Joel Parkinson

Bells Result: 1 Previous Result: 1 ASP Rating: 1

Well that was relatively easy.  After breezing to two seemingly preordained victories, Parko’s all but secured the World Title.  He’s like an NBA player on the free-throw line now, who only needs to make 1 of 2 to seal the deal and prevent the game from going into overtime.  It’s always revealing – getting to see an athlete sweat in the spotlight.  Will they focus or choke?  Trouble is, Parko has to stand on that free-throw line, all eyes focused on him, for another 8 months.  All the Aussies have conceded the title to Parko already.  But Mr. Slater will be there, boring holes into Parko with his laser-beam eyes, trying to convince Joel that he’s really Bill Buckner in the ’86 World Series.

Mick Fanning

Bells Result: 3 Previous Result: 5 ASP Rating: 2

It’s easy to become lazy and chalk up World Titles to conspiracy theories.  The ASP pushed Slater to his first comeback title, Mick Fanning won his because the ASP wanted an Australian champ, and now Parko has been anointed, because Fanning didn’t prove a worthy successor to Slater.  Obviously, this is a paranoid and simplistic perspective on how titles are won. The judges and the ASP are not hiding the truth about Roswell.  They do not know what the Chupacabra really is, or why the towers fell.  Instead, the media, fans, and competitors choose a narrative each season, and then the contenders and judges play along and subconsciously guide us towards the expected outcome, like children on an Ouija Board.  Mick Fanning is surfing as well as ever.  But the story this year is Parko, so, somehow, for some reason, Mick has lost close heats (as he did to Jordy) while Parko has won his.

C.J. Hobgood

Bells Result: 5 Previous Result: 5 ASP Rating: 5

I can honestly say that I didn’t see this coming.  Because the ASP season kicks off with two events in tricky rights, non-Australian goofyfoots pretty much take it for granted that they’ll start the year off in the middle of the pack, at best.  But due to a strange confluence of events, including but not limited to the shape of the bracket, the shape of Slater’s boards, Taj underachieving, and the Irons Brothers dropping off tour, CJ  and Fred now find themselves in the Top 5 heading into Tahiti.  Brave new territory after years of getting clowned at Bells.  If Globe had kept Fiji on the schedule, both goofs could legitimately consider themselves title contenders.  Without Fiji?  Ehhhh.  But the more creepy and unpredictable CJ gets, the more likely his success.  The darkside is calling.

Jordy Smith

Bells Result: 3 Previous Result: 9 ASP Rating: =3

Shot, Bru.  Turns out, now that Jordy doesn’t think he’s automatically a Top 5 surfer, he may actually be a Top 5 surfer, after all.  At Bells, in conditions seemingly ordered up by O’Neill and Rip Curl marketing directors, Jordy faced Fanning and came out on top.  The power was on, and the stats told the story, as Smith put up the highest wave score (9.7) and heat score (18.70) of the event in R1.  It was a glimpse of the rampaging primate we’d been promised.  Even more impressively, Jordy surfed a bafflingly mature heat against Mick, in which he waited patiently for the best wave of the heat, and then destroyed it when it came to him.  The next step in Jordy’s maturation?  Ditch his Dad. It doesn’t matter how well-intentioned or knowledgeable Pops is – this isn’t Little League anymore.  World Title contenders don’t need their parents doling out advice before and after every heat.

Freddy Patacchia

Bells Result: 3 Previous Result: 9 ASP Rating: =3

Well, clearly the Bud Light isn’t working – if it was, Fred P’s results would be as mediocre as the beer.  Are you cheating on your “core” sponsor, Fred?  (Speaking of core: Bud Light lists their surfing marketing initiatives as follows: “Sponsor of professional surfer Fred Patacchia and title sponsor of Bud Light WakeFest in Toronto, Canada.”)  Thus far, Patacchia has followed in the hazy competitive footsteps of Kalani Robb, if Robb was bros with some guy at Bud Light instead of Taylor Steele.  Now, all of a sudden, Fred’s found consistency and turned his weakest events into strengths.  Patacchia was the only goofy to earn a 9+ wave score, and he put up the second highest heat total of the event -17.57 against Dingo.  He did it by cracking the Occ-code and finding that one steep spot that accommodates vertical hooks on Bells Walls.  But now, like a recovering addict teetering on the brink of a relapse, fans are walking on eggshells, waiting for the old Fred P to return with a 33rd.

