.com

  • Rip Torn says:

    Thanks, Pam The Bookstore says [sic]. But now I feel really dirty after seeing Lauren Hutton’s 65-year-old nipples.

  • Richbzztch says:

    Yo Swine Bagel, no offense but if you were having that much trouble with SUP chude then you must have major issues with your whole trip.

  • Richbzztch says:

    Lewis was having issues with his trip also with this latest post. This is what you were getting at with the Dane J bay power ranking. You are hype as fuck 99% of the time.

  • Mike says:

    Jamon,

    Had an issue today with 3 Street Sweepers taking off on the end shoulder of every wave…. together.

    Collisions occured more waves than not and tensions were running high.

    I went off on the guys, went into a traffic analogy….. is the light always green for you? Do you ever stop to exchange info with your traffic victims? And if every wave is yours, why don’t you come out to the peak?

    They never said a word, blank stares.

    Another set came in and I got the second wave. Had to negotiate around one of the morons tangled with a kid from the first wave, another collision. I went off on the guy.

    They swept into the bay and everyone in the lineup was relieved. We shared, laughed and actually had a sense of communtiy briefly in chest high waves.

    The Bagel is right, something has to be done. We can all go back to hating each other once we get these fucks dealt with. RichBzztch is an SUP and doesn’t live on a point break.

  • surfcheck says:

    I’m stoking because I just ordered a new board (M10) and we have swell in the water, NPac seems to be waking up.

  • Joan Rivers says:

    I don’t get the Tex-Mex reference. And is it just me or does it look like someone planted Megan Fox’s torso atop someone else’s legs and hips?

  • Res Ipsa Loquitur says:

    I would like more info on the Coast Guard “vessel” argument as well. My understanding is that a vessel designation would simply require the fuckers to wear life vests and abide by other safety regulations “beyond the narrow limits of a swimming, surfing or bathing area.” Which means they would be free to continue to steal waves and endanger others. In fact, this deisgnation would actually protect SUPers inclined to make sojourns at sea.

    I believe Lewis has it right. It may take the death of a child and the intervention of a few plaintiffs’ attorneys to scare the rodents from their toys. In my view, this sort of accident is quite inevitable. Hopefully a 5 or 10 million dollar judgment will be some deterrent.

  • Jamon Bagel says:

    I’m thinking the vessel thing could be as simple as an across the board ban at surf breaks. Would have to be done at the local level: No rowboats, cigarette boats, yachts, dingys, kayaks, floating casinos or SUPs in the surf zone. Ever. Period.

  • Jamon Bagel says:

    Psss, rizpizz, or whatever. If you were paying attention you’d have noticed this was nothing personal. This was about guys who don’t understand how to share acquiring tools that allow them to take every single wave before surfers can catch them. That’s what this guy was doing. AT some point there will be enough of these guys–and I suspect you’re one of them–to essentially prevent surfing at most of the reef and point breaks in the world. Therefore, if we all want to keep surfing, we have to deal with the issue. Read the post again and tell me which part you don’t understand. Prove you have a mind, and try making an argument instead of an accusation.

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    Jamon, if Megan’s a dude, then you are a burrito, which we know you aren’t. Maybe you had a piece of ham or a sesame seed in your eye.

    http://www.harlanbakeries.com/IMAGES/nybagels.gif

  • Robert's Your Mother's Brother says:

    PS - And Jamon, absolutely the SUP issue is on it’s way to being a titanic problem, no pun intended.

    Someone, somewhere is going to have to litigate.

  • Richbzztch says:

    Fucking cry babies. Like I said if you were having that much trouble where it made you run to your Blackberry in your car and write a 1000 word SUP solution on Postsurf then you have major surfing skill issues. Mike and you probably surf pretty slow and weak which lets those kooks think that they can pull that amateur shit on you. If you are flying around on something short, kinda thick with low rocker on small point surf then you should have no problem at all with those clowns.

