Editor’s note: This guest post comes from Gra Murdoch, whose site Inside the Goldmine, is a, um, well, a goldmine. Mr. Murdoch graciously crafted the following news article especially for PostSurf. Take a look at his “Disabled Woman” article after this - it’s a rare example of a surf piece that manages to be funny and insightful without being cruel.
‘Pacific Solution’ Proposed To Reclaim Ocean to Pristine Glory.
Thursday 9th July, Oceanic Survey Institute, Berkeley California – Scientists and Ecologists are proposing a radical solution to the 100 million tons of plastic waste circulating in what’s known as the North Pacific Gyre.
“It’s estimated that there are 46,000 pieces of plastic, most no bigger than a penny, floating on every square mile of the North Pacific, which is devastating marine life,” says the Institute’s head of research Sylvia Watson.
“We intend to deploy squadrons of Sweepers – otherwise known as Stand Up Paddlers – to clean this up, square meter by square meter…”
The controversial proposal comes on the back of the institute’s annual blue-sky-ideas summit at the OCI, where left-field thinking is encouraged.
“It’s refreshing to run unconventional concepts up the flagpole and not have them immediately torn down by economists, analysts and bureaucrats” says Dr. Ken Yager, who has been modeling the Pacific Solution concept in his backyard pool in Ventura County.
Dr Yager, himself an enthusiast of the conventional ’short’ surfboard, says the idea came to him one morning as he arrived at his local break to find ‘an army’ of Stand Up Paddlers edging towards the surf zone.
“My first reaction was that these people belonged elsewhere – perhaps far out to sea where they could do no harm – so as not to blight the inshore seascape.
“It didn’t take long to reconcile their inane – some say janitorial – paddling motion with the environmental crisis that’s looming over the literal and metaphorical horizon.”
According to Dr Yager’s scenario, up to 50,000 stand up paddlers would be dispatched from numerous motherships in two classic ‘vee’ formations, one sweeping west to east, the other east-west, and meeting mid-ocean in a classic pincer movement to create a ’small island’ of plastic for removal.
Though critics of the plan are skeptical that 50,000 Stand Up Paddle-Sweeper volunteers could be found and mobilized, Dr Yager is confident of attaining volunteer numbers for the program, suggesting that Stand Up Paddlers would respond well if the request was framed in an appealing context.
“Basically, if you call for help with a vital environmental program they’d run a mile, but tell ‘em it’s a chance to join the ‘Vanguard of A Waterman Eco-Warrior Collective’ and they’ll fall over themselves in the rush to sign up.
“As empty a catch-cry as it is laughable, the sheer word ‘Waterman’ is catnip for these people.”
The scientific community remains divided over phase two of Yager’s Pacific Solution, which involves vaporizing both the collected rubbish and 50,000 sweepers with a single nuclear blast.
“Ah yes, the nuclear option, I was waiting for that line of inquiry,” chuckled Dr Yager. “But let’s keep things in context – this was a blue-sky ideas summit where radical ideas were there to be heard.
“It’s unlikely a mid-ocean thermonuclear blast would be accepted by the international community. And though an irradiated ocean might be a fair price to pay for the final eradication of such annoying and useless detritus, it would be a shame to lose all that potentially recyclable plastic.”
When asked about the fate of the 50,000 Stand Up Paddlers in such a scenario, Dr Yager smiled and repeated slowly “what part of ‘annoying … and … useless … detritus’ don’t you understand?”
–Gra Murdoch, Inside the Goldmine
COMMENT of the WEEK: Yes, More TurtleGate.
Comment of the Week goes to L’Estranger, who has fit another piece of the TurtleGate puzzle snugly into place.
L’Etranger says: August 24, 2009 at 3:19 pm
“Mother always likes to wear turtle pins, for instance.” - Reverend Sun Myung Moon
Hmmm . . . This may be the best find yet:
1) Reverend Moon’s mother fancies wearing turtle pins.
2) Followers of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon are referred to as “Moonies.”
3) Andrew Mooney is hardly a variation on “Moonies”
If the Moonies are indeed behind TurtleGate, I may be in very great danger indeed. Oh, the irony: readers worry about Da Hui, Da Wolfpak, or Da Brazillians snuffing out my meaningless existence.
In reality, these cabals are but children at play compared to the Moonies.
For those of you who don’t know, Reverend Sun Myung Moon is a cult leader of terrifying power and influence, notorious for performing mass weddings and founding and bankrolling the conservative-leaning Washington Times. Reverend Moon is what Sean Collins may one day become if we are not ever vigilant.
How does Andrew Mooney, hard-charging Aussie turtle molester, fit in to all this?
Frankly, I fear he may be the White Heung-Jin Moon - continuous channel of Reverend Moon’s deceased second son. This is a terrifying prospect indeed, considering the reign of terror attributed to the last continuous channel of Heung-Jin Moon - a Zimbabwaen known as the Black Heung-Jin Moon.
The Wiki explains:
The second son of Hak Ja Han and Moon, Heung-Jin Moon, died from injuries suffered in a car crash in December 1983. Moon ascribed great importance to his son’s death, and Heung-Jin Moon is officially regarded to be the “king of the spirits” in heaven, and is now said to be conducting seminars in heaven for departed souls.
For several years church members “channeled” his spirit, and in 1987-8 a Zimbabwean member who became known as “the Black Heung Jin Nim” was accepted by Moon and his family as Heung Jin Moon’s continuous channel, and toured the world giving speeches, getting confessions, and subjecting some members to beatings.
Long-time member Damian Anderson reports seeing him “knock people’s heads together, hit them viciously with a baseball bat, smack them around the head, punch them, and handcuff them with golden handcuffs”
Nansook Hong recounts: “No one outside the True Family was immune from the beatings. Soon the mistresses he acquired were so numerous and the beatings he administered so severe that members began to complain. He beat Bo Hi Pak—a man in his sixties—so badly that he was hospitalized for a week in Georgetown Hospital.”
Pray for me, PostSurf readers. These forces of darkness are not far behind, seeking to silence my voice before I uncover the true nefarious secrets of TurtleGate.