Kekoa Bacalso

Bells Result: 5 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =9

On a more serious note: it’s a well-know fact that surf journalists cannot write about Hawaiians with anything approaching candor.  My former employer was happy to let me throw Brazilians or Euros under the bus.  But when it came to Hawaiians, even Hawaiian haoles, I was aggressively edited.  This issue obviously goes far beyond the confines of a 150-word write-up of Kekoa Bacalso.  For now, let me just say this:  Freedom does not entitle me to discount the importance of Hawaii in pro surfing.  Hawaii does matter, and it always has.  For that reason, the tour desperately needs positive Hawaiian role models.  We need an Eddie Aikau for this generation.  From a media perspective, the concepts of aloha and Hawaiian pride have been eclipsed by an intense fear of Hawaiian enforcers and the potential for violent retribution.  So when positive things are written about Hawaiians, savvy readers will wonder whether fear or respect has motivated the analysis. Hawaiians deserve better than this.  Kekoa is a step in the right direction – he’s earning respect through performance, without the crutch of special treatment.

Kieren Perrow

Bells Result: 5 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =9

Kieren Perrow returned to his core competencies at Bells: tube riding and beating up on lower seeds.  Perrow is the type of competitor who is lethal with a good seeding on his side – and in ‘09 he’s crept back into that comfort zone.  At Bells Kieren edged Aritz Aranburu, torched Tim Reyes, convincingly beat Jay Thompson, and barely lost to Fred P in the quarters.  Perhaps the most unlikely aspect of the preceding storyline is that Perrow managed to win heats via the tube at Bells.  I suppose I should acknowledge at some point just how good the waves actually turned out to be — for Bells, that is.  We should expect nothing less from a Rip Curl event – swell is almost a guarantee.  For instance, someone in marketing definitely went the “Robert Johnson at the Crossroads” route to make that Mex contest come together.

Tom Whitaker

Bells Result: 9 Previous Result: 9 ASP Rating: 8

You know how smart, hot girls always have that one loyal, ugly friend they keep around just to make themselves look hotter?  Sometimes I fear that poor Tom Whitaker is that loyal friend for Taj Burrow and Luke Stedman.  Taj keeps Whits around to make him feel like he’s still ripping, and Luke keeps Whits around to keep him feeling extra pretty.  Trouble with Whits is, he has a tendency to out-perform his hotter friends – as was the case at Bells, where Whits notched up his second-consecutive 9th, while Taj languished with a 17th.  For the hottie, being upstaged by the ugly friend is almost as unacceptable as not having Daddy’s attention. That said, all Whits really did at Bells was unleash some grab-rail carves and limp-wrist hacks to convincingly beat Jihad Khodr 12.57 to 9.67.  But that’s not much to write about.

Damien Hobgood

Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 5 ASP Rating: =9

I’m not sure what Damien Hobgood expected surfing against Jordy Smith in bombing, offshore rights.  But Damo ought to have expected to get fucked – especially if Damo has seen Jordy surf similar conditions at J-Bay or read about Jordy’s predilection for anal with Cougars.  It’s enough to strike fear in the heart of a good ol’ Christian boy.  Perhaps Damo thought “safety first” and worked out a safe word with the testosterone-laden Saffa beforehand.  I’m pretty sure that if Damo has a safe word, it’s Ned Flanders-esque, like “St. Peter’s Whistle!!!”  Anyhoo… kinky stuff aside, Damo put up a 7.17 in his heat against Jordy, but was left searching for a 6.2 that never came.  Still, it’s been slow and steady on the comeback trail, with Damo working himself up to equal 9th in the ratings, and Tahiti is yet to come…

Taylor Knox

Bells Result: 9 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =14

Oh, Taylor.  Why do you tease SoCal surf fans so?  For those so-ultra-gay-they-don’t-even-know-it ASP-obsessives, watching Taylor is like watching the most frustrating stripper ever.  When it comes to exposing his naughty bits, Taylor knows absolutely nothing about suspense and narrative.  He’ll bare all on an inconsequential wave, and then take off his socks and nothing more when a heat is on the line.  At Bells, Taylor went from indifference to trying too hard – each turn contained punch, weight, grunt and flexed muscles.  But the turns often were contained in too small an area – not given room to breath.  On Bells’ wide-open walls, Taylor might have been better served by keeping it on rail a bit longer, just to remind the judges what’s under the hood.