  • RYMB says:

    …If only to be a superhuman genius like Richbzztch.

  • Jamon Bagel says:

    Shitnzzztch, you have to catch the wave first. If they’re on it 20 yards before it breaks, then you gotta burn ‘em, now the problems start. This is simple shit. It doesn’t matter how hard you rip (though hammy does surf pretty good) or what you ride. But congratulations on your short, thick one anyway.

    Once again, I ask for you demonstrate evidence of brain. Right now your being easily outsmarted by a sandwich. And I don’t own a blackberry, though I hear the preserves are good on plain bagel with cream cheese.

  • Jamon Bagel says:

    @RYMB: I’m just sayin, look at the picture. Just the face. Kind of makes you go hmmmmmm.

  • Jamon Bagel says:

    And finally, Post Surf is a great place to get the ball rolling on how to thwart the ongoing SUP invasion. Most everyone on here has a brain, understands the issue, and can contribute. Those who don’t just provide unintentional entertainment. (Hi Grinchblintz!)

  • Mr. Dobolina says:

    Most of those were boards that Midget Smith made.

  • Joe P. says:

    How did you forget Kelly’s Teen Choice stick?
    http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1645582848/nm0005440

  • surfy surfy says:

    I attempted a similar post about Teen Choice surfboards months ago and cracked under the pressure and could not finish it. I am in awe of this post.

  • SoSay says:

    Laws????!! To keep people from taking waves early on SUPs (What about other big boards? damn longboarders can be just as bad!)?! when will it end! OBVIOUSLY sharing is a difficult thing to enforce, but laws are not the answer. #1 and only solution-Unified Group Enforcement. Or at least someone to stick their neck out and SAY SOMETHING. I’m guilty as hell just like anyone. A couple weeks ago a longboarder was being reallly selfish and I waited for someone else to say something and was immensely grateful afterward (he actually started sharing). Awkward moments in the water when confrontation occurs but absolutely necessary. A difficult situation indeed, but please don’t try to get the law involved, it is generally pointless.

  • One of the things I like about blog articles is that they spark a thought in my brain. After that happens, I feel as I need to comment wishing it is interesting to some people. Due to the fact there are so many weblogs with diverse points of view, they challenge your perception. It is at these occasions when you have vital insignt many others may not have had, including the blogger him/herself. I find myself returning to your blogging site simply because you have plenty of brilliant insights and you are already at this a very long time, that is very impressive and tells me you know a lot. Keep provoking imagination in others!

  • I was pleased to read this article, keep up the good work.

  • Asa Amacher says:

    Many of your snaps within the swimming swimsuit celebraties apparently be marvelous. Know that you will have succesfully executed a good task addressing the most innovative styles for 2010 and beyond. Hotter weeks is typically perfect in this case just prior to we are going to recognise it and most folks are going to almost all be trying to locate swimming fits like the patterns with your new posts. Sporting activities Illustrated easily just introduced the particular swimming match edition and as well we may well almost all be struggling to locate bikinis for instance the bikiniss inside your story.

  • Thanks for the information on my absolute favorite performer. I’ve been a big fan for four years or more. Just fantastic.

  • My Spelling is not so good but amuse, Let me test to mention it really is really beneficial write-up and definitely educational, retain coming with an additional great resource

  • Let me tell you…without doubt my favorite superstar right now. What an amazing presence. Just fantastic!

  • Tanner Laper says:

    Hello! I found your site quite by mistake and it worked out great. This is very interesting an dI will be back for more. Thanks.

  • goodto see you make postings on this topic, I should bookmark this web site. Just keep up the good work.

  • fat loss says:

    Great read you should send me an rss to my email!

  • I was wondering this myself, Great comment #3

  • I admire what you have done here. I like the part where you say you are doing this to give back but I would assume by all the comments that this is working for you as well.

Trackbacks / Pingbacks

Leave a Reply.

No hateful comments please, leave that to the professionals.

iphone 5s screen repair