OK, kids. The Power Rankings live on - on Postsurf, for now. I'll be putting up a handful a day over the course of the next week. Let's start with the bottom dwellers.

Miky Picon
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 Rating: =39
Many cynics scoff that the ASP is poised on the brink of irrelevancy: a tour of tired monkeys that dance with less and less conviction despite the organ-grinding of their corporate sponsors. What has the tour come to? Where art though, AI? Why can’t we supply our best surfers with a potent cocktail of prescription and illegal drugs anymore? Well, cynics, suck on this: under the new format, surf fans were treated to 30 steamy minutes of hardcore Frenchmen on Frenchmen action in R1: Miky Picon vs. Tim Boal. At times, the voyeuristic lens of pro surfing zoomed in so close that it was hard to tell whose body was whose amongst all those lithe writhing limbs. Was that Miky Picon hitting it backside? Was that Tim Boal caressing the face of his rival; man against sea? Was that a bowling ball on an Al Merrick board, or were we treated to a glimpse of the Chupacabra’s dark frame? In the end it did not matter; for this was surfing through the eyes of Godard.

Nathaniel Curran
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 Rating: =39
With a family pedigree unrivaled on tour, you’d think that Nathaniel Curran would be doing better than he is. I mean, Surfline’s fact-checkers inform me Curran’s older brother Tim finished 6th in the world. His even older brother Tom Curran won three world titles. Brother Joe is a style master, cousin Lee Ann Curran is already winning WQS events… and family patriarch Pat Curran is on the shortlist for getting his face carved into surfing’s Mt. Rushmore. Does surfing talent run in that family or WHAT? But against Saffa blasta Davey Weare, Nathaniel only managed a 6.33 highwave with no second score to back that up. This is a troubling fall from grace for last year’s WQS champ. Particularly as he just squandered two opportunities in waves that suit him: right points. It’s not like things are going to get easier for Nate at Chopes.

Marlon Lipke
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 Rating: =39
I’ll be honest here: I don’t have anything really insightful to say about Marlon Lipke’s surfing. He’s an extremely solid talent who is stylish, tedious, and already adept at earning 33rds. Under the new format of terror, Lipke was given one shot at distinguishing himself against Dayyan Neve. He contributed a pair of threes and that was all. Should Lipke’s ASP bid not work out, he always has one final solution to fall back on: the surf camp he runs with his family in Portugal. Maybe it’s just me, but the little Larry David voice in my head gets uneasy when Germans want to round up all the beginners and put them in their surf camp. And yes, their website has instructions for kooks taking zee train to zee camp.

Aritz Aranburu
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 Rating: =39
As the 33rds pile up, I become ever more confident that Aranburu should be a verb, not just a name. What does it mean to get aranburued? Can you aranburu your bro? Is aranburuing a torture reserved for your worst enemies? Can you aranburu a girl on the third date? Does Chris Cote let muscular Aussies aranburu him after they consume a case of VBs together? Is it possible to aranburu someone so hard that they never walk again? Perhaps I should just ask Aritz – he might be able to clear this up for me. But I don’t want to bother the poor bloke. He already bears the burden of being the Spanish Kelly Slater while also being the Spanish Ricky Basnett. Aritz needed a 7.5 as time expired against Kieren Perrow. He got the wave but not the score: 7.23. It’s likely good style would have made up that .27.

Gabe Kling
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: injury Rating: =39
Recent research conducted at PostSurf laboratories suggest that a marketable nickname can add nearly 5 years to the career of an otherwise boring pro surfer. For instance: who the fuck is Jason Collins? Did he play b-ball for Stanford? Is he on the Nets or the Timberwolves or something? Is he that smug bald prick from Genesis? Is he a surfer from Santa Cruz? Who knows. But Ratboy? Old, irrelevant, yet still somewhat famous. Gabe Kling’s nickname is Piggy. Somehow Piggy hasn’t gained much traction. Maybe Miss Piggy would stick? Porky Pig? Babe? Spider Pig? Gabe better find a nome de pig that sticks cause his injured ass ain’t gonna find success in the ASP anytime soon.

Luke Stedman
Bells Result: injury Previous Result: injury Rating: =39
There’s something vaguely Dickensian about Luke Stedman – perhaps if Charles Dickens were a Sydney metrosexual comfortable in the company of a young Oscar Wilde. Like Pip in Great Expectations, Steds has been raised to a class far above his talent grade. The question is, by whom? Pip believes his benefactor to be the fatally-nostalgic upper class Ms. Havisham, while in fact his guardian angel is the convict Magwitch. Correspondingly, Luke Stedman believes that good’ ole fashion Aussie hard-work and a “can-do” attitude have landed him in the Top 16. Really, in Luke’s case, Magwitch is God’s sense of irony, leaving Steds with broken toes and a 45th stamp of disapproval in the Power Rankings.