Kelly Slater

Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =24

Lately, I feel old.  Hedonistic, selfish pursuits don’t consistently bring me the same joy that they used to.  When I get wasted, I have fun, but I’m haunted by the fact that in my 20s I got more wasted, and had more fun.  When I surf, I’m haunted by the fact that after decades of single-minded obsession, only mind-blowingly perfect waves are capable of igniting the same sublime, deranged joy that even average days used to provide me with.  Most of my friends have moved on – lost to family, jobs, responsibility, expectations.  I watch them now, as they mimic the deranged smiles on their childrens’ faces, and I wonder if they possess a level of contentment that my selfish, surf-centric existence has robbed me of.  But hey, that’s just me.  Compared to say, Kelly Slater, surfing has played a relatively small role in my life.  And I still wonder if it’s closing time; if perhaps the hour has arrived for me to focus on something other than surfing and selfishness.

Chris Davidson

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 9 ASP Rating: =24

Often enough, ASP heats are held in sub-standard conditions.  Scorelines reflect this, with one surfer getting two average waves, while the other gets one average score but not a second.  In situations like that, the contest rolls on.  But when both surfers only manage one average score in 30 minutes (as in the R1 heat between Chris Davidson and Adam Robertson, won 9.56 to 9.00 TOTAL) it’s a sign the contest should be put on hold.  By moving on to the final, Adam Robertson vindicated his close R1 heat win.  But from Davo’s perspective, their dismal scoreline is a clear indication that the new format is far from fair when the conditions aren’t cooking.  Surfers should get an opportunity to surf more than one average wave in an entire fucking contest.

Dayyan Neve

Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =24

Speaking of the great format controversy: check out Jed Smith’s Stab article for some arguably justified whining from Dayyan Neve. In the interview, Dayyan mentions that his traveling partner Kai Otton loves the new format, as it seeds him into R2.  Meanwhile Dayyan hates it, along with the notion of a single-tier rating system. “If you change it now to a single-tier tour, there is gonna be massive hell to pay. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was legal action,” Neve told Stab. What a tough guy! Oh, the irony: Kai drew Dayyan in the next heat.  The final exchange was as tight as a professional mermaid’s box – Dayyan needed a 6.18, and the judges gave him a 6.  I wonder if vocal criticism of the ASP earns a deduction of half a point?

Tim Boal

Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =24

At the moment, my main beef with Tim Boal is the following: His stylish surfing and consistent determination make it difficult for me to make jokes about the French (most of which hinge on an innovative technique I call “juvenile, prejudiced stereotyping”).  Against fellow Frenchman Miky Picon in R1, Boal showed that patented European desperation that used to be exclusively the secret weapon of Brazilians – effort born from a simple understanding that each World Tour heat represents the best chance they’ve ever had to break through the bullet-proof glass ceiling of Western surf xenophobia.  If Nathaniel Curran had surfed at Bells as well as Boal surfed, we’d be reading feature articles about his performance right now.  Instead, Boal was arguably underscored against Californian Bobby Martinez in R2.   The Frenchman surfed above himself, but was predictably rewarded with two sixes and a loss.

David Weare

Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =24

Watching Davey Weare surf makes me nervous.  It’s an experience akin to watching a predictable suspense film, in which a happy family uses an axe to cut firewood.  Rest assured that someone will be hacked to pieces with that same axe by the end of the film.  That’s how I feel about Weare’s sick layback snaps and his kneebrace.  (Anton Chekov noted back in the late 1880’s that “If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. Otherwise don’t put it there.”) Granted, one of the most compelling things about professional sport is that it’s not scripted – the kneebrace/snap combo could foreshadow nothing, in a reality-based fashion that Chekov found unacceptable in a narrative. Speaking of reality: Weare won his R1 heat against Curran convincingly, only to lose a close, wave-starved affair against Fred P.

Tiago Pires

Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =24

Watching Tiago Pires surf against Mick Fanning in R2, a cynical viewer might have gotten the impression that the judges decided the outcome of this heat before it began.  Match-ups like this are like a coloring book:  the outline and shape of the result is there on the page for everyone to see, including the judges.  All the surfers have to do is catch a couple set waves that hint at inherent respective talents – hand the judges the right color crayons.  They’ll fill in the expected picture from there.  So for Tiago to win heats against world champs, he was to do more than make it close.  He has to decimate Fanning.  Tiago caught the bigger waves, committed to his gouges, and scored perhaps the hollowest barrel of the event.  And like fellow Euro Tim Boal, he lost anyway.

Greg Emslie

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29

Everything you possibly need to know about Greg “Bigfoot” Emslie can be learned by watching the seminal 1987 film “Harry and Hendersons,” backwards, while simultaneously listening to side two of Led Zeppelin IV, also backwards, while trying to snort lines of vintage angel dust cut with vintage Clark Foam dust.  Mind you, the lines must be bumped in a spiral pattern, off the vinyl record, forwards, while a friend diligently spins the record backwards, at exactly 33 1/3 rpm.  When Robert Plant sings “bustle in your hedgerow” backwards during Stairway to Heaven, you will clearly hear a satanic voice state “Bigfoot will lose to Drew Courtney in R1.”  Meanwhile, onscreen, as John Lithgow says backwards “I wanted King Kong, you brought me a goddamn giant gerbil,” you will hear a gerbil say “Not Richard Gere again!!!”

Phillip MacDonald

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =39

The images haunt me to this day.  Yes, there is no proof.  There isn’t even a Zapruder-esque film.  But the rumors persist – Phil MacDonald sunk into a dark depression after falling off the ASP World Tour.  Facing the reality of his own post-competitive irrelevancy, MacDonald hired a media consultant who provided only one viable alternative: Ride for MacDonald’s, and ride as Ronald MacDonald.  Darkhorse Macca has never been able to rise to prominence in the States – while Ronald MacDonald is recognized by 96% of all school children in America.  Phil spurned the suggestion, with its clown makeup and wettie. He also spurned the plan to re-brand himself as a young Dr. Phil, flummoxing opponents via jovial straight-talk therapy during heats.  He chose to stay a faceless power-monger.  The Result? Two 33rds, the latest at the hands of the more marketable power-monger Taylor Knox.

Michel Bourez

Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =29

Back to this whole nickname issue: Gabe Kling is lacking, as we established yesterday.  Michel Bourez?  He’s packing, baby: goes by the nickname of The Spartan.  That’s a solid handle, whether you happen to be a gay porn star or the most promising Tahitian pro surfer  we’ve seen in a decade. Surf pundits expected big things from The Spartan at the Quikpro, but unfortunately The Spartan did not deliver.  Or rather, he delivered an eyeful of a surfing style worthy of a new nickname: The Spastic Colon.  But at Bells, the Spartan was back, demolishing Roy Powers in R1.  Yet Bourez ran into a wee bit of a problem in R2: a surfer by the name of Parko.  Michel surfed admirably, put up twin 5.83’s, but fell too many times and wilted in the face of Parko’s 9.23 highwave.

Dustin Barca

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29

As a child, I suffered debilitating night terrors.  I’d lash out at invisible demons, only to wake myself up screaming.  I’d sleepwalk out the front door, sneak into the house of my benevolent Godly neighbor Mr. Flanders, and piss in his coffee machine, without ever waking up.  The nightmares usually involved mutated scenes from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. But in my dreams, when the pagan leader tore my heart out, and showed it to me, still beating, his face would not be that of the actor in the film.  It would be the face of Dustin Barca.  That is why, to this day, nothing scares me more than this friendly, misunderstood Hawaiian with a heart of gold, who, on a completed unrelated note, is well-trained in hand to hand combat.  Tiago “Indy” Pires (who is twice the man I am) valiantly slayed Barca in R1 at Bells.

Nic Muscroft

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29

The ASP somewhat vaguely insists that they’re moving towards a unified ratings system (heretofore a holy grail of professional surfing, much like the unified theory of everything is the holy grail of Physics, haunting Einstein till his death). Despite this, The Power Rankings, for simplicity’s sake, will focus on the official ASP Top 45.  Meaning replacement surfers like Jay Thompson are being unfairly overlooked, and wildcards like Bells finalist Adam Robertson receive only passing mention.  Like Robertson, Nic Muscroft is a previously-unknown Victorian.  Unlike Robertson, Muscroft completely squandered his best chance at making an impact on tour.  With Nic getting a 33rd at home  (Dingo made short work of the local boy, who put up only 10.17 and never held the lead) it’s hard to imagine success coming anywhere else.

Ben Dunn

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =39

Are the Power Rankings good for pro surfing?  Often, pro surfers suggest to me that they are NOT good for pro surfers, at least, for one simple reason: I point out the obvious.  Prior to my arrival, the obvious used to be left unsaid.  Comfortably sponsored surfers believed that their obvious shortcomings would somehow not be noticed by their sponsors.  And then I ruined everything by spelling the obvious out, and some surfers became concerned that once their sponsors read the obvious online, their careers would be jeopardized.  Ben Dunn is sadly a surfer who is hiding from the obvious: he’s as boring as a Pet Rock, and that was before he started the year with two 33rds.  Worse yet, his latest loss comes at the feet of fellow Rip Curl rider Kekoa Bacalso, who is obviously a more talented, more marketable, more interesting alternative to Ben Dunn.